Tag: Comedy

Fuck this movie. Just, get it out of the way. During The Nut Job I predicted Legends of Oz: Dorothy’s Return would end up being the second worst animated movie of 2014. I was wrong. At this point, I don’t see how there could be anything worst than this trash of a film throughout the rest of the year. No way. No way at all.

It was so many levels of shitty, I don’t think I can properly spend time explaining it all, so I made a short play to try and explain it all.

Here are most of the characters. Not of the play, but of the shitstorm movie.

Executive 1: Alright, we need a sure fire hit for the company. We got about $70 million in budget, and we want to cover ALL demographics. We want the nostalgia, we want the kids, we want songs, we want jokes, we want it all.

Executive 2: We gotta get that Glee girl involved. She is relatively free with the dead boyfriend news being almost a year old now.

E1: Yeah, get her to be the lead!

E2: How bout we do another Wizard of Oz movie? That one last year was pretty well received, and they didn’t try at all!

E1: Brilliant! Who doesn’t love the Scarecrow and Tin Man and Lion! We can make a sequel. Bring everyone back!

E2: But sir! We are out of villains! All the witches are dead!

E1: Shit, we can’t just have them having fun and going on an adventure. We need excitement!

E2: Well, we could get Ralph, our idea man…

E1: Ralph? That man is a wild card, shit, just saying his name three times tends to get him involved.

(Just then, Ralph busts in the boardroom door, pen and paper in his hands).

RtWC: FUCK THIS! WILD CARDS DON’T NEED TO WAIT THREE TIMES! HERE IS OUR MOVIE.

BOOM. FIRST OFF, DOROTHY’S HOUSE GOT FUCKED UP BY A TORNADO. LET’S MAKE THE VILLAIN BE AN APPRAISER WHO KICKS HER OUT OF THE HOUSE. ALSO, LET’S CHANGE THE LOOK OF HER AUNT AND UNCLE. HER AUNT HAS TO BE YOUNGER, HER UNCLE NOW BALDER. IT WILL WORK.

E1: Yeah people probably won’t remember the look of the outside non Oz characters.

RtWC: ALRIGHT. LET’S GET HER BACK TO OZ. WE NEED TO UP THE NOSTALGIA. FIRST THING WE SEE ARE HER FRIENDS, ALL FREAKY AFTER THEIR NEW BRAIN HEART AND SHIT. ALSO, FLYING MONKEYS. WE NEED MORE OF THEM.

LET’S SAY THE WITCH HAD A BROTHER. BUT HE IS A JESTER, BECAUSE THE WITCH IS A BITCH. HE IS EVIL NOW BECAUSE OF THIS STUFF. WHY NOT. HE IS ALSO OUR COMIC RELIEF. FUCKING JESTERS.

ANYWAYS, SOMETHING WILL GO WRONG, DOROTHY WILL HAVE TO MEET NEW PEOPLE.

LIKE A FAT OWL THAT CAN’T FLY AND IS SMART. AND A MAN MADE OUT OF MARSHMELLOWS. A PORCELAIN DOLL. THEY HAD THOSE LAST MOVIE, LET’S DO MORE OF THEM.

E2: Is the Jester going to have a stupid death like the witch?

RtWC: I DON’T KNOW, LET’S NOT WORRY ABOUT THE END TIL WE START FILMING. HERE ARE SOME PLOT POINTS. ANGRY APPLE TREES? BRING THEM BACK, BUT THIS TIME LET ONE OF THEM KILL HIMSELF FOR DOROTHY.

THEY ARE GONNA TREAT HER LIKE ROYALTY EVERYWHERE SHE GOES. IN FACT, LET THE FACT THAT SHE IS DOROTHY SOLVE 95% OF HER PROBLEMS! THE PORCELAIN DOLL? LET’S HAVE A TIME WHERE SHE BREAKS APART AND EVERYONE THINKS SHE IS DEAD.

E1: Now now, looking into your other notes, I see have written down here that the doll breaks a bunch of porcelain suitors, who then go on talking and living lives, just need to be glued back together to walk again. Why would anyone think she is dead?

RtWC: BECAUSE WE WILL INEXPLICABLY MAKE HER NOT TALK AND JUST LIE THERE POST CRACK, DESPITE HAVING HER WHOLE HEAD GOOD WHICH SHOULD IMMEDIATELY ALLOW HER TO DISPEL ANY OF THOSE THOUGHTS.

E2: Are any of these new friends going to serve a purpose to her journey?

RtWC: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? THAT’S JUST FOR MORE MERCHANDISING! I WANT POINTLESS CHARACTERS AND TIE-INS. I WANT FAKE DRAMATICS. I WANT EVERYTHING TO HAVE AN EASY SOLUTION AND THERE BE NO REAL THREAT TO OUR CHARACTERS.

LISTEN, ALL WE NEED IS AT LEAST ONE REALLY BIG NAME, SAY PATRICK STEWART OR MARTIN SHORT. THEN WE CAN FILL SIDE CHARACTERS WITH OLDER, NOT AS FAMOUS PEOPLE. LIKE DAN AYKROYD, JAMES BELUSHI, KELSEY GRAMMER, OLIVER PLATT AND HUGH DANCY. THEN GET SOME “FRESH FACES,” LIKE BERNADETTE PETERS AND MEGAN HILTY. WE MAKE THEM SING AND DANCE, AND CAN DO IT ALL FOR PROBABLY $20 MIL WITH OUR ANIMATION QUALITY.

E1: Hey, we have $70 million on the table! Where would the other $50 million go?

(The three men look at each other, smile, and agree to greenlight the movie).

Anyways, that was probably terrible. But it was still more entertaining than this trash. I didn’t even begin to touch what didn’t make sense with this movie. Just. Fuck.

Finally, a movie that can relate to almost anyone. Neighbors. Hey, I have had neighbors most of my life! Some people live on farms in the middle of no where with no real neighbors. Those people aren’t the target audience for this movie though. I doubt they are anyone’s target audience really.

Also it is the first big comedy of the summer. Last year we got This Is The End as our first big movie (because I am just making shit up now and ignoring other films, like The Hangover 3. Let me make up this imaginary point, jeez), and that one set a bar too high for most other comedies to follow.

Can Neighbors do the same?

Not with these squares trying to act cool. Nope nope nope.

Mac (Seth Rogen) and, Kelly (Rose Byrne) are adults! They have finally done it! They created a human from their love and they have a house!

But then they got…grr…neighbors! They thought it would be a lovely gay couple. No, it was a frat house. How’d they get a house in the middle of a residential neighborhood? Who knows. But they are stoked, because it is time to party. Their president, THE Teddy Sanders (Zac Efron) and a VP of Pete (Dave Franco).

Mac and Kelly try and be cool about it all. Sure they have a baby, but as long as they are cool, the frat will probably try to keep it down. The frat is willing to be friendly with them, as long as they don’t call the cops ever, just them first.

Well, they call the cops eventually after a party that won’t end and won’t get quiet. That makes the frat angry. They decide to rage war on their neighbors, as they have messed with the wrong frat. Then shenanigans happen. Shenanigans!

We also get Christopher Mintz-Plasse and Jerrod Carmichael as frat guys. And Ike Barinholtz and Carla Gallo as friends of Mac and Kelly. And Hannibal Buress as a cop! But his role is limited.

When there are multiple De Niros, you will never know who is talking to who.

I have long talked about how great Zac Efron is in past reviews, and it is still true here, so I won’t talk about it more here. Seth Rogen is very much like his normal self, so I won’t talk about that more here.

Instead, I will talk about Rose Byrne, who was absolutely hilarious in the movie along with the rest of the cast. I realize I rarely praise the female in a comedy, but she really held her own against some of these other professionals of comedy. She doesn’t do comedy much, outside of Bridesmaids I really can’t remember anything, so it really came as a big surprise to me.

The film definitely has its moments. The one De Niro scene had me in stitches, and reminded me a bit of the seagulls in Finding Nemo.

It was a good show from an all-star-ish cast with hardly any downtime in between laughs.

Yay moms.

Hopefully if you are a mom, you also know you are a mom. I hear sometimes guys finding out they are dads a year or many years later, and that is unfortunate. So I have to assume that is true for some moms too. I’d be a shame to not know you were a mom for like, ten years.

Anyways, the movie Moms’ Night Out is meant for those moms who know they are moms.

MOVIE QUIZ TIME: One of these characters is not a mom in this movie. Can you guess which one?!

Oh being a mom. The world’s hardest job, apparently. It is harder than being a dad, because it involves measurably more vaginal stretching.

Just ask Allyson (Sarah Drew)! She is a blogger and a mom. A mom blogger. But she actually doesn’t actively write. Too busy momming. Has three kids and a husband (Sean Astin) who travels a bunch. You’d think Mother’s Day would be a restful day for her, but nope, kids. Even church is hectic! Her spirit animal of hope is Sondra (Patricia Heaton), the pastor’s wife (Alex Kendrick). She definitely has it together, no stress at all. Just a rebellious teenage daughter.

Allyson’s other friend is Izzy (Logan White), another mom of two. Her husband (Robert Amaya) is afraid of tiny children for whatever reason. He is very traditional and doesn’t want to ever look after his own kids in the nicest way possible.

After the disastrous mother’s day, Allyson decides to organize a Moms’ Night Out. Just moms, make the dads be the moms for once, so the moms can just be carefree ladies. Yeah! Fancy restaurants! Bowling maybe! No responsibilities! But when her (sister-in-law? Half-sister?) Bridget (Abbie Cobb) gets involved, and they find out her baby is missing because her boyfriend (Harry Shum Jr.) left it with a friend, well, then oh buddy oh gee whiz. That ends up just being the first of many problems! Oh poop. Why can’t they ever have just a night off? Being a mom is just so gosh darn turrible.

Also staring David Hunt as a cab driver, Kevin Downes as an “irresponsible gaming friend” of Sean, and Trace Adkins as a tattoo artist.

Unlike the last picture, this one features zero moms.

Moms mom mommity mom mom. That is their target audience with this movie. It does glorify “moms”, yes. But mostly the stay at home mom. The mom who also helps serve her husband mom. The mom who is in charge of doing most of the kid activities while the husbands get to play games and work a job. That’s right. This is a movie has a very old concept of what it means to be a mom. One of the four moms, I guess, has a job, but only part time because her husband is more of a slacker.

Basically, this movie is secretly a religious movie. The guy who plays a pastor? He did those movies like Courageous and Fireproof. He didn’t do this one, he is just in it as an actor playing a pastor. Big role move for him there.

I’d say this movie is almost offensive in that regard. In fact, they made the moms feel mostly frantic and unable to handle anything that came their way. They made the moms kind of feel pathetic. This elevated the side characters like the cabbie and the Trace Adkins into amusing roles as they ended up doing a lot to help and save the day. So the get the jokes, they make me laugh occasionally, which is what saves this movie from being completely terrible.

Sean Astin and Kevin Downes play characters named Sean and Kevin. Come on guys, try a little. I am not saying that shouldn’t allowed, but in this case two characters had their real names, which is redonkulous.

For sure, do not take your mothers to see this movie.

There comes a time in every movies life when it needs to pick a genre out of a hat and just run with it. Sometimes, they get genres accidentally stuck together when it comes to be their time, so they might get odd combinations like “Thriller Comedy” or “Urban Sci-Fi”. In the case of Stage Fright, it was able to pull out “Horror Musical”. Sure, musicals could be in really any genre. But even the ones with “darker themes” such as Rocky Horror Picture Show or Little Shop of Horrors or Cannibal! The Musical are all just actually musical comedies. I guess the closest we have right now is Repo! The Genetic Opera. But that is all sorts of weird.

So can Stage Fright be the musical that is also truly a horror?

Well, it has a horror musical veteran in this, so why not?

The movie starts with the worldwide premiere of The Haunting of the Opera, which is a fake Phantom of the Opera, obviously. Similar plot and all. It’s star is miss Kylie Swanson (Minnie Driver), who was killed after her opening night wonderful performance. Awkward. She left behind two kids, Buddy (Douglas Smith) and Camilla (Allie MacDonald). They are taken in by Roger (Meat Loaf), the director or producer or something of the original musical and long time friend of Kylie.

Then, ten years later. Roger has started a musical summer camp for kids to grow their talent and put on shows, to teach everyone that musicals are great! Camilla and Buddy are not campers, they just work in the kitchen. But the camp this year is putting on their own Japanese inspired version of The Haunting of the Opera. That is terrible. But Camilla feels strangely allured to it. She wants to audition for the lead role, like her mom did, and truly honor her.

Yadda yadda yadda, other people want the part. We got an annoying director (Brandon Uranowitz), another lead lady (Melanie Leishman), a weird lead actor (Ephraim Ellis), and a head tech guy who likes Camilla (Kent Nolan). Oh, and eventually a killer starts taking out parts of the cast and crew. Shit, again? What’s up with that? Is that musical haunted or something?!

Haunting musicals can make women fall into trance. A modern day snake charmer, really.

Well, turns out this musical, like the others, really isn’t too scary. Nope, but it does half original music and actually a decent number of laughs! Maybe horror musicals are just inherently funny, because it is hard to take it too seriously when people just belt into song?

There actually weren’t too many original songs in this, just a couple, and then a song from the musical that gets song a few times. But the songs that they did make up were very entertaining/clever/funny. So props to them there!

I find it funny that I can’t think of anything really else to say analysis wise. Not really scary, but the gore existed at some points. The killer isn’t a big shocker. But I am just so happy that they tried to do something like this, and it was decently amusing, that hey, it gets a nice grade.

The Amazing Spider-Man 2 is technically the first big budget movie of the summer, because April doesn’t count as summer. Take that, Captain America: The Winter Soldier. And what a packed summer it is! Or at least this month, in which we see two Marvel franchises, neither currently owned by Marvel.

Either way, the first one I thought was a good reboot. I was still shocked like everyone else when they announced that there would be at least four movies in this franchise, one released every two years. So you can look forward to The Amazing Spider-Man 4 in 2018. It also will have two spinoffs at least, Venom and Sinister Six, presumably in the off years. Although they will just feel like more of the same I assume.

I have absolutely nothing to follow that informative, yet boring intro.

Spider-Man! It is a few years after the first film, now time for graduation. Peter (Andrew Garfield) is conflicted over his love for Gwen Stacy (Emma Stone). He promised to not get her involved, it could hurt her. Sure, at the end of the first movie he didn’t care, but apparently now he does.

So, a yearish after that, he is still saving the day, but now in college. I assume a community college or something, maybe online classes, because you never really see him doing work for it. Some would say he is wasting his potential, but those people don’t know he is Spider-Man.

Either way, his old friend from middle school or so, Harry Osborne (Dane DeHaan) has returned home. His father, Norman (Chris Cooper) is dying of a genetic disease, so Harry is going to get it too probably. That isn’t Harry’s only problem. He is also now head of Oscorp, the board hates that and wants to get him ousted as soon as possible.

Lot of shit going down. Not to mention a poor nobody Max Dillion (Jamie Foxx) is killed while working at Oscorp, his body being electrified in a horrible accident. Oh what’s that? Electro. And he has a beef with Spider-Man and the city too. Oh hamburgers.

Also starring again Sally Field as Aunt May, Campbell Scott as Peter’s dad, and Paul Giamatti as a Russian criminal turned Rhino.

I think I actually got shocked during this fight scene. 3D Effects are amazing.

Just like the previous film, this franchise just seems to “Get it”. They get what it means to be Spider-Man, how cool it is, and the entire strength of his character. This is mostly portrayed in two points of the film.

Point one: His wit. Spider-Man talks with the public and the bad guys as he swings around, offering the quick joke or two and not taking life too seriously until it gets dire.

Point two: The fights. Holy crap the fights. The action in this movie is just so fucking incredibly Spider-Man. So good, so good. We get to see Spider-Man use his agility and webs to maximize his chances of victory, against stronger and slower foes, and against quick foes too. He has to use his brain to develop strategies for beating enemies. He uses Science! We get to see his Spider Senses help determine his plan in a combat. It is just so gleeful. Maybe worth the price of admission.

But this movie has a lot of faults too. The plot is a lot thinner than I would have hoped. Too much of the movie is Peter moping around, not being awesome. We just had the origin story, the sequel is supposed to allow for a lot more action and awesome. Since it is over two hours, having two big villains shouldn’t be an issue, as it is closer to the comics that way anyways. But still the ending villain fights feel a bit rushed.

I knew how the ending would go I guess, and man, it still rocked me. I thought it was a well done interpretation. That is all I will say on that note. The movie feels a lot like a comic too, and I don’t know how to describe that better. But the plot also moves sometimes at strange paces. Somehow Peter finds out a secret laboratory that his father had made. But the clues that lead to it seemed completely random, and they didn’t really have a good way of explaining how he made those leaps of logic.

Oh well. The action? Really really fucking good. The plot? Ehhh. I do like how they started the Electro character. That way feels pretty new. The Goblin could have used a bit more work and time I think.

The Other Woman?

Huh? Didn’t I review this movie already? A few years ago in 2009 starring Natalie Portman. Oh sorry, that was called The Other Woman, not…wait, okay yeah, same title. I guess that one was a drama.

Apparently it is a popular title though, because there was also The Other Woman from 2008, The Other Woman from 1995, and The Other Woman from 1992. Damn, a lot of ladies being cheated on by women up in here. To compare, I only see one other movie called The Other Man, which I also reviewed. I guess that just means men are pigs, and women rarely cheat in a relationship?

“There’s the gu- GET HIM!!!!”

Carly Whitten (Cameron Diaz) is a high powered lawyer. But don’t worry, her job isn’t at all relevant to the film. She starts seeing Mark King (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau), it is great. They are exclusive, she doesn’t want to sleep around, she finds no faults.

Until she finds out he has (record screech) a wife! Kate (Leslie Mann) is… well a house wife. No job because he pays for it all, doing business stuff, and no kids. Just boredom. So she doesn’t have many friends that her own either. So once the cat is out of the bag and they figure it out, she turns to Carly to rant and to scheme.

THEN THEY FIND OUT HE HAS ANOTHER LADY! Amber (Kate Upton), a young, dumb, blonde.

Hell, there might even be a fourth. No spoilers.

But the three find each other and decide they can want to get even and ruin him. After all, the three of them combined means they might be able to get that one man. Err.

Also starring Taylor Kinney as the brother of the wife, because why not, and Nicki Minaj as a receptionist, because they hate us.

Here are your heroes. Walking. Being women.

First of all, I think this movie was designed to fail Bechdel Test for the entire length of a movie. I don’t think there is a scene that doesn’t involve women talking about men. That’s the whole movie.

Second of all, fuck Nikki Minaj being in this movie. Her role is pointless, it was a role that could have gone to anyone, and her nasally talking voice doesn’t help. Related? Kate Upton’s role in this film is also basically pointless. Literally, could have been no one, because she had barely any lines, despite being in half the movie.

Third, the ending was terrible. Their plan was…really simple. There was no intrigue to it. It happened. The guy got owned. And then the movie basically ended. A lot of build up to the moment without a lot of payoff.

So, why the rating?

Leslie Fucking Mann. She was hilarious in this movie. Cameron Diaz was meh. Somehow Leslie Mann though was off the chart and saved this movie from being a shit show. I am shocked as you. I never expected that I would praise her role in a movie, but there you go.

Very basic story, rent it on Red Box eventually for Leslie Mann.

Here is a fun fact! At the current theater I go to see movies, there are only two franchises that have fit a very specific criteria. That criteria is me seeing the first movie and its sequel in the same theater. The first time it happened was with the first two hobbit movies, but it is debatable that it counts given LOTR.

The other two, obviously, are A Haunted House and A Haunted House 2.

Guess this franchise has a special little place in my heart. Awww.

Oh, it also has Gabriel Iglesias. Way better than Nick Swardson.

This movie takes place immediately after the first one. Basically, it quickly deals with Kisha (Essence Atkins) then moves to a year later. Malcolm (Marlon Wayans) is now dating a white woman (Jaime Pressly) who has kids (Ashley Rickards, Steele Stebbins) and about to move into a new place with her.

Guess what? Fucked up shit starts happening again. There is a doll. There is a strange box. There are invisible friends. Shit is haunted again.

Of course no one believes him. Even his past friends Father Williams (Cedric the Entertainer) and cousin Ray Ray (Affion Crockett) seem unwilling to help.

Also staring Missi Pyle and Hayes MacArthur as a priest and a psychic couple, and Rick Overton as a professor of demonology.

This is not the first nor the second time in movies he has done a scene like this in a movie.

This could be the first time I saw a horror spoof of this nature and actually saw everything it parodied. The Possession, Sinister, Paranormal Activity, The Conjuring, some Insidious. Maybe more!

Look, this movie isn’t Oscar gold. It also isn’t perfect. But it has a lot of funny moments in it regardless. Shit, it also had some scary scenes in it. I didn’t expect everything that happened.

Really, Marlon Wayans puts a lot of his self into these movies. He actually has to do a lot of physical stuff in some of it. Sure, parts of it are just gross overexaggerated/long/ridiculous sex scenes. But he definitely gives it his all, leaving nothing on the table. Not everything works. No, it feels about 50-50 to me. But the things that did work had me laughing like crazy.

It has its share of poop jokes, of course. But not everything is a bad poop joke.

This movie, like its predecessor, is still miles ahead of the last few Scary Movie movies. In terms of Horror spoofs, it isn’t on a tier similar to something like Tucker and Dale VS Evil, but it has its niche and it is pretty good at filling that niche.

Ahh, Nerd movies! Not movies nerds would like. Nope, movies about nerds. The first two over the last few weeks were Lloyd the Conqueror then Knights of Badassdom. Now we have Zero Charisma. Given the way my site has been going lately, it only seemed natural that I had to watch and review this bad boy as soon as possible.

It even has a clever title. Zero Charisma. That tells us a lot about the movie. We are going to be dealing with someone very unpleasant, so get prepared.

Hah, who role plays without TVs or graphics anymore? What silly nerds.

Who is that unpleasant individual? Why, it Scott (Sam Eidson), who is overweight, living at home with his grandmother. He doesn’t have a job anymore, he got fired from the local gamestore. He wants to publish a game system he has been working on for a few years, but no publishers seem to care. But at least he has his weekly game group, yeah!

Except one of the regulars has to leave, because his wife is leaving him. Shit, hard to blame him then. But now he has a spot to fill, and no one wants to join the group because people kind of hate him. But then Miles (Garrett Graham) walks into the store. He apparently is into home brew campaigns, so agrees. Miles is great though, kind of a hipster. He is nice to people, has good stories, roleplays really well, and even created a nerdy website that is pretty popular. Shit. Everyone likes Miles, and not Scott, so Scott gets even more upset than normal. He even might…gasp…cheat.

At the same time, his grandma (Anne Gee Byrd) has a stroke, so his mother (Cyndi Williams) is staying in their house for the time being. She wants to sell the house, but that would make Scott homeless. She also hates his gaming, and makes his life even more unpleasant.

If Scott lashes out against everyone he knows, even his heroes, will even his best friend (Brock England) no longer support him?

Damn, Miles does look cool. Almost like James Franco. I’d rather play with him too.

One thing this movie definitely got right was the culture around RPGs in general. There are several types of people in this movie and they are all starkly based on reality. I guess you could call them stereotypes, but for us gamers, we all know someone like some of the people in this movie.

The main character is indeed an asshole, and he is an asshole the entire film. Many tantrums are had. Despite its level of “Realism” character wise, which a lot of indie movies do strive for, there is something else missing from this movie entirely. The entertainment aspect. Sure, early on, parts are entertaining, but it starts to dull out in my eyes and never really feels like I need to be watching it. Just a man digging deeper and deeper into his social outcast hole.

I’d be fine with that, depending on how it ended, but the ending came almost out of no where. The character showed a little bit of growth, maybe. But not a lot, and it seems like he was rewarded for being a jerk. He had to change his surroundings, but he is arguably in a better position by the end than he was at the beginning of the movie, so he basically learned nothing. So you know, its an okay movie. I guess.

By and large, the trailer for Draft Day is one of the worst I have ever seen. If you haven’t seen it, give it a watch. It is two and a half minutes. It is almost mythical the way they made that trailer. It is both a trailer that gives us the entire movie while also giving us absolutely nothing at all. It is truly marvelous to comprehend that achievement.

I guess that is a negative. A terrible vague yet overly detailed trailer. It also was advertised a lot, so I got to see the same identical thing over and over again. The concept became slightly infuriating. Basically, it had a huge uphill battle to prove itself an amazing movie in my mind.

Look at how fucking laid back they are about this movie. Clearly they don’t care what I think!

A lot is going on in Sonny Weaver Jr.’s (Kevin Costner) life right now. His dad died a few days ago, one of the more famous coaches of the Browns. Ali (Jennifer Garner) runs their salary cap number stuff, and it turns out she is now pregnant with his kid. It is also 12 hours til the NFL draft, and as the GM Sonny is told he has to make a big splash tonight at the draft or his job might be done. So sayeth the owner (Frank Langella).

Good. He has the 7th pick though. Right now his choice is between a running back that fits his teams system, Ray Jennings (Arian Foster), that is also the son of a former Browns player Earl Jennings (Terry Crews). So Browns royalty, the obvious pick. But Sonny really likes this defensive guy Vontae Mack (Chadwick Boseman), good at sacks, can stop many great players, just might have some emotional issues.

But thanks to all of the pressure he is facing, he ends up trading for the number one overall pick for his first round picks this year and the next two. Shit. Now he can get Bo Callahan (Josh Pence), a great looking franchise QB. Their current QB (Tom Welling) has bad knees and got injured early on their last season. This pisses off the coach (Denis Leary) who feels his job is on the line thanks to Sonny’s boneheaded decision.

Yeah, then a lot more drama happens. OH WHAT WILL SONNY DO? Ellen Burstyn plays the mother, Sean Combs plays Bo’s agent, and Griffin Newman plays an intern.

Didn’t you know there was constant arguing and drama right before a draft pick?

If you hadn’t noticed, there are no real NFL players or coaches or GMs talked about in this movie. All of the plot points related to the Browns are of course made up. Which is why seeing Crews/Foster there was a bit weird. Oh wait, 98% of this is made up. But they also mention Andrew Luck, and that is probably the only mistake they do I guess.

Garner’s character didn’t really seem to fit the normal stereotypes of a woman in her situation. She was really calm, which is generally not how I see her in most roles. It was strange.

What they ended up doing by the end was a bit clever, but not really too realistic either. Basically, there is no reason for a certain other GM to have done what he did and that is the only main issue with it.

So overall, it is an okay movie. I am surprised it came out in April, since it is clearly just a giant commercial for the NFL, romanticizing the whole thing. The NFL is next month, so I figured they’d make it basically the same day. Most of the teams mentioned were bad, maybe to drum up support, outside of the Seahawks. I also liked Boseman in this movie. Pretty crazy. I have seen him as a famous baseball player, now a made up football player, and later this year, a famous musician. Pretty exciting film roles for this guy is all I gotta say about that.

Rio 2. Did it need to happen? The first film, Rio, told a complete story. I don’t remember how I felt about the movie initially, but I quickly grew to hate it.

That’s right, I now hate the first Rio. The songs are terrible, the story is dumb. The songs are really really terrible. After one listen, I knew I could live without hearing them again (but of course I did hear them again). But whatever, I don’t have to dwell on it.

But it got a sequel because it made money, makes sense. Now they have a family of birds, doing family stuff, and living in Brazil full time. At least this time the plot won’t be an inability to fly.

No, this time it is an inability to be fly.

Tulio (Rodrigo Santoro) and Linda (Leslie Mann), the humans, are off doing human things. Roaming the Amazon rain forest, looking for cool shit. They stumble on some cool shit, but also some bad shit. I am literally done talking about them.

Needless to say, the bird type that Blu (Jesse Eisenberg) and Jewel (Anne Hathaway) are have a huge home in the middle of the rain forest, away from humans. I mean, after all, they had to come from somewhere right? That’s right, Hathaway actually voiced the same character for the sequel, unlike the travesty that occurred for Hoodwinked Too.

So they take their family and friends to find the lost tribe. Or whatever. Living in the Amazon! Yay! There they meet Jewel’s dad, Eduardo (Andy Garcia) and former lover I think, Roberto (Bruno Mars). Now that Blu knows how to fly, he has to learn how to really be a jungle bird if he wants to make sure his wife still loves him…?

Oh, and uhh. Nigel (Jemaine Clement) is back, wanting revenge. He also has a poisonous frog friend named Gabi (Kristin Chenoweth) who really loves him for whatever reason. And there are loggers. And there are parrots or something that share the forest with the Blue Mckaws.

All of the random ass bird and dog characters are also back (Jamie Foxx, George Lopez, Tracy Morgan, and Will i Am) and yes, they serve even less of a purpose in this movie.

These two, plus ant eater, plus parrots, plus loggers, means like, 10,000 villains.

Rio 2 is a strange movie. Like I just said, there are so many dang villains, it just felt excessive. Because of that fact, Nigel didn’t have a great send off. When his plan finally came true, it all was super rushed and then the movie ended.

The music for Rio 2 was a little bit better, but not amazing still. This franchise’s problem is singability. I don’t want to go and sing any of these songs later, just like the first one. Just all of them are so erratic. My favorite song was the Poison Love in which Chenoweth goes full Broadway crazy on hitting all sorts of notes. Yes, surprisingly, her character was the funniest of the whole film. She didn’t even have that much time in the movie either it felt like.

I think, somehow they went even more stereotypical than the first movie. There is even a big soccer like match with the birds, including announcers acting exactly as you’d expect.

Everything else was ehh. Was hard to keep paying attention to the film, due to how pointless the plot lines felt. I hope there isn’t a Rio 3 in the future, doing the Olympics or whatever in a couple of years. That will be stupid.