Tag: Romance

In all honesty, when I first heard about the movie Trainwreck, I really really really thought that this movie would involve a train. A couple meets on a train and talk and get to know each other. And hilarious things happen. But that is basically Before Sunrise minus comedy. Trainwreck is nothing like Before Sunrise, unfortunately.

So, no train. Maybe that means it will be like Trainspotting. That had no train right? It has been awhile.

There is a train of pain in his arms though.

Amy (Amy Schumer, yes she plays herself or something), is the trainwreck in question. Why? Because she is promiscuous after sex doesn’t stick around. Oh no! Why is she like this? Because her father (Colin Quinn), when divorcing their mom, told them love isn’t real and to not trust it. Didn’t affect her younger sister, Kim (Brie Larson), though. She is in a nice relationship, married to a man (Mike Birbiglia) and helping to raise his son (Evan Brinkman). Ugh, stable relationships, yuck.

The only thing sort of stable is Amy’s relationship with Steven (John Cena), except that is getting a bit rocky too as Steven might want something deeper.

Anyways, Amy works at a shitty magazine, and her boss (Tilda Swinton) wants her to do an article about a guy named Aaron (Bill Hader), who is a sports injury surgeon. He is the best surgeon too, working with the best athletes to repair their legs and knees to get them back in the game. He is even BFF’s with LeBron James (LeBron James)! Too bad Amy hates sports.

But hey, dorky Aaron is a nice guy. She should sleep with him and dump him. But he is so endearing. Maybe she will date him. Yeah. Sounds good.

Also featuring smaller roles by Dave Attell as a bum, and Vanessa Bayer, Randall Park and Jon Glaser as coworkers, and Ezra Miller as an intern.

I didn’t know LeBron was that much of an actor, but he plays the fuck out of himself.

Trainwreck is directed by Judd Apatow and it feels very much like an Apatow movie. It is too long, it has long unfunny periods, and everyone is a bit awkward talking about real issues.

It is also written by Amy Schumer, and thus, the main characters name and I guess mostly her jokes? Hard to say, I haven’t seen her shows or stand up or anything really. But everything is about sex, making this an adult comedy about adult things. Get your big boy pants on.

Either way, the film on its own isn’t that great. The romance doesn’t seem to make a lot of sense and Hader’s character is legitimately boring. Schumer’s character gets old relatively quick, because it seems like it is just the same joke over and over again.

But cameos make this movie. Cena and LeBron are amazing. Ah maze ing. Cena didn’t have as many scenes, but he rocked it each time. LeBron is in this film a lot more, and does a great fake version of himself. His jokes are great, although also a bit repetitive.

Overall, the cameos makes it worth it. Despite the meh leads and overall length.

Gorgon Reviews – Watching Shitty (Terrible) Movies So You Don’t Have To. My long standing tagline and life philosophy. But for the most part, lately, my movies have just been everything in theaters. Some shitty, some not.

This is not a strange indie film. We Are Your Friends a film that was released throughout the US, but no one saw it. Almost no one. At the time of its release, it had the third worse opening for any film with over 2000 theaters showing it. It was the worst for live action movies.

Since it came out, Jem and the Holograms somehow decided to beat its box office records.

So We Are Your Friends only got to live in notoriety for about two months. Now it is second fiddle and now it won’t even be remembered for being never seen.

It may be remembered for having the same name as a famous Justice song though.
(Sweet music video alert)

Cole (Zac Efron) wants to be a great DJ. He is a small time guy, working the local clubs. He thinks he will be big one day. He just needs the perfect first song and the perfect opportunity. He definitely understands DJing though. He knows how to work a crowd, get them moving, and make the optimal BPMs .

He has three friends, Squirrel (Alex Shaffer), Ollie (Shiloh Fernandez), and Mason (Jonny Weston).

They need cash to make their dreams come true. But also, they like to party.

And party they do. They party a lot. And get ladies and stuff. Starring Jon Bernthal as a scummy dude, Wes Bentley as a pompous dude, and Emily Ratajkowski as a woman who doesn’t just want to be there for her looks.

Putting my hands on my head is the only way I know how to dance.

Who doesn’t love Zac Efron? He has successfully turned himself around from pretty boy Disney child into a guy who does what he wants. For the most part, he wants to do risque comedies. He did That Awkward Moment and Neighbors. And he is going to be in the Baywatch movie, which will hopefully be as good as the 21 Jump Street franchise.

But this isn’t risque or really a comedy. I mean, it is supposed to be, but it feels like a terrible drama the whole time. Having attractive women, even ones that show their boobies, does not make it really risque either.

We Are Your Friends has a boring plot, the kind you can figure out within the first fifteen minutes. Any surprises are actually completely random, and most of them serve little to no purpose. The same old romance things happen in this film that happen in all shitty romance movies.

And guess what? Spoilers. He does the song by the end. He makes people dance.

Hip hip fucking hooray. Some good music as the soundtrack though, but literally it felt about 20% of the film was saved for party montages.

For Brooklyn, I was able to go into it not knowing a thing about the plot. All I knew were the main actors involved, and that’s it. Brooklyn could have been the place or the main characters name.

It is wonderful.

Of course, now you should read this review and have that feeling taken away from you. Or stop now, see my star rating, and watch it on your own in the future. It is up to you, reader. You are the one who has all the power!

That face you make when you just get propositioned with dick pics.

Our stars name is not Brooklyn, but it is Eilis (Saoirse Ronan). It is 1951, and she is living in small town Ireland. Yes, that means you will be hearing a lot of sexy accents in this one. Times are tough in Ireland, but when are they not? She lives with her older sister Rose (Fiona Glascott) and her Mami (Jane Brennan). Rose has a nice life as a bookkeeper for a local company, but Eilis cannot find work. She works at a small convenience store only on Sundays with mean old Miss Kelly (Brid Brennan).

But things are about to change. Thanks to Rose for help, she reached out to a Catholic priest from their area, Father Flood (Jim Broadbent), who lives in NYC. He has agreed to pay for Eilis to come to the city, with a job lined up for her and a place to stay. That way she can make money and make a living of her self. I won’t tell you where specifically in NYC she will work and live, but I bet you can figure it out. Eilis just has to leave everything she has ever known behind, including her BFF Nancy (Eileen O’Higgins).

Unfortunately, life is hard for Eilis. She is not fun and outgoing and always reserved. She is homesick. She is sad. But all that changes when she meets Tony (Emory Cohen), an Italian boy. He teaches her a lot of things, giving her confidence in herself and makes life wonderful. But when circumstances have her return to Ireland for a time, she finds things quite different. Suddenly, a job is available to her, she has things she can do, and there is an available boy, Jim Farrell (Domhnall Gleeson), right now in her home town that is perfect for her. She has to decide if she should go back to her first love in NYC, a city she has made her own, but at the cost of again, her family and friends back across the pond.

Also featuring a handful of other women. Jessica Paré plays her boss, Julie Walters her housekeeper, and the other boarders are played by Emily Bett Rickards, Eve Macklin, Nora-Jane Noone, and Jenn Murray.

The true love test is to try and make a heart between your bodies.

Brooklyn doesn’t have fancy things. It has a simple plot, and it is all focused on a young girl trying to make her own decisions and not let the world make them for her. The description of the film isn’t sexy in any way. A simple plot means a simple story. But in this case, this simple story is one that was actually worth being told.

Now I will admit, yes, it did turn into a “which guy (/lifestyle) should I choose” film, so some may find it too romance heavy. And I admit, that if she made the choice I didn’t like, I would have been angry and you would have been seeing a much different review.

Ronan is utterly fantastic in this movie. I am a bit mad that it took this long into the year for me to see a movie where I can see someone who definitely will be nominated for Best Actress. And no, I haven’t seen Room yet. Best Actress is always my weakest category when it comes to seeing this ahead of time, so I am glad I have something at this point. Did I mention Ronan was also great? Her accent, her mannerisms, everything about her was wonderful.

Brooklyn also had the unique characteristic that it felt much longer, in a good way. When she finally got back to Ireland, I assume it only had about five minutes left, but again, I was surprised.

Brooklyn is a simple tale, but a good story, and some great acting. Accents are the cherry on top.

Movies in 2014 brought us some incredibly new and wonderful experiences. Boyhood took 12 years to film, doing a little bit each year to watch the actors grow old. Birdman was edited in a fine way to make it seem like just one long continuous shot. Both fantastic films, my 1 and 2 from the year.

But there was another movie that was unique last year that interested me. The Disappearance Of Eleanor Rigby. On its own, it doesn’t seem like that innovative of a film. However, it is collectively three films in one.

On the surface it is just about a relationship. Specifically, the three versions are called Him, Her, and Them. Him is the plot from mainly the guy’s point of view and Her is the girl’s point of view. Them is a more typically told story, telling bits and pieces of their sides and is a much more standard film.

And I wanted to see it all of 2014. I wanted to watch it as soon as it hit Blu-Ray. It has been on Netflix for months, all three parts! Welcome to Day 3 of my Fucking Finally week.

First comes love…

Conor (James McAvoy) and Eleanor (Jessica Chastain) have had a long relationship. They even married! Serious stuff. But no one would describe their lives as remarkable. Eleanor came from an academic family, but left her PhD program in Anthropology, when she got pregnant. Conor is the son of a restaurant God in NYC, who also has bad relationships, and is now attempting to run his own restaurant without his dad’s help.

But then one of the worst things happen. They lost their baby boy, really young. Their grief came in different ways, driving a wedge between them. After a few months, Eleanor wants to take a brake from their relationship, frustrated where things are going, and that is really where our story begins.

In Him, we mostly get to see Conor flailing about trying to deal with his emotions by repressing them like a motherfucker. They still come out in bursts, like when he has attacked unruly customers. His best friend and chef (Bill Hader) is even getting sick of his shit.

Conor sort of starts to stalk Eleanor a little bit as well, following her around but never having the courage to talk to her until he resorts back to a kid in middle school and passes her a note, quite creepily. His story also features Ciaran Hinds as his father, and Nina Arianda as an employee who has feelings for him.

Then comes stalking after heartbreak and sadness…

In Her, we don’t even see Conor for the until the awkward scene above. James McAvoy is barely in this film and it is definitely all about Eleanor.

It starts with her injury and then her going on her own to the hospital. Eleanor decides to go home with her parents and sister. The mom (Isabelle Huppert) is French through and through, always seen with a glass of wine. Her dad (William Hurt) is still a psychologist at the local university, and her younger sister (Jess Weixler) has a little boy of her own, but no man or boyfriend in her life. She was already living with the parents still. Her family tries to get her help, but can’t seem to provide enough help on their own, the awkwardness of the whole situation. Some psychology degree, am I right?

So she does go to the local college to take a few classes. There she develops a nice bond with another psychology professor (Viola Davis), who is able to talk to her like a real person about normal things, since she knows nothing about Eleanor’s last few months. Her time alone allows Eleanor an attempt to find herself, and interact with Conor on her own terms in her own ways. Slowly, surely, and eventually full of hope.

In Them, it is the longest of the films at just over 2 hours. However, it is literally just everything you seen before. You still get the scenes between them, but this time you also get some of their individual scenes.

Them is packaged in a way so that it can be their complete story in a regular time frame for a regular movie. A movie about sadness and grief and how two different people cope. Technically, some of the scenes between them we see from a few different angles, but it is just a cram packed version with less individual detail on each character. Although, when watching it, it still felt like it featured a lot more of Her than Him.

Then comes alcohol to end all of the sadness!

Five hours, twelve minutes. That is how long watching these three movies took overall. That is if you want the full experience. The good news? You don’t have to see all three for the full experience!

In fact, you shouldn’t watch all three, and definitely not in the same week. You should only watch Him and Her, or Them, not all three. If you just watch the first two, you will get a very unique experience and you will get it in three hours, nine minutes. A much more reasonable amount of time. If you are feeling lazy or want a very regular saddish drama, then just go for Them. Its like a not very effective cliff notes.

Now, I watched them in Him, Her, and Them order because it just seemed to make sense. I knew the films were about the woman leaving, so it makes since to keep some mystery and watch Him before Her. Doing so allowed the film to answer questions are different times and felt like the best experience.

This only matters if you care about my recommendation of course. The best experience would just be Him and Her, no Them, because it is mostly repetitive. It sucks that I cannot wipe Him/Her from my memory before Them to give an unbiased review of it. But Them on its own didn’t feel like a great movie. Obviously I had the issues of it being full of scenes I had already seen (does that sound weird?), but it also cut out a lot of other scenes that I felt were necessary.

That’s right. Watching the condensed two hour version felt lacking. Shocking discovery, I know.

Them is Shit. Him and Her combined are a good experience. If you were going to watch just one of Him and Her, it won’t be good. It would just be odd and you don’t want to be odd.

Oh yeah, for whatever reason, the movies end differently. I have no idea why this happens, but Her has the best ending, in my ever so humble movie reviewer opinion.

I am coming into The Age of Adaline a few months after it hit theaters. This really means that I cannot in good conscious make any jokes about a crossover movie of Avengers: Age of Ultron and this one, which came out roughly around the same time. That would be silly.

So instead I will talk about how little I know about this film. I am literally going in knowing nothing about it, not even who is in the movie. I figured out it was based on a book, probably a popular modern romance.

And hey, not all popular modern romance novels are bad. Sure you got your Twilights, but there is also The Fault In Our Stars! Shit, this is all teenage stuff. I am not as familiar with older adult romance novels.

Given the genre, I hope (like always) I can get a good cry out of it.

My emotions are like this elevator: They look really pretty but they get ignored by the rich all day.

Adaline Bowman (Blake Lively) has had an interesting life. Born on New Year’s Day, 1908, she has always had a party for every birthday. And right now she has had 108 birthdays.

But no, she isn’t old. She is young, attractive, and looks like she is around 29. In fact, her body is 29, despite the years around the sun. Due to a freak accident, involving drowning, body chemicals and lightning, somehow she no longer ages. Science, magic, fantasy shit.

So now she has to move every 10 years, or else people get weirdly suspicious. Or if she ever gets too close to someone romantically. That is a huge issue for her, never getting to love again.

Now it is modern day, and of course, someone likes her a lot. Ellis (Michiel Huisman) is rich and is impressed by her intelligence and poise. They like each other a lot. She even gets to meet his family! He has a Momma (Kathy Baker), a sister (Amanda Crew), and a dad (Harrison Ford). The dad of course being someone Adaline had a relationship with over 40 years prior.

Also starring Ellen Burstyn as Adaline’s much older looking daughter and featuring Hugh Ross as the narrator.

“Dad, remember the girl who broke your heart before you met mom?”

I loved the concept of The Age of Adaline, once the movie told me what was going on. Shit, I might have tried to watch it in theaters if I actually knew what it was about.

This is by far the best acting I have seen from Blake Lively. Savages and Green Lantern weren’t great for her, and of course Gossip Girl isn’t known for its great acting. But she is fantastic in this film. So is Harrison Ford, who also has had quite a few stinkers/unforgettable roles lately. Let’s not forget he did Paranoia. In this film he reminded us he was a great actor, which is good news for those dying to see Star Wars VII.

The story was a good one, the acting was good, but the major downfall with this film was its ability to drag. Which is this romance in a nut shell. It is like the rich and prestige, going to fancy dinner parties where people do a lot of small talk, having the same conversations with their friends. That is just the general feeling of the first half of the movie when it is set in modern times. Adaline is worried about being caught, her daughter just wants her to finally live her life, and discovering Ellis. I don’t think it gets truly interesting until she finally meets the dad, and the awkwardness really begins. The awkwardness allows for the best acting in the film and is where Ford starts to shine.

An okay romance, with a decent plot, and some fine acting. But it did not make me cry.

Last summer I watched two really good teenage romance films that involved death based on books. The Fault In Our Stars and If I Stay. I was surprised at the quality of both films and how I was able to still connect with them despite not being in the target demographic.

Of course, John Green wrote The Fault in Our Stars and wrote a few books besides that one. Before that one, he wrote one called Paper Towns, which my wife has assured me is fantastic.

Really, as long as it avoids the normal cliches, it will probably make me happy. And knowing my recent track record with any sort of romance film or drama, it will probably just end up making me cry in public again.

It does feature some amateur level hallway creepin’ though, so that’s a plus.

Quentin/Q (Nat Wolff) has always lived a typical lame boy life. He does what he is supposed to, does good in school, has nerd friends and no love life. He does have love in his life, however. He loves Margo (Cara Delevingne), who moved across the street from his house when they were both kids. Back then they hung out and started to do adventured, but she did it way more and eventually they lost touch. Still, he hoped and dreamed.

Then one night, she appeared at his window! She needed someone to drive her around Orlando, get revenge on her ex boyfriend and so called friends. A night of adventure and a night to remember!

And then? The next day? Poof. Margo was gone. She ran away again, Q thought they would start to hit it off, so soon to finishing high school. But luckily, Margo always leaves some clues for her friends when she leaves so that they know where they can find her. Now it is up to Q to put himself out there for once and do something out of his comfort zone! With the help of his two best friends (Austin Abrams, Justice Smith), the old best friend of Margo (Halston Sage), and the girlfriend of one of his best friends (Jaz Sinclair), he will hopefully find true love and happiness.

Also featuring the amazingly accurate kid versions of our leads, Hannah Alligood and Josiah Cerio, and Cara Buono as Q’s mom. Seriously, I am willing to believe they just filmed the kid scenes many years ago and decided to give them fake imdb credits and names so that people wouldn’t think it was weird.

Jokes on you, I think everything is weird!

Alright, before the movie I had two hopes. First of all, I can say that Paper Towns definitely avoided cliches. It had a huge “nice guy” boner going throughout it, but by the end it was certainly not your standard story. Which was fantastic!

Unfortunately, it didn’t make me cry. No tears at all, not even a little. Come on John Green. You destroyed me with your last film, this one only gave me chuckles and contemplation.

Here’s the thing. Our two leads were fantastic. Wolff and Delevingne felt like real people for the most part with genuine expressions and appropriate reactions to everything. They made their characters awesome. The supporting cast however is not able to get on their level. I thought the chemistry between Wolff and friends felt real, but the other two actors just didn’t feel real. One character in particular was more annoying than funny.

Again, I am all for surprises along the way, and in fact, the twists in this film are generally good overall. It just didn’t resonate with me as much as I had hoped. Thankfully the leads were still great and oh so charismatic.

As promised mere days ago in my review of The Longest Ride, I present to you, my review of The Best Of Me.

It was released a couple of months ago, but I really had no reason to watch it. But I figured I should get it over with before my screening of The Longest Ride. So, despite watching this one first, the review came later, because who cares about this one at this point right? Old romances are stupid. Unless it is The Notebook, then instead, we must all love it forever.

Speaking of The Notebook, James Marsden got rightfully screwed in that movie. Poor guy. Women leave him all the time in movies. So I am glad to see he finally gets to star in a romance movie of his own!

Marsden: Losing the girl yearly since 2003.

In this romance, Dawson (Marsden) and Amanda (Michelle Monaghan) are our fate entwined lovers. You see, they actually used to date. Oh, 20 or more years ago. Yeah. True story. When they were in high school.

Young Dawson (Luke Bracey) was a bit of a problem child thanks to his rough family, but he was smart. Young Amanda (Liana Liberato). Young Dawson had to get away from his daddy (Sean Bridgers) and their crime ways, so he tried to set out on his own. Luckily, he met a neighbor named Tuck (Gerald McRaney), a loner. He trusted Young Dawson for some reason, so he let him stay if he helped out around the house. He was mostly lonely his wife had died of course.

Either way, the young couple were romantic, these older versions are not. They haven’t seen each other for a long time. Only reason they are together now is because they were given all of Tuck’s possessions when he past away and put in charge of it all. Now they have to deal with the fact that they had some falling out. That Amanda has a husband (Sebastian Arcelus) and kids. And you know. Other past demons.

But don’t worry. It isn’t entirely angst. Because about half of the movie is dang old flashback anyways, so sometimes you even forget that they became old and jaded!

The whole movie requires a suspension of belief. You have to assume that kid can grow up to look like Marsden.

The Best Of Me is not the best recent Sparks movie. I would say it is definitely worse than The Longest Ride, Safe Haven, and The Lucky One. That is not saying a lot about this film though, given the quality of those films already.

First main issue. So much fucking flashback. Like the first flashback felt like it lasted 15-20 minutes. Can he tell a good story without so much flashback? I don’t know, he has been using it a lot lately. The story was bad in the flashback. Typical teenage angst and a lack of plot where plot would have been important. We have this huge struggle with his dad and their crimes, but don’t actually give a lot of concrete details on either outside of them being bad.

Young Dawson looks nothing like old Dawson. What the hell casting department. Get that shit fixed. The girls were okay in terms of similar looks.

The flashback romance didn’t even feel that great, which explains why maybe the modern day part also feels forced. We had our token rain kissing scene, and it was terrible. They didn’t even try to conceal the fact that the rain wasn’t even really falling on our characters. The flashbacks in general just felt fake and unreal, compared to the rest of the movie. That could be on purpose, but I doubt it.

And then the ending. Such a shit fest. Let’s just say, I still feel sorry for James Marsden.

Sparky spark sparks.

Nicholas Sparks. Famed romance novelist who writes a book and then immediately turns it around to also make a movie. A genius. Basically gets a movie a year!

Even better, these films don’t usually have crazy budget requirements. He really just needs two young fresh faces, maybe middle aged, depends on his story. Just needs some attractive people, a couple of flash backs, and a romance.

So now we have The Longest Ride. And don’t worry, I saw The Best of Me the day before, I just wanted this review to come out first because it was more relevant.

I went in seeing no trailer or a plot description. Just a hope that it was about a rodeo and not a road trip.

Rodeo confirmed! Excitement technically more than zero!

This isn’t just about the rodeo, this is about Luke Collins (Scott Eastwood), who is one of THE best bull riders out there, from a little old state called North Carolina. Well, Luke had a big fall, he couldn’t conquer the biggest baddest bull Rango [I have found out this bull is a real bull for bullriding competitions and actually was one of the best. I say was, because he passed away before the premiere of this film after 7 years]. Now, a year later, Luke is back in North Carolina and ready for his come back. He had to take quite a bit of time off, but he wants to get into that big championship tournament again, so he needs to get back to riding.

And while riding, this North Carolina boy meets this New Jersey girl, Sophia (Britt Robertson), who is about to finish up her degree at Wake Forest University. She falls for him, despite the fact that in 2 months she is moving up to NYC to start an internship as an art curator or something. Well, Luke, being a country boy from North Carolina trying to save his families farm, he wouldn’t get that art stuff. He is a farmer! Not an art-er!

Unrelated, they find a car crash one rainy night. In it is some old dude, Ira (Alan Alda) who has a special box, which unfortunately isn’t a surprise dildo collection, but instead, letters and shit. They were all to this Ruth (Oona Chaplin) chick. So we get a side story of his love with her during World War II, she an escapee from Italy, both of them Jewish. Super sweet I guess.

But yeah. North Carolina Rodeo boy! New Jersey art girl! How could they live and love? And what can they learn from that old dying man???

Also with Melissa Benoist randomly in another movie as sorority girl, Jack Huston as Ira in the past, and Lolita Davidovich as Luke’s momma.

I can never get over how much Scott Eastwood looks like his daddy.

Did I mention that Luke was a local boy, from North Carolina doing all this? Because the movie made sure you knew. Basically every time an announcer was talking about Luke, often multiple times in the same event, they would bring up his North Carolina-ness. I mean. It is a southern state. They have rodeos there too. They make it seem like he is the lone person to ever rodeo out of the place. As if it was a Hockey player from Kenya.

Lately, Sparks’ movies have tried to have more layers in them. I blame Dear John. Maybe it has always been a thing and I didn’t realize. But I guess he can’t write a simple romance anymore and just let it be a romance story. This one is plagued with flashbacks, in the form of the old guy/WW2 story. And it feels incredibly long and doesn’t add a lot to the story. Are parts of that plot line necessary? Sure. But to include so much and take us out of the romance promised to us, it felt annoying. This is the longest movie this guy has done too, so it really weighs on that parts feel cuttable. Especially when the side story seems to have its own side story included.

Parts of it are sloppy too. Some of these flashbacks are shown to us when character is reading a letter. However, thematically, these parts make little sense. If he is writing a letter to his lover, would its contents actually be a full on description of what they just did? Hell no. One letter he prefaces with the fact that the night was a great one. It was about their first kiss and dating. Yay. That same flashback letter also apparently included a long love montage and eventual engagement. Jeez. Some day indeed.

I just hate bad flashbacks. Later on they made sense because it was the old guy just telling a story to them. But fuck the early ones.

My other biggest issue is the actor who played young Ira. He looked nothing like Old Ira, he was painfully awkward on the screen, and sucked up the place. The lead lady had moments of weakness too. But flashback Ruth and modern Luke? They were pretty decent for the most part. I gotta stop talking about this, because I have almost hit 900 words. But overall it was okay, and its biggest weakness is Sparks’ trying to get too many layers in his stories. Sometimes simplicity can work.

I checked my charts and calendars, and I am pretty certain I have this whole thing figured out.

Yes. Indeed, it looks like we are on my first musical review of 2015! Hooray!

I don’t know how many will come out this year, but dang it, we at least got one. I think The Last Five Years was supposed to come out in 2014, but delays or something occurred. I couldn’t see this one in theaters when it came out around Valentine’s Day weekend, but it was released on iTunes as well. Thanks iTunes! You should be able to buy musicals always on a music organizing program. It just makes sense.

Musicals! Keeping jazz hands in business since 1932.

The Last Five Years has a rather simple plot. It is about a couple, who dated, got married, and lasted a whole five years. We know it doesn’t end up well, since the first scene is our female lead, Cathy Hiatt (Anna Kendrick), crying over Jamie (Jeremy Jordan) being gone. Very sad.

But it wasn’t all sad. I mean, he was Jewish and stoked to be in love with someone who wasn’t Jewish for once! She was an actress who had a hard time finding gigs, but didn’t have a hard time with Jamie. He was a writer of moderate success, but in five years, hopefully he gets something published right?

Long distance, early love, dreams and aspirations. These are all real words, and filler words, because honestly, it is hard to talk about this movie outside of a relationship that lasted five years. Oh, and that it isn’t told in order. You see, everything in Jaime’s point of view is told chronologically, however Cathy’s POV in the story is told in reverse order. We get to see various wins and losses in their relationship, but it shouldn’t be too difficult to follow.

When you can’t even look at each other, you know there is a problem.

You may have noticed that I only tagged two people in this review. Sure, there are technically others in the movie. You saw a flower of actors in the first picture. But I think maybe at most, 2-3 other people have speaking lines. Definitely no singing lines. This is about two people, in and out of love, fighting and loving, singing and loving. A whole lot of love, really.

As they are the only two real characters, they are the only two singers. In fact, most of this movie is singing, very little talking dialogue, which is a nice surprise.

This is not the type of musical I can find myself ever singing along with. The songs are, for the most part, very wordy and emotional and don’t always have easy parts to sing with. It isn’t as hard as something like Sweeney Todd, but it still seemed really difficult at times. Despite that fact, right after I watched the movie, I went on youtube and listened to most of the album again. It was just that emotional and strong. I was really impressed with the lyrics and the story told here.

The acting for our two leads I could describe as phenomenol, but I did cry by the end and got close to it several toher times. And hell, the first two lines of the musical, I kind of figured I would already like it. They really have a “Hey, stop what you are doing and fucking pay attention to the screen, multi-tasking assmuncher!”

It is kind of cute if you read it in Anna’s voice. Speaking of Anna, the only other musical I know coming out this year is Pitch Perfect 2. Jeez, when did she become the singer for everything?

Alright, fine. Disney is going full money grab. Disney Princess line is a success. Frozen has made multiple billions from sales and merchandise. They have bought Marvel and Star Wars. They want all the money on the planet, that is the only way to describe them right now.

Because if they keep making live action movies of their animated classics, they get to print even more stacks of cash out, keep up any copyrights they have (totally researched argument, this could be a false statement), and re design the character as see fit. After all, most of the early princesses are pretty passive people and terrible role models for women. They can make all of these women stronger independent ladies. They can make the movies more exciting or just tell a better story.

The first attempt was Maleficent, which I thought was terrible. The changes they made (all of it) were terrible, and instead of getting a bamf villain, we got a misunderstood fairy who spent a third of the movie just watching a girl grow up. We are getting Beauty and the Beast which I already have issues with casting wise, but I will tease and not talk about it until that review comes out in 2016 or whenever.

So now we have Cinderella, which for the most part, looks to be the exact same story. Maybe some more details, but exactly the same story with all of the same songs. Wait, what, no songs?

We are just getting fancy dancing? WHO WILL SERENADE ME?

Ah little Ella (Lily James). Living on her slightly big house with servants and shit. A loving family. Her dad (Ben Chaplin) is a merchant w ho goes on trips a lot, leaving her with just her mother. Did I say mother? Just kidding. She died. She told her to always be good and nice to people, because that was her gift.

Eventually the dad was feeling a bit lonely and he also wanted to be nice. So he heard about a lady who needed help, who was also now a Widow with two daughters. He wanted to marry her and move them in so that Ella would have friends and a family again.

Hah. Just kidding. New mother is a bitch (Cate Blanchett). New sisters are whiny bitches (Sophie McShera, Holliday Grainger). And of course her dad kicks the bucket too while he is out on a trip. Fuuuuuuuuuuck.

So they are poor now. They have to let go all their workers leaving just poor old Ella to make the food, clean the dishes, and help her “family” have some sort of luxury. She is too gosh darned nice.

So when the local Prince (Richard Madden) is going to have a ball to find a wife before the King (Derek Jacobi) croaks. Of course Ella can’t go because of bitches. Then we have a fairy godmother (Helena Bonham Carter), transformations, glass slippers, running, big search, and maybe some more shenanigans you don’t even know about.

Also with Stellan Skarsgård as a Duke and Nonso Anozie as a captain! Wait, no, his name is officially Captain it looks like.

Yep, none of them are blonde, therefore they are all evil.

It turns out, Cinderella doesn’t have a lot going on with its plot. I mean, in its basic form, girl is living with step family, doesn’t get to have fun. Some magic happens, she gets to have fun, and a Prince saves her and they live happily ever after. Not a whole lot going on for Ella. She just cleans a lot and is really nice. Fuck, so many times watching the movie, I was just thinking that she should just lock her fucking house doors when they go out to town and be done with it all.

But her niceness meant she just had to get shit on for years or months or however long the time line happened? Man. What a beta.

Okay, boring character aside. Boring plot aside. They don’t really change anything at all from a story sixty five years ago. They have a bit more back story and some more late game scheming, but literally nothing new and so it isn’t a surprise.

The only people who seem to have any amount of personality are the bad guys!

But despite all of it, is is indeed a pretty movie. Visually stunning, outside of one terrible CGI scene involving the pumpkin to carriage (it was gross and the humans looked fake during it), it was just an incredibly beautiful film. They really did great work in the costume and make up department, so you can expect an Oscar nomination there. Overall though, just too much filler and time wasting, especially at the ball.

Also, I feel uncomfortable with Skarsgård having a biggish role in a PG movie after seeing Nymphomaniac.