Tag: Horror

Holy holy holy shit.

Let me let you in on a little story. In order to become a master of pop culture, I determined I had to watch every movie. Literally every single one. How else will I know all the trivia? How will I know if something truly is bad?

Originally my rules were that I would watch everything, but horror. True, I still consider myself a coward and might only half watch the screen when scary stuff is about to happen, but that ban has been lifted like, a year ish ago, just because.

But why did I have the ban in the first place? It is because I really…really…REALLY did not want to ever watch or see The Human Centipede. So when people asked me if I had seen it, I of course said no, don’t watch horror.

Now, I have nothing to hide from. So I present to you, MY 1000TH MOVIE REVIEW (Milestone Review): The Human Fucking Centipede.

What in the what what fuck?

Our story, like so many before it, takes place in modern day Germany. Land of freedom and opportunity. Just ask these two girls, Lindsay (Ashley C. Williams) and Jenny (Ashlynn Yennie). They are in the area to get their clubbing on, but one of them is pretty bad at directions so they get lost on a dirt road, with a flat tire, in the rain.

So after getting sexually harassed in God’s Language Deutsch by a fat man, they decide to go look for help instead of wait for help. Leading to a very modern looking house, with lights on, yay!

Don’t fret girls. You are going to get your tire fixed in no time!

Thankfully, the Doctor is in. Dr. Heiter (Dieter Laser), great surgeon, currently enjoying a break from work. Conducting his own research at home, for shits and giggles. But mostly shits. Heh… Heh… Heh…

Needless to say, he drugs them and after some resistance, they wake up in his state of the art basement/torture dungeon.

I mean, hey, at least its clean.

There, the girls learn their ultimate fate. Like what he did to his three dogs (who died), he wants to connect three human beings together.

Not by the hip.

Not by an arm.

Not by the neck.

No, by their entire gastric system.

Ass to mouth x2.

Why would someone want to do this? BECAUSE SCIENCE, THAT’S WHY!

Not to mention the strange contraption that will come out of it. But hey, if the science is sound, then it should work. Unless you ignore the fact that humans need vitamins and specific nutritional amounts that probably don’t exist in feces. But whatever, science and stuff.

He grabs another victim somehow, this time, Katsuro (Akihiro Kitamura), a man who only speaks Japanese, but more importantly, fits the blood type of our two girls. Yes excellent indeed.

After a close escape from Lindsay, the surgery can commence.

I hope no one ate anything before hand. That could have made this messy.

Huh, guess this is the second closest time I’ve gotten to showing “nudity” on my website. Can’t really be helped, when half the movie has two topless women in it, I guess.

The surgery is a success! But our “2 Girls 1 Jap” situation needs some getting used to. Just imagine moving your head, but not being able to, because you are attached to someone else’s ass. Alright now.

They have to be trained first. Trained to eat on command. To walk. To fetch. This creation is a new pet for one lonely Dr.

And it doesn’t need any shots!

Life as a third or middle piece is hard. You can’t talk. You can’t eat. You can only cry and moan. You bet your butt you still have your tongue. Eww.

Ewww.

Guys, guys, guys, if you haven’t gotten it yet, they totally get stuck eating only crap, and crap isn’t healthy.

House training takes forever.

Eventually, bad things start to happen. Infections mostly.

But even worse for the Doctor is when some other people show up at his door. Looking for the missing people. But also worried about what research he is doing. Good, this allows a distraction, time for the human centipede to make its escape.

But first….? STAIRS.

They make it up, but the visitors are gone, getting a search warrant. Luckily, the are still able to injure the doctor. Too bad the Japanese man still feels much dishonor, and, as per his stereotype, kills himself dead. Leaving two scared girls even more helpless and alone.

Surprise! Just one. Back girl dies of infection. Surprise two! Guys return, and the doctor kills them both as they kill him. That leaves one scared little middle piece girl, in a house of dead people, and a body full of shit.

All thanks to this man.

Well. I finally watched it.

And my thoughts? Yeah, that definitely was pretty damn gross. You know what else it was? Un-entertaining. Man, not much actually happens in the movie that is scary, just gross stuff. Gross out movies are super worse than just torture porn horrors. I don’t think anyone enjoys this stuff.

Obviously the acting was bad. This movie is going for shock factor only, and the problem with that is that once you have seen what it looks like, there isn’t much else to see. Everyone has now basically seen what it looks like before the movie. Nothing like the excellent actually scary looking cover.

So the only way to improve this is to go for something bigger.

Centipedes have 100 legs. Three people only allow for 12. Clearly, they need at least 25 people to make a real centipede. But who would have time for that. Not like they made any sequels for this and literally just want to make a longer centipede, right?

Fuck this.

1 out of 4.

Where will you be, when the zombie apocalypse hits?

That is the question Stalled decides to ask. How I found out about it was basically just dicking around on Netflix though. It’s good to know there are still movies with toilet humor in them, on the internet.

I’ve definitely had poops like this before.

There are many bad places I can think I wouldn’t want to be during the apocalypse. Like, wherever ground zero is. I probably wouldn’t want to be in a super big city population wise. Just means more zombies. I definitely wouldn’t want to be on an island, unless there was a way to block the virus.

Basically, there are a whole lot of places worse than a woman’s restaurant, but not a whole lot weirder. Especially if you are W.C. (Dan Palmer), a janitor for a company, who happens to be in the restroom cleaning/working during the breakout. In a strange twist of fate, while hiding in the stalls because two women came in, one bites the other and it is extremely bloody and awkward for W.C.

What is even more unfortunate is that his tool box that he brought in doesn’t have any of his tools in it, just fat stacks of euros. This totally takes place in the UK, by the way. Strange. Money is good. But super useless now.

So now W.C. has to figure out how he is going to escape from this building, which has a holiday office party going on. At least he has company. It turns out a girl Eve (Tamaryn Payne) was also in a stall the entire time, hiding from when W.C. walked in. At least he has someone to talk to as the zombies prattle on outside of his toilet area. Also starring Mark Holden, as Jeff from IT.

Jeff from IT is pretty much a baller.

Shit. The idea behind this movie was brilliant.

Zombie movies keep trying to find new ways to spice things up. Sometimes they involve never done before locations, but a lot of them now are just changing either the fundamentals of the zombie, making it not really a zombie movie, or changing the genre into something else. Obviously comedy/zombie movies have been around for awhile, but Stalled ends up picking a location and idea never really thought of before. The number of potential sequels is astronomical.

This entire movie is like a Bottle Episode. But on purpose.

Dan Palmer also serves as the writer of this film, so it makes sense why he got the main lead. Overall, the character isn’t really likable. He seems somewhat scummy early on, lying to Eve and doing some pretty deplorable things in that bathroom out of selfishness.

But the movie itself is not only entertaining, but unique and different. And weird. Really, some of the only things I care about in movies. A random watch turned into a very interesting 90 minutes.

3 out of 4.

It took a few years, but I am really stoked that I finally had the opportunity to see 1408. Technically the opportunity was always there, but never the drive.

1408 is part of an unintentional grouping of films. You probably know what I am talking about it. It fits in the category of “Movies that are just four numbers starring John Cusack”. Of course! 2012 is the other half of the pair.

Honestly, the only reason I never watched it was because I wanted to release it when it made sense from the date. But 2008 and was so long ago and there is no 14th month. 🙁

Overall, a terrible reason to wait, when SLJ has been waiting so patiently.

Mike Enslin (Cusack) is famous for debunking paranormal encounters, made famous around the world. You got a haunted house? Prove it. A haunted rocking chair? Doubt it. A haunted room? Let him stay in it.

Most of these people are lying to get more people to visit, and he finds out the truth. A pretty famous author now too, with people recognizing at least one of his books. Some of them about actual scary places too, but more often than not…you know.

Until he clambers his way over to Dolphin Hotel, a new rumor that has reached his ear despite its apparently long and dark history. The hotel refuses to let him rent out room 1408, but some court battle seems to work in his favor. Still, the head of the hotel, Gerald Olin (Samuel L. Jackson), does his best to convince him, including providing a full history of everyone that killed themselves or died in that room over the last hundred years. Still no dice.

Because ghosts aren’t real, right? Right?

Also starring Mary McCormack as his wife. But mostly for haunting purposes.

What in the fuck is wrong with that room?

Room 1408 turns out to be extremely ludicrous. Note, that is more than a normal amount of ludicrous. At first, it is your standard haunted room stuff. Phone/TV on the fritz, hot, seeing images. But eventually it gets beyond reasonable, as you can see in the picture above.

And it also decides to use a lot of deception/trickery to catch the the viewer and poor John Cusack off guard. But, was it scary?

Not to me at least. I didn’t think it was terrifying really, but I more so just felt bad for John, who must have had a killer headache or something. Hah. Killer.

I think if they went a more realistic approach, I would have found it scarier. However, because it was so far past realism, I gained some entertainment out of it as the room in the middle of a large hotel somehow crumbled under neath him. I wish this movie could have been better for me, I really do. But eh, shit happens.

2 out of 4.

Tell me. Honestly. Did you click this review thinking it was the Disney movie Frozen? Coming out, huh, well…today?

Yeah, I bet you did. I did this on purpose. Consider yourself movie trolled.

But seriously. Frozen. Came out a few years ago, had the ridiculous concept. For whatever reason I ended up buying it, so hey, might as well watch it, right?

Or else, its like, a waste of money, right?

Two friends. The skiing and snowboarding trip of their lifetime. Literally. Har har har.

Lynch (Shawn Ashmore) and Dan (Kevin Zegers) are great buds and have been planning this trip for awhile. They go a bunch, so this one isn’t more special. Only it includes Dan’s girlfriend for once, Parker (Emma Bell).

She isn’t good at snowboarding though, a beginner, so they still to lamer hills most of the day. Sad. And it is the last day of their trip! So Lynch convinces Dan to go on one last big run, down a good slope. For some reason Parker wants to go too. Unfortunately, there is storm coming soon and they are closing early. No, no, this can’t be. They convince the guy to let them up for one last run, and they will be very quick about it. Success!

Until a series of horrible events occur, leaving them stranded on a ski lift, far above the slope, in the dark, with a storm coming. Not to mention it being Sunday, with the resort closed the next four days so they won’t be found in the morning. Shit.

What would you do in this situation? Would you wait it out? Would you risk the jump? Would you try to climb the wire? Would you just…not be in that horrible situation?

Would you punch a wolf in the mouth with your wrist?

Oh yeah, fucking wolves. That can’t help either. Those damn Vermont or New Hampshire carnivores.

This may be a ridiculous plot line, and it may have needed a few things to fail to occur, but you know what? It was actually good.

The characters all felt real. They weren’t just very dumb teens. They had their dumb moments, but they weren’t like, super movie dumb to get to their point. They did what they had to do for survival, or at least what made sense to them at the time. The movie didn’t end with some ridiculous twist or anything, it played out the story to its conclusion, and we weren’t secretly on a reality show the whole time or some other stupid twist. No, you get what you see.

But lets go back to feeling real. There were two scenes that made me very involved in this movie. The wolf scene didn’t need to show the gore to be powerful. The noises, the sobbing, and the voices all told the story in such a way that even typing about it almost makes me emotional. Then the later realization about missing loved ones/pets back home? Shit. That was straight to the feels, and almost made me a wreck.

I am surprised they made the movie over 90 minutes when the topic seems like it would be an hour max, but it worked, and we got some real character development (kind of) going on. Surviving sucks yo, especially in certain peril, but it can really bring us closer together.

3 out of 4.

I have found the month of October to be pretty disappointing in regards to major horror releases. All we got for a wide release was the Carrie remake. There aren’t even any Paranormal Activities, because the next one got pushed back to January. Yes, I find them pretty bad now, but come on, just Carrie?

That is where the indie theaters step in. They have one more addition to the month, We Are What We Are, a remake of a Mexican film of the same name from a few years prior. Well, same name, but in Spanish.

The religious elements are exemplified in the foreign version, where every male is named Jesus.

The Parker family is a strange family. They mostly keep to themselves, the dad, Frank (Bill Sage), his two daughters, Rose (Julia Garner) and Iris (Ambyr Childers), and their younger brother who doesn’t know much, Rory (Jack Gore).

Doesn’t know much? Yeah, because he is young and hasn’t learned a lot yet. He knows about Jesus. But he hasn’t learned anything about math, or science, or books, or their family secret.

Oooh, a family secret. You can probably figure out what it is. Look at the creepy fucking photos. I mean, I could tell what their secret was just by reading a small plot description and seeing the cover.

Well, they totally do that. But then a big rain storm happens, and it causes flooding. Flooding that might accidentally tear up enough ground to reveal their secret, that they have kept in the family hidden for over a hundred years. I am sure no one in the town is smart enough to figure it out. Oh, except for the wily Doc Barrow (Michael Parks), who doesn’t know he is about to discover a secret that big, but is just looking for his missing daughter, and enlists the help of a local deputy (Wyatt Russell).

That ain’t bean juice there, fellas.

Outside of their family secret, there is not a lot of surprising things about this movie. It is not your standard horror, that is for sure. There isn’t a killer stalking victims throughout, all of the deaths are quick and not built up for tension.

In fact, the whole movie is kind of set up like a regular drama. It moves incredibly slow, with the family just doing their thing, the doctor just doing his investigation, until a confrontation near the end. Because of the downpour, the dad is off doing other things, and so the two daughters have to take part in their family activity for the first real time on their own. So that is a bit awkward and creepy.

I really enjoyed the ending, I think it made sense from the build up. However, the time it took for the build up to occur is what killed me. It is a rather slow moving movie. Even though the payoff at the end is worth it, I still dislike how I wasn’t really scared or completely freaked out until that point. At that point I wanted to vomit a little bit.

But hey, at least we have an alternative scary movie this month in theaters…kind of!

2 out of 4.

The Midnight Meat Train.

What a title!

I picked this movie up expecting it to be some sketch bloody B-Horror film, that never gained any ground. Much to my surprise, I find there are actually some famous actors in this one. Whoa.

So what happened to this film? This seems like something that would have made theaters, or at least been noticed by someone. Oh well.

Never mind. Brad was in a lot of questionable movies before The Hangover.

Leon (Bradley Cooper) is a vegan. Ew!

He is also a photographer, just an okay one. He wants to take pictures of criminal activity, he just is kind of a coward and runs away before anything goes down. But he is determined. Well, he runs into a model who is getting mugged, and his mere presence saves her! Yay! Too bad the next morning she goes missing anyways. Interesting. He goes to the police (Barbara Eve Harris) but nothing comes out of it.

But yeah, she totally got butchered while on the train. The midnight meat train. Some dude just rides it late a night, and the train goes into a mysterious path, and this guy (Vinnie Jones), totally takes em out with one of those meat tenderizers. Aw yeah. Secret shit.

Well, through investigative journalism, he actually finds this butcher guy and follows him, pretty sure he has something to do with these disappearances. He also thinks he is over 100 years old.

Err… Okay, now you are crazy. Needless to say, his woman (Leslie Bibb) and her friend (Peter Jacobson) don’t believe him. But maybe, just maybe, Leon isn’t thinking crazy enough.

Oh I get it. It is even more awkward cause of his veganism.

Well shit, this was more than just a B movie. Not only that, but when I tweeted about watching it, I got positive response from others. What in the hell is going on?

For one, the death scenes by this butcher on the train, even if you see them coming, are pretty brutal. Having skinned humans dangling on a train is pretty brutal as well. Turns out this is based on a short story by Clive Barker from the 1980s, so it actually has its foot in the horror door. On its own, I wouldn’t consider any part of this movie “Scary,” just gory at times and a little unsettling but never scary.

Besides that, this movie is also a decent mystery. What the fuck is going on in that train? Is that guy 100 years old? Why the fuck doesn’t anyone care about large amounts of missing people?

I like the answers they gave, and the movie ended really well. Bad things happen, like they should in a horror, and the plot made sense? Holy crap, why has no one told me about this movie?

3 out of 4.

This may not be a popular opinion, but I am willing to say it: The original Carrie is not that scary of a movie. Or at least it isn’t scary anymore.

When it first came out it was probably shocking, sure. Part of the reason it would have been terrifying is not knowing the bloodbath that would occur at the end of the film. There was no internet, spoilers didn’t run rampant, people could watch it and actually see something new.

You’d be hard pressed to find someone who doesn’t know how the original Carrie ends. They might not know the finite details or how it occurs, but they know blood gets dumped on a poor girl, who then takes out a school who bullied her.

So why bother with a Carrie remake in 2013? The only real reason is to either change the story so that audiences won’t see the ending coming or ramp up the creepy details to a new notch in order to make it more of a horror film. You know, give us a different reason to remember her name.

“How do we make Julie look crazy?” “I don’t know…frazzle her hair a little bit!”

Carrie (Chloe Grace Moretz) came from humble beginnings. She used to be home-schooled, but the state of Maine intervened and forced her to go to public school. Not sure why. Her mom (Julianne Moore) was a perfectly adept teacher. She taught Carrie about Jesus, God, and she even gave her a nice tiny prayer closet under the stairs to “study” in.

Despite the fact that she is a senior in high school, she gets her period for the first time in gym class. Must be Satan at work in her loins. The other girls find her fear amusing, make fun of her, and promptly get in trouble by the gym teacher (Judy Greer). They have two options, put up with a week of grueling physical activity, or get suspended and miss prom. Clearly neither option is ideal, and it must be Carrie’s fault putting these girls in that situation.

Which is why the mean girl (Portia Doubleday) and her boyfriend (Alex Russell) do the whole dump pigs blood on her head at prom thing. That’ll show her.

That’ll show everyone.

Gabriella Wilde plays the nice “mean girl,” and Ansel Elgort her boyfriend.

Huh, she looks cute in red. Really, the reason anyone came to see this movie was to watch the prom scene and see the path of destruction that Carrie would lay in her wake. The rest of the film could be boring, but as long as the prom scene is excellent, the director will have delivered. The prom scene is longer in this version, there are more creative deaths with less hoses, and there is more destruction outside of the school, but miraculously a lower overall body count. Huh.

Basically, this film is identical to the 70’s version in terms of…well most things. Even the dialogue is basically the same, minus the upgrades in time/technology.

The few things that are changed are who lives and dies at the end, one other “twist”, and making the mother a bit of a masochist. Okay, a huge masochist, she loves that self infliction stuff. Basically their attempt at making the film a bit more creepy throughout.

Overall, I would say that this film was a bit disappointing in that it was made so similar to the first film (and maybe the book, no idea on their closeness). It really doesn’t add anything new to the mythology, and was made to upgrade a film literally everyone already knows the plot about. I hated most of the no name actors, but surprisingly I enjoyed Ansel Elgort as the nice boyfriend. He was so good at being kind to a weird red headed girl.

If you are looking for scary movies in theater for Halloween, unfortunately Carrie is your only hope. Somehow, this is the only horror movie the entire month.

2 out of 4.

Fright Night 2: New Blood.

Why? Why not, I guess. I mean, I liked the Fright Night remake. I also liked the original Fright Night. It is crazy how that can happen.

The original had a sequel to, called part 2. Did you know that? Of course not, I think no one knew that. I don’t think this is a remake of the sequel though, because the sequel at least had the same characters. This one is completely new out of left field.

But a similar sized and shaped field overall. Just the left side of one.

Honestly, I might mess up some of this plot. Charley Brewster (Will Payne) and his best friend, ‘Evil’ Ed Bates (Chris Waller) are in some strange college program in not-America. They start with a night class, and oh snap, their history teacher is Hottie McHotterson, Gerri Dandridge (Jaime Murray). Charley claims he saw her doing some lesbian stuff across the street before class, but no one believes him.

Well, the pervert continues to look out of his window, and eventually he sees some weird shit, so he goes over to investigate. Oh no. She is a vampire and some fucked up ritual shit is happening.

Even his somewhat new girlfriend, Amy Peterson (Sacha Parkinson) doesn’t believe him. I mean, why would they?

It isn’t until he can finally convince Evil that they decide to get Peter Vincent (Sean Power), famed vampire and unusual being hunter to investigate the teacher. He hosts the show Fright Night, so maybe he can get to the bottom of this. Unless he is a fraud. And unless the teacher doesn’t kill them first.

Please turn to page 7 for a detailed analysis of why this scene pissed me off.

I am having a hard time figuring out what is up with this movie. It has elements that are very similar to Fright Night, yet it is very different plot wise than fright night. Like the vampire is a chick, different. There is a famous vampire hunter guy who isn’t as cool as he seems, same. There is a best friend obsessed with the guy, who later becomes a vampire, same. But everything else is different. So I feel like it was supposed to be a reboot. But they labeled it as a sequel to a remake? My head hurts. Oh, let’s not forget that the main character, his friend, and the vampire hunter share the same name? What in the fuck is going on?

(The plot was worse than Fright Night and the movie was no way near as humerous or cheesy. Lame).

So basically, a generic vampire movie that is just cashing on the…okay success of the last movie.

But what really really bugged me maybe more than it should have was the long ending in a big fountain of blood. It was in a cathedral like area. Either way, cool big fountain of blood, that is feet deep that involves lots of fighting and thrashing about in it? The blood doesn’t look real, it looks like cranberry juice, or red colored water. The blood doesn’t stain any clothing or skin either. It just comes off in small red clear drops…like water. It took me out of the element completely, and I felt like there was nothing that could be done to make up for it. And honestly, I was right.

Just fuck it. Strangely enough, this is the second movie in a week I have reviewed that had nakedness in it, but not from the main female character. That isn’t the weird part. The main female character in both have been naked before in Dexter. THAT is the strange coincidence. The other one was Humans Versus Zombies. (Sorry for perving, it was just really weird).

1 out of 4.

Yeah. We got a movie called Humans Versus Zombies.

Yeah, it was inspired by the live action game played on college campuses around the (world?) US.

Yeah, it was low budget and went straight to DVD. Well then, shall we?

But they know their audience. Bring on the nerd jokes!

This movie takes place, surprisingly, around a nondescript university. Something else nondescript happens in the world, and some homeless people might end up biting some people. But that doesn’t matter. Because it is Humans vs Zombies week at this university.

Cool, they can use nerf guns too! Our movie opens up with some rule disputes, but they are pretty pathetic.

Well, actual zombies start to appear, much to our main characters surprise. Who to we have? Random hot party girl Amanda (Melissa Carnell) who normally wouldn’t hang out with these guys. Virgin nerd who predicted zombies first and plays MMOs Danny (Jonah Priour), and he likes Amanda. Internet gamer girl who has a webcam show about games, causing nerds to send her free shit, Tommi (Dora Madison Burge). A jock-ish guy who actually likes her and her show, James (Jesse Ferraro). Dude who really fucking loves killing zombies and this whole thing, Brad (Chip Joslin). And of course, war vet turned campus security guard who is really good at killing zombies, Frank (Frederic Doss).

Yeah, fuck you, you just get humans, no zombies.

Ho hum. Well, like most low budget comedies with some horror elements, this one failed to entertain for long. To be fair, it had its moments, namely from the “nerdy virgin” character. One area, near the end, he developed a huge strategy for getting his group out of the hardware store to a more safe location using knowledge he learned from MMORPGs. They had a tank, DPS, healer, range, and wild card. Alright, the Wild Card might be more of a It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia reference. But still.

But one interesting scene does not fix the bunch. Most of it is so low budget feeling, the zombies are never scary, just ridiculous.

Having the college game component was such a non important addition to the film, this could have been any generic bad zombie movie. It maybe mattered for only five or so minutes, and used it as an easy way to introduce extra characters. That is it.

The ending almost left it open ending, so I also maybe got a laugh of it’s last minute decision to bring closure.

Basically, this movie has more in common with a shitty B movie straight horror movie trying to make money with sex and gore. They have some sex parts in it, and some gore, but not much of either. Definitely not with Dora Madison Burge. To see that, you’d have to watch season eight of Dexter. But then you’d have to watch season eight of Dexter. Not worth it, yo.

1 out of 4.

Well, Dexter had its series finale a week ago today and it was pretty much shit. Seriously. One of the worst series finales ever.

In honor of that, I decided to watch Quarantine for the day!

What…? Well, look at the main star, that is why. Quarantine itself is a remake of [REC], a Spanish horror movie, that has made at least four films on its own. Quarantine was only given a sequel, and that one has nothing to do with the rest of the [REC] films. So it must be lamer.

Quarantine is also famous for being a horror film that decided to spoil the ending in basically every format possible. The trailer, the tv spots, the poster, the dvd film cover. Every single way. Later The Apparition decided to try this method too, but no one watched The Apparition.

Oh, and I have decided to spoil that ending here as well. Because fuck it.

Angela Vidal (Jennifer Carpenter) is a news reporter, trying to make it big in the world, but stuck so far with side stories. Lame. Like tonight, she is doing a piece on firefighters. I guess it is a fluff piece, because she is just sent to interview the workers, and hopefully follow them on a fire or two, that would be awesome footage. Along with her cameraman (Steve Harris), they eventually get a call out to an apartment complex where there were reports from the manager that a woman has barricaded herself in her room, and she was making a lot of noise. Alright, boring issue, but sure, let’s film it.

OH SHIT WOMAN HAS GONE CRAZY AND BIT ONE OF THE COPS. Bitch has foam in her mouth! They race downstairs, the two fire fighters (Jay Hernandez, Johnathon Schaech), and the other cops to rush him to a hospital, but the apartment complex is boarded up. The fuck? They can’t get out. That doesn’t make any sense.

Apparently the apartment complex is under quarantine now, and they have no idea why. No worries, they will be out shortly, just one crazy man. A local vet who lives in the hospital, (Greg Germann), does his best to stop the bleeding.

This is still all sorts of fucked. Especially when the lady is still going crazy enough that they have to put her down. Apparently, according to the vet, her symptoms appear to be rabies which have no cure once they take over. But the affects of rabies normally take months to occur, this must me some sort of super rabies. Well shit, how did they know to quarantine off the building so quick? Who the fuck started it? How unlucky is it to be Angela?

Super Rabies. Worse than Hitler.

Oh no, a shaky came found footage movie! The end of the world! People tend to ask during these types of movies: Why the fuck are you still recording? Well, there are a few reasons here. 1) Journalistic integrity. This shit is the scoop of a lifetime. 2)That camera has night vision on it, could be helpful. 3)That camera is also the only light source once they knock out the power. So, shit is important.

So how did it do outside of ruining the ending? Well, eh, it was okay. Dramatically different ending from the [Rec] version, I have been told. That one involves religion. This one involves cults and super viruses. I guess religion trumps, since that series has more movies. Oh well, its in Spanish, don’t care.

It was kind of neat watching all the characters at the beginning of the film start out as alive, and then you know, become dead later, so you get to see tore up versions of people who we already met. In a zombie movie, most of the zombies you don’t know. In this film, each person “dies” to the virus, and then has to be killed again with the rabies. I think that made it feel a bit better.

Near the end it got pretty confusing, but I will say I was impressed with Jennifer’s scared shitless acting. Her character did feel different from Deb, and she didn’t just bust out swears every sixth word. It is an okay thriller. Things jumping out of the dark, basically every time you’d expect it. Hooray zombie rabies!

2 out of 4.