The Misandrists

I admit, I was really intrigued when I heard about the film The Misandrists.

Of course the title drew me in, it is a type of film that could go a lot of ways. What story does it want to tell? It is a heavily propagandized documentary? Is it full of lies?

Well, I immediately read the plot description and found myself now more confused than ever. It really made me read it a few times just to make sure I was understanding it correctly. It was clearly going to be some sort of satire film, and how good or bad that goes really depends on who is in charge of it.

Well, The Misandrists is directed (and written) by someone named Bruce La Bruce, a man (a bad sign), but a notably gay man. Could still be a bad sign. His film work, that I also have never seen, apparently have lots of frequent gay male sex in them, partly for shock, and partly for the story. And he is potentially exploitative when it comes to these tales.

Oh okay, fine. Based on the description, and his history, maybe this is the perfect man for a movie like this?

Woman
“Perfect man? No such thing!” – These misandrists, probably.

Set in Germany, at some time period before cell phones I assume, sits a small secluded large building. This building is not a school, but a training ground for the Female Liberation Army. This group made entirely of women want to grow strong, powerful, and weaponized and eventually band together to take down the patriarchy in Germany.

It is run by a few “sisters” (you know, like nuns), and Big Mother (Susanne Sachße). The younger girls there are taking classes like a normal school, on Herstory and physical education and math, while also exploring themselves sexually to be free radical women. Most of them came from troubled backgrounds or abuse, and had to leave home at early ages for one reason or another.

While out with her girlfriend, Isolde (Kita Updike) finds a man who is hurt and on the run from authority. She wants to bring him back to their home, to hide in the basement and get better. She doesn’t like men, but can appreciate someone who is anti-authority, which he clearly is. Despite pleading, they do bring him back to hide and heal while still going about their normal duties.

This is a pretty big secret to hide, especially with some of the type of ladies that are in the home. But it turns out that is just the start of the secrets between this small group of ladies.

Also starring Viva Ruiz, Kembra Pfahler, Caprice Crawford, Grete Gehrke, Victoire Laly, Olivia Kundisch, Lina Bembe, and Til Schindler.

Man
The guy looks like he starred in War Horse.

Wow.

I really can’t get into too much detail down here, (partially because I do not want to), but also because there is just so much to talk about that I would just ramble and sound incoherent.

I definitely left this film not enjoying it in the slightest. It does feel like a vehicle to just create some softcore pornography. There is plenty of sex scenes in it, and maybe the longest pillow fight I have seen in a movie. Once the secrets start unraveling, it goes from dull to just really bad. The ending is extremely strange and jarring, without a lot of sensical resolution.

And yes. There is a nice fun scene of a penis being cut open. I assume it was surgery to turn the genitals into a vagina, it really wasn’t specifically clear, but it definitely was REAL. The camera change to a surgical video, and it was gross and so god damn unnecessary.

My stomach hurts just typing this out and remembering it.

The plot is bad, the graphic-ness is disturbing, and this film will only appeal to extremely small niche group of folks. Unfortunately, I probably won’t be able to scrub this movie out of my memory anytime soon, as it will likely appear in my worst of the year list.

0 out of 4.

The 15:17 To Paris

I will admit, when I first saw that this movie was coming out, I knew it had to be one of the early favorites for worst movie of 2018. A movie about a real event, starring some of the real people? What could go wrong?!

The 15:17 To Paris looked like utter shit, and as you can already see, yes, it was utter shit.

At this point, I assume Clint Eastwood is only alive because of directing. He is known for doing things quickly and under budget, despite issues, and it is really showing. Look at recent movies: American Sniper, Trouble With The Curve, Sully, Jersey Boys. He has some real event movies, and they aren’t spectacular. He had a known amazing musical and he botched it. And The Trouble With the Curve? Well, you probably forgot it existed.

The only real worthy note about some of his recent movies has been the acting in it. But it is clear that it is probably more so the good actors continuing to act good, and not Eastwood bringing it out of them. So now we have him directing people who have NO training at acting and really watch it blow up in his face.

Group
Maybe not the best choice of words in a movie about a terrorist attack.

In 2015, on a train from Amsterdam to Paris, a terrorist attack occurred. A guy came out of the bathroom with guns ready to fire, and tons of ammunition. Immediately, he struggled against people waiting to use the bathroom, but once shots were fired, people began to run and much panic ran throughout the train.

But three Americans in a cart over decided that running was not in their blood. Spencer Stone (Spencer Stone), Anthony Sadler (Anthony Sadler), and Alek Skarlatos (Alek Skarlatos) in various amounts fought back against the attacker, including rushing at him despite being fired against.

The three and another were able to get rid of his weapons and subdue him, and keep him down, until they stopped at the next station where authorities and doctors were able to take over. They were international heroes, helping prevent a much greater tragedy.

But how did they get to that point and why are they even friends? Lets have a movie about that.

Also starring Judy Greer, Jenna Fischer, and the young versions of our heroes played by William Jennings, Bryce Gheisar, and Paul-Mikél Williams.

Run
Bullrush is not the feat it used to be.

Many years ago, Act of Valor came out and I completely hated it. It was a big PR stunt, with actual seals instead of actors. By bringing in authenticity to the craft, they lost having a competent movie. But at least with Act of Valor there was a story. At least there was an attempt to be entertaining and to fill some people with wonder. After all, if it is propaganda, there needs to be a hook.

For The 15:17 to Paris, it seems like it is actually not a movie, but an experiment, to see how much bullshit a person can take before they stop watching a movie. Unfortunately, I can take a huge bag of it, so I saw the whole thing, but I can’t imagine why. This 94 minute movie should have been about 14 minutes long.

We get to have plot of the young versions causing problems in school, becoming friends, and of course, their moms arguing against pills for ADD. Okay. Cool. Go strong with your anti-science doctrine in the first few minutes.

After that we have our characters played by themselves, but pretending to be high school students trying to figure out future careers. Then of course doing these jobs and goign through training and doing things in Afghanistan. Just a whole lot of pointlessness, until we get to the ending. You know, when they are finally ready to go backpacking and train riding throughout Europe!

And guess what. We now get to see the three pretend to relive these moments. You know, being in Italy, Germany, and other places, pretending to be tourists who have been there for the first time, just doing normal things. It is so incredibly uncomfortable and pointless.

None of these things matter at all for the actual train ride. There aren’t clever points where “Oh, we saw them talk to that Californian girl and get Gelato with her because she taught them to disarm a weapon!” Nope. Just because they did it in real life, I guess.

Good news. These guys are heroes. Bad news, everything and everyone about this movie. Goddamn it Clint Eastwood.

0 out of 4.

Deadly Deception, Exposing The Dangers of Vaccines

This is one of the many reviews that have come out of WorldFest in Houston. Check the WorldFest tag to see them all!

Hey? You like diseases? No? Then you like vaccines? Also no? Well, aren’t you a special sort of person.

Basically, a couple decades ago, Andrew Wakefield released a paper relating Autism to Vaccines, and it all went downhill from there. The Anti-Vaccines group rose up, claimed non scientific facts, and turned science from a peer reviewed group of studies to a thing where opinions go a long way.

Speaking of opinions, Deadly Deception, Exposing the Dangers of Vaccines, directed by Gary Null. Who is that? Well, he is someone famous for believing in alternative medicines and being dubious with science. This is not his first documentary. He has a complete poop ton and you can see his list on the IMDB link I just showed.

The crux of this documentary is that vaccines are bad, not tested enough, don’t even work, and actually are worse for people overall. You know, things you may have heard before.

And let me just say this aspect before the picture. This documentary on a just technically level is badly put together. It is full of movie making graphics to distract the viewers. We get odd fade outs between talking points or within the same talking point. Every speaker has their name/title on the screen (good!) but it comes up in a right to left flying in graphic instead of just…being there, serving as a minor distraction and making it actually hard to see who these people are.

It has words flying into the screen in big bold red letters to scare, and important sentences for their argument on the screen with someone talking completely different words, to overwhelm your senses and not paint a clear picture.

I am certain that a few people did interviews in front of green screens in order to have a more professional looking background behind them (Note, this is just how it appears, technically I wasn’t there to prove if this is true). We have scary graphics that are not based in science, including Null’s own occasional voice over that seems extra deep and scary. We also have the occasional scary ghost doctor, as seen below, to look like an evil vaccine boogieman.

DD
Gonna get you with his science!

Now clearly I went into this with my mind mostly made up. As a scientist, I am definitely willing to believe things that have been peer reviewed and tested over something that people are just assuming or drawing connections from personal experiences. But I still took notes, over 3 pages worth in my notebook, of claims that sounded far fetched, and the general notes that I described earlier.

Like the claim about the Measels outbreak in Corpus Christi, that all of the people who got Measels had the vaccine and the ones without it (like practically no one) were fine. Well, the truth involves the people who got it did not have the antibodies, the people who were immune and safe did, meaning those who got it didn’t get the right amounts earlier in their youth to be fully immune. Cool. Moving on.

They blamed vaccines on basically every neurological disease, not just autism things. Autism rates have increased over time, but so have our abilities to properly diagnose them, which is the best explanation for why we have more autism.

It claimed that the flu vaccine for senior citizens is the cause of Alzheimer’s and dementia. There was a sentence about how future kids might not be fully human due to all the animal DNA in vaccines. It claimed that eventually Wakefield won his lawsuits from a judge and got reinstated, but honestly, I can’t find information confirming that anywhere. It said that vaccines were a form of population control. It used the phrase “just a theory” for a scientific theory.

Just felt like medical conspiracy the movie. Sure, some legitimate concerns about too much government control in the lives of the citizens, or being in a police state. But they are exaggerating how far things are going, and it is still considered only a minor side point in this documentary. It is a topic that should have its own time to showcase, like…in its own documentary, and just serves as a distraction point in this one.

At no point should anyone go out of there way to see this mess. From a technical documentary level it is bad. From a science level it is worse.

0 out of 4.

Blumhouse’s Truth or Dare

April is rarely seen as the month for horror films. Usually it is the month for sports movies, or dramas, or I guess now super hero movies.

I hope Truth or Dare is successful, but while definitely going strong on the Truth or Dare aspect. I don’t want it to be an introduction piece and then oh no, killer, lets freak out. I need it to last the whole film.

I hope it introduces a franchise of party game horror films. I want to see the follow ups of Never Have I Ever, Spin the Bottle, Suck and Blow, and of course culminating to the film where all the pieces come together: Seven Minutes In Heaven.

Note, none of this relates to the movie Would You Rather, which came out half a decade ago. But they might try and remake it to add it to the fold, with a new, sexier cast.

Face1
I’d like to think part of the audition process for this film was to try and make that face naturally.

Down in Mexico, we have curses, because, Mexico I guess. Some sort of xenophobic nonsense.

Our hero of this is Olivia (Lucy Hale), a good person, she builds houses, cares about the greater good and all of that silly stuff. She planned on doing good things over spring break, but her BFF Markie (Violett Beane) sort of forces her to join them down in Mexico! Last Spring Break before their friend group moves on and gets old and less friendly.

They do things, have a great time, and eventually Olivia meets Carter (Landon Liboiron), an intelligent individual clearly, like her. They are about to leave but they agree to follow him to a cool place to have some more fun. Yay mysteries!

Sure enough, Carter gets the uneasy group to pretend to be middle schoolers and play a rousing game of Truth or Dare. Everyone goes around the circle, doing a dare or spilling their beans, until we learn the truth from Carter. He brought in the group to force them to join this game, to hopefully free himself from its cure. They are haunted now, and if they refuse the task given to them, then they will die. If they lie, they die. And if they refuse to play, well…

Starring as the rest of the main friend group: Tyler Posey, Sophia Ali, Nolan Gerard Funk, and Hayden Szeto. Also starring Gary Anthony Williams, Brady Smith, and Sam Lerner.

Face2
And here is another one for good measure.

You know what can make a good horror film? Believable actors, for one. The situations don’t have to be too believable. I can suspend my belief in a movie for scary aliens, monsters, demons, ghosts, ex lovers, possessed things, invincible serial killers, whatever. Sure. As long as it makes sense in that world. But if they introduce things and seemingly just change things on the go, and give no real fucks about the events? Well, that is shitty.

In this scenario, it takes far too much time for everyone to get on board with what is happening. I think two of the friends need to die before people start realizing that something bad is happening. We just get to watch friends argue and get mad about spoiling each others shit up with the truth. And afterwards? Well, it is mostly friends still being dumbasses as a group.

First of all, this movie is all over the place. With one of the dares that occurs, it feels like a really poor final destination movie, and then never really goes back to that concept. “Why don’t they just all say truth?” Well because they suck. And the movie wanted to add rules later on. This movie plays out the dumb scenario of turning a dare into telling the truth as well, just because. We have characters who over and over again get upset over the truth, but they know that if the truth wasn’t said, their friend would die. But who cares right?

The ending is the lowest point of the film, so its interesting they decide to leave us with a sour taste in our mouths. After a scene where our heroes try and get the upper hand, we find out that it still didn’t work as planned. Then they try one more plan which, as previously established earlier in the movie, won’t do shit for them at all.

I am going to put some spoilers here. The previous Truth or Dare group hoped that by putting new people in the group they would be freed. It did not, it just made it bigger. They still had to do the question just the others didn’t know about it. And despite being merged groups, they only bring up these facts when it is convenient, in lazy writing. For some reason one of them can’t do it if he is alone? Even though they have shown others have to do it when alone? For some reason order only matters for this group, and the others can just be asked when convenient for the plot? It basically shows that the two groups have their own games on it and don’t actually affect each other, meaning adding more people will not buy you any time, because your game is still limited to those players. And yet that is just what our “heroes” try to do at the end. Get more time. With this terrible, terrible, strategy, all they did was fuck over others, while also dooming themselves right after the credits role anyways.

It is just such a goddamn stupid movie. It is never really well established. When they exposition us enough in the film to try and piece it together, it just doesn’t really grok well. The strange face thing wasn’t good, wasn’t scary, and just seemed silly. So many jump scares that were pointless and lazy. And again, it is just very stupid.

I wouldn’t dare my worst enemy to watch even half of this movie. That’s the truth.

0 out of 4.

Infinity Baby

Sometimes you just stumble across a film and you are not sure how you found it. Maybe it was in the depths of Netflix. Maybe it was clicking the wrong button on a Redbox. Maybe it was a strange comment on an internet forum that made you just discover something odd about the world.

Or maybe you are just trolling through Nick Offerman´s IMDB page and see something called Infinity Baby and go “Ohhhhh, that sounds weird!” and just go and grab it to watch it without even wondering what it is about.

Who really can say though? When the whole thing is a mystery?

Relationships
Oh yeah, the film is in black and white.

In this world, due to stem cell research something strange occurred. A miracle, maybe, but definitely something that no one intended. Certain babies were given a condition, a curse maybe. They would not age. They would stay in that infant, cry, poop, eat, sleep phase forever. Forever. So yes, similar to the plot point from The Boss Baby.

Why would they do this? Well it was an accident. And the government has determined to get these babies into homes. Other technologies have been developed, like special food pills for the babies. Things that put them to sleep most of the time, but still living entities. The amount of sleep and type of food they get means they only need a diaper change about once a week. The company Infinity Baby was set up to find these babies homes. I am unsure of if it is for life for them, or what, but an adult would get a large sum in the ten thousands to have them for three months. After three months, I dont know if they get more money or what.

Maybe those people who feel extra pampering would want this responsibility to be helpful. Who knows.

But Neo (Nick Offerman) is in charge of the organization. Ben (Kieran Culkin) is more of a hands on, day to day in charge of the operation, finding potential clients to take their babies. He has his own intimacy issues, and every time he feels his partner becomes too attached, he will take them to his mom´s house (Megan Mullally) and she will disapprove of them so that he can dump them.

And Malcolm (Martin Starr) and Larry (Kevin Corrigan) are two men on the ground, who actually have to go and deliver the babies to the clients. Their issue is a client has changed their mind last minute, so they decide to just adopt the baby together for that sweet cash.

Also starring Trieste Kelly Dunn, Stephen Root, and Noël Wells.

Couple
Would it be a big troll to say a movie is black and white, but really just one scene is, and you took the images from the same scene to trick people?

I hated Infinity Baby way more than I imagined. It is just a small indie movie with a lot of recognizable people, but the plot doesn’t go a lot of places and it presents an unnerving concept.

As a father, the idea of baby never getting past that infant early born stage is pretty damn sickening. I didn’t think that before I watched the movie, but during it. It makes me so sad and upset to even acknowledge that idea. Especially when I found out in this movie they use pills to make them mostly asleep and their lives basically meaningless. This sounds like a horrible fate to anyone.

Sure, some of the aspects are dealt with in the film. But half of the film is about Culkin’s characters inability to get a relationship. And I don’t know why that is attached to this film at all, besides a lazy parable about how other people can’t grow up either.

Maybe it was the black and white, maybe it was the plot that didn’t go many different places, or maybe, maybe, it is just the whole sadness for the babies things. But I would never want to see this movie again, nor would I really know a group who might enjoy it.

0 out of 4.

Ghost in the Shell

Ghost in the Shell came out a whole year ago, March in 2017. The oldest film on my list of things I should have totally seen last year. And reviewed. And this time there are just no excuses.

I mean, it came out on DVD and Redbox in the summer. Plenty of time to catch up to it. The only reason I didn’t see it was straight up apathy.

I didn’t see the original anime, but the controversy behind it makes sense. Good old white girl playing an incredibly Japanese role. Well, she is a robot, but that barely makes it okay. I went into this film not too stoked, but hey, maybe it is pretty.

Bodysuit
This is the strange robot nakedness that gets certain jollies off.

In the future (!), humans have started to add robot parts to their bodies. Or special programs. Things to make them stronger, smarter, better eye sight, whatever. Normal helpful things. But one corporation decided to go further. They made an entirely awesome robot body, all the strongest best technologies. They just need a human brain to put inside of it to make it work.

Mira Killian (Scarlett Johansson) is almost killed in some cyber terrorist attack, her body mangled beyond repair, but she is still alive. Heck, her parents were killed in the same attack. So Dr. Ouelet (Juliette Binoche) think she is a perfect subject to put into the shell, to keep her alive.

And they can’t just let anyone be in this fucking amazing body. They decide to make her part of the counter-terrorism force. To hunt down crime and put a stop to it with her sexy robotic body. Basically, a sexy RoboCop.

Anyways, Mira doesn’t remember a lot about her past. But she is now going against a hacker with her small team, so you know she is totally going to get mind fucked.

Also starring Pilou Asbæk, Takeshi Kitano, Michael Pitt, Chin Han, and Peter Ferdinando.

Asian
Sort of hard to find an actual Japanese element in this film at times.

Sure, yeah, Ghost in the Shell is a pretty film. Not like gorgeous as fuck, like Blade Runner 2049, but not ugly either. Instead, it is mostly just a mass of CGI and lights and technology. It is technically pretty, but it feels empty. Like…like a shell of a movie.

In terms of plot, it is very hard to follow and specific. It is certainly not entertaining. It feels like a goddamn chore to get through it. I obviously watched it in the comfort of my home, so I was able to pause it and do other things multiple times, because I didn’t want to just pass out throughout the whole film.

I wanted to sleep during the movie, but I knew I needed to know how bad and pointless it was.

Another film that wants to be deep, most likely shitting on the source material all the way through it, and just feeling like a waste of time. How much of a waste of time? Well, less than two hours thankfully. But this film is a travesty to science fiction.

0 out of 4.

Worst Films of 2017

This year has been harder than others to truly keep up my commitment to a year in shitty film.

Now, I was disappointed in a lot of films this year. A lot of films didn’t go as good as expected, but it took me a long time before I got enough 0 out of 4’s. I had my normal end of the year squeeze. That magical sweet spot time where I have to first watch the rest of the probably great movies, make a list of potential shit movies, watching them all before I get to the award movies I missed.

And in that list we have films that I still didn’t get to, and now just won’t. For example, I am so fucking done with Sharknado, it won’t be watched again by me, so no Sharknado 5: Global Swarming. It just isn’t even fun to write about. On a similar fifth in the series note, I honestly just refuse to watch Transformers: The Last Knight. That is 2.5 hours of my life, dealing with a franchise that has not improved in several films. I need time to do hobbies as well!

Other films I didn’t get around to, that might have been bad: A Bad Moms Christmas, 47 Meters Down, Rough Night, Snatched, Amityville: The Awakening, and Sleepless.


(DIS)HONORABLE MENTIONS

Instead of just choosing a few of the ones that didn’t make the list, here are all the other 0 out of 4 films for the year. They should be noted! These films include Unforgettable, The Shack, My Bakery in Brooklyn, A Dog’s Purpose, Resident Evil: The Final Chapter, You Get Me, and of course, Cars 3.


15) The Boss Baby

Starting off this list with probably the only thing to be on my worst of the year list, and nominated for an Oscar. The Boss Baby wasn’t even nominated for an abstract technical award, like Suicide Squad was. It was nominated for BEST animated film.

And the only reason that is true is due to the fact that they changed the voting for animated films. Now everyone in the academy can vote for things, before nominations, in the animated category. So the biggest names will get nominated, and less awesome foreign flicks.

That is the only way to describe why The Boss Baby was nominated. Because it is straight animated trash, but not the worst animated film of the year.

Baby


14) The Nut Job 2: Nutty By Nature

Speaking of animated trash, we have a sequel next. The Nut Job 2: Nutty By Nature was so bad they delayed it over a year to add character to the list!

And guess what. Just like the first film, it is full of non funny jokes, piss poor animation, even pissier poorer plot, and an ending that will leave you scratching your head. This is a good ending? One that we are supposed to show kids? The fuck, animated movie people. The. Fuck.

Nuts


13) Wish Upon

Ah good, this list isn’t just animated films (although, roughly 1/3 of it is). 2017 was by in far one of the best ever years for the horror genre in recent memory. But don’t worry, not everything was a success.

Wish Upon takes the very overdone genre of “be careful what you wish for!” and turns it into a extremely tame horror film, with elements of the Final Destination franchise thrown in for lawls.

It doesn’t work. It feels stupid. And that is just because it IS stupid.

Wish


12) Fist Fight

Oh but what about the funny films? The ones that should make you laugh and be hopefully amusing enough to warrant a grin now and then on your face? Well, Fist Fight is not that that kind of movie.

I watched this movie with a blank face the entire time. It failed to elicit a single grin, a guffaw, or even mirthless chuckle.

It is about two dudes going to fight, one of them not wanting to fight, and eventually, a fight happens. Shrug emoji everyone. This is the WORST LIVE ACTION COMEDY film of 2017!

Fists


11) Kidnap

Almost to the top 10, but on a regular year, I could imagine this one actually have making it closer to the bottom. Kidnap was supposed to come out years ago, but delays in bankrupt companies made us wait.

And now that we have waited, we realize that Kidnap is a terrible thriller. It is ass. It is bad. It is The Call 2.

Halle Berry should be upset about this sort of film coming out, but I think she enjoys doing these movies. That is the only reason we would keep being at this point with her. This is the WORST THRILLER film of 2017.

Kidnap


10) Friend Request

Hooray, the top ten! Now we get another horror film, this one is not American made. I happened to be one of the few people in the world to enjoy the movie, Unfriended. It gave me social media scares!

Friend Request is a movie that tries to do a similar thing, but in a dumber way. We get to have angsty college students, death scenes you can barely understand due to poor lighting, and a message comparable to Walk Up not Walk Out.

I just…its so bad everyone. I can’t believe it even made it to theaters. This is the WORST HORROR film of 2017.

Friends


9) The Book of Henry

It is so hard to describe The Book of Henry. It starts off feeling like a family film, one that goes into some very dark and again, stupid, territory. I feel like stupid is the theme of this list.

This is a plot line featuring an absurdly smart individual, one that isn’t in anyway believable and is annoying throughout the film, especially after he dies. It deals with serious real topics, while shitting all over plausible things to do in these scenarios. It was frankly painful to make it through this film, that I thought would be good the first time I saw a trailer for it. Silly me.

Henry


8) Rogue Warrior: Robot Fighter

There is no way you have heard about Rogue Warrior: Robot Fighter, but I don’t need to make sure films are well known to be on this list. I am not some goddamn Razzies publication.

This film I saw at a film festival, which was never going to be in theaters otherwise. It is a straight to DVD film by a guy who does a lot of these sorts of films. It relies on an attractive woman lead, pretending this movie deals with serious sci-fi elements. But it is poorly made, quickly put together, and something that can easily help you nap. I guess that is a positive.

Rogue


7) The Star

Oh good, the third animated film to make this list! I think the fact that The Star came out and was god awful (pun intended) is the only reason why The Shack didn’t make the list.

It is a retelling of Jesus’ birth, but from the point of view of animals, on their way to the manger, where he was born. It is a comedy film, I guess, and it is religious, of course, yet it is all around painful. It features the cringiest line in film this year, which I put in the full version of the review.

Normally superly religious movies that are really bad always make the list, but this year wasn’t a terrible year for religious movies. I mean, we got mother! Next year however…

star


6) Ghost in the Shell

Ghost in the Shell is the last movie I have seen from 2017 to make this list. It is one I never wanted to watch, but also one I didn’t assume would be on this list. I honestly didn’t.

I just had no interest in what amounted to a whitewashing of a really fucking famous anime. Little did I know it would be as bad as it was. One of those hard to follow plots, attempting to go to a deep place while instead floundering in its CGI robotic horse shit.

Ghost in the Shell does nothing for the viewer. It doesn’t do anything, for anyone. The WORST SCI-FI film of 2017.

Ghost


5) The Only Living Boy In New York

The Only Living Boy In New York is so bad and pointless, that I didn’t review the film until months after I ended up watching it. Why months? Because it was so bad, I forgot I watched it. I accidentally saw the email inviting me to see it, remembered it, hated myself, and then wrote the review.

It was so forgettable, it almost didn’t make this list.

It stars a character who know one will like, dealing with issues that no one cares about. It is some individualized hipster dream movie. I can’t believe this one exists, either.

Boy


4) Fifty Shades Darker

Making fun of these films is almost unfair. They were not made to be good. They are a trashy product, based off a trashy product, that was based on a different set of trashy products.

Fifty Shades Darker is like the first film, but less BDSM, less plot, and more…boats. More goddamn boats.

This is the WORST ROMANCE FILM of 2017.

darker


3) The Dark Tower

The Dark Tower was a very hard review to write, because it was one of those films that just didn’t make any goddamn sense while I watched it. Poor Stephen King, having his life’s work reduced to a CGI fantasy fest film that is only partly based on his works. Something that just feels like two hours of setting up a universe that already was set up in book form, and failing badly.

This might be a good movie for those who have read the material, who can recognize the characters, and see the reasoning behind this. But instead, we get a movie that is CGI full and plot thin. What was this about? I dunno, guns and a mirror world.

This is the WORST FANTASY film of 2017.

Dark


2) Song to Song

Just like the Fifty Shades series, I wonder why I even watch movies made by Terrence Malick. I guess part of me assumes if I watch enough of them, I might finally understand one. I might get the dialogue heavy conversations that float over the actions of sometimes related characters. I might get the whimsical dream nature of these movies.

But until then, they belong on this list, and continue to confuse and confound me. Fuck. Just, stop using these great actors in these confusing films. And who knows what is coming after Song to Song, but I am not looking forward to it, because they are bad movies that just feel like torture to me.

This is the WORST DRAMA film of 2017.

Song


1) The Emoji Movie

I could just put a big picture of a shit emoji to explain this, and everyone would get it. I don’t want to waste any words on The Emoji Movie, which came and went like a fart in the night.

It is forgettable, it is not funny, it is a stamp on a year of bad animated movies. That is all I have to say.

The Emoji Movie is the WORST ANIMATED film of 2017.

Emoji

Thanks for reading! If you disagree with part of this list, let me know. If there is something I missed, let me know (but I probably saw it and reviewed it on this very site! Check out my thoughts). Overall totals put four animated films on this list, but it could have been more. We have a few horror, some thrillers, some comedies, and some super serious drama films. At least one romance, two science fiction, and above all, a lot of crap.

And as always, I accept hate mail via the post office, email, or tweets.

The Human Centipede 3 (Final Sequence)

Holy fuck. Today is the day. Today we have reached the biggest milestone yet. Because that is how numbers work, and each review is the biggest number yet, so of course milestone wise, that would increase as well.

Two. Thousand. 2000. Two thousands reviews on Gorgon Reviews!

I have been slacking a bit, mostly because I didn’t feel any inspiration, but my last Milestone Review was when I hit 1750, at the beginning of 2017, with the Resident Evil Franchise review. I figured that every 50 was getting me a bit burnt out, and most people didn’t care when they were that frequent. That is roughly one every 3 or so months. I figure after this one, I will just do every 100 a Milestone Review, to keep it fresh and fun for me.

But this is too much nonsense. I need to talk about the 2000th film. To catch you all up, I used to say that I didn’t review horror films, just to avoid The Human Centipede, which was popular when I first started writing. For my 1000th review, I changed all of that around and opened up the genre.

For my 1500th review, I did the second film, just as the third one was finally about to come out. And it made a lot of sense to me to make sure I saved The Human Centipede 3 (Final Sequence) for when I hit this magical 2000 number, even if I really never wanted to see this film.

With all this backstory, I can say for sure right now that I have no idea what my 2500th film will end up being. I have nothing on the docket right now, but I have 499 movies to watch first before I have to make any hard decisions.

1
Hard decisions, like whether or not I need to make a human centipede.

In the second movie, the original film was just a movie. In the third film, the first two are both movies, and this one is totally set in the real world this time.

This time it is also set in a prison, in some Southwestern state. This is a prison of anarchy, of brutal prisoners, and a staff who doesn’t give a damn. Led by the Warden, Bill Boss (Dieter Laser), who yes, you would maybe recognize as the evil doctor from the first film. Don’t worry, that isn’t our only reunion! We also have the main assistant/accountant of the warden, Dwight Butler (Laurence R. Harvey), who was the sadistic security guard in the second film!

2
there are a few notable new people to the series though.

Don’t worry, this isn’t just a big sausage fest. We have a woman character! Her name is Daisy (Bree Olson). She is a secretary. She also has to give the warden blowjobs, gets generally sexually harassed all the times, is clearly just an object and not a person. And of course she is played by Bree Olson, known for her work in the adult industry.

Overall, this may have been better to be a full on sausage party. Then we wouldn’t have the unnecessary sexual violence against women also taking part in this movie.

3
And this time, the hammer is not his pistol.

Back to the prison. Man, these inmates are really pissed off at everything. In a mini riot, one of them stabs an officer, so the warden breaks his arm. That is the kind of justice they serve here. The prisoners unfortunately cause problem after problem, where the Warden decides on a whim what to do about it. Like random castrations, which he is happy to do personally. Or waterboarding but with boiling water.

Overall, the warden is a fucked up man. He has a jar of cut off Clitorises from Africa to snack on for strength.

4
Look, you came into this review knowing the movie would be a fuckshow.

All of these issues cause the governor of their state (Eric Roberts) to stop on by, demanding that the violence in this prison be put to a stop. It turns out that the prison has also been spending a lot of money, going almost bankrupt in the process, due to all their extra medical fees.

Good old accountant Dwight though has the solution. He has known for the whole film how they can save money, reduce fighting, and be heroes for the state! You see, Dwight is a fan of a certain two films, which are claimed to be scientifically accurate!

He just needs permission to turn the prison into one giant human centipede, and everyone will love them!

5
Do you really want to know where this blood came from?

No! There is no way this is plausible! It is just a stupid goddamn movie!

But Dwight insists. Hell, they even bring the director, Tom Six (Tom Six) of the first two movies (and yes, he wrote and directed this one) to be an adviser over the whole thing. He has ideas for them, as long as he can also observe and see it happen, because hey, seeing his film come to life would be cool.

They have other issues going on with this idea too. For example, prisoners eventually get to leave the prison. They cannot just make a permanent huge centipede. They have to be able to be removed from teh centipede when their time is up, meaning so taking out their knees, or permanently attaching mouth to anus. There are rules, damn it.

Good news, their doctors know how to make it all work, realistically!

6
Just needed a goddamn planning session, to brainstorm this shit.

Needless to say, the inmates were not too thrilled with the prospect of having to eat shit. They decided to show them that this is not okay, and have another riot! In the process, they messed up Daisy a bit too, and she certainly didn’t deserve any of that. She certainly didn’t deserve to be raped by the warden either, while in a coma after the fact.

I can’t even make jokes out of this shit.

But the film can, specifically shit jokes. Because not all prisoners are medically able to join the centipede. Due to weak blood, or constant Diarrheaing. But those aren’t real problems, they are just punishments for other people!

Either way, the 500 or so prisoners get put into the centipede! For those prisoners who have no chance at parole, they are put into an extra special Human Caterpillar, that doesn’t have those pesky limbs getting in the way of some good old fashioned mouth to anus action.

7
Caterpillar picture not included.

The governor shows up as soon as they are finished. He hears their pitch on how this will save them money on food, on walls, on staff, on riot induced hospital visits. Or even punishment based visits. And the governor is pissed. He thinks they should be locked up. They are certainly fired. This is fucked up, this is fucky, this is oh so so so so bad.

And they put poor Daisy in the chain accidentally, but no one except Dwight cares!

Just when the warden is going to go out in a blaze of glory, the governor has a change of heart. He thinks that it is swell and that they are geniuses.

Oh yay! Too bad that the warden still is a literal walking pile of feces, killing Dwight so that he can have the sole credit.

And now he can run his prison on his own, shirtless, firing his gun into the air and just taunting the prisoners with his loud mouth. The. Fucking. End.

Also featuring people like Clayton Rohner, Robert LaSardo, Tommy ‘Tiny’ Lister, and Jay Tavare as inmates or doctors.

8
They also have some permanent scars so everyone knows you were once part of the prison centipede.

The third and so far final act to this franchise is over 100 minutes long and manages to do something the other films could not. It is for the most part NOT about a gross human centipede contraption. Seriously, it is over halfway through the movie before the accountant is able to finally tell the warden his ideas. That means we have 50 minutes of a warden just being an overall asshole, to other assholes, and we as audience members just have to take it.

And what is the goddamn point? The other films were terrible for focusing on gross aspects, while being worse than torture porn, and poor acting. This one has the poor acting, and seems to focus on MORE gross aspects, just a more diverse set than previous editions.

This film is strange in that it ends on a mostly happy ending for the person who did this to the people. At no point does this version feel scary, it just feels like a waste of time. Bad guy is comically bad, while doing gross things, until he does a bigger grosser thing, the end.

Oh, but again, this one has one woman character, who is used as a sexual object, beaten, and raped, just for the lols. It is downright terrifying in that manner, especially as it is always played as a joke, which is the biggest shocking points of this whole movie.

The third film in this franchise is indeed, different than the first two. But in the end, it is just a different bad way to waste an evening with. Zero. Fun. Sir.

0 out of 4.

Fifty Shades Freed

With Fifty Shades Freed coming out, it makes it the second trilogy to end in 2018 already, and it is only halfway through February! The other one was of course Maze Runner: The Death Cure, which was also complete shit.

I don’t know a lot about the point of this trilogy, but looking at the ad spots online, on youtube, on Hulu, the one thing I realized is that whatever the plot was, they certainly did not want to show it to the viewer. They just wanted us to see people being rich, doing some sexy stuff, and being rich. Rich, sex, rich.

Maybe that is the main point of the movie? Maybe they expect the plot to just maintain “oh, their relationship!” and it be an okay story overall.

edding
Is the wedding the climax, or just the beginning?

The movie begins with the saying of I do from our leads (Which is answers that question). After all, he proposed at the end of the second film, we don’t need to see them planning for it and all that shit. Let’s just see Anastasia become Anastasia Grey (Dakota Johnson) and Christian (Jamie Dornan) stays the same. Which is one of those plots about the movie, him staying the same.

Now we can watch them traveling the world, honeymooning, sexing, being rich. You know. But some guy goes and steals some data from Grey’s company, cutting it short! Oh snap! Now we have some man, or some lady, trying to do bad things to them, and he has “no idea at all why!”. Security is beefed up and some things are a little bit less sexy.

But don’t worry, we still have time to deal with other issues. Like how they never even talked about when they would want kids or if they wanted kids at all. Perfect thing to do post marriage. On that note, that weird ex mistress of his that taught him all of his kinks? You’d think that would be important, but in this movie, it is basically just dealt with in a single scene and ignored the whole way through after it. Yay!

These people are in this movie: Brant Daughtery, Bruce Altman, Eloise Mumford, Eric Johnson, Hiro Kanagawa, Kristen Alter, Luke Grimes, Marcia Gay Harden, Max Martini, and Rita Ora.

SmallBoat
Will the SeaDoo scene be the new boat scene from the previous film?

This film is shit, and everyone knows it is shit. The people who put it out know it is shit. The reason the plot is hard to tell is because there is no discernible plot in the whole movie. Bad plot reasons for man to be bugging them. Characters act stupid and don’t understand what is being told to them, and intentionally characters put off obviously important information until it is too late. We have a couple who still doesn’t make sense together, who just get really kinky around each other I guess. Whatever happens never really looks like love.

We have a main character male who is emotionally and physically abusive at times, yes still in this movie. We have a cartoon bad guy. We have a scene where someone gets slapped twice and kicked in the stomach causing a short term coma, some how.

The infamous boat scene was recreated almost with a house they go to in Colorado. Watching the car go up the driveway, we then see several angles around the house, switch switch switch. It is still full of romantic (maybe? hard to tell when it all sounds the same) pop music, to fill any sort of space they might have for character growth.

And just in case you forgot the other films, near the end, we get to see a long montage of the first two movies, of their romance scenes and travels. Yes, we still see that damn boat again in this film. They did it just to troll me.

And then at some point the movie ends, without resolving one of the major plot issues their relationship had with his ex mistress lady he couldn’t ever stop confiding in. Hooray!

0 out of 4.

The Dark Tower

Outside of the realm of superheros and already established franchises, The Dark Tower film was probably one of the most hyped and anticipated films to come out for some time.

I first heard about the book series in high school, but it existed long before I was at that level. I never touched it because hey, Steven King does scary things, and I didn’t do scary things. But in recent years I thought about adding it to my list of books to hit in the next few years, as I do love long franchises, especially if they are done, not leaving the reader wondering if the final books will ever happen.

The Dark Tower had years of development hell if I recall, for maybe a decade. Different directors, scripts, actors, whatever. But having it come out finally with two top notch actors at the lead sounded great!

It just started to sound a lot worse when people learned that it was meant as a follow up of the successful franchise, and not the successful franchise itself.

Guns
Initial thoughts? This needs way more guns!

In this section I’d love to tell you about, the film and everything it is about. But it is really hard for me to to describe a plot when the plot itself feels so incomprehensible for most of the film.

I know it starts with a boy, Jake (Tom Taylor), who is young and having weird recurring dreams that make him piss his pants. Not literally. All the people around him say that it is trauma from the death of his dad a year or so ago, but they are consistent, similar, and freaking him out.

They have some dude wearing black (Matthew McConaughey) really wanting to destroy some tower somewhere, and a Gunslinger guy (Idris Elba) not wanting him to do that thing.

And in the simplest way, that is the plot. But it involves a parallel universe or shadow realm, magic stuff, disaster stuff and monster things. And some how the kid is key to it all, because YOLO.

Also starring Ben Gavin, Claudia Kim, and Jackie Earle Haley. Other people too, but I think they’d rather I didn’t lump them in this review as well.

Black
Final thoughts: This still didn’t live up to my gun potential.

What a fucking mess. Or a goddamn mess. I am not sure what kind of mess this film ended up being.

If I had read seven or whatever books in this series before watching this movie, would it have been better? I don’t even know. I can’t actually imagine a big budgeted film coming out that requires that much investment in books to understand it. The movie definitely attempted to explain some things. Why else have some kid thrown into the story if not an exposition device for the viewers?

But I still have no earthly idea what I watched. Once it started doing its silly other world stuff, the film just jumped off the rails and my mind was gone. Extremely poor plot and writing aside, it also was very unattractive to look at. The CGI was awful. The movie was loud and tried to fill itself with cool sequences instead of just good movie.

I mean. I am trying really hard to remember cool or especially bad moments in the film. Something that stands out. But when your movie is 100% trash, well, then it just looks like trash.

0 out of 4.

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