Tag: 2 out of 4

Clearly, it took me a long, long time to watch Killers. Like three years is forever in movie years.

But why? Well, the trailers made it look super un-interesting. So that is a downer. Second, it stars That guy who I only liked in One Movie. (But to be fair, I tend to dislike most of the cast of That ’70s Show in movies)

And it came out around the same time as Knight and Day, a “similar themed movie” which I loved. A lot. But I bought Killers anyways, knowing one day I would just have to suck it up and watch the dang movie.

There is nothing you can really do to make me look at him and think Action Star.

Spencer Aimes (Ashton Kutcher) is not your ordinary dream boat, apparently. No, he is some sort of spy/assassin, but he wants to get out of the game. Good timing really, because he is in Nice, France at the same time that Jen Kornfeldt (Katherine Heigl) is, along with her parents (Tom Selleck, Catherine O’Hara).

But he wants to give it up, and now seems like a good time. He also runs into Jen and they start to hit it off quickly, while both hiding some secrets. Oh well.

Good news, they hit it off, and three years later, they are living together and everything is fantastic! Except, maybe Spencer’s boss never really accepted his resignation? Maybe he still expects him to help out? For whatever reason, the boss contacts him in this trying moments, where Jen thinks he is getting bored with their relationship and cheating on him. Next thing you know, one of Spencer’s friends is trying to kill him.

What?? For some reason, a $20 million bounty has been placed on his head. Shit. Now all these assholes are coming around trying to get their kill money on, which means he for sure has to tell Jen about his past.

The rest of the cast is full of cameos, of their friends, and coworkers, some of which might be other assassins sent to kill Spencer, some of which might be just actual friends. Who knows?! They include Rob Riggle, Usher, Katheryn Winnick, Casey Wilson, Lisa Ann Walter and Kevin Sussman.

Nope. Gun doesn’t help either.

Good news, the plot wasn’t what ruined the movie!

No, the plot ended up being okay. Not knowing who from your friends and family might be assassins sent to collect on a bounty? Leaves for a lot of potential action and comedy, not to mention improvised weapons.

Katherine Heigl wasn’t bad in this movie either. She played her role well. I couldn’t believe Kutcher at all, but I made that obvious. Selleck was nice too.

What kind of killed it for me is how long it took to get to the assassins, friend or foe, oh god danger, part. I think it was about 45/50 minutes into the movie. That is far too long! What was going on before that? A bunch of gossip, some love stuff, typical romcom secretive bull crap. Yawn yawn.

Because the second half was actually a bit entertaining, minus the extreme miscast of Kutcher. Maybe he could have been in the first half, and then they could have secretly replaced him with Gerard Butler for the second half. A man who is getting put into romcoms, despite only being great at action and musicals.

Oh well. I think I only spent a few bucks on this movie anyways.

2 out of 4.

Mel Gibson‘s real life antics have seemed to put a dimmer on his movie career.

The Beaver came out right after or before one of those recorded racist rants of his, which obviously heart the film monetarily, despite being awesome and Jodie Foster‘s first real try and directing.

He even got kicked out of The Hangover Part II, but that was probably better for him in the long.

Presumably, the same backlash has affected viewings of Get The Gringo, an action movie that came out a year ago, that I have heard maybe one or two people ever talk about.

I personally blame it on his strange ability to look like an adult Eddie Munster.

The Gringo (Gibson) is nicknamed that because he is white, and in a Mexican prison. Why? Well, the film opens with him and a partner getting chased by the cops. They ram through the Mexican border, and crash. Then they get caught by corrupt Mexican police, who give him false charges, and take the $2 million in cash in his vehicle!

The prison he is sent to isn’t a normal prison either. It is a ghetto. You can’t just leave, but their are apartments and stores, and its own viable economy set up in the area. It doesn’t have police roaming the streets either, just outside, so people can basically do what they want and they police themselves. Because of the set up, there are even kids in the prison, born and grown up in this area. Like, for instance, Kid (Kevin Hernandez), a kid here who sees Gringo steal some cash. Whoops.

Well, something is special about this kid, because The Gringo eventually finds out that no one is willing to hurt him or wrong him. Very interesting indeed. Must have something to do with one of the bigger criminals in the joint, Javi (Daniel Gimenez Cacho).

Oh well, Gringo just has to find away to escape, get his money back, and punish the people who set him up. Not too bad. Also featuring Peter Stormare, Dolores Heredia, and some Dean Norris action.

Yep. Two main characters, neither given real names.

Get The Gringo is indeed a strange movie, in that it has comedy. Or non intended comedy. I am not sure. Let’s say it is all intended.

Not in the “Oh its so bad that it is funny” or “so ridiculous/awkward that it is funny” but like, legitimate humorous scenes and narration by Gibson to entertain on a not so action-y level. Which is surprising, because of the three genres listed on IMDB, none of them are comedy. That is silly, I laughed a ton.

Get The Gringo’s first half was strangely entertaining for me. The Gringo was placed in a strange world and he had to use his wits and “charisma” to get him places, and everything seemed to work out.

Unfortunately, the ending and second half left me a bit more bored than I would have liked. I enjoyed the eventual escape that occured, and how it went down, just felt a lot of the build up to get to it was a too dull for me. Too much mindless shooting, not enough sexy shooting. I think most people would enjoy this movie more than me, and it certainly is worth a gander for those who enjoy action with non slapstick comedy.

2 out of 4.

Oh man, diversity.

I do believe, with Instructions Not Included, this is the third mostly Spanish movie in the same number of weeks on my website!

Too bad I totally won’t keep that going. I literally don’t know of any other that are about to come to the US, and we have a shit ton of new releases to look forward to. So, uhhh, don’t get used to it, que?

Shit, did I not do that Spanish part correctly?

Valentín Bravo (Eugenio Derbez) is a coward. He is afraid of small problems, medium problems, big problems, and the biggest problem of all, committment. A different woman every week, living life with no job, no responsibility, no worried. Until Julie (Jessica Lindsey) visits him with a 8 month year old baby. Looks like cheap condoms aren’t full proof, but she also leaves it in his living room after a ruse, and runs away back to LA. Well shit. Babies.

Despite his best attempts, he can not keep up with her, and by the time he sneaks into LA, she has moved to NY. He is super stuck with this child, which means he has to do things like get a job, care for another human being, and try to stop being such a coward. Due to those intense parental instincts, he somehow gets a job as a stunt man and befriends a a director (Daniel Raymont), and next thing you know, seven years have flew by, and he is the coolest dad ever. Stunt work pays well, and it all goes towards making her life awesome. He even has fake letters sent from the mom to keep his daughter, Maggie (Loreto Peralta) happy.

Unfortunately, life is about to get more difficult when Julie (Record Scratch) returns home. And she is a lesbian (with Alessandra Rosaldo). And a lawyer. And she wants the kid back. And there is a disease that there is no cure for, which will also potentially ruin this happy arrangement. Well fuck.

Maybe, he should have done something different with the baby early on. Then no heartache now, right?

So this guy, Eugenio Derbez, I have seen him before. He was in Girl In Progress, and it was terrible, but he had the best part in it, even though his role was small. But not only did he star in this film, he also directed it, and helped write it, so this is definitely his baby. The girl above is most likely not his actual baby.

Well, his facial expressions were pretty great in this film, just like Girl In Progress, but it seems like everyone else was made to over act and just made this movie feel like a soap opera. A less dramatic, entirely frustrating soap opera. The beginning felt super rushed, pretty chaotic, but interesting. His life in LA just felt ridiculous, and the events that happened to him, both in his career, with his kid, and with Julie kind of started to just piss me off. Not in the “Oh, this incredible acting is pissing me off and making me feel emotion!” way, but the “This stuff is shitty, what the hell is going on, I am mad at this movie for sucking!”

But it also had heart. And at the end, thanks to a few sudden scenes, I was crying. Stupid movie. Making me rage. Interesting story. Emotional ending.

Gah.

2 out of 4.

I have failed the movie going public tonight.

Tonight I have seen Delivery Man, but I did not watch Starbuck, the foreign movie that this one is based on. It isn’t super foreign, because it is set in Canada, but it is the French part of Canada. Plus, the director and writer of Starbuck made this version too! Really, it is just some strange re-imaging with a star in the US that people might want to go see.

Well, they might have wanted to see five years ago. David (Vince Vaughn) is a piece of shit. It sounds harsh, but he really is. The movie makes sure you know that early on, by showing him rack up parking tickets, fail at his job delivering meat, disappoint his family, disappoint his girlfriend, and get turned down for loan applications. He owes some thugs about 80,000, and no way to pay it back.

And there was a screw up a fertility clinic about 20ish years ago. David donated sperm over 600 times in a few years, under the name of Starbuck, and because of its high quality, it was given to and successfully birthed 533 children. Over 100 of them are suing the company and David to determine his identity, believing their right to know their biological father is far more important to his right to privacy. Huh.

Who wants to be known as the guy with 500 kids? Especially when his girlfriend (Cobie Smulders) is pregnant and can’t imagine him ever being a father.

Basically his life is falling apart and he has no idea how to fix it. Maybe he can fix the lives of others? Despite his best interests, and the wishes of his lawyer (Chris Pratt), he decides to check out the profiles of a child, just one at a time, and see if he can help out their life in any way while remaining anonymous.

Clearly a plan that won’t backfire.

His immediate family includes his father (Andrzej Blumenfeld), and two brothers (Simon Delaney, Bobby Moynihan) and some of his children are played by Jack Reynor, Dave Patten, and Britt Robertson.

Really, if all you want is Chris Pratt in bath robes, then this is the movie for you. From what the internet tells me, this is actually a scene for scene remake of Starbuck, so I don’t feel too bad not getting to watch the original before this one. The last time I attempted to do something like that was when I watched both Death At A Funerals back to back, and that was just awkward.

Speaking of awkward, that is this movie in a nutshell. It touches on a lot of personal and serious topics, but generally in a strange way given the circumstances of this film. I find it hard to categorize it as a comedy, because although the idea is silly, the jokes are really few and far in between and it gets really dramatic. If you go in expecting a laugh a minute, you will be disappointed.

Vince Vaughn plays a screw up who has his heart in the right place. The reason that sounds familiar is that he always plays those roles, because he is somewhat believable at them. I am not sure how to describe the emotions I felt during this movie, but I can tell you they were there.

I think the movie did far too much disservice early on by making me hate the main character. It was vague on a few important details, like just who was after him for money and why they were surprisingly passive over 7-9 months. The passage of time was very hard to follow, when months would pass for his character without letting the viewer know. Certain problems ended up getting solved too easily and David had a surprising amount of money to give to use for his kids, and gas, and shopping when he owed so much cash in the first place.

I can’t say for certain if this film will stick with me in the long run, but for now it is a decent attempt at trying something new (well, a remake of something new), and I can applaud it for that. It also does a good job of teaching about the potential horrors of sperm bank.

2 out of 4.

Shit, I don’t even know the name of this movie. On IMDB, on the internet, on other reviews, on wiki, everyone lists it as just plain old Crystal Fairy.

But the DVD and DVD Cover state Crystal Fairy & The Magical Cactus. Who do I believe?!

The reason I am watching this movie is because of the director, Sebastian Silva. He made a movie, in Chile, with Michael Cera as one of the lead roles, named Mirror Mirror. While he was there living with his family, Silva I guess decided to do another movie. This one, still set in Chile, but with Cera as the lead role. I guess this director dude just really really likes Michael Cera.

Who wouldn’t with a smile like that?

As I said, this movie takes place in Chile, and like the other other movie that takes place in Chile (Aftershock), there is only one white character with a bunch of Chilean friends. Jamie (Michael Cera), is your typical American tourist. Not much is given on what he does normally, how long he is there, or what. But we know he likes to party, wants to drugs, and even more so, drink from the San Pedro cactus that grows in this area. It is a bit rare, I guess, but it might have some hallucinogens in it if you make it right (like, 9 hours of cooking), and it is supposedly like a trip like no other.

He was heading on a few day trip with some friends, Champa (Juan Andres Silva), Lel (Jose Miguel Silva), and Pilo (Agustin Silva), to acquire a cactus and drink it on a beach and experience that feeling, but the night before hand he meets Crystal Fairy (Gaby Hoffman).

While on crack, he loves her and invites her along, despite his friends warning him not to. Well he does. And he regrets it.

She is a free spirit with no money and he finds her annoying. But his friends, to be frank are finding him a bit annoying as well. Fucking Americans.

But really. Will his trip end with the trip he has always wanted? We will see.

Did you miss the naming convention of the other guys on the trip? Yep. All of the director’s sons.

So the director likes Michael Cera, and puts his sons in his movies. I mean, Agustin Silva was in Magic Magic as a guy named Agustin. Crazy.

But Gaby Hoffman is the weird one. She looks familiar, and I don’t know why. So I look it up! She was the little girl in Field of Dreams. The one who helps with the creepy prophecies. Well, you will be happy to know she is super naked in this film, a lot multiple times, fully, and if that doesn’t make you feel awkward knowing full well you know her most famous role, then I don’t know what will.

I believe this movie did a good job of giving a realistic portrayal of a trip which is basically the last 30 minutes of the film. I hated Cera and Hoffman, annoyed equally at them, and their behavior towards each other, which means they are acting their roles perfectly.

But I can’t help feel like this movie just didn’t really do anything, despite the good acting, and the almost interesting story line. I wanted more. Not more awkward scenes, just more reason to care.

2 out of 4.

I was really worried going in to watch Knife Fight. Not because of the actors, or the plot, or the director. No, it was because of the previews before the movie.

There were four, and all of the movies either got a 2 or lower from me, so nothing really excited me from the group. Those movies were Love and Honor, On The Road, Save The Date, and Price Check. Ugh.

Seriously, seeing something like that before a film can depress a man. Thankfully, I forgot about the previews after only a few minutes in.

It’s the hair. How can you still find hate with that hair there?

Paul Turner (Rob Lowe) is a political strategist. Behind every great politician, there was a Paul Turner. He helps the politician talk to the press, to say the right thing, and to handle spin control. New story bad for our guy coming out? How can Paul Turner fix it.

He has two candidates that he is working with and soon to be a third.

Larry Becker (Eric McCormack) is already in office, but he hasn’t made the corporations happy. So his opponent is a baseball legend, being funded quite a large sum of money, finding every possible way to attack him. He also might have had an affair.

Stephen Green (David Harbour) is an all around great guy, who cares about where he comes from, a war hero, but had developed a bad back. With a bad back, he has found himself on the massage table quite often and may have had an affair.

Huh. I see a pattern.

Penelope Nelson (Carrie-Anne Moss) is not a politician, but a doctor who helps run a free clinic and wants to fix the town. She is a really really hard sale, to even get her name out there, but at least she hasn’t had an affair. …. …. …. Or has she?

Also starring Jamie Chung as Paul’s new assistant, and Julie Bowen / Richard Schiff as political helpers as well. That’s right, a mini The West Wing reunion in a movie about politics.

Yes, I do find that peephole-ish view of this scene a tad bit creepy.

Overall, I can say this movie was okay. It was decent. A true earner of the 2 out of 4 rating.

It would have rated lower if it weren’t for the hilarious political ads. Every single one of them, on both Rob Lowe’s side and the opponents side parodied actual ads and just felt amazing. They were of course ridiculous, but it just made them better. I loved them. By far my favorite part of the movie.

I also enjoyed some of the twists near the end. After all, the character has to make some pretty important decisions about his candidate, including throwing other people under the bus and possibly affecting their future just to get ahead in the polls. It could have dealt with these choices a bit better, but at least they were alluded too.

The acting wasn’t anything special by anyone, but the final speech by David Harbour to get his character out of trouble I thought was really well done/written. You go David Harbour.

Decent film, might hold your interest for an afternoon.

2 out of 4.

I’d imagine it is really hard to make a sequel for a film fifteen years later. Especially a movie that wasn’t a big commercial success, but that is just what The Best Man Holiday decided to do. If Before Midnight can complete an eighteen year trilogy, set that many years apart, why can’t this film do the same?

For those of you looking to watch this film without the first film, The Best Man, I would advise against it. Holiday does its best to catch you up through an opening credit montage, but without the first film, you will probably be lost for at least a good half hour into the film.

But you don’t have to know the first film to know that this scene gunna be gud.

After all, its been 15 years since our gang of friends last hung out, since the wedding of star New York Giants running back, Lance (Morris Chestnut) to his lovely lady Mia (Monica Calhoun). But Mia has been persistent, and really wants all Lance’s old friends back into his life. After all, he is set to retire from the NFL after the last game this season, in which he might break the all time rushing yard record. So eventually the gang agrees to spend their holidays in New York, despite the turmoil in their own lives.

Like Harper (Taye Diggs), who hasn’t had a best selling book in awhile and was recently laid off from NYU thanks to budget cuts. The good news is, his wife (Sanaa Lathan) is finally pregnant and almost due (despite years of bad luck on that front). The bad news is they are broke. His agent suggests he gains the rights to do the biography on Lance, his old friend, as a sure way of getting him back into fray.

Julian (Harold Perrineau) has gotten his life together and started up a school that runs solely off of donations, with his wife (Regina Hall) with an administration position. But when her past profession as a stripper comes up through a YouTube video, losing Julian $2 million in funds, will he be able to still accept the past that he knew he was getting in to? His ex, Shelby (Melissa De Sousa) went from controlling to drama queen, and is a star of one of those “Real Housewife” shows now. She is a friend of Mia, so of course she gets invited too, just to make Julian miserable.

Quentin (Terrence Howard) is loving the single life, a general foul-mouthed comic relief, and a music producer or something. Let’s just say he too is pretty rich.

Jordin (Nia Long), the woman Harper used to like before his wife, is now a head executive at MSNBC and dating Brad (Eddie Cibrian), a white man.

All of these issues and a lot more come up during the week, as disease has also taken hold of one of our members, turning this comedy-drama into a drama-comedy for the second half.

Best dressed goes to Michael with the bow tie, I think.

I never thought I would have a lot to say about The Best Man Holiday, but here I am. I should note I never saw the original movie when it came out, seeing it for the first time earlier this week. It was okay and was interesting to see a lot of now bigger stars in some of their first big roles. I was pleased that it was a movie with an all black cast, their color had almost nothing to do with their characters/identity and everyone was just a person. Holiday continues that theme, and more.

Morris mother fucking Chestnut.

The biggest surprise of the movie to me was that man. All the other actors are well known for for their movie or TV roles in the last fifteen years, but not so much Morris. He is only well known for playing a detective/officer in films (Examples One, Two, Three, Four).

Needless to say, these roles never really give him a lot of time to really develop a character or have an amazing personality, but this film allows that to happen. His character is a god and family loving, moral, athletic superstar. It is really hard to not like him, but more importantly, Morris knocks it out of the park. I have never seen him so good, so in character. I want him in more movies, and darn it, I want him to be a lead role.

The movie itself is definitely a tearjerker. There were not many people during my showtime but throughout it I could see and hear sniffling from the fellow movie goers. It wasn’t just sad moments, thankfully, but a back and forth between sad and uplifting.

Overall, I would say I enjoyed watching The Best Man Holiday and think it is way better than the first film. Unfortunately, it is also entirely filled with cliches and moments you can see coming from miles away. Nothing is really surprising in the film and it doesn’t really offer anything new. Of what the film does offer, it offers a lot of it, and you may get lost in some of the plot lines, but eventually everything will feel in place. If you enjoyed the first film, you will love the sequel.

2 out of 4.

What would the world be like, without Jane Austen? I mean, she is basically the go to source for Victorian era living, of all social groups, right? So, without her, people might not ever aspire to be…well, Elizabeth Bennet, I guess.

I’ve actually read Pride and Prejudice too, I know, surprising. I have also seen the movie, Sense and Sensibility, and a few movies modeled off of the two. But never something like this. Never something like Austenland.

Austenland, where everyone is so hot, it makes people sexist.

Let’s talk about Jane Hayes (Keri Russell). She really likes Jane Austen. Like. Really. She has been obsessed with finding her own Mr. Darcy since she was a little girl, and really that is all she thinks about. It has even started to affect her work life.

Well, thanks to some inner city pressure, she finally breaks down and puts her entire life savings into a trip to Austenland! Austenland?? Yes, Austenland. A week long vacation in England to live like they did in Austen times, and experience a person like a character out of a book. Hooray. No, having a week long trip with a fake romance is not a bad idea, just think about it.

The good news is, when she gets there, she is still the most beautiful girl in the room, she just didn’t get a deluxe package so she doesn’t get all the cool stuff with the other guests, Miss Elizabeth Charming (Jennifer Coolidge), very rich, and Lady Amelia Heartwright (Georgia King), a leggie blonde.

But which of these gentlemen will she end up with? There is Mr. Henry Noble (JJ Feild), clearly a Darcy carbon copy, Colonel Andrews (James Callis), very rich and extravagant and nothing like Gaius Baltar, or Captain George East (Ricky Whittle), from the west indies and foreign! But maybe she doesn’t intend to spend her business time with any of them. Maybe she is actually just interested in the stable boy / butler (Bret McKenzie), who is totally real with her and letting her escape the Victorian era she thought she loved so much.

Either way, just because she kisses one guy, they have to realize that a kiss is not a contract.

Also starring Jane Seymour as the hostess, who is not going to meddle with the love affairs of her guests…unless you’re into it. Okay I am done.

Jenny.

The gang’s all here. So what do they do now? Shit’s boring without internet.

It turns out, Austenland is super fucked up. No, it isn’t just a simple romance comedy. It is very fucked up. Like the end of Bubble Boy fucked up. So somewhat comedic, but also really just out there. I won’t go into it any more, but that is what I felt by the end.

Austenland takes a ridiculous concept, and ridiculous characters and decides to make a movie. The beginning is a mess, and adding Jennifer Coolidge has never made me think better of a movie.

But it does have its moments. There are obvious references to Austen’s work. The male suitors are very entertaining, while being over the top. The plot line between “Darcy”/Bret/Keri was actually interesting by the end, go figure.

And sure, we ended with a relatively happy ending, but sad endings in a romance would be stupid. Austenland may be stupid, but it isn’t that stupid.

2 out of 4.

Another day, another Milestone Review.

That’s right, welcome to my 950th review for the website! The only thing really special about this milestone is that it is super close to a real, actual, super duper milestone, at 1000! That review I have been planning for awhile now.

But for now, I am going to talk about Journey 2: The Mysterious Island. I did Journey To The Center Of The Earth as my 850th, because I am a Geologist, and damn it, I wanted to talk a lot about the bad geology and strangeness of that movie. But once a franchise gets suckered into the Milestone review category, it is really hard to get out. Thus a sequel! A third one is coming out eventually, so hopefully that lines up nicely for me.

Speaking of nice, this movie is about an island! Hell yeah. That means it won’t distract me with a bunch of bad geology. I might even be able to enjoy it?!

Oh for fucks sake.

This movie takes place a few years after the first film. Sean (Josh Hutcherson) no longer has to talk about his uncle, because well, he does’t live with his uncle. That was a one time thing. There are zero references to Brendan Fraser in this movie. So he is back to living with his mom, who has finally gotten married, to Hank (Dwayne Johnson). Probably one of the best possible upgrades for adult male star.

The thing is, Sean doesn’t want to hang out with him ever. He is getting into trouble in school, with the local lawmakers, you name it. But why?

Because secrets.

Turns out Sean has been hearing a signal broadcasted by satellite in a code, and he is pretty sure it is from his Grandpa, who hasn’t been seen in two years! He is now a full fledged Vernian, and by golly, Hank was an intelligence person with the Navy. So he helps crack the code, which appears to hint the location/existence of The Mysterious Island. Apparently the same island as Treasure Island and an island in Gulliver’s Travels! Whoa! Collusion between authors! So, fuck it, they somehow convince the mom to let them go and find the dang island, as a way of bring them closer together.

At the island, they find only one man crazy enough to take them. Gabato (Luis Guzman). What? How did Luis Guzman get into this movie?

[This space left intentionally blank]

Turns out he doesn’t have a boat, but a helicopter. Oh well, it will do. He also has a daughter, Kailani (Vanessa Hudgens), who also happens to be around the same age as Sean. How lucky!

Well, they get to the island, but through crash landing. Apparently there is a storm always around it or near it, hooray protection. Too bad they don’t have a way off the island. Looks like the only way they can think of is to first find the grandpa, and use whatever he has to get out. Right? Right?

Well they find him (Michael Caine) pretty easily, it will just be a few weeks before his transportation happens. Shit. Oh well, time to explore then, eh?

Aw yeah, mother fuckin’ ruins and shit.

Through whatever bullshit book source they decide to give us, not only do they determine that this island is home to Atlantis (see above), but it also sinks down to the bottom of the ocean every hundred something years. Of course, plenty of time to do research.

Until Navy Intelligence Speicalist Hank takes the case! No dog, there is salt water in the middle of the island in puddles around Atlantis. For it to get there, the sinking must be early. They probably only have a week or so to get off the island. Well shit. Better hurry on up then.

“No guys seriously, I was in the armed forces for my brains not my brawn!”

So they rush. Oh yeah, what makes this island actually magical or cool? Well, normally big things are small, like a tiny elephant, and normally small things are big, like bees or lizards. In fact, they can ride the bees and the bees are totally like “Oh yeah that’s cool, fuck it, hop on.”

Shit. Luis Guzman and The Rock share a bee. That is some strong bee muscles. Well, turns out after a night of sex appeal and Rock serenading on a ukulele, his calculations were incorrect.

No. They only have mere hours before the island sinks. Oh nooooo!

Not so subtle sex appeal for a PG movie.

So they search for The Nautilus, the submarine from that one book. You know the one. But other bad things happen, like getting split up, and getting greedy. Because shit, that volcano is over a huge gold deposit, and thus gold is all around the base. You will never guess which character makes it his mission to retrieve the gold before the island sinks.

To be fair, they have noble reasons.

Sean and Hank find The Nautilus, but it is off the coast and under water. Shit. Thankfully they can hold their breaths forever, and successfully get down to the submarine. But it won’t start. Oh man, its been inactive so long, it needs power.

If only there was some way for them to get power down there?

Needless to say, things work out, and we are set up for part 3.

So first of all, you can tell this movie really wanted to sell its 3D aspect to the viewers. I didn’t get to see it in 3D, just Blu-Ray, but they have a lot of silly shit fly at your from the screen, and it is really obvious even in the just Blu-Ray version.

Need an example? I found this awesome gif.

To be fair, that was also one of my favorite scenes in the movie. Kid wants to know how to get the ladies. Apparently the correct way is by flexing the pecs back and forth. True. I am falling in love the more and more I watch it, and that shit was hilarious.

I can say without a doubt this movie is better than the last. Now they have an established story line. The first film has the problem of trying to exist in a world where the book…exists. So it isn’t telling the same story, but still does a lot of the same events in that story.

In this one, they don’t worry about telling The Mysterious Island story, they make their own across multiple books. It is just a lot more interesting and less annoying scientifically.

For this one, science wise, it is a bit better, but of course none of the biological implications of the island are explained, the storm, or how it actually can just go up and down every hundred years with no one noticing. Outside of magic.

But it is a lot more amusing and a lot more pretty than the first one.

And again, sorry to Mr. Fraser, but Mr. Johnson is far better suited for this and interesting.

So yeah, this movie isn’t a complete shit storm? Go figure!

2 out of 4.

I first heard about As I Lay Dying a few months ago. I mean both this movie, and the book version. Don’t think I ever heard of the book, despite being on a list of best American books of all time.

No, I first heard about because James Franco directing it became a pretty big deal. I thought it was his first directed thing too, but turns out this guy has directed a shit ton, mostly shorts, but there are movies in there too. Go figure. What a secretly passionate man, that Franco.

Dat passion.

As I Lay Dying is a sad movie. You might be able to figure it out from the title. Or by reading the book.

Addie Bundren (Beth Grant) is dying, and her wishes are to be buried in Jefferson, a town nearby, but one that requires some travel.

Her husband, Anse (Tim Blake Nelson) tries to take care of her, while the eldest son, Cash (Jim Parrack), builds the coffin. The other two sons, Jewel (Logan Marshall-Green) and Darl (James Franco) continue with their job, but of course, she dies almost as soon as they leave.

It is their only wagon, so it sets their journey back a few days already. The daughter Dewey (Ahna O’Reilly) also joins the trip to Jefferson. Basically, everyone who goes has selfish and non selfish reasons, and enough shit hits the fan that it is basically a modern Odyssey. Also, Danny McBride is in this movie as a small role, and is no way comedic.

Also, split screen. This split this movie in half time wise I think.

The movie was supposed to come out to theaters sometime this fall, but I guess they changed their mind and went straight to DVD. Poor Franco.

I also found out this book was written as a steam of consciousness thing, with about fifteen or so narrators, often switching between them without a moments notice. That means you constantly get different points of views and don’t have to guess the true intentions of any single character. Which brings me to my main point: this movie was shot in a really weird way. You see that split screen? A lot of the film is in split screen, and I think it is to represent the constant different point of views represented in the book. To see multiple reactions after the same event. To tell the story in a better way.

Shit, that was really smart. Well done Franco. And creative.

I will say this story took a long time for me to really get into it. A lot of fucked up things happen by the end, a lot of which I did not see coming and definitely kept my interest. But the first half is what killed me. I hate it when a film doesn’t keep it interesting the whole time.

All of the people in this movie acted great though, which is a shame. I wonder how it would have fared if it got a theatrical release versus just a straight to DVD situation. I can’t say whether or not the movie follows the book closely or not. If it does, then the book must be pretty boring early on, and if it doesn’t then I guess it is Franco’s fault.

Probably best watched by people who love the book, and want to see it visually. Shit, if you have read the book, let me know how it compares. I know I won’t ever read it.

2 out of 4.