Cars 3

Ooooh, this franchise though. I hate Cars. And I hate Cars 2 more. They are bad movies. Seriously. They are just cash grabs, they have bad morals, they are just complete shit.

And they are worse because they have led us to having Planes and Planes: Fire & Rescue, which incredibly end up being worse than the Cars movies.

So, I definitely have been not looking forward to Cars 3. A franchise that won’t go away, because their toys keep making them money. This movie on its own could be amazing. It could answer some needed questions and be decent on its own right. But nothing it could do could redeem the monstrosity that are those previous four films.

And here is a picture of two cars racing.

Cars racing go go go! Lightning McQueen (Owen Wilson) is still doing that racing thing, still kicking butt, winning most of the time, or at least the top 3 with some of his friends, life is easy and everyone else is a bitch in comparison. But then, there is a rookie in the race, he comes from behind and wins. His name is Jackson Storm (Armie Hammer). Why does he not pass everyone until the last possible moment? Why does no one notice a car with an extremely sleek new design? No idea, but he wins.

And then he keeps winning. Then the race cars start getting replaced by the newer models, because they are faster and better. You know, things that make sense. Lightning finds himself finishing the season in a giant crash and he goes back home to find himself. Can he get back into the grove, being the only “old” race car to join the series once again and prove himself? Maybe.

That would be the point of the movie though, I guess.

Returning for vocals in very limited roles include Larry the Cable Guy, Tony Shalhoub, Bonnie Hunt, John Ratzenberger, and Paul Newman (yes).

But also, you know, new characters. Sterling (Nathan Fillion), the new owner of Lightning’s main sponsor, Cruz Ramirez (Cristela Alonzo), Lightning’s new trainer to get him in shape for the new season, and Smokey (Chris Cooper), the vehicle that trained Doc, along with Lea DeLaria, Kerry Washington, Margo Martindale, and Bob Peterson.

And here is a picture of two cars racing.

Buckle up, buckaroos, because I don’t want to spend too much time talking about why Cars 3 is terrible, but in all likelihood, that is all I will get done.

One of the biggest problems of the Cars universe still glaringly exists for the third time. Where do these cars come from? Are they built in a factory? Is there car sex and car babies born? We know they can be worked on and improved, but only at some point. Given that Smokey’s mentor is still alive, cars also don’t seem to really know how to die outside of Doc, so it is sort of bizarre.

These questions matter because (gasp), newer better racing cars, based off of better designs, meant to go fast and handle corners better, now exist! Why? How? Are some car executives somewhere creating new life forms and taking over, and this is an issue? In Cars 2 the problem was Lemon cars, cars that were basically disabled characters, now it is new cars with a lot of bells and whistles. How dare they come into the world and excel at the one thing they were created to do.

Let me say it again. Our bad guys are new race cars, who are doing really good at racing cars, who were made and designed to race cars and only do that well. They are doing better than Lightning McQueen who, GUESS WHAT, was also designed and built to race cars really good, just decades before then. When Lightning McQueen joined the scene, was he made into a villain for taking out older models from the race world?

No, he was not. So why is it now an issue, when Lightning McQueen helped do the same exact shit in his youth? Because we have seen him in movies we are supposed to halt the natural evolution of a sport (that is designed by a magical car creator or other cars or something), so that he can do what? WIN BASICALLY EVERY TIME! There are 20-30 racers in these race, and these other poor cars apparently never win ever, and we don’t feel bad for them. We are just supposed to feel bad that Lightning is no longer the top of the line. It is not fair for just him, while everyone else just accepts it.

And here is a picture of two cars racing.

Okay, I had to do a whole section to explain why just the even plot and premise for this film is shit. So now let me talk about other issues.

There isn’t really anything in the way of suspense by the end. How it goes is pretty expected, assuming you are paying at least a little bit of attention. However, they decide to let the dumb thing happen by having one of those in film “rule book arguments” when it turns out that what they want to do isn’t against the rules. Usually this is fine, because it is alluded to somewhat earlier in the movie and at least can make sense. But given it is a fictional universe with whatever willy nilly rules, it comes off surprising. It SHOULD be against the rules, it just isn’t because it is convenient to the plot. And this happens twice within the same final race. Not because it is sensical, but because lazy writing.

Thankfully they learned something from Cars 2 and gave us way less Tow Mater, but it is crazy how much of the original characters are just bit parts. I wouldn’t have assumed that Sally is still Lightning’s love interest in this film if he didn’t just once call out that he loved her. They barely interacted and honestly I don’t see Lightning as still being faithful.

Poor Paul Newman died in 2008, and his voice is still being used in this series. Unused audio from the first film existed so they patched it together for some voice stuff in this film, and it just feels downright gross to do that.

Cars 3 is easily the worst Pixar film since Cars 2. Cars 3 does NOT make Cars 2 look like Cars, because Cars 2 is still the worst, beyond worst, Pixar movie by a long shot. And that is technically a positive.

2017 continues to be a below average year for animated films, but Pixar is on a downward slide. Finding Dory wasn’t good, and the The Good Dinosaur was meh. That is three stinkers in a row. They are banking on Coco doing great in November, but it probably will just feel too similar to The Book of Life at this point, so I have no idea what will save them. They are banking on sequels to beloved franchises for the next films after Coco. We just have two sequels though, and will get two more? They need to stop whatever the fuck they are doing, rethink their whole operation, and start getting original quick if they are going to save their standards.