Tag: 2 out of 4

This may not be a popular opinion, but I am willing to say it: The original Carrie is not that scary of a movie. Or at least it isn’t scary anymore.

When it first came out it was probably shocking, sure. Part of the reason it would have been terrifying is not knowing the bloodbath that would occur at the end of the film. There was no internet, spoilers didn’t run rampant, people could watch it and actually see something new.

You’d be hard pressed to find someone who doesn’t know how the original Carrie ends. They might not know the finite details or how it occurs, but they know blood gets dumped on a poor girl, who then takes out a school who bullied her.

So why bother with a Carrie remake in 2013? The only real reason is to either change the story so that audiences won’t see the ending coming or ramp up the creepy details to a new notch in order to make it more of a horror film. You know, give us a different reason to remember her name.

“How do we make Julie look crazy?” “I don’t know…frazzle her hair a little bit!”

Carrie (Chloe Grace Moretz) came from humble beginnings. She used to be home-schooled, but the state of Maine intervened and forced her to go to public school. Not sure why. Her mom (Julianne Moore) was a perfectly adept teacher. She taught Carrie about Jesus, God, and she even gave her a nice tiny prayer closet under the stairs to “study” in.

Despite the fact that she is a senior in high school, she gets her period for the first time in gym class. Must be Satan at work in her loins. The other girls find her fear amusing, make fun of her, and promptly get in trouble by the gym teacher (Judy Greer). They have two options, put up with a week of grueling physical activity, or get suspended and miss prom. Clearly neither option is ideal, and it must be Carrie’s fault putting these girls in that situation.

Which is why the mean girl (Portia Doubleday) and her boyfriend (Alex Russell) do the whole dump pigs blood on her head at prom thing. That’ll show her.

That’ll show everyone.

Gabriella Wilde plays the nice “mean girl,” and Ansel Elgort her boyfriend.

Huh, she looks cute in red. Really, the reason anyone came to see this movie was to watch the prom scene and see the path of destruction that Carrie would lay in her wake. The rest of the film could be boring, but as long as the prom scene is excellent, the director will have delivered. The prom scene is longer in this version, there are more creative deaths with less hoses, and there is more destruction outside of the school, but miraculously a lower overall body count. Huh.

Basically, this film is identical to the 70’s version in terms of…well most things. Even the dialogue is basically the same, minus the upgrades in time/technology.

The few things that are changed are who lives and dies at the end, one other “twist”, and making the mother a bit of a masochist. Okay, a huge masochist, she loves that self infliction stuff. Basically their attempt at making the film a bit more creepy throughout.

Overall, I would say that this film was a bit disappointing in that it was made so similar to the first film (and maybe the book, no idea on their closeness). It really doesn’t add anything new to the mythology, and was made to upgrade a film literally everyone already knows the plot about. I hated most of the no name actors, but surprisingly I enjoyed Ansel Elgort as the nice boyfriend. He was so good at being kind to a weird red headed girl.

If you are looking for scary movies in theater for Halloween, unfortunately Carrie is your only hope. Somehow, this is the only horror movie the entire month.

2 out of 4.

Family Weekend I probably could have gone my whole life without seeing or even really knowing it existed. It wasn’t on my main dvd relese website, wasn’t in theaters, it is a film I’d have to have seen on accident.

So let’ just say that. Yeah. I saw it on accident. (Cough)

But it appears to feature bondage, so it already has that going for it.

The Smith-Dungy family is pretty unique, and yes they are one of those families. You know. Free spirited. Kind of. Alright, everyone has a unique personality that is set to 11. Emily (Olesya Rulin) is the oldest daughter and a champion jump rope speed jumping champion. Just ask anyone, like her crush Chris (Chase Maser), how great she is. She just qualified for states this weekend! But don’t ask her family. They didn’t show up to her competition.

Fuckers.

Her mom (Kristin Chenoweth) is now super busy doing business stuff, always on the phone or texting about work. Her dad (Matthew Modine) is too free spirited, an artist, willing to talk about too much and is just in general forgetful. She has an older brother Jackson (Eddie Hassell), who is gay (/faking gay) and and artists. Lucinda (Joey King), a younger sister, who is really obsessed with acting out as characters from famous older films for some reason, and a younger brother who likes animals and has a perfect memory.

Well, Emily decides that her parents need to relearn what it means to be good parents, like they were before, and must undergo some nice reconditioning, tied up for a few days, before they stop being such dicks. Chloe Bridges is also in this movie.

I always knew jumping rope would lead to adultnapping.

For a random movie requested for me to see, it wasn’t all bad. No, the plot overall went exactly where I thought it would go, and all lessons got learned, but the journey to end had its own twists or turns.

Kind of. Now I am just being vague, and I apologize, but this might be the quintesential 2/4. Not 2 out of 4 for being average, but by having equal parts I liked and disliked, turning it average. The former version is just average throughout, never really fantastic or shitty.

Olesya was pretty believable as an overachiever finally snapping and really wanting to do good, without realizing she has reached almost insanity. Her siblings Joey King and Eddie Hassell are both immediately forgettable, but since they don’t go away, they reach annoying levels. The parents are both pretty unique and interesting in their own ways, but of course they set up the dad to be the cool one and the one who is more willing to change. Despite making him more likable to the viewer, they are (for a little bit) able to allow us to feel some sympathy for the mom.

The unfortunate downside of this film is none of it just feels real or natural. It all feels fake, it just feels like a movie. The acting isn’t incredible anywhere, so I don’t think these characters actually changed, which just ruins the ending for me (which was a let down on its own). Hard to describe, but just doesn’t work on the most basic level. Despite that, I still enjoyed the idea of the premise, and some parts.

How many typos are in this review?

2 out of 4.

Aw yeah, technically my first review of a stand up special ever.

Why this one? Why now? Well, I don’t plan on reviewing stand up specials pretty often. Not only because they mostly just appear on Comedy Central/HBO first, or some guys website for $5. No. They are just strange to review. I don’t know if I can measure my laughing amount on a scale too easily. In fact, most of these I do laugh throughout, except the occasional odd one out. It would be too difficult.

So why this one? Well, Kevin Hart: Let Me Explain was given a theatrical run, not in my area, but it still got one damn it, and I didn’t get to see it. Like a bitter ex, I have waited for it to finally come out on DVD just so I could review it for this website.

That tight clothing got even tighter when the fire came out.

Turns out the Trailer was very misleading for what this movie was about. It shows he went on a world tour, got into shenanigans, and did comedy. Like most concert films, all of the performances/material are actually taken from one show, and yes, that show is usually Madison Square Garden. But in between songs/performances, we normally get to see the performers doing fun stuff around the world. Not in this film.

I’d say about the first 15 minutes or so started off with a skit, and then went into travel the world mode, where we saw him for a few minutes, do zany things around the world. Then the next 60 minutes is his stand up routine presumably uncut, all in one go without any breaks, then the film ends with some more running around in the credits. That is it.

So basically, it is just another stand up special. There is very little not stand up special, and I don’t get to see what the trailer is about 50% of. So those scenes in the trailer? Most of them appear in the dang credits, so as the movie was ending I was more confused than anything.

As for Kevin Hart‘s stand up, sure it was funny. Most of this hour was dedicated to really long stories about his fame and overreactions. Some hit hard, some missed. Oh well. After it is over, I can only really remember a few that I truly laughed at, but for a comedy special, having those moments is still gold and still worth it.

I am just disappointed there is nothing really unique about this whole affair, despite being in theaters, and the misleading trailer.

2 out of 4.

Machete started out as a fake trailer in front of the Grindhouse movies, Death Proof and Planet Terror. Robert Rodriguez decided that the fake trailer needed to be made into a real movie and Machete was born! A movie that was made on purpose to be bad, it had plenty of potential, but to me just felt boring. I wasn’t impressed.

I basically forgot about the franchise until they announced both a sequel and a third film coming down the pipelines. The sequel, Machete Kills just hit theaters, but the third film really caught my eye thanks to its title of  Machete Kills Again…In Space. With a name like that, this franchise can’t be that bad!

Yeah, it looks like he is about to kill it here.

After the death of his partner (Jessica Alba), Machete (Danny Trejo) finds himself at the wrong end of the law, blamed again for a murder he did not commit. To get out of the jam, the President of the United States (Charlie Sheen / Carlos Estivez) has asked him to go on a suicide mission into Mexico. His mission? To stop revolutionary/mad man Mendez (Academy Award Nominated Demian Bichir) from sending a nuke straight to Washington DC.

Sure, a simple enough mission, but there are a lot of factors that stand in his way. Million dollar bounties, crazed heart monitors, multiple personality disorders, priests seeking redemption, a hitman called El Camaleon, brothels, space scientists that know the future, a madam with a grudge, former friends, and clones stand between him and his goal.

There are so many celebrities, trying to list them all would be insane, but I will do it anyways. Telling you their role in the film almost seems like a disservice, and plus, you probably wouldn’t believe me. The movie includes Mel Gibson, Amber Heard, Michelle Rodriguez, Sofia Vergara, Lady Gaga, Antonio Banderas, Walton Goggins, Cuba Gooding Jr., Alexa Vega, and Vanessa Hudgens!

One of the best “jokes” in this movie is having Alexa Vega in close to nothing. Since he worked with her on Spy Kids 12 years ago.

As I mentioned before, Machete was trying to make a good/entertaining “bad movie,” in honor of all the poor quality B-movies of the 70s/80s. It is pretty hard film type to make correctly, the last one I really enjoyed being Black Dynamite. The first film had a lot of appropriate jokes for genre, but the overall plot and tone bored the crap out of me.

Machete Kills corrects these mistakes and more. First off, it was actually entertaining. Over the top action from start to finish and nonsensical plot lines that will cause you to stare at the screen in confusion. Normally that would sound terrible, unless terrible was the goal, in which case it sounds great! Machete Kills put a lot more detail into purposefully editing the film in a sloppy way to increase its humor potential. The film has a rampant disrespect for obeying the natural laws of our reality: where a broken car can drift 500 miles in mere hours, and where several days can pass in only 20 minutes.

Most of the jokes are smaller references or in the background, outside of the absurd characters themselves. Despite how outrageous everything is, the characters themselves for the most part are incredibly serious. After all, their lives are on the line. The movie sports a lot of death and violence, which is all packaged in creative ways.

Machete Kills improved a lot from the first film, but I think it still has a lot of untapped potential that it just hasn’t reached yet. Assuming the third film actually gets made, it might finally cross into the “So Bad, It’s Amazing!” territory that the series is striving for. As for now, it is not a must watch, but more of a watch eventually (maybe) type of movie.

2 out of 4.

I think it goes without saying that I picked up this movie to watch based on the title alone. Well, you’d be wrong, internet reader.

No, although tantalizing, the title of Sexy Evil Genius was not the reason I picked it up. I actually picked it up because it had five actors on the cover and I recognized ALL of them. Pretty shocking. So I figured, why not give this straight to DVD film a shot?

Here are two of those people now! Remember them? They were both on Buffy! The 90s, guys!

Nikki Franklyn (Katee Sackoff) is an interesting woman, the topic of our film, and the last person we get to meet.

Zachary Newman (Seth Green) dated Nikki in high school, and even eventually lost his virginity to her. But they drifted apart, she lied to him, and then dumped him, and he hasn’t seen her for over ten years.

Marvin Coolidge (Harold Perrineau) dated Nikki a few years later, they loved Jazz, played instruments together, drum circles, free spirit, beach bumming, the whole nine yards. Then she lied to him, dumped him, and he hasn’t seen her for years.

Miranda Prague (Michelle Trachtenberg) dated Nikki soon after Marvin, but now she was on Heroin, lying about stalkers, drugs, wild sex parties, you named it. Her relationship started on lies, and continues the whole way through, until Miranda broke up with her after too much.

But she has invited her exes to this bar on this night to make a few announcements. Sure, she killed the man she dated after Miranda, who she also claimed was a stalker. But she is better now. She has fixed her mind. She has found a new lover, Bert Mayfaire (William Baldwin), a lawyer. Well, her lawyer who got her out of a jam. And they are getting married.

Oh, and she is going to kill someone again tonight. One of the five people at the table, including maybe herself.

Here are the other three people. Their TV shows were from the 2000s. Except for William. Fuck him.

I was told this movie was basically a much softer version of the movie Sushi Girl. Never heard of it! But eh, guess I have to watch it now.

Or at least both films have in common that they take place entirely in a restaurant/bar with people conversing. This movie had flashbacks to help tell the story, can’t speak for Sushi Girl. It almost reminds me of My Dinner With Andre, but that one is a lot more real, and I never saw that movie, so I would be lying.

This film? It was kind of interesting. A bit. It had its moments, mostly near the beginning and the end. The middle? I thought it dragged on far too long once the entire party arrived, and I was just waiting for it to end. It was really hard to keep my interest, so I might have missed an important plot point, but really don’t think that is true by the end.

Honestly, this movie would have made much more sense if it was only 70 minutes long. A nice premise, but far too much filler and waiting for it to end.

2 out of 4.

Joss Whedon is a sly bastard.

While working on post production for The Avengers in 2012, he had to take a vacation via his contract. What did he do on his vacation? He fucking filmed this movie, Much Ado About Nothing, in twelve days. TWELVE! A WHOLE MOVIE! In secret!

Who makes a film in secret? That guy does.

For those of you who don’t know, Much Ado About Nothing was also a film in 1993, but it had stars like Denzel Washington, Keanu Reeves, and Robert Sean Leonard (when he was known as that guy from Dead Poet’s Society, not Wilson FROM House M.D.).

That version wasn’t bad in any real way. It was super Shakespeare. It was done well, and everyone did good. Yes, even that guy.

Basically the best actors the world had to offer us in 1993.

Ah love. Love is grand. And sometimes leads to marriage. That is the goal of one Don Pedro (Reed Diamond)! He has fallen madly in love with Hero (Jillian Morgese) and has vowed to win her hand in marriage, but he needs some help from his friends.

Oh wait. That goes on as planned pretty easily (minus some second act shenanigans and mix ups). That is because they are not the main characters of the play/movie! No! It is Benedick (Alexis Denisof), friend of Don Pedro, and Beatrice (Amy Acker), friend of Hero! Both are known for their wit and their disdain for love and fairy tale endings. Nonsense all of it! Well, weddings take some time to plan, so Don Pedro, his friend Claudio (Fran Kranz) and the others get a bit bored with the wait and decide to play a game. They will make Beatrice and Benedick fall in love with each other!

Ha ha, emotions! Hilarious!

Well, yes, other things happen in the progress. But who cares. We got people being tricked into love! Who cares about the rest? Sean Maher plays the mean spirited Don John, Clark Gregg plays Leonato, Hero’s dad, and Nathan Fillion plays Dogberry, the constable.

Oh yeah, it is filmed differently too.

So, why did Joss Whedon choose to make this secret movie? I have a theory. I think he just really likes this story, and damn it, he wanted to do a modern Shakespeare movie. Simple as that. This is one of the clearest definitions of a pet project I have ever seen. He made his first black and white movie, a movie with a script he didn’t write (technically. He wrote a screen play…but you know. Not really), it has a lot of his actor friends, and it was done in secret. I seriously still can’t believe that.

Now, the question I ask is…did this movie need to get remade already? There are a lot of Shakespeare plays, and many that don’t have plays. We are about to get our fiftieth film adaption of Romeo and Juliet (roughly). The answer is no, it didn’t have to get made, but no movie has to get made.

For me to really enjoy this, I would hope that this film offered something new. Well, new wise, it is filmed in black and white, and in a modern setting. There is also one subtle big difference, alluding to the past of Beatrice and Benedick, that I am pretty sure has never been done before. But honestly, it doesn’t feel like enough. Modernizing this really didn’t mean much when it is just a big house party, really. Unlike Coriolanus, which was definitely changed for a modern way, and Romeo + Juliet, which was beyond weird.

The acting was decent. It was a bit weird seeing all these people we know from other things doing Shakespeare, but that is to be expected.

I just don’t think this was different enough or unique enough to be considered really great.

2 out of 4.

So, Generation Iron came to town, so I had to watch it in theaters. My first question was, what in the fuck is Generation Iron? Basically, it is a sequel to Pumping Iron, a documentary that came out in the late 70s to introduce the world more to the idea of bodybuilding and Mr. Olympia.

The purpose of this one? I guess to remind us that Mr. Olympia and bodybuilding are still a thing, and they want attention, damn it.

Unless they are dressing up like ninjas, then they do not want to be seen.

The year, 2011, and Phil Heath has just won the Mr. Olympia contest, his first ever. In fact, he won with a perfect score. Could he be the next big deal?

Well, he thinks so, he is a cocky son of a bitch, who talks about perfection, and just trying to beat himself at this point.

This film details the lives of several current big name body builders who hope to take the title, and who are going through many different paths to achieve that goal. A lot of names, could list them all, but I just want to note Kai Greene, who looks way too friendly to be a body builder, and Dennis Wolf, who is the real life incarnation of Rainier Wolfcastle.

The film talks about it all. Science, training regiments, heart, why they get so bronzed up before a competition, and steroids. Yes, even steroids. They don’t avoid the subject, they talk about it straight on…just…uneasily.

Also a lot of guest stars. Arnold Schwarzenegger, Lou Ferrigno, Busta Rhymes, Michael Jai White, and awkwardly narrated by Mickey Rourke. Why awkward? Well, because he didn’t really add much to to it. Just said some stuff, usually poetic, every once in awhile. Kind of creeped me out.

Then it of course goes into the 2012 Mr. Olympia contest, showing us how its all done, and yeah. Movie! Woo weights!

If they knew how to fight, they could kick all of our asses.

Again, documentaries are kind of strange to review, but here is my attempt. This movie gave a really good view of bodybuilding from what felt a neutral stand point. Despite Phil being the winner, they didn’t attempt to show him in a positive light, they let him be himself (and he is apparently an egotistical asshole. Alright, maybe they hate him and it was cut that way?). We got to see the good and bad of lots of contenders, who come from many different backgrounds and abilities. I loved its neutrality on all the issues, and the fact that they even brought up steroids. Made me happy.

I am not a fan of these competitions, because they are just so damn biased, they don’t make much sense to me. Why do all the champions win so many times in a row? Probably because the judges are just making shit up and basing it off of who has won before and who should win now. That is my guess. Kind of hard to ignore. No real way to do a blind taste test.

In general, the Mr. Olympia show looks like shit. Especially in 2012, when there is no suspense as to who will win. Why? Because they will call certain competitors back out to get second look, but only if they are the top overall people. If they suck, they don’t want to see you again. They just give extra time to the people who they like, so again, no real suspense, seems pointless to me. They should give everyone equal time, more fair.

But eh. It is an okay movie. I think it was too long, had some boring stretches, and I forgot the difference between a few people. Phil wins 2012, which is not a spoiler, because the 2013 competition has already happened when this came out in theaters. That is three in a row for Phil. They should really get this out quicker, its already old and awkward. Can’t be too hard to polish up a documentary.

2 out of 4.

A lot of buzz over the documentary Blackfish. What have I heard? So many people who have seen this documentary have swore off ever going to Sea World again for the rest of their life.

Shit, a film attacking Sea World? This might be interesting. Or sad. Crap, it is probably going to be sad.

I don’t really know what to do for pictures here. Here is an Orca!

The TL;DR version, Blackfish looks at Sea World and two other sea themed areas, and their track records with the Killer Whale. They never really call them Orcas at all, always Killer Whale. Probably intentional.

Now, I figured this would clearly be about the mistreating of these Orcas in captivity, bad conditions, whatever. Turns out, no, it is about the Orcas hurting humans and Sea World not giving a shit. Oh okay, less powerful subject. After all, I am fairly confident I will go throughout my life without getting eaten by an Orca. I will just not try to train them or hang out with them in the wild. I ain’t trying to get fed to water mammals.

This is basically the story of Tilikum, a famous Sea World male Orca. He was captured young, went to a place called Sea Land with two bigger females who pushed him around when he was in shitty conditions at night. Cramped quarters. Eventually he lashed out at an employee, Sea Land was shut down, and he was sold to Sea World.

He then attacked more people, killing them, including a case in 2010 that is still being fought in the courts. The courts rules that Sea World can no longer let trainers play on or with Orcas, but must always be behind a barrier of some sort, which Sea World is trying to fight. They claim that it is all trailer error, not aggressive animals. This documentary claims otherwise.

They are not saying Orcas are normally aggressive, as no human has been a victim in the wild (probably because they live all fucking cold climates where no humans live), but they are only aggressive because of being trapped in tanks, and not getting rewards too often for good behavior.

Ah. So that is the documentary. Multiple trainers have lost their lives, and some have had close calls. The documentary also pointed out that over 50% of Orcas that Sea World currently own are the result of the spawn of Tilikum, and that is bad. I think that is most of the movie.

Yep, still drawing a blank. TWO ORCAS.

You know what sucks? Dying to animal. We should be on top of the food chain. We lose it a bit when we enter the water though.

Know what sucks more? Your company then blaming you for your own death, and not the animal. Shit, if a dog bites someone, unfortunately, they might get put down. But if a whale does it, then it is apparently okay.

But do we need a whole documentary telling us the Sea World executives are assholes? Not really. This film is less than 90 minutes, with lots of testimonials from former employees, or people who were there when victims lost their lives, and that was disturbing to hear. But the movie just made me dislike Orcas more so than Sea World, really. Maybe we can give them bigger environments to live in?

I am definitely not anti-zoo, because the zoos where animals are in small cages really don’t exist anymore. They give them natural habitats and they increase public awareness of these animals, and are great educational tools. So is Sea World in that regard. I don’t think people should be dying if they get assigned Orca duty though. So the court made them stop, end of story, we should be good, right? Seems almost like it is unnecessary now, because the court already ruled against Sea World. This documentary literally brings up a problem, and also has it solved by the end, so I really don’t understand the point.

The point that they should be freed? Maybe. But I don’t trust you documentary. The fact that over half of the Orcas are now the spawn of Tilikum means jack shit. Aggression is not something attached to genes and passed on to children, so the point is really mute.

Hey Sea World. Don’t let your employees die. Treat your stuff a little better. No I am not boycotting. If I move to Texas, you know damn well I am going to get my seal on.

2 out of 4.

I can say with most certainty, that two months ago, I definitely had no urge to watch Stomp The Yard in my life. Ever. I forgot it existed, and my life was fine with that. But then two things happened.

1) One of my students said it was their favorite movie. Out of 48, only 5 students picked a movie that I hadn’t seen before, and that was one of them. Grrr… Kind of have to watch it now.

2) I saw Battle of the Year, made a joke about this movie, and realized I should hurry up and watch it.

I am not expecting really anything, some sort of college dance movie. Let’s do it. I mean, shit, I liked Drumline.

Hey, at least we have people doing flips. Like a cheerleading movie!

DJ (Columbus Short) and his brother Duron (Chris Brown) used to be street battlers. They had a crew who would battle other crews in clubs for cash. They also used to be alive.

After the battle at the beginning, they go cocky and accept a double or nothing offer. They win, pissing off the local crew even more, who want revenge. In the fisticuffs, Duron is stabbed and killed (Yes, Chris Brown dies). Well, that kind of puts a damper on things, so DJ quits the crew, moves out of LA and into Atlanta to live with his Aunt and Uncle (Harry Lennix, Valarie Pettiford), who got him into Truth University.

He gets a roommate, Rich Brown (Ne-Yo), and a new group of friends, but he doesn’t care about anyone. He just misses his brother.

Anyways, long story short, Truth University has two fraternities who are on top and great at stepping, both making it to the nationals every year. Unfortunately, one of them has won seven years in a row, and the other always comes up short. Guess who DJ ends up choosing? Well, after he is convinced that stepping isn’t just some pussy dance stuff.

He picks the underdogs, lead by Sylvester (Brian White), mostly because the girl he wants, April (Meagan Good), is dating Grant (Darrin Dewitt Henson), second in command of the other frat, and a total douche.

Then dance movie stuff happens, predictable plot turns like his past coming back to haunt him. You know. Normal stuff. Jermaine Williams is also in this movie, with a face that looks like I have seen him everywhere, but basically just in Fat Albert.

This movie is about step team dancing and colleges. Holy shit, why did no one tell me about this before?

I love watching step teams perform. Going to college in NC, I was actually able to see fraternities do this kind of stuff live. Probably not the high quality presented in this film, but it is still cool to see live. Honestly, only mainly black fraternities do this, so if you don’t live at a place with them, you won’t really know much about them. There are zero step teams in Iowa, for example. Just a guess.

As it is a dance movie, I must judge its dancing. Early on, when they were battling? That first part of the movie was horrible, a mess. The camera was all shaky, you couldn’t tell what was going on, just ugly. When they started stepping? Hell yeah. It got good then. But it could have been a lot better. The camera shouldn’t cut away as much, because part of it is watching the unison and everyone working together.

The plot was predictable, and some major drama moments just came up short. The overall story wasn’t too original. Pretty typical of a similar sports movie, about a kid getting off the streets. So there are no bonus points for the story. Only bonus points for the really fun dancing to watch and every once in awhile, a joke that actually made me laugh.

2 out of 4.

Well, Dexter had its series finale a week ago today and it was pretty much shit. Seriously. One of the worst series finales ever.

In honor of that, I decided to watch Quarantine for the day!

What…? Well, look at the main star, that is why. Quarantine itself is a remake of [REC], a Spanish horror movie, that has made at least four films on its own. Quarantine was only given a sequel, and that one has nothing to do with the rest of the [REC] films. So it must be lamer.

Quarantine is also famous for being a horror film that decided to spoil the ending in basically every format possible. The trailer, the tv spots, the poster, the dvd film cover. Every single way. Later The Apparition decided to try this method too, but no one watched The Apparition.

Oh, and I have decided to spoil that ending here as well. Because fuck it.

Angela Vidal (Jennifer Carpenter) is a news reporter, trying to make it big in the world, but stuck so far with side stories. Lame. Like tonight, she is doing a piece on firefighters. I guess it is a fluff piece, because she is just sent to interview the workers, and hopefully follow them on a fire or two, that would be awesome footage. Along with her cameraman (Steve Harris), they eventually get a call out to an apartment complex where there were reports from the manager that a woman has barricaded herself in her room, and she was making a lot of noise. Alright, boring issue, but sure, let’s film it.

OH SHIT WOMAN HAS GONE CRAZY AND BIT ONE OF THE COPS. Bitch has foam in her mouth! They race downstairs, the two fire fighters (Jay Hernandez, Johnathon Schaech), and the other cops to rush him to a hospital, but the apartment complex is boarded up. The fuck? They can’t get out. That doesn’t make any sense.

Apparently the apartment complex is under quarantine now, and they have no idea why. No worries, they will be out shortly, just one crazy man. A local vet who lives in the hospital, (Greg Germann), does his best to stop the bleeding.

This is still all sorts of fucked. Especially when the lady is still going crazy enough that they have to put her down. Apparently, according to the vet, her symptoms appear to be rabies which have no cure once they take over. But the affects of rabies normally take months to occur, this must me some sort of super rabies. Well shit, how did they know to quarantine off the building so quick? Who the fuck started it? How unlucky is it to be Angela?

Super Rabies. Worse than Hitler.

Oh no, a shaky came found footage movie! The end of the world! People tend to ask during these types of movies: Why the fuck are you still recording? Well, there are a few reasons here. 1) Journalistic integrity. This shit is the scoop of a lifetime. 2)That camera has night vision on it, could be helpful. 3)That camera is also the only light source once they knock out the power. So, shit is important.

So how did it do outside of ruining the ending? Well, eh, it was okay. Dramatically different ending from the [Rec] version, I have been told. That one involves religion. This one involves cults and super viruses. I guess religion trumps, since that series has more movies. Oh well, its in Spanish, don’t care.

It was kind of neat watching all the characters at the beginning of the film start out as alive, and then you know, become dead later, so you get to see tore up versions of people who we already met. In a zombie movie, most of the zombies you don’t know. In this film, each person “dies” to the virus, and then has to be killed again with the rabies. I think that made it feel a bit better.

Near the end it got pretty confusing, but I will say I was impressed with Jennifer’s scared shitless acting. Her character did feel different from Deb, and she didn’t just bust out swears every sixth word. It is an okay thriller. Things jumping out of the dark, basically every time you’d expect it. Hooray zombie rabies!

2 out of 4.