Jack The Giant Slayer

Eurrrgh. It happened again! A trailer went way over its bounds and told far too much of a movie. Jack the Giant Slayer, the next fairytale gone epic in theaters today. The worst part of the trailer isn’t that it tells of a betrayal, or shows character deaths. No. It says this cringeworthy line.

“If you think you know the story.
You. Don’t. Know. Jack.”

Please shoot me. Really. The first half being just stupid in general, because we do know the story. Just not this other story. Movie’s don’t make a story version stop existing. Then the last part, which was seen coming a mile away, and…just man. Come on. Stop it guys.

Ewan 2
Oh what’s that? Ewan McGregor? Fuck it, I am excited.

The movie begins, with a telling of the poem, of course! Jack (Nicholas Hoult) a wee lad hearing the story from his dad, and Princess Isabelle (Eleanor Tomlinson), an also wee lass hearing it from her mom. TEN YEARS LATER. BOTH ARE DEAD. The parents mentioned of course. Jack is a simple farm boy, who has to sell the family horse and cart. Isabelle is set to rule after her father (Ian McShane) kicks the bucket. But he wants to make sure she has someone to help her, so why not force her to marry the King’s Adviser, Roderick (Stanley Tucci)?

No, we will not let Aladdin steal all the plots.

Either way, Isabelle wants to prove that she can be a leader, to be one with the people, to do her own thing. Jack just kind of wants to stop being poor and lame and bored. Eventually, beans and a stalk! Oh no, the Princess gets trapped and taken up to the giant land above. I say that, because giants. The knights crew, Roderick, Roderick’s assistant (Ewen Bremner), Sir Elmont (McGregor) and another random dude Crawe (Eddie Marsan), along with Jack. Their goal, rescue the princess, and to not restart some ancient war that they will surely lose.

But you know, betrayal. Love. Surprisingly large amount of death. Bill Nighy voicing General Fallon, a two-headed giant. Unfortunately, the extra head has down syndrome or something.

Fuck it, Ewan gets both pictures. You deserve it, bud. Because I can call Ewan bud now.

Gahhh. Gah.

Alright, this is another polarizing movie, that could have been epic, but fell short from its potential. Here are some positives. I actually found myself scared during a few parts. When the giants were on the ground, running through the forest, chasing them on horseback, I was terrified. Ewan McGregor had technically a small role, yet he made it his bitch, and gave that character so much personality. Hell, even the beginning plot wasn’t that bad.

But the movie floundered.

The epic fight ending ended up being nothing more than a glorified tug of war match. The story of the princess trying to prove she was an equal and could do things on her own ended up being a wash as well. She went from Damsel in Distress, to kind of helpful, to no, let Jack do the hard parts that she could have done just as easily. Seriously, the end of the movie pissed me off. They could have went the smart way, but chose the standard, this movie was made in the 1950s ending instead.

Visually, it is nice, 3D wasn’t that helpful. But man, the ending put a very bad taste in my mouth.

Oh well, watch the movie just to see a clinic on how to make a character your own. By Ewan McGregor, not Ewen Bremner.

2 out of 4.

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