Gorgon Reviews

A couple years ago, I saw a trailer for Donkey Punch and laughed. “Ha ha! Fake trailers can be great!”. No one would actually make a movie called Donkey Punch and be about what Donkey Punches are about. That’d be silly.

But then we remember the British are a rather silly group of people. When I saw the trailer, two years ago, I realized the movie was actually real, and from two years prior. Holy shit. Why?! Well, why not I think was the response. Which I can totally agree with.

Ah, such a happy group of people. No idea the sexy bad time they will have.

Three girls are having a fun vacation out in Spain.

Lisa (Sian Breckin), Tammi (Nichola Burley), and Kim (Jaime Winstone). Party party party, they end up meeting a few guys who invite them on the boat to party more. Reluctantly, they decide to go. What could go wrong?

Sean (Robert Boulter), Marcus (Jay Taylor), Bluey (Tom Burke), and Josh (Julian Morris) are the guys.

Needless to say, drugs and alcohol happen a bit. And then some sexy time. Not everyone. But there is a lot of sex going on. Bluey is with Lisa, and notices Josh being a creeper, so gets him to film that stuff. Oh yeah, hot. Then he lets Josh have a go. Then they do anal. Then, based on a conversation earlier, and from peer pressure, Josh decides to Donkey Punch her. Accidentally breaking her neck and killing her on the spot.

Da fuq?

The rest of the movie is complete freak out mode. They have on tape a technical murder, and egging on, and a dead body. The women are freaking out, they want to go back to shore for the cops, guys not having any of it, want to dump the body. So then some more people die and maybe just maybe someone will escape the current death boat and make it out alive.

Improvise an escape, using your only means of escape!

What?? You don’t know what a Donkey Punch is? That is definitely an act during doggy style, where the male, generally near orgasm, will punch the woman in the back of the head. The more you know. And yes, the British made a thriller movie off of that act, not just a made up Urban Dictionary term.

This movie could have been a lot of crazy fun, unfortunately the characters ruin it. They are all dumb. The easiest solution would be for the girls to agree with the guys and then, you know, go to the cops. Bad survival instinct. The standard “Oh cells dont work out here!” problem, and other silly issues.

The movie also was super slow. You’d think it’d be full of action and freaking out, but really it lacked a lot of it. Was also a bit confusing when I assumed a guy got stabbed in the heart was dead, but nope. Survived most of the film, with a damn knife in him. Fucked up.

I think of ways to fix the film, and they need the guys to have a bit more distinct personalities and looks, so I don’t get confused at who is the puncher, who is the asshole, who is the taper, etc. And you know, just smarter characters. But maybe the drugs and alcohol made them dumb? I dunno. Don’t drink and go on boats, or else you may be donkey punched.

Before you get all pumped up, no Suburban Girl is not some crazy return of Sarah Michelle Gellar.

She is still stuck doing weird shows. Because this movie came out in 2007, and thus is now super old. But then again, if Jennifer Love Hewitt can make a come back through shows, why not SMG?!

Well, not if she tries to do it through her crazy eyes.

Brett (Gellar) is a new york book editor! What a job! Except she has no confidence in her job, doesn’t work for the best firm, and her boss/mentor just got fired and replaced by Faye Falkner (Vanessa Branch), a super lame boss. She makes her do weird things. And she just wants to be a big time editor, not an associate. But you know, she edits in pencil. Who does that?!

She eventually meets Archie Knox (Alec Baldwin) a famous editor, who everyone loves, and is totally single. He is a bit older too. Just a little bit. He knew her aunt, who used to be an editor too. Either way, she kind of likes him a lot, and breaks up with her boyfriend because he is immature (Chris Carmack).

At the same time, her relationship with her father (James Naughton) is a weird one. She goes to him for advice a lot, and generally he stays out of her affairs. Turns out he also has cancer, and she was the last to know after her brother (Ebon Moss-Bachrach) because they figured she couldn’t handle it.

Either way, the story is about how SMG might gain confidence, by sexing up someone way older, who totally patronizes her while teaching at the same time. Totally worth it right. Maybe its real love. Maybe he is just an alcohol.

Could be both, from this picture.

Real talk time. This film was a bore. Didn’t really laugh. Didn’t really care. I enjoyed one scene, ONE SCENE. Where Baldwin and Gellar were fighting early on, and he corrected her grammar in the middle of it. Editor fights. Good stuff. But that was it. Baldwin felt a bit boring, Gellar wasn’t too relatable to me, and everyone else really didn’t matter.

Lots of book talk. Lots of skippable moments.

My last foray into the 3D movie territory was with watching Coraline, but that was using the classic blue/red scheme and everything in my brain got messed up. But this new 3D that they are using at theaters? I tried it once, three years ago, with Avatar. Movie is pretty old now, turns out. So three years have passed since then, I’d like to think that the 3D technology and jumped leaps and bounds at this point, and should be all BAM. IN YOUR FACE.

THE THIRD DIMENSION.
YEAH.

So of course my second ever attempt at a new 3D movie, I figured why not go to Katy Perry: Part Of Me.

Aww, look at the happy couple. True love and all. Err.

Speaking of concert movies, this is my third one, and second one to be based off a single famous artist. First of course was Bieber, and second Glee. And just like before, I have no idea how to review them.

This movie is suppose to show a different part of Katy Perry, and more of her past, that the average person doesn’t (or doesn’t care to know). All this with a world concert series that she was going on for almost a whole year, with roughly only a few days off ever 2-3 weeks. And what did she do with those few days off? Go see the love of her life, her husband, Russell Brand of course!

Now I forgot in my timeline when their divorce happened, and assumed it was in the summer. I thought all the talk about their love was just a tragic joke, and the movie was finished before they broke up. But nope, that definitely did happen during the movie, and it was sad as shit. But you know what? Katy Perry still did her show that night. Didn’t cancel a single thing, despite all those tears. That’s some dedication.

Katy’s youth was with a super Christian family, her parents traveling preachers. Her first album as a teen was signed to a gospel production company outside of Nashville. But she wanted more. Turns out when she got to LA for music purposes outside of religious, she was pretty much signed right away. Since 2001. But clearly wasn’t famous yet. She didn’t like kissing a girl until 2008, leaving her 6-7 years of struggling musicianness before getting it big. That was while writing a lot of her own music too, and the normal story of “oh I don’t want to be the new Avril / Spears, I want to be me!” like talk.

I am sure it is real, but maybe overblown for the purposefulness of the film.

Ohhh, I get the cover now. She dreamed of being a star in her room, and now she is! How clever!

So yeah, despite being an overnight sensation, she wasn’t an immediate success, which is nice to know. And (although it obviously has to be a part of the reason), she doesn’t seem to be some girl hired for her boobs to sing other people’s songs with lots of autotune, a pop standard. The movie did a real good job of humanizing her.

Honestly, if you didn’t feel sad while she laid int the chair realizing Russell Brand wanted a divorce and could not stop crying or talk to anyone, you are a robot. Which would explain your dance moves.

The actual concert spliced through it seemed really well done and entertaining. Surprisingly, Firework was not the last song. Go figure. I think it just needed (like all of these) less fans freaking out and recording stuff, I don’t care about other normal people’s love. They can stop that.

Also there are some mini interviews, including Adele and Rihanna. Why? Because Katy Perry had 5 number 1 singles from 1 album, only person to do that besides Michael Jackson. And he got a movie recently too, so why not Katy?

The review of this doesn’t matter, you won’t see it if you hate her music probably. You probably also won’t if you like her music. I will say it is a bit more interesting than the other concert films I’ve done. But if she is just a fad in five years, then ehh, who cares.

Savages!

There is a bunch of them in this town, and they are barely even human.

That is all the pop culture I can pick up from that word. Two is a fair amount, hopefully this movie gives me another.

Look at those BRUTES, those SAVAGES, sitting in California and looking fantastic. Sickens me, every time.

O (Blake Lively), short for Ophelia, is the narrator of this tale, and born rich local of Laguna Beach, California. She meets Chon and Ben, working for their pot empire. POT EMPIRE? This movie is about drugs oh no!

Chon (Taylor Kitsch) is a former marine, serving in Iran and Afghanistan, and when asked by Ben, he assured him that Afghanistan had the world’s best pot. Ben (Aaron Johnson) is a free thinker, okay hippie, with big world visions involving giving water to Africa and stuff. But also hey drugs. He has a degree in Business and Botany, and he gets Chon to get some of those seeds back to the states. They are able to grow them with great attention, giving them ridiculously high THC percentages, and make an empire in California where they are rich and can donate a lot to the world charities. Chon is also the muscle, he has a few Iraq buddies to help them out in dire situations.

They’ve been giving cutbacks to a local DEA higher up (John Travolta) for years to keep their business sailing, but when a Mexican Cartel from Tijuana wants to hire them for three years, to use their pot, resources, and people, they get a little bit worried. Especally when the offer presented by one of their lawyers (Demian Bichir) turns out to be more of a demand, and them saying no can get them in a lot of shit.

More or less, it results in the kidnapping of O from both of them. Oh who is O? Their mutual girlfriend. She sexes up everyone. And she loves them both for different reasons, but it leads to nothing bad between the guys so it should be fine. So now Chon and Ben have to try and save her, not die, avoid their really bad ass hit man Lado (Benicio Del Toro) and convince Elena (Salma Hayek), the head of the organization to let them go freely with O, at any cost.

What a fucking great character. No jokes for you, just that fact bomb.

Turns out this movie has a lot of unlikable characters in it. Pretty much no one is the type of person you’d want to root for. So it was hard to really watch the movie on that aspect, as it was a lot of gray area. Unfortunately, the character I liked the least, O, was also the narrator. The dialogue for the narration was bad, and the character was like a spoiled rich kid who has no problems, until the movie. And I don’t think really anyone would care about her, or her kidnapping and constant danger. It sucks, but its true. Let her die, I say. Solves most of the movies problems.

The other big issue I felt was the ending. It didn’t really seem to fit the rest of the movie, almost felt lame. It was different, for sure. But not what I would have wanted. If you see it, you will understand.

But other than that, great performance from Benicio Del Toro, who looked completely different in this movie. Also, Aaron Johnson? He looks ten years older at least than he did from Kick-Ass, and not at all the same. I was shocked when I realized it was the same guy.

I honestly don’t know what to say about $5 A Day based on what I guessed it would be about. Maybe prostitution. Very cheap prostitution.

But that is my go to thought for all films I’ve never heard of.

Oh well maybe its a ROAD TRIPPPP. With prostitutes?

Ritchie (Alessandro Nivola) is a health inspector and living the life with his girlfriend, Maggie (Amanda Peet). Nice. Good job, good pay, good living. Until he gets fired for lying on his resume about spending some years in jail earlier in his life. Maggie didn’t know this either, or that he lied about his dad being dead. Because he isn’t dead! Just dead to him. Something poetic. So Maggie leaves him too.

Apparently his dad, Nat (Christopher Walken) is dying from a tumor, and doesn’t have long to live. But he is apparently a bad guy, who has conned people his whole life. He even gets buy spending at most $5 a day, pretty nice. So Ritchie flies from LA to Atlantic City to be with his dad, who convinces him to go on a road trip to New Mexico for a potential cure. Oh fine.

Just along the way they have to drive in a sweet’n low car, and get free gas as long as they stop at Chevron stations. With hundreds of fake IDs giving him pretty much every birthday of the year, they are able to strategically eat at IHOPs for free! Crafty guy. Along the way they stay in abandoned houses, con some more people, run into their old baby sitter (Sharon Stone) and maybe even get lots of cash over a question of paternity.

What? Could Nat maybe not even be Ritchie’s real father, an exceptionally long con?

I bet when you saw Walken’s name, you knew he’d dance at some point in the movie.

TL;DR Version is this is a road trip movie about a dad and son, before the dad dies, rekindling their relationship, and also shenanigans.

But really I didn’t find it entertaining at all. Lots of cons happen, but to normal regular people who doesn’t deserve it (it feels like). So the main guy is just a jerk, and his son is a jerk too by helping. And that is about it. A 90 minute movie about jerks jerkin’. Yes, I do have a way with words.

This is just more of Christopher Walken playing the stereotype of himself, I think.

Personally, I had no idea what to expect from a movie like An Education. Zero. Possibly a love story. Based on the cast list, most certainly British. But yeah. Completely random watch, love those.

Unless you know, the movie sucks.

All great love stories begin with a ride in a stranger’s car.

Jenny Mellor (Carey Mulligan) is your typical 16 year old girl in London in the 1960s. Okay not really ‘typical’. She is forced by her dad (Alfred Molina) to study hard, play Cello, and be amazing, so she can get into Oxford. She also goes to an all girls school for the top tier education. Because nothing is more important than an Oxford education and degree.

But what about strange men in cars? After a concert, waiting in the rain with her cello, David Goldman (Peter Sarsgaard) drives up and offers her a lift. No, that’d be weird. He offers the cello a place in the car, and will drive by her as she walks home. Wouldn’t want to be creepy. He is just a music lover, and someone who doesn’t want the cello to be damaged!

Or maybe he just loves Jenny. That would explain the gifts, and the chance to go see a real concert with free. Not like he is some creeper, other people are their on his first date, Danny (Dominic Cooper) and Helen (Rosamund Pike). But why has he taken an interest in her? Where did all his money come from?

And why the heck is she suddenly willing to throw away her education if she has the potential to become a young bride? Her main teacher (Olivia Williams) sure seems against it, but why? AHH MOVIE SECRETS.

So much to ponder, but must remain elegant.

I might have found this movie interesting because I really didn’t know where everything was going. Would the guy end up being a creep, or just the perfect man? Would she be able to balance her new living large social life with school? What about Oxford? WHAT ABOUT OXFORD?

But that isn’t enough to actually like a movie, just makes it a one time fling. The acting I thought was pretty good in the movie as well, and the basic storyline. I can’t say that teenage girl lifestyles in England in the 1960s is something I have ready knowledge of, so it is interesting to learn about a completely different culture.

I’m just rambling. A pretty good movie, and you probably won’t be able to guess what is coming.

At first I thought The Ramen Girl was going to be one of Brittany Murphy‘s last movies, but she still had 5-6 come out after this one. Bah! Now I have to watch Something Wicked, that wasn’t released until this year.

Creepy.

Hey Brittany. That isn’t just inappropriate in Japan. It is inappropriate everywhere! Put some clothes on!

Abby (Murphy) is a girl who has recently moved to Tokyo! That is in Japan! She is super white and blonde and stands out a bit. But whatever. She has a job at some office, but they rarely use her, so her days are boring. But at least she has a boyfriend she loves and lives with! Who then has to go to Osaka for business and it might be awhile before he returns. She wants to go too! He says no. And a break up.

Awk. Now she is alone in Tokyo, doesn’t speak Japanese yet, and you know, crying. But she sees a Ramen shop nearby, and it looks enticing. AH FUCK ITS CLOSED. DAMN IT. NOTHING WILL GO RIGHT RARWRAWRWAR.

Because it is hard to ignore a crying white woman, the shop owner Maezumi (Toshiyuki Nishida) and wife Reiko (Kimiko Yo) open up and let her have some ramen. Probably the best thing she’s ever had in ever. She starts going their daily, being the highlight of her day. One day she realizes it is apparently a difficult craft to be the ultimate Ramen maker, and she wants to learn to do it. Damn it.

Especially since she hates her job, she convinces Maezumi to become her Sensei in the art of Ramen, willing to spend her whole day at the shop to learn the craft. Might even find a nice Japanese boy who can speak English, like Toshi Iwamoto (Sohee Park). Yeah, that’d be good.

But more importantly, can Abby become the ultimate Ramen chef supreme? Or you know, just start using those 10-20 cent ramen packs with flavoring. Those are pretty awesome too.

Wash Off, and Wash off some more. This is time to clean.

So if you couldn’t tell already, this is pretty much The Karate Kid, meets cooking noodles. Frankly, I think the entire point of the movie is to tell Americans that Ramen noodle cooking in Japan is a serious business, and takes awhile, and the shit we have here is shit.

But I still don’t buy it. Can’t fool me Japan. It’s just noodles in broth, with seasoning and stuff. Maybe plated sexy in a bowl. You can’t fool me, movies!

Overall it was an okay movie. If for whatever reason you like seeing Brittany Murphy cry, she does that a lot in the movie. Every once in awhile, while laughing, I could hear “Luanne” come out of her, and that was odd. But a mostly predictable story, where Murphy cries and gets hit in the head a lot. But never gives up, damn it.

Somehow The Hunger Games came out to theaters in March, and I still was able to see it in a theater a few days ago. Crazier, considering the DVD comes out in a couple weeks (on a Saturday? Wtf?). Either way, yay Capitalism.

And woo to the future! Woo to human sacrifices!

In this future, America is split up into 12 Districts, and a Capital somewhere in the Rockies. There was a revolution, the capital won, and to pay tribute each district has to send 2 individuals aged 12-18, male and female, every year, to fight to the death. What?! Yeah, kind of fucked up and random. 80 years later, shit is still happening.

Our heroes are from the 12th District, somewhere in Appalachia, bunch of coal miners. Katniss Everdeen (Jennifer Lawrence) is really good with a bow, in her late teens, and has a younger sister Primrose (Willow Shields) about to be up for her first Reaping ceremony. Also, some dude, Gale (Liam Hemsworth), probably has a thing going with Katniss, but isn’t really important to this movie. Maybe later!

But yeah, at the choosing ceremony, of course Primarose gets randomly chosen, super unlucky. Katniss is like, no, none of this shit. Doesn’t want her sister to die, so volunteers in her place. The boy picked is some nobody, Peter Mellark (Josh Hutcherson). So Effie Trinket (Elizabeth Banks), the head kid snatcher, takes them to the capital, to represent district 12 and stuff.

Wait a minute. That was Elizabeth Banks? Picture now.

Da fuq?

How in the heck is that Elizabeth Banks? I am completely taken aback by that fact. And man was that character annoying. She won a damn MTV movie award for Best On Screen Transformation, so at least MTV agrees with me.

They go to the capital, get their training on. Have a mentor who won from District 12 a long time ago, Haymitch Abernathy (Woody Harrelson), kind of an alcoholic. Also some fashion designer to help? I didn’t know what Cinna (Lenny Kravitz) did. Stanley Tucci is an Emcee, Wes Bentley runs the game, and Donald Sutherland is the president.

Also, I think Jennifer Lawrence looked like an older Anna Popplewell this whole damn movie.

I definitely felt this movie was too long, and probably a better book than a movie. It had the feeling of a movie that wanted to fit everything from the book into the movie, but couldn’t, yet still tried. You know? Tons of what I feel as unnecessary scenes. And some wtf scenes. There was a riot in this movie, in another district, and I have no idea why it would have happened. Zero reasons why it happened in this tournament, and not any time in the 70 or 80 before hand. Just out of no where.

A lot felt confusing to me. The first half almost feels like it is entirely about impressing sponsors, but never fully explain it. When the tournament started, I was thinking “How the fuck is there no sponsors yet? What the hell is going on?” Far too much time on something unexplained.

And lastly I kind of got a head ache. They did some extreme shaky cam stuff with this movie. The movie had a good plot and acting. But my head hurt, because all of the action that the movie should have, given it is about a kill all the people tournament, was covered up by making it unintelligible. But it wasn’t just the killing. Just normal District 12 life was shaky cam. They rotated around Effie’s face in so many directions during her first speech, I got dizzy. And the zoom ins. They loved zooming in way too close to stuff. Just felt like an annoying mess, and less of a movie.

So really the biggest complaints are technical issues. And what felt like too much extra, pointless story line. I think this is what happens when you have the writer of the books trying to help with screen play and script. They feel everything is important. Totally isn’t.

Here’s something I have learned today. Men In Black 3 is the first movie Will Smith has done in four years. FOUR YEARS.

Isn’t that weird? Someone who used to do action movies every other year on average since ID4, with a drama or two thrown in? I only looked this up because Will Smith was not tagged on my website yet. Just found that shocking.

But now on his IMDB, he has like, 6 things in production or rumored. So I guess he just took a little break. Work on his daughter’s singing career. Stuff like that.

Maybe instead of a movie review, we can just talk about all of the achievements of Will Smith.

Needless to say, I would suggest you have seen MIB and MIB2 before this movie, even though MIB2 is dumb and isn’t necessary for this movie.

But in MIB3, we have a new head of the department, Agent O (Emma Thompson). Don’t remember her? Well she has totally been there forever, shh. Long story short, Boris the Animal (Jemaine Clement) has escape from the moon prison, and is coming back to earth. He is the last of his kind, and missing his arm, thanks to Agent K (Tommy Lee Jones) from 40 years earlier in the past.

And he does! Agent K is wiped out of existence, and the only one who can remember him is Agent J (Smith). Why? Because Spoilers. Either way, Agent J gets the idea to go back in the past as well, a day prior, kill the original Boris, so the future can be even better than it was before. Just needs help from a pot head time jumper (Michael Chernus).

Needless to say, going back in time doesn’t work out as planned, and despite being told not to, he teams up with the past version of Agent K (Josh Brolin) to save the future, and the world. Also Bill Hader has a small role as Andy Warhol. a

For the first time, their main villain actually looks and is pretty bad ass.

First things first: entertaining? Yes. Dealing with time travel tricky, pretty sure they dealt with it badly, but hey, I’m fine with that right now. Was a fun story, good action, good humor.

And Josh Brolin. Josh Brolin as young Tommy Lee Jones as Agent K was astounding. That dude had TLJ from these movies down to a T, and it was just crazy to watch. He really felt like a younger version of himself, which was pretty great.

This movie also lacks a forced love component for Will Smith’s character like the other two. Is there some love? Sure. But not really. Instead a good movie with some pretty awesome acting

History is written by the victors, definitely something you’ve heard before. If not get some education, damn it.

But it is true. Just like dead men tell no tales. Undead men can tell tales, however.

Alternative histories are usually exciting to watch, as you watch events you know definitely occurred, with other questionable events spliced in between. Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter is no different. What this movie is, is a ‘biography’ of the secret life of Honest Abe, as he protected America both from itself and from the blood sucking swarm of the night.

Training is best when it is also practical.

Abe Lincoln (Benjamin Walker) grew up in Indiana, with his parents on a plantation. But when his black friend’s family was being sent to the slave trade, despite being free citizens, Abe put himself in harm’s way to protect his friend Will Johnson (Anthony Mackie). This caused his dad to get upset with the plantation owner, Jack Barts (Marton Csokas), who then threatened the Lincoln family if they left his services. Which they did.

But that is a shame, because Jack Barts is totally a vampire, who got his revenge on Abe’s mother that night, and pushing Abe to enact revenge. Nine years later, he tries. And motherfucking Jack Barts is a vampire! And doesn’t die! No worries, mysterious stranger Henry Sturges (Dominic Cooper) saves him, and after some time, agrees to train Abe in the art of vampire hunting. But only if he ignores his revenge, and is willing to listen to everything he says. Sure.

But then after training he moves to Springfield, to study up being a “lawyer”. Ends up finding a job at a local store run by Joshua Speed (Jimmi Simpson) and falling head over heels in love with a Mary Todd (Mary Elizabeth Winstead). During his vampire killing duties, he develops relationships with people (oh no!) and even becomes more politically involved. Gotta stop the slave trade. Real people. And its run by vampires in the South to eat from.

But if he were to stop the slave trade, the vampires would no longer be satiated and move more north. He’d be putting a hex on the entirety of America if he were to give equal rights to people. Hell, that’d probably cause the vampires to join the South in war. Lead by the head vampire, Adam (Rufus Sewall), will Honest Abe be able to stop slavery, end the vampire threat in America, and maintain his presidential life style all at the same time?

“Bitch tryin’ to kick me? Don’t you know who I am? I’m a muthhafuckin Vampire Hunter!”

Alright, so obviously this is kind of a dumb movie. You know vampires aren’t real, and you know this didn’t happen. But hey, if it was well done and had good action scenes, probably worth it. Why not, right?

Well unfortunately, as a budget saving measure I guess, the action scenes were lacking in luster. They had good ideas, but making them work with CGI? Ehh. Half of the fight scenes, you cannot tell what is going on. Either general blurryness, lots of dust, or fire. Fuck that noise. Movies have proven they can do intense fight scenes and make all of it easy to see. Some movies don’t want to put in that effort, and gimp out when it comes to them. So that is a negative for the movie.

Somewhat slow plot at times, and historical time frame that doesn’t seem consistent with reality. Other things that bug me. But doesn’t change the fact that the idea for the movie was an interesting one, just a poor execution at some of the parts that really mattered.