The LEGO Batman Movie

If you are new here, I have rallied against animated films so far this year. We just had a summer with Cars 3 and Despicable Me 3, both incredibly bad to super bad films. And these are our tent pole films for the year more or less!

There is very little hope of animated films saving it by the end of the year, but I openly acknowledge that I had not yet seen The LEGO Batman Movie. I know a lot of people enjoyed it, our first LEGO movie since The LEGO Movie.

But I am one of the people who only gave The LEGO Movie a 3 out of 4, it was no where close to being my favorite animated movie of the year, but it was quality and hilarious, I give you that. Despite that, I was never looking forward to this movie. I was disappointed to hear it as a sequel.

I want some new original LEGO content, not relying specifically (mostly?) on pop culture content from a single established franchise. I also acknowledge that the previous LEGO film was FULL of pop culture content, but it wasn’t entirely. This just feels…well, unoriginal.

Now that brightly colored chap, he seems like a great way to take any brooding franchise.

Ah yes, Gotham, city of villains and crime and 1 super rich dude and some vigilantism. Batman (Will Arnett) is the best and everyone loves him! But he lives a life alone, mostly hanging out in his house, sometimes interacting with Alfred (Ralph Fiennes). But you know, just being a lone with all his money, cool gadgets, and lobsters.

He is still really good at fighting crime though, and even when the Joker (Zach Galifianakis) gets a shit ton of villains to work together to blow up the city, Batman still stops them. Even worse, Batman refuses to acknowledge the Joker as his greatest villain, his foil, his reason for Batmanning. So now the Joker feels bad. Batman just shuts the door on everyone!

However, with a new commissioner in Barbara Gordon (Rosario Dawson), they are going to focus less on Batman and more on actually catching these bad guys who still terrorize the streets. And you know, maybe focus on getting them fixed instead of just imprisoned. And shit, it starts to work, so Batman has even less to do and no one to hang out with in his increased downtime. Except for Dick Grayson (Michael Cera), whom he accidentally adopted.

Of course eventually some stuff happens and things get really bad, but Batman has to learn to work with others if he is going to defeat this new threat!

Featuring an incredible slew of famous people doing extremely minor voices, because YOLO. Seriously, most of these people have like, 1-2 lines, or grunts, or one scene.Again most, there are like two people thrown in here who have slightly more lines. Totally pointless for the most part still, so, whatever. We got Adam DeVine, Billy Dee Williams, Channing Tatum, Conan O’Brien, Doug Benson, Eddie Izzard, Ellie Kemper, Hector Elizondo, Jason Mantzoukas, Jemaine Clement, Jenny Slate, Jonah Hill, Kate Micucci, Mariah Carey, Riki Lindhome, Seth Green, and Zoe Kravitz.

And just think, that wall of text is just the famous people you know who did voices.

Right away in the film, we get introduced to the Joker and his plans to take over Gotham once and for all, with a giant team of villains on his side, which are all presumably real Batman villains. Action, fighting extreme. I was shocked it happened so early, but since this film mostly deals with Batman’s loneliness, we needed to just get him doing Batman stuff, so we could see him existing waiting to do more Batman stuff.

And that part was just…okay. It didn’t connect with me on an emotional level or anything, because this is a film focused on comedy, so it went for quick jokes instead. And to contrast the opening, the ending is long and even more action packed. Even more villains, many more than you’d expect in a Batman movie, and explosions, and action and…

Being overwhelmed. That is what this movie felt like. It went to the extremes early on, then it went to the extremes in the end. In the middle, it is mostly lowkey, plot stuff. My body didn’t enjoy the “rollercoaster”. It failed to find a middle ground, and frankly, basically all of the action felt so excessive that it was not enjoyable from my point of view.

The best parts of the film were just Batman interacting with Robin and Barbara, regular dialogue for regular jokes. But the majority of the plot was off, along with my earlier complaint. It was an okay film when it comes to entertainment, but not one I am rushing off to buy and talk about over and over, like The LEGO Movie.

And now, also this year, we have The LEGO Ninjago Movie? This is based on their own IP, so hopefully they stick to their own stories to give a good film and don’t rely so heavily on other franchises pop culture references.

2 out of 4.

Kubo and the Two Strings

Technically, yes, I have a few biases going into watching Kubo and the Two Strings. But for plenty of good reasons.

Laika, the makers of this film, have a pretty damn solid track record. Coraline, ParaNorman, The Boxtrolls, these guys are stop motion geniuses and their name means quality.

The Boxtrolls also had the best trailers of any film that year. Kubo and the Two Strings? The first and only trailer I watched was decent. It wasn’t as creatively done, but the story itself felt original, large scaled, and awesome awesome.

So yeah, I’ve been excited to see this movie for over a year. This has been my most anticipated animated film all year, even more so than Moana. I am only human, let me be excited.

Shit, this kid is so bad ass he only needs one eye.

Kubo (Art Parkinson) is a 10 or 11 year old boy, and yeah, he is missing an eye. He lives with his mother (Brenda Vaccaro) in a cave by a village. She is out of it, as she had a head injury when Kubo was just a baby, escaping from a threat. A lot of her day is spent staring out in the sea, but sometimes she remembers and tells him stories of his father, a great samurai.

His dad apparently died when he was a baby protecting him. From who? From his grandfather (mom’s dad), the Moon King (Ralph Fiennes) and her sisters (Rooney Mara). The Moon King took Kubo’s eye for reasons and he wanted the other eye as well. So they have been in hiding, Kubo has not been allowed out at night or else he would be discovered. During the day he would love to tell stories in the village, using a magical shamisen to bring origami and paper to life to create wonderful visuals.

Well, as we all know, eventually he is discovered. And a lot of bad things happen. But now Kubo finds himself in the middle of nowhere, with a talking monkey by his side. A talking monkey?! Yes, a toy he always carried was brought to life to protect him, named Monkey (Charlize Theron). And eventually, also a great samurai turned beetle samurai named Beetle (Matthew McConaughey). Kubo can tell a tale, but he is not a namer.

Kubo and the gang have to find three parts of a legendary armor, heard only in stories. They are the only things that might be able to protect him from his grandfather and protect his remaining eye. Oh, and sure, George Takei voices a villager, and I am 90% certain he says “Oh My” at some point.

Holy shit, the moon sisters are straight out of my nightmares.

Kubo and the Two Strings exceeded all of my expectations and gave me a tale for the ages. Laika, known for their stop animation films, still keep up with the design, but also use a lot of CGI for building backgrounds and certain special effects. Despite the CGI, the world is still incredibly immersive and easy to get lost in.

I unfortunately didn’t get to see the movie in 3D, but even without it, I felt like I was almost a part of their world with the large movie screen. Every character was rich and unique, the colors vivid, and of course the dialogue was amusing and dark intertwined.

Kubo goes to some scary places and deals with a lot of real and scary situations. They deal with death, being alone, mystery, and more death. They really went hard on those “thematic elements” in its PG rating. But it of course also deals with friendship, family (in the positive way), memories, and coping with loss. Some more heavy subjects, but more positive.

The voice acting was also better than I expected. Seeing the big names, I rolled my eyes, but McConaughey, Theron, and Fiennes all did amazing jobs.

Do yourself a favor. See Kubo and see him in theaters. Go on the adventure to hear and see his story. I for one want to see the adventure again and again.

4 out of 4.

A Bigger Splash

As a big man, I would like to think I was an expert on big splashes. It kind of just comes with the territory. Now, my belly flopping days are definitely over, as any attack to my stomach has me keeling over, but there is still a lot of back and ass available to turn your regular pool into a tidal pool.

That being said, I had no fucking clue what A Bigger Splash movie was about going in.

From the cast, it looked weird. From the director, it looked foreign. From the quick synopsis it looked pretentious.

However, had they told me there would be dancing, I would have watched it even sooner!

In this world, you would have heard the name Marianne Lane (Tilda Swinton). She was a big time rock superstar and world famous. Man could she sing. You just won’t hear a lot of that in this film, because she had some vocal problems and had to have some surgery. So now she is staying in a nice villa in a small island village in Italy to rest and get away from it all. She is staying with her long time boyfriend, Paul De Smedt (Matthias Schoenaerts).

This vacation is perfect for gratuitous amounts of sex and just being naked. But then they get found out. An old friend, Harry (Ralph Fiennes) figured out where they were staying. Old friend meaning producer and former boyfriend of Marianne. Despite his outgoing personality and awkward party past, they invite him to stay in their house. He also brought his 22 year old daughter, Penelope (Dakota Johnson), whom Harry just found out even existed.

A troubled past, the vacation setting, and not really knowing everyone lead to some very awkward circumstances. Especially when characters feel the past has not yet been fully settled.

Also featuring Corrado Guzzanti as a police officer, who looks like an older Italian Michael Shannon.

Shit, even I’d be willing to eat outside if ti looked like that.

First thing I learned is that A Bigger Splash is not just some weirdly Italian original film, it is a remake of an actual Italian film from 1969, La Piscine. Typical Hollywood, always remaking shit. (This is a joke, because this is not a Hollywood movie and no one fucking knows about La Piscine.)

Secondly, look at all the naked people. There are four famous people in this movie, and you will see them all. Some more than others. I got to see Ralph Fiennes’ Lobby Boy, if you catch my drift. I feel like everything Dakota Johnson has been in lately involves her just being naked half the time. It is almost ridiculous. If you hate the site of a naked body, you will not want to see this film.

Thirdly, Fiennes danced incredibly and I wish it was more of the film.

Those are all the weird points I had to make. If I had to talk about the movie itself, I would probably mention that the cinematography is gorgeous. And by gorgeous, I of course mean the setting. But also the camera was just straight up weird and all over the place in the film, almost a fifth main character.

The acting is top notch. The situations are awkward. The soundtrack and sound effects were on top.

I think my biggest problem is that it just felt so incredibly long. It is a little over 2 hours and the last 20-30 minutes seem to drag. Based on this type of movie, after the climatic events, I expected almost every scene after it would be the last. But no, it kept going and it really brought down the film for me.

You would be hard pressed to find a weirder movie this year, that also takes place in a realistic setting with realistic circumstances.

3 out of 4.

Hail, Caesar!

Fuck yes. I am hyped. I am beyond hyped. I am too hyped.

I am hyped because I am excited to see Hail, Caesar!, potentially the first great movie of the year. We are out of January, and things can start to look up, if only for a little bit.

But hold the fucking phone. Two years ago, on the first Friday of February 2014, a different movie came out that I was super hyped for. That was The Monuments Men. I assume everyone knows that The Monuments Men ended up being one of the most disappointing films of that year, given that it had such an excellent cast and potential, but it was entirely squandered.

And George Clooney starred in both of them. Arguably there is more talent behind the scenes this time, but he has let me down before almost two years to the day.

So I am going in a bit timid. Excited, hoping for the best, but weary nonetheless.


In the 1950’s, Hollywood was a rough place. It was chaotic. There was no CGI. The sets were big and the egos were bigger. Heck, people were talking and singing in movies now. In color. Everything is splashy and outlandish.

Eddie Mannix (Josh Brolin) is a man who loves his wife and kids and is a devout Catholic. But he is a hard ass and he knows what needs to be done. He is one of the heads of Capitol studios, the biggest studio in Hollywood, and he is a fixer. He works long hours, looks at the film dailies, and make sure everything goes according to plan. That means makes sure the actors are where they are, finding replacements, protecting the image of everyone working there from a potential disaster. He is a one man wrecking crew, but like, the opposite of wrecking, because he saves everything.

So when Baird Whitlock (George Clooney) goes missing from his set of Hail, Caesar!, a giant historic epoch of a Roman general who met Jesus before he was crucified and became a believer, Mannix was on the case.

Mannix will also have to deal with a western actor being forced into serious drama (Alden Ehrenreich), the acclaimed director who cannot stand it (Ralph Fiennes), a singing swimming starlet whom is pregnant but unmarried (Scarlet Johansson), gossip columnists (Tilda Swinton), and maybe leaving this job behind for a similar, better paying, easier job in the tech industry. He doesn’t have to worry about Burt Gurney (Channing Tatum) though, he’s perfect.

Also featuring Frances McDormand, Jonah Hill, Veronica Osorio, and Alison Pill. They all basically have only one scene. But Heather Goldenhersh has a bunch, still minor.

Every good film has a mermaid in it.

Oh you Coen brothers. You sly devils. I originally watched the trailer for Hail, Caesar! assuming it would be a period peace film. I love Ancient Rome things, and I would love it if they decided to put their hats into that ring. But it wasn’t about ancient Rome, it was about Hollywood and many film genres of the 1950’s. They decided to go meta with it, allowing multiple story lines and themes, providing a bit of satire along the way.

Well, I still hope in the future they give me a movie about Ancient Rome with George Clooney in it. I will be wait. Thankfully, Hail, Caesar! was a great movie to watch to help pass the time.

H,C! was hilarious. It really had my funny knee in stitches. I might be getting some of that terminology wrong, but I giggled quite hard many a time. In particular, I loved the religious round table, the scenes between Ehrenreich and Fiennes, and the song and dance numbers. Ehrenreich killed it in this film, despite still being relatively unknown. He has the same sort of vocal twang he had in Beautiful Creatures that made me so happy, so I was glad to hear it again.

Brolin did a nice job of carrying the film, although his character felt like a lot of his previous roles. Clooney and Tatum were also swell.

What can I say? The Coen brothers are a great team. They know how to write together and direct together. They consistently put out high quality entertainment, even though not everything is a guaranteed hit, you know there is a good chance it will at least still be zany.

4 out of 4.


Bond Bond Bond. In case you missed my other reviews on the subject, I have no craps about Bond growing up. My parents didn’t care, so I didn’t get him in my impressionable youth phase, so the only Bond films have had Daniel Craig at the helm.

Casino Royale was okay, Quantum of Solace was terrible, Skyfall was interesting, and now we have Spectre. The internet tells me that the wiki page has spoilers on the subject and the trailer gives too much away. Apparently Spectre is a reference to an older Bond villain from a past film and they are redoing it. I think?

The good news is, I won’t have to compare it to something decades ago. Like always, I will just look at this film and see if I like it as a stand alone action spy film. And for those who are counting, this is the FIFTH Spy movie of the year. After Kingsman: The Secret Service, The Man From U.N.C.L.E., Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation, and of course, Spy. Strangely enough, the other 4 were all good movies. This might be the best year of Spy film ever recorded. Assuming the grand daddy of spy films can end the streak with a bang.

I’m sure this is just a metaphor.

Do you remember the last three films? Because you will need to. You especially need to know that M (Judi Dench) died in the last movie, and now there is a new M (Ralph Fiennes). The 00 program is potentially going to get shut down, what with half of their building destroyed in the last program and all. They have a new commander, who we will call C (Andrew Scott), who is going to bring all of the British agencies together and more transparent.

Bond (Daniel Craig) don’t give a damn. He opens the movie in Mexico City on the Day of the Dead, killing an assassin and a few other people who planned on blowing up a stadium! This doesn’t help his cause, and he gets house arrested in London for the time being, complete with GPS nanobot tracking in his blood. But like I just said, Bond don’t give a damn. He was told to kill the assassin, Marco Sciarra (Alessandro Cremona), by M (dead one) herself! She sent him a video from beyond the grave to get it done, should she die. So of course he followed orders.

However, in killing Sciarra, he stumbles upon a large and secret organization calling itself Spectre. His only clues involve using Sciarra’s wife, now widow, Lucia (Monica Bellucci) to find the organization and find The Pale King who is also involved in their bad evil guy plans…somehow.

Spectre is led by the mysterious Oberhauser (Christoph Waltz) who seems to know an awful lot about Bond. We also have returning favorites, Q (Ben Winshaw), Moneypenny (Naomie Harris), and Tanner (Rory Kinnear). Also returning is Mr. White (Jesper Christensen) from the first two films, and introducing his daughter, Madeleine Swann (Léa Seydoux). And of course Dave Bautista as scary intimidating no talking killer, Hinx.

This is…also a metaphor? Is Bond getting religious?

Spectre is not what it is hyped up to be. Heck, if you look at my reviews for the other spy movies that came out this year, you will see that they all earned higher marks, making Spectre, technically, the worst spy film of the year. The good news is that it is still at least okay or average and not complete shit.

Here is what is wrong with the film. Bellucci is used in like one scene, and never seen from again. Most of the actors don’t seem to be giving it their all. They really forced the love interest in this film, none of it felt believable and trying to make it a for sure thing is just lazy writing. A lot of lines I couldn’t even understand, due to mumbles or louder sound moments, allowing me to miss jokes and important plot points. There are plot twists, technically, but everyone you can see coming from miles away in the first 20-30 minutes.

But most of my complaints revolve around Waltz and his villain. First of all, Waltz is normally fantastic, but again, his character was always reserved and never felt scary or intimidating. His character also felt like he was barely in the film until the end. We needed a lot more of him for him to reach his true big bad scary levels. Most Bond fans know everything about the villain already, as there is only one notable Spectre leader. However when the reveal occurs, it is also mumbled quickly and then ignored. So for a non serious Bond fan, it does nothing, and for the serious ones, well, they knew it was coming all along.

They connected the villain from this film to the last three, but it all felt shoe horned, offering only a quick explanation and then moving on. More details would have helped understand the bad guys motivations, outside of the vague backstory they gave him. The villain also had a cool brain altering needle that would just take out important functions for whoever is getting tortured. Well. Bond had two pricks, and basically everything that was said would happen, did not. What the hell even was the point?

And the ending itself felt forced and dare I say, heavy handed.

Not saying there weren’t moments I didn’t like. I loved the intro, both in Mexico City (which opened with a very long shot), and the credits, with all the octopus imagery. Q and M were good. The Rome car chase, the train fight scene, and the plane ridiculousness were all very entertaining and well shot. Classic Bond moments from them all.

2 out of 4.

The Invisible Woman

Oh man, we got a period drama here.

The Invisible Woman! Not at all about the Fantastic Four reboot either. No, it is about Charles Dickens having an affair before he died. Yeah, and we get a whole movie about it, because why not, Dickens was a famous person!

This is a movie that is going to go super heavy into the drama/romance aspect.

But thankfully we get intense and unusual facial hair. My favorite!

Charles Dickens (Ralph Fiennes) is very Dickens-y. He is writing books, writing plays, and acting and directing him too. Oh what fun, high society Victorian era is!

He has a wife (Joanna Scanlan) who lives him, but she is uhh, homely. So when he meets young Nelly (Felicity Jones) he is smitten. She is beautiful, after all!

So he wants to tap that. Despite his marriage. Despite how inappropriate it all is. Hell, he even has her mother’s (Kristin Scott Thomas) permission. After all, it would do good for her career to be on the good graces of someone so influential.

Then you know, eventually Dickens dies. End of movie basically. Also staring Tom Hollander!

Shit, Pharrell’s Hat has nothing on this one.

Now I have to ask myself this question. Why does this movie at all matter? Well, in honesty, it doesn’t at all matter. I have said it before, and said it again: Just because something is a true story, doesn’t mean it warrants its own movie.

The reason this has its own movie is because Charles Dickens was a famous writer in Victorian times. The woman was invisible because no one knew about the affair until she wrote memoirs on the subject. After all, Dickens was married.

But this affair on its own is nothing special. Like, absolutely nothing special. Just an affair, then he dies, then nothing else. Ho Hum.

So, the story is weak. How is the acting? The clothing? The dialogue? All of those are top notch. I just wish there was a plot worth watching to go along with it.

2 out of 4.

The Grand Budapest Hotel

Hah. Wes Anderson. For those that don’t read every post I make, Wes Anderson is a strange guy for me. Every movie I reviewed for the site that he directed, I have love love loved. But that was only two movies. The other one I saw I just didn’t really get, and thought it was weird. Yet still, I was excited for this new one.

So excited, I am pretty pissed off that they forced The Grand Budapest Hotel to be a limited release. It broke some records for its release. Like, most money gained from a super super limited release. But only two cities? That is crap. There is no reason for that. I am lucky I even got to see it so soon as I had to drive three hours to see it, weeks after its “release date”. Maybe I am more annoyed because it wasn’t even advertised as a limited release, so I have to imagine it was just a last minute change.

But I guess I expected Anderson to be a dick if he could, so there is that.

This story in a story is about The Grand Budapest Hotel, as you might have guessed. It used to be a…grand old place, but recently, it has gone under some bad times. The clientele is no longer the elite, the staff is no longer extremely efficient, and really it is in shambles. That is why a young writer (Jude Law) is so interested to meet its current owner, Mr. Moustafa (F. Murray Abraham), to hear his story about he acquired the hotel and his vast fortune.

M. Gustave (Ralph Fiennes) is a man amongst boys. He used to be the concierge, a god amongst men. Working morning to night, every day, he made sure the rich guests felt welcome at the hotel and would do anything to please them. Including the extremely rich Madame D (Tilda Swinton) who stays at the hotel for weeks every year.

Well, she dies, mysteriously. Also, her will was changed last minute as well it seems. Apparently M. Gustave was left her priceless painting, pissing off the ungrateful and evil family. Now, they also think M. Gustave killed her!

It is up to the help of his Lobby Boy, Zero (Tony Revolori) to help prove his innocence, get him out of jail, and in general, save the day!

Also featuring a shit ton of people. Here they are, roughly, in order of importance: Willem Dafoe, Adrien Brody, Edward Norton, Jeff Goldbloom, Saoirse Ronan, Mathieu Amalric, Jason Schwartzman, Bill Murray, and Owen Wilson.

This scene represents birth.

Ahhhh, quirky Wes Anderson movie!

This one took a little bit to get going, trying to figure out just what the movie would be about. It takes place over three time periods, technically, so the story needs time to get started.

But when it does? Man. This movie was hilarious. Ralph Fiennes, although I don’t know how to say his name, is a terrific actor and a charismatic character in this film. You can’t take your eyes off of him whenever he is on the screen. And it works so well. Much laughter, much ridiculousness.

This film has a lot of Anderson standards, with his camera work and use of colors.

The Grand Budapest Hotel is also a bit more crass than his other recent movies. Some nakedness, some death scenes, all a bit extreme. But I think that made it a little bit better.

Definitely as good as the trailer made it seem to be, and one of the best early movies of 2014.

4 out of 4.


Coriolanus gets the disctinction for being another movie that took me a long ass time to watch. It came out roughly the summer of 2012, and I got it then too. Just. Never. Watched it. Shit, my parents watched it right away, and somehow I just forgot about it. Well, the opportunity came up for me to watch it on Blu-Ray instead, so I rented it, despite owning it. Why? Because then I had a time limit to watch it! If I didn’t watch it before today, I would have wasted money.

I can’t be wasting money. Unless you call renting a movie you own anyways wasting money. Remember when I said I forgot about it? I mean literally forgot that it existed. Whoops. Fuck.

Bad Asses
Never forget about Voldemort and The Phantom. They don’t take kindly to that.

Initially, the plot description confused me. “A banished hero of Rome allies with a sworn enemy to take his revenge on the city.” Alright, a period piece in Ancient Rome, sweet! But when I saw the pictures, I saw modern looking stuff. I forgot that Rome was still a city in Italy, so I guess that is what is going on with it?

Nope, Coriolanus is a Shakespeare play. Should have guessed it. Directed by Ralph Fiennes (his first ever director role), this is one of those modern Shakespeare plays, which I guess will get me prepped for when I finally see the new Much Ado About Nothing.

Caius Martius (Fiennes) is a great Roman warlord, who kind of hates the Romans themselves. He finds the plebians to be silly. But he kicks so much ass, and wins so many fights he eventually wins them over. Heck, he also almost takes out the nearby Volscian army, lead by Tullus Aufidius (Gerard Butler). They both survive, but it is clear Rome won the bout overall.

Eventually he wins the public over and decides to run for Consul, the leader of Rome. The senate fears his power though, so they begin a smear campaign against him, attempting to turn the public against him as well. Caius has quite a temper, so he eventually gets pissed off, curses everyone and quickly gets branded a traitor and exiled out of Rome. Surely they won’t regret sending out one of their greatest generals, super pissed off, out of city gates? I hope he doesn’t get the urge to come back…with force.

Jessica Chastain plays his wife, and Vanessa Redgrave his mother.

War Paint
Oh shit, he is really really mad. Rome is totally going down.

Shakespeare. Are you familiar with his words? Well, for the untrained, it is easy to get lost in the words and get confused, which is why I watched the movie with subtitles.

Coriolanus presumably follows the script to a letter, which means the movie feels overly dramatic. There is a lot of monologue-ing and yelling by the various characters. Lots of yelling, because that means passion, and everyone is passionate in a Shakespeare play.

Which felt really annoying. Overall, Coriolanus is good in that it is trying something new. There are other modern Shakespeare things, but they usually never work for me. This one was different enough that it seemed to be okay they were speaking in such strange ways but with guns.

But the story itself is a let down. I guess I could blame that one on Shakespeare. It wasn’t one that kept me interested. Way more talking and not enough doing. Interesting movie to see once, but ehh…

Also, the Blu-Ray isn’t Blu-Ray quality, those bastards.

2 out of 4.


I have set my standards far too high! For most movies that are coming out in theaters, I have been reviewing them the next week. But for Skyfall, I waited two. My bad, I had to watch the previous two as you knew. Not to mention my general Bond apathy, but don’t let anyone here that. Daniel Craig is a scary man, who might come after me.

Bike it
There is no way I can outrun that shit.

Speaking of running, like all Bond films (maybe?) this one begins with a chase! Bond is in pursuit of some shifty eyed guy, along with another field operative Eve (Naomie Harris). Why? Because that guy was able to get his hands on some data, basically all of the secret agent identities involved with the MI6. Oh jeez, that shouldn’t even be a file! But even worse is that while on a moving train over a river, Eve misses the kill shot and hits Bond instead, causing him to fall to his demise and the bad guy goes free. (She didn’t feel lie re-firing, in shock).

But yeah, Bond being dead screws up some stuff. M (Judi Dench) gets into a lot of trouble with the government. They don’t like secrets being stolen OR dead agents. So Gareth Mallory (Ralph Fiennes) is brought in to help her into retirement and smooth out the transition.

Oh what’s that? Bond isn’t dead? Just hiding out considering retirement? That’s cool. But when his colleagues are getting killed from that list, he reluctantly comes back in to find that man and who is causing all this shit and why. Spoilers? I don’t think so. But Silva (Javier Bardem) is that man, and also a former agent of MI6. He is fed up with their operation, mostly at the way M has treated them. He has felt betrayed at the institution that created him and is looking for redemption. Huh, he is actually pretty similar to Bond when you think about it. Hopefully he isn’t too charismatic.

Don’t fret, we also get a young Q (Ben Whishaw) with “new” and “innovative” gadgets for Bond. Will Bond realize how much of a bitch M has been to them, and get the hell out of Dodge? Also, why not bring up a lot more of Bond’s past as an orphan, those kind of tales are always exciting.

“Tell me more of how no one has ever truly loved you, James.” Silva, while stroking Bond’s hair.

Whoa whoa whoa. I know my selections are limited, but this has to be my favorite Bond movie. Of all time. Ever. Out of the three. So there is that. I also remember a lot of the plot, while in the first two I can’t even remember who played the bad guys. Maybe they just weren’t famous? I can tell you they were not memorable.

Javier Bardem was fucking memorable. So fucking charismatic. His opening scene was one long take/speech and just perfect. Everything he said was so believable, and humorous as well.

Craig also brought his A-game, but I couldn’t help but think of the movie The Mother during some of those scenes with M. If you know what I mean. (You probably don’t, in The Mother, Daniel Craig fucks a grandmother. A lot).

The action was great, the drama was great, and hell, there was even a giant Komodo Dragon (maybe. A lizardologist can correct me later). Bad ass lizards are my favorite.

The final fight scene really put some nice closure on this part of the Bond era, an I believe Craig is signed on for at least two more movies, and I can actually say that I am excited to see them.

3 out of 4.

Wrath of the Titans

Hey look at that, here we are with 600 reviews for the Website. Pretty snazzy I must say.

Normally here is where I list my other milestone reviews, but fuck that, I realized just tagging them all as Milestone Review was a way easier idea. Because my best milestone review at 500 was Clash of the Titans, basically what this website ends up alluding to, I figured a nice tribute was to do its sequel, Wrath of the Titans for 600!

This bad boy will also spoil the whole thing, so that’s important, you know, if you actually care about this movie.

“I care about spoilers! Don’t let them know what becomes of me!”

Ten years after the death of the Kraken, Perseus (Sam Worthington) is just hanging out. He has a son, ten year old boy, but he is a widow because Io went out and died on him. Oh well, being a demi-god is rough I guess, but he don’t care. Not until his dad Zeus (Liam Neeson) shows up being all fucking morbid.

Apparently no one gives shits about the gods. This lack of devotion is causing their world to come undone. If no one cares about them, all they have created will cease to be. Tartarus (a afterlife prison) has its walls coming down and that can be bad! But Perseus has zero fucks to give.

“Yep, I checked the charts. We are lost, and no fucks at all around.”

But Zeus (who no longer has that bitch ass glow going on) goes to Tartarus, and brings with him Poseidon (Danny Huston), Hades (Ralph Fiennes), and his son Ares (Edgar Ramirez).

Turns out Hades is still pissed off from last time, and totally kills Poseidon and injures Zeus. Ares feels like now is a good time to betray his dad, and helps Hades! Since they are kicking ass, they decide to become immortal by draining Zeus of all his power and give it to Kronos, who Zeus defeated way long ago. Somehow this plan works, and can’t possibly fuck up.

Kronos muthafucka
Aww, he is just a magician clearly. Needs to work on his ninja escape dust though.


Well, that was easy. Chimera are the bitches of the monster world.

Because Perseus has no idea whats up, he tries to ask his dad, but you know. Prisoner. Thankfully Poseidon, with his last breath tells Perseus what is up. Not good things of course. Gives him a cool trident though. Tells him to find his son Agenor (Toby Kebbell). Because his son can help him find Hephaestus (Bill Nighy). Why Hephaestus? Because he knows the way to Tartarus. Seems complicated. Oh well.

Why not go steal Agenor from Andromeda (Rosamund Pike). Easy enough, hell, she will join too and bring soldiers. Eventually they get to an island, where they are attacked by Cyclops!

Cyclops win
“And I kill all the humans and eat them for dinner, right? Right?”

Turns out they eventually find Hephaestus. Crazy right? Well, they realize that the three weapons of Hades/Zeus/Poseidon can be combined to form a spear, and that is the only thing that can kill Kronos. Pretty weird, but alright. Looks like time to collect shit. Or just go to Tartarus and find the other two pieces just hanging out. I’m sure Ares won’t try to stop them and fuck some shit up.

Andromeda doesn’t like it when people jinx situations.

Minotaurs die, and look, Tartarus! That was overall pretty easy. Too bad Kronos is about to bust out and fuck up all the shit. The only saving grace is Zeus apologizing to Hades for putting him in the Underworld. Aww, shucks, that is all he really wanted an apology. Too bad Ares is still a bitch, and he totally kills Zeus, and everyone teleports out of the area because Kronos is scary.

But with 2/3 of the spear, Perseus prays to Ares to challenge him to a one on one fight, so he can get back Zeus’ thunderbolt. While this is going on, Kronos’ demonic army of Mikhai are ravaging the planes and generally kicking everyone in the army’s ass.

I think all those limbs give them an advantage. And being demons.

Thanks to using his son as bait, Perseus is able to eventually kill Ares. Kind of serious, but hey, whatever. At that same time, Hades decides to give up his immortality to revive his brother Zeus, and Zeus looks young and stylish. Too bad Hades is old. And both of them are now mortal. Oh well, still got cool powers. So they help drive back the demon army.

Fire and lightning
“Bitch, I’m fabulous!” – Zeus

Yadda yadda, spear is made. Zeus sacrifices himself again to save Hades, so he can slowly start to die. Perseus rides off into the sunset — wait no, that is Kronos, my bad. He rides off into Kronos and destroys him with a glowing spear. Yay the father of the gods is dead!

Too bad so are all the rest of the gods. Man, Zeus is about to die, Hades is now old and mortal, Poseidon is gone, Ares. Everyone left sucks. Apparently the time of the gods is over naturally, and now maybe demigods can rule the world? Perseus gets it on with Andromeda, and decides to train his son to be a fighter, you know, because they have to deal with their own problems, and the titans that are about to start rising up again, since they are no longer imprisoned.

ZOMG Finale
If I was Kronos in this situation, I would have sprayed Perseus with magma. Yep. Sucks to suck Kronos.

So, I had some big complaints about the first movie. The action, all of it, I just found boring. The look of it all felt wrong. Way too much CGI, not enough realism. Shitty glow of the gods. Well this movie actually fixed a lot of my complaints.

Obviously, the gods don’t have that glow. Easy fix, now they look better.

Better CGI use? I’d say so. The battle with the chimera felt kind of cheesy, but less green screeny. Overall the movie was a lot less just “Always brown”, because the last film had tons of desert. So visually it was better.

Better action? I’d say so. The final fight between Perseus and Ares felt real, two powerful men slugging it out. None of the fights in this film were every “whole bunch of people versus things far too big for them” like the damn crabs in the last movie. A lot more close fights. The giant ass Kronos vs everyone isn’t a real fight either, since it is more of a “just die and stall until the spear is made” tactic, and not an actual battle they think they can win.

Despite the fact that I truly think this is a better movie than Clash, I still wasn’t entirely entertained. It improved though, and might be worth a watch. But when TNT starts to show it in the future, I know I won’t just sit back and watch.

2 out of 4.

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