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Damn it, Halle Berry.

Maybe I should blame the director who has some ocean fetish?

Either way, fuck everyone involved with this trash.

I knew the movie Dark Tide was about Halle Berry and sharks and that’s about it. Another movie that sounds to be a recipe for excitement and thrills. But it isn’t.

Berry’s character used to swim with sharks and “Study” them. No real science, just the observation part. But at some point a tragic accident happened and her mentor died in the sea. Well, this caused a lot of tension, and she broke up with her boyfriend, Oliver Martinez.

A year later she is just doing boat tours, afraid of sharks now. Her old boyfriend pops back up, and is all, heyyy lets make money. They need it badly. In comes a millionaire who wants to buy cool things for him an his son to do, Ralph Brown. Like a all rich people, he is immediately shown to be a bad guy in the film for wanting to do something cool.

She agrees, but only with cages, no free swimming with the great whites. But he says bump that, and leaves the cage anyways, making almost danger. As it gets later at night, and the waves get crazy for a storm, a lot more arguing happens, and Berry gets all “rawr” and says LETS GO BACK OUT.

So they do. And shit goes wrong. Boat capsizes. Some people die, and all around clusterfuck.

I’m sorry guys. Here is another picture of Halle Berry in a bikini top.

This movie is almost two hours long. I paused it halfway through, shocked that it was no where close to being done, and went to sleep. That is how boring it was. The beginning was also confusing, and I think they were shownig stuff out of order, or shots that had nothing to do with Halle Berry’s boat.

There are attacks in the film that happen…to other people. I guess to try and keep it interesting? Weird direction to go, since the first 80 minutes seem to be them saying that sharks aren’t dangerous to humans, but they keep showing the contrary.

The only “exciting” part happens near the end, but it is at night, so hard to tell what is going on, and most people are wearing full wet suits and not talking (under water) so hard to tell who is doing what. When the boat capsized, I had no idea who got stuck in it and drowned. Really, no idea.

But the shitty ending isn’t the worse part, it is definitely everything before it. A “serious” movie that seems to have about 5 minutes of real drama stretched throughout the film. SO. FUCKING. BORING.

I am kind of afraid to watch any movie about the ocean now, just because of how dull these movies are being made about them. This film offers nothing in terms of entertainment value for two hours of your life.

“Why the fuck are you reviewing Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus?” – Reader comment immediately.

Because I bought this and another Mega movie on Blu-Ray about a year ago, for only $5 each. Huge deal. So I said sure why not! Yes, I know this is a terribad B-movie that most people would only enjoy for the aspects of making fun of it. But hey, I figured it had to be at least a little bit entertaining, right? I mean. A mega shark. Is it bigger than a giant octopus? How big is a giant octopus? What the hell is a mega shark?

I figured maybe these questions would be answered for me, and some cool fight scenes and that’d be enough.

Lets assume this scale stays the same throughout the movie.

What’s to say about the plot? Deborah Gibson is a scientist (hahaha) and studying Whales off of Alaska or something. But during it, the military also undergoes some sonar testing, causing the whales to flip their shit and run into the nearby glacier. Also the military helicopter crashes, and hits the ice berg, causing it to break open and release the stars of the movie. Despite being natural predators of each other they apparently go their own way and fuck up shit on different sides of the Pacific ocean.

Gibson finds a shark tooth and according to an adviser/former pilot Sean Lawlor, it belongs to a species that went extinct 1.5 million years ago! A Japanese scientist comes to help investigate too, Vic Chao, thinking that it is the same thing messing up Japan. But hey, turns out two creatures. They are then all recruited by the military, Lorenzo Lamas, to stop the creatures, but prefer to capture them alive for studying, not killing.

Shit goes down, plans don’t work, and eventually they realize they have to bring the creatures together. Maybe they will kill each other, or at least one of them will be killed in their fight, and that will solve all of their problems.

The octopus has a tentacle big enough to smack a jet out of air, while the shark we can see the whole size of, has to jump up high to get the plane? Size wise, the Octopus must be enormous.

Cheesy B movie, bad science, etc. All of these exist, yes. But, what I expected from it was to see some hardcore Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus action. Not sure why, maybe because of the title.

Most of the movie has them doing nothing with each other, and military people or random civillians getting destroyed by them. Nothing too graphic either, a lot of shaky cam, just missed the action, stuff. But then when they finally do fight, it too is disappointing and kind of hard to figure out whats going on.

What I am trying to say is that in a movie with two giant sea creatures battling, I was bored. INCREDIBLY bored. Throughout the whole movie, waiting for something cool to happen.

What the hell? That shouldn’t happen in a movie like this. Its only redeeming quality should be the entertainment aspect, and it failed miserably for me on that. Fuck! I hate being bored for 90 minutes like that.

Haha! Funny People! A movie about people who are funny!

That is the assumption at least. I will let you know I’ve heard tons of bad things about this movie. Most of my friends hated it. But damn it, I loved 50/50 (which could just be the better version of this movie, not sure). I also thought It’s Kind Of A Funny Story was supposed to be similar to those two (it isn’t) but I loved it as well. So damn it, I am going to watch Funny People and see what the hell happens.

Although this is a scene from the movie, it is definitely way out of context.

Alright lets get the basics.

Seth Rogen wants to be a stand up comic, but isn’t good at it. He has some good material, but bad delivery. Also maybe too many fart jokes. He lives with Jonah Hill, who is more successful and improv like, and Jason Schwartzman, who is staring in some kids sitcom about a cool teacher. Making those ‘big’ bucks.

Adam Sandler plays a big celebrity star. He has done a lot of shitty movies, and used to just be a stand up comic guy too. Turns out he is probably going to die, to a rare disease, kind of shattering his world view. I mean, fuck. He didn’t see that coming. He doesn’t even have really any friends. Needless to say he is kind of depressed, and bombs at a comedy club, where Seth Rogen is quick to make fun of him for his act for cheap laughs.

Sandler freaking out hires Seth to write some jokes for him, and also pseudo take him under his wing for a little bit. Opportunity of a life time for him, at the end of Sandlers. He also is one of the first to know, and helps him out during it when he gets sick. Sandler slept around a lot, so he regrets having that one “slip away”, in Leslie Mann, who is now married to an Australian journalist, Eric Bana, with two kids. Rogen’s problems are just his inability to talk to women, and having a three month plan to try and score with Aubrey Plaza, a neighbor of his.

This movie does NOT end with Sandler’s death. Because the movie is more so about the trial he is on working, and having a new shot a life, after he had thought it was over. Can he fix the wrongs in his life, and get out of his celebrity funk?

Har har har! Funny people!

I think one of the biggest complaints about this movie is the length. Almost 2.5 hours long, it is very unexpected for a movie of its type. The unrated version is about 10 minutes longer (and I can’t tell which I watched. I wanted the Unrated one, but the Blu-Ray menu was confusing!). Apparently it only adds more stand up parts, which I found amusing.

Maybe another complaint is in terms of direction. I really thought it was going to end with Sandler dying. I read the back of the box afterward, and it pretty much begins with “a man getting his second shot at life”. Oh yeah, definitely made that clear with words, just not the previews. So only half of it was him dying, the second half being alive and figuring out what to do now.

Definitely an interesting way to take it, and something I didn’t see happening. I thought the movie felt very real, and I enjoyed it though. It could have definitely been better overall, and not as unforgettable as other Apatow movies. I am sure I will watch it again, just farther in the future, as it is a pretty long time commitment, but I thought it did a good job overall.

Two things I assumed from the tv ads for Contraband when I first saw them in January.

One: With Mark Wahlberg, how does this look like anything but The Italian Job 2?

Two: With a name like Contraband, why does it only remind me of something like Armored?

What’s that? I haven’t reviewed Armored yet? Then never mind. But still. The trailers made it look like some heist movie, similar to point 1. More so just a smuggling movie, and very little stealing going on.

That is real counterfeit money right there.

Mark Wahlberg doesn’t do crime anymore guys. He is clean. But…when his relative gets in some shit with a local thug, he has to do another run. Smuggling is a dangerous situation. If the US Customs office checks the items you have to dump it and usually the sides are okay. But this crazy asshole, Giovanni Ribisi, doesn’t play games like that. He wants the money or the cocaine within two weeks or else his family will pay. Marky Mark doesn’t like that when he is married to Kate Beckinsale, so he agrees to go get the money.

But first, he leaves his friend and former illegal trafficker buddy Ben Foster, to watch over his wife and family.

So he has to get a crew back together, and get on a ship to Panama, captained by germaphobe J.K. Simmons. They mess up some stuff to get themselves time, to try and transport counterfeit money. But thanks to a lack of trust at home and other shit going down, they also have to help another heist happen and possibly take on cocaine and some other merchandise too. But if the customs gets involved again, can they risk dumping the cargo a second time while their loved ones are at home alone?

Never trust a thug who also looks like a rapist.

Ben Fosters character may not be as buddy buddy as you had assumed. But I doubt you assumed that. Look at him. LOOK AT HIM. He is never a straight shooting guy. Not even in X-Men The Last Stand.

I overall found it decently entertaining. About halfway through it I thought I was almost done with the movie though, didn’t expect to have “That much more” “plot” left to it. Mostly a lot of deception. Normally bad people get killed, but in this movies case, they all pretty much get arrested in separate ways.

I don’t like how unrealistic certain things were, such as Kate’s character. She got hit in the head so damn often, and its like nothing phased her. Must have a plate there. I definitely thought certain characters should have been dead, but “somehow” they weren’t and just unconscious or some bullshit.

I will give props to Giovanni Ribisi. Normally thugs are all tough guy, smack you around. But he is small and weaselly, and gave a different element to his fear mongering. I enjoyed that part the most.

Before I review this, it might be important to remember that I am not a “real critic”. The ratings are all based on how much I liked the movie, so everythin I give is opinions.

Always good to give that reminder, before I clumsily explain why I didn’t like Public Enemies.

Short answer? I found it boring.

I am going to explain the plot probably badly too. My bad, but ehh. Whats to say really?

It is also kind of about the birth of the FBI (a lot like J. Edgar was). Melvin Purvis (Christian Bale) is kicking some ass in the FBI, using finger printing and stuff. He took down Pretty Boy Floyd (Channing Tatum) afterall. So he gets a promotion and is supposed to take down John Dillinger (Johnny Depp) in the first ever America War on Crime. Have to get these Gangsters, damn it.

The movie is biographical too, I guess. But Dillinger does get caught and subsequently escapes. He goes on lots of bank robberies with some of his boys, including Baby Face Nelson (Stephen Graham) and Homer Van Meter (Stephen Dorff).

He also gets the fancy of a girl (Marion Cotillard). But yeah. Bank robberies, some possible betrayal, and the eventual catching of John Dillinger.

Bitches love Johnny Depp.

I am not really sure why I put “short answer” as my caption below the first picture. It is about as long as my real answer. I just found this movie boring. Really boring. I started to watch it probably last October or so, but after 30 minutes, had stopped it and figured I would never try again. Same thing happened to me with The Fountain.

But this time, I thought it would be different. I had a nice night when nothing else was going on, plenty of free time. Turned off the distractions. And watched it all. And was just bored. It just did not interest me in the slightest. I have both seasons of Boardwalk Empire, and I want to watch it, but just…gangsters apparently hold zero appeal to me.

I guess that’s all I really have to say? Well acted, sure. But I don’t want to ever see it again.

Again, a movie with a thousand tags. But I will explain it very simply for you so that is all makes sense. The plot of Away We Go it turns out is pretty damn simple to understand. More time for analysis (if I choose). Hooray!

It’s about love. And finding your love’s vagina.

John Krasinski and Maya Rudolph are an unmarried couple, but guess what, they are having a baby. She doesn’t want to get married, but still truly believes they will be together forever. They had moved to be closer to John’s parents (Jeff Daniels and Catherine O’Hara) to have some sort of relative in the babies life, since her parents are dead.

But when she is 6 months in, they find out they are moving to Belgium. For two years. Making their living arrangements kind of pointless. Afraid that their lives are fucked up and bad, they agree to go on a mini vacation to different parts of the country to visit their other family memmbers and friends, to see if they would be good places to live.

First to Arizona, to see Maya’s old boss and her husband / family (Allison Janney and Jim Gaffigan) who seem to be drunk a lot, and not too happy with life, and her sister. Then to Madison, for a job interview, where they also meet John’s cousin and husband (Maggie Gyllenhaal and Josh Hamilton), who are way too extreme on the hippy side.

Then to Montreal, to visit their mutual friends (Melanie Lynskey and Chris Messina), who have adopted many children, due to the unfortunate nature of Melanie’s ability to have a child (multiple miscarriages). Finally, a trip to Miami, to visit John’s brother (Paul Schneider) and help him out of a bad situation.

The whole time they are traveling they are dealing with their own problems, and wondering about their own inadequacies. And by both of them, I mean Maya. Because John is way too swell of a person, and optimistic, he is constantly making things better, all while looking like a hipster.

Exhibit A.

Their final destination choice I will let remain a mystery. Because fuck you, that’s why.

I thought the movie was pretty enjoyable. I laughed a lot more than I expected, thinking it would be a lot more heavily drama-nated. But man, there was many great scenes, and it all felt incredibly real. Hopefully their love in this fictional universe of the movie carries on after the birth and throughout their whole life. You are given a nice feeling that they have found true peace and happiness with their decisions, and everything will work out for the best.

Also, a lot of vagina talk.

Another Biased review? Probably.

I actually thought Goon would be pretty stupid though. (Another thought that biased this review). But I mean, its a hockey movie. Of course I am going to watch it. It is “based on true events” too, apparently, or at least the life of Doug Smith. For those that don’t know, a “Goon” on a hockey team is a player who doesn’t play much, is there to protect the star players, and fight when necessary. Often considered to be the worst kind of role, and one that is being mostly phased out by players who can actually skate and score.

Also it comes with the possibility for injuries.

Doug Glatt (Seann William Scott) is a bouncer, and not a very smart man. His family is, and his brother is gay! But at a local hockey game, when him and his friend (Jay Baruchel, radio talk show host) are harassing a guy who just went to the penalty box, the guy gets mad and comes into the audience to fight back. When Glatt punches him out, he makes local headlines, and even gets a call from the minor team coach (Kim Coates) to come for a tryout.

Because he can kick some ass, and not feel too much pain, he gets a spot. Skating can come later. After all, the team at that point is 1-9 in the season. So why not? Well his first game he kicks some guys ass. Then the next game. But he makes some mistakes like not returning to the bench and letting the other team score. But he is trying hard and a nice guy.

On the team they also have veteran captain who is only good for pre game speeches (Richard Clarkin), the talented should be NHLer who got concussed and has never been the same (Marc-Andre Grondin). Eventually Glatt learns to skate and play better, becoming the heart of his team as they try and make the playoffs.

Also theres the plot of him finding “True love” with Alison Pill, who sleeps around a lot and is terrible for him, but he really likes. Not to mention the actual “tough guy” in their sport, who is retiring soon, and he probably will have to fight in the last game of the season, Ross Rhea (Liev Schrieber).

You don’t want to fuck with someone with that sort of facial hair.

Turns out, I really loved this movie. It was funny when it needed to be. But even more so it was kind of sweet, and mostly intense.

Every time he was on the ice, something crazy was going to happen. Whether it be a fight, a bad play, an unlikely goal, what have you. There was a good chance SOMEONE was about to be in a lot of pain, most notably the last two games he played in the movie. I cringed and yelled at what occurred, even covering my face, but I was loving it at the same time.

Sean William Scott is used to playing various levels of the “idiot” role, and I first noted that they weren’t at all identical in the movie American Loser. Well this is definitely another layer of that. Because this character is no where close to being an asshole, and it is easy to see how most people would love to just know a person like him, loyal and shit. Willing to punch someone else in the face for you. Almost like a bit of Forrest Gump, if you know, Forrest Gump was just a bit more violent.

I didn’t mean to watch this movie today, but when I was halfway to work I realized I didn’t bring any of the three I had meant to watch. So I had a quick “Oh no! Boredom!” moment, but thankfully I do have access to someone’s netflix. I went randomly through my list of movies I own that I didn’t watch and Flakes was on instant stream.

Problem solved. But if I was cooler, I’d have found a movie I don’t own and haven’t seen. My bad!

But as it stands, my ability to slack is over my ability to be efficient.

Speaking of slackers, this is another movie about a slacker. I feel like that’s all I watch now. Neal (Aaron Stanford) is going no where with life. He has a hot girlfriend in Zooey Deschanel though. But he is the manager and main worker at a store called Flakes, which is like a bar, but instead of alcohol they server cereal, all day every day. Such a wide selection too, and some rare cereals. Can add fruit if you want, and change up the milk kind. Pretty rad idea. But not the biggest money maker.

But when some suit (Keir O’Donnell) opens up a shop next door, with a similar name and same concept, just MORE, it could mean trouble. Especially since thanks to fights and not hiring Zooey, she goes to work with the new store. After all, if she can shut down the origial Flakes, her boyfriend can finally stop wasting all his time, and finish his damn album.

The movie is basically the battle of the cereal shops, in New Orleans. Christopher Lloyd plays the seemingly crazy owner of the business, and Frank Wood a very dedicated customer who also can find hard to find / discontinued cereals.

MOAR CEREAL

For whatever reason, I found this movie quite enjoyable. Not the most compelling tale at all, something probably done many times before, and even a bit too slow paced, but I thought it all worked given the circumstances. My plotline sets it up for a different type of movie. Sure they battle at the beginning. Business tactics, but mostly apathy and assume their side will win. Well the wrong side wins about halfway through the movie, leaving our “heroes” jobless from their own pseudo-creation.

So we get to see them try other jobs and going to their conquerors, and seeing if a lack of Flakes really changes their outlook at all.

Sometimes you need a story that has a happy ending, even if it comes through unconventional ways.

I bought The Good Night because of the cover. It was dramatic enough to make me intrigued. Definitely followed a formulaic approach though.

Look at them. All on the sides. Looking at us. Looking for love.

Turns out this is a movie about lucid dreaming. So that’s what the title is about! Sleeping and dreams. Because that shit happens at night.

Martin Freeman is “happily” married to his wife, Gwyneth Paltrow. And by happily, I of course mean stale. He is also having problems sleeping, in that they seem way too real to him making him wake up a lot.

He continues to see this vision of a girl (Penelope Cruz) who he can understand perfectly even when she doesn’t speak. But he never finishes these dreams before the good stuff happens, so he wants to figure out how to control his dreams. He ends up meeting Danny DeVito‘s character, an expert on Lucid dreaming and begins to take control of the dreams. But not enough, he still sometimes encounters dream monsters, which usually take the form of a group of Brazilian men.

This obsession with his sleep and his inability to get enough of it drives a wedge in his marriage. Doesn’t help that his best friend, Simon Pegg, is going through a divorce at the same time. Makes breaking up seem like a natural thing.

Oh yeah, and he has found the real woman who has hijacked his dreams. Turns out she is a famous model, and he probably saw her in a magazine before. So yeah.

Will he let his dreams conquer his real life (and love life)? And can the literal woman of his dreams live up to her hype?

There isn’t really many good action shots to pick from for this picture. So here is something even better, Devito in a bed.

I will label this as another just weird and different movie. When dealing with dreams, you unfortunately get the main character dreaming a lot. When you are in a dream, weird things can happen, and you might not know you are in a dream. So things tended to happen unexpectedly, and honestly, I am not sure if half the things in the movie happened, that I think happened.

There was one moment near the end where I kind of screamed a bit, just because it definitely was unexpected. And it was real at the same time. The ending overall is kind of sad, yet sweet at the same time. Appropriate, and horrible. Gave it a neat package without being expected.

But the ending was also better than the middle and beginning, unfortunately. Where I found myself bored a lot. But hey, points for originality and a nice ending.

Barry Munday is not played by Jason Sudeikis.

No he is played by Patrick Wilson.

That is the first thing I noticed about the film. Just saying, the cover made it look very Sudeikis-ish. But thats all my fault anyways.

Remember. Patrick Wilson, not Jason Sudeikis.

Clearly I didn’t look hard enough. At all.

Barry Munday is some sort of pervert. He loves sex and the ladies, has a girlfriend, but cheats on her. Doesn’t like her anyways. So he hits on women constantly. Unfortunately, when he hits on one (maybe too young) girl in a movie theater (played by Mae Whitman, from Parenthood), the dad walkins in with a trumpet, all mad, and smashes his testicles.

Now all of his desires he once had in his life are gone. He can still have sex, sure, he isn’t packing any bullets, and it all seems a bit more pointless now. Worse is he has no idea how to tell anyone. But then he gets a letter from a lawyer, saying a woman he slept with months ago is now pregnant, and he is the father.

But he doesn’t remember ever sleeping with her. Ginger (Judy Greer) is an unfortunate looking woman, but overcome with the realization that he can no longer continue the Munday line, he realizes this birth is a miracle, and he has to change his lifestyle around to match the new circumstances.

But he also has to deal with her angry father (Malcolm McDowell\), her slutty sister (Chloe Sevigny), and help his boss land a big new deal (Billy Dee Williams).

Sexy time!

So wait a minute. Patrick Wilson played a sex crazed slacker, who lost hits nuts, and tries to become a family man with his last chance at a child? I still don’t get why that isn’t Jason Sudeikis.

Definitely not a normal laugh out loud comedy, a more awkward based one, but still decent. Somehow I found it heartfelt, you know, despite being such a horrible concept. Definitely hard to explain. I enjoyed it, but you know, didn’t love it.

I did find Greer’s character annoying. But again, that was the goal. She was just a sheltered individual, who was now pregnant. Hated that shit.

You have to be in a very specific mood to watch this movie. A nice chill mood.