Gorgon Reviews

When I heard the title, Season of the Witch, a naturally assumed some fantasy based film: knights, witches, magic, what not. I didn’t know it would try to be a “fictional historic movie”. I do love me some Ancient History too, but not that Medieval crap, so that wasn’t a good start.

The “Main Star” choice was also a bad start.

Nick Cage and Ron Perlman are Crusaders! Rawr! The beginning opens with them kicking ass seemingly all over Europe (thanks to different weather types and, you know, subtitles telling me place names). They are so bad ass, they can even make jokes during their melee-tastic frays! But once they end up having to kill innocent people and women, they leave the order, turning their back on the Crusades and Jesus.

Later, in another part of Europe, they are discovered to be deserters! So they are imprisoned. The local king though is all kinds of dying, thanks to that Plague thing. They think they found the witch that started it all (Claire Foy), so they need someone to take her to a Monastery far away,so they can determine if she is a witch and get rid of the plague. Also joining them? Head knight Ulrich Thomsen, Alter boy Robert Sheehan, Priest dude Stephen Campbell Moore, and criminal who knows the way Stephen Graham.

Yep. So they journey, and try to determine if she started the plague or not, if she is a witch or not, and you know, try not to die themselves. Also, figure out why God would do all this.

Oh what shenanigans is God up to now!?

Personally, I thought the movie really dragged. It was hard enough to accept the ending, but also I am expected to believe that Nick Cage is more bad ass than Ron Perlman? Never! Impossible! I definitely believe that people back then may have blamed witchcraft on something as horrible and deadful as the Plague.

But the movie went pretty much as expected. A twist near the end wasn’t really that much of a twist at all. The sometimes obvious fake scenery that a few scenes have also seemed to bug me. Fights / action sequences were okay. But most involved either dark scenes making them hard to understand, or felt way too long (the last one). It can be an okay film, I guess, if you just want some Medieval action, but found it pretty lacking in enjoyment.

Yeahhhhhhhhh Sexytime!

Pink Robe? Check. Redneck? Check. Mexican Donut? Double Check!

Sex Drive was a teen road trip comedy coming of age story movie, that when it came out, I think I saw about one advertisement for. Like every movie, I was about to watch the unrated version of the movie, but it began quite differently.

The unrated version begins with a poorly edited (on purpose) message to viewers, that the unrated is significantly different. It has more boobs and dicks, more jokes, and is way too long. Since it said it was only for already fans, I switched to regular, and holy crap, the unrated has about 20 more minutes of time added to it. That is serious.

The movie is kind of like The Sure Thing. Kind of. Josh Zuckerman is chatting up a girl on the internet, and lying, because that is expected. For some reason, her lies make her want to do him, so he decided to drive from Chicago to Knoxville to hit that. So he steals his brother’s car (James Marsden), and along with his best friend who thinks he should be a dick to chicks (Clark Duke), and accidentally with his best friend whom he likes (Amanda Crew), he drives off!

CRAZY ADVENTURES COMMENCE!

But does it end with Zuckerman and Crew falling in love? Of course. Fuck you if you thought differently.

Also in this movie are Katrina Bowden, from 30 Rock, as internet girl, and Seth Green, playing the role of “master of Sarcasm Amish dude”. His role was fantastic. Also, James Marsden as “entirely way too offensive older brother” had me laughing out loud on more than one occasion.

So if you want a comedy full of sex jokes, and obvious plot paths, Sex Drive is your movie. Not sure if I will ever watch the unrated version, but I am sure it is way different.

Such shifty eyes, Seth.

Looking at all of the tags, I know you are thinking the same thing. How the hell does a movie called Predators not also include Chris Hanson?

Because he’d catch them all too quickly and make them have a seat.

The movie begins with Adrien Brody falling in the sky. He is strapped to the chair and flipping out, cause he is falling through the sky. He kinda gets a parachute off, allowing him to note die, but also, only kinda. I generally don’t expect to see Brody as a big action star, but he pulled it off pretty convincingly in the jungle.

Who else fell from the sky? A bunch of soldiers and criminals I tell ya! Alice Braga, the only woman, Danny Trejo, Walton Goggins (Rapist like guy who is in prison jump suit) and Topher Grace. Topher Grace?! Yeah. He is just a doctor. Awkward.

Also, later they meet a past survivor. One Laurence Fishburne, kicking ass, and taking names.

So why are they out in the middle of no where? Eventually they find out that they are prey, for some type of aliens war games. Humans who speak English tend to call them Predators, which is good to know! I am sure their alien name is something like Graafbbfzx. These Predators only tend to kill bad humans though, not innocent ones. So, the title makes more sense when you realize that even the prey are “predators” in their own right. We see what you did there, movie people.

But an alien that only prededates on other predators? So it is like an army of strong, alien, highly technological, Dexters.

I can kind of see the resemblance too.

What can you expect from a movie based on some 80s movies? A pretty decent action movie, actually. By making all the humans bad people, I have no problem with a force running around killing humans. Usually I think Humans > All Aliens, but hey, if they are bad people, who cares right? So I can enjoy the (many) deaths that occur, and the tactics the humans use to try and survive and kill them first.

Thankfully the plot didn’t have much going for it. A very easy thing to imagine, since we already have to imagine aliens with great technology, we can easily imagine they can have a planet where humans can live, and teleport them from Earth to this place, and you know, death. Also there was a samurai sword fight scene out of no where. These Predators at heart at just warriors, and duelists. They give humans a fair fight, and I like that too. What is the fun in massive slaughter?

Dun nun nun nun nun. Pew pew. Whip it good.

I immediately apologize for doing that. But for some reason I cannot delete it. Oh well.

When I first heard of this movie, I thought it was lame. Mostly because Drew Barrymore annoys me half the time, and she was in charge of it. Similarly, this might have been Ellen Page‘s first big release after Juno. Not sure.

So plotwise, Ellen is a loser in Texas! Her mom makes her do beauty pageants, but she doesn’t want to. Teen angst. Her friend, Alia Shawkat, tells her to man up and stop doing shit like that. Before I go on, her life at home is different. Her dad is there, but never fully around. It makes it seem like he is living in a van (where he has a TV for sports and stuff). But why is he in the van? Maybe its because he is Daniel Stern, and thus no one wants to be near him.

“Want to join me in my van, little kid?

So yeah, she goes to a roller derby event, loves it, and Kristen Wiig tells her to try out.

Sorry it took so long to get to the actual plot. That took awhile. She does, but she has to lie about her age to do so. I am sure that won’t come back to haunt her.

Through some miracle she makes the team, but is never played. Until she starts to play, and her small frame allows to score the heck out of some points and actually let her team win a game or two! Then they all become the best of friends! Then rising action, climax, end of movie.

Oh, and Jimmy Fallon is the announcer at all these games.

“A movie about mostly girls, and you show pictures of two dudes? That’s sexist.” – Gorgview.com reader.

Unfortunately for my Drew Barrymore dislike, I liked her movie. The conflict near the end was obvious, but it was also was kind of just swept under the rug too. That kind of bugged me.

Ellen’s transformation from “Okay mother” pageant girl to kick ass “celebrity” who learns to take control of her life is a good one. There is morals too in the story, and not just loose ones. That is a plus. But it was also entertaining and funny. Besides, it is also kind of a sports movie, and who doesn’t love sports movies?

So, I think Mean Girls 2 was a made for TV movie, on ABC Family or something like. It is also a stand alone film. You don’t have to know anything about Mean Girls, because the two films are nothing alike. Okay, it does happen to be the same high school. Oh, and the popular people are “Plastics” again, but hey, whatever.

Picture: Some Plastics. A girl no one likes. And the main character. Can you guess who is who!?

This movie is about a girl named Jo (Meaghan Martin). She moves around a bunch because her dad does work for…something. I dunno, it involves fixing cars. She is good at working with tools too. Yes, I realize she is a woman, weird right? She has rules at new schools. Befriend no one, avoid girl drama, avoid dumb boys. Usually works out. But this is her last stop before college. She wants to be an Architect! She wants to go to Carnegie Mellon, but she also needs money. Especially since she has impossible tasks to get a scholarship like “over 2300 on the SAT, verbal and math”, a completely nonsensical statement which proves the writes don’t know how to get into college.

Anyways.

Despite already kind of making friends with Jennifer Stone (or at least hating the popular kids with her), her super rich dad offers her money to be her friend. As they are stupid wealthy (and why the rich girl hates her. Because she is slightly more wealthy, yet not as pretty) they want to buy her happiness, and realize she needs friends. So reluctantly, she takes it, since she needs to pay for college, and well, you know where this is going.

She becomes popular, and so does her new friend (Who she really befriends). They have a rival group! The Anti-plastics. By the title of Mean Girls, you realize that the only really big mean things that happen are a result of Jo, not the “mean girls”. They eventually retalliate, but a bit too far. So ired of all the shit, tired of being a “girl”, Jo (leader of the Anti-Plastics, if you forgot) wants them to settle it like men! Footballllllllllllll.

Because Men aren’t complicated.

So yeah. Nothing like the other mean girls. BUT. Tim Meadows in this movie, and his role is a bit funnier than the last. Still the principal, of course. That’s why this can be a sequel.

I think a lot of the hate comes from the fact that it is “2” and therefore compared to Mean Girls. On its own, this is an okay movie. It has some funny parts, expected parts. Is it a lot worse than the first? Heck yeah. But it doesn’t mean it automatically is one of the worse movies ever. It is okay and decent. This just goes to show, movies can be better than their name or cover. Except for Mars Needs Moms. That one cannot be.

Super 8, by JJ Abrams, has been one of the more hyped releases for awhile now. (Outside of Twilights, Harry Potters, and Hangover 2). Honestly, I have been asked a LOT when this movie is finally coming out, as they pushed it back at least once from October to now.

But I think a lot of the hype is warranted.

Feel free to commence “OH Facing” now.

The film takes place at the end of the 70s, Disco is still good, and technology is still not rampant. If it was, these kids would have a jillion youtube hits. Riley Griffiths is a kid with a dream, to make a movie on his 8MM camera and be shown in a local festival. So he gets his friends, borrows a camera, and starts his dream. Doing a zombie flick. Yay zombies! They even convince AJ Michalka (sister of Aly!) to join their project and be the detective(Gabriel Brasso from The Big C)’s wife.

Afterall, ever good production needs some T&A. For the kids, that is her. Also involved are Zach Mills, Ryan Lee, and Joel Courtney, son of a cop (Kyle Chandler), great at makeup, and actual main character (Got cha!).

While filming a scene at the local train station, they see a train coming past. They quickly rush to film their scene, thanks to the great production value! But a dude in a truck rams the train and everything goes to hell. The End.

Or not. Holy shit wreckage everyone running, and the camera filmed it all! But what were those weird noises? Did they see a creature? What about these cube things? Whats going on? They of course decide to tell no one they were out there, run away, and (sort of) try to solve the mystery, while at the same time weird things (thievery) and deaths begin to happen around time.

So yeah. That is what this movie is about. Making movies. Young life love and friendships. And holy shit alien monster thing.

I really liked it though. A lot of the kids are more or less unknown actors, who have only one (this) or a few film credits. So the majority of the cast was just fresh and new, giving it a more real feel. Unless you watched the Friday Night Lights series, then you probably don’t know Kyle Chandler either. What I really liked was just the emotions everyone conveyed in the movie. Their fear seemed real (probably had Rob Reiner yelling at them, for some reason), and their strive to work together just gave that “ah, youth! nostalgia!” feeling.

You won’t be screwed into never seeing the monster. You will get more than enough to appease that palette, don’t worry.

This could be the next E.T, and it only took 30 years. Is it? I don’t know, I never saw that movie.

Don’t give me that look kid. I just never saw it. That is what happens when it comes out before you are born and the parents never show it to you when you’re a kid. What? hey. Come back here. Readers! Stop leaving my site saying I have lost all my movie credentials! Noooooo!

You guys should watch it. It is about 2 hours long. Some parts in the middle are a bit more boring than the rest, but if you sally forth, you can make it, I swear. Also, in the credits you get to see the Zombie movie in all its awesomeness.

Spy Kids: All The Time In The World! Yeah! The Forth Spy Kids Movie! I will let you know that I did my research before this movie. I “watched” all three Spy Kids movie the week before this one, just so I could “get” it all. After all, the poster confused me. Jessica Alba and Joel McHale? That’s weird. They aren’t in the other movies. It also said the “Spy Kids” from the previous three movies were in it, but not on the poster. Some other jerk kids.

But unfortunately, the other three movies don’t matter for this one.

Shocking, I know.

Plot? Uhh. Time! Someone has the ability to speed up time and time travel and other shit. Chaos ensures! Instead of adapting to the changing of time (despite not aging faster, just shorter days) people flip out about deadlines approaching. I think eventually they are supposed to freeze, because time is going so fast? Thats vague. Right.

Jessica Alba! She is a spy! And pregnant. After stopping crime on the way to her delivery, she retires. She marries Joel McHale who has two kids already in his past marriage. In fact, the kids are aged appropriately to be called kids for a least a few films. Handy right?

Joel is not a spy. But he is a fictional / real spy hunter on TV? It is confusing. Like, he has a TV show, I thought it was fake, but it could also be a real life documentary thing, like all of those dumb shows, following around jobs. I can’t believe people watch it though, since he doesn’t do anything? As far as I can tell.

Blah blah blah. They have to become spies accidentally. Also a talking British robot dog. It is Alexa Vega‘s fault, since she obviously thinks kids should be spies. The head of the spy agency is Jeremy Piven (but acts nothing like Ari Gold). Eventually Daryl Sabara shows up too, to help. Dude keeps retiring and rejoining (based on Spy Kids 3).

So yeah. That is about it. Cool new gadgets. Cool new set of kids. Cool new way to make more movies and money grab. The story was okay, full of normal kid super hero cliches. But making the Baby randomly powerful and a spy too was just too much. The ending was super corny too. Also, super-baby looked ugly as shit. Just sayin’.

Out of the other Spy Kids movies, I’d rate 1 and 2 a 1, but Spy Kids 3 was a solid 2. It involved going into a video game to save the world. Despite the fact that the creators made it seem like they’ve never played an actual good game before, it had a good enough story, and funny movements to be an okay movie.

This one does not.

Probably because the new chick has those dead eyes that look into your soul.

Conan the Barbarian! Another reboot of another movie that is commonly considered an original. As always, I won’t compare this to the “original Conan“, nor will I compare it to the Conan books, (because I never do. And because I’ve never read them). All I really know is that the Conan creator was good friends with HP Lovecraft, so if we could just get a Cthulhu in the movie, that’d be perfect.

“Dead by dawn! Dead by dawn!”

The story begins with Ron Perlman, running around on a battlefield. He finds a wife. Oh shit she just gave birth. ON A BATTLEFIELD. What can this mean? They call this baby…Conan.

Then some guy comes over like, 10 years later, and is trying to collect the pieces of a mask. Each chieftain has a piece of the mask. Conan is too weak to stop the army, and the chieftain kills everyone but him, and gets the last mask piece. The mask gives ultimate power….eventually. Because for some reason, another ~10 years later, the world is still not completely shit. The guy also has to kill a pure blood thing, in order to unlock its powers. Apparently it takes a LONG time to find one of these people. Because now Conan, older and more Jason Momoa, can stop them.

Pirates. Accidentally finding the pure blood woman (Rachel Nichols), fighting, vengeance. This is the rest of the plot. Rose McGowan also plays a super creepy looking sorceress chick. Like. Way too much forehead. Was very surprising to look at. Oh yeah, there is some narration done too, of course, by Morgan Freeman.

There is a lot of blood and gore in this movie. Nudity too. You’d expect both in a movie all about killin’ and fightin’ though. The music that went with it was pretty good, and the visuals were pretty decent. The overall plot was of course super weak, and I was getting bored by the end. So much that I started listening more to the music and replacing the bass lines with words like “Fight” and “Action” to enjoy myself more. What?

There was no Cthulu, but there was a weird octopus monster thing! So that is close. Also there was a very exceptional fight scene with this sand warrior thing that kicked so much ass, it is pretty much worth it, for at least that.

And for people who really like Rose McGowan’s head.

The cover of this movie looks like a normal action thriller hostage like thing, where a lot of abuse happens to the main characters until they beat the bad guy by the end and somehow are better off.

I mean, that’s just by the cover.

This would have been a better cover. Seriously, all I did was look up the title and got this. Main characters and all.

But on the back description, I like it even more. It must be a lower budget thing that didn’t do well anywhere, so to make it seem better they tried to make it seem modern and cool. After all, it stars Maria Bello from Prime Suspect (a now canceled in its first season television show) and Stephen Dorff, from Immortals (a minor character, and a movie you know I didn’t like).

Okay, I am just making fun of celebrities now. Either way, those are the stars. And those are the shows/movies they want you to think about to get this movie.

I have been stalling on the plot. Carjacked has a mom and her kid get carjacked from a bank robber. They are poor too. He forces her to drive him to a meet up in Mexico, and after that? Who knows.

So she has to figure out how to save her child, without like, you know, dying.

Unfortunately there is MANY options that she had available to her, and she never took in the movie. Had to make it last after all. The ending is ridiculous, based on the choices she made. The cops seem to be just as ridiculous.

Also, the jabs at her ex husband come from nowhere. All we are told is they are divorced, so I guess we have to assume he is a bad guy and shouldn’t be raising children. So she has a happy ending. Yay!

Now she just needs to stop making bad decisions in terms of shows and movies.

To give it some credit, the Dorff as robber / fear monger was decent.

I have a big problem with The Devil’s Double. The cover. It is atrocious and hard on the eyes. So I will fling it at you readers now!

ZA GOGGLES. ZEY DO NOTHING!

Like, whoa right? So much gold. The word double? Maybe this is about gambling. Dangerous dambling.

YOU WOULD BE WRONG.

This is based on the “True” story of Latif Yahia, a normal man just living in Iraq. Unfortunately for him, he looks a lot like Uday Hussein, son of the more famous Hussein you may remember dying from a few years ago. Both roles are played by Dominic Cooper (from Captain America! As Howard Stark!). I know what you are thinking. A guy plays two roles? Lame.

Well don’t worry, this isn’t some Disney channel Friday morning movie (Despite when I am posting this review). He plays both roles distinctively enough so that it is pretty awesome. They also have slight differences in their faces too, enough to make them seem different. And you know, mannerisms.

So Latif gets forced into being a body double, to become Uday Hussein. Live with them, take in the glory, and act like a crazy asshole. Apparently Uday is a crazy asshole in real life (well, was. Go America!). You know, lovin’ those little girls. Shooting people. Drugs. Partying. All that stuff.

Obviously Latif doesn’t want to do this. He has morals, damn it. He has a real family. So the movie is him trying to do his job so that his family back home (who thinks him dead) doesn’t get killed, while also trying to deal with the morals that come with doing bad things.

The movie is very over the top. People like to compare it to Scarface, just in terms of “Whaaaat” factor. I could kind of see it. I assume most of the movie isn’t real, except for the general story. Because this is Hollywood, not a documentary.

If they had one more double, they could take this show on the road!

Overall the story wasn’t too exceptional. However, Dominic Moore really busted out some acting chops for this movie, and it shows how much work he put into it.

Some people complain that it is entirely in English. I hate those kinds of people. If there is only one language spoken in a film, I think it BETTER be in English (if an American movie). Afterall, everyone in it can understand each other perfectly, so we should too. I assume they are speaking Arabic, but I can understand it perfectly, so it sounds normal to me. Oh yeah, Go America!