Author: Admin

There is one major reason why “average people” would want to see Melancholia.

I may be off my rocker declaring this, or pompous, not sure. But come on, that has got to be it.

That is why I wanted to see this movie. Not afraid to say that.

This movie is highly rated and an artsy indie movie. But also Kirsten Dunst is super naked in it.

This is not one of those times. But it might as well be.

The movie is split up into two parts and a prologue. The movie begins with Earth getting fucked up and getting hit by a giant planet. Like way bigger than Earth. All the scenes were in super slow motion and confusing me, because I saw the same characters doing different things, when I thought it was supposed to show their last seconds. Nope. The first part is called “Justine” played by Dunst. She is getting married! To Michael (Alexander Skarsgard). They have a big ceremony on a mountain and are late. Limos hate mountains.

It is a weird wedding. Family issues, etc. Dunst is some sort of depressed and her sister, Claire (Charlotte Gainsbourg) is clearly trying to help her out. She is trying super hard to fix it all, but cant. And before her wedding night, she screws some other person and I guess Michael finds out and leaves her. That night. Wooo, take that Kim Kardashian.

The second half is called Claire, for some reason. The planet is getting close to earth, but everyone is saying it will miss the planet. Including Claire’s husband, played by Kiefer Sutherland, an amateur astronomer. But Claire freaks out anyways, and now her sister is living with her, barely able to do anything at all with her depression. She is even looking forward to the collision and hopes it will happen! And we all know it will right? It will miss, but sling shot back around and come fuck everything else up.

“OH FUCK!” – Earth in one collective groan.

Did I spoil it all? Hard to say.

I am kind of mad at the ending. It doesn’t happen at all like the beginning seemed to suggest. Maybe it was a metaphor, the beginning. Or something. I don’t know.

It is a super indie artsy movie and well, maybe it went over my head? If it did I don’t care. It made me not like it. The wedding was all long and sporatic, so I didn’t enjoy watching it. I didn’t understand Dunst’s character. I didn’t even realize her husband was trying to divorce her the same night. Id understand that he was mad since she said she’d be right back before wedding sex, and she took forever. But I don’t see how that is grounds for no longer seeing each other.

Took me awhile to realize what had happened, until it was spelled out for me (yay wikipedia) which I decided to read the first part of the plot summary before the second act.

And uhh yeah. If you want to see Kristen Dunst naked, you have the internet.

Hellboy II: The Golden Army made one of the worst mistakes ever. The worst being releasing your movie the same date as The Dark Knight.

So instead it id the second or third worst mistake ever. It released in theaters the week before The Dark Knight. Sure, all the fanboys would go to see both. But people who only watch once a month, or random viewers who had to choose between two “comic book movies” meant Hellboy II would lose every time.

This is a shame, because Hellboy II ended up being better than Hellboy in every way. (If I had to review Hellboy, I’d probably give it a 2 out of 4. Interesting, but not my favorite. Cool concept, falls short.)

That outfit? All make up, no CGI. What!?

Hellboy (Ron Perlman) is up to his same antics. He hates being locked away, wants to be free. Liz Sherman (Selma Blair), who can ignite herself and other objects on fire, is now his “girlfriend”, but they are fighting as they live together. Why? Because she is pregnant (awkward). It is causing things in the B.P.R.D. to be quite a mess. Abe (Doug Jones), the fish man and Tom (Jeffrey Tambor), the director, are worried the antics will cost them jobs.

Well Prince Nuada (Luke Goss), an ancient elf is pissed off. He wants to return to the surface world, reignite the golden army of indestructible robots, and kill all humans. His race disagrees, so he kills a bunch of them. Not his twin sister, Princess Nuala (Anna Walton) though, because if one of them gets hurt, so does the other. So he causes problems and Hellboy uses this opportunity to join the world!

This causes a new director to come in, Johann Krauss (Voiced by Seth MacFarlane), an old being who is now all gaseous and shit. And German. Now they have to run things by the book, and figure out how to find out whats going on with the elves.

More fights happen, unexpected love between fish and elf, giant plant beasts, close deaths, certain destruction, and golden armies.

And probably the best version of “Can’t Smile Without You” of all time!

As expected, I loved this movie. As I said, the action is better, the story is better (general rule in the sequel, since you don’t have to waste as much time with origins), it is funnier, and introduces great new characters.

It might be closer to the comics too, but I still haven’t read them. I am anxiously waiting an ending to the saga with a Hellboy III. It might be a few years from now, but they keep claiming he will eventually destroy the world, as that is why he was summoned in the first place, so that shit needs to almost happen.

Oh yeah, and I am pretty sure Hellboy is how Ron Perlman normally looks, and every other time is him in make up.

I might have seen a trailer for this movie before. Maybe. It sounded familiar when I saw the case at least and quickly thought, “Of course! I have to buy The Foot Fist Way!” Especially if it was only a buck.

Ignore the camera crew and director in the mirror.

Danny McBride plays Fred Simmons, in his first ever major movie. Ever. Way before he was Kenny Powers. He runs his own Tae Kwon Do dojo, maybe in South Carolina. They make references to Myrtle Beach at least twice in this movie. Somehow he has a decent looking wife (Mary Jane Bostic), but she might be a whore. Giving some handjobs at work to her boss and all.

Either way, he actually does know his martial arts, not a complete poser. He got first in some national competition…a long time ago. So now he has a Dojo. His idol is Chuck “The Truck” Wallace (Ben Best), a Hollywood martial arts expert (ie lot like Chuck Norris), who he is pretty sure he an take in a fight.

And uhh yeah. Eventually he takes some members down to a conference to see The Truck in action, party with him, and get him to come by to judge their belt testing.

The truck fucks his wife, they duel, the truck wins, great dishonor on Kenny Pow- erm, Fred Simmons’ family. They challenge again, but on breaking things. And then the movie ends.

Watching this movie is watching the first incarnation of Kenny Powers, more or less. I assume this had no script, the rough outline I gave you, and some scenes of Danny McBride beating up some kids.

I thought it worked. It was enjoyable. But the ending felt like a major let down. I didn’t even understand that last scene, I watched it a second time to see if there were any jokes there. None. Hmm. Offputting. Maybe the lack of humor at the end was part of the humor? But I did not like that.

The Runaways is a movie I could have watched about a year and a half ago, maybe.

But at that point I thought “Man, why would I want to watch the origins of a band that gave me Joan Jett? I don’t like Joan Jett.” Blah blah, woman power and etc, but man, I really don’t like Joan Jett.

Giant picture, to cover up my biases.

But first, some introductions.

Cherrie Currie (Dakota Fanning) wants to be a rock star and loves David Bowie. She apparently likes singing, despite the fact that early on, she is inaudible and hard to hear. She also has an alcoholic father, and a sister (Riley Keough) who would love to get away from home as well.

Joan Jett (Kristen Stewart) likes guitars and wearing “men clothes!” (leather jacket?!) and meets Kim Fowley (Michael Shannon), a guy who agrees, there should be an all girl rock band! They get Jett, and a drummer, and try to find a “hot blonde singer”. Cherrie Currie is found and auditions with a lame song, so they make a new song that becomes their new number one hit.

They also gain Lita Ford (Scout Taylor-Compton) and Robin*.

They become world famous, drugs happen, and crazy Japanese fangirls. They also start to hate each other, mostly Lita hating Cherrie. Eventually she quits the band, ruins the Runaways, and goes back home to live a lame life. Joan Jett just makes her new band and becomes famous. Lita Ford does her Lita Ford things. Robin* dies in a planecrash.

Never to be seen again…

So yeah, teens doing sex things and drugs and touring. The 70s were crazy, man.
* – There is no Robin. She is a fictional character in the band because Jackie Fox did not allow usage of her name.

Why? Probably because Jackie Fox has nothing to do with this movie. Instead of focusing on the whole band (I don’t even know the drummer (middle girls) name), it was Jett/Currie. The manager guy who eventually tried to screw them over had more of a screen presence than Ford, Robin, and the drummer.

I didn’t hate the performances of the characters though. Felt weird to see Dakota Fanning in a role like that, which is why I am sure she did it. ( “Fuck Typecasting” – Dakota Fanning) The music wasn’t that bad either, mostly sure I have never heard of a song by The Runaways before, and it was decent.

Would be glad to never hear Cherry Bomb again though, felt like that song was played too much in one movie.

But I didn’t like (obviously) how one sided it all felt. Surely there was more going on than the lead singer doing drugs, failing at life, and then not being a big star for the rest of her life? I think it is why a lot of people disliked The Temptations, because it felt more like The Temptations – In Otis Williams mind. He had the advantage of being the only one left alive though, so why not?

I can’t confirm this, but I am sure the rest of the band is still alive. So of course I just looked it up, not the drummer. I guess that explains why I can’t even remember her name?

Catfish is a “documentary” on, well, the internet.

Ready for my vaguest plot summary ever?

This is Megan!

This is a “documentary” about Abby. Abby is an 8 year old girl who paints pictures, and mails them off to a guy named ‘Nev‘ in New York City, because she saw him in the paper and thought he was cute. Nev lives with two filmmakers, and because of his relationship with this wunderkind artist, they want to make a film! Begins with them getting more artwork, and it kicking ass. He even befriends Abby’s family!

First her mom, Angela, and then her older sister, Megan about 19. Facebook is great. Turns out Megan is great too. Has a lot in common with Nev, writers he own music, has her own social life. They don’t start dating, but they are interested in each other. He also gets to know her friends, her moms friends, whatever.

But one day he finds out that a song she sent him as a cover, sounds identical to a different cover found on the internet.

Roadtrip!

Yes, that is all of the plot outline you will get out of me. A lot of the point about the movie is the discovery, and journey, so even letting you know more already ruins it. Obviously I used quotation marks around documentary a lot.

Is this a real story? Maybe. Probably not. It at least has real people in it. They aren’t saying its fake. Technically the events that occurred all seem to have happened, but maybe parts were exaggerated or recreated for the purpose of a movie.

Finally, it is kind of a different movie genre. It seems to be a bit experimental, and I think it pays off. There could be a theme of fakeness in this movie, given the topic at hand, and the questionability in the film itself. If so, well done. Layers and shit.

But yeah, I liked it, even though it slowed at points near the end. If it is real, I like the level of respectability that went into it. If not well, its a pretty good fake documentary.

I had to rush out an “Irish movie” for St. Patrick’s Day, but it turns out there aren’t many of those that exist. I don’t want to watch Leap Year (at all), but it also kind of celebrates a different holiday.

So how about The Boondock Saints II: All Saint’s Day? As we have discussed before, there is no way making a sequel many years later could be a bad thing.

Also with less fucking uses of the word fuck.

The movie begins eight years after the end of the first Boondock Saints. After the final assassination, they fled to Ireland. Murphy (Norman Reedus), Connor (Sean Patrick Flanery), and their father (Billy Connolly). But after an assassination occurs in Boston by someone else trying to frame the Saints, they realize, hey, lets go stop them.

On the way they meet Romeo (Clifton Collins Jr.), a Mexican underground fighter, who serves as a nice “Rocco” replacement and joins them. They also learn that the son of the guy from the first movie is out and about, and probably set up the hit against them (Judd Nelson).

Oh yeah, wouldn’t be a Saints film without detectives trying to figure out what is going on. Now that Willem Dafoe‘s character is dead, his protege, Julie Benz, is on the case. She also comes with the same group of bumbling idiots, and tries to imitate Dafoe’s character, but you know, doesn’t do as good.

But yeah. Back to Boston, fix their name, assassination highjinks / very lucky, avoiding the law, and stopping a crime boss. End scene!

Sorry, there is no good pictures on the Internet from the sequel.

I realize not everyone liked the first Saints movie, but it does have a huge cult following, and made bank on DVD sales, so that is why the sequel eventually happened. And I think everyone who was hoping for magic let out a collective sigh of disappointment.

While it does seem to provide more of the same stuff we should like, it also feels, just not the same. It is hard to describe why it isn’t as good, because then I’d have to explain why I thought the first saints was good. I guess I thought it was clever, and going against stereotypes for movies like it (famous rope scene and all), but just didn’t find it present in the sequel.

Benz was pretty bad too, trying to do the exact same thing as Dafoe, but not being Dafoe it just seemed like a parody. I already said that, but it needed reinforcement.

Reinforcement is a weird word.

Let Me In is the American Remake of Let The Right One In, a highly rated Swedish movie. I do own Let The Right One In, on Blu-Ray, just haven’t seen it yet. I kept putting it off for no reason, and meant to review/watch it before the American version, but at this point, the American version had to come now with my opening to watch it closing.

But if Hank Hill has anything to say on the matter, he’d say if a foreign film was any good, they’d remake it for America. While kind of an insult, it is kind of also a compliment. So I expected good things with this movie.

Good, probably creepy, things with this movie.

Owen (Kodi Smit-McPhee) is a small young, probably Minnesotan boy. I am guessing the state, but there is snow a lot, and these guys go out to play hockey on a lake once, and Minnesota has a lot of lakes. He is weirder, so he gets picked on by the bullies at school, lead by Kenny (Dylan Minnette). His parents are also getting divorced, so he pretty much only lives with his mom.

Then, one night, a girl, Abby (Chloe Grace Moretz) and her dad (Richard Jenkins) move in next door. Abby tells him they cannot be friends, but they do so anyway. Even talking in Morse code through the walls. The bully problem is getting worse, so she tells him to defend himself and she will help. He ends up fighting back, with a quick swing, and manages to slice Kenny’s ear open…right at the same time a body is found under the ice!

If you didn’t know, Abby and her dad are vampires. The dad character tends to go out and feed and bring back blood for Abby. When one encounter goes wrong, the dad is left badly burned and in the hospital, with the detective (Elias Koteas) very confused and suspicious of everyone. Eventually the little girl.

The ending of the movie includes Owen trying to finally, maybe, overcome the bullies, the realization of vampire-ness, escaping the detective and more. I kind of want to spoil stuff, but wont this time.

Vampires be crazy.

This (remake of a foreign movie) was so very good! It was deep and felt heartfelt the whole time. Kind of a slow paced movie, it is also equally about bullying as it is about vampires, I’d like to think. And yet everyone does so good. Owen was also the little kid in The Road, so he knows a thing or two about being in horrifying situations and not freaking the heck out.

Chloe also did a great job. Despite the fact that their characters were “going steady” eventually in the movie, and that vampires are usually all about sex, I never felt like a creepy “oh god, pedophilia?? (or necro)” thought in my head, even in one “bed” scene. Mad about quotation marks yet? Too bad. It all felt more like child curiosity, even though Abby is a lot older than Owen.

It also didn’t try to change vampire mythos. All of it seems to be based on the facts we knew growing up, which is all everyone wants. Most new vampire movies try to change them. But in this movie, sunlight is bad, holy water is bad, need blood, can’t go into residence without being invited (thus the title), and etc. Since that stuff doesn’t have to be explained, the movie can just be enjoyed and felt. Pretty much, this is like Flipped, but less for kids.

Speaking of movies based on comics…

Hey look, Dylan Dog: Dead Of Night!

Something I have never heard of before this movie. So must be a lower title, maybe an indie thing. Eh.

The scene after this was pretty hot.

Dylan Dog (Brandon Routh, or that guy who helped ruin the Superman franchise (Go Marvel!)) is a detective who helps work with the supernatural creatures. Werewolves, vampires, ghosts, zombies, whatever. Or at least he used to be.

Now with his assistant Marcus (Sam Huntington), he is a normal detective. That is until a girl (Anita Briem) brings him a case pulling him back in. He stopped doing it because vampires were mad, he killed a bunch of elders (accidentally?). This leads him to werewolves, vampires, ghosts, zombies. Kind of everything I mentioned earlier I guess.

Also, early on his partner dies, and becomes a zombie. Yay zombie! One of the main vampires (and thus bad people) is played by Taye Diggs. Eventually Dylan Dog will figure it all out, and save the day. Also, his partner is a zombie.

Zombies can come out of morgues all like, “What? What happened? I’m not dead, asshole.”

So uhh, as a comedy horror action thing, I found it to be lacking hard in at least two of the categories. Apparently these comics are big in Italy, and pretty much everyone has read at least one. I heard they also hate this movie, because it is nothing like the comic which also serves as a form of social commentary. That sounds pretty cool actually, because I didn’t see any social comentary in this movie.

I only found the friends realization that he is a Zombie funny, and coming to terms with that. Nothing was really scary. So mostly it was an action / detective field, where even the main character wasn’t the real hero by the end. Let all the other people do the “morally questionable” parts, and leave himself free of morals. How boring.

So yeah, what a yawner.

Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps is the sequel to the critically acclaimed movie, Wall Street, just set and made about 23 years later. I mean, why not, clearly that is a long enough time to wait for a sequel. No one likes them rushed. It might appeal to a completely new crowd, but as long as they don’t do stupid things with the characters, then it should be good right?

It should be noted that I watched Wall Street for the first time a day before watching the sequel, and loved the original. Charlie Sheen and his dad did a great job, as did Michael Douglas.

Why Martin keeps playing the dad character to his actual sons roles, I will never know.
Must have gained a lot of false memories while parenting.

The movie begins with Michael Douglas’ character getting out of jail. What? Wall Street didn’t end with him getting jailed. I guess that happened in the 20 some year break.

The main character of this movie is actually Shia LaBeouf, which makes total sense, why not. He is dating Carey Mulligan, the daughter of Douglas, and isn’t in to the ridiculous wealth thing, like her dad. Greed is bad she says! He is also a young stock broker, for a dying company lead by Frank Langella. The economic crash has already occurred, from 2008 or whatever, so they are hoping for a bailout and it isn’t looking likely.

Pseudo-threats, lead by Josh Brolin, lead Frank to kill himself, leaving his company and Shia’s future in question! So he lied to some people and hurt Brolin where it matters, his wallet. This made Brolin like his balls, and hire him. At the same time, Shia is looking to his soon to be father in law, for help, advice, as he likes him (unlike his fiance).

Eventually people screw over other people. Brolin also was the man responsible for imprisoning Douglas, apparently. Then the new bad guy gets what is coming for him, and Douglas’ character turns over a new leaf and everyone has a happy ending.

Note the smiles.

I hated this sequel. First off, it was kind of boring. Second off, it played off of post crash wall street, instead of during crash wall street, a much more exciting time. When I tried to get people to watch Margin Call, I was told it reminded them of this movie, but they are “nothing alike”. In terms of what they are overall about and how good they are.

Thirdly, they killed Michael Douglas’ character. Not like a death, but what he was, and how he was most of the movie, they decided to ignore all of his life and have him change last moment, and do something unlike anything he has done before. That shit was stupid. I am all for redeeming characters, that is a big problem I have with Toy Story 3, but the way they did it was out of no where, unbelievable, and just gross to look at. My eyes and ears hurt when I saw it.

Charlie Sheen’s character was in the movie briefly, but it didn’t seem like his character either.

Finally, this movie was more confusing than the first one. They did a poor job of explaining everything that was happening, and it took forever to catch up. From all the people who became stock market folks cause of the first movie, this one might cause less people to choose the field. Huh, maybe that is a positive then?

Generally when you sit down to watch a movie (like Jack and Jill), knowing that it was nominated for the most Razzies of the films that year, you might go in thinking it will be bad. Which is understandable, can’t avoid it. If you haven’t heard of the Razzies, you might have guessed it by the the many commercial previews for it, that looked bad.

Well, yeah. It was. But how bad? A lot of the times bad movies by Hollywood standards are considered rage inducing bad, with people carrying their pitchforks to take down the director, but they are also fueled mostly by people who hadn’t seen the movie. That will always happen, forever, because the general reasoning is “No, why would I want to watch that? Its bad!” The whole reason for this website, pretty much, to fight that behavior.

So let us all go watch supposedly bad movies anyways, just to make sure its not a conspiracy!

So Adam Sandler plays Jack, a sort of successful commercial director/advertisement agency thing. Thanksgiving is coming up, also known as the annual visit from his twin sister, Jill. Why do they look identical minus hair and stuff? No idea, shits impossible. She used to live in the Bronx with their mom, but now that she is dead, it has been only her and her bird. So she is lonely. That is most of the plot really, his twin sister is annoying, but just trying to be less lonely and sad.

Jack’s family involves his wife (Katie Holmes), his daughter (Elodie Tougne), and adopted son (Rohan Chand).

His boss is played by Tim Meadows, and his atheist assistant is Nick Swardson. The big problem they are facing is that Dunken Donuts wants to pull away from their company, their biggest client,if they cannot get Al Pacino to be in their new commercial product line for a “Dunkacino”. But that is Al Pacino, there is no way they could get him to do something so silly. [I think I just got that the commercial is a metaphor for this movie?]

Al Pacino, playing himself, falls in love with Jill, who keeps making excuses to stay around, and eventually Jack realizes he can use Jill to land Al Pacino (Even if she finds him repulsive). Eventually everyone learns to love each other, and yay family.

It makes me cry a bit knowing this is a real scene in a real movie.

So, I did find parts of the film funny. The ending with Jack and Pacino watching the commercial and talking about how it must be destroyed, I assume is about the movie, and was funny. The opening and beginning had actual twins talking about their lives (I assume the stories weren’t made up) which was neat. Jack also had some nice lines at his sisters expense early on in the film. Obviously Sandler as Jill was annoying and horrendous. So he pretty much ruined all of his jokes, by having her react to them in the manner that she did.

But besides that,I thought Katie Holmes was the worst part of this movie. She felt so fake, and did just a bad job at appearing concerned and caring. Seriously. Her facial expressions were the worst. Al Pacino as himself also hit a nerve. Sometimes he was amusing, but his deep fascination with Jill, on a level compared to stalking wasn’t as good as his general anger towards other things in Hollywood.

Lot of cameos in this movie, and thought Norm MacDonald‘s was the best.

So worst movie ever? Nah. Bad? Sure, definitely. Would have been the same result if it wasn’t twins and Adam Sandler just played the role of an annoying sister. Well, at least kids will like it.