Tag: Robert Pattinson

This film doesn’t even have to try, it’s always going to be a Good Time. Because that is its name. Carly Rae Jepsen agrees.

I am late into watching this movie. I wanted to see it months ago, but being a shithead, I got the date confused at when the screening was supposed to happen. So instead, I was in a theater and had to watch The Only Living Boy in New York, which is not at all similar to Good Time.

Thankfully, the film came back to the front of my mind lately, thanks to getting nominated for some Spirit Awards. Awards? Edward Cullen? Sign me up.

Painting the town red? No, paint YOURSELVES red.

What is the cost of having a good time? Maybe robbing a bank for some sweet sweet cash, so you have the bills to pay the…well, bills.

Connie Nikas (Robert Pattinson) and his brother, Nick Nikas (Benny Safdie) are trying to do that right now. Connie is the brains of the operation, Nick is the brawn, and only by the looks of it. He is a bit slower than a regular person, so he is just sort of there for the ride and to help out.

But the plan backfires a bit in that during the escape, everything goes wrong, and Nick gets caught by the police. They know he didn’t work alone and they know he isn’t the mastermind, but they will take what they can get while Connie goes into hiding. Connie wants to get his brother out of jail ASAP, since he is getting poorly mistreated by everyone on the inside. But when working with a bail bondsman, shit doesn’t work the way it had planned, and his friends with money are having their own personal issues.

That is when Connie finds out that his brother is in a local hospital after some new injuries from the slammer. Well, why worry about bonds when he can instead maybe break his brother out of the hospital and get them on the run? Yeah, that is the perfect plan.

Also featuring Barkhad Abdi, Buddy Duress, Eric Paykert, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Necro, Peter Verby, and Taliah Webster.

None of the photos from this film show people having an actual good time.

The best part of Good Time is the pulsing,constantly scene captivating soundtrack. The first twenty or so minutes feel so intense, as even the more mundane elements are pushed to 11 thanks to the soundtrack. As soon as I commented it to my wife about how the movie was making me anxious thanks to its music choices, it started to die down a bit and let things settle.

That is when the film also started to lose my own interest.

Good Time has a decent plot and story, and frankly great acting from the lead Pattinson. He is completely transformed for this role into a new person. It is a wonder to say.

The plot just starts to get erratic in the middle and near the end. Once it slows down, it just has a hard time picking back up. Basically, after the the breakout from the hospital it seems to pitter patter itself into a different, slower film. Slowness in a film isn’t a bad thing, it just doesn’t seem to match the earlier intensity and sounds of the beginning. They eventually bring it back, but at that point it is just too late.

Good Time would be a better time if it could just keep up the enthusiasm that it started with, instead of devolving into a complete mess in the middle.

Two main things popped in my brain while prepping for and watching The Lost City of Z. First of all, cool title, really exciting, went in without looking up a trailer or description.

The first thing I realized? This was not a zombie movie. Sorry, a Z on its own just kind of screams that out. (Doesn’t help that Brad Pitt was a producer on both this film and World War Z).

Secondly, I had been pronouncing it wrong for two weeks. And if I pronounced it correctly, I wouldn’t think it was about zombies. That is because it isn’t an American Z, it is a Canadian Z, or a “Zed”. So before you look like me, silly as a goat, it is The Lost City of Zed.

These guys also look foolish, with spears in their faces. Just not as foolish as me.

Our story is about Percy Fawcett (Charlie Hunnam), a real man, with a real story, and real interesting facial hair. He is a British officer, but he has no medals to speak of, mostly training troops in case there is a big war (This is 10-15 years before WWI). His dad did some bad stuff, so he has to try and reclaim his family name to help elevate his new family. You know, his wife (Sienna Miller), and their little boy.

Percy is eventually chosen to go on a dangerous movie to Bolivia in South America. The Royal Geographical Society is going to have him lead a mission to follow a river, map out the area, and find its source. It is important for peace in the region and making money. Percy reluctantly goes on a multi year journey, leaving his pregnant wife behind, with danger and mystery in his future.

He gets a right hand man, Henry Costin (Robert Pattinson), who is rocking a killer beard. What he really discovers is that the savages there are not so savage, and there might be an older ancient culture hiding in those woods, he just has to find it to prove it to the world.

Also starring Clive Francis, Ian McDiarmid, Tom Holland, Angus Macfadyen, and Edward Ashley.

At least they have guns, the best invention for scary potentially zombie infested ruins.

Right off the bat, I disliked The Lost City of Z. It had a filter applied to it to make it look time period specific, which movies love, and it just distracts me. Seriously. The entire film it just distracts me. It makes the whole thing look odd, but I am apparently the only one who gets annoyed by these things.

The Lost City of Z is pretty long, over 2 hours. It is extremely thorough, impressively so at times, and I learned a lot about this man who did some pretty exciting things in South American exploration. The Costin character is also pretty exciting. But I actually learned the most about James Murray, an Antarctic explorer who also went on a mission and was kind of a dumb ass. Which isn’t fair, because this story about Fawcett would be super biased.

Outside of filter issues, I do believe this movie has a bit too much going on. Although World War I ends up becoming an important change in his life, it feels so weird to spend so much time on that front (heh), when we have already had two expeditions and know that a third one is coming before the movie ends. And at the same time, I wish they explored a bit more of his relationship with his kids and wife. The ending also takes some liberties with what happened to Fawcett, because the truth is a lot more unclear than that.

And all of these points are still pretty minor. It is a well crafted film about a non well known subject, and one that will interest many sects of people.

For some reason, I tend to find movies about deserts pretty dry.

No but really, large amounts of a movie in the desert drain the life force out of me. I could not at all enjoy Sahara. It is why I am afraid to watch Last Days in the Desert. I felt like I was dying during Lawrence of Arabia. (Sacrilegious, don’t care).

And Queen of the Desert just looks like the much shorter, female version of Lawrence of Arabia.

Just people, probably feeling miserable. Miserable and hot.

Queen of the Desert is actually a true story about Gertrude Bell (Nicole Kidman). Not only did the movie just look like a female Lawrence of Arabia, she was basically doing the same thing as T.E. Lawrence and extremely well known for it. Shit, she KNEW Lawrence. We have someone playing Lawrence in this film. (Even the music is reminiscent of LoA, but at this point, I am now in the analysis part and probably sounding annoying).

The connections are never ending!

She traveled the middle easy, helped to figure out borders, dealt with different political regimes, and had some time for romance on the side.

Also starring David Calder, Damian Lewis, Christopher Fulford, Jenny Agutter, Jay Abdo, with James Franco as Henry Cadogan and Robert Pattinson as T.E. Lawrence.

Camels are about as much of a fashion statement as what dull color you will wear to match the dunes.

I probably never gave Queen of the Desert a fair shake, technically, but it really bored me to the ground. Occassionally something interesting would happen, but it is indeed just Gertrude Bell, doing things in the desert, getting famous and talking to political people, and then the movie ends. Sure, there is some potential romance as well. And I laughed when I saw Pattinson as T.E. Lawrence. Mostly because I was not expecting the character, but he was just so well shaven and I watched this movie right after The Lost City of Z, where Pattinson played a different historical figure but with a great beard.

What disappoints me about this film the most is not the dull feeling I had throughout, but instead that it was directed by the great Werner Herzog. He has directed so many qualities film, and to have this one just drag (thank goodness it wasn’t 3+ hours) made me question his purpose. Honestly, it looks like he just wanted to tell her story, and he should have just made a documentary about that subject instead. He is better at those.

I can’t even figure out how to talk more about this. Just pass this film, there is so much better out there. A book about Gertrude Bell will probably be more useful to your time. Or a wikipedia page.

If I named a movie The Rover, I would make it about an alien dog. One who knew how to speak and chose to live on the human world in disguise to learn and scout for his home evil dog planet. That seems like an aptly named movie title in my mind.

But instead we get one about a guy who wanders, who roves. And it is a subtle dystopian film?

And it is Australian?

Fine. You got me. I will give it a shot.

Hah. Looks like he will give it a shot too. Right? Right?

Set in Australia, this takes place ten years after a large economic collapse of the world that has changed a few things. That’s right, lawlessness won out not after nuclear war or global warming, but the fall of the economy. A whole bunch of different people moved to Australia to get away from it all, bringing more culture and more weirdos.

Three criminals are on the run after a robbery goes wrong. Henry (Scoot McNairy) and his two friends (Tawanda Manyimo, David Field) are arguing over something that went wrong and get into an accident because of it.

They need new wheels and stat, so they hot wire a car and skedaddle. But that car belonged to Eric Rover (Guy Pearce), who doesn’t actually have that last name. That’s a joke. They don’t tell us his last name (so I guess it could be Rover?). Eric really likes his car so he chases them down, they knock him out, and he is fucked. He really wants his car…

So he does whatever he can to find it damn it. And when he finds Henry’s brother, Rey (Robert Pattinson), all bloodied and angry, he uses the kid to find out Henry’s whereabouts. You know. To find his car.

One day I hope I can look so grizzled yet charming.

The Rover, despite its subtle nature, is in your face with its dark nature and completely unforgiving. By far more drama than action, it focuses on the mysterious characters and is vague on details on purpose.

Gritty in many ways, as a lot of these people are ruthless. People die without a second thought. The economic collapse did a lot to people. People lost their livelihoods, maybe their families, their jobs, their purpose for existing. Hard to not turn to crime, especially when no police force.

I liked the world that was built in the film. It was a unique way of looking at a world gone mad while also keeping it simple (stupid).

Guy Pearce is an interesting individual. He picks usually such unique and interesting roles, and for the most part, knocks it out of the park. He was the best part of Lockout and he was so good in this as well. This might be the best acting Robert Pattinson has done, but I still really liked him in Water For Elephants.

I think the most important aspect of The Rover is that it feels entirely unique without going to such grandiose scales to present itself. Despite it being pretty good, it is also a movie I can’t see watching too many more times in my life or even buying. So that is probably a notable factor.

Remember Me?

What have YOU done lately for me to remember, huh? Okay, one of you I guess was in Lost awhile ago. Went all crazy, had a baby. Then had some small pointless role in Once Upon A Time. So I can only really remember you from TV shows.

The other one? Well, you were just in Cosmopolis, and who knows what happened in that movie. You also gave Water To Elephants and kind of went passive Vampire for five movies.

Seriously. Not much to remember.

Oh wait. No. I will always remember you, Cedric Diggory.

The movie begins in 1991. A little girl, and her mom, waiting for a train in NYC. Muggers. Mom gets shot. Daughter is sad. Her dad was on the job, and could not save them.

FLASHFORWARD TEN YEARS LATER.

Ally Craig (Emilie de Ravin) is still living with her dad, Neil (Chris Cooper), who has been a NYC cop this whole time. There is some guilt there, I bet.

Meanwhile, at a different part of town, Tyler (Robert Pattinson) has moved out of his parents home. His parents are divorced. His dad, Charles (Pierce Brosnan), works in some really big building/workplace in NYC, is super rich, but has no time for his family. That is why he and the mom (Ruby Jerins, who really isn’t in this movie much), got divorced. Also, because one of their sons ended up killing themselves. Eek. Now Charles is ignoring his youngest child, a daughter, and it really pisses off Tyler.

Two attractive people in broken homes in 2001. Of course they meet each other. Well, only because Tyler gets arrested by Neil, over a silly dispute. Tyler and his friend hate Neil now, so the friend finds out he has a daughter. So Tyler should totally go out with her, sex her up, and break her heart. That will show that lame cop. Yeah. Yeah.

But love, though. Love.

See? Love.

I reviewed this movie on purpose today, and I think I left enough hints. So if you missed them, you probably were skim reading and not paying attention to details. Probably not even a scientist! Either way, by now, you might realize something that happens in this film.

In fact, that something is basically the ending. Like a secret twist, that they were hinting at throughout.

Overall? I thought it was kind of lame, the ending. The event happens, they decide to not show any of it, and then we flash forward a year or so, to watch how all of the characters lives have changed in the meantime. It felt almost like a copout to me. I wanted more, damn it.

The rest of the film before hand I didn’t think was that bad. Sure, I didn’t feel too sorry for either characters situation. Neither actor really fit the role they were given, in my mind, so it was hard to believe.

But I did like the acting. Actually, I thought Robert Pattinson did incredible in this movie. Better acting from him than any other movie I have seen him in, and I have now seen NINE of them. Nine fucking movies with Robert Pattinson, holy shit. This is his top one. I think he had top notch emotions and really felt his anger over his father and family, despite not believing his role on its own.

Yeah, I don’t get it either. So unfortunately, despite his great acting, I probably will not remember him for this movie, because his other roles are just too gosh darn famous. But I’d say overall, it is okay on its own, if not a little bit slow. Sorry for ruining the ending. But not really.

Ah, another movie that I watch knowing nothing about. Who doesn’t love these?

But I will figure it out from the title. Cosmopolis. Uhh. City life. And Fashion. Yeah, lets’s say that.

Or a space odyssey. Yeah, I got nothing.

Featuring a kick ass limo. For 75% of the movie!

Eric Packer (Robert Pattinson) is a big CEO billionaire in NYC. Yes, he is young too. Get at him girls.

But today, he wants a haircut. Only one place will do. Problem is there is bad traffic, and he is stuck inside his limo most of the way. Weird shit going on, protests, riots, whatever. So a lot of the movie takes place inside his limo, as he has meetings, sex, and appears elsewhere without notice.

I could describe it all and tag all the people, but frankly, it is confusing and hard to remember. I was lost, and I hated myself for watching it. Sounds intense, but it is true.

The last 20 minutes, however, features Paul Giamatti. Did you know someone was trying to assassinate Eric as well? Shit. That sucks. But who does Paul play and why would he want to kill a harmless billionaire?

Look at Robert. LOOK AT HIM. So fancy.

Cosmopolis is about 100 minutes, and that leaves about 70-80 minutes of confusing material.

I had to rewatch the ending before giving this review, because the conversation between the two is quite long and deep, and I wanted to make sure I got it all in. The conversation itself was a great one, but I wouldn’t say it excuses the first 4/5 of the movie for being confusing and strange.

If you watch it, and can understand it all, let me know. Again, the ending I thought was very deep and almost even well acted (thanks to Paul G). Robert Pattinson wan’t actually bad, just his character was emotionally distant so it was hard to like or care about.

Maybe the book makes more sense?

Holy shit. There have been 300 movie reviews on my website since I last did a Twilight movie, Breaking Dawn Part 1. I might as well link Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse too, even though they are tagged as Milestone Reviews now. In case you need to catch up, that is! Obviously this review and the others are chock full of spoilers, I am going to say everything. If you care about that shit, don’t read.

That is right, I had to time my movie watching the last month and a half to make sure I got to see Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2 at the midnight release, and review it right away for the big 650. This is the only Twilight movie I have seen in theaters, the others I saw alone in the solace of my room, where no one can judge me. But nope. Today was Twilight day, complete with collectors cup.

Proof, least someone call me out on mendacity.

Since you all automatically care about what I care about when reading my reviews, I can give you the unfortunate news. They have been slowly squeezing Anna Kendrick out of these movies, and I can tell you now she does not have a single scene in the finale. However, in the credits, they do a “whole series” credits, and a scene with her at the wedding from part 1 was shown when they showed her name. That is all. If you need to see Anna Kendrick, march on over to the fabulous movies End Of Watch or Pitch Perfect, you will get a lot of her.

“Why aren’t you talking about me? I’m actually in this movie. Do you SEE these hands?”

Bella (Kristen Stewart)! She opened her eyes! Bitch is a vampire now! She was only dead for two days, so it wasn’t entirely weird. However she is super strong now, and craves blood. Like all newbies, she will find that shit insatiable, and if there is a bleeding human nearby she will bleed them dry. So Edward (Robert Pattinson) takes her far from civilization and her kid to hunt a deer.

Too bad she finds a human anyways. And well, on her first try? Totally stops the urge. Oh okay, well, that was one problem dealt with, kind of instantly.

What gave her the even more super strength? Well, fuck you, that’s what.

Anyways, she wants to see her kid damn it. With the entirely ridiculous name of Renesmee. But something is different. In two days she has grown a bit (and looks incredibly CGI fake for some reason. But she doesn’t noticed that). Not to mention Jacob (Taylor Lautner) is STILL hanging around despite the death thing. What the fuck Jacob, go home? Wait Bella, you wanted him around when you were dying, why you so mad?

Oh, because your daughter in fetus form wanted Jacob around? And now that he FUCKING IMPRINTED ON HER, bonding them together forever, he doesn’t want to leave either. DUDE, she is a baby! They make sure we know it doesn’t mean like, sex, but still, what? Come on Jacob. She is like, 3. Three days.

“And your next gift is wrapped up in my trousers.”

Turns out Bella is really good at Vampiring. Natural, pretty convenient for the plot movement, I do say. But what about her dad? They have to pretend she died and THEN move again, or else he might stop by and see her. All very sketch, but it has to be done, or else you know, their secret could be let lose.

Well, pouty Jacob face doesn’t like that. So he does what any good godfather (maybe? Let’s say sure, it is less creepy) would do. Give us our gratuitous shirt taking off scene and transform into a (Were)wolf in front of the dad (Billy Burke) to bring him into the fold. Aww, how sweet.

I mean, clearly that was the best option. No, he doesn’t explain vampires. Just kind of transforms and tells him to deal with it.

But then there is another problem. Remember that baby? That was formed and birthed in like four weeks? Turns out she is still growing at a fast rate. Really fast. After a few months she looks like she is six. She can also pass on memories to other people that she sees, pretty cool, kind of weird, but hey, we don’t judge shitty powers here. Speaking of shitty powers, Bella gets one too (other than self control over eating humans). She can block mental powers and other powers. Only on her self, and always, but hey, if she tries hard enough she might be able to give it to others.

Either way, while frolicking in the winter time, Irina (Maggie Grace), still upset over the wolves eating her mean lover from that first or second movie, hard to tell, sees the child and immediately thing it is an immortal child. A vampire, bitten at a young age, before they can control their shit, which can cause all the pain in the world. Take down cities in a tantrum. She would know, her mom made her sister an immortal child, and lots of heads were cut off and babies burned as a result. Serious shit. So she tells on them to the Italian vampires, and they don’t like the sound of that!

The caption two pictures ago was referring to Jacob’s penis.

Well fuck. They are serious, and hate that shit. So they plan on killing the child and those who made it. You know, eventually. The next time it snows or something, because snow fights are sexy.

But that isn’t a problem. They just have to prove that she isn’t immortal, and they will go away. Well, apparently these people are jerks and will find another excuse to kill a vampire once they make up their mind. Oh okay, well the next best solution is for them to travel the world and visit all of that one guys old friends. If they come see the child, see her grow, they will have witnesses that she is alive and growing. Kind of weird, but definitely not an immortal child. Then there can be happiness!

Happiness and potential racism.

Sure, it also looks like they have a mini army too, especially with the wolves on their side now (always down to kill the vamps, yo). But they lost some numbers, Alice (Ashley Greene), their future sight person has left and no one knows why. Oh well, if for some reason the Italians still don’t care, they are now willing to fight back. If that shit hits the fan, Jacob will just take Renesmee and run far away forever, and everyone else will die. Peachy!

Well, snow falls, so it is time for a standoff. Literally. They then talk for a long ass time. The main guy (Michael Sheen) can touch people and see their memories. So he does that, and well, seriously, they are all telling the truth. Oh well, so he kills the bitch for lying. Now he is just trying to egg on the good guys. Nothing is working though, and he really wants to kill a kid today. Dang it.

So he gives a speech on why the unknown is bad, because humans have bombs, so they should kill anyways. But wait, Alice returns (and she was only gone for two paragraphs in my retelling!). Now he can look into her memories, to see the future and prove that she won’t later be a threat.

Well. Uhh. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t care about the truth, he just really wants to kill a kid. So you know what that means.

Fight time, yeahhhhhhhhhhhh!

Heads. Fucking. Roll. This overtly ridiculous fight scene happens, and Jacob runs away with the child. The best way to kill a vampire seems to be beheading and burning, and boy do we see some decapitations. It’s like Oprah was giving them away. You will be shocked at who dies. So many good guys, and bad guys. Remember Dakota Fanning? She was evil or something, didn’t speak much. She got defaced hard.

Hell, the Earth ended up getting ripped open, so we could see the Magma! So many vampires were burning. With the power of teamwork and tossing a girl mid kick, they were able to beat the Italians and behead them all.

Or did they? Seriously. Big spoiler about to happen. Calm your tits and get out of here if you don’t want to know.

None of that happens. Fuck you. It was all part of Alice’s future vision. Well shit, that guy doesn’t want to die. If he can see the future and know he is going to die, certain retreat seems like a good idea, even if he can’t explain why.

“LOLOLOL JK GUYS, lets leave. For seriously.”

Yep. Not only that, but Alice found another half immortal person. Luckily enough, he only aged for about 7 years, making him look middle aged, and then he has been immortal ever since. Been alive for 150 years, and isn’t a child. Well that is super convenient. If only Jacob could live forever, because then he’d get to have a lot of weird ass wolfman, half vampire, pedophile like fucking in his future.

Annnd movie. Yes, they didn’t actually solve their biggest problems, just delayed it. But no worries, Alice saw the future. They are good to go.

They also fixed the sparkle in the sun thing. Well, they didn’t say that in the movie. But I mean, they aren’t sparkling here in the final scene of the movie. I doubt they’d forget that aspect of the vampires at the last moment. Right? Right?

And there you have it! The twilight franchise is now done, until they reboot it in a few years. Pretty exciting right?

I think I already made this twice as long as my normal big reviews, which is strange, because the stuff in this movie was only half of the book, yet had so much material. My biggest complaints in the first movies was not the bad acting, but the lack of content. I would have ended the first movie like, halfway through book two. Would have made a more logical stopping point, and I think two would have ended at the end of three. Hard to remember anymore. Especially since Eclipse felt like a filler in between them saying “Hey lets get married” and them finally getting married.

But holy fuck, I think I actually found myself interested in the actions of this movie. First off, it was funnier. Jacob provided more humor relief, and not just because of all the pedophile tendencies. The fight scenes were a lot more entertaining and graphic. Even though most of them turned out to be fake in the end, which made me SO FUCKING PISSED OFF.

WHAT, WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT COP OUT? Also not to mention fixing the “Oh no, our daughter is aging super quickly, but no worries, she will stop at the great age and be amazing” part in like 2 seconds at the end. Cookie cutter that ending yo.

Despite that rage. I still overall found it more enjoyable. Maybe I am just a rambling lunatic at this point. But it was nice that they included their romance, with out 40 minutes of wedding and honeymoon awkwardness. Including more werewolf personalities. Making me actually learn more vampire names. Having stereotype characters. I was fine with most of that.

So all in all, I would say that the movie (which I am told matched the book pretty well) was actually a good ending to the series. The problem with the series is that there are still four movies before this one before you find something kind of entertaining enough to pay attention too.

This is the 350th movie review! For 300, I was unable to review this movie, and so instead did the High School Musicals. But since the movie is finally coming out on DVD, hooray harooh.

Twilight: Breaking Dawn, Part 1 is the first half of the fourth movie/book/cash grab, behind Twilight, Twilight: New Moon, and Twilight:Eclipse.

Lets start with the Anna Kendrick update!

You can argue she has 1-3 scenes in this movie. But they are all in the first 15 minutes. Technically I could say she is just in the wedding scene. In the real one, apparently as a friend who just makes dumb jokes now, and in the dream one, no lines. Kinda gave a snippet of a toast. But that is all. Only a few glances in the first 15 minutes. It was weird watching her as some needy drunk girl too, since presumably she is like 19.

Only picture I could find of her at the wedding. Scarce!

So yeah, wedding happens. Very slowly. The only news that comes out of it is that Jacob is super mad (so much that he takes his SHIRT off! and runs away in the rain). That and Bella isn’t going to go Vampire that night. They are going to enjoy the honeymoon first.

You see he is mad, because that means they are going to have sex. A dead guy and a live girl.

So that wedding takes about 20 minutes of the movie. Bella rarely smiles of course (except when she sees Jacob? weird). Then they go to mysterious Rio De Janeiro for their honeymoon, which takes up at least 25 minutes of time. Yes. Honeymoon, where literally all they do is have some rough sex, and then mostly just relaxing on the beach, having fun time. Until Bella discovers something.

That she is disgustingly fat!

Yep, somehow Edward, a dead creature, that shouldn’t have blood flow to do youknowhat, impregnated a live chick. Uh oh. Shits a problem. [Side note, randomly in the beginning real quick Edward was all, oh yeah I used to kill humans a long time ago. But only bad humans. Dexter-esque, super random].

But yeah. According to random wear wolf lore, that baby is not good. It will be powerful. And it will kill Bella coming into the world. So technically if that happens, Edward would also have broken the “Treaty” between the two groups, by killing a human in their land. Killing one with his penis. (Apparently it is gray area turning her into a vampire willingly, in terms of why that is or isn’t an act of killing).

Picture: Killing Bella With Vampire Penis

At this point half of the movie is already over. If it feels like a lot of filler, that is because it is. Also if you have paid any attention to the other movies, you will know what the characters don’t.

Hmm, the only time the Cullen family tends to add a member to their ranks is because the person is already dying. Bella is going to die giving birth. She is SUPPOSED to be turned into a vampire already, because of those hooded people (who aren’t in this movie?). CONNECTION MADE. Clearly everyone knows that Edward will just get his bite on during birth, and they will have a weird vampire human baby, and she will go vampire, and everyone is alive. Right?

Wrong. I think that is what made me the most mad during the movie. That shit was obvious. They had weeks to plan this stuff. Never crossed anyone’s mind despite it happening all the time (not usually during birth). What the fuck?

The stupidness makes Jacob mad. Also, yes, that is Bella Birth blood stuff on Edward.

So the birth is weird. Apparently the baby grows freakishly fast. Like, weeks after sex it is time to go. Edward even speaks to the baby, cause he can read thoughts. During the actual birth, which is GROSS. So gross! I kind of wanted to vomit. During that, most of the vampires try to attack to kill the baby right away. Jacob, and two other wolves, and the vampires fend them off. No one gets close, no one gets hurt. Gotta love it.

I guess Bella is allowed to not smile now. The whole dying thing.

Guess what. Post Birthing, Bella is lying there dead-ish. Then Edwards get the bright idea, “OH HEY LETS MAKE YOU A VAMPIRE! YES!”. He starts biting her all over, looking for blood I guess. Finally hits it, blood becomes corrupt or something and good to go.

Also, the Wolves stop attacking. Why? Because as far as I can tell, they have some code, where they can claim a non werewolf, to love them and be there for them, as lover, brother whatever, and the tribe cant hurt them. Yeah. Jacob falls all sorts of in love with the baby.

Wait what?

Apparently the baby will grow super quickly. But ethically or morally I am not sure if pictures like this are appropriate.

How to make bestiality worse? Throw in pedophilia.

The final scene has Bella open her eyes to the picture below. I guess its supposed to be a powerful ending, but it isn’t at all. From the first movie you knew she’d be a vampire. The second one made it official, the third one set the date. The fourth one delayed the date, and ignored that fact until the end. But yes. She is now a vampire and a mom.

Of course its just part one, so I assume part two (The final movie?) will be about the swell times they have raising a family, and ignoring the hooded people. No more conflict right? Who knows.

But seriously, this movie is the worst of the movies so far. I hated how slow everything went. The first half was entirely too slow for what amounted to get married, and honeymoon sex. The second half just had them all worried about what they’d do, when they should have known what to do and just waited. That whole thing could have been like 30 minutes. Making this movie into two was stupid in terms of movie quality.

After all, if I thought most of New Moon could have been in Twilight, I’d see no reason to split up a book.

0 out of 4.

This is the 250th movie review! Which means more Twilight action, and more pictures.

Twilight: Eclipse is the third movie/book, behind Twilight and Twilight: New Moon.

Let us start with the important things first!

Anna Kendrick is barely in this movie again. Why is she even agreeing to do this? She was in an early lunch scene, to show that they are still in school? Then Valedictorian speech at graduation, and quick hey lets party, at the after party.

Here is what appears to be a photo Kendrick leaving the set from a stalker. Probably did all of her scenes in one day, so this is rare.

So what happens in this movie? First off, it turns out that red head bitch from the first and second movie (who I thought died in the second movie!) isn’t dead yet and /still/ causing problems. Really? Not only that, but it took me awhile to realize it was the same one, because a different actress was brought in. (Further research had me find out that Twilight fans were mad at the change, thinking the new person couldn’t do it as good as the last person. You know, the character who I easily ignored in the first two movies. What?).

“I’m important, notice me!”

This movie also gave you all the back story you didn’t know you wanted. I think at least two vampires told their “and then I became a vampire” tales. Additionally, with the “Were”wolves, we got to hear a story about how they started to hate vampires.

A sexy story told over a sexy campfire.

But yeah! Turns out red headed chick is making a small army of “firstyear” vampires in order to kill Bella. She is super mad about things from awhile ago. Apparently first year vampires are the worst. They are all, rawr, and shit. So they are more dangerous than actual vampires that are badass? Weird. So Kristen Stewart doesn’t like that. Thankfully, both Edward Cullen and Jacob Black want to protect her, so they join forces to train how to kill vampires. Very weird thing to train a mortal enemy, but hey. It is BELLA guys.

No one even wears a red shirt for the training.

So yeah. In other dramatic news. Edward keeps asking Bella to marry him. She keeps saying “make me a vampire first”. It is like Paradise by the Dashboard Lights all over again, but a role reversal. Bella is all fine living her whole life with him, but doesn’t want to “marry young” or else she will be a slut, or pregnant, or something. Her mom did it, and she doesn’t want too. Does that mean Bella is willing to risk turning into a vampire and leaving Edward? Maybe. There is after all…Jacob!

Who she also loves. But not as much. So the point is moot. Doesn’t stop a hot (and weird) tent scene, where Jacob has to warm her up because it is cold, and Edward cannot. Thankfully, the bros bond over the moment.

This is not an actual scene from the movie. But if it was, that’d be fucked up.

But Jacob is a dick and says he will still fight over Bella until she makes up her mind. Oh well. Even gets an awesome kiss out of it, making Edward mad. Bella is a bitch, really. Eventually, red headed chick finds Bella. But Jacob/Edward kills her and save Bella. (She turns to stone at death? And it was a lot easier death than the guy from the first movie. Hell, all the vampires were. WTF?).

But then the weird group from the other movie show up late to fix the problem. Didn’t even realize it was Dakota Fanning from New Moon. Oh well, as far as I can tell, they still have little point. They enforce rules I guess? Probably the final villains.

How could I miss that?? She even has the same red eyes.

So the movie ends where I thought we were at the end of the second. With the red headed chick dead, and Bella choosing Edward. But this time agreeing to marry him, then sex, then vampirism. Weird order, but alright. I would definitely choose vampire before sex. I wouldn’t say Sex with Edward would cause problems, but man, if he is dead / has no blood flow, how can he get it up? Also, it would probably fuck up your child somehow.

Thankfully this movie didn’t have long boring parts like the second. But instead of half of it feeling like it didn’t need to exist, it felt like most of it didn’t need to exist. I think the next movie will start right where I thought the second one ended.

But I will be disappointed, because now that high school is over, they have no real ways to fit Anna Kendrick into any more screen time.

This is the 200th movie review of the site! The only other “big milestone” was 150, as 50 and 100 existed with the site launch already. Because damn it, I want to provide content. To match the theme from 150, this will be a picture heavy review.

Twilight: New Moon is the sequel to the movie Twilight, and hopefully it will answer all of the questions that the first movie failed to answer. Like. Why do Jacob and Edward hate each other?

Actually. That is about all I really cared about from the first movie.

“u mad bro?”

The movie begins with Kristen Stewart turning 18. Like you would assume, this makes her feel like an old lady, to the hundred some year old Edward who is stuck at 17. In a decade, their relationship will feel pretty pedo-tastic. So they have a party to ignore the future, but one vampire smells her paper cut and flips a shit.

“bro, u mad?”

Edward does the right thing then, and breaks up with her and moves the family to some other miserably dreary town. That is about the first 10 minutes. THE NEXT 35 MINUTES IS HORRIBLE BORING TIME. Seriously. I don’t know whats up, but the next half hour is mostly about her being sad. Eventually, she starts hanging out with Jacob, because her dad is threatening to move her back to cheery Phoenix, and guess what, she likes his adrenaline. She also probably likes that he keeps taking off his shirt to clean wounds. Oh yeah. But after 45 minutes of movie, we find out that Edward is haunting her as a ghost.

“Bellllaaaaaaaaaaaa. Belllaaaaaaa!!!” He is really just missing some rattling chains.

At this point, a little bit more happens but I am kinda mad. Just like a bro would be. (Third reference is a charm?). If I don’t see any werewolves before the first hour, I just don’t see the point. Long story short, I am disappointed. Instead I get to see them watch a movie called Face Punch and Jacob get all testosteroned up and mad at some other guy. He then promises to love Bella. Sounds familiar. At least he isn’t an immortal freak monster.

Speaking of freak monsters, at minute 62 we get to see big giant wolves in the forest! They are chasing the Jamaican vampire from the last movie who was friendly. Apparently there is consequences for the last movie, and now they want to kill Bella. Him and the weird red headed one. 65 minutes in Jacob does very impressive acrobatics. 70 minutes in? SOMEONE TURNING INTO A LARGE WOLF THING. Gah. So does Jacob. Wolf fight!

I am so glad the internet knows exactly what I want.

As a side note, I am usually upset when a werewolf is depicted as just a large wolf. Not like, a standing up wolf, but just a bigger regular wolf. Other movies seem to be doing that now too. So the next bit of movie is them protecting her from the last vampire who wants to kill her. Fine. But she wants Edward back. So she jumps off of a cliff to make the ghost upset. It works, his sister shows up, and is all, oh. You are alive. Cool.

Jacob is upset because he is now madly in love with Bella. So he is mad at the vampires. Either way. Somehow Edward finds out about all of this crap, and thinks Bella is dead. So he does the reasonable thing. He goes to Rome to have the vampire law makers kill him.

Shirtless, of course, as its the common theme.

So somehow after all this, the final conflict seems to be getting there fast enough to make sure he doesn’t get himself killed? They do this. The council doesn’t care. But thankfully love happens, and she agrees to turn into a vampire. So they spare him? Yay. Very easy ending. And, much like the last movie, the final “oh no conflict” seems to have come out of no where from the first 90 minutes of movie.

So they vote, yay, she can be a vampire. But first? More Edward and Jacob Angst. Bella tells Jacob that she wants Edward, (probably just wants to live forever) and to get away. The reason why they haven’t been killing each other (because werewolves only kill vampires? What?) is some treaty crap. It ends if they ever bite a human. Like Bella. Dun dun dun. And scene!

But here is another shirtless photo, to take on the road.

So, overall? This movie was way too long. The first hour could have been condensed a lot more. Instead of being about vampires, it seems like the first half was about nothing at all. Then some werewolf stuff. Then attempted suicide far away (Despite Edward not being in most of the movie). Then some quarrels. Then end. Like. I feel like they didn’t even want it to be full movie.

Minutes 70-95 seem to be a real ending to the first movie, but they also put filler in between it. This stuff needs to be shifted so that the first movie could have felt more complete. Maybe take the next hour of the third movie and put it on this one for a better experience? I don’t know. I won’t for another 50 reviews.

I think we can all also agree that Anna Kendrick‘s role was greatly diminished in this movie, much to my disappointment.