Cars 3

Ooooh, this franchise though. I hate Cars. And I hate Cars 2 more. They are bad movies. Seriously. They are just cash grabs, they have bad morals, they are just complete shit.

And they are worse because they have led us to having Planes and Planes: Fire & Rescue, which incredibly end up being worse than the Cars movies.

So, I definitely have been not looking forward to Cars 3. A franchise that won’t go away, because their toys keep making them money. This movie on its own could be amazing. It could answer some needed questions and be decent on its own right. But nothing it could do could redeem the monstrosity that are those previous four films.

And here is a picture of two cars racing.

Cars racing go go go! Lightning McQueen (Owen Wilson) is still doing that racing thing, still kicking butt, winning most of the time, or at least the top 3 with some of his friends, life is easy and everyone else is a bitch in comparison. But then, there is a rookie in the race, he comes from behind and wins. His name is Jackson Storm (Armie Hammer). Why does he not pass everyone until the last possible moment? Why does no one notice a car with an extremely sleek new design? No idea, but he wins.

And then he keeps winning. Then the race cars start getting replaced by the newer models, because they are faster and better. You know, things that make sense. Lightning finds himself finishing the season in a giant crash and he goes back home to find himself. Can he get back into the grove, being the only “old” race car to join the series once again and prove himself? Maybe.

That would be the point of the movie though, I guess.

Returning for vocals in very limited roles include Larry the Cable Guy, Tony Shalhoub, Bonnie Hunt, John Ratzenberger, and Paul Newman (yes).

But also, you know, new characters. Sterling (Nathan Fillion), the new owner of Lightning’s main sponsor, Cruz Ramirez (Cristela Alonzo), Lightning’s new trainer to get him in shape for the new season, and Smokey (Chris Cooper), the vehicle that trained Doc, along with Lea DeLaria, Kerry Washington, Margo Martindale, and Bob Peterson.

And here is a picture of two cars racing.

Buckle up, buckaroos, because I don’t want to spend too much time talking about why Cars 3 is terrible, but in all likelihood, that is all I will get done.

One of the biggest problems of the Cars universe still glaringly exists for the third time. Where do these cars come from? Are they built in a factory? Is there car sex and car babies born? We know they can be worked on and improved, but only at some point. Given that Smokey’s mentor is still alive, cars also don’t seem to really know how to die outside of Doc, so it is sort of bizarre.

These questions matter because (gasp), newer better racing cars, based off of better designs, meant to go fast and handle corners better, now exist! Why? How? Are some car executives somewhere creating new life forms and taking over, and this is an issue? In Cars 2 the problem was Lemon cars, cars that were basically disabled characters, now it is new cars with a lot of bells and whistles. How dare they come into the world and excel at the one thing they were created to do.

Let me say it again. Our bad guys are new race cars, who are doing really good at racing cars, who were made and designed to race cars and only do that well. They are doing better than Lightning McQueen who, GUESS WHAT, was also designed and built to race cars really good, just decades before then. When Lightning McQueen joined the scene, was he made into a villain for taking out older models from the race world?

No, he was not. So why is it now an issue, when Lightning McQueen helped do the same exact shit in his youth? Because we have seen him in movies we are supposed to halt the natural evolution of a sport (that is designed by a magical car creator or other cars or something), so that he can do what? WIN BASICALLY EVERY TIME! There are 20-30 racers in these race, and these other poor cars apparently never win ever, and we don’t feel bad for them. We are just supposed to feel bad that Lightning is no longer the top of the line. It is not fair for just him, while everyone else just accepts it.

And here is a picture of two cars racing.

Okay, I had to do a whole section to explain why just the even plot and premise for this film is shit. So now let me talk about other issues.

There isn’t really anything in the way of suspense by the end. How it goes is pretty expected, assuming you are paying at least a little bit of attention. However, they decide to let the dumb thing happen by having one of those in film “rule book arguments” when it turns out that what they want to do isn’t against the rules. Usually this is fine, because it is alluded to somewhat earlier in the movie and at least can make sense. But given it is a fictional universe with whatever willy nilly rules, it comes off surprising. It SHOULD be against the rules, it just isn’t because it is convenient to the plot. And this happens twice within the same final race. Not because it is sensical, but because lazy writing.

Thankfully they learned something from Cars 2 and gave us way less Tow Mater, but it is crazy how much of the original characters are just bit parts. I wouldn’t have assumed that Sally is still Lightning’s love interest in this film if he didn’t just once call out that he loved her. They barely interacted and honestly I don’t see Lightning as still being faithful.

Poor Paul Newman died in 2008, and his voice is still being used in this series. Unused audio from the first film existed so they patched it together for some voice stuff in this film, and it just feels downright gross to do that.

Cars 3 is easily the worst Pixar film since Cars 2. Cars 3 does NOT make Cars 2 look like Cars, because Cars 2 is still the worst, beyond worst, Pixar movie by a long shot. And that is technically a positive.

2017 continues to be a below average year for animated films, but Pixar is on a downward slide. Finding Dory wasn’t good, and the The Good Dinosaur was meh. That is three stinkers in a row. They are banking on Coco doing great in November, but it probably will just feel too similar to The Book of Life at this point, so I have no idea what will save them. They are banking on sequels to beloved franchises for the next films after Coco. We just have two sequels though, and will get two more? They need to stop whatever the fuck they are doing, rethink their whole operation, and start getting original quick if they are going to save their standards.

0 out of 4.


This is not a Tyler Perry Movie!

It is Tyler Perry Presents. That means he didn’t do anything but provide funding or distribution. Just like how The Man With The Iron Fists was “Quentin Tarantino Presents…” and not his own movie.

I think I called it a Tyler Perry movie in my review of Temptation, but that was my bad. His name is still associated with it though. So my rant there still holds!

Before I make a fool out of myself further, lets look at Peeples, aka, the black Meet The Parents.

Two me, two things pop out making this clearly not Meet The Parents.
Meeting parents can be tough. Especially if you are Wade Walker (Craig Robinson) and you make your living by singing to small groups of children. He has been in a relationship with Grace (Kerry Washington) for over a year now, and wants to propose, but he hasn’t even met her family. Not for lack of trying, she just won’t let him.

But when she goes home for a weekend, he decides to crash the party thanks to the advice of his brother (Malcolm Barrett), to meet the family and propose on the spot. It couldn’t go wrong!

Even if her dad was federal court judge (David Alan Grier) and her mom a famous diva (S. Epatha Merkerson).

Obviously, her dad doesn’t approve of him, so he will have to spend the entire weekend working on gaining their approval, while also finding out that her family has many secrets of their own. Also featuring Tyler James Williams (From Go On) as her younger brother, Kali Hawk as her sister, and Kimrie Lewis-Davis as her sister’s “Friend”.

Kill em!
This is the general reaction to black people over lesbians, I hear.
Wouldn’t you know it, this movie wasn’t a complete piece of shit. Hooray!

In fact, performances by most of the cast were excellent. David Alan Grier hasn’t been in a leading role like this in awhile, and not only has he aged well, but he also hasn’t lost his touch. S. Epatha Merkerson gave a great impression as someone always on pharmaceuticals. Kerry Washington is normally very serious, but was great in a role having to go back and forth between childish and”normal.”

Craig Robinson, on the other hand, was exactly like he normally is. Which is fine! Just saying, don’t expect a spectacularly acted performance by Craig, but his normal funny self.

For those wondering, the title Peeples comes from the families last name, “The Peeples”, so you will get to hear that word over and over again.

Although it is predictable, I would say Peeples has a lot of heart in it, and some genuine moments. There are at least three song and dance scenes as well, including a very cute number to end the movie with.

2 out of 4.

The Details

The Details I must say is a random grab for me. I saw the cover, I noticed how bad it looked, and that hey, I know all the people in it. Fuck it. Give it a shot.

It did just come out on DVD/Blu-Ray, but I know it was finished in 2011. Lot of post production hell, but the wiki page wont tell me anything. Oh well!

Family fun
But clearly this will offer nothing but good clean family fun.

Jeff Lang (Tobey Maguire) is a simple man, with a simple wife (Elizabeth Banks) and a simple child. He is a doctor, loving life. He is trying to do the good breadwinner thing and expand his house for his growing family. But this fucking raccoon keeps messing up his lawn. This pisses him off so much that he decides the best way to fix it is to poison that raccoon.

Things go all down hill from there.

Not wanting to give away the plot, but he also has a noisy cat lady neighbor in Laura Linney, a best friend doctor in Kerry Washington, her husband is Ray Liotta, and a strange best friend confidant in Dennis Haysbert.

That is it. People also die, there is that. And cursing. Not at all a family film!

Just look at that pie. Oh yes, I love pie.

Shit, this movie was hysterical. I didn’t even know it was a dark comedy going in, it kind of sprang up out of no where, but it was definitely odd and campy early on.

Surprisingly, Ray Liotta had my favorite scene in this movie, a certain encounter with him and Tobey Maguire on a bridge. It blew my mind how well dialogue-d it was.

Not to take anything away from Tobey, as he floated through his life. Some of his actions didn’t seem to make any sense, but must have been part of his midlife crisis, trying to fix the wrongs he found himself buried in. Not to mention Laura Linney was strangely really hot as the “crazy cat lady”.

I’d say that The Details is a surprisingly well done dark comedy, a genre sorely unrepresented in most new films. Well, ever. I want more, damn it!

3 out of 4.

Django Unchained

The last of the movies to come out on Christmas for me to review, Django Unchained is unlike really any other.

It isn’t random holiday fluff, and it isn’t based off of previous work/book/musical. Sure, there was the movie series Django. But those stories aren’t at all related, all it is is a name share.

But outside of that, you know its a Tarantino movie, so you know, there will be blood.

Along with stylish threads, and stylish walks.

Django (Jamie Foxx) is a slave. A slave walking through Texas. He had a history, hell, he had a wife, Broomhilda (Kerry Washington). Too bad she got sold to another plantation owner, who knows where.

But as luck would have it, a man has freed him from his bondage. Dr. King Schultz (Christoph Waltz), a bounty hunter and former dentist. He is looking for a group of brothers who have gone on the run, changed their name, and he knows that Django knows what they look at.

So of course he will help him out! Killing white people for money, what could be better? Obviously. Not to mention if he helps him out, he can get cash, and find out where his wife is. Because we have all seen the preview, we know she is with Calvin Candie (Leonardo DiCaprio), and under the watchful eye of her owner and head slave Stephen (Samuel L. Jackson).

And in this movie, the hammer is an actual hammer, and not his penis.

I think I can say, universally, that Django Unchained basically is firing on all cylinders. It was a classic Tarantino movie, despite being his first western. It had it all. Dramatic tension, thanks to a few scenes between DiCaprio/Waltz, comedy, action, and a lot of gunfights.

This is now the third movie I have seen Waltz in and I love his character so much. The high level charisma and witty dialogue will make the long movie length fly by in an instant. Foxx, despite the main character, does a lot less of the talking, which makes sense given his position and role he has to play.

Despite not showing up until the second half of the movie, once DiCaprio and Jackson hit the scene, they make their presence known and make it count. There is a specific scene in question where DiCaprio accidentally cuts himself by breaking a glass, but doesn’t break character making it all the more intense.

Really, this movie is just a great movie. The “controversy” over word choice isn’t a controversy at all, it is just Spike Lee being a jack ass.

In addition to that, you not only see breasteses, but also a penis. Pretty sure though that a stunt cock was needed.

I don’t wanna sound queer or nothin’, but…

4 out of 4.

A Thousand Words

Based off box office records and IMDB ratings, I am probably the only one who wanted to actually see A Thousand Words. I obviously didn’t know the plot beyond “For whatever reason, this guy will die if he says 1000 more words.”

I’m fine with that. Could be a really good movie, funny, and probably a good message in it. Maybe even be surprisingly super sad, like Click.

This also means a movie of Eddie Murphy making funny faces at us.

Jack (Murphy) is a PR Rep. So he talks a lot, and talks in circles around people. Always trying to get more money. His house is amazing, although still a bit bachelor pad, which makes his wife (Kerry Washington) a bit mad. They have other relationship problems, and she feels like they have stagnated, but he doesn’t see it. Also a kid, they have one.

His firm is trying to sign Dr. Sinja (Cliff Curtis), a very popular faith/spiritual person in India, to a book deal. If he had a book, it would sell like pancakes. PANCAKES. And make everyone lots of money, and Jack’s boss (Allison Janney) pretty damn happy. After telling Dr. Sinja he is willing to follow his philosophy to make the deal, he is pretty ecstatic.

Somehow though, a tree pops up in his yard. And eventually with the help of Dr. Sinja, he notices that every word he says has a leaf fall off. Logic states that if a tree loses all its leaves, he will die. So he is fucked unless he can figure out how to stop it (he can’t). He is now attached to this tree, which he finds when he tries to knock it down in anger. The only other person he is able to convince is his assistant (Clark Duke) but it takes awhile. Because also writing down the words takes away from it too. And flicking someone off counted as two words. Err.

But can he eventually figure out how to make the tree stop dying, while you know, not losing everything he cares about? Also, why is Jack McBrayer such a bad Starbucks Barista?

“When I talk leaves fall down and then I die.” How hard is that!?

Bah. One thing that bugged me is that flicking off scene. That counts as two words? Yet the rest of the movie where he does charades and stuff does not count? That’s a sketch grey area.

Film was not as good as it could have been. Funny parts were far in between. The powerful message was a bit more vague and not as heartfelt. There was one whole scene in the movie that could have hinted what the problems in his life were, but it did a poor job. It could have been a powerful message, touching and all, but it just didn’t build it up properly at all. So overall, it was just a big let down.

The last dozen or so leaves had me very interested, and I was getting excited with where it was going. But the last leaves? Bah. What? That’s dumb. Oh well.

1 out of 4.