Tag: Adventure

A score of “religious” movies have come out recently. A month ago we had Son Of God, God’s Not Dead somehow elevated from made for TV B-Movie status to a wide theatrical release and next month is Heaven Is For Real.

But Noah is something completely different. It is directed by Darren Aronofsky and he was given complete directorial control over the picture. That’s right, the guy who directed The Fountain and Black Swan is taking on the Bible.

This won’t be a simple story and in all likelihood, it won’t be like anything you read before.

Hah. The joke implying that I have actually read a book before.

For one thing, the entity that created the world pre-flood is always referred to as “The Creator.” I won’t tell you all the differences because that would ruin the fun.

Let’s just say that the Adam and Eve story is basically the same, and the Cain and Abel happened the same way too. Noah (Russell Crowe) is a descendant of Seth, the third son of Adam, while the vast majority of civilization is a descendant of Cain.

These men have pillaged the world, draining it of its natural resources and animal friends. Noah has tried to protect his family from their corruptness, keeping them to a mostly nomadic lifestyle. Then he gets a vision. He believes the world will be cleansed by water and he must build an ark to save the animals upon it.

But if Man is the problem, can he save others? Is he even allowed to save his family or himself?

Jennifer Connelly plays his wife, Logan Lerman, Douglas Booth and Leo McHugh Carroll are his three sons, Emma Watson his adopted daughter he finds along the way, Anthony Hopkins his grandfather, and Ray Winstone his main enemy.

There is also a very strange massive man wet dance number in the middle.

Here is a pro-tip. Don’t drink a lot of fluids in theaters while watching Noah. It is a movie about a giant flood, which also occurs about halfway through the movie. Given the length of the movie, you might have some uncomfortable feelings before you reach the end.

Since the flood occurs so early, the second half of the movie is mostly human drama aboard the ark. Because of the drama, the ending does seem to drag on a little bit.

I thought Noah was awesome. The movie was visually stimulating. It was beautifully shot and the CGI elements weren’t terrible. The acting from the leads felt great on all accounts. In particular, I really loved the story of how Man came to be from the Creator in six days. It is a famous tale, but the way it was shown from start to finish in this movie was pretty unique.

However, at times I still felt the movie was just a tad bit too long. There are also certainly going to be people upset with the movie due to its loose interpretation of the source material.

Noah was definitely a much better movie than I thought it would be. It told a good story, wasn’t pushy with any messages, had great acting, and was visually pleasing.

One thing the movie could have used? More puns. Just imagine this ending. The family finally makes it to land. The wife says “Now we can spread out and repopulate the earth!” Her husband turns to look at her and says: “Yeah, I Noah.”

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

That is the question I ask myself, heading off to see Pompeii. But first, maybe some back story!

When I was an undergrad, I majored in Geology and History, with a focus on Ancient Rome. Clearly, the perfect crossover for research on both subjects would be in Pompeii, Italy, where Mt. Vesuvius exploded in 79 AD, wiping out an entire city and basically freezing them in place like statues. It is perhaps my FAVORITE historical event ever and I have been waiting forever for a movie version of it.

Unfortunately, Hollywood has churned out a few “historical” tales lately and they have been some of the worst movies I have ever seen. I am looking at you, The Legend Of Hercules! So, no, I don’t know how I will be an optimist about this.

Mr. Eko, why must you die in everything?

Hmm, where do we begin? The rubble or the sins? The sins of course! The rubble is the second half!

Pompeii is a strange movie in that we already know how it ends. Everyone dies right? Huge explosion. It is sort of like a disaster movie, but also a historical film. They have an advantage here too, where they can kind of just tell any story they want to and then end with everyone dying and no one can say they are wrong.

In this story, a Roman Senator, Corvus (Kiefer Sutherland) in 62 AD takes out an entire Celtic village who were showing resistance for a trade route, with his bodyguard Proculus (Sasha Roiz). Well, they missed a kid, who later gets caught my slavers, and 17 years later he is now a really good fighter. He was trained as a gladiator, because why not.

As luck would have it, this Celt, Milo (Kit Harrington) is packaged up from his small time market and sent to the bigger leagues in Pompeii! There a lot of coincidences happen, such as meeting the fair Cassia (Emily Browning), basically a Pompeian princess. Her parents (Jared Harris, Carrie-Anne Moss) want to expand Pompeii with Roman money, so they have to put on a show for a senator, which just so happens to be Corvus.

So, Milo is in the same city with the people who murdered his whole tribe! Too bad he has to also fight Atticus (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje), who is about to earn his freedom if he gets one last victory.

Oh, and of course, while all of the human stuff is happening, Mt. Vesuvius decides to get its boom boom on and explode for a ridiculously long time, causing a lot of destruction. During the climactic finale, the walls kept tumbling down in the city that we learned to love. There were great great clouds that rolled over the hills, bringing darkness from above.

Then a lot of people died.

Oh look, Kiefer is in a movie where shit is going down in less than a day. Huh.

I was left to my own devices to really analyze this movie.

So let’s start with the story! Gladiator redemption is always a nice story to choose, just like in Spartacus and Gladiator. Most of those movies give our heroes a lot more time to work with, in terms of training, and battles, and eventual redemption, so time was the real enemy here given the explosive finale. I think it did a decent job at conveying it all quickly, with the appropriate motivation for most of our main characters. The battle scenes themselves were generally pretty awesome, although some felt a little bit too close to Gladiator.

The effects from the volcano were also decent, not amazing, just decent. During the ending, it became more of a hindrance as there were possibly “too many effects” going on at once, that it all felt choppy and a bit blurry, so that was disappointing.

In terms of acting and dialogue, it kind of went all over the place. A few scenes felt repetitive and the quick love didn’t feel right to me. Sutherland appeared to actually be acting in this movie, so he stood out more than normal playing the pompous jerk.

I think it would have been a sexier movie if they added some other historical relevant material. Maybe a cameo involving the only real story we know associated with this eruption with Pliny the Elder and Pliny the Younger.

Overall, Pompeii didn’t blow me out of the water as much as I hoped it would. I am also grateful that it didn’t poop all over the walls either. I plan on visiting Pompeii in my life, hopefully sometime in the next year. When I get there, I hope I can just close my eyes and have it almost feel like I have been there before. But until then, I can only speculate and use this film as a source for how it might have felt.

Eh. Eh oh. Eh oh.

All Is Lost.

I don’t know a lot about this movie, but I am pretty sure it is about feeling hopeless and giving up. This would make it the polar opposite of the film, Never Back Down. I do know it was getting some Oscar hype but only appeared in the indie theaters an hour away, so I never went to see it. I also found out it was directed by J.C. Chandor, who has only ever done one other film, Margin Call, which I loved.

So, I guess that is a positive. Woo!

Shit son, that looks calm as fuck. Why are you so hopeless?

In this survival drama, we have one character, and very very little dialogue. You are going to be mostly left with scenery, special effects, and one man, (Robert Redford). His name isn’t given, so instead of just calling him man, I will just keep calling him Robert Redford.

The dialogue that exists mostly comes from the first scene of the boat, where Robert Redford is writing in a journal and we get some narration. Then we find out why he is drifting hopelessly in sea, by switching to 8 days earlier.

His boat crashes into a shipping container, floating in the ocean. We have a leak! This Robert Redford fellow is like MacGyver, very knowledgeable, and he quickly tries to fix the situation. Unfortunately, a lot of his communication and navigation equipment gets damaged. A boat is nice, but not knowing where you are in the ocean is scary.

What then follows is 90 more minutes of more and more shit progressively hitting the fan, as problem after problem occurs. Storms, capsizing, fires, damaged supplies, all of that.

You will feel hopeless if you pay attention to the movie. How long could you survive if you weren’t as smart as Robert Redford?

This is only like, two layers of shit hitting the fan at that point. I don’t want to spoil too much after all.

If anything All Is Lost is an intense film and certainly not for everyone. If you only have a short attention span, it might not be able to catch your grasp. If you really need dialogue to keep you interested in a movie, it might not be your cup of tea. If you want more than one character, then you are shit out of luck.

All Is Lost is definitely a beautiful film, and a nice film to see Robert Redford too. He has been on an upswing lately, not acting a lot in the first ten years of the 2000s, but in a lot more films recently, and it is good that he is willing to still try different and new things at his age.

I think the film was nicely made and decent, but I also know I never really want to see it again. I do like dialogue and hate it when I get nothing. All Is Lost makes me feel feels, but not feel feels that I will probably be able to recreate. After I know how it ends and learn what happens, I don’t think there is enough to entertain me as much a second time.

Sorry All Is Lost. Good luck on winning uh…Best Sound Editing.

When I first heard of The Lego Movie, sometime mid 2013, I will admit I thought it was stupid. I know Lego has been revamping itself pretty intensely for the last decade, being more than just a child’s toy. With so many themes, and now video games based on movies, it is no surprise they are making a movie based on a game.

When I first saw the trailer? I was immediately hooked. This became one of my most looking forward to movies in the first half of 2014. Shit, it was even done by the guys who did Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs and Clone High. Those guys know comedy and they also know their pop culture references. Combined with an idea that has stuck its fingers in most pop culture references over the last few decades, and you have the potential for a storm of success.

See! One of these guys is excited about the storm of success!

In this story, our hero is one Emmet Brickowoski (Chris Pratt), who lives in the city and does the same thing each and every day. He follows the instructions on the box, lives his happy life, and builds things. There is absolutely nothing unique or special about him. That is, until he meets Wyldstyle (Elizabeth Banks), who is about to turn his reality upside down and change his life forever!

She introduces him to the Master Builders, other Lego people who can see from the world around them and build creations quickly and without instructions. Like Vitruvius (Morgan Freeman). He also learns that President/Lord Business (Will Ferrell) is going to unleash some power called “The KRAGLE” on the population in a few days, destroying everyone’s way of life forever!

From a series of accidental circumstances, Emmet is being labeled the “Special” and all of their hopes to saving the day are coming down to him. He will also have the help of other Master Builders like…Batman! (Will Arnett), Benny the 1980s space guy (Charlie Day), Metal Beard a strange huge pirate (Nick Offerman), and Unikitty (Alison Brie). Also, a Good Cop / Bad Cop (Liam Neeson) is working for Lord Business to capture the builders on the war front.

Shit, there is a ton of cameos too, which I won’t tag on the bottom, but might as well mention here. They also have Channing Tatum as Superman and Jonah Hill as Green Lantern (because, 21 Jump Street), Cobie Smulders as Wonder Woman, Shaq as Shaq, Billy Dee Williams and Anthony Daniels reprising their roles as Lando Calrissian and C3P0, and Will Forte as Abraham Lincoln again. His first time as Abe was of course, Clone High.

But you don’t care about them. You all just care about Batman. Don’t you?

Wow. Just wow.

Easily, the first thing that should be talked about is the animation style. They went full out wild with this, wanting to insure that everything always A) looked like Legos, and B) looked like how Legos moved. [Editor’s note: Some contention as to whether or not LEGO is supposed to be pluralized by an S, given it’s company name. They might prefer ‘LEGO Bricks’ if you do multiple ones. Well, I say fuck that, we call them Legos in America]. So yes, the movie could be considered a bit choppy to get all the movements right, but that gave it charm and personality and made me giddy the entire time. Watching waves or an explosion, but noticing they are all still lego pieces is incredibly exciting.

It was also pretty hilarious. I love pop culture as much as the next guy, but I do think their humor relied far too heavily on the fact that they were using major properties, such as Batman. Batman was in this movie way longer than I would have imagined (longer than any other already existing property). Although he was funny too, they were all specifically Batman jokes, and rarely just joke jokes. Most of the main team had their quirks, but none were as trademarked as Batman.

I also feel like parts of the ending were a bit…forced. Shit went real different at the end, kind of ruining the pace for me. All of the sudden, bam, we got a lesson to learn from this movie. I think it went far too long and took away from the film a bit.

I still really like this movie though, just the slowed down ending and over reliance on specific characters is what disappointed me. It was hilarious, creative, and shit, the animation itself is almost worthy of 4 out of 4. Honestly, I have a hard time believing there might be an overall better animated film the rest of the year. But it still had some faults for me. Even if Everything Was Awesome.

Twin Films. Dopplegangers. Mirror Movies.

These are all terms to describe what happens when two movies about the same subject matter come out around the same time. Last year we had White House Down and Olympus Has Fallen, and surprisingly they both had their merits. Usually one of the movies is clearly better than the other, or they both are bad. This year is the battle of Hercules.

The Legend Of Hercules comes out 5-6 months before Hercules which has The Rock attached to it.

Unfortunately, after having now seen The Legend Of Hercules I can say that there is no way that these two movies fit the Mirror Movie formula. No, it fits an even darker and more sinister phenomenon. Whenever a big (usually CGI/Animated/Family) movie hits, there is usually a much lesser, straight to DVD version with a similar name (if not identical), that was rushed out to cash in on people buying the wrong version. I am talking Chop Kick Panda versus the real Kung Fu Panda stuff. You know, movies that the grandparents will accidentally buy.

The Legend Of Hercules feels like it should have been straight to DVD and never mentioned to anyone.

Yes, I would deprive you of those abs.

I know I never compare movies to the books they are based on, and really, what is Greek Mythology but really old books? But in order to understand the plot of this movie, you first need to cleanse your mind of everything you know about Hercules. Every little thing. The only thing about this movie that is like Hercules is the fact that he is a son of Zeus.

In this movie, King Amphitryon (Scott Adkins) has just conquered a new kingdom. He is a powerful and strong warrior, but also a huge jerkface. His wife, Queen Alcmene (Roxanne McKee) thought she could change his war like ways with marriage and with a son, but no, every day he wanted more and more power and she feels like she has helped create a monster. So she prays to Hera to help find a solution. Hera’s solution? She is totally going to let Zeus impregnate her, to make a second son, who will one day save the kingdom.

Wow. Thanks gods. Ask for a solution, get one in 20-30 years.

After a very special wind and rain storm, Hercules (Kellan Lutz) is born! However, Amphitryon has his doubts about the son’s origins, and makes sure to make his life a living hell, while also reiterating that his first born son, Iphicles (Liam Garrigan) is his real heir!

Many many (many) years later, Hercules is totally in love with the Princess of Crete, Hebe (Gaia Weiss) and she loves him back! So when Amphitryon declares that Iphicles (These names are the worst) is to wed her in four months to bring their kingdoms together, Hercules gets mad, and then gets sent off to fight a war and basically die. Hercules would rather not die, win the war, and return and take back the woman he loves, while also hurting his step-dad and half brother. Violence solves everything back then.

Also starring Liam McIntyre as some random commander Sotiris dude, and Rade Serbedzija as Chrion. Yes, Chiron is a human and not a centaur.

In this scene, Hercules is filled with bloodrush, and declares war on weather.

As you know already, The Legend Of Hercules has nothing to do with Hercules or his legends. Lutz is most well known as playing a brother of Edward Cullen in Twilight. Although not technically the same genre as Twilight, the two movies are actually similar. They take a story and turn it “darker” while changing everything about it and add in some romance. Basically, what they with Red Riding Hood. Fans of those films are what this movie was made for and no one else.

The CGI was gods awful (that’s a pun, due to the setting) and looks like stuff out of the 1990’s. I have my hunches that the entire movie was done in front of a green screen, even the scenes where the actors were swimming. I bet outside of the 7 tagged actors, everyone else was fake. The bad graphics made it so that I could never really connect to the movie. The film tried very hard to use as much 3D as possible but almost every time it was in a tacky way.

The acting is dreadful, but that is to be expected when your biggest star is Lutz.

The story was hard to follow at times, because every single scene was rushed in order to move the train-wreck forward.

The movie is rated PG-13, so the action scenes aren’t going to be as cool as they could be, making everything seem subdued.

It took the worst elements of 300, Troy, and Immortals (which itself was a bad movie and had Lutz as Poseidon) and crammed it into this CGI suck fest that will never be worth any price of admission.

If anything, the good news that this movie exists is that we already know one of the movies that will top the 2014 Worst Movies list. I hope this doesn’t mean bad things for Pompeii next month.

The first trailer for The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty is probably one of the best trailers of the year. Watch it, if you haven’t.

The next one was far more typical of a trailer, but it was still decent. Even better, the song in the trailer was actually used in the movie, a rarity these days.

The only thing I knew about this movie is that it took forever to get made, and it is based roughly on a short story written by James Thurber in the 30s. The next decade, it actually had a movie adaptation as well. I am pretty sure this is nothing like the short story, but eh, who gives a shit.

Look at all the fucks I give about the short story.

Walter Mitty (Ben Stiller) manages the negative assets of the Life magazine department. I don’t know what that means, really, but it involves receiving the print rolls of cameras, and using the negatives to put in the magazine. He only has one employee, Hernando (Adrian Martinez), so it is pretty slow, and only one photographer still uses an actual camera. That photographer is of course Sean O’Connell (Sean Penn), a freelance photographer, and one of the best in the biz.

However, when the announcement that Life magazine is switching to an online only format, with some asshat manager Ted Hendricks (Adam Scott) coming in to handle the downsizing, it is unfortunate that Sean sends what he calls the epitome of Life magazine and an image that must be on the front cover. Especially since he telegrams the heads of the office and inform them of it too. The only reason it is an issue, of course, is because the picture in question seems to be missing from the film.

So what is a constant day dreamer to do? Why, go and find Sean in person of course, even if it means traveling halfway around the world to do so. At the same time, he is trying to build up his online dating resume, to do something cool with his life, to win the interests of one of his coworkers, Cheryl (Kristen Wiig).

Starring Shirley MacLaine as his mother, Kathryn Hahn as his sister, and Patton Oswalt as an overly helpful E-Harmony customer service representative.

I mean, I am a huge Adam Scott fan, but this beard is terrible.

Well, as expected, this movie sure was purdy. It had scenery from Greenland, Iceland, Afghanistan and more. Beautiful as fuck, really.

Not only was it pleasing on the eyes, both in terms of his fantasies and actual exploits, but it had a great soundtrack as well. Every time a new song played, it felt perfect.

Ben Stiller gets a lot of flack amongst my friends, but I always tend to enjoy him. I mean, did you see him in Heavy Weights? He treated this movie like a child, it being only the fifth movie he has directed. Everything really works together in this movie, and one of the best parts is that once the missing picture is found, it isn’t disappointing.

Sean Penn has only a small role in this movie, but his character was amazing in his only few scenes. Incredible impact for such little screen time.

As the film progressed, the day dreams became fewer and farther in between, and you get spoiled by most of them from the trailers. During the long fight scene between Ted and Walter, the CGI was a bit shaky, I am guessing because there weren’t any other action shots to worry about.

Overall, The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty is a great feel good movie, about living in the moment, and doing something important with your life. Yay happiness!

Last time, when I reviewed The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, I didn’t get to see it in the 48 FPS 3D version until about a week later. But this time, times are a changing, and I can talk a bit about that too. I ended up liking the super detailed high frame rate for the first film, so I am of course excited to see right away this time.

But I am also stoked for a second reason. Now I don’t have to watch The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug twice within a week in theaters. I don’t care how good it is. Ain’t got time or money for that now. I don’t like to watch these LOTR movies a lot anyways. Once in theaters, and once eventually an extended version.

This picture does not do justice to how BAMF he actually looked on screen, 3D, 48 fps.

Plot outlines for this seems dumb. I assume everyone knows the story?

This movie starts out with Bilbo (Martin Freeman), Gandalf (Ian McKellen), and the Dwarven friends (Ricahrd Armitage, Ken Stott, and more) on the run, orcs still chasing them. Some stuff happens, and Gandalf has to leave again to go figure out some necromancer stuff.

This causes the gang to get in lots of trouble. Trouble with spiders, and then the wood elves (Where we meet Legolas (Orlando Bloom), and Tauriel (Evangeline Lilly), who totally gets the hots for a Dwarf. Odd!). Some escapes happen, they eventually get to Laketown, meet Bard (Luke Evans), sort of help an uprising, and get their way to the mountain! After all, they only have so much time to get there, before the secret entrance is no longer revealed.

Then we finally meet a dragon, Smaug (Benedict Cumberbatch), who just wants to get his sleep on, but bitches be burglin’, so he has to get his rage on.

“Damn it Bilbo, I will not draw you like a french girl. Stop asking!” – Smaug

The term desolation might not mean what it used to mean. With a title like that, and if you already know The Hobbit story, you then know when this movie is going to stop at.

But you’d be wrong.

After seeing this movie in theaters, I left with an overall bad taste in my mouth, definitely something I didn’t see coming, and rather unfortunate, due to the size and nature of this movie.

I should reiterate, I don’t care what the the book story is, and the sideplots they added from other source material to make these movies. More interesting plot lines never hurt anyone. But this movie is called The Hobbit and subtitled The Desolation of Smaug. A better, more descriptive title would have been Legolas Kicks Ass, and then they meet Smaug. Which is all this movie felt like to me.

Sure, there was a cool spider scene. The barrel escape was nifty. But plot line wise with this film, you would find a hard time figuring out what actually gets accomplished. Once they introduce Legolas, they almost forget about the other characters, and focus on how amazing he and Tauriel the other elf are at fighting. It becomes just a Legolas show when he is literally running around Laketown and taking out a whole Orc invasion pretty much on his own.

Smaug was very badass. That is very clear. He was a well made CGI creation, probably one of the better dragons I have ever seen in a CGI movie. The best scene in the movie for me was the initial encounter between Smaug and Bilbo, when Smaug toyed with Bilbo as he ran through the treasure piles. But eventually he felt like nothing more than a cheap cartoon villain, or something, once the Dwarves got involved and start to mess with him.

I understand that this movie is part of a series, but I felt like this one has done the worst job at still telling a complete and actual story. Each of the LOTR stories felt complete. Yes they had more to do, but they ended at appropriate points once the current biggest baddest climactic point was finished, the ones they were building up to for each film. An Unexpected Journey ends after a series of skirmishes, a close encounter with death, and the dwarves finally learning to accept Bilbo.

This movie LITERALLY ends right in the middle of a fight. What in the fuck. Is this Lost? Is this some show that needs cliffhangers? So instead of getting a complete story, I get part of a story. A 160 minute part of a story.

Here is a third picture, to give you a better scope of this movie.

So what is the main complaint? I guess, somehow, it is their change from 2 to 3 movies. A problem I didn’t have with the first one, but I believe in this one becomes very very apparent. This entire movie, save for a few scenes, felt like filler, working towards the third, probably more exciting and conclusive story.

I will reiterate, Smaug was great. The barrel scene was way better than I could have imagined. The spiders were interesting. But everything else just fell flat or felt repetitive. I felt no fear from the Orcs the entire movie. The appeared, they died, they kept appearing, they kept dying.

Peter Jackson might thing he is infallible now, given the original success, and other successes of stuff like The Adventures of TinTin, but for this film I think he reached too far.

Frozen, not to be confused with the survivor horror movie of the same name, is the first Walt Disney Animation Studios film since Wreck-It Ralph. You know, because Planes was made by a lesser Disney studio, not their main one.

It is also based on “The Snow Queen” by Hans Christian Anderson, which explains why they gave they call this movie that over in Europe. Anderson is kind of a big deal over in Europe. I have only heard bits and pieces of “The Snow Queen,” so this film will be a complete surprise story wise for me!

LOOK. TWO WOMEN. TWO DISNEY PRINCESSES. SUCH MADNESS!

Frozen is about two sisters, Elsa (Idina Menzel) and Anna (Kristen Bell), both princesses in their castle home. However, the sisters are quite different. Elsa, the eldest, was born with magical powers: the ability to make ice and snow from her hands! Anna is completely ordinary in the magic regard, but she has a big heart. Unfortunately, after an accident, Elsa is forced to remain hidden from the rest of the world, for they will not be able to understand her powers. This means she also is kept as a secret from her sister.

Years later, Elsa is set to officially become the Queen, meaning the Castle is opening its doors for one day only. Surely nothing can go amiss in a single, nice summer day?

Well, her secret rears its ugly head and she accidentally sets the city in eternal winter! During her escape to live in the mountains alone, she also accidentally traps all of the visiting ships in the fjord (first time used that word in a review) It is up to Anna to save her! And Hans (Santino Fontana), a prince she just met and totally got engaged to in a day, and Kristof (Jonathan Groff), an ice maker who lives alone with his reindeer Sven. And Olaf (Josh Gad). A magical snowman. Don’t worry about him.

There are also trolls! And an evil Duke (Alan Tudyk), which would be the third villain played/voiced in a row for Tudyk, after Wreck-It Ralph and 42.

I wonder if he is going to warm her icy heart with a cool island song?

It turns out that Frozen is basically a full-fledged musical! Hooray! It features eight unique songs (although the length of a couple are pretty short) and one amazing reprise of a song. Of course, like all Disney movies with singing, most of them are in the first half, with the second half left to just plot development and action.

I was also a bit worried that this movie would tease us like Disney did with Enchanted, by casting Menzel but not letting her actually sing a song. Thankfully, she got a solid 2ish songs overall (one full one, and two shared ones). Bell is given most of the singing work, and she really knocks it out of the park with her voice.

I was amazed at the world that was created for this movie, which showcased the beautiful snowy (and summery) landscapes that Finland/Norway had to offer. The ice effects from the Queen were gorgeous and really popped from the screen, but not in a gimmicky way.

Story wise, I don’t think this has actually anything to do with “The Snow Queen” tale that it is based on, so it is practically a new story that will seem fresh to audiences.

Frozen did have some annoyances. While watching, more and more characters seemed to be added to the adventure, knowing at least a few of them served just as a way to sell toys, but that is the way Disney works. The animation style for the human characters felt a bit off from the rest of animations in that everyone looked like a literal doll character. It was like an improved version of the style used in Barbie: Life in the Dreamhouse. Yes, I have seen an episode or two of that show for comparison sake.

Overall, I really enjoyed every other aspect of the story than the few parts I listed above. It does a great job of avoiding cliches. The film surprised me over and over as I couldn’t tell where the story was taking me.

Plus, this film isn’t about some man coming to save the day, it is about sisterly love in the face of adversary. Okay, well, I guess there are some male heroes still, but that is beside the point.

Frozen is the last animated movie of the year (unless you actually include Walking With Dinosaurs) and a must watch for people who enjoy happiness.

Shit, I don’t even know the name of this movie. On IMDB, on the internet, on other reviews, on wiki, everyone lists it as just plain old Crystal Fairy.

But the DVD and DVD Cover state Crystal Fairy & The Magical Cactus. Who do I believe?!

The reason I am watching this movie is because of the director, Sebastian Silva. He made a movie, in Chile, with Michael Cera as one of the lead roles, named Mirror Mirror. While he was there living with his family, Silva I guess decided to do another movie. This one, still set in Chile, but with Cera as the lead role. I guess this director dude just really really likes Michael Cera.

Who wouldn’t with a smile like that?

As I said, this movie takes place in Chile, and like the other other movie that takes place in Chile (Aftershock), there is only one white character with a bunch of Chilean friends. Jamie (Michael Cera), is your typical American tourist. Not much is given on what he does normally, how long he is there, or what. But we know he likes to party, wants to drugs, and even more so, drink from the San Pedro cactus that grows in this area. It is a bit rare, I guess, but it might have some hallucinogens in it if you make it right (like, 9 hours of cooking), and it is supposedly like a trip like no other.

He was heading on a few day trip with some friends, Champa (Juan Andres Silva), Lel (Jose Miguel Silva), and Pilo (Agustin Silva), to acquire a cactus and drink it on a beach and experience that feeling, but the night before hand he meets Crystal Fairy (Gaby Hoffman).

While on crack, he loves her and invites her along, despite his friends warning him not to. Well he does. And he regrets it.

She is a free spirit with no money and he finds her annoying. But his friends, to be frank are finding him a bit annoying as well. Fucking Americans.

But really. Will his trip end with the trip he has always wanted? We will see.

Did you miss the naming convention of the other guys on the trip? Yep. All of the director’s sons.

So the director likes Michael Cera, and puts his sons in his movies. I mean, Agustin Silva was in Magic Magic as a guy named Agustin. Crazy.

But Gaby Hoffman is the weird one. She looks familiar, and I don’t know why. So I look it up! She was the little girl in Field of Dreams. The one who helps with the creepy prophecies. Well, you will be happy to know she is super naked in this film, a lot multiple times, fully, and if that doesn’t make you feel awkward knowing full well you know her most famous role, then I don’t know what will.

I believe this movie did a good job of giving a realistic portrayal of a trip which is basically the last 30 minutes of the film. I hated Cera and Hoffman, annoyed equally at them, and their behavior towards each other, which means they are acting their roles perfectly.

But I can’t help feel like this movie just didn’t really do anything, despite the good acting, and the almost interesting story line. I wanted more. Not more awkward scenes, just more reason to care.

Another day, another Milestone Review.

That’s right, welcome to my 950th review for the website! The only thing really special about this milestone is that it is super close to a real, actual, super duper milestone, at 1000! That review I have been planning for awhile now.

But for now, I am going to talk about Journey 2: The Mysterious Island. I did Journey To The Center Of The Earth as my 850th, because I am a Geologist, and damn it, I wanted to talk a lot about the bad geology and strangeness of that movie. But once a franchise gets suckered into the Milestone review category, it is really hard to get out. Thus a sequel! A third one is coming out eventually, so hopefully that lines up nicely for me.

Speaking of nice, this movie is about an island! Hell yeah. That means it won’t distract me with a bunch of bad geology. I might even be able to enjoy it?!

Oh for fucks sake.

This movie takes place a few years after the first film. Sean (Josh Hutcherson) no longer has to talk about his uncle, because well, he does’t live with his uncle. That was a one time thing. There are zero references to Brendan Fraser in this movie. So he is back to living with his mom, who has finally gotten married, to Hank (Dwayne Johnson). Probably one of the best possible upgrades for adult male star.

The thing is, Sean doesn’t want to hang out with him ever. He is getting into trouble in school, with the local lawmakers, you name it. But why?

Because secrets.

Turns out Sean has been hearing a signal broadcasted by satellite in a code, and he is pretty sure it is from his Grandpa, who hasn’t been seen in two years! He is now a full fledged Vernian, and by golly, Hank was an intelligence person with the Navy. So he helps crack the code, which appears to hint the location/existence of The Mysterious Island. Apparently the same island as Treasure Island and an island in Gulliver’s Travels! Whoa! Collusion between authors! So, fuck it, they somehow convince the mom to let them go and find the dang island, as a way of bring them closer together.

At the island, they find only one man crazy enough to take them. Gabato (Luis Guzman). What? How did Luis Guzman get into this movie?

[This space left intentionally blank]

Turns out he doesn’t have a boat, but a helicopter. Oh well, it will do. He also has a daughter, Kailani (Vanessa Hudgens), who also happens to be around the same age as Sean. How lucky!

Well, they get to the island, but through crash landing. Apparently there is a storm always around it or near it, hooray protection. Too bad they don’t have a way off the island. Looks like the only way they can think of is to first find the grandpa, and use whatever he has to get out. Right? Right?

Well they find him (Michael Caine) pretty easily, it will just be a few weeks before his transportation happens. Shit. Oh well, time to explore then, eh?

Aw yeah, mother fuckin’ ruins and shit.

Through whatever bullshit book source they decide to give us, not only do they determine that this island is home to Atlantis (see above), but it also sinks down to the bottom of the ocean every hundred something years. Of course, plenty of time to do research.

Until Navy Intelligence Speicalist Hank takes the case! No dog, there is salt water in the middle of the island in puddles around Atlantis. For it to get there, the sinking must be early. They probably only have a week or so to get off the island. Well shit. Better hurry on up then.

“No guys seriously, I was in the armed forces for my brains not my brawn!”

So they rush. Oh yeah, what makes this island actually magical or cool? Well, normally big things are small, like a tiny elephant, and normally small things are big, like bees or lizards. In fact, they can ride the bees and the bees are totally like “Oh yeah that’s cool, fuck it, hop on.”

Shit. Luis Guzman and The Rock share a bee. That is some strong bee muscles. Well, turns out after a night of sex appeal and Rock serenading on a ukulele, his calculations were incorrect.

No. They only have mere hours before the island sinks. Oh nooooo!

Not so subtle sex appeal for a PG movie.

So they search for The Nautilus, the submarine from that one book. You know the one. But other bad things happen, like getting split up, and getting greedy. Because shit, that volcano is over a huge gold deposit, and thus gold is all around the base. You will never guess which character makes it his mission to retrieve the gold before the island sinks.

To be fair, they have noble reasons.

Sean and Hank find The Nautilus, but it is off the coast and under water. Shit. Thankfully they can hold their breaths forever, and successfully get down to the submarine. But it won’t start. Oh man, its been inactive so long, it needs power.

If only there was some way for them to get power down there?

Needless to say, things work out, and we are set up for part 3.

So first of all, you can tell this movie really wanted to sell its 3D aspect to the viewers. I didn’t get to see it in 3D, just Blu-Ray, but they have a lot of silly shit fly at your from the screen, and it is really obvious even in the just Blu-Ray version.

Need an example? I found this awesome gif.

To be fair, that was also one of my favorite scenes in the movie. Kid wants to know how to get the ladies. Apparently the correct way is by flexing the pecs back and forth. True. I am falling in love the more and more I watch it, and that shit was hilarious.

I can say without a doubt this movie is better than the last. Now they have an established story line. The first film has the problem of trying to exist in a world where the book…exists. So it isn’t telling the same story, but still does a lot of the same events in that story.

In this one, they don’t worry about telling The Mysterious Island story, they make their own across multiple books. It is just a lot more interesting and less annoying scientifically.

For this one, science wise, it is a bit better, but of course none of the biological implications of the island are explained, the storm, or how it actually can just go up and down every hundred years with no one noticing. Outside of magic.

But it is a lot more amusing and a lot more pretty than the first one.

And again, sorry to Mr. Fraser, but Mr. Johnson is far better suited for this and interesting.

So yeah, this movie isn’t a complete shit storm? Go figure!