Tag: 1 out of 4

I think there is a lot of negative stigma in this country towards prisoners. I mean, if they go to prison, they deserve to be there, is the general rule of thumb. Which is why no one cares about prison rape/violence, and it has become jokes on themselves. But sometimes you get other points of view, like Oz, which dehumanize these practices and make them not a laughing matter.

And it can go completely the other way too. You sometimes get a movie where you are escaping from a future space prison, which has a zero violence record, like Lockout.

Oh shit. That space prisoner has a space gun! Quick, call the space police!

Pretty simple story. This is the FUTURE! CIA Agent Snow (Guy Pearce) has been arrested! He apparently murdered another agent who was undercover, who had evidence of a different agent selling secrets about the space program. Well, that makes it look like Snow is guilty. Snow is threatened to be sent to the space prison by Scott Langral (Peter Stormare) head of the secret service. So that happens, while Snow has one of his agent buddies Harry Shaw (Lennie James) go searching for the dead agent’s briefcase that may show him as innocent.

Speaking of the space prison, you are probably wondering how there is no crime or anything. Well, they kind of put them into sleep up there, and get woken up when they are done with the sentence very nice. But reports are that being in stasis might make them crazy, or get dementia. That sucks. Clearly the president’s daughter, Emilie (Maggie Grace), is the best person to send up there to investigate these claims. She wakes up and interviews a prisoner, Hydell (Joseph Gilgun), who as luck would have it is actually crazy! He escapes and releases all the other prisoners, and they also gain the president’s daughter and security team as hostages.

Hydell’s brother Alex (Vincent Regan) ends up taking charge, because he isn’t completely bat shit insane and realizes killing hostages is stupid.

Either way, rescue attempt, escape attempts, maybe everyone is actually a bad guy on this prison, not just the prisoners. Normal stuff to wonder about in a space action movie.

Always time for a smoke break when you are silencing an entire prison.

It really does take a lot more than just basic action to please me. By now, long time readers would realize that. I like action movies if they also have a nice plot or wonderful acting to it. But that is not how most action movies are made. And thus, they are dreadfully skewed on the scale at gorgonreviews.com. But hey, that is why they are my opinion.

I actually thought Guy Pearce did a nice job as a leading action star dude, but everyone else was a let down. And you know, shitty plot, some bad special effects that they didn’t work too hard on, and a pretty predictable-ish plot.

But fuck it, space prison, amirite?

If anything, you can say the work of Sacha Baron Cohen has at least been consistent in its efforts to talk about stereotypes, race, and making people feel uncomfortable. From Dat Ali G Show, to Borat, to Bruno, he can definitely take over a persona and push some limits, and isn’t afraid of showing his dick…multiple times.

Shit, I just realized that I have no idea what he actually sounds like. All of his smaller roles involve an accent as well. His voice is going to be the new “Johnny Depp look”. Aka, I couldn’t tell what Depp looked like until a few years ago, thanks to all his make up and crazy characters.

But with The Dictator, can he pull off the same shenanigans without making it a fake documentary at the same time?

Nothing says “fear and obey me” like standing in front of an army of women.

In the Republic of Wayida in Northern Africa, lives a Dictator who is beloved by his people. Aladeen (Cohen) is busy being rich from oil, doing whatever he wants, and whoever he wants. But shit starts to hit the fan when the UN claims he is building nuclear missiles, so he decides to go to NYC to address the issue.

His head of security and affairs, Tamir (Ben Kingsley) tries to take every precaution to protect Aladeen’s safety. Orders most of the rooms in a hotel, even hires additional security. Sure, it is just Clayton (John C. Reilly) who admits to hating all ‘Arabs’ whether or not they are Arabs, but what is the worst that can happen?

Ah, he gets kidnapped and they try to kill him after destroying his beard. But things go wrong, he escapes, but will anyone recognize him as Dictator Aladeen? Especially when…there is apparently another Aladeen in his place going to the UN, and declaring that his country will turn into a democracy? Oh shit, body doubles. If only we couldn’t tell from just the cast list who is behind everything.

So (Real) Aladeen ends up befriending a vegan hippie activist (Anna Faris) and a former Wayidian scientist (Jason Mantzoukas) to get his role back, before his country is signed as a horrible democracy and lose all their oil.

“My English is getting really good, I bet I can count from 5 to 0 faster than you, go!”

I think, overall, I found two aspects of this movie really funny. One was the above helicopter ride scene, where he tried to appear super american, but started talking in a foreign language, with the only English words thrown in involving stuff like “911”, “Empire State Building”, and “fireworks”. That scene was so over the top, I couldn’t stop laughing really.

The other is that as a dictator, he has replaced over 200 words with his own name, causing mass confusion. Most were whatever, but just one instance of that I thought was hilarious.

And now that I ruined the best parts, I guess you don’t have to see the movie! Most of it felt forced. It was supposed to be a political satire of some sort, but a lot of it I just didn’t care about. I would say it is actually on par with Borat like humor, but in that case we had at least real people falling for it and responding to what was being said, and not just other actors acting offended and confused. Turns out that something like that can make all the difference.

I still appreciate the dude’s work ethic though.

So today I did something I never did before.

I used a “Redbox” because I was curious as to their stock. Frankly I was confused by it. Some of the movies in the one I went to were still there from like January. That stuff is old. Not productive to a box without any personality or pizazz. So I picked one of the few movies they had that were relatively new and available. The Three Stooges it is!

This movie is rated PG, for potential groping.

In this movie, the humble beginnings of Larry (Sean Hayes), Moe (Chris Diamantopoulos), and Curly (Will Sasso) began by being dropped off at an orphanage. Even had the same creepy hair. Mother Superior (Jane Lynch) took them in and they were all happy. But by 10 years later, they were a complete mess. Good natured, but a mess, accident prone, and annoying.

But when a rich lawyer Mr. Harter (Stephen Collins) comes in to adopt a boy, the nuns trick him into taking Moe. But Moe would really like it if they adopted his two best pals too. Knowing how much his friends meant to him, they went back to the orphanage…and chose a new kid Tedd (Kirby Heyborne). Many years later they are still at the orphanage (eh) but adults. And the orphanage is closing! They need $830,000 in a month or else it is gone, and the kids go to foster homes. So the trio set off to raise the money in no time, much to the appreciation (mostly that they are leaving) of the nuns (Kate Upton, Larry David, Jennifer Hudson).

Well shit doesn’t go so well, but eventually a mysterious woman Lydia (Sofia Vergara) offers them the exact price they need, in exchange for the murder of her husband. She tries to trick them into thinking her husband agrees with it, with the help of Mac (Craig Bierko) the secret lover, but still something is fishy.

So while getting to the bottom of the mess, some more hijinks ensue, including Moe becoming a cast member of The Jersey Shore. Yes, so you get to see all of them in this movie too, a lot. But the good news is, we also get the Old Spice guy, Isaiah Mustafa, as an agent. Which sucks for his future career work, but hey at least he has a job.

Well, at least they got each other. That is all that really matters.

So you know what? I don’t even know what to say. Obviously we all know why they made this movie. Because originality is hard, and bringing back old things is not. They have an already set fan base of potential people who would watch, along with the fans families to introduce the old subject to their kids in a new way. No kid really likes to watch old black and white things.

Aside from that, and the more subtle adult jokes that kids won’t be able to kid, really all it is is a heavily slapstick movie, with a silly murder plot that never once seems serious. So probably entirely appropriate for a three stooges movie. But just because something once was loved, doesn’t mean it rehashed later still will be.

Things change, including comedy, and well, if they were alive I don’t think they’d like this movie version of themselves. Also this movie totally ended with a PSA from the brothers who made it saying violence is bad, and the props were all fake. Good going, I guess.

Oh shit, we got a potential bad ass over here. Biutiful, nominated for best foreign film…AND BEST ACTOR for 2011? Say Whaaa. That seems rare. Usually they put the foreign films into a category and then ignore the shit out of them. This puts a lot of pressure on the film to live up to hype.

A joint Mexican/Spain film, 100% spanish, by the guy who brought us Babel. Which I still haven’t seen so whatever.

“Oh jeeeez, I hate pressure.”

Life is raining down shit on Uxbal (Javier Bardem). He is a single father, living with two younger kids, who cannot see their mother (Maricel Alvarez) because she is an alcoholic and bipolar, and a danger to them. He himself is an orphan, only having a brother Tito (Eduard Fernandez). He works with illegal immigrants, namely a bunch of Chinese people who make stuff, and a bunch of African people who sell the stuff. Oh, then he gets a terminal cancer and only has a few months to live.

And fuck it, why not, he can talk to the dead, or at least recently deceased, and passes on messages at funerals.

So he is going to die, guess time to fix up relationship with wife. Nope, she is crazy, and he has to leave his children in better hands! A lot of the Africans get arrested, and he ends up taking in the wife (Diaryatou Daff) and child of one of his (now arrested) friends in order to give them shelter. Hopefully she doesn’t screw him over too.

Speaking of screwing over, he is also able to find all the Chinese immigrants jobs. There is no way that can backfire! (This is funny, if you know what happens. Also sad. Also what in the fuck).

Fine. You can have a picture of someone else who isn’t Javier.

Most of this movie is Javier Bardem with a solemn look on his face, and just being super depressed about his life. He obviously really wants to make sure his kids are safe before he goes, but shit, everyone is making that so damn hard. No one is trustworthy, and in the part of Spain he lives, everyone just sketches me out. There is a scene in this movie that I couldn’t get a picture for, of a strip club, where they wore weird masks to look like more boobs on their heads. And fake nipples on their butt cheeks to make them look like nipples too.

Wasn’t even a hallucination! That shit came out of no where, and he didn’t do coke until a bit later in the club!

Personally, I thought the movie dragged on really hard. It is about 145 minutes long, and only in subtitles. It was a long almost 2.5 hours of my life, having to read the subtitles and all, too afraid to try to multi task. I think it moved too slowly, and was clearly too long. Shit, I think it would have conveyed just as much emotion and heart that they wanted if they cut out like 45 minutes. But I just didn’t care about the story anymore.

Not to take anything away from Javier Bardem, because he clearly put his all into that character and trying to resonate its humanness (that sounds intelligent yeah?). But uhh, I don’t want to see it again.

I can’t say I really heard much about The American Mall movie before. But from the looks of the cover, it was probably geared towards families, or something. Maybe some music involved.

I did not know it was an “MTV” movie, which has actually made a lot of decent films like Joe’s Apartment and Varsity Blues. But I think those films were more focused on appealing to large audiences, and also on the actual plot. They also weren’t made for TV movies, which although isn’t necessarily a death sentence for a movie, it does make its ability to succeed pretty damn hard.

But hey, its producers also did the High School Musical Trilogy, and 2/3 of them were tv movies!

Singing about commerce. They have no respect for people with no shopping agenda.

All of the events in this movie take place in the mall. Deal with it!

If there is one main character, it is Ally (Nina Dobrev), poor poor Ally. She sometimes wears shirts that say “Be The Change” on them, referring to an incorrect Gandhi quote, so you know she isn’t the smartest tool in the shed. But you know, big heart, big dreams. She wants to be a star some day, and even writes her own music. That is good that she likes music, since she works in the music store in the mall, run by her mom, Erin (Yassmin Alers), who released an album of her own! Like, 20 years ago, and it didn’t do good. But still, technically a former professional singer/songwriter.

Joey (Rob Mayes) also works at the mall, but as a janitor. He actually has a band, well, a make believe band. Complete with make believe fans. Along with three other young white male janitors, they pretend to be in a band and sing and dance, I guess during their breaks (I HOPE). Just you know, poor, no instruments and stuff.

Max (Al Sapienza) is super rich, owns lots of malls, but this one was his first. He has left his daughter in charge of it (I guess?), Madison (Autumn Reeser) and she might be a bit mean. She wants to open up her own store for the best designed clothes ever. OF ALL TIME. EXPENSIVE. But her dad she needs a way to set it apart. Apparently she gets the idea to do a fashion show to set it apart. Because clothing stores just don’t do that. But also a live performance.

Hey look, Joey and Ally are hitting it off. He even helped her finish the song she was working on and it is awesome. Madison hears Joey performing, wants him to do it (with her though) for the concert. It isn’t stealing, it is partially his. She will get some songwriting credit. And Madison will give Joey everything he wants, style, clothes, instruments for his band, and fame.

But can he pull the trigger and steal the song Ally wrote, who also wants to be a star, when he also has the hots for her? WHAT ABOUT THE FASHION SHOW? MAYBE SOME WOMEN IN DRESSES?

What’s that? You want a picture of a lot of women in identical black dresses in a mall? That is oddly specific, but here you go!

Ugh. So for whatever reason, I was actually excited to watch this movie. I mean, I like musicals, I like spending money. Fuck yes. But to me this movie was completely uninteresting. The songs were pretty much blah, and weren’t too good sound wise.

I think I enjoyed one and a half songs. Yes, that is it. But not even to large degrees. People felt super cliched, Madison character was just a mean stereotype (who only kind of turned it around, after shit was in her face. Not literal). Which is weird, because Autumn Reeser is the only “famous” person who was in this movie, just probably not at the time.

I think this movie cost me $1 to buy, and that may have been too much.

A couple years ago, I saw a trailer for Donkey Punch and laughed. “Ha ha! Fake trailers can be great!”. No one would actually make a movie called Donkey Punch and be about what Donkey Punches are about. That’d be silly.

But then we remember the British are a rather silly group of people. When I saw the trailer, two years ago, I realized the movie was actually real, and from two years prior. Holy shit. Why?! Well, why not I think was the response. Which I can totally agree with.

Ah, such a happy group of people. No idea the sexy bad time they will have.

Three girls are having a fun vacation out in Spain.

Lisa (Sian Breckin), Tammi (Nichola Burley), and Kim (Jaime Winstone). Party party party, they end up meeting a few guys who invite them on the boat to party more. Reluctantly, they decide to go. What could go wrong?

Sean (Robert Boulter), Marcus (Jay Taylor), Bluey (Tom Burke), and Josh (Julian Morris) are the guys.

Needless to say, drugs and alcohol happen a bit. And then some sexy time. Not everyone. But there is a lot of sex going on. Bluey is with Lisa, and notices Josh being a creeper, so gets him to film that stuff. Oh yeah, hot. Then he lets Josh have a go. Then they do anal. Then, based on a conversation earlier, and from peer pressure, Josh decides to Donkey Punch her. Accidentally breaking her neck and killing her on the spot.

Da fuq?

The rest of the movie is complete freak out mode. They have on tape a technical murder, and egging on, and a dead body. The women are freaking out, they want to go back to shore for the cops, guys not having any of it, want to dump the body. So then some more people die and maybe just maybe someone will escape the current death boat and make it out alive.

Improvise an escape, using your only means of escape!

What?? You don’t know what a Donkey Punch is? That is definitely an act during doggy style, where the male, generally near orgasm, will punch the woman in the back of the head. The more you know. And yes, the British made a thriller movie off of that act, not just a made up Urban Dictionary term.

This movie could have been a lot of crazy fun, unfortunately the characters ruin it. They are all dumb. The easiest solution would be for the girls to agree with the guys and then, you know, go to the cops. Bad survival instinct. The standard “Oh cells dont work out here!” problem, and other silly issues.

The movie also was super slow. You’d think it’d be full of action and freaking out, but really it lacked a lot of it. Was also a bit confusing when I assumed a guy got stabbed in the heart was dead, but nope. Survived most of the film, with a damn knife in him. Fucked up.

I think of ways to fix the film, and they need the guys to have a bit more distinct personalities and looks, so I don’t get confused at who is the puncher, who is the asshole, who is the taper, etc. And you know, just smarter characters. But maybe the drugs and alcohol made them dumb? I dunno. Don’t drink and go on boats, or else you may be donkey punched.

Before you get all pumped up, no Suburban Girl is not some crazy return of Sarah Michelle Gellar.

She is still stuck doing weird shows. Because this movie came out in 2007, and thus is now super old. But then again, if Jennifer Love Hewitt can make a come back through shows, why not SMG?!

Well, not if she tries to do it through her crazy eyes.

Brett (Gellar) is a new york book editor! What a job! Except she has no confidence in her job, doesn’t work for the best firm, and her boss/mentor just got fired and replaced by Faye Falkner (Vanessa Branch), a super lame boss. She makes her do weird things. And she just wants to be a big time editor, not an associate. But you know, she edits in pencil. Who does that?!

She eventually meets Archie Knox (Alec Baldwin) a famous editor, who everyone loves, and is totally single. He is a bit older too. Just a little bit. He knew her aunt, who used to be an editor too. Either way, she kind of likes him a lot, and breaks up with her boyfriend because he is immature (Chris Carmack).

At the same time, her relationship with her father (James Naughton) is a weird one. She goes to him for advice a lot, and generally he stays out of her affairs. Turns out he also has cancer, and she was the last to know after her brother (Ebon Moss-Bachrach) because they figured she couldn’t handle it.

Either way, the story is about how SMG might gain confidence, by sexing up someone way older, who totally patronizes her while teaching at the same time. Totally worth it right. Maybe its real love. Maybe he is just an alcohol.

Could be both, from this picture.

Real talk time. This film was a bore. Didn’t really laugh. Didn’t really care. I enjoyed one scene, ONE SCENE. Where Baldwin and Gellar were fighting early on, and he corrected her grammar in the middle of it. Editor fights. Good stuff. But that was it. Baldwin felt a bit boring, Gellar wasn’t too relatable to me, and everyone else really didn’t matter.

Lots of book talk. Lots of skippable moments.

I honestly don’t know what to say about $5 A Day based on what I guessed it would be about. Maybe prostitution. Very cheap prostitution.

But that is my go to thought for all films I’ve never heard of.

Oh well maybe its a ROAD TRIPPPP. With prostitutes?

Ritchie (Alessandro Nivola) is a health inspector and living the life with his girlfriend, Maggie (Amanda Peet). Nice. Good job, good pay, good living. Until he gets fired for lying on his resume about spending some years in jail earlier in his life. Maggie didn’t know this either, or that he lied about his dad being dead. Because he isn’t dead! Just dead to him. Something poetic. So Maggie leaves him too.

Apparently his dad, Nat (Christopher Walken) is dying from a tumor, and doesn’t have long to live. But he is apparently a bad guy, who has conned people his whole life. He even gets buy spending at most $5 a day, pretty nice. So Ritchie flies from LA to Atlantic City to be with his dad, who convinces him to go on a road trip to New Mexico for a potential cure. Oh fine.

Just along the way they have to drive in a sweet’n low car, and get free gas as long as they stop at Chevron stations. With hundreds of fake IDs giving him pretty much every birthday of the year, they are able to strategically eat at IHOPs for free! Crafty guy. Along the way they stay in abandoned houses, con some more people, run into their old baby sitter (Sharon Stone) and maybe even get lots of cash over a question of paternity.

What? Could Nat maybe not even be Ritchie’s real father, an exceptionally long con?

I bet when you saw Walken’s name, you knew he’d dance at some point in the movie.

TL;DR Version is this is a road trip movie about a dad and son, before the dad dies, rekindling their relationship, and also shenanigans.

But really I didn’t find it entertaining at all. Lots of cons happen, but to normal regular people who doesn’t deserve it (it feels like). So the main guy is just a jerk, and his son is a jerk too by helping. And that is about it. A 90 minute movie about jerks jerkin’. Yes, I do have a way with words.

This is just more of Christopher Walken playing the stereotype of himself, I think.

Dark Shadows!…Did anyone go see this film in theaters? I mean really? I don’t think I heard a single person thinking “Yes! Time to watch a remake of a 60s Soap Opera!”

Not saying that it was a bad decision to turn Dark Shadows into a movie. First off, I’ve actually seen that show. Like, maybe up to 20 episodes. Who cares if it has over a thousand? Shut up. It was eerie when I was a kid. Secondly, 21 Jump Street just happened. It was a movie version of an older TV show, changed the genre, and was awesome. So why not Dark Shadows?

Oh yeah. Erm.

The Collins family moved to New England from Britain way back in the 1700s, and pretty much founded their own town with their richness, Collinsport. Port, yes, because they do fishing business and continued to grow their fortune. Their son, Barnabus (Johnny Depp) was falling in love with a maid, Angelique Bouchard (Eva Green), but the parents would not allow it. Then the parents were killed. Whoops. Turns out Angelique is a witch, and got pissed off. Didn’t stop Barnabus from falling in love with another woman, who ended up killing herself under a curse. Barnabus tries to kill himself, but whoops, he’s now a vampire because Angelique is a mean mean person, and then becomes imprisoned for the next 200 years.

Hey look, the 1970s. Collinsport is now barely Collins owned territory. The house in shambles, the fortune all mostly gone and shit. Elizabeth (Michelle Pfeiffer) is now the head of the house, and has a 15 year old daughter Carolyn (Chloe Grace Moretz). Elizabeth’s brother Roger (Jonny Lee Miller) is an asshole, single father after the wife drowned, with a younger son David (Guilliver McGrath). He is kind of messed up, so they have a psychiatrist there, Dr. Julia Hoffman (Helan Bonham Carter). Oh yeah, also a housekeeper Willie (Jackie Earle Haley) who has to work too hard for one guy.

Either way, they need a governess for David, and mysterious Victoria Winters (Bella Heathcote) answers the call.

BUT WHO CARES, BARNABUS RETURNS. Joins the family, wants to get their business back up, restore the name, and woo Victoria. But witches. And he is a vampire. Oh man, shenanigans.

Dem eyes.

So, from what I can tell, this movie is a lot like the show in many ways. No one really cared about the show too much until Barnabus joined the cast, like 200 episodes in, then it became a huge hit. So much like the show, Victoria was the main character early on, after all the back story, until Barnabus came back, and then she only had a few scenes. With Barnabus, and not too many lines. Bugged me.

Overall, I found the entire movie to be too ridiculous, so maybe that is keeping itself true to its soap opera roots? But found it hard to get in to. It really didn’t feel like Dark Shadows, due to its attempt to be a big comedy. I almost think this would have been better received if it tried again to be its own story that had nothing to do with Dark Shadows characters/names/pseudo-plots.

I thought Helena was aweful in the film, and Jonny Lee Miller was pointless as well. My favorite casting choice was probably Haley as the groundskeeper, he did make me laugh.

But overall, this just didn’t feel entertaining to me, and felt like every other recent Burton/Depp movie.

Darwin Darwin Darwin.

Who would have thought a movie called Creation was a biographical-ish movie about Mr. Charles? Seems pretty silly. But I guess it is about his struggles with discerning natural selection, and his “battle” against Creation.

Alright why not, his life is probably riveting.

Oh, I see what they did there.

Charles Darwin (Paul Bettany) loves him some biology. And family! Especially his daughter, Annie (Martha West). She loves to hear stories, and thankfully he has a whole bunch. Because fifteen years prior, he went on this fantastic voyage to the Galapagos Islands. So since then he has been home, working on his discoveries, and trying to figure out this dang evolution thing.

His wife Emma? She hates this shit. Emma (Jennifer Connelly) is more religious than a Chinese fruit basket, so she doesn’t like the potential implications of the findings of his research. She thinks she will be in heaven and he won’t make it if he publishes the book, and they will be separated throughout eternity.

Turns out also that daughter he loved died awhile ago, weak genes or something, and he is just moping. Doesn’t want to kill god, doesn’t want to make wife mad, but can’t just ignore this stuff. So most of the movie is him trying to properly grieve over the death of his daughter and rekindle his marriage, with some Galapagos island stories, a monkey, and other science.

WILL HE DECIDE TO PUBLISH HIS BOOK THOUGH? I do not know.

Like I said, it is his favorite kid. >.>

Kind of a short plot summary eh? Well I mean, it is pseudo biographical. I think they cut out a lot of his children, and probably just exaggerated how much it affected him. I mean, Charles Darwin, he is a scientist, probably not seeing a ghost of his daughter.

Unfortunately for me, I found this tale to be quite boring. If I wanted a full biography of him, I’d like some stuff as he grew up as well, before his wife, actual life story, not just the important 15 years. I’d also want post book publishing implications.

However much of this is true, I can’t say, but over half of it is just awkward guilt and grieving, so not really what I expected.