Tag: Action

I originally listed this movie as 30 Seconds or Less. Whoops. Minutes are larger than seconds, by at least a factor of 60. Math!

The start of Skynet was actually learning how to make calculators speak.

So we have the good guys. Mark Zuckerberg and Todd Haverford.

And the bad guys. Kenny Fucking Powers and Bucky Larson. Ugh. Sorry. Nick Swardson is better known as Nick Swardson. He doesn’t have many memorial roles. Instead you think of him as that guy in blah and blah.

Jesse is just a down on his luck no prospects pizza delivery boy. For some reason, his restaurant also has the 30 minutes or less guarantee, which as everyone knows is silly. No real basis for who’s clock is actually right, just leads to a whole bunch of problems. Especially since they apparently don’t start the timer until the pizza is given to the driver and on the way, not when the call is made. How are these customers going to be all “oh man, 2 minutes late”. Unless they magically know when he left. Err, nevermind.

So yeah, he is a slacker, but a good guy and smart. Danny McBride is living off of his dad (a war vet’s) wealth, and mad that his dad keeps buying shit with his lotto earnings. He figures at this rate, by the time he dies, there will be no money left. So why not have his dad killed? But they gotta play it smart, cant just have them be the killer. So they find a guy who will do the job, but first they need $100,000.

Using that same logic, they think they should find someone else to steal the money for them too. So they agree to kidnap a complete stranger, strap a bomb to his chest, and give him 24 hours to rob a bank. CRIMINAL. MASTERMINDS.

This was a pretty funny movie. Aziz may have been the funniest part of the movie. But that is because he is secretly one of the funniest people in television. It is his high pitched voice when he is yelling that does it.

Danny McBride acted how he generally acts in all movies. Swardson was dumb sidekick. Jesse E is in more serious things than he is in comedies. He was a funny character as well, but more importantly, when he had a bomb stuck to his chest and he was panicking, I believed the fear he displayed. That alone is almost worth the watch itself. It is hard to play believably scared, especially in a comedy, but he does it well.

Pictured: Serious shit.

So yeah. Good movie. Why aren’t you watching it yet?

Ehhhhh.

Oh. Want more? Ehhhhhhhh.

The picture below is how I felt watching and after watching Blitz.

I am not above using cats on this website.

Blitz starred Jason Statham, and I was super bored. This film could not keep my interest. It was all,

“blahblahbritish talk, blah blah, someone is killing police. But I’m a bad ass cop! I will find him.”
“After how many more police die?”
“I don’t know know, as long as my woman and I are safe. I will find him before he finds me.”

Yep. That is how the whole movie felt. Jason Stathom is only good at action. Afterall, he is pretty much just acting as ridiculous as his real life used to be. This is not even a psychological thriller or anything.

The killer isn’t smart, he just covers up the basic elements. He doesn’t leave clues for them to find him, he just does it. The action is super limited in the movie as well. The biggest action scenes were the beginning and the end of the film. In between that action crust is a lot of bored tofu.

Only reason people do this is because they see Stathom and assume action.

The box for this movie is pretty cool. Jackie Chan, some other asian guy, and Little Big Solider. What is this about? What does it MEAN?

It means awesome good shit.

Well I will tell you.

First I think this was a pet project movie for Jackie Chan for some time. It is definitely a Chinese movie, as guess what, it is subtitled. I personally watched it Dubbed, because I don’t care. (I am not sure if Jackie Chan did his own dubbing). The story is one of the many Ancient China stories that are abundant in the world, and of which I know nothing about. This takes place in BC China, when there is warlords, fighting, big clans, armies, and more. Such a small story too in the large history, as the Writer, he clearly made this movie for him.

He plays a farmer who was enlisted to join his warlord clans army. Accidentally in his first fight he ends up capturing the opposing sides General. If a general is brought back (normally dead) to the warlord, the soldier is granted amnesty from the war, is given a large plot of land, and left alone if they want forever. All Jackie Chan wants to do is farm. Raise a family. The other main actor who plays the general also does very well. The fight scenes that featured them two were fantastically made. As you are aware, a lot of Asian martial arts movies nowadays have these artsy and stylistic fight scenes. The way they use the surroundings. The barn fight and “stick fight” were some of my favorites.

The ending I didn’t see coming, (but all my friends who know their Feudal Chinese history probably do! Yes, all zero of you) and thought it sad. Oh well. Can’t change the past.*

The movie was also beautiful on Blu-Ray. I assume there was very little used in CGI, and that the areas where filming took place just look that awesome. It is hard to imagine China as a beautiful place, mostly because I am brainwashed to assume it is just communism and other bad things. U-S-A! U-S-A!

Not the best part of Asia, as this took place in San Francisco. It is, however, the best part of San Francisco.

4 out of 4.

* – Allegedly

Holy shit (hah!) is this movie short! I mean, my bar said 87 minutes, but the credits began at the 80 minute mark. The opening credits was a good chunk as well (even though there was story during that, but more on that later).

What is this, Land Before Time VI? (No. That is 77 minutes long). A friend of mine said that he thought they left a lot of the movie on the cutting room floor, which I have to agree. The plot confused me at times, and its not like this is hard hitting thinking material. But everything was either rushed. Or just not much happened. It is hard to tell.

Above: Either hard hitting thinking material, rushed material, or nothing at all.

Did I find things interesting? Yes. I enjoyed a majority of the fight scenes, visually they were great. Speaking of visually great, the opening of movie was good too. I believe it was done by the Priest artist of the comic, Hyung Min-woo. Probably why it was overall my favorite part.

I liked that the vampire eggs apparently hatched the same way a whelp hatchling would (Yah, I went WoW). I understand why the vampires lacked eyes and were very bug like. That is just science! I also like how it was a pseudo-western with kind of science fictiony angle.

Now I don’t understand why the Church would lie. I don’t understand why he went corny at the end with “No the war is just beginning!” nor do I like Maggie Q. Go away Maggie Q. Get a real name. I still want to read the source material, which I bet is fantastic.

This movie was a lot better than expected, but technically I expected nothing. I first didn’t watch it, because the cover made me think of Eagle Eye. (yes, even though I read the words “Source Code“) Eagle Eye!? yuck! Don’t need any Shia LaBeouf in my room!

Or my website.

Doesn’t help that the main woman, Michelle Monaghan, is the main woman in Eagle Eye too.

Anyways, this is a sci-fi (esque) action movie, where if you can ignore some plot holes in how everything works, it becomes pretty good. What plot holes? It is hard to explain, here and in the movie. More or less, they said that after a “big event” in the realities aroun…no I still can’t explain it. More or less, they have a way to send people back into an event, inside a person whom shares qualities with their sendee back, and can do things before the event occurs. Not stop it of course, because it has already happened. But some cool things, like figure out who did it, figure out what they will be doing next, etc.

Why is this good? Because some dude bombed some trains in Chicago! And is planning on bombing more things! If they can find out who it is, maybe they can stop him!

Unfortunately when dealing with alternative realities, paradoxes tend to happen pretty easily. The ending was beautiful, and cannot be mucked up if they ever try to do a sequel. So that is good. I am tired of also liking 6/7 of a movie and hating the end. This time I liked pretty much all of it.

Also, for those Jake G haters, you can watch him die at least six times in this movie. No, that is not a spoiler. Unfortunately, as I said it was set in Chicago. We can’t all be perfect though.

Alright, a good thing to realize right off the back when watching this is it is NOT a prequel to the 2001 Burton one. Instead it is yes, another reboot, and a retelling that is more try to the original film series. This confused me a bit, as they threw in references and clues talking about space travel and stuff in this version of Rise, but they didn’t match with the ’01 version, making me go “Whaaaa?”. Saying “Whaaaa?” in theaters is also very distracting.

Anyways. This movie did a good job of making me care about the apes more than humans. Because seriously, the biggest problem with Avatar? Fuck the Na’vi.

Fuck you too, buddy!

More specifically, if you give me a conflict between Humans and not humans, overall, I want the humans to win. Every time. Species over other species. I may not agree with all the actions (as we are supposed to feel uneasy in Starship Troopers) but I don’t want them to lose because of it. So if this movie brought up a big war with the apes and humans, I would be pissed if the apes won.

Thankfully, what it does better than ’01, is make the apes not the bad guy. ’01 made them clearly the bad guys (humans enslaved! War hungry apes!), but in this movie none of the apes are bad/evil, just a few people and that is all. It also does a good job of explaining at the end how the Apes will take over, so if they choose to continue the franchise the eggs are all in place. The only people who were really hurt were the bad humans too, and no all out war, just an escape for the apes to live in peace.

Not really a spoiler, but yeah its Franco‘s fault. He develops a drug to cure Alzheimer’s, but the testing on apes made them wicked smart. He just wanted to cure his dad, is all. Also, how good is John Lithgow in this movie? This plus Dexter season 4 shows this guy has got that acting thing down.

All in all, this is just a movie about the love between a monkey and John Lithgow.

The plot moves along at a good pace. If I had any complaint it is that the “Ape Escape” in the last half hour may have taken a bit too long.

In terms of randoms, I found his love interest a pointless add in. She didn’t seem to take away or add anything to the film, so that whole buildup was annoying. Also, the company owner in the beginning in the movie, in his first two scenes, removed and put on his glasses a total of five times. My friends didn’t notice it though. Seriously. I wrote them down for my second viewing. At 4:00, 4:10, and 4:35, and then 7:24 and 7:45 minute marks, this happens. Way too much dude.

I think this movie didn’t know what it wanted to be. First part was amusing in a violent sort of way, and then it almost tried to be some sort of a cheesy 80’s cop show (based off the soundtrack). But then when it tried to get serious, it never really got there.

This movie is about a Tactical Force unit that just doesn’t do things by the book! Effective? Sure. But no one seemed to pay attention in SWAT class.
Including a hilarious lesson on how to properly stop someone with hostages. That is internet sarcasm.

Shut your dirty mouth, ORLY Owl

While going to a warehouse to run test missions with fake bullets and what not, they accidentally encounter a real gorup of bad guys. Oh no! With no bullets, versus a ton of people with bullets? However will they stop them? Oh yeah. TACTICAL FORCE!

So more things happen. More kinda violence. Steve Austin, the leader, ends up wrestling with someone else. Weird for a SWAT guy, but I guess they were going for that. I thought Michael Jai White (Black Dynomiteeee) was pretty good at his role. There was a “Twist” ending as well, that really didn’t mean anything or need to exist. I understand it. But it didn’t add anything to the movie or trick you in any way. Just kinda blah.

This review may be controversial. Which I can ignore of course, since these are just all my opinions anyways. Who can tell me I am wrong!

No one!

I was originally interested in Knight and Day because the previews made it look like it was Tom Cruise acting very ridiculous with some Diaz. Because I am tired of Tom Cruise acting all serious and action star like. He needs to make fun of himself more (Like his dancing in Tropic Thunder). No one really wants to see Mission Impossible 4, as far as I can tell.

No one!

Thankfully, this movie was pretty weird (Of course! Action Rom Com? What?) and I got exactly what I wanted. A weird kind of spy movie.
Cameron Diaz was fine as girl who is in a situation way over her head. They didn’t make the story completely linear too. I loved the large gaps in storyline, and jumping ahead, and they had such an interesting way of explaining it all.

I kind of hated the last scene. They made obvious jokes about the rest of the film, but the jokes were too long and obvious. I could have dealt without the ending. But this was pretty great, cant wait to buy it.

Well, I should have seen that coming. Afterall, thinking of video game movies that aren’t lame is hard to do. The plot of Tekken is kind of like the game, Tekken. Kind of.

Some character lines (Heihachi, Kazuya, Jin) make sense, while others with characters from the game’s stories are completely ignored. One woman fighter is supposed to be the mom of another fighter, but they don’t interact at all with each other, and her son is older than her. Whoops?

Although it had the brazillian Eddie and Yoshitmitsu, I was sad to not see Jack, Paul, King, etc. Probably because I haven’t played since Tekken 3.

Or the best Tekken character ever, PANDA!

Finally, even if it wasn’t based closely on the game, the movie was a mess. The whole tournament arbitrarily kept changing, never knowing actually how the rounds ended up working. Oh suddenly we are at the finals? Okay. Why is this person in the movie and never shown to fight? Whatever. Tournaments should be simple to follow. Not random. Easiest part in the movie to make simple.

Did I mention the plot was stupid too? The game has so much plot in it, everyones storyline, but it kept changing things. Fighting games that work on a story line are some of the easiest to convert and explain. All fights have a reason and what not. Oh well, where is my Soul Calibur movie? Complete with more Yoshimitsu of course.

1 out of 4.

The premise of the movie is that someone becomes a much better human thanks to experimental drugs? That just sounds like Senseless. Afterall, both end in less, and have 5 letter words. But in senseless just his senses were enhanced and it was a comedy. In Limitless, his mind is enhance. And its action/drama. Oh well.

The story starts out as expected, Bradley Cooper is a loser. Probably a hipster. A writer who doesn’t write. Just living in the NYC.

Above: Hipster Loser, Bradley Cooper.

Thanks to certain events, he gets these pills temporarily. And he becomes…productive! He cleans his apartment! He writes his book. Aww, finally growing up Bradley Cooper. A drug to make someone be less of a loser! What I really like about this movie is it is weird. The beginning, loser hipster days is kind of boring. But that is on purpose. The drug focuses not on being enhanced strength wise, but mentally. BC gets smarter and smarter, unlocking more and more human potential. Soon he is wracking in the dough. But it doesn’t stop there. His body just gets better and better. The film speed and style almost seem to keep speeding up, and the viewer has to step up his game to keep up.

Reminds me of Flowers For Algernon, without the sadder end. It is cool watching the evolution, and it is awesome focusing on a smarter person. It also teaches us that drugs are not always bad, mmkay.