Tag: 2 out of 4

I love this title, We Bought A Zoo. It probably got a lot of slack from it, but I think it is great. After all, now I know what the whole movie is about. Bad for people who want to be surprised, since its hard to not know the title. But it is also based off of a true story (Kind of), so that gives it more appeal too.

Everyone knows when you need to jump start a career, you do a family film and work with animals (that hopefully don’t talk).

Matt Damon plays an adventurer and writer. He goes around the world, tries new things, and interviews great people. Seems pretty silly. Brings home money, but his wife handles most of it. But then she dies. Unexpectedly. Leaving him to figure out what to do with his two kids (Colin Ford and Maggie Elizabeth Jones). But his son has now been expelled from school and they need a change so they look for a new house.

They find a great house! But it comes with a stipulation…they have to take the zoo that used to be there too and work on its upkeep. It is currently owned by the state, and if nothing happens soon, they will be shipped away and some put down. Due to his daughters peer pressure and his ability to just do stupid things without worrying about the consequences, he signs the dotted line, despite his brothers (Thomas Haden Church, an accountant) desires not to.

Their goal is to get the place back up to par before July, to earn most of the profits during the summer, their best months. Lot of work and money must go into it though to pass the inspection. Scarlett Johansson plays the head zookeeper, and now lives with her mom after a quick divorce (whats that, two single leads?). Her niece is homeschooled and works at the shop (Elle Fanning), and the head animal handler is Angus Macfadyen, a very angry man indeed.

BFFS. Also does Matt Damon look fake in this picture?

I love easy plots. Family buys a zoo after mom dies. Work to make zoo a better place for the community. Succeed? Of course. People don’t make true stories based off of failures.

The title is uttered mostly from the daughter, overall probably about six times. I think the real story didn’t have the guys wife die until years after they bought the zoo (a process that also took years). But that makes this story more complicated if it lasts years and has the wife constantly around. The ending I thought was really sweet, and thanks to that tear jerking music, well, you know.

The movie is kind of like a very family friendly modern version of Field Of Dreams, but not really.

While I thought it was a decent film, I wouldn’t describe any of it to be top notch acting. It was very predictable, but still acceptably heart warming. Honestly they made such a big deal out of how far away it was from “civilization” I thought there was no way they’d have any guests after the first week. The real one I am sure still exists, but I feel like the movie one was probably set up to fail. But no worries, if it fails Scarlett Johansson’s character can come move in with me.

Why would someone watch a movie called Assassination of a High School President? You mean besides the title? I don’t know. But you sound like a troll for still asking that question.

It’s. Called. Assassination. Of a. High School. President.

How is that not reason enough to watch the movie, right? Right?

There is probably at least one other reason. I just cannot put my finger on it.

The story is about Bobby Funke (Reece Thompson) and wanting to get into a Journalism program for the summer, and he is mostly a sophomore loser. Despite claiming to be a great writer, he has never finished an article for the school newspaper. He gets his “big break” when he gets to do a story on the high school president (Patrick Taylor), because for some reason the editor (Melonie Diaz) thinks it will be a good idea.

Well, he can’t even get an interview. He is bullied by the student council and the VP, Marlon Piazza (Luke Grimes). But when the HSP gets injured in a basketball game, he finally figures he can get an interview! But also that same night all of the SAT tests were stolen from the principals locked safe (Bruce Willis), bringing up an even bigger problem. Francesca (Mischa Barton), the step sister of Marlon, and girlfriend of the HSP begs Bobby to find the culprit and bring him down, because she was feeling “Really good” about her scores.

But when all the clues point to the HSP being the culprit (including a locker full of SATs), Bobby has to find out if there is a deeper problem at the school. Maybe one involving drugs and gambling, and if the HSP is just being set up.

Or is it all simply just a game of beer pong that he has to infiltrate?

This is my first “noir” tag of a review. Celebrate everyone!

Because this film is not your ordinary comedy. Most of it includes a lot of voice overs, and other classic mystery references in order to give it a way different feel. It is some sort of catholic school, with uniforms and all, where everything I guess is just super intense.

I thought the acting was great, and also that Bruce Willis wasn’t just a small role, but all up in this movie. I only expected about two cameos, but his role is huge and hilarious.

But the story didn’t appeal to me that great. I think I want to watch it again, but not for awhile. Definitely interesting enough for a one and done viewing, for sure. New movie experiences are always a plus. Just, didn’t love it as much as I thought I would.

I think a lot of my reviews coming up will be from my “box of weirder things” in the corner of my room. And by weirder, I just mean lesser known.

Bart Got A Room I picked by grabbing randomly, but originally bought it because hey, when has William H. Macy ever disappointed? The answer is never, damn it. If you have a real example, I will ignore it and just say haters gonna hate.

But then again, Macy isn’t the main character.

The main character is Danny (Steven Kaplan), hah. You thought his name would be Bart. A few months before Prom, and he is starting to think of what to do. Sure, everyone expects him to go with Camille (Alia Shawkat), one of his neighbors and best friends since pre school. But he wants it to be more of a romantic thing. So of course he instead thinks about asking the sophomore he takes to and from school every day, Alice (Ashley Benson).

Well that doesn’t work, and he already told Camille it was a sure thing. Awk. Oh well, it is still a few months before prom, he can easily find another woman and not have to weirdly go back to Camille and ask her, right?

His parents are also recently divorced (Macy and Cheryl Hines) and dealing with their own relationship problems at the same time. The potential of a new step parents, and the potential of a sexfreak (oh guess which parent each applies to).

The movie also has a “music video” attached to it!

First off, this movie is pretty short, about 75 minutes in length. So the story moves fast, as you can tell, since it doesn’t have that much going on with it. I loved the beginning, the quirkyness of it all felt funny in an embarrassing way. And the constant face palms at our main character, trying to make prom something more than it is, because even BART got a damn room and date.

But eventually the film lost its uniqueness, and the last third is kind of disappointing. A lot of predictability, and eh, just was a let down with the buildup. Opening hooks are great, but endings are the last impression, damn it.

So it is an okay movie, but you know. Could have had a stronger finish.

I feel like just by having the title The Babysitters (and knowing that it is R) is enough of a reason to make some of the readers instantly interested in this movie.

Pervs, how dare you!

I however knew the basic plot before I saw this one (and is why I saw it, I guess). So jokes back on me, hah!

And it features a club of the babysitters. Sort of like that other movie/book series.

The reason I wanted to watch this movie was of course because John Leguizamo was in it and NOT doing a weird voice. What? That has only happened like, once before, and during that movie he had to fight tree pollen.

But instead, at the beginning of this movie he gets into an affair. Yes, even with a wife and two kids at home. With his babysitter, Shirley (Katherine Waterston), a junior in high school. Oh yeah, so she is underage. And it is from her point of view, not his.

Happening on a whim, she finds that the increased money in her possession is a good thing, and does it a few more times with him. Eventually he has a “Friend” who would also like babysitting, so she gets her friend Melissa (Lauren Birkell) to join in, getting a percentage of her take for setting it up, of course. But then they get more business, and have to get their other friend Brenda (Louisa Krause), who gets her sister in. And then some other girls. And other clients. But you see where this is going.

Of course any proper brothel like ring won’t happen without the normal problems. Such as ladies trying to leave to start their own business, or men who tell too many people, or men who are too aggressive. These are all problems that must be dealt with. You know, by teenage girls. Also, John Leguizamo is kind of falling in love with Shirley. He also didn’t like her babysitting for other guys.

These are her seduction eyes.

I should note that I was actually surprised that in a movie of this caliber that there would be nudity, but it happened. After all, they are “teens”. But hey, you know.

Clearly this movie questions a lot of morals, and even has a twist of some sort at the end to try and put it all in perspective. But I feel like it doesn’t do enough. There is not a real defining moment in the movie when a character mentions how bad all of this is, and tries to end it. Nor is the emotional damage afflicted on either side of the line dealt with in any real way.

In fact, the ending kind of sweeps it all under the rug, and ignores some things. The acting isn’t the best either, except surprisingly John Leguizamo does do a good job. Again, this is using his normal John voice, no impressions, so that might be a first. I didn’t like the ending or the twist. The only reason it gets a decent rating is that the story did captivate me from beginning to end, it just could have been so much better.

I might have seen a trailer for this movie before. Maybe. It sounded familiar when I saw the case at least and quickly thought, “Of course! I have to buy The Foot Fist Way!” Especially if it was only a buck.

Ignore the camera crew and director in the mirror.

Danny McBride plays Fred Simmons, in his first ever major movie. Ever. Way before he was Kenny Powers. He runs his own Tae Kwon Do dojo, maybe in South Carolina. They make references to Myrtle Beach at least twice in this movie. Somehow he has a decent looking wife (Mary Jane Bostic), but she might be a whore. Giving some handjobs at work to her boss and all.

Either way, he actually does know his martial arts, not a complete poser. He got first in some national competition…a long time ago. So now he has a Dojo. His idol is Chuck “The Truck” Wallace (Ben Best), a Hollywood martial arts expert (ie lot like Chuck Norris), who he is pretty sure he an take in a fight.

And uhh yeah. Eventually he takes some members down to a conference to see The Truck in action, party with him, and get him to come by to judge their belt testing.

The truck fucks his wife, they duel, the truck wins, great dishonor on Kenny Pow- erm, Fred Simmons’ family. They challenge again, but on breaking things. And then the movie ends.

Watching this movie is watching the first incarnation of Kenny Powers, more or less. I assume this had no script, the rough outline I gave you, and some scenes of Danny McBride beating up some kids.

I thought it worked. It was enjoyable. But the ending felt like a major let down. I didn’t even understand that last scene, I watched it a second time to see if there were any jokes there. None. Hmm. Offputting. Maybe the lack of humor at the end was part of the humor? But I did not like that.

The Runaways is a movie I could have watched about a year and a half ago, maybe.

But at that point I thought “Man, why would I want to watch the origins of a band that gave me Joan Jett? I don’t like Joan Jett.” Blah blah, woman power and etc, but man, I really don’t like Joan Jett.

Giant picture, to cover up my biases.

But first, some introductions.

Cherrie Currie (Dakota Fanning) wants to be a rock star and loves David Bowie. She apparently likes singing, despite the fact that early on, she is inaudible and hard to hear. She also has an alcoholic father, and a sister (Riley Keough) who would love to get away from home as well.

Joan Jett (Kristen Stewart) likes guitars and wearing “men clothes!” (leather jacket?!) and meets Kim Fowley (Michael Shannon), a guy who agrees, there should be an all girl rock band! They get Jett, and a drummer, and try to find a “hot blonde singer”. Cherrie Currie is found and auditions with a lame song, so they make a new song that becomes their new number one hit.

They also gain Lita Ford (Scout Taylor-Compton) and Robin*.

They become world famous, drugs happen, and crazy Japanese fangirls. They also start to hate each other, mostly Lita hating Cherrie. Eventually she quits the band, ruins the Runaways, and goes back home to live a lame life. Joan Jett just makes her new band and becomes famous. Lita Ford does her Lita Ford things. Robin* dies in a planecrash.

Never to be seen again…

So yeah, teens doing sex things and drugs and touring. The 70s were crazy, man.
* – There is no Robin. She is a fictional character in the band because Jackie Fox did not allow usage of her name.

Why? Probably because Jackie Fox has nothing to do with this movie. Instead of focusing on the whole band (I don’t even know the drummer (middle girls) name), it was Jett/Currie. The manager guy who eventually tried to screw them over had more of a screen presence than Ford, Robin, and the drummer.

I didn’t hate the performances of the characters though. Felt weird to see Dakota Fanning in a role like that, which is why I am sure she did it. ( “Fuck Typecasting” – Dakota Fanning) The music wasn’t that bad either, mostly sure I have never heard of a song by The Runaways before, and it was decent.

Would be glad to never hear Cherry Bomb again though, felt like that song was played too much in one movie.

But I didn’t like (obviously) how one sided it all felt. Surely there was more going on than the lead singer doing drugs, failing at life, and then not being a big star for the rest of her life? I think it is why a lot of people disliked The Temptations, because it felt more like The Temptations – In Otis Williams mind. He had the advantage of being the only one left alive though, so why not?

I can’t confirm this, but I am sure the rest of the band is still alive. So of course I just looked it up, not the drummer. I guess that explains why I can’t even remember her name?

I hadn’t expected to watch two movies where Channing Tatum played a pivotal role in it so close to each other. Guy just has a face that bugs me, so I usually avoid his stuff. And by pivotal role, I mean the main character this time, damn.

Yeah. That’s the face right there.

This story is about the Roman Empire, fucking up Britain. Back in the 100s, when trying to Conquer Britain, a Roman Legion was lost and their flag standard, an Eagle, was lost with them. The leader of that division was the father of Marcus Aguila (Tatum), so there was some shame on his family. Since then he has become a commander himself, and has been sent to lead the troops at Hadrian’s Wall, a wall in GB south of where the legion had since been missing.

On like his first night, they get attacked and raided, but thanks to him they win. Too bad he gets fucked up. Oh well, honorable discharge and sent back home to his uncle (Donald Sutherland). Unfortunately he still hasn’t cleared his dads name. Gah! Once he feels better (albeit still crippled), he heads back to the wall with his slave and confidant, Esca (Jamie Bell), to go North of the wall in their own small group and try and find the eagle.

They have to deal with the natives (Britain was very uncivilized at the time), the lost legion, and friendship strains. Aww.

“Bitch don’t you know you’re about to get cut!?” – Audience member

This is a pretty gritty feeling movie. And it feels like a movie set way back when. Both were probably obvious I guess? Either way, it took me awhile to really care about the main two characters. Having the big going home after the first battle, downtime, relaxation thing, hurt the flow of the film for me. I think it would have been better if he just recovered at the wall, got discharged and instead of going home, going straight into the wild to search for the Eagle. His slave friend could have came to pick him up, or whatever.

Fighting was cool though. I could actually understand most of the fight that occurred at night, which is a great bonus. A lot of movie like to do shit at night just so they don’t have to make things obvious. Thought the ending was pretty swell too.

But there were also larger more boring moments that kept taking me out of the story line, weirdly enough. My favorite moment was when Aguila saved Esca from the gladiator arena. Such a small moment, but just really really liked it.

I have been told that a Dilemma is having to make a choice between two equally bad scenarios. A dilemma is not just having to make a bad choice or ignore it. My friend wanted me to make that clear for all the readers, but I will leave it up to you to decide if there is any real dilemma then.

But in other news, I have been avoiding this movie because it features prominently the Chicago Blackhawks, as they are in Chicago and fans of the team.

Statistically, they were not fans of them six years ago though.

Vince Vaughn and Kevin James are best friends, have been since college. James is very smart, knows all he can about numbers and statistics, and cars. Vaughn is a great talker, speech maker, and can make any sale. Together the have at dream. To make electric cars less lame, and more reminiscent of the muscle cars of the 50s and 60s. Feel that vroom in your acceleration, while also not damaging the environment. They are in the middle of making a real prototype, and if they succeed, they get a long term contract, with long term benefits. Needless to say, this is a very stressful time.

James is also married to Winona Ryder, together for almost 20 years, while Vaughn is just dating Jennifer Connelly. He wants to propose, but he has a hard time getting to that point. He also used to be addicted to gambling, which has damaged his relationships in the past, including this one a few years prior.

But when Vaughn catches Ryder having an affair with a very tattoo’d Channing Tatum? He initially wants to tell his friend right away, but he is already at a highly stressed point and if anything else happens he thinks he might explode. So instead he confronts Ryder to tell him, but apparently he also once slept with her in college (pre the dating, but still) and never told James. So she is prepared to tell James that the affair was actually with Vaughn, and he has been stalking her for 20 years, trying to get more.

Well thats weird. So Vaughn needs proof first of her affair, and then he can tell his friend! But with his sneaking around, everyone thinks he is gambling again, both men having lots of trouble working for the contract, and even James and Connelly have their own secrets! (No, not another affair). Oh, and Queen Latifah is in this movie too, if only to say things to make everyone feel uncomfortable, like “lady wood”.

Shit gets real.

Remember when I said shit gets real? That is because this movie changes its idea of comedy throughout. It is marketed as a buddy slapstick comedy, and involving cheating women. This certainly happens in the beginning, but a large portion of the movie is much closer on the darker comedy level. Then some more slapstick stuff. I think it would have been much better if it stuck to one (preferably the darker route) than back and forth. My mood kept changing, and it felt weird.

But also a lot of the sillier stuff I didn’t find to be that funny. There is a long scene at a club where Vaughn refuses to dance with his woman, because he doesn’t dance. But then does a large silly dance with James instead. Talk about bad dating material.

I thought it was severely lacking in the humor department overall, but a weirder thing happened while watching. I cared about the characters. What?

I was forced to watch Eagle Eye. I really didn’t want to. When someone asked me, “Hey man. Want to watch Eagle Eye?” I said this.

That was my way of both answering the question, and providing a reason why.

The movie begins with the US Army fucking up some terrorists. Or else that is what it looks like. They are at a funeral, but is also a guy they have been looking for, for a long ass time. It might not be him, but 51% chance it is! The secretary of defense (Michael Chiklis) says no go, but the President says go. So they do it. Whoops, civilians.

Long story short, this movie is about a super computer. That supercomputer can gather intel from pretty much anything electric or connected via remotes or on a network. Computers, cell phones are the big ones. It doesn’t like that the president and others put people at risk by ignoring its advice. The Secretary of Defense is cool though, in its mind, and thinks he should be president. So she tries to kill off the president and the other people on the chain of command.

Shia LaBeouf (slacker with a twin brother who was in the army, died, was super good at computer stuff) is being blackmailed, and so is Michelle Monaghan (single mother, who is being told her son will die if she doesn’t do the plan) are both being called by the mysterious woman (computer) and told to do things.

Which is basically get a bomb to DC and blow up the president. No biggie. Also Rosario Dawson and Billy Bob Thornton are trying to stop em, and figure out why they are so good at escaping shit.

“Is this Michelle? No no nononononnono!”

Know what I hate? Shia LaBeouf, and Spielberg’s fascination with him.

Know what I like? Super computers. Super computers being too good.

Argh! Opposing forces! This has a ridiculous number of action scenes and chase scenes, that also go on for long periods of time. Heck that is most of the movie. None of them even seem plausible, even with the possibility of a super computer. But hey, you can stretch some imagination. But that is all the movie has going for it. Those scenes, because there is very little down time or real development. So its just okay. I like my super computer movies to have some nice philosophical discussions in them too.

This is the 400th movie review! Most of my milestone reviews were based off of the Twilight films, which were also reviews 150, 200, 250, and 350.

There is a clear gap in there for the theme, because when I hit 300, Breaking Dawn part 1 wasn’t out yet. Well, part 2 isn’t out yet either. Not even in theaters. So for 300 I instead did all of the High School Musicals.

So what is the point? Well for 400 I wanted to try and keep to some theme, if I could, which is why I present to you, Sharpay’s Fabulous Adventure, the TV movie spin-off of the High School Musicals!

So…damn…pink.

I know what you are thinking. Or at least should be, if you saw the High School Musicals. Why the hell Sharpay?? She is of course played by Ashley Tisdale, but she is the “villain” of the series. A rich girl who thinks she deserves everything, and had most things until the new kid came around.

No one liked her, why does she get a spinoff. Why not her twin brother and that glasses chick who got into Julliard? Or that “pop it and lock it” girl that is behind the scenes in all the movies?

She actually went on to star in something called Fat Camp.

But no, Sharpay. Alright. It begins with her singing and dancing! Like she always does. This time at her parents country club though. Apparently this place is such a small town with no opportunity, yet a country club with filthy rich people. That would explain all the different background kids in one high school.

Yet somehow, there is a guy from NEW YORK CITY there, and he wants her to come down an audition.

After some convincing with her parents, she is allowed to go to NYC! But if she doesn’t land the gig or have anything after 1 month, she must go back to the town and get a real job with her dad. Like, gross!

But the apartment she planned for doesn’t allow dogs. Bitch please. She gets kicked to the curb, all her pink luggage and shit.

Pink luggage and shit.

Then some guy starts filming her, which often happens in NYC. Oh whats that, its her moms friends son who is in the area, and supposed to look out for her, Austin Butler?? How convenient. Speaking of convenient, he also knows of a studio apartment open in his building. Not as big, or fancy. But allows dogs.

His head is actually always that shape and angle. The whole movie.

But when Sharpay gets to the audition…turns out it was for her dog instead? What the fuck. No it was not her missing the meaning, the guy in his email or in person never actually said it was for the dog. Oh well, “Hilarious missunderstanding!”

The dog will star along Cameron Goodman, a fake broadway celebrity, in “A Girl’s Best Friend”, about a girl and her dog with big dreams of making it big in NYC. Yes. It somehow mirrors Sharpay’s life. The directors (Alec Mapa and Jack Plotnick) like her dog a lot, but unfortunately the little boy, Bradley Steven Perry, and his dog are also kick ass.

Pictured: Spoiled rich kid with talented dog, who is not Sharpay.

So the directors do the only thing they know how. Cast both dogs, until one is clearly better. Causing them to compete and play jokes on each others time to shine. Stay classy, Sharpay.

Sharpay even becomes the personal assistant to Cameron, hoping to get on her good side. But it turns out, Cameron is a huge bitch. She hates the whole idea, and the dogs. Hell, on the day before the main dress rehearsal, she tries to cut out the dog part completely. What?

That powder is made from puppies.

So Sharpay eventually goes off on Cameron. Telling her all she learned about how much of a bitch she is (and Sharpay used to be). The star storms off, and Sharpay is kicked out. But thanks to Austin filming her all the time, they find out Sharpy knows all of the scenes for the musical, because Cameron refuses to come back at all. They quickly hire her back, as the stand in star, and she stars in her own musical! And she also isn’t a bitch anymore.

What do you mean this looks like guys and dolls?

So overall, how was the movie?

Well uhh. Surprisingly it was pretty decent. WHAT?

Yes. Taking the hated character, and giving her a spin-off with ridiculous dreams of starring in Broadway, and ending up in one with her dog. Yes. It was decent.

The plot? Not the best. The musical that she happens to get to help and star in matching her own travel to NYC? That is stupid as shit. The final song didn’t even sound that good. Tisdale’s voice is not good enough to star in a Broadway thing. (She was a last minute replacement for this one. But we are to assume she stayed a star.)

There wasn’t as many songs as I expected. Pretty much two near the end, the opening number, and Sharpay/the kid both auditioning singing the same song with their dog. There was some other “popular music” in it, but they were covers. For some reason, the guy who played her twin in the HSMs did a cover of Baby in the background.

But despite all this, for a character so fake and uncaring, some how her transformation into a kinder person seemed real. You believed she had changed her ways, if only because there was a bigger bitch in town. She was even willing to risk her whole “Career” and go back home to do a real job, just to do what was right.

Of course then you can get into how unnatural the plot unfolded. So the bad set up was a big part of the blame. The just okay music was disappointing. But, somehow I liked the last half.