Tag: Milestone Review

The Human Centipede 3 (Final Sequence)

Holy fuck. Today is the day. Today we have reached the biggest milestone yet. Because that is how numbers work, and each review is the biggest number yet, so of course milestone wise, that would increase as well.

Two. Thousand. 2000. Two thousands reviews on Gorgon Reviews!

I have been slacking a bit, mostly because I didn’t feel any inspiration, but my last Milestone Review was when I hit 1750, at the beginning of 2017, with the Resident Evil Franchise review. I figured that every 50 was getting me a bit burnt out, and most people didn’t care when they were that frequent. That is roughly one every 3 or so months. I figure after this one, I will just do every 100 a Milestone Review, to keep it fresh and fun for me.

But this is too much nonsense. I need to talk about the 2000th film. To catch you all up, I used to say that I didn’t review horror films, just to avoid The Human Centipede, which was popular when I first started writing. For my 1000th review, I changed all of that around and opened up the genre.

For my 1500th review, I did the second film, just as the third one was finally about to come out. And it made a lot of sense to me to make sure I saved The Human Centipede 3 (Final Sequence) for when I hit this magical 2000 number, even if I really never wanted to see this film.

With all this backstory, I can say for sure right now that I have no idea what my 2500th film will end up being. I have nothing on the docket right now, but I have 499 movies to watch first before I have to make any hard decisions.

Hard decisions, like whether or not I need to make a human centipede.

In the second movie, the original film was just a movie. In the third film, the first two are both movies, and this one is totally set in the real world this time.

This time it is also set in a prison, in some Southwestern state. This is a prison of anarchy, of brutal prisoners, and a staff who doesn’t give a damn. Led by the Warden, Bill Boss (Dieter Laser), who yes, you would maybe recognize as the evil doctor from the first film. Don’t worry, that isn’t our only reunion! We also have the main assistant/accountant of the warden, Dwight Butler (Laurence R. Harvey), who was the sadistic security guard in the second film!

there are a few notable new people to the series though.

Don’t worry, this isn’t just a big sausage fest. We have a woman character! Her name is Daisy (Bree Olson). She is a secretary. She also has to give the warden blowjobs, gets generally sexually harassed all the times, is clearly just an object and not a person. And of course she is played by Bree Olson, known for her work in the adult industry.

Overall, this may have been better to be a full on sausage party. Then we wouldn’t have the unnecessary sexual violence against women also taking part in this movie.

And this time, the hammer is not his pistol.

Back to the prison. Man, these inmates are really pissed off at everything. In a mini riot, one of them stabs an officer, so the warden breaks his arm. That is the kind of justice they serve here. The prisoners unfortunately cause problem after problem, where the Warden decides on a whim what to do about it. Like random castrations, which he is happy to do personally. Or waterboarding but with boiling water.

Overall, the warden is a fucked up man. He has a jar of cut off Clitorises from Africa to snack on for strength.

Look, you came into this review knowing the movie would be a fuckshow.

All of these issues cause the governor of their state (Eric Roberts) to stop on by, demanding that the violence in this prison be put to a stop. It turns out that the prison has also been spending a lot of money, going almost bankrupt in the process, due to all their extra medical fees.

Good old accountant Dwight though has the solution. He has known for the whole film how they can save money, reduce fighting, and be heroes for the state! You see, Dwight is a fan of a certain two films, which are claimed to be scientifically accurate!

He just needs permission to turn the prison into one giant human centipede, and everyone will love them!

Do you really want to know where this blood came from?

No! There is no way this is plausible! It is just a stupid goddamn movie!

But Dwight insists. Hell, they even bring the director, Tom Six (Tom Six) of the first two movies (and yes, he wrote and directed this one) to be an adviser over the whole thing. He has ideas for them, as long as he can also observe and see it happen, because hey, seeing his film come to life would be cool.

They have other issues going on with this idea too. For example, prisoners eventually get to leave the prison. They cannot just make a permanent huge centipede. They have to be able to be removed from teh centipede when their time is up, meaning so taking out their knees, or permanently attaching mouth to anus. There are rules, damn it.

Good news, their doctors know how to make it all work, realistically!

Just needed a goddamn planning session, to brainstorm this shit.

Needless to say, the inmates were not too thrilled with the prospect of having to eat shit. They decided to show them that this is not okay, and have another riot! In the process, they messed up Daisy a bit too, and she certainly didn’t deserve any of that. She certainly didn’t deserve to be raped by the warden either, while in a coma after the fact.

I can’t even make jokes out of this shit.

But the film can, specifically shit jokes. Because not all prisoners are medically able to join the centipede. Due to weak blood, or constant Diarrheaing. But those aren’t real problems, they are just punishments for other people!

Either way, the 500 or so prisoners get put into the centipede! For those prisoners who have no chance at parole, they are put into an extra special Human Caterpillar, that doesn’t have those pesky limbs getting in the way of some good old fashioned mouth to anus action.

Caterpillar picture not included.

The governor shows up as soon as they are finished. He hears their pitch on how this will save them money on food, on walls, on staff, on riot induced hospital visits. Or even punishment based visits. And the governor is pissed. He thinks they should be locked up. They are certainly fired. This is fucked up, this is fucky, this is oh so so so so bad.

And they put poor Daisy in the chain accidentally, but no one except Dwight cares!

Just when the warden is going to go out in a blaze of glory, the governor has a change of heart. He thinks that it is swell and that they are geniuses.

Oh yay! Too bad that the warden still is a literal walking pile of feces, killing Dwight so that he can have the sole credit.

And now he can run his prison on his own, shirtless, firing his gun into the air and just taunting the prisoners with his loud mouth. The. Fucking. End.

Also featuring people like Clayton Rohner, Robert LaSardo, Tommy ‘Tiny’ Lister, and Jay Tavare as inmates or doctors.

They also have some permanent scars so everyone knows you were once part of the prison centipede.

The third and so far final act to this franchise is over 100 minutes long and manages to do something the other films could not. It is for the most part NOT about a gross human centipede contraption. Seriously, it is over halfway through the movie before the accountant is able to finally tell the warden his ideas. That means we have 50 minutes of a warden just being an overall asshole, to other assholes, and we as audience members just have to take it.

And what is the goddamn point? The other films were terrible for focusing on gross aspects, while being worse than torture porn, and poor acting. This one has the poor acting, and seems to focus on MORE gross aspects, just a more diverse set than previous editions.

This film is strange in that it ends on a mostly happy ending for the person who did this to the people. At no point does this version feel scary, it just feels like a waste of time. Bad guy is comically bad, while doing gross things, until he does a bigger grosser thing, the end.

Oh, but again, this one has one woman character, who is used as a sexual object, beaten, and raped, just for the lols. It is downright terrifying in that manner, especially as it is always played as a joke, which is the biggest shocking points of this whole movie.

The third film in this franchise is indeed, different than the first two. But in the end, it is just a different bad way to waste an evening with. Zero. Fun. Sir.

0 out of 4.

Resident Evil: Franchise

After the success of my Saw Franchise review as a Milestone Review, I knew I wanted to do it again at some point in the future. Films that were mostly too old to be reviewed individually on the website, but as a whole, could make a pretty decent Milestone Review investment, for whatever relevant reason I could think about. And yes, I was a bit surprised that it was review 550, when it doesn’t feel like that long ago.

And I knew the next one of those I would want to do would be the Resident Evil Franchise for a variety reasons. The fact that this is review 1750 makes it extra special in my eyes.

1) When I moved to Ames, I started to review EVERYTHING that hit our theaters, both new and the cheap-o theater. I made that declaration the week AFTER Resident Evil: Retribution left the main theaters apparently. I had no worry, I would watch it when it hit the cheap theaters, because I would even watch “horror” movies now. And then the cheap theater never got it.

2) End of January, a new Resident Evil film comes out, and hey, I need to watch these in order to prepare for it.

And finally, 3) I own all five of these films on Blu-Ray, bought a couple years ago on Black Friday real cheap. So, uhh, I really need to watch them already. Also, I never rushed to watch them, because I have never really played any of these games. I played like, 5-10 minutes of Resident Evil 4, found it too scary, and didn’t touch it again.

And I will finally have some context for The Kick Heard Around the Video Game Movie World.

Resident Evil

Let’s talk about Resident Evil, the first movie based on a horror video game, based on the first horror action video game. This film starts us in the Umbrella Corporation facility. They do tech stuff around the world, basically Google, but they also secretly did weapon stuff around the world, making them filthy rich. After some disease juice gets loose in their facility, the AI who runs the whole thing (The Red Queen), kills everyone inside the facility. Every single scientist, worker, peon.

So a military group of soldiers are being sent down there to investigate why and to turn off The Red Queen. Before this happens, we see Alice (Milla Jovovich) waking up naked in a bathtub, in a mansion, with some amnesia. And that is when the soldiers bust in. The group, led by “One” (Colin Salmon) bring Alice along into The Hive (the name of the underground research facility) and let her know that she works for the Umbrella Corporation as well and is meant to guard the entrance. The rest of the team includes Michelle Rodriguez and Martin Crewes. They also have Matt (Eric Mabius) as someone who they recently arrested, and Spence (James Purefoy), Alice’s husband and also guardian of the mansion.

Don’t get your pants in a twist, this monster is coming.

When they get down there, they find destruction, death, and weird shit everywhere. Getting into The Red Queen’s server room is difficult and people die, but damn it, they shut down The Red Queen. Yay! Time to leave and go back to the fun outside in Raccoon City, good job everyone. BUT WAIT. With the AI shut down, all of the locks and operations shut down as well. And it turns out that the virus, the T-Virus, basically made zombies. And shit like that thing in the picture above to deal with.

Somehow Alice is like, super incredibly, awesome. She fights so well. Turns out that Spence is the one who spread the virus, because he was trying to stop Matt and his sister from telling the world about what they were doing. So Spence has to die, and Alice and Matt barely escape to the top before bad things happen, with Matt dying from a claw mark, the antidote so close… And then they are found by Umbrella operatives and taken away.

When Alice awakes, she finds herself in an empty hospital. After she gets out of there, she finds Raccoon City in ruins. Crashed cars, fires, and apparently the T-Virus got out and it is zombie time in the real world. MOVIE 2!

2 out of 4.

Resident Evil: Apocalypse

Resident Evil: Apocalypse, the extremely high bar setting subtitle, take place right after the events of the first film. Because of the team going in to capture Alice and Matt, they accidentally also let off a wave of the infected zombies onto the city. And this spreads like wild, against Umbrella’s interests. They set up a perimeter wall around the city and only have one area for people to leave, assuming they pass the test to show they are not infected or bitten. But when the dead get to that area to, they close off the last gate and leave the people inside to deal with it on their owns, even willing to fire on regular citizens.

And this is a problem. This is what Alice wakes up to. Umbrella tried to get its best scientists out of the city as well, including the inventor of the T-Virus, Dr. Ashford (Jared Harris). They were unable to get his daughter out though, Angie (Sophie Vavasseur), clearly the inspiration for The Red Queen. So he wants people to go in and find her, anyone really, promising them a way out.

It takes a lot of skill to keep that outfit together in a high action zombie apocalypse.

People like Jill Valentine (Sienna Guillory), an ex-cop who hated Umbrella, and her old friend, Sargeant Payton Wells (Razaaq Adoti). People like Umbrella soldiers Carlos (Oded Fehr) and Nicholai (Zack Ward). And eventually all of them meet up with a news reporter Terri (Sandrine Holt), and T.J. (Mike Epps), a guy with guns, and Alice and the girl.

Also running around the city is a giant monster, named Nemesis, working for Umbrella and killing soldiers, not citizens. He is controlled by Umbrella, namely Major Cain (Thomas Kretschmann). Eventually they find out that the monster is actually Matt, from the first on. He was experimented on, just like Alice, except she just got super strong and looked the same while he mutated as he was already scratched. Oh snap!

Also Dr. Ashford gets killed, a lot of fighting ensures, and the survivors escape on a helicopter as Raccoon City is fucking blasted with a nuke! Their helicopter crashes in the wave, Alice is killed saving the girl and Umbrella finds them some time later. Alice wakes up a few weeks later, in a Detroit Umbrella facility, by Dr. Sam Isaacs (Iain Glen), restores her own memories, breaks out and goes on the run with T.J., Jill, Carlos, and Angela, with Isaacs letting her run, knowing she is still controlled. Or something.

1 out of 4.

Resident Evil: Extinction

Exctinction takes us five years further into the franchise. The T-Virus has spread throughout the world, and basically life sucks. It is all desert-y and dead, very Mad Max-esque. Alice is now driving on her own, abandoning her friends because she is being tracked by satellite. She also has some sort of psychic powers now, thanks to experimentation.

Somewhere near Las Vegas is where we find them all now, Alice wandering and killing bad people and bad zombies alike. And a big caravan of survivors looking for a place to call home. It is led by Claire Redfield (Ali Lartner), and features some returnees like Carlos and T.J. Yay! No idea where Jill went. Some of the new “survivors” include a girl named K-Mart (Spencer Locke) and other actors (Ashanti, Christopher Egan, Matthew Marsden, and Linden Ashby).

Dust bowl
Shit, sand got everywhere. I hate sand.

And uhh, well, eventually Umbrella attacks them again when they are in Las Vegas trying to get supplies. They want to go to Alaska, where they heard there is a settlement. More people die, and Alice goes to the local Umbrella facility to put a stop to them and take their helicopter, so the survivors can go. And she does that!

Inside the lair is of course Dr. Isaacs again, but this time he was weak, so he injected himself with the T-Virus too. This turned him into a hybrid fighting entity, with arms that could be elongated with tentacles. Fun! Alice kills that guy, finds out that this facility has hundreds of Alice clones, and she plans to use them to take down Umbrella. Looks like they are located in Tokyo for sure now, they didn’t like Isaacs, and some guy in glasses (Jason O’Mara) is the new, bad guy. Survivors to Alaska, Alice plans to take out Tokyo Hive, end of film.

2 out of 4.

Resident Evil: Afterlife

Afterlife begins with showing how Tokyo got infected. Then we see Alice storm in after Extinction, clone army and all, and clear house. But Wesker (Shawn Roberts), Mr. Sunglasses himself, now played by a new actor, escapes. During their battle, he removes Alice’s super powers, of which she is happy, they both crash and explode and somehow, Alice survives. So she makes her way to Alaska.

There she is attacked by Claire, with a metal spider on her chest. Once she removes it, Claire stops, with some amnesia and doesn’t talk. But Alice finds no other survivors, just a lot of planes and emptiness. So she flies a plane to LA with Claire and lands on top of a prison with some survivors flagging her down. The survivors include Luther West (Boris Kodjoe), Crystal Waters (Kacey Clarke), Angel (Sergio Peris-Mencheta), Bennett (Kim Coates), and a prisoner who calls himself Chris (Wentworth Miller).

Indoor rain scenes are all the rage these days, not at all for sexual reasons either.

And yeah, they are now in a prison, surrounded by zombies. Not just zombies, but a giant one with a big axe/hammer weapon, called Axeman. Turns out Arcadia, the Alaskan settlement, was actually the name of a ship, which is off the coast. They want to get to the ship, to see the other survivors, makes sense. So they do that. They escape, some people die, but when they get to the ship, turns out it also is an Umbrella trap.

They have everyone in tubes under ground, for testing or who knows what. And surprise! There is Wesker again, this time, super super fucking powerful, and fast, and he can regenerate. Much fighting occurs, eventually he is on a ship that explodes and everyone is free! Yay, the survivors are freed from the tubes, when…suddenly! More Umbrella ships show up, with guns. And our old friend, Jill Valentine, now blonde and not at all looking like her former self. But she has a robot spider on her chest, and then…movie ends!

0 out of 4.

Resident Evil: Retribution

Don’t worry, at the start of Retribution, we will see what immediately happens to Alice in crew, but in slow motion and backwards! Then she will tell us about the first four movie plot, then it will show the attack in regular motion at regular speed. Then we find Alice waking up in a suburban house, with a husband, a deaf child Becky (Aryana Engineer) and no zombies. Weird. Okay. Until zombies attack their neighborhood! Lot of people start dying and of course, then real Alice wakes up, again, in an Umbrella facility.

Sigh. Okay. But the computer that runs it starts to malfunction. So she escapes, a lot of weird things happen, and somehow she finds herself in Tokyo right when the plague begins? What in the fuck? Blah blah action, blah blah plot, eventually we get some knowledge. She is in a large Hive base (They are all really big), but it is a testing facility in Russia. They built huge areas to simulate T-Virus attacks in a few major cities, to sell the tech to governments against each other. It is also underwater and under ice. But don’t work she is being rescued by…Wesker?! What, he survived?

Oh and Ada Wong (Bingbing Li) his assistant. Apparently they want to free her to finally bring down Umbrella, because now Umbrella is being run by The Red Queen herself. They now have to escape, with Becky (who things Alice is her mom, despite just being a clone), in a two hour timer before the facility explodes. Also rescuing her on the other side is a crack team of warriors. Including Luther West! Also Leon Kennedy (Johann Urb), Barry Burton (Kevin Durand), and two guys who are totally not as important (Robin Kasyanov, Ofilio Portillo).

Resident Evil always had the most appropriate outfits for fighting AND doing that BDSM thing.

That’s right, this is another movie where they have to escape a place before they all die. But this one features a lot of returning members, because apparently a lot of them were actually clones the whole time. So people from the first and second movie are back, just to fight her with Valentine, still controlled by a robot, while the base comes crumbling down. And more Axemen, zombies, infected, and guns.

Needless to say, eventually they win, and get picked up by Wesker. Where is Wesker? In the White House, with the “last remaining survivors” ready to finally rid the infected threat once and for all. Maybe.

0 out of 4.


Oh where to do we begin. I guess the first film. Despite having CGI that has aged terribly over the last 14 years, the first film in the franchise is dreadfully okay. The acting isn’t great, but the concept it is introducing is original for the time and it creates a potentially scary situation. Out of all the five films, it is the scariest because everything is new, but again, bad CGI takes away some of the frights. Some of the scenes felt straight out of a video game, but it still wasn’t high art in any sense of the word.

Resident Evil: Apocalypse introduces us to some video game characters and a lot more action. Action at the expense of horror. Like, there are no fears at all in this movie. The zombies aren’t scary, and Nemesis NEVER feels scary, just threatening and powerful. For a horror franchise to immediately drop large portions of horror is a terrible move to make. But at least this film feels like the next step in the franchise and continues the plot along decently, despite the dumb teaser at the end. It is still bad and should feel bad, but there were some attempts there.

Resident Evil: Extinction takes the series in a completely different direction than anyone expected. The point of it was to make a scarier movie with a lot of it set during the day instead of night like normal zombie flicks. The plot was a bit of a weaker point in this film as well, but it would have been stronger had the next two movies not done what they did. It did increase some of the horror elements from the first film, not to the same level, but that is why I left it as okay. Mad Max and Zombies is a fun crossover idea and the film once again got a closer to some sort of closure.

Wow how did Umbrella get their logo to burn on a building like that? Is that a metaphor?!

Resident Evil: Afterlife is where the franchise starts to hit garbage fire mode. To talk about both films, neither really seem to feature that strongly of a horror element. Once again, these films feel incredibly action oriented, with very weak plots. And by weak plots, I mean the films should barely exist. After the third film, we have Alice heading to stop Umbrella Corp’s main office in Tokyo. Awesome, she does that early in the film, then most of the film is instead dealing with this being stuck in a prison, trying to get on a ship situation. This is not really a new plot line from this franchise or from zombie films in general.

And in the fifth film, we start off once again LOCKED IN A GODDAMN UMBRELLA BUILDING. And the entire focus of the movie is to get out of the building. Just like movie one. Just like movie four. They are just rehashing the same plot line and not moving the plot along. Sure, at the end of the movie, they escape the place that they were. But they are solving problems that the films itself create.

After the third film, we can sort of assume where the franchise is going and will go. And instead of delivering that outcome, the fourth film is almost entirely a filler plot line. At the end of the fourth film, we know where the franchise should go, and instead of getting there, it is entirely filled with a different fucking filler plot line. They create and solve issues in the movie itself at the expense of telling a story and it is downright furious.

Sure, they might have some cool sequences in them. They were movies made for 3D and IMAX screens. But they abandoned the genre of horror, retold the first plot in worse ways, and refused to give us growth, which is goddamn necessary that late in to a franchise.

I can hope and hope amongst all things that the next film, Resident Evil: The Final Chapter, will bring us the plot we have been looking forward to. But I honestly am just assuming it will also end on a bad cliffhanger and not actually be the final movie. Because money. And dicks.

2 out of 4.

1 out of 4.

2 out of 4.

0 out of 4.

0 out of 4.

Looney Tunes: Back in Action

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you my 1700th (ish) movie review. Yes, a Milestone Review!

Except this is also technically my 1702th review. I have been quite busy lately and I forgot this grand milestone was coming upon us. Technically my review of Central Intelligence was the 1700th posted, but hey, close fucking enough, right!?

Anyways, Looney Tunes: Back In Action. Do you remember it existing at all? I doubt it. The first movie after the wildly cult success of Space Jam, I remember avoiding it at all costs. It looked bad, it looked different, it wasn’t Space Jam 2. Fourteen year old me knew it would be bad, and after it came out we basically all agreed to stop talking about it.

But to continue with a different theme. Is this the movie that helped kill Brendan Fraser‘s post Mummy career? I already did a milestone review of Journey to the Center of the Earth, but that didn’t kill his career as it was already on the decline in 2008.

Can a duck bring down a jungle boy, a caveman, and a rock star?

In this world gone mad, Looney Tunes and other cartoon figures roam the streets and live throughout the world, because they are just strange animated actors. Yes, they can still ignore physics and have other cartoon perks, but they are just…real. And in this real world, Warner Brothers is about to fire Daffy Duck.

He is being a dick, demanding rewrites, tired of getting shot and so on, so they just say screw him and kick him out of the studio. They don’t give a fuck, people want to see Bugs Bunny anyways, not the other cast and crew.

Surely this decision will not come back to bite Kate Houghton, Vice-President of Comedy (Jenna Elfman), in the ass.

These are the only other non LT cartoon characters shown and hey, it is a funny scene.

DJ Drake (Brendan Fraser) is a sort of stunt man and security guard at WB and he is yelled at to find the Duck and make sure he actually leaves the lot. Of course there is a huge scuffle and the batman mobile ends up knocking over the WB water tower, all over executives and equipment, thanks to DJ and Daffy. So DJ gets fired too, a double whammy firing day!

Those WB executives sure are cold. Looks like Kate didn’t know that he was a special security guard/stunt man. His father was Damien Drake (Timothy Dalton), a really famous movie star for the company. Shit.

She doesn’t care, they ruined her hat!

Speaking of his father, turns out Damien Drake is more than just a movie star. He is secretly a spy (because spies are usually a secretive profession). Damien needs his son to travel to Las Vegas, find his associate, and help find the “blue monkey” diamond. What is that? Good question. DAmien is too busy getting kidnapped to answer though.

And Daffy hasn’t left DJ alone, so he demands to come along for the ride. The studio be damned, he has an adventure to do.

About this time also, Kate realized she fucked up, the movie isn’t as funny without Daffy, so she makes it her mission to find DJ and Daffy to restore her film and restore her job.

That is a different woman with a different job.

They end up meeting up, making it to Vegas and that dancer is of course Dusty Tails (Heather Locklear, shit, how old is this movie?), a secret spy as well. She works at a club run by Yosemite Sam because he works for the ACME corporation, the big bad guys of this world.

Wanna know why they are bad? Good question. But they are the ones who captured Damien! Dusty gives them a Queen playing card with Mona Lisa’s face and they are chased off by Yosemite.

They also find out that the evil ACME corporation wants the blue monkey diamond to…turn everyone in the world into monkeys! Oh, okay. Mr. Chairman (Steve Martin), is that really your goal?

“Of course it is, why else would I be stretching??”

The gang heads to Paris, France, as they are basically now spies and fuck it. They go to The Louvre because The Mona Lisa painting is there and they know how to read obvious clues.

Using secret card technology, they discover that behind The Mona Lisa is a map of Africa. And it doesn’t look to detailed, but it is the best they got. Elmer Fudd also shows up, turns out he was secretly working for ACME as well, oh no! Fudd chases our duck and bunny through a series of paintings because they are cartoon characters, whatever.

And you know what? It annoys me. They go from famous painting to famous painting. Like The Scream painting. And the god damn Scream painting isn’t at The Louvre, never really was, but the movie goes lazy. Sure, they can get the Mona Lisa right, but then they decide to skirt the details?

Come on assholes. Anyways, as expected, they escape and head to “Africa” to find the next clue.

Hopefully there isn’t another art museum there. It’s best paintings will have been stolen b The Louvre.

In Africa, they awkwardly find the Jungle Temple like. Really quickly. The Grandma and Tweety bird show it to them, because they know things too. Inside is the Blue Monkey, and then, shenanigans! The Grandma and company were actually Mr. Chairman the whole time!

They transport everyone back to their lair, using technology, and force DJ and Kate to give up the blue diamond when they show Damien as their prisoner.


And now, by putting it on the satellite, they can turn the whole world into monkeys!

This picture is entirely out of place, but its strangeness makes it okay.

At this point, a lot of comic violence occurs. They have to fight to save Damien, fight to get the blue monkey back, and more people appear.

Of course they save the day and the only one who turns into a monkey is Mr. Chairman himself, take that fuckers. Daffy had to become Duck Dodgers to do it, but he was successful.

They determine the whole thing was staged to be a film and all of this was meaningless. Makes a bit more sense now. But don’t worry, Bugs is going to make Daffy equal partners from now on, until the credits suddenly appear and a deal can’t be made. Ha ha, suck it Daffy!

Other people I didn’t even bother to mention in this film include Joan Cusack and Roger Corman!

And we have to end the film with a kiss, it just makes sense.

There were so many bad decisions made in this film, it is unbelievable.

In Space Jam, we go from a regular human world with cartoons, where they live in the earth in a magical other realm, to…they just live on Earth and everything is fine? Having all of these characters not together,spread out awkwardly around the world means outside of Daffy and Bugs we rarely get any real cameo time. So it is all Bugs and Daffy and very little else, feeling like a huge missed opportunity.

And the genre shift goes from space adventure sports film to a spy film? Going from Sports film to Spy film is usually not a good genre order, but at least now can understand where Cars 2 got the terrible idea from.

I am not sure if this is the film that killed Fraser’s career, because no one really saw it or cared for it enough to damage his already strange career. Plus, Monkeybone was already a thing at this time. Another film I haven’t seen but could try it for a future milestone given the weird things I’ve heard. It might have damaged Elfman’s movie career before it could really take off, so she basically stuck to TV.

But here is the most important question I have. The subtitle is Back in Action. What the fuck at they back in action to? Like, if this was a direct sequel to Space Jam that might make sense. As they return to Earth to do things (spy things unfortunately, but things nonetheless). But no, it is talking about a return, but there is no return at any point in this movie.

If it should have a title along these lines, Looney Tunes: Now in Action might make sense as this spy adventure is not their normal cup of tea.

This movie is a disgrace. Space Jam might not actually be a great film (according to lame people), but this one is far below Space Jam.

0 out of 4.

Baby Geniuses

You saw the title of this review. You aren’t a complete noob. You know what is going down.

With this, I have reached review number 1650 for my website. Like I have been saying more and more lately, sure, that number isn’t sexy, but a milestone is still sexy to me. My last few Milestone Reviews have had a theme of career ending films for the actors involved. So I figured we needed to take a break from that and switch to babies.

I used to hate babies. They confused me. Then I went and had one of my own. Hell, my baby turned 1 just last week. Literally a week ago from this posting. That is crazy. I understand babies now. And I also understood that Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 was considered one of the worst films ever created. Have I seen it? Of course not, why would I watch anything back then starring babies? But now it is basically a film I have to review eventually as a Milestone Review.

BUT IT IS A SEQUEL. A movie has come before it. Baby Geniuses. A whole five years earlier, when it was still the 1990s! The 90’s have a lot of weird and strange movies, reviewing them all would be a terrifying endeavor. But this time, there is an important reason. If I never see Baby Geniuses, then I can never see Superbabies without the proper context! Don’t worry, Superbabies won’t be review #1700. Instead I will just sneak it out sometime in the future. Definitely before review #2000.

Daww, babies giggling or something. That can be cute.

Babies are inherently smart. That is the main point of this movie. They know a whole lot about the universe. Secrets of the universe. That is all hiding up in their baby heads. And they can communicate with other babies, using their baby talk language. It is just that once they start learning the actual human language they forget everything before then. They call it crossing over. Learning human talk means forgetting everything they knew from baby times and thus becoming non important entities in the world.

If you missed my explanation, don’t worry, a high tech computer explains all of the backstory to Dr. Heep (Christopher Lloyd), despite being a doctor who knows all of this to be true. Heep and Dr. Kinder (Kathleen Turner) just haven’t fully figured out baby speak yet. They know how to teach babies to be incredibly smart, including karate and shit, they just don’t know how to communicate with those little ankle biters.

Look at how evil they look! Mwhahaha!

Anyways, their best baby is Sylvester (I don’t want to tag the babies or their voice people) as he has been there the longest. He is almost 2 years old, an excellent fighter (sigh), and constantly trying to escape their laboratories at BabyCo. BabyCo is a company that just makes toys and items for babies, makes sense.

Sylvester (or Sly as they call him) is a twin that they took from an orphanage. The other twin is Whit, but he was adopted by Robin (Kim Cattrall) and Dan (Peter MacNicol). Robin is the niece of Dr. Kinder, and Dan is just really good with babies and writes books or something.

Holy fuck that is a big baby!

Anyways, Sly does another escape attempt, and guess what! It is successful. It involves hiding in a dirty diaper basket, getting thrown away, and getting the crap (heh) out of there. He tries to bring another baby with him, a girl, but she is too scared to go. So, obviously, she goes alone.

And then he heads to a mall. To hide, he switches clothes with a girl baby and goes completely undercover. Yep, he wears drag as the baby calls it. Sly waits until the mall is closed before going out of hiding and he has the mall to himself! Yes!

When you have a mall to yourself, obviously you can now play video games. And change your outfit! So we get an entire baby fashion show, seeing the baby in a tux, a Saturday Night Fever outfit, and more get ups. While dancing and doing random shit.

This picture isn’t good enough. Just watch the scene while it exists on YouTube.

That scene really irks me for probably obvious reasons. Babies can’t dance, just like babies can’t fight and stuff. But since this is just a one camera shot of him dancing a few times, not a lot of quick cuts, they couldn’t fake it well. So they got a tiny good dancing toddler/kid or midget to do all the dancing. Or a large person and made them look small by perspective. But then they OBVIOUSLY just kind of attached a the face of the baby onto the dancer both times. It looks awkward as it is badly done and obviously fake.

Just such poor quality. I mean, at this point in the movie I already knew it was terrible. I just didn’t expect it to get this bad.

Oh hey, did I mention JoyLand? It is a baby themed Theme Park, entirely indoors. Kids can use it too. All of it is free for them, parents have to pay and the money goes to research or charity. Everything is robotic, including that one giant robot baby. There is an entirely robotic petting zoo too, that a child can take a controller for an animal and make them do things. Why? Because apparently no one else has one like it.

Although, it takes away from any reason to really go. People can see fake animals every day, clearly a real petting zoo is a superior thing, but whatever. I am sure the robot stuff won’t come back to harm them.

I also have barely talked about these guys. Maybe I will do that now.

Thanks to the most unlikely of circumstances, Sly picks and outfit that Whit owns. And they both happen to be wearing it. Robin decides to take Whit to the mall and they run into each other in one of those big crawl tube places. They freak each other out, go opposite ways. So Robin ends up grabbing Sly and the goons end up grabbing Whit! Oh no!

Sly is stoked, because he escape. He goes back to that house. He finds out that Whit had a sister, a bit younger than him, Carrie. And Carrie knows that Sly is an impostor but doesn’t know what to think. Whit is back at the secret lab, with a bunch of smarter babies, all sad and crying and confused. But no one cares. They don’t care about the crying baby. THEY DON’T CARE ABOUT THE CRYING BABY EVERYONE.

This lady is a big fat phony. She just wants to eat the babies.

Where am I? I barely remember.

Dr. Kinder realizes quickly that the goons grabbed the wrong baby. It is actually that fuckface Whit, her nieces adopted kid. So she figures she will just go running over to her house to grab the correct kid, no problems.

But there are problems. Namely in that Dan through his own research has basically figured out baby talk. He can understand the babble and what it means in actual Human English. That’s fucking crazy. And when his kid tells him to not let him be left with Dr. Kinder, he listens.

There are a fuck ton of other babies in this movie, but none of them really matter.

Anyways, some more dumb stuff happens for awhile. Then all the babies in the research facility are sent to Lichtenstein, because that is where their other lab is. The babies at the house led by Sly decide to break into Joyland/BabyCo to break the other babies out. Or destroy the research. Or something. They do it by hypnotizing Lenny (Dom DeLuise), whom I don’t even know why he is in this movie. Him or Dickie (Kyle Howard).

And of course, the robot animals and robot babies are used to take out all the guards. Some more things happens, Dr. Kinder loses, and the babies Whit and Sly decide to cross over from the baby speak land into Human language land, leaving behind the secrets of the universe and more. Sly gets adopted by Robin and Dan and yay families.

The ending then has like, 3 minutes of montage of the babies doing stuff, like, actual clips from the movie we just saw, with the Randy Travis song The Gift Of Love for some reason. I guess they wanted that emotional impact ending and to fulfill your quota of babies for the next week.

Kyle, what are you even doing? And this isn’t even his worst outfit.

I can readily admit that this is not my best written Milestone Review. It is not even top half most likely. It doesn’t help that within the first 10 minutes of the movie I knew I already hated it, with the rest of the 80 or so minutes not doing a damn thing to change my mind.

So yeah, it became a bit harder to remember all the different aspects of the film. Like random baby names. Like the purpose of Deluse or Howard in the film. Like the plan at the end. Like how Lichtenstein was even involved. My mind tried to completely wipe all knowledge of the film right after viewing it, with only my few notes written down as a guide to actually write this summary.

It doesn’t help that this movie is from the 1990s, was a crap quality, and finding decent pictures of it on google was a major pain.

The biggest problem with this movie is that it is a comedy that doesn’t have any good humor. Oh, they insert a bunch of giggling babies to make you think funny moments are happening, but babies giggle at every random little thing. It is like they made this movie for babies and no one else to find entertaining. But if you know babies, they can watch and be entertained by anything, regardless of how deep the content is.

And honestly, if you are going to have a movie where babies before 2 years are super smart, know all these things and communicate with each other, you shouldn’t still have them sound like babies. That is boring. You know what is funny? Babies sounding like adults. Just look at those ETrade Baby commercials, talking about adult things with a grown up voice.


This movie is not and once I hit Publish, I will forget about this one too. Let’s assume I need no previous knowledge to understand Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2.

0 out of 4.

The Master of Disguise

We here at Gorgon Reviews believe in tradition. It is tradition that puts a review out every weekday, that keeps the chuckles coming, and forces me up late at night to write long lengthy pieces.

That’s right. Another Milestone Review. This time the magical number is 1600. And I didn’t have to look long. My last Milestone Review was The Love Guru, a truly unfunny film that killed Mike Myers‘ career and wasn’t accurate to the wonderful sport of Hockey.

But Myers used to have a buddy. A comprade, a friend, also from SNL. Dana Carvey. He played small roles mostly, never really famous, but he did make his own big flop. One that, basically, also killed his career. No longer could these dude’s just party on, they reached a point where people didn’t want to see them anymore.

And for Carvey, that point was apparently reached in 2003 with the release of The Master of Disguise. A film so hated and talked down upon on the internet, that I imagined there could be no way it was that bad. It was probably just jerks who didn’t even see it and hated the trailer. It is cool to hate on movies in a crowd, after all.

I needed to give The Master of Disguise a chance. It is important, for poor old Carvey’s sake.

I just have to remember that it came out in 2002 when jokes like these might have been funny.

Our story begins in 1979, where we learn about the Disguisey family. They are an Italian family who have learned to harness the power of disguise. Not just putting on a costume and changing your voice, but almost fully becoming a new person. They have used this power for good and to protect the world from bad people. Never anything super dangerous, just common criminals.

Which is why we see Bo Derek running from armed criminals. Bo Derek?! No, just kidding. It is actually Fabbrizio Disguisey (James Brolin) in disguise as Bo Derek. With his help, a criminal, Devlin Bowman (Brent Spiner) gets arrested. He ran a smuggling ring and thus he had to be stopped.

The life of a Disguisey is very dangerous, but it is a calling they feel in their blood. Despite this, Fabbrizio decides to not tell his young son of these gifts and responsibilities, to protect him from a hard future. And he isn’t all the way there in the head.

This isn’t even part of a disguise. For him, this is just Tuesday.

Now, 23 years later, Fabbrizio is presumably retired from the game and just running an Italian restaurant in unnamed Italian family. He has a wife (Edie McClurg), with the name of Mother Disguisey, and a awkward, nerdy son who is a waiter at the restaurant. Now, poor Pistachio, he has the urge to be a true Disguisey without knowing what that means. So instead he spends a lot of his time dressing up in his room and mimicking guests with unique voices.

These are not good traits for a waiter, but damn it, Fabbrizio loves his son. Pistachio thinks he has finally hit it off with a lovely big reared lady, Sophia (Maria Canals-Barrera), but she is actually into another waiter.

But Pistachio is still a good guy. He is nice to kids. Like little Brave Barney Baker (Austin Wolff), who hurts himself skateboarding outside the shop. To make him feel better, Pistachio lets him play with his dog, The Cuteness, whenever he wants.

And that is his mom! We will get to her eventually.

Moving right along, PISTACHIO’S PARENTS GET CAPTURED! Oh no! People break into their home and take them away and he has no idea who did it. He tries to call the police, but he sounds so ridiculous they assume it is a prank! That is when his grandfather shows up, Grandfather Disguisey (Harold Gould), to help him out. Pistachio didn’t know he existed because his dad kept him away. Grandfather realizes he needs to teach Pistachio to become a Master of Disguise, to save his parents. And no, Grandfather cannot do it for him.

Grandfather has to teach Pistachio the power of Energico, a mysterious force that only the Disguisey’s can access. By repeating some lines and focusing hard, they can truly become another person, learning skills they never knew before, or languages, or just general knowledge. It is the most important part of the disguise.

And sure, Pistachio needs an assistant too. After a long search, they find Jennifer Barker (Jennifer Esposito), Barney’s mom. She needs money and likes the fact that there is health insurance, but doesn’t understand her responsibilities. They reluctantly pick her, despite her small butt.

Turtle’s are only into butts that remind them of their mother.

Guess who kidnapped the parents? Of course, it was Devlin Bowman, out of prison after 22 years or so, and looking just as young and as fly as ever.

He has nefarious designs for them. Well not really. He is forcing Fabbrizio to use his Disguisey powers to help him steal priceless treasure from around the world. And that is about it. You know, the Constitution, Liberty Bell, things like that. In order to get him to comply, he has locked away the wife and given her drugs to make her think she is just constantly preparing dinner. But if he refuses to act, he will have her killed!

At the scene of the kidnapping, Jennifer finds a use cigar belonging to The Turtle Club, a members only rich thing in their city. Of course, Pistachio takes this name literally and tries to be the Turtle-ist person he can be. Turtle-ist de Turtle de Derp. This is the scene you can remember from the trailers. Despite Pistachio’s best efforts, they are still able to get inside. Apparently the cigar is super custom made and belonged to a Devlin Bowman. Thanks Turtle Club!

Well isn’t that special.

The duo decide to look for Bowman at a local antique fair in the city, because everyone knows that Bowman loves antiques. Pistachio dresses up like a sex crazed old lady to seduce Bowman (see above, not actually the Church Lady but close enough), and well, it doesn’t work. However, he does take a liking to Jennifer, and invites her over to a party later at his house.

And hey, that is in the job detail. She has to do it. There at the party, Pistachio is now dressed up like a pseudo-Scarface character who likes to party. Because reasons. He uses this character to distract Bowman, while Jennifer goes into his house and looks for clues.

She doesn’t find much, but what she does find is pictures that will help give the whereabouts of Fabbrizio, somehow. I honestly have no idea how that part works.

Pistachio continues to be very annoying, so Bowman sends his henchmen after Pistachio. He escapes by dressing up like a Jaws parody person on a boat and also as grass, complete with cow shit.

Carvey goes into water. Disguises in the water.

For whatever reason, Jennifer is now trapped at Bowman’s house and needs rescuing. But not in a daring way, just an excuse to leave. None of this makes sense, but Pistachio does two different disguises to get her out, changing after he is let in the lobby and no one seems to care. Despite “Rescuing” her, Bowman sends his goons to follow them.

Later, the pair look at the pictures and figure out all of Bowman’s plan, including where his items are being held! Hooray! They also run into Trent (Mark Devine), her boyfriend, on a date with another woman. Oh no! Pistachio uses his magical Slapping powers to take him down, and he is a big hero, slapping a would be cheater dick guy.

When Pistachio drops Jennifer off at her house, he gets a kiss and he is smitten. Despite that, after leaving, the goons decide to kidnap Jennifer and take her hostage. Why her, not Pistachio? Why did they wait so long? Why did he just not keep her when she was at the house? The world will never know.

Either way, thanks to hologram technology, Pistachio figures out a plan and sneaks into the house as a cherry pie.

Okay okay, I will admit, this part was pretty unexpected.

Pistachio, basically the best thing ever now, is able to defeat Bowman’s Ninja army with ease. But Bowman has one more plan. He has brainwashed Fabbrizio! Now Fabbrizio is wearing a Bowman outfit and thinks he is actually Bowman. So the real Bowman escapes with the U.S. Constitution, while Pistachio has to get his father back into his own mind.

And you know, he does that. Hooray! So the return all the artifacts, Pistachio is a master now, and he marries Jennifer. Man, that was quick.

Oh but Bowman got away. They find him in Coasta Rica, so Pistachio dresses up as George W. Bush to get the document back and Bowman is to be locked away!

And then there are about ten minutes of credits, full of bloopers, and other outfits that didn’t make it into the final showing for whatever reason. And after the credits is a 90 second or two minute scene, where Pistachio finds out that a midget was in the Slap Dummy apparatus the whole time. And he is dressed like Mario! Shenanigans! Also The Cuteness, the dog, was the grandfather the whole time.

Did you catch all of those last minute post credit plot twists?!

The Master of Disguise is rated PG for some mild language and crude humor. Why the low rating? Well, apparently Carvey wanted to make a movie his kids could watch, because everything else he had done was for older kids and adults. And so yeah, he wanted a super family friendly movie. Based on that logic, Carvey seemed to want something full of fart jokes, an extremely simple plot, bad acting, and a waste of time.

First of all, Carvey’s main character accent was terrible. It was consistent, if anything, but the Italian-American accent wasn’t even a great parody, so it is annoying we had to hear that throughout the film. One recurring joke was that Bowman would laugh uncontrollably, because he is so evil, and a fart would ruin it. He had gas, and he had it a lot. The ever recurring fart joke.

Another unfortunate recurring joke involved basically sexual harassment in the work place. Pistachio and the Grandfather constantly talk bad about Jennifer’s butt, asked for her measurements for a make believe uniform, ignore the fact that she has a boyfriend (jerk or not) and assume she will eventually fall for Pistachio. On top of that, the Grandfather basically scowls every time she brings up a question on her pay or dental care, basically stringing this poor single mother along who clearly just wants to provide for her son.

Good family values there.

The humor was incredibly low, most of them revolving around Carvey doing stereotypical impressions. We had a German courier and a British detective out of nowhre, completely minor parts. But the funniest bit was the guy from the final picture, who only appeared in the credits as a deleted scene character. Fuck, he was funny and with a really amusing voice. That not making the final film just made me despise most of the other characters that much more.

Give me fat carnival people who talk like Wally Gator any day of the week. But just don’t give me this movie again.

0 out of 4.

The Love Guru

“No, there is no way…” you might be thinking to yourself. “The website just hit 1500 reviews not that long ago. Why would he still do a big weird review every 50? It’s getting old now, he should just do it every 100. That makes sense.”

Man, you are thinking a lot. But yes, I am indeed doing another Milestone Review. Maybe after I hit 2000 I will switch it up, but frankly I love doing them which is why I am willing to celebrate number 1550.

So, why The Love Guru? Simple. It is just another supposedly awful movie that I have never seen. I need to see the classic bad movies and make sure they are bad damn it. It makes me a stronger human being.

But even more so, it is rumored that this movie killed Mike Myers‘ career. It makes since when you look at his IMDB, after this film he had a small cameo in Inglourious Basterds and then no other feature film roles. Just voice work, mostly Shrek, and some shorts. He must really be devastated by this film.

Also, it is two days before Valentine’s Day, it is fate. Plus I heard it has a lot of celebrity cameos!

Hey everyone, it is former NHL Defenseman Rob Blake!

Guru Pitka (Myers) is the number 2 Hindu love guru in the world! That damn Deepak Chopra is always on top. He is the one everyone loves and gets all the money.

Do you know why? Because Chopra was on Oprah, and Oprah’s reach is vast and powerful.

Pitka was the son of missionaries to India, where Pitka received training from (sigh) Guru Tugginmypudha (Ben Kingsley). Pitka made it clear that the only reason he wanted to be a guru was so that women would love him. Makes sense, honesty is good. Tugginmypudha (sigh again) took this knowledge and put a chasity belt on him, until he could learn that loving himself was more important than being loved by others.

Get it? That’s a masturbation joke!

So how’s a Guru gonna get on Oprah? By helping a big time celebrity do something great!

I’m about to talk hockey. The Toronto Maple Leafs haven’t won the Stanley Cup for a long time. Over 50 years. It is a joke now. But they finally have a great and dynamic player in Darren Roanoke (Romany Falco). He has gotten them to the Stanley Cup Playoffs! But recently his wife, Prudence (Meagan Good) has left him.

She hasn’t just left him to be single. She left him for another man. Another hockey player. Jacques “Lè Cocq” Grande (Justin Timberlake), goaltender for the LA Kings. He is French Canadian and he has a big dick.

That’s funny because black dudes usually have the biggest dicks.

Now Roanoke is heart broken over his love life, but he won’t admit it. He won’t admit to being that love struck. So his play begins to suffer and it has for awhile.

But now it is almost the Stanley Cup Finals! They need him to win!

So the owner, Jane Bullard (Jessica Alba), a fan of Pitka, wants him to come down and save the team. She is also worried about a curse that is attributed to her dad after they bought the team, as they haven’t won since. But that is a side issue.

Thanks to Pitka’s manager, Dick Pants (John Oliver), Oprah is also going to put him on her show if he can help the Maple Leafs win the cup! Hot damn.

I think the real joke is that his entire body looks like one large erect male penis.

Pitka has a plan. He wants to put Roanoke on his DRAMA program. Pitka loves acronyms, most of his presentations feature them.

The D stands for Distraction. He wants to distract Roanoke from his issues first, to see if he will play better. If he isn’t thinking about the lady, maybe he can just naturally kick butt again.

And it works! However, it also leads to him getting a two game suspension. The Maple Leafs lose game 1, and now Roanoke won’t be there for games 2 and 3! Shit, you only need 4 to win.

This lands him in hot water with his coach (Verne Troyer), whom he also physically assaulted during the game to earn the suspension. Not that it matters, because they need him.

Can’t even.

R stands for Regression for some reason, and Pitka hears that Roanoke’s mother (Telma Hopkins) never goes to the games. There must be an issue there, so they visit and well, Roanoke is just afraid of his mom. They have some issues and whenever she comes to the game he gets all nervous and sucks it up.

But that problem is moot. Pitka needs to fix the problem and fast or else he won’t get Oprah! So fuck the rest of the AMA.

So he solves the love problem, not the mom problem, a temporary fix. This allows Roanoke to get his groove back and help win the next 3 games for the Maple Leafs. That means they have come back to force a game 7, and everything is now on the line! Nothing can go bad!

Just like Katrina wasn’t so bad.

Let’s take a break to talk about hockey. Mike Myers is Canadian and he clearly likes the sport. I have seen pictures of him at games! Never Kanye though. So it makes sense for him to want hockey in a movie he has made with his own hands and toes.

But for someone who actually likes the sport, there is so much they got wrong that annoys the crap out of me. And I am taking in the fact that this movie came out in 2008, rules are still rules.

Lot of illegal things happneed during the game with no calls at all. Many penalties ignored, making Hockey seem much more thuggish (which was made apparent when Roanoke was told to not fight, but he said that all hockey players fight).

After he did something bad, the ref kicked him out and said he was suspended for a game. Changed his mind after he did something worse and called it a 2 game suspensions. Refs don’t have the power to suspend, only in Soccer. It was awkward.

They messed up the playoffs for some reason. For hockey, the home team has a 1 home game advantage. They play 2 at home, 2 away, 1 at home, 1 away, and the final one at home if it goes to 7. Instead of 2-2-1-1-1, they did 2-3-2, which is what the NBA does for their finals. They made sure to get the arenas right, except for in game 3 in LA, when they switched back to show people in the Leafs press box or something similar.

Timberlake’s goaltender wears an illegal old mask for some reason. The Maple Leafs coach at one point calls “his last time out” when there is only one time out in hockey. It is technically true, but no one words it that way.

And finally, Rob Fucking Blake, celebrity hockey cameo. He plays defense, and they put him at forward.

Get that cotton candy grin off your fucking face. Hockey is serious business.

Guess what? Roanoke’s mom shows up to game 7, causing a catastrophe. But thanks to Pitka coming back to save the day and a lot of people working together, Roanoke comes back and saves the day. Yay.

And guess what? Pitka learns to love himself! So his chastity belt can come off and he can sex up Jane and they can do fun Hindu things together. I couldn’t figure out how to mention that Manu Narayan was in this movie as Pitka’s assistant. So here you go.

If you expected this song to not end in a Bollywood song and dance number, then you probably don’t even know how to put on pants.

One foot at a time, until all five feet are in.

I also forgot to mention cameos! Stephen Colbert and Jim Gaffigan are the sports announcers. Rob Huebel and Daniel Tosh play tough guys in a country bar, leading to the worst bar fight I’ve seen in a movie. Val Kilmer, Jessica Simpson, and of course Kanye West play themselves. And Mariska Hargitay is in here, which is a joke that I did not get at all.

The Love Guru, as it turns out, is just not good. This could never be a case where it turns out everyone hated it before watching it and judged it by the trailers. Sure, that could have happened. But since in real life land, Myers hasn’t really worked since, it physically has to be a real turd burglar.

The biggest issue is that this movie has one main type of joke that it just runs into the ground. Sex! That is all Pitka really wants, and thus jokes about, and it gets old quickly.

Sure, they throw in some other humor, race, height, whatever, but it all comes out as juvenile. The only scene that actually made me giggle was seeing Myers/West together as fans. Good, they poked fun of the real life situation that was awkward only two years prior. But that is a one off moment and isn’t relevant to the film in any way.

I feel like Pitka lacks a real personality. Austin Powers was amazing, as the films were parodies sure, but Powers had a voice, had a reason, and made sense in the world he created. Pitka was something that felt like a never ending SNL skit with nothing below the surface.

I imagine most people working on this project saw this as the next Austin Powers, a budding franchise that everyone would love. Well, maybe if this one came out in the early 90’s. Because the humor was over a decade late and it just feels never ending.

1 out of 4.

The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence)

Did you know that being a movie reviewer could be quite hard? It is. Sure, you think it is just putting on a movie and watching it. But to be the very best (like no one ever was) you have to watch them all. The good. The bad. The grotesque.

I am happy to say that in a little over 4 years, I am now reviewing my 1500th movie. That is right. A Milestone Review. 23 months ago, almost exactly was when I reviewed my biggest milestone, my 1000th review. That was of course The Human Centipede.

I tell the story of why it took so long, and honestly, the delay for The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence) is similar. I don’t want to watch this. I know I had to someday. Might as well save it for a special occasion. And hey, in 500 more reviews I think you know what we will get for that review.

I tried to make sure the pictures weren’t completely inappropriate. Only one of them kind of is.

Or for some of you, all of these are inappropriate.

In this sequel, The Human Centipede is just a movie. That means the sequel is set “in the real world” instead of the world of fiction. And in the real world, things are much more nasty.

Our star (?) is a man named Martin (Laurence R. Harvey). Martin, as you can imagine, has a lot of problems. He was sexually abused as a kid by his dad, and now his mom (Vivien Bridson) hates him for getting him locked up. He is over weight, sees a shitty psychiatrist (Bill Hutchens), has his own pet centipede, and of course, is obsessed with The Human Centipede.

I think it is in black and white for the censors to allow the movie to exist.

His only responsibility is a security guard job where he sits in a booth and stares at video of people in a parking deck. Yes, the parking deck security guard is the lowest form of security guard, but it is necessary. He also ends up watching the movie over and over. He might get off on it. And you know my might is not even a guess. Some sick shit happens in that booth.

But not as sick as his book, that he is writing. He is watching the movie constantly to learn from it. He wants to make his own human centipede. But not with only 3 shitty people. No. He wants 12.

He is anti-social though. He doesn’t even know 12 people. He needs strangers.

The other issue with Martin is that he is not a trained surgeon. He doesn’t know how to operate on people, to attach them to one another or anything. Well, not in a real science or sanitary way.

He has to use basic tools. Even if he did know how to do it the right way, it would take so much time to make the 11 connections that most likely parts of the centipede would be dead before he could even finish. And that would be sad and awkward. More sad and awkward than the human centipede in general.

I don’t think playing the “what is more awkward” game makes a lot of sense in this movie.

Good news! He is also obsessed with the real life actors who played in the movie! Like Ashlynn Yennie, our starlet who survived the first film. Well, this sneaky guy Martin somehow pretends to also be a casting studio. He offers all three members of the centipede to audition for the new “Tarantino movie”. Unfortunately, Yennie’s agent is the only one to take up the offer and she shows up all happy. But now the “Real life” Yennie gets to be part of a centipede as well.

Some nice layers to this movie. You can tell they had the best writers working on it all.

This is all Martin. CGI free and ready to party.

Who are our lucky victims? Well they are played by Emma Lock, Maddi Black, Kandice Caine, Dominic Borrelli, Lucas Hansen, Lee Nicholas Harris, Dan Burman, Daniel Jude Gennis, and Georgia Goodrick,

Some of these people are dicks. Some are just party chicks. Some were prostitutes and cab drivers. Some are noble family people. But all of them are people who happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time and Martin took the first people he could get his hands on. Even if they had a kid in the back seat.

Martin knows party tricks as well!

I feel like I am stalling. I totally am. Dude hits everyone over the head with a crowbar. All the time. Apparently that knocks them out. This is the most unrealistic part of the movie. There should be a lot more dead people.

Anyways. Martin flips his shit. His mom wants him dead for the reasons listed above. She angers their skinhead neighbors and tells them it was his idea, just so they can rough him up and kick his ass. Eventually he retaliates against her and obvious shit happens. This causes him to finally go through with his plan to put the 12 humans together.

Warning, the next photo is my one “graphic” photo. But the calmest one I could find. I needed one.


Anyways, he puts them together. Some people die before he can attach them, so he doesn’t get to put all 12 together. That is a shame.

He gets to have his centipede though and it gets him super excited. VERY EXCITED. If you graphically understand my meaning. It is very bad for the last person in line, that is for sure. And I will say it was one of the two most disturbing things about this movie.

Unfortunately, it was followed up immediately after by an even more disturbing scene. One that made no sense and literally had me going “WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK” out loud, despite watching it alone.

Needless to say, after these two terrible scenes, people in the centipede start to fight back. One guy in particular breaks his head free from its confines, breaking the centipede in half. This, along with other events and voice mails, makes Martin very upset. He snaps even more than he did before and well, a lot of people then start to die. Mercy killing really at that point.

Yay gross shit. Literally.

You don’t want to know you don’t want to know you don’t want to know.

Normally I try to keep these milestone reviews extra funny and extra spoiler-y. No details needs to be ignored.

I kind of failed on both points with this big one. It is hard to make great jokes when you are so appalled. It is hard to spoil the worst things when you want to scrape them from your brain, not type out descriptions making it more real.

The first film may have tried to make a creepy horror along with a few gross scenes. This one went full on yuckville. It only wanted to make disturbing scenes. Scenes that would ban it from a few countries. Scenes that would make you want to turn it off.

When I watched The Green Inferno, I paused it frequently due to some very graphic scenes because I couldn’t take it. However, this time I never paused the movie. I just needed it to get over with and didn’t want a pause to make the overall experience that much longer.

This film is so nasty though and that is all I can talk about. It really shouldn’t have been made. Yes, it accomplished its goal. But at what cost, film makers? Your director was so preoccupied with whether or not he could, he didn’t stop to think if he should.

Don’t watch this movie. And I have to watch the third one. I don’t know if it is worse, I just know the centipede is longer and it is a prison or something.

0 out of 4.

The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl

Good news everybody! Another 50 reviews down on my website, another Milestone Review ready to announce.

Some people tell me, “Hey, Gorgon Reviews, why do you do a longer ridiculous review to celebrate every 50 reviews? No one gives a shit about 1450 or 1100.” Well, first, that is harsh. And 50 reviews, at 5 a week, means I just did 10 weeks of hard work and I’d like to do something fun.

Sure, once I get to 1500, I could start doing them less often. But there are so many supposedly bad movies from the early 2000’s that I haven’t gotten to watch, and they deserve my attention and love! Which is why I will treasure review 1450 (that is today), just as much as review 1500 (in about ten weeks).

Today I am looking at The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl, a film I knew was ridiculous when I was a kid. Spy Kids was one thing, this one was just sillypants sillypants. But I realized that there is a connection between this film and some of my other Milestone Reviews, and connections are fantastic. That’s right, a member of Twilight is involved in these films, which is all the more reason to watch this movie.

Sharkboy shower
And I will dissect it like the strangest most unethical science experiment.

Max (Cayden Boyd) is our hero, and he is neither shark nor made of lava. No, he is just a boy in middle school or something. He keeps a dream journal. And sometime early into the school year, let’s say first week, he tells his totally true story about summer vacation.

You know, how he met Sharkboy (Taylor Lautner). A boy who was raised by sharks since he was like six, letting him gain gills, fins, claws, crazy teeth and everything. Self proclaimed King of the Ocean. He is friends with Lavagirl (Taylor Dooley), from Planet Drool. She is made of Lava and can shoot lava from her hands.

Anyways, they went back to Planet Drool at some point in the summer and he hasn’t seen them since.


Guess what. His class totally doesn’t believe him. Because he is of course full of rotten cow shit. Mr. Elictricidad (George Lopez) wants him to redo the assignment I think. And this kid named Linus (Jacob Davich). He is a dick and picks on him with other kids and they steal his dream journal.

Don’t worry. One kid believes him, Marissa (Sasha Pieterse), so they are practically dating. She is also Mr. Electricidad’s daughter.

Group shot
But if he bangs the teacher’s daughter, how will he also get with Lavagirl?!

Needless to say, his parents are also sick of his shit. His dad and mom (David Arquette, Kristin Davis) are probably going to get divorced because of his shitty dreams and how much he thinks they are real despite being 11 or something. They ignore his pleas in regards to his dream journal and told him to forget that stuff.

Next day at school, giant electrical storm hits and everything gets scary. No worries. Sharkboy and Lavagirl show up, much to everyone’s surprise. So they take Max on a shark rocketship up to Planet Drool, openly acknowledging that he should know how to get there since he made it all up.

Yes, Sharkboy and Lavagirl know they exist purely in Max’s head, in his day dreaming world, and they aren’t having an existential crisis. Even with this knowledge, Max doesn’t realize that everything that is happening is hogwash.

blast off
Not even magical hogwash, just normal dream based hogwash.

Oh hey, Planet Drool. Things are not as they should be. This is where all of his dreams and goals live, including the unfinished ones. Guess one, there are electrical storms here too!

Oh no! A bad guy, with a TV head named Mr. Electric (very original dreams) is ruining the place! He even has all the other kids on a roller coaster forever, keeping them awake. If they sleep, they can ruin dream world with their own dreams.

So they save the kids and battle Mr. Electric and lose terrible, putting them in the Dream Graveyard. I wish I was making this shit up.

Mr. Electric
“Okay, Mr. Lopez, just say all your lines really close to a camera lens. Trust us.” – Producer

With the help of a never finished robot named Tobor (Also Lopez), they escape there and go to a happy place of milk and cookie dreams. They realize that someone else’s dreams must also be in Planet Drool making things go to shit. Mr. Electric isn’t the only bad guy.

Lavagirl and Sharkboy feel incomplete. They don’t know where their future is going and are missing parts of their past. They need answers! But Max doesn’t remember everything. What a fuckwit. He also apparently has powers of his own, but again, he doesn’t remember it.

However, they eventually convince him to take a nap, in his dream. Sharkboy sings a terrible song. Dream dream dream dream dream, and note that they are clearly already in a dream, and he has to go to sleep in said dream.

He’s got the magic touch, some would say.

Needless to say, his quick nap gives some answers. They also find out who is behind most of the negativity. Some dick named Minus (Yes, it is Linus), who has his dream journal. Bad news for Minus is that they realized that Max is the Day Dreamer officially, so he can imagine things on the spot and they can come true.

Sure, it took Lavagirl and Sharkboy back and forth going to the brink of death for him to realize this shit, but it happened. So eventually Minus realizes he is being a dick and he is cool again.

This does not save the day. Mr. Electric gives no fucks and he says he will destroy Max where he can’t protect himself. So he goes back to Earth.

Of course he did fuck up the entire dream journal first. Whattadick, Linus, Minus, Bo-Binus.

Back on Earth, Mr. Electric intensifies the electrical storm, causing tornadoes and things start to fall apart. Mr. Electricidad is offended by the creation, since it has to have been Max’s dream come to life. But whatever. Deal with it.

Somehow Sharkboy and Lavagirl arrive to help save the day. They also make Max’s parents realize they still love each other and family is important. All in the same disaster!

I forgot to mention that on Planet Drool, there was also an Ice Princess (Marissa) with a Crystal Heart. Their plan was to find the Crystal Heart to freeze time, to allow them enough time to fix the planet. It turned out to not be too necessary. But Max brought it to Earth, so they use it to defeat Mr. Electric instead.

This is where everyone learns that dreams are what you make of them, and you should make them come true.

Shark Posse
If you want to be the lead in an all Shark riverdancing experience, then by golly, make that shit happen!

I have a hard time believing that Robert Rodriguez, director of Planet Terror, From Dusk Till Dawn, and Sin City, thought in any capacity that this movie was decent. Yes, it came out in 2004. Yes, CGI was not as good as it is today. But this is beyond bad. This is like a $10 used bin in Wal-Mart CGI, if that existed.

The main draw to this movie would have been it’s 3D, I guess. But again, 2004 was well before Avatar came out and they changed the way 3D worked in theaters. This was probably shitty red/blue sunglasses 3D, so I am sad that I didn’t get to experience the 3D with my version. It was clear what they wanted to do with the 3D with the cheesy scenes and I am sure it came across just as bad.

Not to over-scrutinize a shitty kids movie but…the plot makes no sense and seems to fall apart the further it tries to play it out. The acting is bad on all fronts, adults and kids alike. Lautner was brought in because as a youth he was really good at martial arts, and all the flipping and jumping was actually him. He still is good at that now, but it was more impressive when he was like ten. Who would have thought that a kid with the shitty rap lullaby video would turn into a weird sex symbol.

If you hate visual messes on the screen, you will also hate this film. The entire dream world landscape was just ugly and bad.

Yeah. I may be harsh on this. But again, Rodrgiuez must know this is terrible, but he did it anyway for the lols. That is the only explanation for this mess of a pointless film.

0 out of 4.

Teen Beach 2

I feel like it was just yesterday when I finally reached the elusive 1050th review for my website. I know, an awkward number to be nostalgic about, especially since it is the milestone after an actual big one of 1000.

But you see, my Milestone Review for 1050 was the movie, Teen Beach Movie, a Disney channel original, which could be or might be the next big thing after High School Musical. Which of course also had its own big review.

Well, apparently TBM (acronym, bitches!) did do well enough to warrant more praise. I mean, I gave it a 2 out of 4, and was surprised I didn’t end up hating it! So sure, why no do another. Although, the second HSM film is the WORST by far. The camera work is terrible, it looks like it was all done second handed and rushed and none of the songs were good. And unfortunately that one was about summer time and swimming. So I am a bit worried for Teen Beach 2, which is my 1400th review (woot woot). I hope the sequel doesn’t drastically reduce the quality of the first, rushing out a movie to get people all sex nuts.

Just give me some good old fashioned satire. Please and thank yous.

Dancing in front of the screen to your favorite movie in sync with the actors is kind of cool.

Last day of summer! Mack (Maia Mitchell) and Brady (Ross Lynch) are enjoying some anniversary of meeting each other. How so? By watching the same damn movie they probably watched a thousand times on the beach before school starts. And hey, it is a song about how it was the best summer. Nice. Convenient.

But it turns out school is hard. Brady is a bit of a slacker that cares mostly about surfing. Mack keeps really busy, lots of clubs and organizations and wants to get into a good college. When they start to hang out with their older friends (Raymond Alexander Cham Jr., Piper Curda), it is clear that they might not have enough time for each other.

Maybe they were just a summer fling!

Brady can’t spend time focusing on this generic college application. He doesn’t even know his full name!

They quickly break up later that day. Brady forgot to meet her for college fair, and so she went with hunky tall asian kid Spencer (Ross Butler, even shares the same first acting name, oh noes!) instead. It takes 24 minutes into the movie post breakup for us to get another song, which is an incredibly long time for a musical. That song, On My Own, starts out good, but then goes extremely poppy real quick, and suddenly Brady is singing it into a microphone in his room. Does he record songs all of the sudden?

While this is going on, in the Wet Side Story world, Lela (Grace Phipps) is turning away from the script. She wants to save the day too and not be a damsel. Somehow this turns into them finding the magical necklace, where Lela and Tanner (Garrett Clayton) decide to run off into the ocean, taking them to the real world, not the movie world!

Everything is wonderful here, outside of the lack of singing. But don’t worry, they can make people sing in dance, because they are movie characters. They sing “Right Where I Want To Be,” not knowing their movie-ness, but just thinking they are in the future. They have other super powers as well. Like, their hair and clothes don’t get wet under the water.

I was legit going to complain about this picture and bad CGI until they made it a plot point. 🙁

Either way, Brady and Mack now have to work together. Totally sucks, since they hate each other now since it is not summer. They each take the same gendered movie character to their homes to help them blend in. Their plan is simple, make the real world seem terrible, and they will leave on their own free will. That way if anything bad starts to happen, like their world disappear, it isn’t such a big deal to fix it.

You know. Showing them things like calculus. And introducing them to their best friends. Those BFFs who totally love the new friends too, quirks and all. Another fun movie power is that they can’t not be in 1960’s clothing. They put on a new outfit, and magic, that shit looks old.

Nothing seems to be working, so instead they make them go to the cafeteria alone to find a place to sit. This cafeteria is apparently 100% outside and full on high school cliche. Instead of dealing with that negativity of goth kids and cheerleaders, they turn their frowns upside down. Like, literally. They sing a song about how wonderful smiling is, to get everyone to smile and sit with new people.

There is a such thing as smiling too hard though.

I feel like I have to talk more about this scene. It ended up being my favorite song, because it was the perfect satire/parody-ish musical song that I wanted and liked about the first. Most of the songs up this point were pretty shit, or failed to make the right points. But this one. This one went full on weird and 1960’s musical.

Just look at the picture below this one. Look at it in wonder and realize that it is totally in this movie, fully embracing the weirdness that is this now franchise. Musicals in the real world would totally be as awkward as this. I need awkward to thrive, and this is what I needed in the movie.

The more you look, the more weird stuff you will notice.

Hey what about movie world? Well they are all bored, not sure how to move the plot forward. They still have biker Butchy (John DeLuca), biker chick CheeChee (Chrissie Fit, now way more famous for being in Pitch Perfect 2), the shimmy girl Giggles (Mollee Gray), and other dude Seacat (Jordan Fisher). Well they also notice that people are starting to disappear and go away, mostly background characters. Still scary. Thankfully they find the necklace to go to the real world too and can get their friends back!

Back in the real world, Lela and Tanner are adapting way too quickly. No longer do they have their movie powers. When Tanner smiles it doesn’t necessarily produce the cool shiny sparkle! Since idea #1 didn’t work, they decide to instead hype up why life in the movies is better. And of course, they now try singing to them, because that is the only way this shit works.

But then it still doesn’t.

It is very impressive for them to have all these sets on a beach ready to go!

Well shit. Now that the friends arrive and tell them that people are disappearing and presumably dying, they think it is a good idea to go back to movie world. They don’t want death on their hands.

But Mack and Brady are still not back together! I know, it is pretty fucked up. So it is a school dance night, and they aren’t dancing together. That is the saddest of all the things. Turns out the movie gang didn’t go back after all. No, they needed to save the relationship. And the best way to do that is to force a song at this strange dance, where they sing about how they just gotta be themselves you know? And they can’t change who they are. A classic musical trope, that features all the boys and girls dancing at each other on their respective halves of the school gymnasium.

So that basically works, but holy fuck, they really gotta get these movie guys back home. So they run to the beach, and literally all the people with speaking lines blow up and fizzle out of reality, leaving just Lena and Tanner from the film. They don’t go into details, but I imagine if they go back, they will be alone and confused. Unless going back magically saves the day and everyone pops back all easy-peasy. There is no real reason to assume that though.

Being your own unique person involves doing mirror like dance sets and singing the same chorus.

Brady and Mack sing a song to get back together. Mack also finds out that Brady has been designing super sweet surf boards on his spare time and he has been afraid to tell her, because Brady is a fuck face. They also realize that if Lela and Tanner pop away, apparently the movie will not exist and they will never meet. Which is awkward. Before Lela goes, she is told by Mack to make her own story and not give into the preconceptions of her movie world. Be her own woman!

They save the day! Yay! Wait what, Brady and Mack don’t know each other. Apparently Wet Side Story still doesn’t exist. Instead it is called Lela, Queen of the Beach. Instead of an awesome Romeo and Juliet musical beach movie it is a movie with even less plot, about Lela being awesome at the beach? Talk about a down grade. Somehow this erases the last few months of history, despite the movie not even mentioning this possibility.

But don’t fret. Brady and Mack now meet for the first time at a screening of this new movie on the beach, at a big party! For whatever reason, everyone knows the movie but Brady. This is some strange flip of the first time they meet, conversations and all. Thankfully, everyone dances and sings along to the movie on the screen, in time with the movie again, letting Brady and Mack fall in love. Or something. Hooray they still end up together, but…differently.

Again, singing and dancing along with the screen is THE coolest.

Obviously, this sequel is worse than the first film. The first film was an average parody of the old fashioned musicals and it was over the top on purpose. This film barely crosses the over the top moments, outside of the song I talked a lot about halfway through the review. I was disappointed with most of the songs. The school dance song could have been better if it didn’t have a generic as fuck chorus about marching to their own beat. It made it terrible. Not even the final closing song was good, because it has a nonsensical chorus for no reason at all.

“Bubble bubble bubble-a, popple popple popple-a
Sparkle sparkle rattly-doo
Fizzle fizzle fizzle-a, whizzle whizzle whizzle-a
Boom-a, boom-a, that’s how we do.” (Repeat x2 each time).

I want to say that song and a few other scenes may be references to Grease, but they do them poorly and just end up looking like shit.

I am also pretty annoyed that the ending doesn’t make any sense. Let alone the danger of them disappearing and somehow just changing their world as they knew it. This isn’t even a time travel movie. This is people going from a movie into the real world and vice versa. They equate their issues as if they were being transported back to the 1960’s, which is not at all how movies should work. Having them suddenly not meet at all earlier in the summer because a movie changed is also terrible, because it came out of no where with no explanation. Related, the fake movie in question always looked bad, but the new movie it became somehow looks far worse.

The only redeeming quality, outside of the awkward smile song, are the biker characters of course, who don’t get as much time to shine. Tanner and Lela have some decent jokes in the real world, but when they become real, those jokes fade.

It is disappointing that they brought in an awesome Asian male to be fawned over, and he ends up with another Asian character at the end, losing some potential sweet romantic diversity.

Teen Beach 2 went for the shitty sequel to make cash quickly route, instead of developing a story as smart (ish) as the original. It practically changed the genre from parody to…just regular not so good original Disney Channel movie. Such a shame. And it will probably develop into a trilogy, maybe with this one also going to theaters?

In conclusion, Ross Lynch is no Zac Efron.

1 out of 4.


1350 may be the least significant number in human history that is divisible by 50. Maybe. But it is my number and that’s why I like it.

Because today is my 1350th movie review, meaning it is time for another Milestone Review! I have now switched to the format of “Well known bad/awkward movies” from the past 10-15 years. And hey, maybe they aren’t actually that bad! Maybe they weren’t given a fair shake.

Maybe. And this is double exciting, because it is Yay Women Week, so I am able to showcase something like, Catwoman, and have it fit a theme and be a milestone at the same time. Literally the best.

But also, I am doing this because of regrets. This should have been my last Milestone Review. I ended up reviewing Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow last time, on a week full of movies that only had 1 word titles, all beginning with C. Jeez. I dropped the ball on that one.

“If I was a cat, I would never drop a ball ever again…”

The movie begins with our “hero”, Patience Phillips (Halle Berry) dying and drowning. This is alledgedly also the day she finally started to live. You know, one of those movies that spoils some shit.

So instead leads go back to before and man, Patience really really sucks. She is a graphic artist for a make up firm. Really good it, but a beta bitch so she doesn’t try for much. She has a friend, Sally (Alex Borstein), and I am honestly already done talking about her.

She is a Meek little woman. For instance, she will mumble at people across the big ally to turn off their music. Mumble at them to stop and then get all sad when they don’t.

She works for some place called Hedare Beauty (yawn), and they are going to release some new skin cream, Beau-Line (bigger yawn), which can reverse the effects of aging. Allegedly. That’s right. This movie is about fucking skin cream.

AND CATS TOO. Jeez. We will get there guys. Calm down.

Needless to say, there is something weird with this skin cream. Apparently if someone stops using it, they will start to eventually develop huge rashes on their face. Clearly the solution is to never ever stop using this skin cream. Problem solved. Dr. Ivan Slavicky (Peter Wingfield) wants to pull the plug on it, BUT NO. THE HIGHER UPS NEED IT TO HAPPEN.

Somehow, Patience gets lost trying to turn in a presentation update and finds herself in the factory with the scientist and overhears the negative effects of it. Great, now they have to kill her. Not really seeing her, they rush to kill her anyways. She escapes down some big tubes, which they “flush” out. And of course this involves filling them completely with water and going over a cliff HUNDREDS of feet into the air into the ocean. If anything, this company should be brought to justice for their clear inability to not pollute the ocean at extreme levels.

Either way, she washes up onto the shore and the cats start surrounding her and meowing at her with extreme prejudice. And you know. she comes back to life.

Extreme. Prejudice.

You may be wondering why the cats did this. Well, it turns out they tested her earlier on in the movie, and it took twenty minutes to get to this scene. But I wanted to hurry and get there. The cat in the picture, went to her apartment and went on a dangerous part of railing. For whatever reason, Patience went out to try and save her. In reality, it looked like she just wanted to jump. Which is how she met the cop, Tom Lone (Benjamin Bratt), who a character I won’t talk about anymore calls a “Man Sandwich”. saves her instead. Aw, true love maybe.

But also, we all should realize there is no way that man should be considered the most attractive man ever.

Either way, back to the cats. They gave her cat powers. You know, a love of milk and fish. Jewels and shiny thigns. Apparently the ability to climb really well and some dexterity. Magical cat shit.

She even follows one and finds out they belong to our resident crazy cat lady (Frances Conroy). They thought she was worthy of their cat powers, and have been doing it for thousands of years. So hey, she can be the next Catwoman. Or something.

The cats also convince her to cut her hair and be more daring!

Either way, Patience loses her job for reasons, so starts doing whatever she wants. That is apparently stealing jewels and stealing hearts. You know, she goes into a jewelry store to steal stuff, all cat like in her new leather outfit, and OTHER CRIMINALS ARE ALREADY STEALING. She is all “What a PURRRRRFect idea!” because she hates the viewers of this movie.

She also wants to get her dating on. You know, with the cop. So they do fun date things, like volunteering at youth areas. And the kids might demand things of them, like watching them play one on one.


Did you watch? You better have. Only two minutes. It is probably the worst scene of the movie, which is full of these. They basically have awkward feel up moments on there. And the scene is full of bad music and quick cuts, but the music only gets worse and the cuts get even quicker the rest of the movie.

Hell, now she has confidence to break up the party across her ally! And she is wearing leather, well, even LESS leather than before. And motorcycles!

Sickest basketball moves I have ever seen.

Now that Patience has found out that less is more with her outfit, she goes night clubbing to find the first guy who tried to kill her in the factory to get some revenge. And she discovers a whip, and she is good at using the whip to beat his butt! Hooray!

But let’s get back to romance. They go to the carnival. And hey, the ferris wheel starts to break while they are on it. Good thing hunky cop can climb down to try and stop things, and Patience can sneak down and save a kid with her cat-abilities.

Their romance works out fantastically. So that is good news.

But hey back to the other plot. Evil corporation owner George Hedare (Lambert Wilson) and his wife, Laurel (Sharon Stone) are having marriage problems. She used to be the face of the line but she is getting old, so there are new younger girls. And he is probably cheating. Catwoman thinks she can trust Laurel because she is mad and has helped her get details on the bad people. Turns out, Laurel was just framing Catwoman. How so? Well, Laurel decided to kill her husband because she wants to own the company, wants to get rich and get back at him and also, fuck Catwoman. Amirite?

Oh yeah, not only does the framing pretty much work for putting a bad spin on Catwoman, but her cop man figures out the connections so Patience totally goes to jail.

I am sure at some point she is breaking some public indecency laws tto.

Needless to say, everything is about to hit the fan. She is jailed, the company is about to release bad skin cream, and she is in jail. Somehow she is able to convince the cops to let her go and investigate the company. Well, that is good news.

So Catwoman goes back to the factory, wanting to find evidence to shut it down before silly women everywhere get rashes on their face, or worse. You know, they actually get the benefits of the product and Laurel gets filthy rich on them. Before I talk about the ending, let’s look at another Catwoman pose.

The pose makes it so she can pounce, bite, and bat at yarn.

Guess what, it turns out Laurel has been using the project almost forever. Well, longer than any test subject. So her skin has actually kept the youth but also is as hard as marble. Yeah. Bet you didn’t see that one coming. Now Laurel and Catwoman can fight without it just being an awkward gun fest. No, the cop can handle the gun fest. Instead we get our Catwoman scratching and clawing Laurel and not really leaving a mark. Because you know, Marble.

Seriously. The main villain gets to just be a rich woman who has hard skin and is kind of mean.

Guess who dies during the fight? Yeah, of course, Laurel. She gets a bit scratched up, and almost falls to her death, but Catwoman tries to grab her hand and save her. Too bad Laurel sees the scratch marks in a reflection, is so disgusted by her outer looks, that she shrieks and falls to death. Not a normal fall, but into a neon light thing, allowing her to fry up after the fall as well.

So Catwoman gets cleared of all charges and decides to become a good guy super hero! Just kidding, fuck the cops, she just wants to do what she wants to do. So yah. End of movie. Catwoman will now no longer roam the streets until she appears in The Dark Knight Rises, completely unconnected to this movie.

In case you missed it, the film ends with a cat fight.

This review gave this film way more courtesy to the plot than the actual screen writers must have done. It took only four minutes or so into the movie before I had already hated it, and I still had 100 minutes to go. Things were not looking great.

I couldn’t even get through the basketball scene without pausing and taking a nice break. Even if it is the worse scene, the other scenes were not much better. The last time I have seen that many quick and headache annoying cuts, it was thanks to the film Getaway (which honestly might have been worse in that department, but I don’t want to throw up again just to find out if it is true). The puns weren’t even enjoyable puns.

The ending was atrocious (Word of the day, sorry), and of course the CGI was bad. The movie came out in 2004. Almost nothing good came out in 2004 in terms of CGI. Outside of Harry Potter 3. Spider-Man 2. The Incredibles. Oh okay, no, it was just bad shit thanks to whoever made this movie.

This film single-handedly ruined Halle Berry’s future. She had the occasional spark after it, but nothing that would get her into any award territory. Let that be a lesson for everyone. Catwoman is terrible, and can kill your job.

0 out of 4.