Tag: Drama

In case you are still wondering why I released The King’s Speech review earlier this week, it is because of Hyde Park On Hudson.

Why? Well, while watching this random movie, I saw that King George VI was a character, a name who meant nothing to me. But then he stuttered. Oh shit, that is the same guy from that other movie. How quaint, how charming.

So, basically this is the sequel to The King’s Speech. Just with different directors, actors, main characters, plot, and no where near as excellent.

But really, the only reason people watched it was for this man.

The setting? Summer of 1939. Franklin D. Roosevelt (Bill Fucking Murray) is a lonely man. His mother (Elizabeth Wilson) invited his fifth or sixth cousin over to keep him company, because closer family members didn’t want to go do that white house shit. Well, Daisy (Laura Linney) agreed to stop by, thinking she wasn’t interesting at all and would bore the president!

But she didn’t. They talked a lot, eventually went on car rides, and hey, maybe carried out an affair. Yay!

Really, who knows if that is true. Apparently the journals of Daisy after she died said so, and that must be fact!

Well, they get a nice building, in Hyde Park, on the Hudson River, for getaways. But when the King of Britain comes a knocking to visit, it also works as a place for people to hang out and have fancy gatherings at. It is a strange time, because there might be a world war soon with Hitler doing shit, and UK/US relations are low after the depression and crash. But if they can hang out, the stuttering king (Samuel West), Queen Elizabeth (Olivia Colman), and FDR, maybe the future wont be bleak?

But a weekend with all the press, Daisy, Eleanor (Olivia Williams) and maybe some other hussies (Elizabeth Marvel) can get a bit feisty. At the same time, can King George VI convince himself to eat something called a Hot Dog for the sake of preserving the free world? Fucking weird Americans

Alright listen, they really liked cars back then. They were new, they were sexy. Bitches need to be driven around and all.

And that is about it. Apparently no one actually thinks they had an affair, just a close relationship. He for sure had an affair with someone else a decade earlier or something, but that was it.

The King visit was also apparently overblown from reality.

And uhh, not much happened in this movie.

It is slow and uneventful. I think the best characters are the King/Queen of England, freaking out about the little things and American customs, but they are the side plot of the movie. The actual main plot I don’t give a shit about.

Bill Murray as a serious actor is doable, because normally he is still just being Bill Murray, but this time he can’t be Bill Murray. He has to be FDR, and I don’t think it works at all. I thought this was going to be some great Oscar Bait movie that no one saw. I guess they did see it and realized there is a lot lacking. Meh, now I am all disappointed.

1 out of 4.

The Place Beyond The Pines by itself is an interesting title. It is actually the literal meaning of Schenectady, a town in New York where this film both takes place and is filmed. Damn these clever directors and writers!

The title is also mysterious enough on its own right to potentially gain viewers by itself. Every time there is a bad movie title, I tend to harp on it, so I felt it was my duty to point out the excellent ones as well.

Hey girl, even though I am surrounded by flashy lights and neon signs, all I can see is you.What would you do to support the ones you love? More importantly, what if you just found out you had loved ones who needed support?

Luke (Ryan Gosling) is a motorcycle rider for a traveling fair, the guy who gets into the tiny steel ball and rides around. It is a lonely life, always traveling, but he can sometimes find love in the random towns that he stays at. Like Romina (Eva Mendes), who he had a nice time with last year, but now lives with a man (Mahershala Ali) and has a son. Well, Luke’s son it turns out.

Luke doesn’t know how to handle this situation, but he doesn’t want to be a scumbag father, like his own, so he quits his job and settles in Schenectady. He finds a job as an auto mechanic with Robin (Ben Mendelsohn), but it still isn’t enough. He needs a large sum, and he needs it now. So why not rob a bank? Who does that really hurt?

This film also tells of Avery Cross (Bradley Cooper), a law school student turned cop, who doesn’t want to follow in the footsteps of his own father (Harris Yulin), a member of the state supreme court. Even the small towns may have local corruption, and that corruption may cause conflict in his household with his wife (Rose Byrne) and other cops (Ray Liotta).

Pines also features Emory Cohen and Dane DeHaan, but I don’t want to tell the specifics of their parts.

Hey girl, I know I am no Ryan Gosling, but check out these cheekbones. Hey, wait, come back! The “Sins Of Your Father” theme is a popular one for shows, movies, and novels, yet I always feel like it never really resonates with me and always falls flat. The Place Beyond The Pines might have the best showcasing of this theme I have ever witnessed, making me truly understand the full extent of what it means, and how it can be conveyed.

The movie is split up pretty nicely into three parts, with the end of part one coming out of left field. It was well acted up to that point, but it was still missing a major umph to get my full attention, and it was sure to bring it. After that, I was hooked and couldn’t look away from the screen, wondering what other secrets and twists it had in store for me.

Everything about this movie felt amazing to me, especially the acting. Eva Mendes is basically the only woman character in this movie. Lately, she seems to be put in movies more often for her looks than her talents, but she definitely delivers in this film.

I have talked to about five-six people about this movie, and at least from the “guy perspective” everyone loved it. The one woman I talked to thought it was decent, but not the best. The themes presented may be easier to latch on to for men, since it falls so heavily into the son/father relationship category, but despite that I think this movie can be enjoyed by everyone.

It might just be the best drama I have seen so far in 2013. This with Silver Linings Playbook has elevated Bradley Cooper into an elite acting category, and it will take more than a new Hangover to knock him down from it.

4 out of 4.

“What the hell is this shit? It is 2013 and you are just now reviewing the Best Picture winner from 2010? No one cares anymore! We already know its good!”

I have the meanest readers some times. Yes, I am a bit embarrassed that I am just now reviewing The King’s Speech. I just kept putting it off. I did see it a long time ago, but before I reviewed it, I felt like I should probably…you know…re watch it on Blu-Ray. Yeah, technology!

Enough excuses.

After all, did King George VI ever make excuses? All the time? Well damn.

Before King George VI was King George VI (Colin Firth), he was just the son of King George V (Michael Gambon). His older brother, King Edward VII (Guy Pearce) (“Hey, why is everyone a King?” Shhh) is set to be King before him, which is great, because George6 has a problem.

He sucks at talking. He has a terribad stutter, and it is frankly down right embarrassing. He is royalty, and he muffles all of his words! No one can take him seriously if he cannot give a simple command. They tried everything, including throwing money at the problem, but nothing seems to work.

So his wife (Helena Bonham Carter) decides, against his knowledge, to go off the beaten path to look for help. He has basically given up hope and doesn’t care anymore. He would just rather hide instead. As it is with movies, the man she finds is named Lionel Logue (Geoffrey Rush) and quite unconventional. He wants to get into psychology, and determine why people may stutter. That is personal shit, a bit too personal for a potential king.

OH NO. CERTAIN HISTORICAL EVENTS HAPPEN AND KING GEORGE VI BECOMES KING GEORGE VI. Fuck. Now he has to talk. He really needs to fix dat stutter and fast. But can he? Can he do it?

Just like any problem, all the king really needed was helpful aides.

There is a reason this movie won Best Picture, and it lies almost 100% with Colin Firth, who also won Best Actor. I know I’ve used this phrase before, but it is really the only thing fitting of this situation. Colin Firth acted the fuck out of this role, and there is no touching him in this movie. Stuttering is not too hard to pull off, if you want to mock a person and be an asshole. But to pull off I guess a “sincere” stutter, throughout an entire movie? And have it all look completely real and natural? Damn, maybe he just has a strong jaw and tongue! It is just insane how great he is at this role.

I tried to tip my movie after I saw it because I had such a great time. Oh yeah.

Everyone else is good too, notably Mr. Rush, as always. Not sure why Helena was nominated for her role, she is barely in this movie. But hey, congrats to her a anyways!

The story itself is not one I can see myself watching again and again, after all, there are some boring parts. But for the topic at hand, it made a seemingly “Who Gives A Fuck?” topic a star experience and helped everyone care about a now dead British King.

3 out of 4.

When I saw the trailer (I never saw this trailer) for Save The Date, I assumed that the stars were also the writers! It looked like an indie romance comedy that these comedy stars keep doing on a small budget (I based this on the poster only).

Lots of assumptions, but seriously, they are all very similar. Trust me.

But some other person wrote it! So uhh, maybe it will just be different and realistic?

We all know the real reason I watched this movie. Sup Alli?Sarah (Lizzy Caplan) is moving out of her apartment! Why? She is moving in with her long term boyfriend, Kevin (Geoffrey Arend). Yay relationships!

She never wants to get married, but hey, living together is fine. He is the lead singer in a small band. Sarah’s sister, Beth (Alison Brie) is a lot more secure in her life, and she is currently planning her wedding to Andrew (Martin Starr), the drummer of that same band! What a convenient way for everyone to be introduced quickly!

Despite everyone telling him not too, Kevin decides the best course of action is to propose to Sarah at the end of their last concert before going on a big tour, in front of all their friends and family! This doesn’t go the way he had planned it.

This causes a lot of strife in the group, obviously. But hey, Sarah warned him. She is also totally interested in this Jonathan (Mark Webber) guy at her work. He will do, he hates marriage too.

This leads to fighting amongst all people, sex, cheating, and maybe even a pregnancy. Yep, pretty realistic I’d say.

To be fair, this does look super realistic. Dat frizzle. When you watch a movie like this, you hope the acting is awesome, and it probably has really great dialogue. Well, the latter is generally true. The conversations felt real, the reactions felt real, no one was a silly stereotype. But the acting? Definitely not high on the Ben Affleck scale.

I actually enjoyed the plot and (I will say it again) realisticness of the whole movie, but the ending ruined it a bit for me. I don’t want to stereotype it and say the ending felt “artsy” and thus bad, but…other words really escape me. It’s a bullshit way to end a movie, and they should feel bad. I demand a complete story, not snapshots of random lives.

Someone who was working on this must have just got out of art school.

2 out of 4.

Holy shit, they made the movie.

I watched Atlas Shrugged Part I, the first part of a planned trilogy, and got almost nothing out of it. It was weird and confusing, a bunch of business stuff, all of it over my head. It also made about zero dollars.

What I do know about Atlas Shrugged is that its end message is that Capitalism is the best, and the Freer the Marker, the better the world. Right? Well, sticking true to that point, the creator of the film said they would only make Atlas Shrugged Part II: The Strike if Part I made enough money to cover the cost of Part II. Well, the free market said no to that, and that we did not want this trilogy to happen.

But here we are, with Part II out and in our faces. Not only did they make it anyways, they replaced THE ENTIRE ORIGINAL CAST WITH NEW PEOPLE. That is completely unheard of. Everyone character who is in both movies has a new actor or actress. I guess it makes sense. The first one bombed, replace all the people. Still an odd circumstance to happen for a movie.

Something sexist about cleavage and laying down rails.

At the end of the first movie, more laws and taxes were put in place in Colorado, so an oil tycoon decided to set fire to his fields, saying he left it as he found it, and now he is on strike. Oooh, guess where the subtitle came from? Well, he disappeared, but no one cares.

Dagny Taggart (Samantha Mathis) is kicking ass. Her John Galt line was a success, and her knew partnership with Henry Rearden (Jason Beghe) lead to a new metal that is lighter and cheaper than steel. BIG SUCCESS. Despite government interference, every thing is great for them.

Too bad the people aren’t having fun. The 99.97% or whatever are protesting in New York, times never change. Well, famous people keep missing. Nice pianists, for example. Dagny’s brother, James (Patrick Fabian) is running the company now, so he is rolling in the cash. Getting dates with random clerks (Larisa Oleynik, most famous for being Alex Mack from The Secret World Of Alex Mack, woo!) and stuff.

Well, long story short, Dagny finds some weird engine thing, somewhere. Most of the scientists are now disappearing, so she finds the last one available (Diedrich Bader) to figure out how to make it work. It could be even better for the future of energy, since gas is $40 a gallon! Maybe.

Longer story short, government hates everything happening. They make it so corporations can never change ever again. They have to sell to everyone. They cannot sell their business. They cannot change their CEOs. They must remain stagnant, and nothing will change, and no more patents. This is pretty intense. Dagny throws a fit, is losing her scientist, and really wants to find out who the hell John Galt is.

Ray Wise plays the Head of State, Esai Morales is Francisco d’Anconia, and D.B. Sweeney plays John Galt. Ah, that’s who he is!

When Diedrich Bader is your last hope to figuring out science stuff, you are totally going to get fucked over.

Here is one benefit of Part II over Part I. I actually could understand (mostly) what the fuck was going on in Part II. Part I I watched, read the synopsis of, and still found myself pretty dang lost. That’s a problem, and I would say Part II is a better movie because of that reason.

But it is bad. The CGI shows that the movie was made on an extremely low budget.

I also think it was probably too detailed and close to the book, but thats without knowing the book. I am sure this didn’t have to be a trilogy, and because it is split up into parts, it is “okay” to leave you with a cliffhanger ending like they do. Really it just annoys me.

Despite all this, I still want to see the trilogy get finished. First, I wont read the book ever. Or the plot synopsis. Second, I am excited to see the entire cast replaced again, which looks entirely likely. Third, there is a chance part III will be a musical. It is an old source, but fuck it, its the same guy in charge.

Come on. Shit on Ayn Rand’s grave and make her book’s movie (against the will of the free market) into a musical. Do it.

1 out of 4.

First off, I am a bit disappointed. The movie 42 doesn’t get me any closer to figuring out the question of life, the universe, and everything.

Unless that question is baseball related. That’s right, 42 isn’t about The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy, but instead baseball, go figure. Not just any baseball story, like the forgettable Trouble With The Curve. This is baseball history! The story of Jackie Robinson, the first black MLB player. Well, technically the first black MLB player in modern, post World War II baseball. After all, Moses Fleetwood Walker played in the MLB for a season in 1884. But after that, sixty years is a pretty long time, with “Negro Leagues” put in place, so Jackie Robinson still turned heads in his debut.

Despite the turned heads, he still didn’t help us answer that dang question… 42 doesn’t focus on Jackie Robinson’s (Chadwick Boseman) entire life, but instead about 2.5 years of it. But before we get to Jackie, we first get to learn about Branch Rickey (Harrison Ford), GM of the Brooklyn Dodgers. If we listen to his reasoning at the beginning, he wants to try something crazy. That’s right, a black man on the Dodgers! Why not, that should increase ticket sales, and he will also do whatever he can to get his team a pennant.

So he picks Jackie from the pile, gets him on their minor league team, and hopes he can kick enough ass to make it on the MLB team, while holding back his anger enough to not let the rampant racism get to him.

This is a true story, we all know he makes it to the team after a year in the minors, and the rest, really is history. We also see a little bit into his relationship with his wife (Nicole Beharie), and I do just mean a little bit. There are other members of his team who all embrace in him different ways, some with petitions (Ryan Merriman), some with open arms (Lucas Black). Some managers didn’t give a shit (Christopher Meloni), and some made it their mission to make his life a living hell (The Phillies) (Alan Tudyk). But that is to be expected from a Philadelphia based team I guess.

This also has the smaller, yet still important, story of Wendell Smith (Andre Holland). He was the the first black member of the Baseball Writers Association of America, but first had to travel with the teams for two years, writing articles about Jackie and his struggles. That means Jackie Robinson was influential on more than just the baseball level, he just chose to end racism through beating the other team’s pitchers and stealing bases.

Oh there is also a John C. McGinley cameo as the radio announcer, dropping classic line after classic line of old timey talk.

Jackie probably thinks I am talking far too much about white people in this review.Speaking of white people, I guess Branch Rickey was pretty dang important to this story, but no one really talks about him in popular culture. The filmmaker makes sure you know how much of this all falls on his shoulders, and how it would not have happened (so soon) without him. Yep, this just ends up being another civil rights movie where white people are the saviors. Just like The Help and The Secret Life Of Bees. This literally keeps happening in film, and it is kind of annoying.

Even though in this example it might be true, it is still frustrating to see that it is focused on so heavily just to sell more tickets.

I loved Chadwick Boseman as Jackie Robinson. I am glad they went with a relatively unknown actor for the role, because that was one of my bigger problems with the movie Ali.

Overall, 42 is a feel good inspirational movie and it succeeds at that level. There is some intense emotion in here, but it still ends with everyone smiling by the end. It could have dealt with a lot more of his life, but hey, after his first year, he wasn’t the only guy able to make the switch. He was a great athlete, and this is an acceptable (if not entirely accurate) portrayal of his life. I personally still left the theater happy, despite any real issues.

 

3 out of 4.

Well, I guess I put off seeing The Iron Lady long enough. I may have had access to this movie since it came out on DVD in 2012, but I never really found myself in the mood to see it.

After all, I knew it would include a few things with 100% certainty. 1) British people, 2) British Accents, 3) Old people losing their mind, and 4) Politics. For almost a year, I never felt like British Politics and Old People would satisfy my mood, and I would never get to really see the movie objectively with an open mind.

Well, clearly I ran out of time. April 8, 2013, Margaret Thatcher died, and now I am just an asshole for not seeing her movie first.

I won’t look at the guy’s mouth in the corner, I won’t look at that guy’s mouth in the corner, I won’t look at-
AHHH ITS SO BRITISH!

Margaret Thatcher (Meryl Streep) is the first female Prime Minister (and currently the only one right?) in England history. This is a movie about her rise and fall to power. Also about her love life.

What a shitty plot description. I ain’t even mad though.

She has a husband who is very loving and dedicated to helping her politically, played by a very thin looking Jim Broadbent. I do love his voice. He needs to do more voice work in films.

I saw Iain Glen in this movie a lot, but I am not really too sure exactly who he was or why he was important. But man, was he around.

But yeah. She gets kind of kicked out of office because people get upset with her. Maybe blame her for many economic collapses, ruining their lives, stuff like that. Hard to really say. Then she gets old, gets dementia, and has a hard time remembering things, like the fact that her husband is dead. She might even forget she is a lady at times, but definitely remembers that she is iron.

Some Iron beings would love to have the opportunity to be the most hated person in England, as long as they got to be a person.

MARGARET THATCHER DIDN’T EVEN WATCH THE FILM ABOUT HER. Nor did her children (Who still bad mouthed it regardless. They’d make great internet movie reviewers). Either way, I don’t feel bad anymore. Too bad that was mostly because I saw the movie, and not that she didn’t see it. Still.

Here’s my big issue with the movie. It is called The Iron Lady, which I guess is a nickname she earned during her time as Prime Minister. But the film makes sure you know for a fact that most wouldn’t describe her as that anymore. In her final years, she gets the normal old age frailty, along with dementia, causing her to forget where she is, what she has done recently, and other events. Like that her husband is now dead, and she isn’t a PM anymore. Well damn. That is great acting opportunity, but not necessarily interesting topic for the movie about her life.

It would be fine if it was just at the end of the movie — if it was told in a chronological way. But it began and ended with the fact that she is old now, and had it spliced throughout her life. Great. So we really only get one scene of her as a young gal (when she was played by Alexandra Roach). After all, we have to get Streep in there ASAP. So we do get scenes of her on the road to PM, as PM, and the harsh decline, but it doesn’t feel natural watching it. Almost as if its blurry visions of Thatcher’s own recollection.

I don’t mean to be mean, but that is all I can think of as a description.

I found the movie hard to follow and very uninformative about Margaret Thatcher, which is why I am watching a movie on her life in the first place…damn it! I want to delve more into why she is the most hated and loved person in Great Britain over the last 100 years. How much of it is because she was a woman? Do people really hate her that much? Who knows. The movie doesn’t really try and answer that. Bah. What a waste.

Streep was of course fantastic in this movie, which is why she won Best Actress (back when the award meant something!). But I am disappointed that this is the only film I have on Thatcher, because it didn’t really teach me shit.

1 out of 4.

I feel like a bad Ben Affleck fan. Here I am, talking about his greatness, despite having finally seen Pearl Harbor, but I have not seen a third of the movies he has directed. That means the first movie he directed, Gone Baby Gone. I might not have really known it existed. Whoops. Of course he has his brother in it, but it is nice to know his first work that lead up to Argo, right?

Damn straight. Forgive me Affleck Fans 4 Lyfe, my former Myspace group that I was in. I have redeemed myself in your eyes I hope.

But maybe not in the eyes of Ben’s brother.

Patrick Kenzie (Casey Affleck) is a private investigator, with his long term serious girlfriend Angie (Michelle Monaghan). On the news, there is a story of Helene (Amy Ryan) who’s child has been abducted, and she is pleading for the police to find her quickly! The police chief (Morgan Freeman) is super sympathetic to the cause, because he has lost a child himself, and has made child protection his number one goal as head of the department.

The next day, Patrick and Angie get a visit from Beatrice (Amy Madigan), the sister of Helene, wanting to hire them to find the child. This is a special case, they do specialize in finding missing people, but that means people on the run, not people who have been kidnapped. The last thing they want to do is find the child in a ditch somewhere, kind of ruins the mood. Eventually, they agree to help Beatrice, Helene, and Beatrice’s husband Lionel (Titus Welliver), while also trying to not get in the way or ruin the police investigation at the same time.

What follows is the dark paths their investigation take them on, the reprecussions that follow, and the many months of aftermath of uncertainty and grieving. You know, without giving too much away. Ed Harris and John Ashton play cop guys, and Michael Kenneth Williams is of course a drug dealer.

OH GOD I HAVE SPOILED THAT THERE IS BLOOD IN THIS MOVIE. MY BAD.

To fully enjoy Gone Baby Gone, you definitely can’t multi task through it. There is a lot going on in this thriller, with many layers of information coming in at different rates. But it is also not your typical mystery to figure out the ending, because it is actually the last thought on your mind while watching it.

Nay, loyal readers, the main point of this is the characters themselves, and their lives as they are all affected by this simple child abduction story.

But then again, personally, I did think it was going a bit slow early on, after they agreed to take the case. You know, because clues are hard to find then. I just didn’t expect so much of the movie to take place after the case had been “solved”. Solved in quotation marks can mean lots of things, so stop guessing!

Either way, it is a well acted drama/crime movie, I just think it could have been a little bit more entertaining (or quicker?) with certain developments.

3 out of 4.

The Host is the first book turned movie story from Stephenie Meyer that does not feature vampires in it! Hooray! But how different will that story actually be?

I mean, this one is about aliens. And romance. I guess that fits the supernatural teen romance genre still, which is good for her audience. But this book was made in 2008 with no other novels behind it. It can’t turn into the next big romance teen drama for people to hate on (which is why I am not doing this for a milestone review). Hell, who knows if it even has romance in it?

Shit. But more importantly, why is the year added to the hashtag?

In this world/future, there was a secret war. An alien race had invaded, a race of parasites, that enter into the human body and then live out their lives. They act just like humans, just have that weird ass eye thing happening. Either way, they are non violent aliens, they have many planets. They just want to take over their hosts lives, improve on them, then move on to a new planet, that is all. How neat.

Sure, the Host’s spirit kind of dies. But whatever. Fuck those guys.

Well, there is only a few humans left in hidden communities and they want to fight back. Like Melanie (Saoirse Ronan) who is looking after her brother, Jamie (Chandler Canterbury) and falling in love with a new guy, Jared (Max Irons). But on their way to the new hide out (let by her Uncle Jeb (William Hurt)), she totally gets captured and made a host. Sucks to suck.

Well, her spirit doesn’t get back! She fights back, convinces the alien to not give up the location of the survivors to The Seeker (Diane Kruger), and go on the run! Yeah!

Well, when she gets to the compound, no one trusts her, obviously, but hey, eventually she finds love. Love that is different than Jared, a different guy, who loves the alien version of Melanie. Well thats nice.

Boyd Holbrook is Kyle, the new lover, and Jake Abel is Ian, and he hates all of this shit.

Just wait for it. If this turns into a big deal, girls will start getting contacts like this.

The best place to start is with the most famous actor here. William Hurt? Strange. Well, Jeb was cool. Southern big guy with a beard and gun. Can’t go wrong. Also a bit crazy.

Saoirse Ronan is kind of famous. I have only seen her before in Hanna, and well, Hanna actually sucked. Don’t believe the hype. Well, her acting was only “decent” in this film I guess. But when half of the movie is your facial expressions as you talk to the voice in your brain, you need to be more than decent.

Fuck all that noise though. There is VERY little that happens in this movie. There is about 2 action scenes, because the alien race is non violent. The Seeker just happens to be a bit crazy. It is almost entirely the love triangle created by two personalities in one body.

The alien wanted to make a big sacrifice at the end, but her plan didn’t make any sense. A surprise to no one, things work out well for everyone, and there is hope for the future.

Just like there is hope for a sequel. Which is being planned despite no book. You know what that means?

Well, I don’t. Can’t really have more love triangles. Wait, a sequel might be the human kind taking back their planet. Maybe…war? Maybe action? Maybe excitement. I don’t care, lets get the sequel rolling.

1 out of 4.

It has come to the point that if I see a preview for a movie that features a predominantly large African American cast, I assume it was made (or produced/presented) by Tyler Perry. I had that thought when I first saw the trailer for Temptation: Confessions Of A Marriage Counselor, and again when I saw Peeples, which looks like a Meet The Parents remake.

And it pisses me off.

Why? I am mad that Tyler Perry is apparently the ONLY person doing this. There is a lot of (justified) dislike for Tyler Perry movies in general, but if anything we can say he is doing a lot for his community in the entertainment industry and he should be rewarded for it. But please, please, someone else join it too. Maybe take the reigns from him. Then I won’t have to see movies like this one.

I know all there is about temptation. Just throw in some eyebrow waggles and you are good to go.

The movie begins at a government office with a marriage counselor, and a couple coming in to possibly divorce. Why? Well, secretly, the wife has found another and is making her man miserable. Well, girlfriend, you need to hear the story about the marriage counselor’s “sister”, Judith (Jurnee Smollett-Bell. She grew up with Brice (Lance Gross, fell in love with him, and they have been married for years! Him, a pharmacist, her, having a masters in something or another.

With that degree, all she did was land herself in some high class match making firm, helping come up with the matching algorithms, through psychology and shit. Harley (Robbie Jones) is a programmer who made the third biggest social network website (oh man!) and he wants to invest in the company. But maybe, just maybe, he wants to invest himself in Judith. Oh yeahh.

Judith’s mother taught her how to be a good wife. Cook meals for his man, always be there for him, not to be swayed by fast cars and money. Fast cars and money are the devil! Well, the devil is so…I don’t know, tempting!

There is also a side story of a new girl (Brandy Norwood) at Brice’s pharmacy, who is super secretive, and maybe on the run from an abusive ex boy friend. Also “featuring” Kim Kardashian as the “Bitch from Judith’s work”, Vanessa Williams as their boss, and Renee Taylor as the bigoted old white lady.

Oh for fucks sake. Now she is tagged on my website.

Well, everything that happens in this movie is predictable, nothing will come as a shock. It does, however, escalate so much out of control that there is a chance multiple people could die! Who knew that being an adulterer could lead to death. What is this, Mean Girls?

The ending is a complete mess. Not the actual ending where the climax occurs, but the slower part afterwards, when you remember that this entire thing was a story from a government issued marriage counselor. The girl who was fooling around literally is left crying from the story and agrees to never give into the temptation of another man and love her husband forever. What?!

I guess that was an easy enough solution to everyone’s problems.

But back to the movie. The acting wasn’t that great, but you knew that when you saw that Kardashian was billed third overall. It moves far too slow at the beginning, and it is a predictable drab overall. I was actually excited to watch this film because, as I have said before, Tyler Perry is good at dramas! But that was only using For Colored Girls as my only TP Drama reference, and it wasn’t an original work of his. My bad, maybe action is his best role?

0 out of 4.