Tag: 1 out of 4

Carjacked

The cover of this movie looks like a normal action thriller hostage like thing, where a lot of abuse happens to the main characters until they beat the bad guy by the end and somehow are better off.

I mean, that’s just by the cover.


This would have been a better cover. Seriously, all I did was look up the title and got this. Main characters and all.

But on the back description, I like it even more. It must be a lower budget thing that didn’t do well anywhere, so to make it seem better they tried to make it seem modern and cool. After all, it stars Maria Bello from Prime Suspect (a now canceled in its first season television show) and Stephen Dorff, from Immortals (a minor character, and a movie you know I didn’t like).

Okay, I am just making fun of celebrities now. Either way, those are the stars. And those are the shows/movies they want you to think about to get this movie.

I have been stalling on the plot. Carjacked has a mom and her kid get carjacked from a bank robber. They are poor too. He forces her to drive him to a meet up in Mexico, and after that? Who knows.

So she has to figure out how to save her child, without like, you know, dying.

Unfortunately there is MANY options that she had available to her, and she never took in the movie. Had to make it last after all. The ending is ridiculous, based on the choices she made. The cops seem to be just as ridiculous.

Also, the jabs at her ex husband come from nowhere. All we are told is they are divorced, so I guess we have to assume he is a bad guy and shouldn’t be raising children. So she has a happy ending. Yay!

bello
Now she just needs to stop making bad decisions in terms of shows and movies.

To give it some credit, the Dorff as robber / fear monger was decent.

1 out of 4.

Burlesque

Look at this movie. Burlesque? How does it not scream out “hey everyone, we have scantly clad chicks that will make you all enjoy me!” Well I didn’t.

ENjoy?
“Enjoy me right this instant, damn it!”

The movie begins with Christina Aguilera being a small town girl who just likes to sing. She hates her life, and isn’t getting paid, so she suddenly she rushes off to Los Angeles to look for a singing job. But she fails. And she then walks into Cher‘s Burlesque club, seeing a bunch of scantly clad women dancing to Cher singing. SHe wants in. Doesn’t get a job. So she just begins waitressing there for free, to get them to notice her.

Christina A has that “can do” attitude! She also ends up moving in with the bartender, Cam Gigadet, because her money was stolen and she feels unsafe. Sure, he has a girlfriend, but theres no way having a girl live there can be a problem.

Oh yeah. Kristen Bell is the star of the show, but the only actual singer is Cher. They just dance and lip sync to already made songs. Why? Because Cher demands it. Doesn’t matter if Kristen Bell can sing too. She wont let her. So eventually Christina gets a job, and thanks to Kristen sabotage, Christina ends up singing a song instead of lip syncing. People love it. She becomes a star.

This is good. Because Cher is about to lose her club and blah blah blah. Profit. People changing. Love triangles. Women fights. Jealousy. Lessons learned. End movie.

Now, my problem with this movie is (besides the story being not too original) is that I feel like the movie was actually made just to be a showboat for Christina Aguilera. Since she sings all the songs but like, two (Cher gets those) it is just a movie about how good she can sing. And that is annoying.

When I saw the cast, and heard it was musical, I assume I wasn’t just going to get a Christina concert. Because of how the plot goes, no one else was supposed to get to sing. But damn it, I was expecting a Kristen Bell song or two, and so was she I bet. She was also the star of the show in my book.

Kristen Bell
Wait. You’re telling me the fact that she was always drunk was a PROBLEM?

Stanley Tucci is also in this as “stage manager dude” and most definitely the best role. Everything else is a formulaic blah set to Christina and Cher acting like they are the best singers ever.

1 out of 4.

Grown Ups

You know what would make Grown Ups better? More SNL cast members. I don’t think they got enough of them.

Just kidding. That was the opposite of the truth. With at least 8 people who are (or used to be) SNL cast members (could be more? I am not an SNL addict), it helped the movie seem like a “old friends get back together” type event anyways.

Oh no
Some people weren’t invited to the reunion though.

Alright, the movie is about a group of old friends from a smaller town. When they were younger, they won a basketball championship. Now? Their old coach is dead, so they are celebrating his life with a reunion for the weekend.

We have Adam Sandler, now rich, married to Salma Hayek. Kevin James, now fat, married to Maria Bello. Chris Rock, now a housedad, married to Maya Rudolph. All three of them have two kids each. Rob Schneider is on his third (or fourth?) marriage, and has 3 kids (two of which are babes). And last, David Spade, all alone and a bachelor.

OKAY GOT IT ALL? GOOD.

Anyways. Throughout the weekend they try and relive their childhood. They try and get their kids used to the outdoors. They try and fix each others problems, as they haven’t seen each other for a long time.

By the end, the kids are outside more. Their lives are fixed by each other. They are bigger friends. And their wives still don’t hate them. That is more or less the plot. Mostly just a bunch of random events and activities, where these now grown ups get to try and relive their childhood memories, and joke on each other the whole time.

I mean. Parts were okay? I thought it had a couple decent moments. But they obviously tried to make it too family friendly and just felt muzzled. I think Schnieder was badly cast as “weird spiritual vegan dude”, and Spade as a bachelor felt very child predatorish. He is the creepiest single man alive, and I would even compare that to myself.

No one else (outside of Bello and Schnieder)) probably had to do much acting. I think most of it was them just acting like they probably normally would act. So I thought that was kind of lame. Just everything seeming more or less normal. Oh well! I think we can all agree though that Rob should try going back to red hair, am I right?

rob s red hair ninjas
Badly pixelated for your protection.

So yeah. Nothing really special about this movie. Just a subpar comedy.

1 out of 4

N-Secure

From just the cover, this movie N-Secure looks like some crazy action movie.

Cover of N-Secure
Action PACKED

But guess what? As you have guessed with the tags, it is not. It is not only a drama movie, but an overly dramatic drama movie. So much drama! And such bad acting.

This movie stars Cordell Moore who has one of the lamest IMDB pages I have ever seen. I think he looks like Barry Gordy from The Temptations movie, and was sad to see they are different people. This guy is a controlling freak. Over the movie it shows his relationship with three women, Essence Atkins (the sister in Smart Guy!), Denise Boutte and Tempestt Bledsoe (Yes THAT one).

First with Essence and maybe fathering a child, and finishing with Denise. The movie begins with him walking in on Essence maybe cheating on him with another man, despite their wedding soon. So he flips a shit. Says the child is the other guys. And may have the other guy killed. Maybe. Did I mention Cordell is rich? Dude has a mansion. He pampers his girls, but only if they follow his every rule.

I am talking making lists for what they can and can not do in their relationship. Having to call him at a certain time when leaving work and coming straight to him. Having to even ask to answer the phone.

I guess because of the cheating he is a bit…insecure. Even though Denise realizes this relationship is bad, she is afraid to leave it. Thankfully, with them working together, they can really end Cordell for good. And legally.

So yeah. Spoilers? You aren’t going to watch this movie after all. They end up killing him during his fit of rage and get it wiped off for self defense. Yay.

Denise
What a killer instinct! I knew it all along. (Okay, she wasn’t there for the death).

So yeah. This movie was terrible. Pacing was weird. And it just felt like watching someone be abused for most of the movie, and you know, not calling the cops and stuff. It is just way over the top dramatic, and definitely wasn’t a role suited for this guy who has never really been in anything. Also the title? N-Secure? There is no reason from the movie to why it should be that over Insecure. None. That is dumb. Don’t be dumb movie.

1 out of 4.

Twilight: New Moon

This is the 200th movie review of the site! The only other “big milestone” was 150, as 50 and 100 existed with the site launch already. Because damn it, I want to provide content. To match the theme from 150, this will be a picture heavy review.

Twilight: New Moon is the sequel to the movie Twilight, and hopefully it will answer all of the questions that the first movie failed to answer. Like. Why do Jacob and Edward hate each other?

Actually. That is about all I really cared about from the first movie.

Jacob Edward
“u mad bro?”

The movie begins with Kristen Stewart turning 18. Like you would assume, this makes her feel like an old lady, to the hundred some year old Edward who is stuck at 17. In a decade, their relationship will feel pretty pedo-tastic. So they have a party to ignore the future, but one vampire smells her paper cut and flips a shit.


“bro, u mad?”

Edward does the right thing then, and breaks up with her and moves the family to some other miserably dreary town. That is about the first 10 minutes. THE NEXT 35 MINUTES IS HORRIBLE BORING TIME. Seriously. I don’t know whats up, but the next half hour is mostly about her being sad. Eventually, she starts hanging out with Jacob, because her dad is threatening to move her back to cheery Phoenix, and guess what, she likes his adrenaline. She also probably likes that he keeps taking off his shirt to clean wounds. Oh yeah. But after 45 minutes of movie, we find out that Edward is haunting her as a ghost.

Bella
“Bellllaaaaaaaaaaaa. Belllaaaaaaa!!!” He is really just missing some rattling chains.

At this point, a little bit more happens but I am kinda mad. Just like a bro would be. (Third reference is a charm?). If I don’t see any werewolves before the first hour, I just don’t see the point. Long story short, I am disappointed. Instead I get to see them watch a movie called Face Punch and Jacob get all testosteroned up and mad at some other guy. He then promises to love Bella. Sounds familiar. At least he isn’t an immortal freak monster.

Speaking of freak monsters, at minute 62 we get to see big giant wolves in the forest! They are chasing the Jamaican vampire from the last movie who was friendly. Apparently there is consequences for the last movie, and now they want to kill Bella. Him and the weird red headed one. 65 minutes in Jacob does very impressive acrobatics. 70 minutes in? SOMEONE TURNING INTO A LARGE WOLF THING. Gah. So does Jacob. Wolf fight!


I am so glad the internet knows exactly what I want.

As a side note, I am usually upset when a werewolf is depicted as just a large wolf. Not like, a standing up wolf, but just a bigger regular wolf. Other movies seem to be doing that now too. So the next bit of movie is them protecting her from the last vampire who wants to kill her. Fine. But she wants Edward back. So she jumps off of a cliff to make the ghost upset. It works, his sister shows up, and is all, oh. You are alive. Cool.

Jacob is upset because he is now madly in love with Bella. So he is mad at the vampires. Either way. Somehow Edward finds out about all of this crap, and thinks Bella is dead. So he does the reasonable thing. He goes to Rome to have the vampire law makers kill him.

Shirtless
Shirtless, of course, as its the common theme.

So somehow after all this, the final conflict seems to be getting there fast enough to make sure he doesn’t get himself killed? They do this. The council doesn’t care. But thankfully love happens, and she agrees to turn into a vampire. So they spare him? Yay. Very easy ending. And, much like the last movie, the final “oh no conflict” seems to have come out of no where from the first 90 minutes of movie.

So they vote, yay, she can be a vampire. But first? More Edward and Jacob Angst. Bella tells Jacob that she wants Edward, (probably just wants to live forever) and to get away. The reason why they haven’t been killing each other (because werewolves only kill vampires? What?) is some treaty crap. It ends if they ever bite a human. Like Bella. Dun dun dun. And scene!

Twilight shirtless
But here is another shirtless photo, to take on the road.

So, overall? This movie was way too long. The first hour could have been condensed a lot more. Instead of being about vampires, it seems like the first half was about nothing at all. Then some werewolf stuff. Then attempted suicide far away (Despite Edward not being in most of the movie). Then some quarrels. Then end. Like. I feel like they didn’t even want it to be full movie.

Minutes 70-95 seem to be a real ending to the first movie, but they also put filler in between it. This stuff needs to be shifted so that the first movie could have felt more complete. Maybe take the next hour of the third movie and put it on this one for a better experience? I don’t know. I won’t for another 50 reviews.

I think we can all also agree that Anna Kendrick‘s role was greatly diminished in this movie, much to my disappointment.

1 out of 4.

Immortals

Wooo. Another movie in theaters! I don’t like movies in theaters normally. People are there. Yuck. Similarly I tend to like movies way more than normal on a big screen, so I can’t necessarily think straight.

I am pretty sure though that after seeing Immortals the big screen factor didn’t come into play at all.

Immortals
It hit me like a spear in the head.

The movie starts off with some fake Greek mythology, alright. Fine. Theseus, played by Henry Cavill, is pretty bad ass. That is him with the spear. Mickey Rourke, a King, wants to fuck everything up, find some bow, and release the Titans. With the help of a thief (Stephen Dorff) an Oracle (Freida Pinto) and occasional god tamperings (like Zeus / Luke Evans), they must try to stop the King before he releases the TItans. Or else everyone will die?

First off, for an action movie, there was a whole lot of not action. The main character himself didn’t seem to be that good. He could get the jump on a big group, kill some, and then bam. Get captured. He kept failing against big groups, it wasn’t funny. At least twice. The only amazing things he really did were two one on one fights. He even found the magical bow, and lost it almost instantly. The plot had a lot of holes in it, but if I told about them, it would provide more than one spoiler. But the bow? I guess just by saying it is magical or powerful, it can do anything? Sure it made its own energy bolts. But when he somehow sent arrows so quick four of them hit four targets at the same time. But later? These arrows make powerful explosions that go through stone walls. Way different properties out of nowhere.

So instead of action, they had the bad plot with bad acting. Because of the holes, I kept getting confused at what was going on. Confused may be a strong word, because it was simple. But still. You know.

I also didn’t find the visuals to be good at all. Everything just felt brown. I think a less realistic CGI or something might have helped the movie a bit. Which yeah doesn’t make any sense. The ending? Besides the confusion gained from the plot holes, it just didn’t make overall sense. I cannot tell if they are just trying to set up a sequel, or what.

Zeus
It does feature some nice God on God action though. Even though this scene also was pretty stupid.

1 out of 4.

Eat Pray Love

One of my friends joked to me a long time ago that Eat Pray Love could just be renamed “First World Problems: The Movie” (probably a stolen joke) but I didn’t get it now. Holy shit, I never knew the journey to self empowerment would be such an expensive endeavor.

Julia Roberts
Sure she is roughing it. But she is roughing it in Italy with a safety net.

The movie stars Julia Roberts as she travels around the world to experience life and find herself. She was living very well off in NYC with her husband, Billy Crudup, but got bored by the marriage. While trying to get a divorce (which he didn’t want), she fell for James Franco, who she then also had problems with. Her obvious solution was to pay for a trip to Italy, India, and Indonesia.

In Italy she was supposed to focus on her eating, and find happiness. In India, she would focus on her spirituality, and in Indonesia she would hang out with this weird medicine man and figure out her love life. Despite being packaged into nice little boxes, the overall theme of the movie was love. Everyplace she went, she had to deal with other social stigmas on her for not having a husband/being divorced. Some would call her courageous, but others stupid.

The transition was weird for me to watch too. Once she got to India, I felt like she was only being berated by Richard Jenkins for a long time. She got mad that he was speaking in “bumper stickers”, but she really didn’t have a better message. I barely even noticed her getting to Indonesia, minus the medicine man dude. Where, from what I could tell, all she was doing was hanging out with the rich Javier Bardem.

Javier Bardem
Not to be confused with the evil killing Javier Bardem.

Anyways. Most of the movie she seems to be complaining about love, and trying to get over her past two loves. Despite the eating and praying portions. Not only does that happen, but she complains a lot. Apparently her life is so bad that she had to leave the USA. By the end of course she “finds herself”, whatever that means, and in doing so…a new man. I thought they were trying to set us up for an independent woman thing, but somehow it still ends with a man. That man not being Billy Crudup, who she left brokenhearted in NYC.

I cant’ speak as a woman, but from what I can tell, it still promotes the fact that they need a man in their life to be truly happy, and that journeys require lots of money. If you are stuck at home, oh well, maybe you can journey to a nearby town. Doesn’t seem like the best messages. For shame, Julia Roberts. For shame.

1 out of 4.

Harry Potter: Cups of Orderly Fire Birds


This is NOT a review of the books, or a comparison of them. Also, these reviews will be SLATHERED with spoilers. So, there is the warning.

Harry Potter is Daniel Radcliff, Ron Weasley is Rupert Grint, and Hermoine is Emma Watson.

In the next movies, somehow Hermoine gets more attractive and Harry somehow gets uglier.

Point!
If only there was a picture I could find to show that point.

Harry Potter and the Goblet Of Fire

Finally! A movie that has everything I could want. Edward Cullen.

Hawblet Of Hyre
Much more taller and cooler than Harry Potter.

Finally, this movie helps us realize that more than one person is awesome in this school. Cedric is older, cooler, better with the ladies, and most likely to be wizarding president, or something like that. In fact, he is chosen to represent the school at some tournament versus other foreign stereotypical wizard schools. There is more than one!? Shit. More important stuff.

There is a new teacher to replace the last three, and he is creepy with a weird eye. Snape is still a jerk. Gandalf is still gay. But you know what? This movie is highly entertaining. It is great when a movie sticks to a tournament structure and actually goes through all the stages of the tournament, with no funny business. Minus Harry sneaking is way in. That jerk.

ALSO. That ugly bald guy is finally in the movie. He is some weird house far away from the rest of the action, but hey, he is still being an asshole. In fact, he kills Cedric! No one else sees it happen, but Harry. So no one believes it. But shit, that has to suck, having that dead body on his conscious. I hope Harry doesn’t have anything else like that happen to him.

Dulmbadore
Foreshadowing.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

This is the last movie to feature lame British people at the beginning. This time that replacement teacher is an older, grown up pink lady who works for the man.

Umbridge
She just screams oppression.

Also what happens in this movie? Well Sirius dies. And that is about it.

Dumbledore gets kicked out of Hogwarts in the movie, but don’t worry, by the end he is back. They start up a club to learn to fight (which helps make Dumbledore get kicked out, due to poor name choices) and that is good. But they still can’t beat Voldemorts people yet. And uhh. Yeah. This movie is like a really slow montage, that doesn’t equate to immediate victory.

But yeah. If this movie was a season of Buffy, to me it would be season 1. Just mostly felt like filler. I pretty much hated this movie. I didn’t see the point.

Compared to the book, sure whatever, a lot happens. But in the movie? Ehhh..Nothing important.

I thought the only other important thing would be that people know that Voldemort is back, but six sweeps that bad boy under the rug.

Mad Eye Moody
At least we still have big eyes. Who is the live action version of Mr. DeMartino.

These films we see a more mature cast, easier to look at, if Harry didn’t have such ugly hair. We get a better explanation of the Wizarding world, both in its government and its “more than one school ness”. Similarly, these movies amp up the stakes. PG-13, no longer that G stuff. Just imagine if this series gained a rating per film? 5 would be quite a different experience, and who knows about the last few.

The comparison between 4 and 5 for me is just crazy. I love four, I hate five. Apparently this is not what most people thing? But most people might just compare it to the books, hell if I know.

HP4:4 out of 4.
HP5:1 out of 4.

Push

Ugh.

I thought this movie, Push, would be a pretty simple action movie. Something about telekinetic people, maybe some government testing, and all this running around in Hong Kong. Cool stuff. Unfortunatly, it was beyond simple. Not in the good way. This was a complicated movie to understand, for just something about people with powers. I know Chris Evans loves playing people with powers, but come on man, you gotta learn to say no.

Evans
Despite the fame and fortune it may bring you.

This movie starts out simple. Dude is young, his dad tells him to hide, and to help a girl who gives him flowers in the future. Then he dies. Boom opening credits.

Then a girls voice begins talking and explaining a lot of back story. I even heard the word Nazi during it, so you know it is serious.

Later girl, Dakota Fanning, finds Evans and starts telling him the future. Turns out she is a “Watcher” and can predict the future, kinda. He is a “Mover” meaning he can telepathically move shit / control the air around him. Alright, fine, two types of people with dumb names for their powers got it.

They have to find a case worth a lot of money she says, and also it involves some other girl, Camilla Belle, who is a “Pusher” who can telepathically push memories/directions into other people’s heads. Alright. Three types of powers. Got it. Dumb name still. But cool. Also, USA is testing a new drug on people to enhance these powers, but it killed most people, except her.

And then landslide of confusion. There are a lot of different powers in this movie, and they often don’t explain them right away. Then you hear someone talking about a “Stitcher”, then a “Shadow”, then a “Wiper”, then a “Sniff”. You are like, holy shit, what the fuck is going on. If you memorize the terms of all of them before the movie, you’d be good to go, so here is a list. WTF, am I right? I can’t just learn all of this stuff in a slowly quick paced action movie. I don’t know anyone who could.

Besides that confusion, this movie has about as many holes as a piece of Pumice.

Pumice
This could be the first rock picture on Gorgon Reviews.

So, confusing nomenclature, causing zero assurance of what anyone can do (and how all these people came to exist anyways). Plot holes, so you don’t understand how events in the movie even happen. These two sentences do not bode well for a good movie experience. Bind those up with an ending where we are supposed to accept out of no where that somehow Chris Evans’ character became the smartest man in existence, and it just rates very low.

1 out of 4.

Harry Potter: Stones, Secrets, and Sirius



This is NOT a review of the books, or a comparison of them. Also, these reviews will be SLATHERED with spoilers. So, there is the warning.

Harry Potter is Daniel Radcliff, Ron Weasley is Rupert Grint, and Hermoine is Emma Watson. There are some other people, but who cares after the main three. The goal of the series was to have all the actors play the same role for all 7 (At the time, but now 8 ) movies! Lets see how that worked out.

Dumbledores
It doesn’t.

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

This first movie is very very simple. It has to get you caught up on the backstory (or origin), who the bad guys are, how the world works, etc. So you can consider this movie to be like the first movie of a superhero series, if it makes it easier. Like all good superheros, Harry Potter also lost his parents at an early age. While most superheroes still find themselves in a good situation, loving family, Harry gets the short end of the stick and has to live in an abusive house. The people in the house are the only real non magic users we learn about in this series, so I kinda just have to assume all British people are like that.

Science
Logic!

Blah blah. Big scary hairy guy tells him he is special. Steals him to a witch school (where no Muggles are allowed. Hmm. Seems kind of racist. Flaw in the series? I’m not saying Muggles and Wizards are different races. But the people in the movie do. Really, to compare it to superheroes, they are like Mutants. Since two non-mutants can still make a mutant baby.

At mutant orphan school, he is picked on by Alan Rickman, is talked about behind is back, and learns to do magic. Like normal middle/high school. Some gay old man takes a special interest in him, and the rest is history.

Oh yeah. And some guy with another dude on his head tries to kill him through a series of weird games and three headed dogs to get to a stone that lets people live forever. That part was just weird though.

Quirrel Head
Really, this just looks like some sort of artsy statue.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

Year 2! Life at home still sucks. School doesn’t. Turns out homeboy can talk to Snakes. That’d be amazing to me, you know, if these same people weren’t also flying around, shooting off spells and shit.

Some famous book guy replaces guy with two heads who tried to kill Harry as a teacher, and he also is inept at the job. Also, people are dying. Giant Basilisk in sewers? Oh no, evil dude who is dead kinda went to school here, had a diary (hah…) and tricked Harry! Don’t worry. The diary dies by the end, and all the kids are no longer stone.


What is going on here? Is he looking away so he doesn’t become stone? Why doesn’t the basilisk just bite him?

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Year 3! Home sucks, school doesn’t. Another new teacher, also inept, also suspicious. This one involves wearwolves though!

Oh. And shit. Dangerous criminals escaped from Prison. That sucks. More magic learning, more hall sneaking, more no good doing. Also, time travel. They got everything under the sun pretty much in this movie. Even that Dumbledore guy seemed confused by it all. HEY WAIT.

THAT’S A DIFFERENT ACTOR! SHENANIGANS!

Dancing Dumbledore?
Thankfully the actor change wasn’t this significant.

Richards Harris died before the third of eight movies! All of their plans, ruined! Guess they shouldn’t have picked such an old actor for such a long project. Oh well, enter Michael Gambon.

I can’t even remember if Voldermort is in this movie. I know it has animal rights stuff. But I think this one just has his lackies.

Oh yeah, and the escaped convict is Gary Oldman, not actually a murderer, and Harry’s godfather. So his last remaining “family” even though that word is a big stretch still.

HP and Joker
Why so serious, Black? This works because Oldman is in the Batman movies too.

So, I know they wanted authentic purposes. But I find the kids in the first movie to now just be creepy, based on their age. The first movie, when compared to the others kind of moves at a lot slower pace. Afterall, its the origin movie. With everything getting explained, it might bore future watchings. The second movie I usually just call a continuation of the first. Still a bunch of little kids. Still a bunch of explaining.

The third movie I think is the first to take on its own complete story and tell it well. It is interesting, and all of the components are interesting too, not confusing. Confusing is an easy adjective to give to movies dealing with any form of time travel too, so that is a great thing to pull off.

Obviously I remember the least from the second movie so it must not have had much of lasting impression on me, right?


HP1: 2 out of 4.
HP2: 1 out of 4.
HP3: 3 out of 4.