Day: January 1, 2012

When someone sees the title Shark Night 3D they will assume certain things about it. One, that there is a a lot of gore, peopl getting ripped up in bloody disgusting ways. Two, if it is about college kids, sex and naked swimming is bound to happen, and then those people will die. Three, probably they will die because of having sex, or doing drugs, or being bad people, not just dying for no reason.

I can say that this movie has none of the three expectations, and for one obvious reason. It is rated PG-13.

WHY THE FUCK IS A MOVIE LIKE THIS RATED PG-13??

This is about all you will get on option 2.

So yeah, group of college kids going to…a lake house! The “main character” is Sara Paxton, from the picture above. She used to live in this area of Louisiana, and left for college to get educated! It shows, because no wone they meet in town seem to have any brains. Not even local sheriff, Donal Logue, or that guy from Grounded For Life.

The main guy, if any, is played by Dustin Milligan, but they also have Joel David Moore, or that guy from Dodgeball / Grandma’s Boy. So yeah. Eventually a shark attack happens. Not sure whats going on. Sharks take out boats too. Other twists and turns. And then it ends, on a very very vague note. Not in “oh man, what happens?” way, but a “okay, they won! Hey look another shark” kind of way. Boring.

Oh no watch out!!!!!!

Also, the sharks in this movie. They look horrible. Fake and bad. Not even scary, just dumb. Obviously CGI’d, and CGI’d badly. Might even make you throw up. Which is a reaction the movie might be going for, since there cannot be any gore.

The plots for the characters and how they die are stupid. One guy, for some reason, wants to get vengeance so badly that he takes a spear and walks into the lake, just to try and fight it. What the hell? His whole character doesn’t make sense.

Usually I give it a 0 only if I am angry at it. While I am not as angry as I normally am for an 0, I am angry that they attempted to do this sort of movie, with the rating restrictions in place.

When I first heard of Contagion, from a movie preview, I was not sure what kind of movie it wanted to be. It really seemed like it wanted to be a “real life horror”, and scary scenes of people panicking, and people dying in horrific ways. Or it could have been a drama about it. Really couldn’t tell.

Well, now I can say it is a Drama like movie about it. No real fear from the audience, just a few “intense” scenes from the panic.

OH GOD. WHY CANT THEY REMAIN CALM?

The story also features a few different plot lines about this virus. Short story, somehow, something happens, and a virus that is pretty easy to kill someone pretty quickly gets out. How? You don’t find out until the end. But the people have seizures and die. You can be immune to it though, like Matt Damon. Which is good, because his wife, Gwyneth Paltrow, kind of dies at the beginning of the movie with it, and he doesn’t want to die as well. Not when he has a daughter who relies on him, and may not be immune.

But that felt like a very minor plot. The more interesting stuff involved Laurence Fishburne and Marion Cotillard, people working at the CDC, trying to find a vaccine/cure, and determine how best to break news of the virus to the public, without inciting riots. The possibility of chaos is more scary than the actual virus, (which probably kills 1 out of 4 people!). Which says a lot. Also, once vaccines are made, how will they be handed out? Do their families get them first, do the rich? Do they do it by birthday? Who knows.

Also there is Jude Law, conspiracy theorist trying to spread the truth about the disease, the vaccine, and the cure, and controlling millions of followers who believe everything he says.

Also, Demetri Martin plays a low level scientist. One who doesn’t make jokes. What?

The last two plots were the most interesting, and thought the Damon plot was just meh. It of course shows why it matters, like everything in the movie. But the ending seemed a bit disappointing. The movie takes place over a long time, even has nifty pop ups saying “Day 144!” and all that shit. Hard to say what is missing from the movie, besides Damon having a bigger role. A lot of it could be considered boring as well, which isn’t the best way to sell a movie. Who knows.

I like parts of it as a “man what if THIS happened” movie, and would like to assume a lot of it is wrong. But eh, probably true. Humans love to riot.