Month: January 2017

What the world needs now is a strong female role model to look up to. Someone who is breaking grounds, doing what she wants, and kicking ass all at the same time.

What the world needs now is Aisholpan Nurgaiv. AKA The Eagle Huntress. AKA our new rallying cry.

The Eagle Huntress takes us to Mongolia, in the smaller villages and in the mountains, where natives have lived there for thousands of years. And that is where the great tradition of hunting foxes with trained eagles has been thriving for a very long time.

These proud and noble hunters are few and far in between, normally passing on the skills from father to son. Not everyone can hunt with eagles. It takes time, patience, and of course, being taught. Most people are farmers, or regular hunters, or people with real goddamn jobs.

And Aisholpah is the oldest child in her family, where her father, Rys Nurgaiv, is an eagle hunter. She has always been fascinated by the eagles and has helped raise a few with her dad. But now she is coming of age, she is 13, and she wants an Eagle of her own. She wants to train it, to hunt with it, and to enter competitions with it.

Spoilers

But of course, in her part of the world, everyone is very conservative. The “village elders” in there are shown to be very against the idea of a GIRL becoming a Hunter. Women are weak and frail. Women need to be farming and cooking. Women cannot handle the eagle or handle the cold. And all of that. They were all shown to be quite angry basically. It is great that Aisholpan lives in such a progressive for the area family.

And yeah, they say screw you. Aisholpan gets her own baby eagle with the help of her dad. She trains the eagle. She goes to competitions. And she goes on hunts with it. Not just women power. Power in goddamn general.

The documentary is narrated by Daisy Ridley, who is also the executive producer, and putting her Star Wars fame to good use right away.

I was awed by some of the scenes, wondering how they could get such great shots in the cold wintry mountains of Mongolia. Eagles taking flight, fighting with foxes. And shit, when she stole the eagle babies? That was downright terrifying and exciting all at the same time.

This documentary does what documentaries really need to start doing again. Telling a great story around the world for people to learn from and for us to get inspired by. If Aisholpan can fight the patriarchy all on her own, what can you do in your own first world home? If Aisholpan can achieve her dreams at such a young age, then why are you still on Reddit?

Go out and do awesome things. It is what Aisholpan would want of you.

And as of this movie, one of my goals is to get one of those super sweet fox pelt outfits that the hunters get. So goddamn sexy, if not warm.

3 out of 4.

I am so disappointed in myself for taking so long to see Deepwater Horizon. I am a goddamn geophysicist. And teacher. And movie reviewer. But geophysicist first.

And you know what? The BP oil spill in the Gulf was bad, it was terrible, but at the same time, certain aspects were completely overblown, public opinion was driven from emotions and not from science, and blame was thrown around all over the place.

But reality isn’t simple, a lot of people were involved, and a lot of processes and safe guards went wrong or were ignored to allow it to happen. And yeah, it sucked. But still, it happened only six years ago and doesn’t seem like the type of film to warrant a movie at all. Some shit went wrong, and some environment got fucked up.

Are they going to celebrate it? Fear monger it? What is the message? These are the questions I will ask myself and why I want to even see the movie.

I can confirm from my many years as an alive person that this is indeed a drill.

The day began like every other day for Mike Williams (Mark Wahlberg). Hours of passionate love making with his wife (Kate Hudson) and sausages for breakfast.

Just kidding, he woke up, talked to his kid, heard a report on oil drilling, then left to go to his job for the next three weeks. He is on a crew on the Deepwater Horizon which is working on a borehole in the Gulf of Mexico. His boss is Jimmy Harrell (Kurt Russell), head of safety supervisor guy, and he is angry when they land, as the Schlumberger crew is apparently heading home early. They didn’t do all the safety tests!

Apparently because they are behind schedule, BP is getting impatient, and the people they sent to check things out (John Malkovich and James DuMont) are getting antsy. Needless to say, things get rushed, bad things happen, and a few people die in the process.

Also featuring Jason Pine, Jason Kirkpatrick, Gina Rodriguez, Ethan Suplee, David Maldonado, Dylan O’Brien, Douglas M. Griffin, and Brad Leland.

Not to mention they get about 10% more dirty than normal.

It turns out that this movie had a few things they wanted to cover. That people died during this accident, and to honor them with this film. Also that the main crews who were working were not to blame and the entire thing is BP’s fault.

And there is where some of the major fault for this film lands. It is hard to not have biases against films based on real life, and this one decides to run with the bias that the average American has taken. It is not using the film to right wrongs or tell actual true events. It is just telling us events based on what people want to hear.

Unfortunately, those biases cannot get out of my head and the film ends up taking a ding for that.

On its own, the first half of the film is interesting enough. The beginning is a bit corny, but the lead up to the events, the characters, they felt like a bunch of real people not just potential victims. They had their own voices. It is what really helps sell the whole film.

Things start to fall apart in the film when things start to fall apart. The explosions, the saving, the pain, the people jumping into the sea and the rescue? They all just felt like noise, like filler. Given how recent the events were it felt like the film was almost celebrating the disaster by making it take half of the film.

Deepwater Horizon is a strange event to make a movie about, has its moments, but also has its biases and excessive flair.

2 out of 4.

This is a review of Gold, Jerry! Gold!

Gold is another film that sort of came out of nowhere for me. I might have heard about it once, but I never saw a trailer. The first real moment acknowledging its existence was when it went and got nominated for a Golden Globe award!

Not like, a really good one. Just Best Song, for a song named Gold in the movie Gold. And that on its own didn’t really matter, because everyone knew La La Land would crush that category, guaranteed.

But hey, I watched it anyways. Maybe it would secretly be great, since it is one of those 2016 films that decides to come out awkwardly in January 2017 for most of the American public.

Must have been some time zone confusion, what with them in an Asian jungle and all.

Technically Gold is inspired by a true story. I say that, because it isn’t at all like the true story. It is the idea of the true story, some parts true, but basically everything changed with some extra story in order to create a bigger complete story. Or at least that is what they want you to believe.

The film is about Kenny Wells (Matthew McConaughey), a man who runs a business about buying up land for its potential of minerals and selling it once they can confirm the minerals are there. His dad (Craig T. Nelson) started it, but after he suddenly passed, the last seven years Kenny has been bringing it down. Heck, the workers now basically make calls and sales over the phone in a bar now. His wife (Bryce Dallas Howard) has been keeping them afloat with her own job, not leaving him despite the promises of an amazing life.

Kenny is down to his last dollars. And he wants to bet it all on a hunch. He wants to talk to Michael Acosta (Edgar Ramirez), a famed geologist who found an incredibly big copper find. But since then, people still have not trusted his different way of thinking. They want to work together, to go to Indonesia, where Acosta believes they could find the biggest gold mine ever.

And when the results eventually start coming in, thinks start to sky rocket. But can their sudden success and amazing luck really all just be good news?

Also staring Toby Kebbell, Rachael Taylor, Bruce Greenwood, Corey Stoll, Bill Camp, and Stacy Keach.

They took beauty and the beast to a whole new level here.

(Potential spoilers)

Gold has the potential of being a really great film. But what they needed to do was try to take away the big twist in the latter half and spread it out more throughout the film. Because for the most part, this just feels like a rags to riches story. It has some set backs, they overcome it, some set backs, they overcome. And some back and forth business stuff.

But when we finally learn the twist officially, the whole thing feels sort of awkward. We aren’t given enough time to process it, and seeing more of the fallout from said twist would be a lot more entertaining and important than some of the minute details they put into getting the land and making sure they could secure it for a mine. The subplots kill the film and take away focus. Because damn it, the twist and scam IS the focus.

We only get the smallest of bits that it might be a scam for those going in blind based on eventually an FBI agent talking to Kenny, and realizing that Kenny is telling the story of the film. If the goal of the film is to tell the true-ish story of a real life scam, it is just odd to hide the fact that there even is a scam throughout most of the film.

It is just pulled in too many directions, where not enough of the pull is in the correct direction. The acting is fine, McConaughey looks disgusting, and there is a lot more geology in this film than I would have expected. But that alone is not enough for me to like it.

2 out of 4.

I’m Not Ashamed is likely not a movie you have heard about. If it wasn’t for this review, you would have never seen it or heard about it and your life would never be changed.

But I am here to change lives.

To be fair, I have only heard about this movie thanks to seeing a trailer for it in theaters. That’s right. Remember God’s Not Dead 2? A real movie in real theaters. It had real trailers, a lot of them religious ones, and this movie that came out in October.

From the trailer alone, I knew I would hate it, but knew I had to see it. I just had to wait until it was on VOD in January 2017, because I was not going to sit through another preachy religious film in the theaters in the same year.

Wanna know why I know she is religious?

17 years ago, we had Columbine, at the time the worst school shooting ever. Two guys went to their school, had bombs, shot up people in a library and then killed themselves. Since then, very little has changed when it comes to guns or mental health reform in America. School shootings still happen, people still get bullied, and parents still exploit their children for monetary gain.

Wait what?

This story is about Rachel Joy Scott (Masey McLain), who was actually the first one killed in the Columbine shootings. She was also a Christian, and according to people, she must have been killed for that reason. No no no. This is not Cassie Bernall, the one who died and the parents wrote She Said Yes and exploited her with many more books after it. This is a different person who died because of Christianity in the same shooting.

Sorry, getting off of movie topic here. This is basically about the last year an a half of her life. She grew up religious, but lost it, then gained it again, went hardcore with it, a boyfriend cheated on her, she lost her friends, started to turn things around, then got killed. Ah yes, what a happy last year and a half.

Starring Ben Davies as the homeless kind of guy who became her protective big brother, Cameron McKendry as the guy who broke her heart, Victoria Staley, Taylor Kalupa, and Emma Elle Roberts as her friends, Terri Minton as the mom, Mark Daugherty and Sadie Robertson as who knows what, and of course David Errigo Jr. and Cory Chapman as our shooters.

Which we get to see over and over again in their secret lair planning to kill the believers.

This film insults me on a personal level. This film should be insulting to everyone really, and you don’t even have to see it.

First of all, the entire thing is based on a lie. The girl as not killed for her faith. She wasn’t asked about Jesus before she was shot. She was just in the lawn when they started and they didn’t stop to chat along the way. But grief takes many forms, and the parents used their child’s death to try and inspire others. I cannot imagine losing a child so I don’t want to harp too much on it, but what in the fuck is wrong with them?

Most of the film is Rachel going in and out of Christianity. When she goes in, she goes in hardcore, but when she doesn’t she quits just as hard it seems. It makes her lose friends, a guy who wanted her for sex, and the other just…strange things. Overall, the story itself is a poor one literally. If they are going to make up some parts, they should have really spruced up this last year.

The goal is to portray Rachel as some sort of Martyr for Christianity, but it is a strange story because on its own it would convince anyone that they should become Christian. Because it makes being a Christian look like a terrible burden and everyone will hate you for it.

But really, the biggest issue about all of this? The extra scenes they add in of the shooters at their home or in the lunchroom. They make it seem like the reason Columbine happened was because one of the two kids was picked on by bullies on the first day, and then he immediately wanted to shoot up the school and spent all year planning for it. Not a slow build up, just immediate anger and thoughts of shooting everyone.

And in these scenes at home they go from true story to just “fuck you, this is our story” and putting words in their mouths. It is just disgusting in my mind. I am not anyway saying they are great people, but they definitely don’t deserve to be turned into some Christian film bad guy B movie villain. It is disrespectful to the reality, it is disrespectful to Rachel’s actual existence, and it is disrespectful to the school and students who were immediately affected by the tragedy.

Recent tragedies don’t need films made about them, but they certainly don’t need terrible films made either.

0 out of 4.

Oh hey look, a Nicholas Sparks film. There have been ten of these before The Choice, and most people would start to wonder if he has any originality left in the tank.

Every single one of them are about romance. Most of them are about a death or a tragedy and bringing the unlikely couple together. Some of them do feature twists and interesting angles I have never considered. I still like The Notebook and I thought Dear John was quite clever, but still not living up to its potential.

And I didn’t see The Choice when it came out to theaters. I didn’t even see it when it hit DVD. His 11th attempt at a movie didn’t even try to advertise itself that much. Were there posters? Were there trailers? Is there another of his movies coming out this year?

I have no idea, they sort of just show up and we have to accept them.

Look at the happy couple. I wonder what Sparks will do to fuck it all up.

Gabby (Teresa Palmer) is a medical student, living with her dog, in the most romantic place in the world, Wilmington, NC. She has her own small place, despite being seriously involved with her boyfriend, Ryan (Tom Welling). Ryan is already a doctor, Gabby needs to still pass her exams, so she picks a quiet place to be alone to study without distractions.

Until she finds out her neighbor is playboy Travis (Benjamin Walker). He likes to party, sleep around, has a pseudo girlfriend (Alexandra Daddario), and he loves to blast his music at night.

And then Gabby’s dog gets pregnant, so she blames it on Travis’ dog. She goes to the vet angry and hey look, Travis works there, a vet himself, son of the head vet (Tom Wilkinson). And Travis’ dog is fixed! Oh ho ho, how silly.

Anyways, needless to say, they both fall in love, ruin each others relationships, and despite the starting of their relationship being over 2/3 of the film, none of what I said involves the titular Choice and it will just eventually show up. Also starring Maggie Grace!

Cold beer. Red shorts. Lazy dog. This man loves to party!

The Choice ends up being like a lot of Sparks stories, except somehow feeling overall trashier and dumber than most.

First of all, one of our two characters is in a committed relationship. He might not 100% entirely get her needs, but she is the one who starts fooling around with our main guy, with her boyfriend away for business reasons. In fact even after this, she still gets engaged to her boyfriend. So Gabby doesn’t really feel like a great gal. And Travis doesn’t look or seem to fit the charm that people say about him in this film. I don’t see it, and I can fully admit to understanding the charm of charismatic men.

Their chemistry isn’t super apparent either, so they have to hide it behind montages. And once again, the main crux of the movie, what is the choice and why, doesn’t happen until way late late late into the film. So much of the film is about their initial meeting and relationship (Sparks’ bread and butter), they have to rush the prequel to the choice into another montage showing them getting married and having kids.

Now this choice has no emotional context for us. It is jarring seeing them older (while looking identical of course), but suddenly kids. And of course “The Choice” ISN’T A FUCKING CHOICE AT ALL. He doesn’t make a choice, he keeps things the same as they were, and of fucking course he would. They hype up this god damn choice, so when it happens, I was just sitting there annoyed because it offered no additional tension.

This movie needed to take place with them already married with a family. Throw in some SMALL flashbacks if you want to show how they met, but let us really get to see them being in love and how their lives are before anything bad can effect it. But then Sparks couldn’t have enough romance in it.

This is a romance film that they didn’t know how to make different or tragic. The last act feels stapled on, isn’t heartfelt, and the whole thing becomes a waste of time.

0 out of 4.

Michael Keaton has been on fire. Not actual fire, but his comeback has been great. Better than Matthew McConaughey‘s come back!

In 2014 he almost won Best Actor fir Birdman, but lost to Eddie Redmayne for The Theory of Everything. But hey, Birdman won best picture.

In 2015 he was probably hoping to get nominated for Best Actor for Spotlight, however he didn’t get the nomination despite doing really good. But hey, Spotlight won best picture.

So what about this year? He is the lead in a movie again, The Founder. Knowing nothing about it, I knew it was suddenly a contender for The Founder. Could he be the lead in the Best Picture film three years in a row? That has to be a record on its own. Or you know, he won’t and this is the beginning of the end of his come back.

At least the praise in the movie seems genuine!

Ray Kroc (Michael Keaton) is a salesman at heart. He finds an idea he likes and runs with it, hoping to make a living out of it. His current item is a shake mixer that can do five shakes at a time, so he is traveling around the US, making money to put a roof over his wife’s (Laura Dern) head.

But he gets a strange order. A restaurant in California wants to buy SIX of these milkshake machines. So he drives over there to give it a gander. It is a small place, run by Dick (Nick Offerman) and Mac (John Carroll Lynch) McDonald. It is called McDonalds. They have a line around the block, but it goes fast. They don’t have carhops, people have to come to the door. And the food is instant. People are waiting about 30 seconds for their food, it is cheap, it comes in paper so they can throw away their trash themselves. They can eat it on benches, in the car, at the park, wherever. And the line just moves so damn fast.

So Kroc takes the brothers out to learn how and why. Turns out they made the system themselves, took a lot of practice, and developed a system where quality is awesome, everyone is working and churning out food that the people end up ordering. Genius! But no, they don’t want to franchise.

Kroc wears them down, eventually getting a contract between them, that will let him set up McDonald’s restaurants around the US. He has to promise to maintain quality, to not let them make their own food choices, and every change has to go through them. But hey, it is a start. And when Kroc begins to churn out their restaurants, complete with the brothers idea of Golden Arches, people can’t seem to get enough of them. And that is when the power dynamic starts to change.

Also featuring Linda Cardellini, B.J. Novak, Justin Randell Brooke, Kate Kneeland, and Patrick Wilson.

I really wish one or both of the McDonald brothers had a mustache.

The Founder begins with Kroc trying to sell a milkshake machine to reluctant buyer. Except he is staring right at the camera, looking right at the viewer, into your soul, as he monologues. And it is a wonderful introduction to his character. He doesn’t feel like the most conniving individual, but he feels like a real salesman.

The Founder tells an interesting story that becomes easily relatable to most viewers. Everyone has eaten at a McDonald’s, everyone knows what they are like and has seen them evolve over the years. But it turns out they started as something more wholesome, like most things in the middle of the 1900’s. The scene where the brother’s tell their story is fascinating and one of the highlights of the movie.

Unfortunately, after that, it didn’t maintain its high level of enthusiasm. Once Kroc was able to get franchises off the ground, there were some problems, some successes, some shitty moments, some great moments. And despite being the protagonist, Kroc is definitely a jerk. And at times, so are the McDonald brothers. But the story isn’t one that had me at the edge of my seat like I had hoped.

In terms of his last two films, Keaton might still act well, but the film just isn’t the same caliber. Still a good movie, sure, but the second half just feels unimpressive compared to the first. This is not the film that will finally get Keaton his Best Actor Oscar, although I see the potential of nomination. Next year he will be in Spider-Man: Homecoming (which won’t win him anything), and something called American Assassin which I guess will be his next big hope.

3 out of 4.

Guess what? I liked The Visit. It creeped me out a bit, had some humor, but overall was a good balance and a decent story. It had a twist, but didn’t really make or break the movie on the twist, so it didn’t get hated for it either.

And that is what M. Night needed to do. He needed to take the twists focus away from his film, because they lived and died by how good the twist became. He can still do twists, but he had to make sure he had a great film regardless of twist.

I was looking forward to see Split. I didn’t see any trailer, any synopsis, just a director and the main actor in a poster. I was excited because I wanted to believe.

I was excited to see M. Night finally kick some ass again.

I was basically as giddy as a school girl, like this little boy here!

Casey Cooke (Anya Taylor-Joy) is your regular, average, teenage girl. Well, except she has black hair, so that makes her moody. She goes to detention a lot, has unreliable parenting, has run away before and is a person who likes to keep to herself. But she was invited to a classmate’s party, because it would be weird to invite everyone BUT her. After everyone else had left, Casey’s ride isn’t there, so she gets a ride home with the birthday girl, (Haley Lu Richardson), her other friend (Jessica Sula), and the dad.

But the dad doesn’t get in the driver’s seat. Next thing the girls know, they wake up in a locked room underground, and this creepy guy, Dennis (James McAvoy) is talking strangely and threatening them. There is talk about…a beast?

Long story short, turns out that Dennis is more than Dennis. He is Patricia. He is Hedwig. He has 23 different personalities. He has been mostly non threatening, sees a shrink (Betty Buckley) and everything, but it looks like some of his personalities have taken over and have other plans. The girls are going to have to work with their kidnapper if they hope to escape their kidnapper.

Also featuring some flashbacks with young Casey (Izzie Coffey) and her dad (Sebastian Arcelus) and uncle (Brad William Henke) out hunting.

Dennis is super cereal all the time, and also enjoys young girls dancing for him. Your average joe.

I ended up really enjoying Split. Like, like liking Split. It just shocked the hell out of me.

First of all, it is a very strange movie. I am not going to say that it is accurate scientifically or anything, but based on the universe M. Night created, it totally fits and is plausible. But it is still very weird, while keeping the aura of mystery and thrills, all wrapped up in a psychotic bow.

A lot of cool things happen along the way thanks to the story, but in all honesty it is just McAvoy and Taylor-Joy carrying it. The other two girls are forgettable characters because they are to the side. The psychiatrist is interesting, but not the best. The flashbacks serve a purpose, but don’t end too shockingly. But McAvoy playing the many different roles pulls it off flawlessly. He saw what Tom Hardy did in Legend and thought he would try and 22 up it.

I have now seen Taylor-Joy in only two films, The Witch being the other one, and it amazes me how well she plays a struggling but capable female victim lead. Her roles have not been screaming girl who somehow survives, they have depth to them, fears, and presence.

Split delivered something I hope to see in every movie I watch. It gave me something unique. It gave me a film full of its own mythos. It gave me performances I want to see again and again. And it gave me hope. Not hope for mankind or anything. But just hope in films, because when the credits rolled, I found myself even giddier than when I originally walked to my seat.

4 out of 4.

Welcome back to another roaring year of shit film! I pride myself in looking for the worst of the worst, not just the best films. Someone has to watch the terrible movies, and it might as well be me.

As a note, I didn’t get to see everything last year. I never saw Bad Santa 2, Why Him?, Bridget Jones’s Baby, and Dead 7.

(DIS)HONORABLE MENTIONS
Not a great list. The Final Project was a small film no one saw (thankfully), The Boss was a film too many people saw, When The Bough Breaks wasn’t sexy enough for this list, and Sharknado 4 because I am fucking tired of writing about Sharknado movies.

15) The Sea of Trees

Hey I got a good idea. Let’s take a serious subject and make a serious movie about it. Let’s make it about suicide, depression, losing your loved ones, but maybe a little hope in there as well.

All of that does sound good. But The Sea of Trees turned its serious contender into a boring turd. It fits into the drama category but it suffocates the viewer with bad symbolism and a terrible plot. It is so bad that a horror film about the same place ended up better somehow.

14) The Brother’s Grimsby

Look, I’m a guy that can handle crude humor. But crude humor can still help the plot, have a point, or at least also be a bit funny. In The Brother’s Grimsby, we are given several repulsive scenes with zero payout. A film that must have been created solely for the scenes in question with the plot coming maybe in third place.

Cohen can be a great actor and he can also be infuriating. What is sad is that this isn’t the only film he stars in on this list, but the other film he is the only great part in it.

13) Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

Some book to film adaptations are so bad they make you want to stop the movie halfway through and read the book again in protest. Or at least to remind yourself that the book is decent.

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies is amazing in that it is not only trrrible, but just like the book, you will find yourself wanting to stop both of them early on and just go back the original source material. This movie is a tad bit better than the book in that it at least flows nicely together, where the book features the worst cut and paste jobs in modern fiction writing.

12) Nina

Nina Simone is an activist and musician who should be remembered. She did a lot for her community, her race, and for music. She was quite a character too. Unfortunately this movie will do nothing for people who know nothing about her. It will probably just turn them off to her legacy.

Thank you Netflix for releasing What Happened, Miss Simone? It is the only reason I know her. And it is the only thing you should watch about her as of right now.

11) Gods of Egypt

I cannot super hate Gods of Egypt. It is meant to be a campy movie and it definitely goes campy. But I can still be angry with how lame of a story it came up with. It is a film that looks horrible, has a dull plot, and wastes some occasionally good actors. We don’t have a lot of movies involving Egyptian mythology, which is rich and wonderfully diverse, so it is just a bit of a bigger pain when the only morsel we get in forever is just a big shiny piece of shit.

10) Meet The Blacks

Meet the Blacks is a movie no one saw and for good reason. It had little publicity, was barely in the theaters, and has one famous person attached.

But I had it go and see it because I was excited to see it. I generally like The Purge movies so a good parody with some different political angles can totally work. But this film doesn’t work. It isn’t funny. It is argument after argument. It is barely coherent. And I am the one person who saw it who probably felt disappointed as everyone else besides me knew it would suck.

9) God’s Not Dead 2

You know, if you had asked me in April where God’s Not Dead 2 would have landed I would have assumed in the top 3. I am as surprised as you that it is up here at 9! I even got to make a fake review of this film for an April Fool’s Day joke.

But in all honesty it is a bad movie that badly preaches to he choir. It makes bad guys out of nothing and exaggerates everything to 11. It is painful but at least it is easy to make fun of which is why I didn’t have it super low.

8) Ben-Hur

Speaking of religious films (This is technically the third on the list) Ben-Hur is probably the most sacrilegious. You know. Rebooting a masterpiece. Condensing an epic story down an hour an a half and trying to still make it coherent. Replacing well done scenes with CGI and extra action for the Millenials. And again, just shitting over one of the biggest films in cinema history for a quick buck.

I’m not against reboots. I’m against bad movies.

7) Hillary’s America: The Secret History Of The Democratic Party

Hillary’s America: The Secret History of the Democratic Party is the only documentary to make my list, a sequel to the only documentary to make any of my worst lists before this (America: Imagine The World Without Her)!

The director has taken political agenda to the extreme and decided to switch around a few arguments and lie to drive his point home. It is as much about him as it is about he a Democratic Party. The reason it isn’t lower is because it would have done nothing to change the outcome of the election. The only people who saw it who don’t criticize movies for a living are the ones who would have already whole heartedly agreed with it.

6) Knight of Cups

I don’t want to say I hate people but Terrence Malick comes close. I assume he starts shouting a movie with a specific plot in line, then he loses his notes and starts just shooting scenic shots. Later remembering the plot he adds some voice over that vaguely helps tell the story and boom. You too can make elitist filth.

I try really hard with every new film of his to have an open mind. But they are getting more and more out there he just leaves me scratching my head in wonder and resentment. Knight Of Cups is a giant shrug and a instantly forgettable.

5) Nine Lives

Finally the bottom of the bottom, with Nine Lives topping (bottoming?) most worst of the year lists.

This is a few famous people doing very little to get a paycheck. No one has their heart in it. Spacey for the most part just had to record some voice work. It is a 90s film that they tried to make 15 years too late and add nothing new to that terrible abandoned genre. Basically it is the worst film of 2016 about a cat.

4) I’m Not Ashamed

Okay here is the thing. I’m Not Ashamed film you probably hadn’t heard about. But it is really fucked up. It is about Columbine. About a girl shot during the attack and her last year or so alive. It is a religious film and a teenage drama, but the acting is bad, they make a lot of assumptions about the shooters and other students at the school, most of it is most certainly a lie, and it is basically a disgrace to exploit a real national tragedy to make a film this bad. God’s Not Dead 2 had overacting and we could laugh at it. This film will just make you angry at how terrible and unethical the whole thing is.

It is the worst religious film of 2016 and it would have also been the worst Fantast film based on how much it warps the reality of the situation, but the next film on the list took that crown.

3) Alice Through The Looking Glass

There isn’t enough space for me to truly rant about everything wrong with this film. I already did so quite well in my inial review of Alice Through The Looking Glass. By all means read it and let it fill you with hate.

The reason it wasn’t further down is because Cohen was actually great in this film and the only bright spot. But it is in fact the worst fantasy film of the year and should be bought up in droves just to bury in some New Mexico pit somewhere.

2) Norm of the North

Every year there is one animated film that slams itself to the terrible ground and refuses to get a leg up. Before it was Strange Magic. This year Norm of the North. And yes, both did come out in January.

Norm of the North barely has a plot. There is a rough story, but it seems to mostly get in the way of the piss and fart jokes. The animation is poor, the jokes are of the lowest quality, and nothing feels funny. I can’t actually remember a lot of the film anymore thankfully, I just do remember that my four year old turning to me to tell me it was a bad film in the theater.

1) Allegiant

I did not know this would be my number one film, despite watching it in March. If you read my review, I hated it, I hated it a lot, but really, I just assumed it would be somewhere in the middle.

So what changed? What made this film rise to become the cream of the shit? Well, the fallout is one reason. Yes, we are tired of books being split up, but there has never been a break up this terrible. Allegiant has literally KILLED the Divergent movie franchise. They aren’t able to finish the story and have to switch it to a TV movie/show situation, because Allegiant was so bad.

At least the first two films had a plot that was easy enough to follow. They had a lot of holes and confusing aspects, but I got it. Part three? It lets us out in to the world and spends most of the time wasting it and not answering questions. It has situations that don’t make sense, characters not acting like real entities, a waste of talent, a waste of time. And holy fuck, it killed a franchise.

Thanks for reading! If you disagree with part of this list, let me know. If there is something I missed, let me know (but I probably saw it and reviewed it on this very site! Check out my thoughts).

And as always, I accept hate mail via the post office, email, or tweets.

I remember, four years ago, being really excited about the movie Beginners. It had Christopher Plummer, Ewan McGregor, and a good potential story.

But when I finally saw it, I thought it was only okay and a bit disappointed by that fact. I might have liked it more if I was a more mature film watcher though, but who knows, going back and rewatching it just feels like a chore now.

Despite that, I was still surprised to see that the same director, Mike Mills, also directed 20th Century Women, which judging by the trailer seems like such a very different film. Well, obviously one point is that it is mostly about women and not men. It still involves age and growing up as a major theme, and some quirky characters. But still, quite different films.

Needless to say, I needed to watch this movie because I know it will be nominated probably for Best Actress. And because Best Actress films are biased against, it might not be nominated for anything else.

And there are so many women to be the focus of, such a shame. The year is 1979, in Santa Barbara, California, and yes, that is the same place that Psych was supposed to have taken place.

Dorothea (Annette Bening) is a decently modern woman for the time. She is strongly independent, as her husband left her about a decade before. She has a son, Jamie (Lucas Jade Zumann), who is now 15. He is smart, curious, and a free thinker, like she has raised him to be. But she is a bit worried that he has no strong male influence on his life.

Sure, she has had him hang out with men before. In fact, the house they have they rent out to several guests, one of them being a middle aged man (Billy Crudub), who fixes cars and is a handyman. But they have nothing in common, so he is bored when they have to interact.

So she gets the help of two women. One, Abbie (Greta Gerwig), another renter who lives with them, and survivor of cervical cancer. And also Julie (Elle Fanning), a girl slightly older than Jamie who is his best friend, who tends to sleep over in his bed in a completely non sexual way. She wants to have them help teach him about the world. About how to be a good man, even if it is from the women point of view. She cannot see him in the world how he really is, as she is the mom, so she thinks he will listen to them and they have his best interests at heart.

And well, teach them they sure do.

Like the proper way to drug up before your first rave.20th Century Women was a surprising film. Despite the title, I ended up liking it more than I thought I would. Not saying that I don’t like films about women, I just might not get them as much depending on the focus.

First of all, the camera work was really fun in this movie. Every time travel occurred, it was sped up and made colorful (double meaning on the word trip, potentially). Characters were sped up on regular movement between scenes as well, even if just walking. The framing was well done, especially on the Bening/Crudup dance scene. And a decent chunk of the story is told through flashbacks, narrated by various cast members, going over their story on how they got to this point in their lives. It was creative and visually pleasing.

My biggest issue from this film comes mostly from our lead, Bening. The character she plays is kind of shit, and her actions are a bit confusing. She is set up as this strong, modern, free spirited thinking woman. But all of that goes out the door when she sees what other women do, or what her son thinks. Most of the film she seems like a normal conservative lady, unable to deal with the changes in the world. It is so weird and bizarre, and it made me feel nothing for her character.

The side characters all have their charms though. Zumann, Gerwig, Fanning, and Crudup. Those are the people who I think should be nominated come Oscar time. A decent and amusing film otherwise.

3 out of 4.

I almost spent money to see Hillary’s America: The Secret History of the Democratic Party. I almost drove up to a theater this summer to see it. I figured it would be a review I needed on my website, or at least needed before the Election.

But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I knew it was by Dinesh D’Souza, who made America: Imagine The World Without Her. A very biased and terrible documentary that was so grotesque with its misinformation and style that it made my Worst Films of 2014 list. It was so strange to see a documentary that turned into a hit piece against Clinton in 2014.

Because this year having one makes a lot more sense. Needless to say, I went into this documentary with very low expectations and ready to hate it given my experience. Since the last one turned out to just be a big anti-Clinton thing, I didn’t know what this one would even say given his attacks two years ago.

I mean, he couldn’t just make something that said the exact same thing for 100+ minutes right?

You’d be surprised

A lot of this documentary is actually a dramatization about D’Souza’s life. Why? Because he wants to be famous and doesn’t care a lot about this shit. That is my guess. It starts with him going to prison for campaign fraud reasons. He says he went to prison for attacking Obama in a documentary, but doesn’t disagree that what he did is technically illegal. Instead, blaming the president.

In prison he gets to teach English to immigrants. And then he talks to inmates about why they are in jail, including someone who did prison fraud. Again, all of this is reenactment of prison, not actual footage or anything, so who knows what he wanted to make up about it.

About 40 minutes of the documentary are about him in prison, talking to people, and finding out the history of the democratic party. One of his biggest issues is Andrew Jackson, who did bad things to Native American, and calls him a champion for the Democratic Party. Except, you know, most liberal-esque people seem to hate him for the exact same reasons and no one calls him a champion.

Then the documentary says that the big switch after the civil rights movements was a lie. Even though yes, clearly policy has changed. I guess the biggest point about this is that despite current policy of a party in terms of social rights, D’Souza says it doesn’t count, because of Civil Rights votes and Jackson. Yeah.

And then some attacks of Clinton, emails and her foundation. The end. After a grossly patriotic ending, with flags and choruses and an orchestra. He wants them to know he cannot vote because of his crime. Even though the party he is pissed at is the one trying to make it so he can vote. Go figure.

I am an independent voter and I hate shit like this on both sides equally. But for whatever reason D’Souza keeps making bad documentaries, with lies, mostly reenactments, and a lot of hatred. So I will hate it right back.

0 out of 4.