Gorgon Reviews

When I first heard about The Perks Of Being A Wallflower, I just assumed it was some indie high school coming of age comedy, that would appeal only to hipsters and hippies. Technically my assumption was not wrong. I was wrong to use the word only, because after seeing this movie, I can see how this movie would appeal to everyone.

There are many factors that can be attributed to the broad appeal, including this broad.

Set in the 1990s, Perks is the story of a boy named Charlie (Logan Lerman) who is the youngest child in his family and about to start his first day of high school. His older brother is now off to college, and his older sister (Nina Dobrev) wants nothing to do with him at school. She is also busy going through a vegetarian phase with a pacifist boyfriend (Nicholas Braun).

Charlie’s one chance of fitting in rested on the shoulders of the school quarterback (Johnny Simmons) who used to be good friends with his older brother, but still, no dice. Heck, it looks like his only friend will be Mr. Anderson (Paul Rudd), his freshman English teacher.

But then something wonderful happens. He meets strange people. Namely an eccentric senior Patrick (Ezra Miller) who is willing to talk to him, and his step sister Sam (Emma Watson) who begin to introduce him to a world based on non-pop music, and unconventional fun. However, the closer he gets to his older friends, the more they get to learn about how troubled his past actually is and how deep his madness goes.

Sorry, I made that sound like a horror film. This also features Mae Whitman as one of his new group of friends, and Melanie Lynskey as his influential aunt.

How to be awesome at parties. Find couch, sit, and wait.

The first thing I noticed about this movie is that I knew practically everyone in it. In fact, I’d say some of my favorite young actors have rolls in this movie. Everyone know who Emma Watson is and her famous franchise. I’d say Logan Lerman is pretty well known, as both Percy Jackson, 3:10 to Yuma, and Three Musketeers. But Ezra Miller? Well he was Kevin in We Need to Talk About Kevin, a very upsetting movie and novel. Nicholas Braun has been in Sky High and Red State. If they would have just thrown in a Michael Angarano I might have died from good young actor overload.

But you don’t care about past performances, you care about right now. Well their acting in this movie is definitely top notch. I was surprised at how drawn into the story I became, wanting to know the personal histories of every fictional character. The movie was very relatable, but don’t worry, the events in the film never happened with me. The feelings of longing, love, and loneliness are universal emotions that everyone can say they had their share of in high school.

While watching this movie I can personally attest to crying at least four times in the theater. It draws you in and doesn’t let you go for the entire 102 minute run time. There were probably eighteen people in the theater when I saw it, yet when the credits hit only three were able to get up right away and leave. I’d like to assume the rest of us were just trying to compose ourselves before going back out in public. It wasn’t an entirely sad movie though; half of the tears probably occurred thanks to scenes being overly beautiful.

I felt so strongly about this movie that this is the first time I actually want to read the book that the movie is based on. If you like this movie, I would also recommend It’s Kind of A Funny Story, also dealing with high school depression, but in a much lighter tone.

What is a Heckler?

Someone who is a dick at a live event basically. A person who disrupts the show, calling out over the performer. Whether it be positive or negative, a heckler it be, yet generally it is negative.

People hate Hecklers, but man, some of the best comedy from stand up comedians come from attacking Hecklers.

But they don’t like it. That is what the movie Heckler is trying to say.

And 80 minutes of this guy.

Made by Jamie Kennedy, Heckler wants people to know that Hecklers suck and they are literally Hitlers. You will see ton of comedians bashing hecklers and giving nice reasons why.

But I lied when I said it was 80 minutes on the subject. I will still overestimate the time that topic got, and give it about 40. The last half? Well, it is more a general attack on mean people everywhere. By mean people everywhere, Jamie Kennedy of course is referring to critics/bloggers.

Oh shit! I am one of them!

Jamie Kennedy believes that Hecklers and Movie Critics are basically the same thing, maybe with the latter being worse. He actually goes around to people who reviewed his movie, Son of the Mask, badly. He does raise a valid point when he tries to figure out from them why they felt the need to attack his actual person in the review, which no one has a good answer for. But at that point it is uncomfortable.

I am not saying I disagree with what is said. Movie reviews should stick to the movie. It is fine to actually critique things, hell even make fun of things for a laugh. But you know, don’t then say the person is a giant dildo. Or whatever.

But Jamie Kennedy does it in the most dildo way possible, I don’t even care. It’s not the viewer’s fault that so many people disliked Son of the Mask. It’s just the normal reaction to a pisspoor movie.

Good news everyone. There are only 13 tagged actors for this movie, and one of them is actually a woman. Crazy, right? Obviously, The Expendables 2 is a sequel to The Expendables, which I forever have disliked because it came out the same day as Scott Pilgrim.

Insert dead horse joke.

The crew is basically the same before. Lead by Stallone, second in command Statham, but also still with Couture, Lundgren, Crews, and Li. Too bad Jet Li leaves in the beginning of the movie, to come back later. Yes, he is pointless.

But they do have a young guy, Bill the Kid (Liam Hemsworth) who is former military sniper, and good at what he does.

Bruce Willis is mad because of events from the first film, but he is willing to forgive the team, if they go and retrieve some data from a downed plane far away. Easy enough. He is making them bring along a woman too, Maggie (Nan Yu) who definitely won’t be there as a romantic interest either.

But turns out the simple mission isn’t very simple. Shit hits the fan, and people might die. A different military group, lead by Vilain(Jean-Claude Van Damme…and yes Vilain? What?) and his lackey Hector (Scott Adkins) decides to steal the package and get away pretty cleanly. But what they stole, for their secretive reason, can actually put an end to the world as we know it.

The Expendables crew will have navigate unfamiliar territory, versus basically an army, and a pretty short clock to do it in. For those disappointed with Bruce and Arnold from the last movie, don’t worry, they do more shit. But also, Chuck Norris, because the internet loves him. Before you ask, basically, Chuck Norris was a walking Chuck Norris joke in is 2ish scenes he was in.

The triumvirate of power, right in front of your eyes folks.

I think it is acceptable enough to compare this to the first one right? Well I thought the first one was boring. It had a lot of action, but I don’t think I really understood everything going on, in between explosions and fisticuffs.

The second one? Well, I understood the plot! There is that. I also found the action scenes to be a bit better overall. I would say the first scene of the movie, a compound break in was a bit confusing due to the vehicles. The airport scene was a bit over the top, because it made no sense to have a basic flood of enemies continuously appear for them to mow down from all angles.

Interesting action movie? That is a rarity in my case. When the death happened, I actually felt upset. The final fight scene that you know exists between JCVD and Stallone was pretty epic.

But at the same time, a lot of features ended up annoying me. Having Jet Li in for one scene felt like a waste. Couture, Crews, and Lundren were all underused as well. The girl love story was a nice pointless addition, that felt forced. And basically anything involving planes, really.

So I am sure they are planning another one, which I will watch, but won’t really need to see the previous ones again.

I will admit, I tried to watch Winter’s Bone before and found myself lost have thirty minutes. But that is only because I was multi tasking it up, and didn’t really pay attention to it. Bad movie reviewer, bad! Which is why I stopped watching it.

And then, you know, kept putting it off. But hey, look, I did it. Get off my back, world.

“And after this, I will teach you how to use a bow and arrow. It could save your life!”

Yay meth! Meth, the best drug ever. Developed all across America, either in giant underground factories, or in small mountain towns where the law has no reach. Well, this ain’t Breaking Bad, so you can figure out where this takes place.

Ree (Jennifer Lawrence) is a 17yr old girl, with two younger siblings, and a mother who just ain’t there in the head. She has a daddy too, but he hasn’t been seen in a few weeks. He was arrested for cooking Meth, released on a bond, but now he has gone up and maybe R-U-N-N-O-F-T.

But that can’t be! Their family ain’t no cowards. Something else must up. But time is a runnin’ out. If he doesn’t show up for his court date, they will lose the bond, and apparently the house. Shit, they are already poor enough.

So she sets off on a mini-journey investigating the whereabouts of he pa, including her meth addicted uncle Teardrop (John Hawkes), up to the local crime boss and his army of women soldiers (Sheryl Lee).

“No, don’t volunteer yourself to go to the games for your younger siblings! Don’t do it!”

Winter’s Bone is definitely a lot better if you actually paying attention to what is going on. The thing you should probably realize is that this movie is a lot slower than other modern movies, so ADD people, stay away.

As Ree began to unravel her father’s disappearance, things got more and more weird. Unfortunately, not weird enough for my jaded self. Once she actually discovers the truth about her dad, and where he is, and how to get him back home? That part is a bit fucked up.

I also thought the acting was really well done. I just don’t think enough happened in the story for me. Part of the ending seemed like a bit of a cop out for me as well, problems got solved in a…rather easy way for my liking.

It was a pretty fine movie, just not my favorite. One I probably don’t have to see again anytime soon either.

Generally I am able to separate the real world from the movie world. I know that I won’t get sucked into a video game, and that I won’t be chased by a serial killer (because hey, why would anyone want to kill me?). But then we have certain movies that say, “I’m gonna to take something you love and make it scary for you, so that you can always think about the fear every time you do that task!” I like to call those movies “jerkfaces”, and that is what Sinister did to me in regards to watching movies. It is probably the same exact thing The Ring dids, but I wouldn’t know because I value my sanity.
Fucking Sinister.

Presumably this is the same thing that happened after The Ring, but fuck if I’m ever gonna watch that.

Our story begins quite creepily with four members of a family being hung from a tree on a very old looking roll of film. Well, now that the mood is set, we introduce the actual new family, moving into a new house with a very familiar looking tree. Great! Ellison Oswalt (Ethan Hawke) is a famous-ish author, who got his big break when he began to write true crime style novels. His book, Kentucky Blood, based on a real murder and his own research actually helped bring a criminal to justice and got him mega bucks!

But he just hasn’t lived up to his former glory since then. His books haven’t been as good and local cops now hate him. But this time, this time he has it! Hell, he actually picked the murder house to live in instead of just being in the same town! The family was murdered (by hanging) and the youngest daughter is now missing. He could be a hero!

After this book he has promised to quit because his wife (Juliet Rylance) is tired of it and his kids (Michal Hall D’Addario, Clare Foley) are tired of moving. Not to mention their son now has night terrors. What a creepy kid.

But when Ellison finds a box in their attic entitled “Home Movies” with reels from the 1960s to 2011, his curiosity gets the best of him and gives them a watch. Each tape begins the same way, a nice family scene, spliced with the murder of said family.  They also all feature the youngest child missing in the murder scenes, hmm.  These series of murders take place all around the country, and with the help of Deputy So-and-So (James Ransone) he might be able to find a connection between them all, and save the day! Or you know, die himself. It is really 50/50 at this point.

Oh yeah, also this shit happening. Fuuuuuck.

This story also is about an ancient pagan demon who steals the souls of children. He also lives in any pictures of himself, including movies, and can move between them and out of them. Great! Movies are now forever ruined for me!

The movies drops enough clues for you to understand everything that is going on, so you should be able to figure it out halfway through. But don’t worry, if you still didn’t get it by the end, it is fully explained to you. Based on the ending, it also looks like this film is a “one-and-done” series. That should excite a lot of you, because it means we won’t soon get flooded with ten sequels to a new original horror movie!

Most of the film is Ethan Hawke walking around his house at night, with so little light, and it is absolutely terrifying. I wish he would have turned on a light more often, but when you are drunk you make poor decisions. I personally felt paralyzed when I watched the screen, afraid that if I moved I might be the next to go. I am disappointed that it did resort on more than one occasion to the sudden pop up scares, most notably at the end of the movie. It could have ended on a classy note, but instead went for one last “boo!”

The best part to me is that this horror movie actually has a plot that is believable enough in the world it created. That means it might actually make you think while you shriek. I’d definitely call Sinister my favorite new horror movie this month, and the one you should watch on Halloween night.

It turns out that Silent Hill and Silent Hill: Revelation are actually connected movies! Shocking I know. But for some reason I just figured they’d be two different stories both set in the same town, based on different games in the series. After all, it has only been a six year difference between the movies.

But nope, Sean Bean plays the same character in both movies, so I had to rush watch the first one to make sure I understood all the complicated plot developments this movie would surely have.

Well, at least this also has snow. Wait no. Ash. Yep, that’s ash.

Well don’t worry, seeing the first film is not necessary. The dad (Bean) and daughter Heather/Shannon (Adelaide Clemens) are moving all across America because the cult in Silent Hill, West Virginia is after her. She doesn’t remember any of the events from the first film, when she was in the town with her mother (Radha Mitchell), and didn’t know that her mom was still trapped inside its city limits.

But when they move to a new town, with new identities, she continues to receive strange dreams that feel extremely real, telling her that she is never to return to Silent Hill.

So when her dad gets kidnapped to protect her location, she does what anyone would do in that situation, and returns to Silent Hill. Thankfully she has the help of Vincent (Kit Harrington) who also happened to be a new kid in school, and for whatever reason doesn’t find any of this weird.

The cult wants to kill her, because they believe she is the innocent part of a demon child Alyssa that is terrorizing their town…that they also created. They are hoping to kill the demon, in order to birth a new demon, who can uh…kill the world? I am not even sure. But Carrie-Anne Moss is in charge of it all, and Malcolm McDowell plays a blind crazy uncle.

This is also how I like my womenz.

I don’t go to 3D movies a lot, right now my count is at six, but I am trying to give them more chances. “Silent Hill: Revelation” is by far has the worst 3D I have ever seen, and I also watched Katy Perry: Part Of Me in 3D. Its 3D consisted entirely of things coming out at you and roughly zero of everything else. It was made purely for a scare factor, but even did poorly at that aspect.

I don’t think you need to see the first “Silent Hill” film to see this one, because they try to explain everything you need in the second movie. However, the plot made absolutely no sense to me, despite seeing both films. I can’t tell the point of the cult, nor could I fully grasp why the town went to hell in the first place.

Most would say that the movie isn’t about plot, but cool visual effects. Well, its visual effects are bad (and they should feel bad), so then the movie just might be about being scared! But even I didn’t find it scary, just predictable and weird. The first film most would agree was a bit dull, trying (and failing) to recreate the alone feelings felt from the game. I think it is obvious that for this film they tried to amp everything up, yet still it just didn’t feel quite right. A bit disappointing that this is the only horror movie to be released on Halloween week. If you are looking for some good scares, I’d recommend basically anything else but this.

It has been a few years since we have had a stop motion scary movie, the last of which was three years ago in Coraline. But this year we have two! ParaNorman, made by some relatively unheard of directors, and Frankenweenie, a remake of a 1984 short film by Tim Burton, king of the slightly creepy.

Yep, ParaNorman is the underdog in this fight but hey, it is at least in color!

All white people, but color nonetheless.

Norman (Kodi Smit-McPhee) can see dead people. Ghosts at least, who are stuck on earth because their time and tasks have not been completed and cannot move on. So you’d think Norman would go around helping all the ghosts move on, but instead he just befriends them and acts like its not his problem. That isn’t the movie plot, they never even bring up Norman helping the ghosts, he is just a dick kid who never thinks to help out his ghost friends. Just an observation!

He doesn’t keep the ghosts a secret either, so everyone thinks he is a freak. His parents don’t know what to do (Jeff Garlin, Leslie Mann) and his sister (Anna Kendrick) thinks he is a loser. Outside of the ghosts, so far just a normal sounding life. His only friend is a guy named Neil (Tucker Albrizzi), who has no friends because he is fat. True story.

In this town, their claim to fame is that they once burned a witch. But before the witch was burnt, she hexxed her seven accusers into a zombie fate once they die, meaning that  she is actually a witch and really they did nothing wrong. You can’t just let witches free and running amuck! Years later, the curse still has not occurred because of people like crazy uncle Penderghast (John Goodman) who delay the curse. But once he kicks the bucket, it is up to Norman to make sure the zombies don’t rise up and take over, with the help of Neil, Neil’s older brother (Casey Affleck), his sister, and the local bully (Christopher Mintz-Plasse).

SO MANY ZOMBIES. SEVEN OF THEM. AHH.

Personally, I found the movie to be a bit boring. It is hard to classify just what kind of movie this was, and for who it was meant to be enjoyed by. Most of the good jokes were given away in the trailer and I didn’t understand how this town even felt threatened. I mean, seven zombies? That is a very specific finite number of zombies, in the modern age, a town should be able to handle them. There is a scene where the towns people try to destroy them and end up killing exactly zero. Despite multiple guns, they actually just end up beating them up with umbrellas and clubs and let them get away. Well then.

I could talk a lot about the actual movie, but this one has controversy which is more exciting.

Controversy? In a kids movie? Yes! At the end of the movie, one of the main characters turns out to be gay. It was just meant to be a minor joke, but it has caused a lot of parents to freak out. I won’t get into how ridiculous this controversy even is, leaving that up to you.

Overall, I can’t see why this film has received such high praise. I just felt the stop motion wasn’t the best and that most of the jokes fell flat. Feel free to see it as soon as you can and prove me wrong or tell me what I missed, because I am willing to listen. I do understand that the moral of the film wasn’t just destroy the witch/zombies, but that wasn’t enough for me to care.

I am surprised at how little Lawless was talked about when it first hit theaters. They didn’t really give away any of the plot, but made it seem like a ganster/western movie of some sort, with some bad ass actors.

And you know, uhh, Shia LaBeouf.

Damn it Shia, what did I tell you about showing up in my movies?

Franklin County, Virgina, early 1900s, prohibition is a bitch. But thankfully this is the wettest county in the world and basically everyone is growing Moonshine, so much that even some gangsters from Chicago are getting their hands wet out here.

The Bondourant brothers are immortal, through legend and talk from their brother Forrest (Tom Hardy). He survived a flu that killed most people who got it, and his other brother Howard (Jason Clarke) was the only surviving member of his platoon in WW1. The youngest brother, Jack (LaBeouf) is the runt of the group and wants to join in on all of the activities but, you know, he is small.

He has big dreams though, and even worships the great gangster Floyd Banner (Gary Oldman), and is hoping to start his own moonshine batch with his weird friend Cricket (Dane DeHaan) who is at least good with tinkering.

Things are going great! That is until some DA Charlie Rakes (Guy Pearce) is brought in, from Chicago, to clean up this moonshine business in the area, even though the local cops don’t care. His style and aura is definitely not welcome, you know, because he wants to arrest them and maybe kill them.

Kill them? Yeah, life is brutal in this time period. People die, lots of people, and it is fucking gruesome. Most people would fear for their lives, you know, if they weren’t immortal (and missing a lot of their brain cells). All while this is going on, Jack is working on seducing a local Amish like chick (Mia Wasikowska) and a former dancer from Chicago is here to work at their restaurant (Jessica Chastain).

Basically a nice quiet life. But with lots of guns and violence.

Despite my best attempts to make the movie seem lame, it was a blast to see. Hardy and Clarke as the older brothers were both unique and brought a lot to their characters, especially Hardy. His low witted self always made me either chuckle or grimace based on what he was doing (or had done to him).

Gary Oldman is barely in this movie, but Guy Pearce definitely plays his own extremely unique character, so much that I couldn’t even remember what Guy Pearce actually looked and sounded like.

But Shia? Well he did a fine job too. Didn’t ruin the movie like I thought he would, but I am disappointed that he was the main character and not Forrest.

I think the movie could have been a bit shorter than what happened though, or even better, just less “down” scenes. The church scene was really odd, and I do’t know why they never really explained what the heck was going on there. There won’t be any sequels to the movie, as the entire story is told, which is a shame. I’d almost want to see more of Forrest and Howard when they were younger and just getting started.

Can’t stop, won’t stop. That is how I live my life. Every walk a strut. So why not a movie called Won’t Back Down? That shit appeals to me. Only time I will back down is when the ref tells me too cause I am too awesome in a fight. Alright that’s a lie. I wouldn’t back down then either.

Determination to finally get off the couch and you know, sit on a couch.

Jamie Fitzpatrick (Maggie Gyllenhaal) is not your ordinary mother. You know that, because she says so multiple times. Her daughter (Emily Alyn Lind) has dyslexia and now because they are so poor, she can not keep her in the private school even with aid and has to go public. Public schools give no fucks, because this is another random one that has a tenure policy. So they get that and well, do nothing else and barely try to teach. Leaving the daughter to be dyslexic and unable to read.

But she wants to change that. First by bugging everyone but no dice. But when she hears about a parent/teacher takeover for a school, that lets them get rid of unionization if half of the parents and teachers are for it, and develop new rules and principals and teaching methods, she gets all excited. But why would teachers give up their safety net? Well, because some of them care I guess. Nona Alberts (Viola Davis) feels bad about her son (and divorce with her husband, Lance Reddick) and just goes a long with it. Jamie even seduces a teacher who still cares to join their cause (Oscar Isaac) even though he likes unions and doesn’t like being put in that spot.

So despite the fact that they even say most schools that go through this begin to fail again after six months, will they somehow pull off the whole process and fix everything in two whole months?

Spoilers.

But wait. Does the movie end after they successfully win their resolution? Yes. But it only shows the school a few months after summer break and its fine. Not years later. Most start to fail after six months. They didn’t even show past that threshold!

But they showed a whole lot more. Two hours of movie at that. First off, time was confusing. I was sure they were setting it in early 2000s, but had all these Penguin/Steeler references after 2008. It said inspired by true events, which is another bullshit term. Schools have gotten better through this is all. It is super one sided and makes fixing a school seem easy as crap.

But more importantly, it is based on a fucking incorrect Gandhi quote. He never said be the change you want to see in the world. Stop it people. Stop giving that to Gandhi. It is a lie! Every time a movie uses it, kittens die. That is all I am saying.

I wish I just watched Lean on Me again, would have been better use of my night!

Entirely my fault, but as soon as I started to watch this movie, I was immediately disappointed.

I saw L!fe Happens in the RedBox, and was like, “HOLY SHIT THE GOOCH IS STARRING IN A MOVIE GO GO GO GO GOGOGOGOGOGOGO!”

Well it’s not The Gooch. It is just Krysten Ritter, who always reminds me of The Gooch. Except for when I started to watch Don’t Trust the Bitch in Apartment 23. I started that show because I thought it was Christina Ricci.

Basically, I have no idea who this fucking woman is.

The story begins with Deena (Kate Bosworth) and Kim (Ritter) really wanting to have sex. They are roomies, you see, and actually both brought a guy home! But they can’t find any damn condoms. Well, one, and Deena claims it. A year later, Kim has a child. Max, aww.

They also have a third roommate, Laura (Rachel Bilson) but she is a virgin and that’s all she brings to the table in the movie. I guess as a sort of opposite to the main two?

Anyways, the baby daddy (Rhys Coiro) doesn’t want to be a dad, so she is basically on her own. She pushes her baby on other people, like her dad, and roommates, because she still feels the need to party and feels like she deserves it. She also ends up falling for some Nicholas dude (Geoff Stults) and tells him the baby belongs to her roommate. That’s a good start to a relationship.

So now she is all lying it up, and constantly trying to make her friends help her out. They don’t like that, or the lies. Hey, Jason Biggs and Justin Kirk are also in this. Hooray~.

Um. Uhhh. Just hanging out ladies? That’s cool. Stop staring at me.

Turns out there is not much to say about this film. It was just terrible. Characters aren’t really likable, story is boring, there aren’t really any funny moments. It literally has nothing going on for it. So little that I can’t even make a good joke about it.

I mean. Fuck. Why would you do this to me, movie people? Such a boring lame movie? I trusted you, and you just poked me in the eye. Twice. The same eye. I mean, it is nice of them to not do one poke per eye, or else I’d be blind, but the second poke on an already poked eye is basically pointless.

Nevermind, if an eye poke was pointless, it probably wouldn’t actually be a poke, would it?