Tag: Horror

The word Caged should bring up some very specific imagery, especially with recent events on the border these last couple of years. People in literal caged prisons, crammed together, families separated.

But really, what is the difference between those cages and the prison cages that hundreds of thousands of Americans are already inside of as well? I am not saying that we shouldn’t care about one because the other exists. No, we should care about both and be furious at both. Other countries have prisons wildly different than hours, that actually focus on rehabilitation versus punishment, and social programs to help communities to reduce crime.

But that isn’t relevant to this movie. Which is a horror movie about a guy in solitary confinement losing his touch on reality.

You can tell this is the Warden by the facial hair and the flag. Dr. Harlow Reid (Edi Gathegi) is imprisoned for killing his wife (Angela Sarafyan). He claims he is innocent. The government doesn’t believe that to be so. And he lost he first case, landing him in the big house, so he is working on his appeal. There might be some evidence that the lawyers did not reveal that helps him out and he thinks he can fight it.

But the start of the film has the law firm representing him, a good friend of his, canceling the appeal because all of his assets were taken. He has to do it on his own, but he is educated, so he can handle it. However, the issue is for whatever reason he was deemed threatening and is put in solitary confinement.

Solitary confinement sucks. One of the guards (Melora Hardin) there seems get pleasure in ignoring him almost. In his misery. Despite listening to everything, it is almost as if he is being further tortured by this lady. Not with waterboarding, but emotional and psychological torture. And when the wall starts to talk to him, that is really when Reid feels it.

Also starring Tony Amendola, Robert R. Shafer, James Jagger, and Andy Mackenzie.

We will see their entire relationship played out on one scene on a boat. Oh check it out. This is my first 0 out of 4 of the year! Congratulations Caged!

Where to begin? Well, on a superficial level, the film clearly has a really low budget. The special effects, when they start inside the cell, are not great. The scenes are extremely limited.

For example, in the flashbacks with his wife? We don’t see any real part of the relationship. We see literally one scene with an awkward argument between the two, that is broken up into tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny components, and sprinkled throughout the film, to give a sense of mystery. But it is disjointed in a way to make it look like it should have bigger time gaps between cuts instead of a few seconds. It should have been one scene, for real, and flashbacks of them doing more to really build and see a reason for the relationship to exist. Or why the suspicions exist. They jump the connection and the flashbacks do nothing for the viewer.

The audio is absolutely one of the reasons I hate it. In order to make the film more jarring for the viewer, to get some of the main character’s angst, we get to hear terrible sounds and screeches too. And sure, I am annoyed now too. And I don’t like it. It isn’t done in a good way. It is done to be annoying and it works.

However, the plot is kind of really shit. I don’t care about the lead, it fails to produce empathy outside of the first scene. If you want to be scared, it also won’t produce any of those feels. Just an uncomfortable movie, that you wish to end to put yourself out of your own misery.

0 out of 4.

Psy. Cho. Gore. Man.

Psycho Goreman.

Really rolls off the tongue there, doesn’t it? It implies a lack of sanity, and a man who enjoyes producing gore. That is certainly not a good combination. And it is sometimes advertised as PG: Psycho Goreman. For most people, PG means parental guidance, and it is what most kid friendly movies are. There are G level, but those are super basic. I have to feel the branding and the acronym are intentional to combine these two thoughts together. They aren’t doing it to “trick” parents into taking their kids to see a violent R rated film, but given that this film plays with the tropes of “alien crashes to earth and is found by kids”, it just continues to play up that ridiculousness.

I mean, what if the alien was actually not a nice and docile creature? And what if humanity is worse?

In this picture: A sociopathic evil mastermind, a little boy, and a deadly alien

Mimi (Nita-Josee Hanna) and Luke (Owen Myre) are two siblings who often play their new came Crazy Ball with each other, but Mimi is much better at the sport than her brother. She is also meaner, like on a sociopath level. So because she won, she makes her brother dig a big hole in the background and eventually they find some glowing light alien stuff. They don’t do anything with it, go to sleep, and then the Arch-Duke of Nightmares (Matthew Ninaber, Steven Vlahos) is awoken and escapes his prison.

A ruthless killer alien, who has been trying to destroy the galaxy, has now been unleashed on the world and is ready to kill with blades, magic, and more. Fuck life, says this incarnation of evil. But Mimi ends up getting a hold of his special orb, which means he has to do what she says and cannot try to actively harm her. Ain’t nothing wrong with being in control of a villainous killer assassin. Also she renames him Psycho Goreman, because its better, PG for short.

Also there is an alliance of aliens who imprisoned him who now have to head to Earth to try and stop him from like, destroying everything too. Yep, that is a thing.

Also starring Adam Brooks, Alexis Kara Hancey, and Kristen MacCulloch.

Speak softly and carry on you the blood of your conquered foes.

Psycho Goreman is surprising, while at the same time not.

It hits a lot of the expected beats you would expect to see of “Alien comes to Earth, kids find him, but he is super evil.” Some of the chaos he does is pretty gorey, but wit the low budget they are still limited there. And honestly, the plot line of the Templar aliens rushing to stop him costume wise feels a lot like the enemies in power rangers. It could be intentional, but it still lowers the overall quality.

The surprising aspect comes from one of our leads, Mimi, as they did another reverse trope by making the strong determined sibling to be the girl, with the passive one being the boy. It was a great reversal. And I am shocked at hour menacing they made that girl. Absolutely one of the scariest anti-heroes of the year already, and someone I would not want to cross paths with ever in my own life. She did amazing and deserves praise there.

Overall the story is a bit amusing, but is dragged down sometimes from the lower budget and ways they had to work around it for the film. It didn’t shock me too much given the point of the plot, and most of the shock value came from unexpected stars.

2 out of 4.

Bloody Hell, mate. That is what British people some times say to their mates right? Bloody hell!

It is just a random exclamation like, “What the fuck?”, “Hot damn!”, or “Weasel balls!”

Maybe Australians say it too, I just know for Americans it is not the way we swear or exclaim.

Will this film take place in Great Britain or Australia? Or will it be a hellish landscape of blood. Only time can tell.

Analysis: After one picture I think this is porn.

Is Rex (Ben O’Toole) a hero or a criminal? Depends on who you ask.

Rex was at at a bank, trying to flirt with a worker, take her out on a date, when some dudes in masks showed up to rob the place, with guns. Things were going poorly, things were dangerous, so Rex took it on his own to just deal with the robbers himself. This surprisingly led him in jail for the way it all went down.

Years later, he is pissed off with the system, but he served his time and he is free to do what he wants. And he wants to leave the country. Go somewhere else, like Finland. But seemingly unrelated, some people capture him and have imprisoned him for…some reason. Damn Finnish people. he now has to use the same tact and guile that got him into prison for saving a bank, to figure himself out of this situation as well.

Also starring Meg Fraser, Caroline Craig, and Matthew Sunderland.

When Dart Maul is robbing banks you know times are tough for Disney.

Bloody Hell has a strange narrative structure and a pretty strange plot. The only thing that really connects the bank scene to the Finland plot involves the thinking of the main character and the level of violence he is able to dish out. But it is not the sort of thing that has to be a big focus for the Finland plot to happen. It does tell the story out of order, so it does keep some suspense in their relation.

And despite the fact that they don’t really matter together, this movie is still really fun.

I enjoyed the main character and his extra personality. Ben O’Toole was really charismatic with this role (eventually, the first bank scene of the movie was a little awkward). He seems like a fun guy, just a bit violent. His conversations with his inner voice is the main part of the film, and it comes across very well. The evil Finnish family isn’t too much special, but there is enough people to serve as fodder for unique kills and violent scenes.

Bloody Hell is not the strongest plot by means, but it keeps the action up for the most part, and doesn’t just feel wasted in its strange premise, like other recent movies that go with this genre. It is a movie that begs for creative death scenes and actually delivers, instead of being a let down like recent films like Ready or Not or The Hunt. Yeah, I will call out both of those films for sure.

3 out of 4.

Despite loving the crap out of it, I never ended up reviewing Thunder Road for my website. In fact, I am re-watching it now to get an overall sense for it and how the director/writer/star has evolved.

Let’s back up. Jim Cummings created a movie called Thunder Road, and it was way better than I imagined an indie movie directed, written, and starring the same person could be. Especially if it is someone I hadn’t know at all. Cummings has dealt with a lot of shorts before this film, and has been a producer on various works, and apparently did a movie eight years prior, but this is the first one that likely anyone saw.

It was good, and we wanted more. Apparently the more we get was two years later, with The Wolf of Snow Hollow.

And cops? Is this another cop movie Jim?

John Marshall (Jim Cummings) is a cop. Yes you read that right. A cop. This time in a small resort town somewhere in Northern USA, that does good tourism during the ski season, and is quiet as heck when it ain’t. John is going to be the head Sheriff someday, he has been groomed for it, because his dad (Robert Forster) is the current sheriff, and about to retire. John is a bit more fiery, but he has the heart and spirit to get it done.

And then a woman dies. Not only does she die, but she dies horrifically, with her genitalia ripped out. Oh no. That is graphic. The boyfriend (Jimmy Tatro) reported hearing wolves during that time, and also noted that some local dudes in a bar got feisty towards them, but that is all he knows.

And the town things it was a werewolf. There are people who say they see a two legged wolf running around, and future deaths to more women seem to add more to the mythos. Some in his department believe it, but John does not, and he needs to put an end to this circus quick before the national news jumps on this and makes their town a laughing stock. He also wants to protect his daughter (Chloe East).

With his second in command (Riki Lindhome), John needs to prove that werewolves are not real despite overwhelming evidence, putting his own career and the lives of many on the line in the process.

Also starring Daniel Fenton Anderson, Skyler Bible, Demetrius Daniels, and Kevin Changaris.

Blood is hard to get out of various substances and snow is definitely one of them.

Thunder Road is about a cop having a nervous breakdown on life because he is losing everything he knows and loves: He has lost his mom to death, his wife to divorce, his daughter to divorce, and his job and friends due to his bad ways of dealing with his grief. One breakdown after another.

The Wolf of Snow Hallow is about a cop having a nervous breakdown because of the stresses of the job. He also happens to be a single parent, and close to losing a parent, and lashes out in anger at many things with his rage problems. So there are similarities, but sure, they are different, because the stress of being a cop really didn’t play into Thunder Road, while it clearly did in this movie.

I am weary of someone making roughly the same film over. Jim. Why are you playing a cop again? Do you love cops? Now is not an okay time to love cops. Which they do bring up in this movie too, so it is at least topical in that regard.

But in all honesty, The Wolf of Snow Hollow has a lot going on for it. It gets real stressful, we get long scenes of great dialogue, we get some good montages in this one, especially when it came to a crime happening and the cops investigating the same crime. Jim did grow as a visionary director here and had his movie try new things out.

The story itself is fine, it has twists and turns, but I wouldn’t say it was easy to guess or anything the conclusion towards. Sort of came out of nowhere for me, so I wonder how obvious it was or if I missed anything.

Also if Jim is a cop in the next movie he writes and directs I am going to be pretty sus with him, but still watch the shit out of it.

4 out of 4.

Click HERE to see my interview with the director and HERE to see my interview with the main star of the film!

One of the scariest concept horror movies you could probably watch this year would definitely be about getting a hair cut. Why the battle of the lockdowns started with people protesting hair care, I don’t know. I haven’t had my hair cut since January (and it is a lot of hair now), but I am not dying from it, you know?

In The Stylist, we are going to have people dying from getting their hair cut. Okay, they don’t die from the hair being cut actually, it is usually the other parts of the body that get cut that really does the job.

But maybe the whole movie is a metaphor? A quiet virus waiting to strike in the most unlikely of places? Let’s run with that.

Yeah, I’d be nervous with anyone behind me trying to cut my hair. Claire (Najarra Townsend) is a quiet hair stylist. She is good at her job. People often compliment her skills. She doesn’t force extra small talk, but does what is required. Hell, some people love her for that, because they can do all the talking.

But Claire also, you know, sometimes, if the feeling is right…kills her clients. You know, ones who wouldn’t be repeat customers, or who wouldn’t have people looking for them, and don’t know they are at that specific shop. Thank goodness these women like to say so much personal stuff to someone they don’t know!

Claire doesn’t just kill them though. she does the full descalping, making sure the hair that was cut is preserved and then she can wear it herself! She can pretend to be another person, yay!

The plot of this movie comes about when one of Claire’s normal clients, Olivia (Brea Grant), is in desperate need of a new stylist for her wedding. This puts Claire into her social circle, with new women friends, and into Olivia’s home. What’s a murder stylist to do, you know?

It would be creepier if she worse the face too, we all agree, right?

As already mentioned, The Stylist potentially picked the perfect time to come out during the virus issues that have plagued the US this year. But really, any movie coming out now has picked a bad time to come out, so it is a hard balance.

The Stylist was based off of a short of the same name, same director and star, and led to a successful crowdfunding campaign to make it into a full film. In this film, we figure out what is going on with this stylist, why does she do the things she does (sort of), and all of this leads to a logical conclusion by the end.

Because it is a logical conclusion, it does take away some of the weight or shock of its impact, but I am a little disappointed in that what is happening can be predicted with ease.

The film shines in its early moments and in the general creepiness of the lead, when she isn’t even going for creepy, but because she is atypical in her actions that is how it comes across, digging her deeper into despair.

I know so little about hair styling for weddings that I had to ask my wife, “Wait, why would someone get their hair done days before the wedding, don’t they sleep and get messed up with pillows?”. Ah test styling. That is a thing.

Overall, this is a film that works well when focusing on the strong lead acting and strange nature of her job and uh….side job?, telling a story that is believable for the most part, but little shocks along the way.

2 out of 4.

One Cut of the Dead is a Japanese independent film from the last year or years, it is hard to say. It has had a weird road to distribution.

Made with mostly unknown actors and for a ridiculously cheap budget, it made back over 1,000 times its investment, which is a pretty goddamn unheard of percent for movies. I know it was hitting festivals and getting a lot of good buzz, and then at one point it was…put on Amazon!

But, it wasn’t supposed to be put on Amazon. Someone had an older unfinished copy, and just put it on Amazon prime for free. Did you know you can just do that? It is apparently really easy. And one it was on Amazon, many people rushed out to see it, and tell other’s to see it because it was a critical darling. The same day, news came out that the people who own it didn’t upload it, it was unfinished copy, and to please not watch it while it was worked out.

Well shit. That kind of screwed over a lot of things.

Anyways, at this point it is on amazon again, but for money, and the right version. So you can watch it and feel confident someone involved is getting money for it.

Like this guy who is holding the camera!

One man had a vision. Director Higurashi (Takayuki Hamatsu) had the idea for a zombie film, an idea that would be so scary and amazing. But his shitty actors were not giving him enough emotion.

We are talking take, after take, after take, and it just is not good enough for the director.

So while he went to go cool down, and the actors relaxed and got to know each other, normal stuff between takes. But something odd happened. Some sounds from the outside. Some…limbs from outside. Oh shit, real zombies! in the middle of their zombie film!

Now the director can get some real emotions out of his cast.

Also starring Yuzuki Akiyama, Harumi Shuhama, Kazuaki Nagaya, Hiroshi Ichihara, and Mao.

Those zombies aren’t going to double kill themselves!One Cut of The Dead is a unique film, there is no one who can deny that. In fact, it is so unique, it is also equally hard to even talk about it because it is a film that should be discovered, not spoiled.

And yes, the idea of spoiling can be kicked around enough, but trust us, the critics, me, when we say, just gotta go in some times to see the journey.

I couldn’t believe what the film managed to do and convey. It is extremely impressive, given the lack of budget or names involved, even from a Foreign film perspective. It required a lot of work. It required planning. And it required people who were creative as fuck. People who really had a vision and executed it perfectly.

One Cut of the Dead is a comedy more than a horror, and it will be hard to find something more unique than it before or after for awhile. Not even an American remake will likely be as unique. [As of writing, no plans for American remake, but sorry for jinxing it should it change in the future].

It is definitely an experience, and I watched it directly after Train to Busan! A very different foreign zombie film that is top notch in very differeny ways. And yet, this one still was able to stand out on its own.

4 out of 4.

To start this review, let’s talk about Underwater as a concept.

What does it mean to be underwater? Usually, someone who says that they are underwater means they have water above them. And they are rarely actually under water while speaking, because that is hard to do when surrounded by water.

But if you have water over you, there is a good chance you still have more water under you too. Right? To be under something you really just need to be under a little bit of it apparently. You can be completely surrounded by water, so why would you be so weirdly specific in order to just say you are under it?

Seems ridiculous. Speaking of being ridiculous and not super specific, let’s get on to the review.

Not much water surrounding these folks!

As you will try to read very quickly at the start of the film, as newspaper headlines/taglines/regular lines flash across the screen with the occasional strobe, there are big underwater research/drilling sites. Super big, bottom of the ocean, with drills going far down. Why? Energy or something. And I guess some earthquakes are happening and weird things. But we don’t have time for that.

We only have time for Norah (Kristen Stewart), who is contemplating what it means to exist and sleep and work, when the explosions immediately start rocking the ship. Panic, running, and immediately she helps save the day by blocking the water from blowing up the whole place. Norah, along with some stranglers she meets (Mamoudou Athie, T.J. Miller) make it up to the escape pods, and darn it, they are already gone.

She does meet the captain (Vincent Cassel) and some more crew members (Jessica Henwick, John Gallagher Jr.) and realize they don’t have much time to get out. The top is collapsing. The bottom is flooded. They make a quick plan to descend to the sea floor, get int these sweet underwater suits, and walk a long distance to an older station that should still have some escape pods. It is their only chance.

But what caused the explosions down there? What made the horrible sounds in the last drill recording, what is banging on their walls, and what is out for their blood?

Not great for speed swimming, but good for not blowing up purposes.

I expected Underwater to be much worse than it actually ended up being.

I saw a giant standee for it a few months ago and sent it to my wife that it would be bad. It had T.J. Miller on the standee, third name! What? The Bomb threat guy? The one who beat his girlfriend? The drunk and wants to fight man? Why is he in a movie right now?

Oh, turns out this was made in 2017, before a lot of that, and took forever to come out.

Now surprinsgly, it wasn’t completely terrible. Miller was terrible yes. And the film early on had an issue where it refused to let the audience fully react to scenes or let us see how characters got out of a jam. Quick jumps in time, that gets us through potentially boring struggles I guess? One quite annoying one had them crashing to the sea floor on a ride, hurrying to get the door open to jump, and then the next instant they were all on the sea floor running. What the hell? Where’s my jump?

A lot of the film uses the dark depths and hard to distinguish up/down to its advantage to confuse the viewer. But honestly, the monsters were really a cool design. I love what they did with them. Reminded me of underwater ghost vampires in a way, and sure, Cthulhu in another.

This film gets straight to the point at the beginning, and isn’t a long run time. It is relatively predictable, but it has some sweet visuals that can produce some scares and some relatively fun moments.

2 out of 4.

I was told a few warnings about Climax before watching it. Not about actual content, but more about the director, Gaspar Noé.

A controversial fellow, Noé has done plenty of films that I have never seen and shorts I have never seen. Apparently Love was very graphic, but I never got around to it.

I can expect a movie called Climax to be graphic. It is sort of there, in the name. I can hear warnings about French film, but that is really hard to put into one box.

No matter the warnings I received, none of them were really enough and none of them could really explain just what I was getting myself into when I decided to finally check out Climax.

And I felt. fabulous! No, wait. The opposite of that word!

In this movie, we have a few people who are getting a dance troupe together. Selva (Sofia Boutella) is the lead dancer of the troupe, and is working with someone else to pick people for their group and the music. I won’t tag anyone else in it, because everyone else is professional music people/dancers in some way only, and that is why they are in this movie.

The movie opens with a big, long dance sequence in one shot that is interesting, but strange. No wait, before that they show clips from fake interviews with these dancers on questions they asked before joining the troupe. No wait, before that, we see a woman bloody running in the snow. Oh.

After the big dance number, we get to see people talking. People dancing. Some interactions between a few of the characters. Back and forth talks between just pairs, making you really strain to pay attention to the plot point of the film. This is where you get backstory, kind of, sort of! After that confusion ends, we go back to dancing and people interacting.

But, the dancing gets stronger. The people get angrier. The people get weirder. Oh no, someone spiked the sangria and a lot of people are now going on a bad trip.

And then a lot of bad stuff happens the rest of the night, resulting in some deaths, some rape, some deaths, some uncomfortable moments, some sex, some dancing, and some other gross unfortunate terrible moments. Hooray!

Hooray?

I think I definitely did more of a plot description than normal compared to other films. And it feels justified.

There are quite obvious from the conversations early on that seem to be the main focus, and some of the characters who are definitely less of a nice person. The interview portion is completely forgettable after the dance, and probably should be rewatched for clues now that you know the characters better. But it is a huge struggle early on to remember what aspects of what characters were told and are important, with there being such a big cast of dancers and the conversations going so quick.

Now, once the tone shift happens in the film, and everyone starts to get on the bad trip, it definitely gives an uncomfortable feeling to the viewer. Oh no, bad things. And guess what? Basically every bad thing you can imagine happening, based on the earlier conversations and events, totally does happen.

It is very predictable in regards to probably the three worse things that occur in the movie. And this is a wildly gross and sometimes scary film, but having the worst/grossest parts easy to guess seems odd. Basically, if it could go bad, it does go bad.

I will admit, I first just assumed everyone was going to die in some extreme ridiculous ways, and not a lot of people die by the end. But no one is super happy by the end. People have been violated, or killed, or threatened, or raped, and it is just uncomfortable moment after uncomfortable moment. And the whole time we are getting a constant trance background beat, with some characters constantly screaming in the background. We get a power outage and thus, more darkness, a “scarier” hue to the whole thing, and even more bad stuff.

It has a lot of uncomfortable moments, but at no point does it feel worth it. Like you should have to see it, like any character deserves their fate. It is just basic exploitation for the sake of.

And what the hell. There were like, three times in the first half of the film where we got opening credits. I don’t know what was going on there.

0 out of 4.

There was quite a lot of nostalgic hype for Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark when it was coming out. Well put together trailers, books come to life, all of that.

Now, unfortunately for me I never read the stories so I didn’t ride the hype train. Fortunately for me, I am a critic and shouldn’t read the source material first. I definitely read some other non-Goosebump series of stories in 3rd or 4th grade, that had sequels, but I couldn’t recall those titles.

Despite that, it looked really good from the trailers from what I saw. A horror movie aimed at families and kids, without relying on slapstick jokes every other sentence. Kids should have entryways into horror, and this looked like something I would show my own family and creep them the heck out.

Ah, a haunted house, how original.Got a small town? Then you probably got a haunted house.

This small town is like many others. Notably white, jocks can do whatever they want, rampant racism, and more.

So our main group of friends (Zoe Margaret Colletti, Austin Zajur, Gabriel Rush) run into this Hispanic dude from outside of the town (Michael Garza), and because he helped them, they are now best buds.

And so of course they take him to the local haunted house, what else are they supposed to do so close to Halloween? And sure enough, they find a secret passage, maybe a torture room, one with a nice book. So our lead takes the book to read later!

And weirdly enough, the book begins to write stories so she can read a long. This seems to match up with some kids disappearing. Very scary. Oh no, are they all going to die now?

Also starring Kathleen Pollard, Lorraine Toussaint, Natalie Ganzhorn, Austin Abrams, Gil Bellows, and Dean Norris.

I couldn’t tell you why this was scary, but it did look fun. Ahh, stories!

I will give this movie props for one thing. It killed off kids and/or made them disappear forever, and we do not get a resolution out of that. Oh they tease a sequel on trying to fix it, sure, but no in movie resolution. Those. Kids. Are. Dead.

And most of the kids in the movie, outside of the bully, are main characters! They didn’t just kill off a lot of side kids and leave our fab four, no, they were gutted as well. And movies for this age group rarely do that. Since this movie is based on an anthology of short horror stories, they could have done whatever they wanted, and they went the darkest timeline.

And yet, for me, it did bore me a lot at times. The stories were okay. I’m sure they were ones in the book. But they didn’t do a lot in order to make them super relevant to each other or the plot, but instead random happenings and creeps. Some of them were based on their real life town, some based on stories they heard as a kid, and some based on absolutely nothing. They could have done a lot better job at meshing them together.

Overall, this film had a singular goal as far as I can tell, besides nostalgia money. They wanted to scare my kids, and yes, they did succeed at that.

2 out of 4.

It’s Spooktober, so it is time to watch a lot more horror movies and actually get off my ass and review them. Especially if those horror movies aren’t super mainstream, because I will be honest, there aren’t really any coming out this month? Where the hell are the horror movies? Is it too cliche to come out in October now?

Satanic Panic came out last month to VOD, and I am surprised it didn’t get a theatrical release. Based on the name alone, it could have gotten a lot of people in the theaters.

Comedy horrors don’t always pack the seats in, and its mostly unknown people, and sure maybe religions groups would boycott, and maybe it wouldn’t get an R rating as easily if it planned to go to theaters. Oh okay, I guess it makes sense to be straight to video.

Here is the panic!

Gypsy (Arden Myrin) is just down on her goddamn luck. She has a little scooter, just got a job delivering pizzas, but really has no other assets. She needs money for gas and to build up funds to finally better her life. But it turns out, people suck at tipping and delivering pizza is a lame as hell job.

And Gypsy gets really annoyed when she delivers a really big order to a mansion, and gets absolutely nothing extra. Shit. She is almost out of gas. She can’t find the guy who paid for the pizza, but barges in anyways and sees some sort of meeting going on, led by some sort of inspirational speaker, Danica (Rebecca Romjin). Lot of red.

Next thing she knows, she is locked in a room with some man (Jerry O’Connell). She is going to be part of a ritual? To be sacrified? For a demon?

No way. That’s all made up shit. Rich people are crazy.

Also starring Hayley Griffith, Ruby Modine, and AJ Bowen.

Here is the Satanic!

Satanic Panic is very graphic, as graphic as the name implies it should be. Gore, sex, creepy ritual shit. A lot of deaths and red. It is not something those with the faint of heart would watch. But of course, it is a comedy, the extreme nature of these deaths is part of the fun and the reason you’d want to see.

The characters involved are all okay. They give appropriate levels of freakout and evilness. It is definitely a film where the women are here to shine showcase their talents.

Overall, it is exactly what it set out to be. An enjoyable experience, with a lot of surprise deaths. I will note that being a pizza delivery person appears to be a very unsafe job. We had this VOD film about them, and last year we had another VOD film in Slice. Why do they gotta scare us so much of the time as delivery people? I don’t want to be killed when I am just trying to make a buck.

3 out of 4.