Month: November 2011

Spy Kids: All The Time In The World! Yeah! The Forth Spy Kids Movie! I will let you know that I did my research before this movie. I “watched” all three Spy Kids movie the week before this one, just so I could “get” it all. After all, the poster confused me. Jessica Alba and Joel McHale? That’s weird. They aren’t in the other movies. It also said the “Spy Kids” from the previous three movies were in it, but not on the poster. Some other jerk kids.

But unfortunately, the other three movies don’t matter for this one.

Shocking, I know.

Plot? Uhh. Time! Someone has the ability to speed up time and time travel and other shit. Chaos ensures! Instead of adapting to the changing of time (despite not aging faster, just shorter days) people flip out about deadlines approaching. I think eventually they are supposed to freeze, because time is going so fast? Thats vague. Right.

Jessica Alba! She is a spy! And pregnant. After stopping crime on the way to her delivery, she retires. She marries Joel McHale who has two kids already in his past marriage. In fact, the kids are aged appropriately to be called kids for a least a few films. Handy right?

Joel is not a spy. But he is a fictional / real spy hunter on TV? It is confusing. Like, he has a TV show, I thought it was fake, but it could also be a real life documentary thing, like all of those dumb shows, following around jobs. I can’t believe people watch it though, since he doesn’t do anything? As far as I can tell.

Blah blah blah. They have to become spies accidentally. Also a talking British robot dog. It is Alexa Vega‘s fault, since she obviously thinks kids should be spies. The head of the spy agency is Jeremy Piven (but acts nothing like Ari Gold). Eventually Daryl Sabara shows up too, to help. Dude keeps retiring and rejoining (based on Spy Kids 3).

So yeah. That is about it. Cool new gadgets. Cool new set of kids. Cool new way to make more movies and money grab. The story was okay, full of normal kid super hero cliches. But making the Baby randomly powerful and a spy too was just too much. The ending was super corny too. Also, super-baby looked ugly as shit. Just sayin’.

Out of the other Spy Kids movies, I’d rate 1 and 2 a 1, but Spy Kids 3 was a solid 2. It involved going into a video game to save the world. Despite the fact that the creators made it seem like they’ve never played an actual good game before, it had a good enough story, and funny movements to be an okay movie.

This one does not.

Probably because the new chick has those dead eyes that look into your soul.

Conan the Barbarian! Another reboot of another movie that is commonly considered an original. As always, I won’t compare this to the “original Conan“, nor will I compare it to the Conan books, (because I never do. And because I’ve never read them). All I really know is that the Conan creator was good friends with HP Lovecraft, so if we could just get a Cthulhu in the movie, that’d be perfect.

“Dead by dawn! Dead by dawn!”

The story begins with Ron Perlman, running around on a battlefield. He finds a wife. Oh shit she just gave birth. ON A BATTLEFIELD. What can this mean? They call this baby…Conan.

Then some guy comes over like, 10 years later, and is trying to collect the pieces of a mask. Each chieftain has a piece of the mask. Conan is too weak to stop the army, and the chieftain kills everyone but him, and gets the last mask piece. The mask gives ultimate power….eventually. Because for some reason, another ~10 years later, the world is still not completely shit. The guy also has to kill a pure blood thing, in order to unlock its powers. Apparently it takes a LONG time to find one of these people. Because now Conan, older and more Jason Momoa, can stop them.

Pirates. Accidentally finding the pure blood woman (Rachel Nichols), fighting, vengeance. This is the rest of the plot. Rose McGowan also plays a super creepy looking sorceress chick. Like. Way too much forehead. Was very surprising to look at. Oh yeah, there is some narration done too, of course, by Morgan Freeman.

There is a lot of blood and gore in this movie. Nudity too. You’d expect both in a movie all about killin’ and fightin’ though. The music that went with it was pretty good, and the visuals were pretty decent. The overall plot was of course super weak, and I was getting bored by the end. So much that I started listening more to the music and replacing the bass lines with words like “Fight” and “Action” to enjoy myself more. What?

There was no Cthulu, but there was a weird octopus monster thing! So that is close. Also there was a very exceptional fight scene with this sand warrior thing that kicked so much ass, it is pretty much worth it, for at least that.

And for people who really like Rose McGowan’s head.

The cover of this movie looks like a normal action thriller hostage like thing, where a lot of abuse happens to the main characters until they beat the bad guy by the end and somehow are better off.

I mean, that’s just by the cover.

This would have been a better cover. Seriously, all I did was look up the title and got this. Main characters and all.

But on the back description, I like it even more. It must be a lower budget thing that didn’t do well anywhere, so to make it seem better they tried to make it seem modern and cool. After all, it stars Maria Bello from Prime Suspect (a now canceled in its first season television show) and Stephen Dorff, from Immortals (a minor character, and a movie you know I didn’t like).

Okay, I am just making fun of celebrities now. Either way, those are the stars. And those are the shows/movies they want you to think about to get this movie.

I have been stalling on the plot. Carjacked has a mom and her kid get carjacked from a bank robber. They are poor too. He forces her to drive him to a meet up in Mexico, and after that? Who knows.

So she has to figure out how to save her child, without like, you know, dying.

Unfortunately there is MANY options that she had available to her, and she never took in the movie. Had to make it last after all. The ending is ridiculous, based on the choices she made. The cops seem to be just as ridiculous.

Also, the jabs at her ex husband come from nowhere. All we are told is they are divorced, so I guess we have to assume he is a bad guy and shouldn’t be raising children. So she has a happy ending. Yay!

Now she just needs to stop making bad decisions in terms of shows and movies.

To give it some credit, the Dorff as robber / fear monger was decent.

I have a big problem with The Devil’s Double. The cover. It is atrocious and hard on the eyes. So I will fling it at you readers now!

ZA GOGGLES. ZEY DO NOTHING!

Like, whoa right? So much gold. The word double? Maybe this is about gambling. Dangerous dambling.

YOU WOULD BE WRONG.

This is based on the “True” story of Latif Yahia, a normal man just living in Iraq. Unfortunately for him, he looks a lot like Uday Hussein, son of the more famous Hussein you may remember dying from a few years ago. Both roles are played by Dominic Cooper (from Captain America! As Howard Stark!). I know what you are thinking. A guy plays two roles? Lame.

Well don’t worry, this isn’t some Disney channel Friday morning movie (Despite when I am posting this review). He plays both roles distinctively enough so that it is pretty awesome. They also have slight differences in their faces too, enough to make them seem different. And you know, mannerisms.

So Latif gets forced into being a body double, to become Uday Hussein. Live with them, take in the glory, and act like a crazy asshole. Apparently Uday is a crazy asshole in real life (well, was. Go America!). You know, lovin’ those little girls. Shooting people. Drugs. Partying. All that stuff.

Obviously Latif doesn’t want to do this. He has morals, damn it. He has a real family. So the movie is him trying to do his job so that his family back home (who thinks him dead) doesn’t get killed, while also trying to deal with the morals that come with doing bad things.

The movie is very over the top. People like to compare it to Scarface, just in terms of “Whaaaat” factor. I could kind of see it. I assume most of the movie isn’t real, except for the general story. Because this is Hollywood, not a documentary.

If they had one more double, they could take this show on the road!

Overall the story wasn’t too exceptional. However, Dominic Moore really busted out some acting chops for this movie, and it shows how much work he put into it.

Some people complain that it is entirely in English. I hate those kinds of people. If there is only one language spoken in a film, I think it BETTER be in English (if an American movie). Afterall, everyone in it can understand each other perfectly, so we should too. I assume they are speaking Arabic, but I can understand it perfectly, so it sounds normal to me. Oh yeah, Go America!

Wow. That is one of the easiest words to utter after seeing a movie like The Tree Of Life. To say anything else would be a surprise. I can assure you, if you watch this movie, it will be unlike any movie you have seen before. The movie is so ridiculously different, for people watching it, I doubt there is any middle ground. No one is going to watch it and go “Eh, was okay. Kinda good, kinda lame”. No, the only responses you could possibly get are very good, or very bad.

I am fully with the latter.

I hope my opinion isn’t universe shattering for you.

Alright. First off the plot is pretty loose. In real people time lines, I think it is about Sean Penn, an adult, thinking about his upbringing as a child. His parents were radically different, his mother a hippy, his dad, Brad Pitt, very stern and strict.

And uh yeah. Scenes of him growing up. Hanging out with friends. Getting into trouble. Being mad at the dad. Being mad at the mom. Being mad at siblings. Missing the dad. Etc.

Also, a couple times in the movie they switch to the universe. Being born. Making planets. Life beginning on the planet. Animals moving from sea to land. Killing other animals. And near the end, I think the sun exploding, earth ending. ANd other WoOOoOoOooooOoo space stuff.

Throughout the movie is a lot of operatic / religious music, and random people (narrators?) asking questions. This is true for both the real life and space scenes. The real life scenes are meant to like snapshots of life, small scenes, built together. Lot of camera angles changing.

Life?

Obviously the movies not about the actors in it. Also, not about making a traditional movie narrative. You either “get it” or you don’t. I didn’t get it. Probably just means I am not smart? I dunno.

This film is WAY TOO ARTSY. And out there. I just can’t imagine recommending it to any one of my friends for an enjoyable experience.

Look at this movie. Burlesque? How does it not scream out “hey everyone, we have scantly clad chicks that will make you all enjoy me!” Well I didn’t.

“Enjoy me right this instant, damn it!”

The movie begins with Christina Aguilera being a small town girl who just likes to sing. She hates her life, and isn’t getting paid, so she suddenly she rushes off to Los Angeles to look for a singing job. But she fails. And she then walks into Cher‘s Burlesque club, seeing a bunch of scantly clad women dancing to Cher singing. SHe wants in. Doesn’t get a job. So she just begins waitressing there for free, to get them to notice her.

Christina A has that “can do” attitude! She also ends up moving in with the bartender, Cam Gigadet, because her money was stolen and she feels unsafe. Sure, he has a girlfriend, but theres no way having a girl live there can be a problem.

Oh yeah. Kristen Bell is the star of the show, but the only actual singer is Cher. They just dance and lip sync to already made songs. Why? Because Cher demands it. Doesn’t matter if Kristen Bell can sing too. She wont let her. So eventually Christina gets a job, and thanks to Kristen sabotage, Christina ends up singing a song instead of lip syncing. People love it. She becomes a star.

This is good. Because Cher is about to lose her club and blah blah blah. Profit. People changing. Love triangles. Women fights. Jealousy. Lessons learned. End movie.

Now, my problem with this movie is (besides the story being not too original) is that I feel like the movie was actually made just to be a showboat for Christina Aguilera. Since she sings all the songs but like, two (Cher gets those) it is just a movie about how good she can sing. And that is annoying.

When I saw the cast, and heard it was musical, I assume I wasn’t just going to get a Christina concert. Because of how the plot goes, no one else was supposed to get to sing. But damn it, I was expecting a Kristen Bell song or two, and so was she I bet. She was also the star of the show in my book.

Wait. You’re telling me the fact that she was always drunk was a PROBLEM?

Stanley Tucci is also in this as “stage manager dude” and most definitely the best role. Everything else is a formulaic blah set to Christina and Cher acting like they are the best singers ever.

You know what would make Grown Ups better? More SNL cast members. I don’t think they got enough of them.

Just kidding. That was the opposite of the truth. With at least 8 people who are (or used to be) SNL cast members (could be more? I am not an SNL addict), it helped the movie seem like a “old friends get back together” type event anyways.

Some people weren’t invited to the reunion though.

Alright, the movie is about a group of old friends from a smaller town. When they were younger, they won a basketball championship. Now? Their old coach is dead, so they are celebrating his life with a reunion for the weekend.

We have Adam Sandler, now rich, married to Salma Hayek. Kevin James, now fat, married to Maria Bello. Chris Rock, now a housedad, married to Maya Rudolph. All three of them have two kids each. Rob Schneider is on his third (or fourth?) marriage, and has 3 kids (two of which are babes). And last, David Spade, all alone and a bachelor.

OKAY GOT IT ALL? GOOD.

Anyways. Throughout the weekend they try and relive their childhood. They try and get their kids used to the outdoors. They try and fix each others problems, as they haven’t seen each other for a long time.

By the end, the kids are outside more. Their lives are fixed by each other. They are bigger friends. And their wives still don’t hate them. That is more or less the plot. Mostly just a bunch of random events and activities, where these now grown ups get to try and relive their childhood memories, and joke on each other the whole time.

I mean. Parts were okay? I thought it had a couple decent moments. But they obviously tried to make it too family friendly and just felt muzzled. I think Schnieder was badly cast as “weird spiritual vegan dude”, and Spade as a bachelor felt very child predatorish. He is the creepiest single man alive, and I would even compare that to myself.

No one else (outside of Bello and Schnieder)) probably had to do much acting. I think most of it was them just acting like they probably normally would act. So I thought that was kind of lame. Just everything seeming more or less normal. Oh well! I think we can all agree though that Rob should try going back to red hair, am I right?

Badly pixelated for your protection.

So yeah. Nothing really special about this movie. Just a subpar comedy.

From just the cover, this movie N-Secure looks like some crazy action movie.

Action PACKED

But guess what? As you have guessed with the tags, it is not. It is not only a drama movie, but an overly dramatic drama movie. So much drama! And such bad acting.

This movie stars Cordell Moore who has one of the lamest IMDB pages I have ever seen. I think he looks like Barry Gordy from The Temptations movie, and was sad to see they are different people. This guy is a controlling freak. Over the movie it shows his relationship with three women, Essence Atkins (the sister in Smart Guy!), Denise Boutte and Tempestt Bledsoe (Yes THAT one).

First with Essence and maybe fathering a child, and finishing with Denise. The movie begins with him walking in on Essence maybe cheating on him with another man, despite their wedding soon. So he flips a shit. Says the child is the other guys. And may have the other guy killed. Maybe. Did I mention Cordell is rich? Dude has a mansion. He pampers his girls, but only if they follow his every rule.

I am talking making lists for what they can and can not do in their relationship. Having to call him at a certain time when leaving work and coming straight to him. Having to even ask to answer the phone.

I guess because of the cheating he is a bit…insecure. Even though Denise realizes this relationship is bad, she is afraid to leave it. Thankfully, with them working together, they can really end Cordell for good. And legally.

So yeah. Spoilers? You aren’t going to watch this movie after all. They end up killing him during his fit of rage and get it wiped off for self defense. Yay.

What a killer instinct! I knew it all along. (Okay, she wasn’t there for the death).

So yeah. This movie was terrible. Pacing was weird. And it just felt like watching someone be abused for most of the movie, and you know, not calling the cops and stuff. It is just way over the top dramatic, and definitely wasn’t a role suited for this guy who has never really been in anything. Also the title? N-Secure? There is no reason from the movie to why it should be that over Insecure. None. That is dumb. Don’t be dumb movie.

This is the 200th movie review of the site! The only other “big milestone” was 150, as 50 and 100 existed with the site launch already. Because damn it, I want to provide content. To match the theme from 150, this will be a picture heavy review.

Twilight: New Moon is the sequel to the movie Twilight, and hopefully it will answer all of the questions that the first movie failed to answer. Like. Why do Jacob and Edward hate each other?

Actually. That is about all I really cared about from the first movie.

“u mad bro?”

The movie begins with Kristen Stewart turning 18. Like you would assume, this makes her feel like an old lady, to the hundred some year old Edward who is stuck at 17. In a decade, their relationship will feel pretty pedo-tastic. So they have a party to ignore the future, but one vampire smells her paper cut and flips a shit.

“bro, u mad?”

Edward does the right thing then, and breaks up with her and moves the family to some other miserably dreary town. That is about the first 10 minutes. THE NEXT 35 MINUTES IS HORRIBLE BORING TIME. Seriously. I don’t know whats up, but the next half hour is mostly about her being sad. Eventually, she starts hanging out with Jacob, because her dad is threatening to move her back to cheery Phoenix, and guess what, she likes his adrenaline. She also probably likes that he keeps taking off his shirt to clean wounds. Oh yeah. But after 45 minutes of movie, we find out that Edward is haunting her as a ghost.

“Bellllaaaaaaaaaaaa. Belllaaaaaaa!!!” He is really just missing some rattling chains.

At this point, a little bit more happens but I am kinda mad. Just like a bro would be. (Third reference is a charm?). If I don’t see any werewolves before the first hour, I just don’t see the point. Long story short, I am disappointed. Instead I get to see them watch a movie called Face Punch and Jacob get all testosteroned up and mad at some other guy. He then promises to love Bella. Sounds familiar. At least he isn’t an immortal freak monster.

Speaking of freak monsters, at minute 62 we get to see big giant wolves in the forest! They are chasing the Jamaican vampire from the last movie who was friendly. Apparently there is consequences for the last movie, and now they want to kill Bella. Him and the weird red headed one. 65 minutes in Jacob does very impressive acrobatics. 70 minutes in? SOMEONE TURNING INTO A LARGE WOLF THING. Gah. So does Jacob. Wolf fight!

I am so glad the internet knows exactly what I want.

As a side note, I am usually upset when a werewolf is depicted as just a large wolf. Not like, a standing up wolf, but just a bigger regular wolf. Other movies seem to be doing that now too. So the next bit of movie is them protecting her from the last vampire who wants to kill her. Fine. But she wants Edward back. So she jumps off of a cliff to make the ghost upset. It works, his sister shows up, and is all, oh. You are alive. Cool.

Jacob is upset because he is now madly in love with Bella. So he is mad at the vampires. Either way. Somehow Edward finds out about all of this crap, and thinks Bella is dead. So he does the reasonable thing. He goes to Rome to have the vampire law makers kill him.

Shirtless, of course, as its the common theme.

So somehow after all this, the final conflict seems to be getting there fast enough to make sure he doesn’t get himself killed? They do this. The council doesn’t care. But thankfully love happens, and she agrees to turn into a vampire. So they spare him? Yay. Very easy ending. And, much like the last movie, the final “oh no conflict” seems to have come out of no where from the first 90 minutes of movie.

So they vote, yay, she can be a vampire. But first? More Edward and Jacob Angst. Bella tells Jacob that she wants Edward, (probably just wants to live forever) and to get away. The reason why they haven’t been killing each other (because werewolves only kill vampires? What?) is some treaty crap. It ends if they ever bite a human. Like Bella. Dun dun dun. And scene!

But here is another shirtless photo, to take on the road.

So, overall? This movie was way too long. The first hour could have been condensed a lot more. Instead of being about vampires, it seems like the first half was about nothing at all. Then some werewolf stuff. Then attempted suicide far away (Despite Edward not being in most of the movie). Then some quarrels. Then end. Like. I feel like they didn’t even want it to be full movie.

Minutes 70-95 seem to be a real ending to the first movie, but they also put filler in between it. This stuff needs to be shifted so that the first movie could have felt more complete. Maybe take the next hour of the third movie and put it on this one for a better experience? I don’t know. I won’t for another 50 reviews.

I think we can all also agree that Anna Kendrick‘s role was greatly diminished in this movie, much to my disappointment.

The Other Woman? Yes. This movie is the unofficial sequel to The Other Man. And by unofficial, I mean not at all related. It still deals with people cheating though, so don’t worry.

“Yay infidelity!”

Natalie Portman stars in this movie as the other woman. Yes! She meets a guy at the law firm, they get together (the guy says his marriage isn’t working anyways, but…the kid! He wants to stay together for the kid). Who was he married too? Lisa Kudrow, who can be a mean old bitch if she wants to. She really hates Portman, and it is understandable why (I mean, broke apart her marraige). The movie is very disjointed, because it is told from the present (of her living with the new kid + lawyer), but with flashbacks of first meeting him, and getting knocked up, breaking apart a marriage.

So in a real time line? Portman meets Lawyer Dude. They shellack in a hotel. She gets pregnant. He divorces Kudrow. They get joint custody of kid. Portman now lives with them and sees Kudrow a whole bunch because of the joint custody thing.

At the same time, it shows her interactions with the “not her kid” kid, and how awkward it can all be. It seems that everything goes wrong too, which Kudrow is quick to throw in her face. We also find out (early early on) that Portman produced a child with her new man, but that child died of SIDS.

The movie is about both Portman never feeling accepted into her new situation (after all Kudrow harasses her and says she is bad with children) while at the same time feeling that no one else cares about her dead child enough, and never cared at all. Portman does some outlandish things that will leave the viewer very upset, and begin to think Kudrow is right. Except, also, Kudrow is also a mean bitch.

This movie is really just about two woman who do questionable things.

You know. Like home wrecking.

So the movie is okay. It is an Indie flick. I don’t really enjoy the ending. At first you feel sympathetic for Portman (but why? She ended a marriage) but her meanness makes you question that. You will never like Kudrow’s character, because even at the end, when she does something positively, it is still very mean sounding. Must be because she is a woman of science. So overall, it is okay. I don’t think you are normally supposed to hate all the characters in a movie though, so that is a negative.

But hey. Anthony Rapp and Lauren Ambrose (Six Feet Under / Can’t Hardly Wait) have small roles. Nifty!