Tag: Christopher Walken

Percy vs. Goliath

Percy vs. Goliath came out some time ago, and it is only called this title in America. In Canada, where the film takes place, and other parts of the world, it is just called Percy.

I don’t pretend to know anything about market research, but I guess that vs. Goliath tagline is to appeal to those fundamental Christians to get them to watch this movie. They might think Percy, in America, is like Percy Jackson, and those people are heretics!

Yep, that is the only reason I can come up with for why there needs to be a different movie title. 

Walken Hard: The Christopher Walken Cowboy Story. 

Percy Schmeiser (Christopher Walken) surely does sound like a made up name, but this one is a true story. Set in Canada! So you know it is true in spirit and true in heart.

Ahem. Percy is a farmer. He is really old. He has been farming for a long time, with his wife (Roberta Maxwell), and he thinks he does a good job. He has used his own seeds the whole time, never going into that corporate stuff that claim to have better growing seeds for a price. And he does what every farmer does. He saves his strongest and best crops to harvest those seeds so that he can plant them the next year, so his crops can be as strong as possible.

However, things aren’t as they seem. A company who makes GMO seeds claims he has been using their seeds illegally for years for profit, without paying them ever, so they are bringing the lawsuits. And they have proof. Proof on the DNA level, where their patents on their modified strains show up in his crops.

Percy has never bought from them, and the likely story is that they were planted in his farm thanks to the wind from neighbor farms in the past. But is that enough for them to claim royalties, when he is using a product through no fault of his own? Looks like he is going to have to take this battle to court, even though the corporations have money and technically the law on their side. And now Percy is like a folk hero for all of these individual farmers, trying to stand up to the corporate man. That’s a lot of pressure.

Also starring Adam Beach, Christina Ricci, Luke Kirby, Martin Donovan, and Zach Braff.

Braff, if you lose this case, you will feel really, really, really, sorry

Walken hasn’t had a good acting job since he was in the music video for Weapon of Choice, by Fatboy Slim. That is a fact. He is in movies I like over the last two decades, but he is often one of the worst parts. Like Hairspray, I like it, but by far Walken drags it down. He drags them all down, and some of these films he seems to be playing just a strange parody of himself with his word choice. I blame the cowbells skit. 

And for this movie? Well, it is more of the same. I can’t possibly say it is well acted, because Walken seems lost the whole film. He is playing a man over his head, sure, but it doesn’t help if he is seemingly acting like his normal self the whole time as well. That isn’t acting. That is just reading lines. 

This film is weak on a lot of fronts. The acting is a big one. The plot is another. The courtroom drama is pretty tame, and only a small portion of it. I came for kick ass legal case courtroom proceedings, like I would for most films that deal with trials, and it just treated it like it was no big deal, despite being a very big deal. Maybe it had the chill Canadian energy going on throughout it. None of the fun theatrics. 

Percy wins, by the way, as you would expect based on the title and it is history. He wins, at a cost, but he wins. And corporations learned their lesson and never messed with the poor little farmers again. Right? Well…

1 out of 4.

Nine Lives

Hey, everyone love’s cats. Just go onto the internet. But the love for cats comes from being cute, or seeing them do derpy things. They don’t love all cats.

Which is why the concept for Nine Lives is so bizarre. The plot comes straight out of a film from the 1990’s (Or a Rob Schneider film from any decade). Guy goes into a cat. The only way it could be really worse is if the cat itself could talk in English and spoke to the cast, but alas, it just has to meow at them.

People don’t like those sorts of films anymore. Those are the films that get mocked and burned at a stake. And here it is, 2016, with Nine Lives coming out. Sure, yeah, I did think Keanu would be a movie about a talking cat, but ended up just being a regular cat and pretty decent.

I don’t think the same sort of change can occur here while watching.

He is going to stare a whole through that cats head.

Tom Brand (Kevin Spacey) is what his name suggests, a walking brand. He is all about his image and his companies success. As CEO, he wants to do fascinating things and leave a permanent mark on society. And he decided that permanent mark would be the tallest building in America. Now that it is almost completed, it turns out another building in Chicago being built will easily beat theirs in height, ruining his dreams.

One of his workers, Ian Cox (Mark Consuelos) was supposed to know about this sort of thing, but he didn’t care. He wanted to take over the company and sell it for money.

All of Brand’s success means his family had to suffer a little. His new wife (Jennifer Garner) and daughter (Malina Weissman) don’t see him a lot and he forgets things, like birthdays. And his daughter wants a cat, but he doesn’t want a cat in his house. But eventually he just gets the cat.

Buys it from a weird guy (Christopher Walken), and sure enough, an accident happens putting Cox in a coma and his spirit or mind or whatever in the cats body. Knowing that the last thing he did before the accident was to actually get a gift for the daughter was a good thing, they take the cat in while he recovers. This allows Brand to try and bond with the daughter and convince them that he is a man in a cat’s body.

Also starring Robbie Amell as the son who is trying to help Brand’s company while he is in a coma, Cheryl Hines as his ex-wife, and Talitha Bateman as his ex-wife’s new daughter.

Oh ho ho, the human is on all fours. What a role reversal!

Jennifer Garner almost had the worst year ever. She had three movies come out, and I have seen two of them. Nine Lives is beyond terrible and Mother’s Day (which I haven’t seen) was blasted by critics as well. She is down right lucky that Miracles From Heaven ended up being a relatively decent Christian film, and not a standard tacky/corny over the top Christian film. It would have been real close to being just a complete fail of a year.

There isn’t a whole lot to be said about Nine Lives that isn’t already out there on the internet. What the hell was everyone involved thinking?

There are very little surprises in this film. Spacey, Garner, everyone just phones it in. When things start feeling the bleakest, it was because they made the son character a passive, dumbass. He seemingly refused to fight and it didn’t make sense. So why did it happen? Oh, so the son could do a bigger distraction near the end of the film, in order to end on a bigger note. So yeah, temporarily changing how a character works, because the writers don’t know what the hell they are doing to get to the finale they want.

The cat looked terrible when it had to switch to CGI, which was whenever the cat had to do anything special. So a giant chunk of the movie.

Walken was in this movie, and he has been in mostly shit for years.

There is just nothing really positive to note. It has a weak script, weak plot, weak acting, and at under 90 minutes it still feels too long.

0 out of 4.

Eddie The Eagle

Eddie The Eagle is one of those movies that I heard was coming out, I wanted to see, and then never saw. I know I know, it happens all the time, but usually I at least manage to see the movies that interest me.

Fun fact about watching the movie. Well, fun to me. The entire time, despite knowing the actual actors name, I assumed it was Emile Hirsch. The problem is that I could not remember Emile Hirsch’s name, but assumed it was very close to Taron Edgerton. They don’t really look alike, have no where similar names, but I finished the film thinking “Man, that guy from Prince Avalanche sure did nail it!”

It is one of the strangest mix ups I have ever experienced, so strange that I decided to write about it in the intro of a movie review.

“What is this, a ski jump arena for ANTS?”

Eddie Edwards (Taron Edgerton, not anyone else) always wanted to go to the Olympics when he was a boy. He was kind of nerdy, but he had a goal and put his mind to it. He just wasn’t very athletic. He tried so many types of Olympic actives but always came up short. His mum (Jo Hartley) encouraged him to reach for the stars, but his dad (Keith Allen) eventually got sick of it, wanted him to end his obsession and to focus on getting a job and an income. And then Eddie decided he was doing it all wrong. He should train for the Winter Olympics instead.

So Eddie learns to ski and heck, he becomes pretty good at it too. He gets decently fast, but he still doesn’t qualify for the British Olympic team. Partially because they think he is a weird guy and not “Olympic Athlete” material. You know, he is quirky. An embarrassment. So what does Eddie do? He finds a new thing to try. Olympic Ski Jumping. If he can learn how to jump and reach a certain distance, then he can qualify for the Olympics on his own, standards be damned!

Which is why Eddie heads to Germany to a Ski Jumping school. If he can learn to jump quickly, he can participate in a competition, qualify, and still make it to the 1988 Calgary Winter Olympics! Yes, those Winter Olympics. The same ones that featured the Jamaican Bobsled team. And sure, he finds a gruff but eventually lovable coach (Hugh Jackman) and is faced with the fact that most jumpers start training when they are 6 and not when they are in their 20’s. But damn it, this is his best chance at going to the Olympics and he won’t let anything stop him!

Also starring Edvin Endre, Rune Temte, Iris Berben, Jim Broadbent, and Christopher Walken.

Yeah, technically this is not how an Eagle would fly. But if an eagle had Skis, maybe they would!

I am only human. That means I like to be inspired every once in awhile, and hell, I can find a sports movie inspiring as well. I love the classics but I have found lately that sports movies are trying to hard for inspiration and forcing too many changes into the story. Only a movie studio can take an amazing 100+ game winning streak and lie about everything after the team finally lost and think its a good idea. I’ve been needing something greater than Spare Parts or McFarland, USA or Million Dollar Arm to really get me going.

Thankfully, Eddie the Eagle had everything I wanted and fulfilled something missing in me for years. Hell, I felt inspired just six minutes into the movie. A lot of credit needs to go to the sound and music team. I don’t know what inspired the music, but the tune throughout the film just made me feel like I could do anything.

And heck, the movie is about a guy that constantly got shit upon by others. Especially those in charge. No one wanted him to succeed and constantly they blocked his attempts to go to the Olympics. But he made it. Did he medal? Nope. Did he do his best? You betcha! And he broke records too. Mostly because no one before him had really Ski Jumped in GB since the 1920s.

And what confused me the most after the film ended is that it DIDN’T give me a nice blurb about what ended up happening with Eddie after the Olympics. That is because the Olympics changed their rules to make people like Eddie ineligible for the Olympics in future years. Basically, modern Olympic people don’t know how to have fun and are jerk faces. But I had to learn that on my own.

Egerton was wonderful as the lead and I just wanted to hug him the whole film. This is a drastically different role than the one he played in Kingsman, so I am now excited to see where Egerton takes his career outside of that franchise. The guy can act.

Fly like and Eddie the Eagle. Do it or live in regret the rest of your life.

4 out of 4.

The Jungle Book

This is Disney doing a live action remake of one of their old animated films. Nothing new about that of course. The Jungle Book has already had a live action remake once (it’s bad), and it is based on an older story, so they wanted to get theirs out there quickly.

But did you know about the other Jungle Book movie, Jungle Book: Origins? The one directed by Andy Serkis to showcase new motion cap technology? I had thought that one was supposed to come out this year, to get all doppleganger film-y and all. But nope, its release date was October of 2017. And just because this one is getting such good ratings, they pushed it back to October of 2018.

Sucks for that Jungle Book. Especially since I am pretty sure it was announced first and it is already in post production now, we just have to wait 2.5 years.

Unless it gets pushed back again. Because this film, the Disney Jungle Book, already has announced a sequel. It is like Disney is just trying to screw over poor Andy.

[Editor’s note: Since writing this but before publishing, Serkis’ movie has now been renamed to just Jungle Book, probably increasing future confusion. But at least it won’t sound like a prequel anymore.]

Oh well Andy. Hakuna Matata or whatever it is that bears say.

Mowgli (Neel Sethi), the poor little man-cub, was abandoned in the Jungle when he was but a toddler. The noble Bagheera (Ben Kingsley), a black panther, discovered him and felt pity. Even though Man is a danger to the jungle, he was but just a cub and would die on his own and he needed a family of his own. So he brought Mowgli to the wolf pack. There he could learn to be a wolf and there would be a shit ton of wolves to help protect them.

The wolf pack leader, Akela (Giancarlo Esposito) agreed to take him in, but really he was raised by Raksha (Lupita Nyong’o) as one of her cubs.

But eventually the ferocious tiger Shere Khan (Idris Elba) finds out about Mowgli’s existence. He hates Man and knows what they can do, so he needs to be killed before he destroys them all. He threatens the wolf pack and eventually it is decided that Mowgli needs to be taken to the closest man village to protect him. So Bagheera agrees to take him there.

Of course that doesn’t work. A nice tiger attack separates the two of them, and Mowgli has to live on his own in the Jungle. Mowgli now has to survive on his own, when big ass boa constrictors (Scarlett Johansson) are trying to eat him, even more big ass Orangutans (Christopher Walken) are capturing him, and bears (Bill Murray) are trying to befriend him for food help. Oh that last one isn’t too bad.

Also Sam Raimi and Jon Favreau voice a couple animals, how neat.

Trusssssssssst meeeeeeee, it is very neeeeeeeeat.

The Jungle Book is another modern movie where literally every main character is voiced by a very famous person not known for their voice work. There are some cubs and minor animals with who the hell knows voice people, but for the most part we are squandered in celebrities. And not every celebrity with a unique voice makes them great at voice work. Robin Williams has an obvious voice, but each character was unique and special. Not every character felt unique and special.

Let’s start with the good voice actors. I really liked Elba, Nyong’o, Johansson and Kingsley. At least Johansson is known for one voice work (Her), but everyone else seemed to bring some passion and heart into their voice. I hated Kingsley’s Bagheera at first, but I grew into it and it felt natural. Elba was the real powerhouse here as Shere Khan and was a voice to be reckoned with.

On the other hand, Baloo the bear just sounded like a lazy Murray in a bear suit. And of course King Louie as Walken was just all over the place. It turned what should have been a scarier scene into a joke, because it is Walken’s voice and he didn’t change anything about it.

Speaking of voices, I was worried from the trailers that everyone would sound like they were just in a recording studio as they did their lines, but the post-production guys did a good job of making everything natural.

As for one final complaint about voices, this film suffers from animal talking inconsistencies. They are in a Jungle and everyone can talk and understand each other? Cool. It isn’t just Mammals either, because we have the snake joining in the fun. But you know who cannot talk? Elephants for some reason. They only make Elephant noises. Bees only buzz, and about 800 monkeys just squeak and shrill, despite the orangutan singing and yelling. This might seem like a minor complaint, but that is the sort of lack of forethought that just creates a technically confusing universe. Give me all, or give me none, but don’t give me arbitrary rules that make certain animals just into animals.

The visuals and animation for the animals were extremely top notch. Everything for the most part felt realistic, outside of one stampede scene, and I have no complaints from that. The jungle itself was also a diverse and beautiful setting and it made viewing the film a great experience.

And sure, I liked that they included a few of the original songs. They did feel out of place and didn’t sound as great as the cartoon, but still keeping them was a nice touch.

The Jungle Book is a great adaptation, but it could have been the BEST adaptation if they went for top tier talent and consistency.

3 out of 4.

Joe Dirt 2: Beautiful Loser

Joe Dirt: Cult Classic, Classically Bad, or just a shit movie?

Hard to say, depends on who you ask. I would argue that it had a few redeeming jokes, could have been good, but overall, just a shit movie. Which is sad, because I tend to just feel sorry for David Spade more than anything. I liked Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star. Or at least a few redeeming jokes/scenes. Fuck. So I guess I just feel bad overall. He probably just misses Chris Farley.

And then we got Joe Dirt 2: Beautiful Loser. Was it wanted? Hard to say.

But it exists and it was released exclusively on Crackle, because Sony went and financed the film. So you can watch it in all 480p glory with commercials, right now. Which is why this is day 2 of my “Fucking Finally” review week.

480p, because if any higher, you could tell that the hair is not actually a wig, but his real hair!

This sequel takes place not at all directly after the first film, and not just because I don’t remember how the first film ended. But Joe (Spade) and Brandy (Brittany Daniel) are still together and they even got married. Yay! You knew that from the picture above.

Things were going well, technically. He even got Brandy pregnant to make a little Dirt. Turns out Brandi was actually popping out triplets though, all girls. Oh well, life is still fine. Even if Dirt just gets farted on at work and his family thinks he is a loser. To prove he is not a loser, he runs back to the trailer during a tornado to get something for one of his daughters. This makes him Wizard Of Oz it up and get transported to another place, where it lands on the leader of a gang!

Hey, that makes Joe the new gang leader, according to the second in command, Foggie (Patrick Warburton). Also, it is now 1965. Time travel, just because.

The rest of the movie is literally Joe Dirt existing in the past, doing past stuff, like meeting Lynyrd Skynyrd, before they are famous, doing a Cast Away parody, and other stuff. Heck, the whole thing is really a bigger Forrest Gump parody.

Also you can find Mark McGrath, Dennis Miller, Tracy Weisert, Christopher Walken, Rhonda Dents, and Kevin P. Farley stomping around at various points in this movie.

Feast your eyes upon this image and know pain itself!

Look at that image above. Look at it hard. Does it make you feel bad inside? Does it make you hate yourself? Does it make you wonder how could an image like that appear in a movie that doesn’t have “Movie” in the title?

That’s it! Joe Dirt 2: Beautiful Loser does what no one thought possible. It created something on par with Scary Movie 5, The Starving Games, and Meet the Spartans. Shitty parody movies with barely a theme that have one unrelated scene after another to make terrible pop culture references and call them jokes.

However, Joe Dirt 2 doesn’t even have a theme. It just makes terrible references, not jokes, just references, and moves on. The picture above is trying to make it seem hip and cool, by putting a gif meme directly in the film to appeal to the youth of today and just seeming terrible. It literally came out of nowhere and didn’t even make sense in the scene it was in!

Honestly, I found maybe two scenes slightly amusing. The Skynard scene and the nickname scene. However, like every “joke” in this movie, they both still go on too long and make me sick of it before it is through. In a way, that describes the films as a whole. Joe Dirt could be considered an amusing movie. Joe Dirt 2 elongates the joke too far, making me hate 1 and 2 collectively more than I did before.

0 out of 4.

Buy It! – This movie is available now on {Blu-Ray} and {DVD}.

Jersey Boys

Looking over the musicals that were coming out in 2014, I figured that Jersey Boys would be the clear favorite for the entire year. I saw the Broadway version of the musical and it was fantastic. It had everything: music people already knew and enjoyed, exciting stage work, humor, drama, gangsters, you name it.

It is one of the easier movies to make too. Slap on some period piece appropriate clothing, get some guys who performed the musical already, and record that puppy. I was first weary when I heard that Clint Eastwood was directing it, but then I figured if the people who made the initial musical are helping, Eastwood can just focus more on getting the singers to act the drama parts better and really amp up the crime element to a higher potential.

Now, after seeing the film? Well, maybe Muppets Most Wanted will be the best “musical” of the year.

Early Group Image Is First To Show
Don’t even get me started on the new Annie and Into The Woods.

The original story is based on the (at the time) three surviving members of the Four Seasons, Frankie Valli, Bob Gaudio, and Tommy DeVito. They gave the information to the musical writers, who put on the show, with the first two having veto rights if they didn’t like what was going down. So presumably a lot of the events are actually true.

This is a story about how a few guys from Jersey were able to make it out of their home cities without joining the military or joining the mob. Just kidding, the mob is here too, with the local boss played by Christopher Walken.

It is about how Tommy DeVito (Vincent Piazza) and his buddy Nick (Michael Lomenda) helped teach a then Frankie Castelluccio (John Lloyd Young) how to train his voice to perform like an angel. Then their eventual finding of Bob (Erich Bergen), who could write them hits, play the piano and sing as well.

The story of four guys, rising to fame, how certain songs were conceived, and how they all began to crack and break apart thanks to home pressure, mob pressure, and money pressure. And two women who Frankie apparently slept with, played by Erica Piccininni and Renee Marino.

I like my lines of men like I like my computer. Shining and playing music.

Ahhh, musicals. What better way to put that song in your step as you leave the theater and go about your day? I love them so.

However, this movie really isn’t a musical. Sure, there are songs in it, but it is definitely feels a lot more like a generic biography film of a band, that features music the band did, than a musical. Something VH1 might have quickly thrown together. Only one real element of the movie is like a standard musical at the very end. When the story is over, but they sing and dance to two songs while walking down the street before the credits role. That is where we finally get to hear one of the more famous songs by The Four Seasons. A song that takes place much sooner in the story/broadway version, but they cut it out to save it. A time where they can actually use a song to help tell the story, instead of just being the guys singing in a club, and they push it to the end.

If that isn’t proof of them trying to take the musical out of the Broadway hit, then I don’t know what is.

I am not saying Jersey Boys ended up being terrible, it just ended up terribly disappointing as to what it could have been. So many things just felt off while watching the film. The story and plot were good. The music was good. Maybe the acting was off? They at least had the original Frankie Valli from the play reprise his role for this film, just none of the other guys.

They decided to go with a shitty brown filter over the whole film, to give it an old style, 60’s look. But it felt distracting to me. I would have definitely preferred instead a really nice polished looking movie, not the fake grittiness that made me compare parts of the movie to a Lifetime special.

I feel as I am being really hard on the movie, but it is just harder to point out the amazing parts versus its flaws. In all honesty, I think this is completely Clint Eastwood’s fault as a director. He meddled far too much in the musical side, making this into a more generic feeling movie. A lot of the charm was lost in the film making process, but thankfully this story had an over abundance of charm to work with.

So there are still fantastic moments to go along with the story, and not just the musical performances. For example, Lomenda did fantastic as the role of the bassist, really made it easy for the audience to feel his frustration and get on his side.

It just. It just could have been so much more.

1 out of 4.

A Late Quartet

Hey, did you read my review of Quartet? Probably not. Well, long story short, it wasn’t good.

I also noted my confusion over thinking it was a different film, called A Late Quartet. Realizing there were two different films of similar themes and titles around the same time cleared up all my confusion. It totally isn’t my fault I thought they were the same thing, but I will take the blame like a real pseudo-anonymous internet person.

Practice makes Perfect
It is dvdsreleasedates.com‘s fault, I swear! I am innocent!

The Fugue Quartet is a pretty big deal. That is two violins, a viola, and a cello, for you music noobs out there. For those music experts, they are also a made up quartet, so don’t go looking for them. They were made decades earlier, and have been kicking ass for a long time.

But poor Peter Mitchell (Christopher Walken), the quartet’s founder and cellist. But he is developing Parkinson’s disease, so his playing days and living days are both soon to be over. After telling the group, certain issues and drama arise, which can break apart the very fabric of the group.

Robert (Philip Seymour Hoffman) and Juliette (Catherine Keener), second violin and viola, met via the group, fell in love, got married, and had a daughter Alexandra (Imogen Poots). Well, Robert is thinking about asking the group if the two violinists can split shift their duties, apparently a big no no in music groups. Even worse, his wife thinking the other dude is better than him.

The other dude being Daniel Lerner (Mark Ivanir) a very talented violinist, who they get to also teach Alexandra some tips while she finishes high school. Unfortunately, he decides to give her a different, extra tip.

Can they find a replacement for Peter? Can love survive the marriage or the strange agely different affair? Can Daniel let Robert play some better violin? WILL THE EARTH CRASH AND BURN FIRST? Why is Wallace Shawn in this movie?!

They are about to perform? MY BODY IS READY!

What happens when you take four incredible actors and make them act in a movie? You get good acting! Okay, I never heard of Mark Ivanir before, but he was just as vital and good in this movie as the other big three.

For Christopher Walken, he is still in tons of movies, but it seems more often than not they are making him play a joke version of his actual self. It gets kind of annoying, and you can tell he isn’t trying too hard. In this film, he gets to play a real role and act, and does it well. He had a very emotional moment near the end in particular.

Philip Seymour Hoffman had to play a man realizing he isn’t the best, and that everyone around him knows it. He doesn’t want to be the best second violinist in the world, he wants to lead the group darn it.

Catherine Keener had an amazing scene with Imogen Poots, mother to daughter, and it was so shockingly realistic, it hurt me so.

This movie lets classical music be the back drop and score, making it a bit fancy. It also created an atmosphere making the viewer feel as if they have known the group their whole lives, instantly knowing everyone personally.

More importantly, it shows the group playing music as well. Quartet didn’t really show the people singing. Obviously the actors didn’t play the songs themselves, but it looked like it. We didn’t just get a big tease for a grand show, and then you know, not get it. Fucking Quartet.

3 out of 4.

Stand Up Guys

Oh, it must be summer now. That is the only way to explain that my local theaters are finally getting some limited release films over the last few months. All the college students have gone home, so they have to cater to old people now. Which is why I got to see Stand Up Guys, a few weeks before its DVD release, a few months after it came out. Heck, I get to see Mud for next week too. Color me ecstatic. (But where are you Stoker?!).

Speaking of “Stoking,” this image has been edited from the movie version. Want to guess where?

Life sucks for retired gangsters. After all, it is hard to retire as one. You have to first not die. You also have to be released out of your gang. Even when you are, you might be later charged for crimes if you slip up, and people still might want you dead. Jeez. No on thinks of the consequences!

For Val (Al Pacino), he just spent 27 or so years in Jail, taking the blame for a crime that went bad, keeping his accomplishes secret. Yeah, what a stand up guy. Unfortunately, in that accident, he accidentally shot and killed the only son of their boss, Claphands (Mark Margolis). So Claphands is mad, but he is a vengeful fucker. He has made Val serve his entire sentence looking over his back, with plans to have him assassinated within a day of him getting back.

Claphands is so vengeful, he is making his best friend, Doc (Christopher Walken) take him out. The only assignment over the last 30 years, to kill his friend within his first release. Sucks. But Doc is going to make sure his last night with Val is a special one before he commits the deed. You know, or else they will go after his other loved ones!

Alan Arkin plays the third member of their gang, reduced to nursing home life. Lucy Punch plays a Madam, Addison Timlin a waitress, and Julianna Margulies a rape victim.

Now guess which of those woman was found in the trunk!

Meh. The first 20 minutes of the film, I was feeling pretty dead inside. It was moving slow, and it looked like it was going no where. Neither Al nor Christopher seemed to really be in to it. I mean, they are old, and they have played gangster before, so they should be old hats at this. But neither felt comfortable, and that felt true the whole movie.

It did get a bit better, there were some fun moments, but it is surprising how much of the movie ended up just being dick jokes. A lot of the gags / adventures for them felt a bit forced too. They threw away any sort of realism for a couple quick jokes or moments that weren’t really funny. Not to mention the end is a total cop out, and kind of bullshit.

I will tell you, what got me the most was the lack of respect for continuity in a movie, or at least no sense of time management. They eat at the same restaurant in a span of six hours three times. Each time with full meals for Al Pacino! They find a nice car a block away from the restaurant. Later, at the same restaurant, they have to go back to where they found the car, and talk about street names and then have a long drive over to it. Come on, don’t lie to me like that movie makers.

Shit like that bugs me.

But one scene made me tear up. I am such a softie.

1 out of 4.

Seven Psychopaths

When I first heard about the film Seven Psychopaths, I was definitely excited. This movie is directed by Martin McDonagh, the guy who brought us In Bruges four years ago.

If you haven’t seen In Bruges, you definitely should. It is a dark comedy, and a pretty unique movie experience. But no pressure on McDonagh to recreate the magic of his last movie or anything.

Desert Stand off
Pictured above: Unique experience.

Marty (Colin Farrell) is a struggling screen writer and now alcoholic. He had some success, but he cant find the motivation for his next film, which is way past its deadline! Plus, his girlfriend is a bitch, maybe. His best friend, Billy (Sam Rockwell), an out of work actor really wants to help him on his new movie called Seven Psychopaths, so he puts an ad in the local paper calling all psychopaths to contact Marty and tell him their story. Ah jeez, thanks.

At the same time, Billy is working with an old friend of his, Hans (Christopher Walken) on a small time dog kidnapping business. Kidnap dogs from rich looking people, wait for them to post a reward, and boom, profit! Hans is working on money to pay for his wife’s cancer treatment (Linda Bright Clay). Unfortunately, they end up kidnapping the wrong man’s dog. Charlie (Woody Harrelson), a high ranking member of the local Italian mob loves his dog more than anything, and will kill anyone in his way to get him back!

Right. While all of that is going on, Marty is getting caught up in these shenanigans while also hearing stories from other psychopaths, such as Zachariah (Tom Waits), a Dexter sort of psychopath, and a pretty pissed off former member of the Vietcong(Long Nguyen). Not only does Marty have to survive the full wrath of the local mob, thanks to his friends attempts to help inspire the screenplay any way possible, but also stop drinking so gosh darn much!

Waiting Room
You know where alcohol gets you? In the hospital. That’s the real moral of this whole movie.

If I am going to compare here, I can say that Seven Psychopaths is a bit more crazier than In Bruges, and you’d expect that with a film that had psychopath in the title. Unfortunately for myself, I had the displeasure of sitting behind a woman who cackled at every small amusing thing, ruining a bit of the humor for myself, but I still found it pretty damn funny. This film had large amounts of normal comedy and “dark comedy”, easily willing to make both groups happy (and potentially uncomfortable if you just want comedy). Basically, if you hate death, stay away.

But the person who really made this movie I think was Sam Rockwell, out of all the actors. His character just felt leagues above the rest of the cast, not that they were bad, just no where as near as awesome and crazy as his. He forces you to watch him every time he is on screen.

I think the only thing I didn’t really enjoy was the “movie in a movie” aspect of it. The movie, Seven Psychopaths, is about a guy trying to write a movie called Psychopaths, and very strange movie like circumstances occurring to his life as a result. Don’t get me wrong, the things that occurred were pretty fantastic, I just almost wanted a 100% real movie instead for a higher shenanigan potential. Definitely a great movie to watch with the friends however, with a fun time guaranteed.

3 out of 4.

$5 A Day

I honestly don’t know what to say about $5 A Day based on what I guessed it would be about. Maybe prostitution. Very cheap prostitution.

But that is my go to thought for all films I’ve never heard of.

Oh well maybe its a ROAD TRIPPPP. With prostitutes?

Ritchie (Alessandro Nivola) is a health inspector and living the life with his girlfriend, Maggie (Amanda Peet). Nice. Good job, good pay, good living. Until he gets fired for lying on his resume about spending some years in jail earlier in his life. Maggie didn’t know this either, or that he lied about his dad being dead. Because he isn’t dead! Just dead to him. Something poetic. So Maggie leaves him too.

Apparently his dad, Nat (Christopher Walken) is dying from a tumor, and doesn’t have long to live. But he is apparently a bad guy, who has conned people his whole life. He even gets buy spending at most $5 a day, pretty nice. So Ritchie flies from LA to Atlantic City to be with his dad, who convinces him to go on a road trip to New Mexico for a potential cure. Oh fine.

Just along the way they have to drive in a sweet’n low car, and get free gas as long as they stop at Chevron stations. With hundreds of fake IDs giving him pretty much every birthday of the year, they are able to strategically eat at IHOPs for free! Crafty guy. Along the way they stay in abandoned houses, con some more people, run into their old baby sitter (Sharon Stone) and maybe even get lots of cash over a question of paternity.

What? Could Nat maybe not even be Ritchie’s real father, an exceptionally long con?

I bet when you saw Walken’s name, you knew he’d dance at some point in the movie.

TL;DR Version is this is a road trip movie about a dad and son, before the dad dies, rekindling their relationship, and also shenanigans.

But really I didn’t find it entertaining at all. Lots of cons happen, but to normal regular people who doesn’t deserve it (it feels like). So the main guy is just a jerk, and his son is a jerk too by helping. And that is about it. A 90 minute movie about jerks jerkin’. Yes, I do have a way with words.

This is just more of Christopher Walken playing the stereotype of himself, I think.

1 out of 4.