Month: January 2012

Tina Fey has been in a surprisingly low number of shows/movies, based on how famous she is for her work and writing. Seriously, look at that imdb. Weird right?

I only mention that, because when I went to review Date Night, I noticed I hadn’t tagged her really in anything yet, and that is why. There really isn’t anything there! If I ever review Baby Mama, I’d be pretty much done.

Too bad I have loathed everything Amy Poehler has done, outside of Pars and Rec.

Fey and Steve Carell play a married couple with kids. They are super busy, but they still have time to force themselves to go out and eat, to have date nights! Or else their relationship will get stale. But out of fear, from another couple getting divorced, they decide to spice it up, go out to the city (NYC), wear nice clothes, and eat at Claw, a way fancy place. Without reservations. Dumb. But they are sneaky, they steal someone elses table who isn’t answering, and become the Tripplehorns!

I know right. Scum of the earth. Who the fuck takes someone else reservation?

But when two thugs (Jimmi Simpson and Common (I am mad that is his “name”)) come up to them, thinking they are the Tripplehorns, and demanding a flash drive, shit gets real. Then is a night of running from them, from the cops, and trying to figure out what is actually going on. With the the help of Mark Wahlberg as “private investigator sexy man”, and some help from James Franco and Mila Kunis (the real Tripplehorns), can they not die?

Also what the heck is going on here?

But was it good? This movie was about as slapstick as I would guess, but also more. Tina Fey and Steve did a good job together, very believable, and they both have made a career out of being awkward. This movie also features one of the best stunt driving/chase scenes I have probably ever seen in the last few years. Seriously. The car/taxi thing? Brilli-fuckin-ant. Also laughs were had, but it wasn’t enough to make me want to watch it again. Minus the car scene. Holy shit yeah. Ending wasn’t the best either.

Puncture, title alone, sounds everything like a horror movie. This helped lead me to the assumption that only damn horrors were coming out this week. Do not worry though! It is not a horror! But it is based on a true story (and dedicated to the main character).

It also is about Chris Evans being super serious guys.

Chris Evans is, I guess, tired of playing in super hero movies, so he is instead just playing a regular every day hero. He plays Mike Weiss, a ambulance chaser in Texas with his partner, played by Mark Kassen. They are good at getting their clients payments, even if it involves some shady tactics. Evans also loves the drugs and partying. Getting that coke, sex, and what not, while his partner his happily married and more in control of his life.

Eventually they take a case, from Vinessa Shaw, a nurse who was pricked by a needle at work and received aids. So they have to try and go against a hospital, not their easiest target! Along with this, they also take on the case from a crazy man played by Marshall Bell. He invented the “Safety Point”, a one use needle that is impossible for others to get pricked on after the fact. Apparently 800,000 accidental needle sticks happen a year to nurses alone in the US at that time. Obviously something they want a lot, and something they don’t have. The safety point guy claims that the main needle company is having a monopoly on the business, including bribing doctors for business, regardless of how unsafe it is for their workers.

But yeah, fuck all that, this movie is about Chris Evans, trying to do something good and actually noble once in his life, but you know, also being on drugs. It requires a lot to overcome, especially when he tries to get off said drugs. Hard enough that he has to go against smooth talking Brett Cullen who runs the team of lawyers against him. And that no one else wants to even try to help.

So fucking smooth.

So, despite this being a trueish story from the early 2000s, I think a lot was exaggerated. Including the struggle, and the end result. As an indy film made in the guys honor, it was also used to soapbox a lot of needle issues, and aids. One scene with a guy who might have been a conspiracy nut was pretty pointless, but in there just to point out a different issue that they werent actually fighting for.

But besides that, some pretty good acting, and an okay story. Chris Evans does do a good job, but he just had to be a slacker who wanted to do better, so probably easily doable.

Before watching, I had no idea that Don’t Be Afraid Of The Dark was made by Guillermo del Toro, but finding that information out now makes perfect sense. The visua style, the creatures, and the use of a little girl in danger to make a movie.

Pan’s Labyrinth is about a long game of Peek-a-Boo, right?

The story begins sometime long in the past, and it is creepy, so lets ignore that. Bailee Madison is moving into this mansion with her dad, Guy Pearce, and his girlfriend, Katie Holmes. Pace is creepy. Belonged to some past lord a long time ago who did paintings and stuff. They currently have it just to try and sell it to people who love that dead dude. I think I got all of that right

But her room is creepy. She even hears voices. The hidden basement and fireplace is where they come from too, and despite the groundkeepers best wishes, they go down there anyways to check it out. Yeah, then shit eventually starts to go down. More or less, these gremlin/goblin like things (that hate light), used to steal teeth from children and leave money. Or something like that. Also they can turn other people into them, if they do please. So they see Bailee and go balls to the walls nuts. They want her bad. But no one will believe her, since they hide!

And then the horror movie happens. Stuff is creepy, people die, and eventually it concludes. Kind of.

Kind of like rat creatures from Bone.

This is probably the first Horror movie I watched that actually scared me. Most ended up being kind of a joke, or Scream 4, and going for gore over fear. But I am also a self-admitted coward, so who knows, it might be very tame for others. Only thing I would say is that I wish this had more of a story to go with it, and more of a “just them vs the girl” mentality.

There is a very specific narrator voice, for trailers, that is very annoying. I want you to read the next part of the review in that voice.

“Sarah Jessica Parker is a hard working mother! She has a job that requires her to spend a lot of her time, on a moments notice, going other places! Why? Presentations! The most adult-like job that exists in the movies! But she also has two children, and her husband, Greg Kinnear, is about to have a big project at well as work. But if she has to go to NYC to get seduced by Pierce Brosnan, how will she be able to manage her motherly duties and her career? Herp a derp, and also a derp a teedle dum.

This zany comedy also stars Christina Hendricks, Seth Meyers, Olivia Munn, and more of your favorite stars! So derp on over and watch and see as her friends raise up their hands and exclaim, “I Don’t Know HOW She Does It?!” Derp!

(Here is an extreme example.)

That is pretty much how I felt watching this movie. I don’t even care to see if it was based on a book or not, but man, was it not good. Skip, skip, skip to your loo right past this movie.

When someone sees the title Shark Night 3D they will assume certain things about it. One, that there is a a lot of gore, peopl getting ripped up in bloody disgusting ways. Two, if it is about college kids, sex and naked swimming is bound to happen, and then those people will die. Three, probably they will die because of having sex, or doing drugs, or being bad people, not just dying for no reason.

I can say that this movie has none of the three expectations, and for one obvious reason. It is rated PG-13.

WHY THE FUCK IS A MOVIE LIKE THIS RATED PG-13??

This is about all you will get on option 2.

So yeah, group of college kids going to…a lake house! The “main character” is Sara Paxton, from the picture above. She used to live in this area of Louisiana, and left for college to get educated! It shows, because no wone they meet in town seem to have any brains. Not even local sheriff, Donal Logue, or that guy from Grounded For Life.

The main guy, if any, is played by Dustin Milligan, but they also have Joel David Moore, or that guy from Dodgeball / Grandma’s Boy. So yeah. Eventually a shark attack happens. Not sure whats going on. Sharks take out boats too. Other twists and turns. And then it ends, on a very very vague note. Not in “oh man, what happens?” way, but a “okay, they won! Hey look another shark” kind of way. Boring.

Oh no watch out!!!!!!

Also, the sharks in this movie. They look horrible. Fake and bad. Not even scary, just dumb. Obviously CGI’d, and CGI’d badly. Might even make you throw up. Which is a reaction the movie might be going for, since there cannot be any gore.

The plots for the characters and how they die are stupid. One guy, for some reason, wants to get vengeance so badly that he takes a spear and walks into the lake, just to try and fight it. What the hell? His whole character doesn’t make sense.

Usually I give it a 0 only if I am angry at it. While I am not as angry as I normally am for an 0, I am angry that they attempted to do this sort of movie, with the rating restrictions in place.

When I first heard of Contagion, from a movie preview, I was not sure what kind of movie it wanted to be. It really seemed like it wanted to be a “real life horror”, and scary scenes of people panicking, and people dying in horrific ways. Or it could have been a drama about it. Really couldn’t tell.

Well, now I can say it is a Drama like movie about it. No real fear from the audience, just a few “intense” scenes from the panic.

OH GOD. WHY CANT THEY REMAIN CALM?

The story also features a few different plot lines about this virus. Short story, somehow, something happens, and a virus that is pretty easy to kill someone pretty quickly gets out. How? You don’t find out until the end. But the people have seizures and die. You can be immune to it though, like Matt Damon. Which is good, because his wife, Gwyneth Paltrow, kind of dies at the beginning of the movie with it, and he doesn’t want to die as well. Not when he has a daughter who relies on him, and may not be immune.

But that felt like a very minor plot. The more interesting stuff involved Laurence Fishburne and Marion Cotillard, people working at the CDC, trying to find a vaccine/cure, and determine how best to break news of the virus to the public, without inciting riots. The possibility of chaos is more scary than the actual virus, (which probably kills 1 out of 4 people!). Which says a lot. Also, once vaccines are made, how will they be handed out? Do their families get them first, do the rich? Do they do it by birthday? Who knows.

Also there is Jude Law, conspiracy theorist trying to spread the truth about the disease, the vaccine, and the cure, and controlling millions of followers who believe everything he says.

Also, Demetri Martin plays a low level scientist. One who doesn’t make jokes. What?

The last two plots were the most interesting, and thought the Damon plot was just meh. It of course shows why it matters, like everything in the movie. But the ending seemed a bit disappointing. The movie takes place over a long time, even has nifty pop ups saying “Day 144!” and all that shit. Hard to say what is missing from the movie, besides Damon having a bigger role. A lot of it could be considered boring as well, which isn’t the best way to sell a movie. Who knows.

I like parts of it as a “man what if THIS happened” movie, and would like to assume a lot of it is wrong. But eh, probably true. Humans love to riot.