Tag: 3 out of 4

Here is a movie title that should just make you stop and go “Huh, that seems interesting!” At least it did for me. Kill The Irishman? Why does he have to die? Tell me now, damn it!

I gained a level of rage only comparable to road rage waiting for this answer.

This movie tells the real life story of Danny Greene, some small time Cleavland boy’s rise to fame. Ray Stevenson plays the titular character and is fantastic at it. Other important people to the movie include Vincent D’Onofrio, Val Kilmer, Vinnie Jones, and Christopher Walken. You know, tough guys, cause its a mob movie.

I also think that is an absurd amount of “V” named people for one cast.

Alright, so Danny Greene. His rise to head of the local Union, to being kicked out of all Unions, to mob thug, to mob heavy player, to the order for him to be killed. Pretty easy to follow timeline. Also during the movie there is some sex having, a lot of crime, and a lot of close friends who end up having to die as well.

So if you hate Mob like movies, then might not want to watch it. But if you like crazy mustaches, you definitely want to check out the second half. For the first half, he is mustacheless, which almost confused me. I see the cover, I see mustache, and I just find myself looking for the mustache guy the whole movie.

“Oh my bad, I didn’t know you cared that much about my upper lip, ya freak.”

The acting is pretty well done. I can’t comment on its realness, but eh, I believe it. Nothing else better to do in Cleavland except blow things up. As far as I can tell, this building may be the next thing to go. Music is great for the mood as well. Really felt for the characters, and accept that Danny Greene ends his life on a positive (?) note.

Unthinkable starts off with some Muslim dude saying he has planted three nuclear bombs in cities around America, and set to go off in a few days, Friday at noon.

I could swear, during the video of this, which they were showing CIA/FBI people on Wednesday, someone said “That’s four days!”. Dumb. Just saying.

The beginning of this movie is kind of weird too, with the FBI being behind the news in this matter. For some reason, when trying to find said suspect, they get attached to Samuel L Jackson, who kind of just sticks around. We are told he is a dangerous man under protection. But good thing they did, because he can help!

And SLJ just loves helping people!

The head FBI lady is Carrie-Anne Moss, or Trinity from The Matrix. SLJ is a “interrogation specialist” or at least a guy who is willing to do anything in torture to get the truth. Yes, even the Unthinkable.

His assistant is Benito Martinez, or that guy from The Shield, and Stephen Root is his lawyer/representative guy. I have been wanting to tag Stephen Root forever, he is probably in half of these movies I have on the site, but NEVER has a major role.

Anyways. Most of the movie is the few days of them trying to torture this guy, going back and forth between the two methods. And by back and forth, I mean 90% of it is SLJ’s way. 100%, if you assume he is allowing the other way to even happen, and can stop it whenever.

Obviously this movie questions everything about interrogation procedures. Does torture give viable results? Which side is overall right? Why is the head army dude so wishwashy and quick to pass blame? (Seriously, what a horrible character. Not believable). I guess it just goes to show that no one know what to do when trying to stop 3 nuclear bombs from going off.

I find it hard to believe a guy could make them. Especially with such great “countdown software” which I bet is only real in movies.

But the movie and acting were very great. The only thing I can take out of this really is that they really hate Muslims. I think the film avoids taking sides, and still has a dreary ending just to prove that live sucks. You know. Well, it would at least if we didn’t have Samuel L. Jackson.

If Samuel L. Jackson was actually in charge of torturing a man, you know he’d have shotguns instead.

This is NOT a review of the books, or a comparison of them. Also, these reviews will be SLATHERED with spoilers. So, there is the warning.

Harry Potter is Daniel Radcliff, Ron Weasley is Rupert Grint, and Hermoine is Emma Watson. There are some other people, but who cares after the main three. The goal of the series was to have all the actors play the same role for all 7 (At the time, but now 8 ) movies! Lets see how that worked out.

It doesn’t.

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

This first movie is very very simple. It has to get you caught up on the backstory (or origin), who the bad guys are, how the world works, etc. So you can consider this movie to be like the first movie of a superhero series, if it makes it easier. Like all good superheros, Harry Potter also lost his parents at an early age. While most superheroes still find themselves in a good situation, loving family, Harry gets the short end of the stick and has to live in an abusive house. The people in the house are the only real non magic users we learn about in this series, so I kinda just have to assume all British people are like that.

Logic!

Blah blah. Big scary hairy guy tells him he is special. Steals him to a witch school (where no Muggles are allowed. Hmm. Seems kind of racist. Flaw in the series? I’m not saying Muggles and Wizards are different races. But the people in the movie do. Really, to compare it to superheroes, they are like Mutants. Since two non-mutants can still make a mutant baby.

At mutant orphan school, he is picked on by Alan Rickman, is talked about behind is back, and learns to do magic. Like normal middle/high school. Some gay old man takes a special interest in him, and the rest is history.

Oh yeah. And some guy with another dude on his head tries to kill him through a series of weird games and three headed dogs to get to a stone that lets people live forever. That part was just weird though.

Really, this just looks like some sort of artsy statue.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

Year 2! Life at home still sucks. School doesn’t. Turns out homeboy can talk to Snakes. That’d be amazing to me, you know, if these same people weren’t also flying around, shooting off spells and shit.

Some famous book guy replaces guy with two heads who tried to kill Harry as a teacher, and he also is inept at the job. Also, people are dying. Giant Basilisk in sewers? Oh no, evil dude who is dead kinda went to school here, had a diary (hah…) and tricked Harry! Don’t worry. The diary dies by the end, and all the kids are no longer stone.

What is going on here? Is he looking away so he doesn’t become stone? Why doesn’t the basilisk just bite him?

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Year 3! Home sucks, school doesn’t. Another new teacher, also inept, also suspicious. This one involves wearwolves though!

Oh. And shit. Dangerous criminals escaped from Prison. That sucks. More magic learning, more hall sneaking, more no good doing. Also, time travel. They got everything under the sun pretty much in this movie. Even that Dumbledore guy seemed confused by it all. HEY WAIT.

THAT’S A DIFFERENT ACTOR! SHENANIGANS!

Thankfully the actor change wasn’t this significant.

Richards Harris died before the third of eight movies! All of their plans, ruined! Guess they shouldn’t have picked such an old actor for such a long project. Oh well, enter Michael Gambon.

I can’t even remember if Voldermort is in this movie. I know it has animal rights stuff. But I think this one just has his lackies.

Oh yeah, and the escaped convict is Gary Oldman, not actually a murderer, and Harry’s godfather. So his last remaining “family” even though that word is a big stretch still.

Why so serious, Black? This works because Oldman is in the Batman movies too.

So, I know they wanted authentic purposes. But I find the kids in the first movie to now just be creepy, based on their age. The first movie, when compared to the others kind of moves at a lot slower pace. Afterall, its the origin movie. With everything getting explained, it might bore future watchings. The second movie I usually just call a continuation of the first. Still a bunch of little kids. Still a bunch of explaining.

The third movie I think is the first to take on its own complete story and tell it well. It is interesting, and all of the components are interesting too, not confusing. Confusing is an easy adjective to give to movies dealing with any form of time travel too, so that is a great thing to pull off.

Obviously I remember the least from the second movie so it must not have had much of lasting impression on me, right?

I decided to try this movie out when I was browsing Jeremy Sisto‘s imdb page. The other was the dreadful Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Undead, but I figured with a title like Into Temptation, how could it be bad? If anything, might just be some super awkward soft porn thing, and I could have a hilarious review because of it.

Complete with Catholic priest role playing.

In the story, Jeremy Sisto is a Catholic priest, in some lame part of some city. He saved his Parish from going away, or something. He also is a bit unconventional, talking on subjects other guys wont touch. Trying to add jokes to his sermon. What have you. But in the first few minutes, a woman (Kristin Chenoweth) comes in for a confessional. She is a prostitute! Of course she was also raped by her step-dad, has lived a life of sin, and is also going to kill herself on her birthday.

All Sisto knows is the necklace she wears, as she gets out of there before he can see her face and talk to her.

So the movie is more or less Sisto trying to find Kristin, on his journey to the underworld, in order to help save her. Along the way he gets some spiritual advice from a higher up Catholic Father, played by Brian Baumgartner, or Kevin from The Office.

Turns out he doesn’t always talk like “that”.

I’d say most of the movie is relied on Sisto’s acting for it to work. Everyonce and awhile we get a small scene with Kristin, who is usually alone, and we have to rely only on facial gestures and mannerisms. What this movie ends up being is a journey for Sisto’s character to be himself, a better man, and help others along the way, while finding out how to be a better priest. It was a very interesting movie, if not slowly paced. It also didn’t focus much at all on the religious aspect of it all, which is surprising. Pretty decent flick.

The Change-Up is the R-rated attempt to make an enjoyable “change bodies” movie. Most of the time these sort of movies are family oriented and always have the same message. Always.

Your life is better than you think it is, switching is a bad idea, and don’t do drugs.

Presumably the last message is implied. The Change-Up offers the same morals, minus the drug part. It might condone them, actually.

“Drug use?! By golly gee wizz, that is bad stuff!” – How I think Ryan Reynolds actually talks.

So, the beginning of this movie is pretty bad. We have to get through the parts where they are all, rawrr my life sucks. Even a dumb poop joke scene. Gross and unnecessary. Adult oriented shouldn’t have to mean lamer jokes, but eh, they happen. The “Change Up” part is equally ridiculous, but pretty much anything they could have came up would have failed too, so that doesn’t matter.

Reynolds is friends with Bateman. Reynolds likes to party, lives alone, sex all the time, actor/model. Bateman has a family! Daughter and twin babies, married to Leslie Mann, and works in a law firm. Pretty smart, trying to make partner. Olivia Wilde is his assistant, who he kinda wants to bang.

For some reason.

After the change, there is some pretty funny stuff that happens. You can probably guess a lot of it. Each person screws up the others life, tries to coach them on how to be successful. Unfortunately Reynolds also has some dad issues, and Bateman has marriage problems, so with their powers combined, they are able to help fix both. By the end, they yes, learn to love their life, and make appropriate changes in their lives for future successes.

At least in the Unrated version, there is a lot of boobs. Some are creepy boobs though. Leslie Mann is naked in this movie a lot though, which was very surprising.

I really couldn’t tell if I wanted to give this a 2 or a 3 rating. It had parts enough to annoy me for the 2, yet some very funny parts for a 3. So I think in cases like this, I tend to just go the higher rating route. It still could have done a lot of things better though.

This movie stars Ryan Reynolds and he is Buried in the ground, unsure why, and left with his phone and lighter.

You are now caught up with the synopsis.

There is also eventually a flashlight, some glow stick shit, instructions, and other stuff that happens. I feel like if I say any of it, I am spoiling part of the movie.

I can say that we thankfully get to hear other people talk, in his phone conversations. I figured this movie would be partially told through flash backs, like all those other things, but nope. We get Reynolds in a box. Just him! I like that. Flashbacks is the lazy way out.

This film is probably banking off of the success of 127 Hours, much like the horrible Wrecked tried to do.

There is one part near the end that bugged me. It showed the camera zoom out and I guess it did that to make him seem even more helpless, but then it made it look like there was no ceiling. When there obviously was a ceiling. So that was just dumb. He had barely any room over his head, not this 8 feet or so that it made it seem out of no where. They made that clear when he had to scrape his head in order to turn around.

What this movie does a good job of doing is make you hate people, assuming you didn’t already do that. You won’t be too mad at Ryan, as really, its hard to find faults with any of his actions. Aside from that previous pan out frame, it does a good job of making the viewer feel trapped in a box the whole time too. Normally I hate that feeling, but that is usually with boats. You are supposed to feel trapped in this movie.

“Why must people be so stupid!”

As a side note, his birthday is apparently March 23rd. One day before mine, cool! Also, it had a very wow ending.

Have you heard of this movie? Crazy, Stupid, Love, it has tons of bigger names in it, and some lesser names that might be big one day! This non-R rated Comedy/Romance has a few stories in it, that are kind of connected. Not like the bullshit Valentine’s Day movie, much much less stories. I’d put a max of 3 stories for this one.

Let’s see, the movie begins with Julianne Moore telling Steve Carell that she wants a divorce. Why? Because she slept with her coworker, Kevin Bacon.

I am pretty sure most marriages nowadays have a “sleep with celebrity” clause in it though.

This causes some vehicular shenanigans, and going home early. Sure, their marriage is also in shambles out of boredom and apathy, but the Kevin Bacon part is more important. This makes their son mad, but the babysitter, Analeigh Tipton, glad, since the kid is totally being a creeper. She doesn’t like the divorce though, but goes back home to her family, where her dad is played by John Carroll Lynch, or that guy who played Drew Carrey’s brother.

At the same time, Emma Stone is having to turn down the advances of one suave ladies man Ryan Gosling, because she is dating Josh Groban at the law firm!

Man, that set up took a long time. So the movie tells of Carell meeting Gosling at the bar, and learning how to be a better man (and by better man, I mean pick up chicks and be exciting). All while Carell has to help teach his son that love is real, to pursue his dreams. I won’t get into any other complicated relationships that happen, because they are all awesome and spoil shit.

The movie goes at a much slower pace, but it is definitely worth it. Pretty much all of the characters that matter are dynamic and change throughout the film, so it is great to watch their transformation.

If I could, I would change the ending though. The big climatic ending takes place at the sons 8th Grade Graduation, which is lame on its own. I skipped mine because of the pointlessness of it. The speeches didn’t feel like they fit the rest of the film, especially since they would have been stopped in real life. Which the movie seems pretty real, up to that point.

It also kind of sweeps under the rug all the problems their marriage have, and I guess is willing to ignore them. Sure, he seemed to stop trying. But why should he have had to go crawling back because she cheated on him? Why does the guy always move out?

Not to mention the part right after the graduation where there’s some possible sex offender stuff going on.

Remember kids, not all sex offenders are creepy. But all creepy adults are sex offenders.

Overall, the movie is probably the perfect mix of cute and sexy.

I will ask the question everyone is thinking first. Does Denzel Washington have a secret train love?

He probably likes to pretend he is actually part of the trains.

First I reviewed The Taking of Pelham 123, and now this, Unstoppable. Denzel was some NYC conductor like person, and in this one he is just a driver. Been working 20 some years, being forced into early retirement. Almost reminds me of John Q.

Also there is Chris Pine, while not Kirk, he is a Conductor of the train with Denzel, and thus I will now call him Captain. Thanks to a bumbling Ethan Suplee (who the movie makes way too big of a bad guy for “simple mistakes”) a train half a mile long accidentally gets set in motion (with the throttle on, meaning it gains speed, or something) and with no real way to stop it. Breaks out. Shit is going to happen in Southern Pennsylvania.

The movie starts pretty slow, with initial tries to stop the, at the time, slowly moving train. Rosario Dawson is at the command center and only working with idiots. The train also has a whole bunch of bad chemicals on it that could wipe out people. You know normal stuff.

So the movie is about how two normal people end up somehow preventing a train from becoming a big disaster. Based on true events, yet also widely exaggerated. Not a traditional action movie, but more of a suspense action at how they are going to stop the runaway train. And that story is pretty cool.

It was just a great story overall. I was definitely very interested in the outcome, despite knowing what would happen. But how would it happen? Blah blah blah, I’ve said stuff like that before. Also you know, it could have taken out their families. So they had extra reasons to go above and beyond the call of duty.

“I am NOT going to bury my [daughters]! My [daughters] are going to bury me [and all my hundreds of pieces if this goes wrong]”

The Joneses, if not being a title hard to say, is a look of post apocalyptic life in the suburbs.

Or at least that is what I assume. I expect the apocalypse to be a rather tame event.

The Joneses are a new family that move to a upper rich suburban neighborhood. But not only that, they are pretty darn cool. They have the latest gadgets and gizmos, cars and purses, technology and style. Steve Jones, the dad lead by David Duchovny is making so many new friends. But is something not the way it should be?!

Besides Duchovny not banging everything in site?

It turns out that everything is a lie. In a pseudo Stepford Wives / Truman Show manner, they are merely salesmen and women pretending to be a happy family in order to sell product. They work for a bigger company that just works on ad sales, so when they have new awesome things and get other people to buy them, they earn more money for the company. Demi Moore, the wife, is actually the head of the unit and Duchovny is just a new guy. Their children are played by (I can say that in both ways) Amber Heard and Ben Hollingsworth.

So yes, the whole point of the movie is more or less about exploiting the rich with a more subliminal advertising method. But it is definitely better than that. Duchovny isn’t as adapted to the acting/tricking lifestyle, so he develops real relationships with people, like his “Wife” and Gary Cole, his neighbor.

Who recently made it big selling suspenders after his office burned down.

The ending unfortunately is way too preachy, and you can already tell where it is going. Not necessarily the events, but what the preachiness is about. It felt super forced. It had a happier ending, I guess. But definitely didn’t like it yelling at me in the process.

Wow. If there is anything to say about this movie, it is that Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale is definitely a refreshingly original movie, that I had no idea what to expect.

The movie takes place in way north Finland, the Lapland area. A small village is preparing to herd a whole mess of Reindeer into gates, so they can sell the meat and fur around the world. At the same time, an American man is leading an expedition on the nearby mountain, digging for something. That something?

Santa.

“Why the fuck would I be buried? Don’t you see me in this field with these kids? Alone? Hmmm…”

Santa?! Yes. Two local boys spy on them and find out that this mountain may actually be Santa’s grave? Unfortunately, the main boy does more research and the Santa is actually nothing like the “Coca Cola Santa,” but actually a much more sinister being. Instead of rewarding good kids, he instead punished the bad ones and stole them away at night to eat them. Oh shi-.

But really. Finnish Santa lore had the Santa stealing the bad kids. He may give good ones presents. But at least one person around Christmas would dress up as Santa (complete with Fur and Horns, mind you) and scare the bad kids. Apparently parents would reward Santa with Alcohol too, which just means the last kids house, if he was bad, would probably suck.

Anyways. The day before Christmas, the main kid discovers that all the other children in the town are missing! The the reindeer herd only consisted of about two Reindeer, as the other 100 or so were found slaughtered.

I will stop describing the plot now, for sake of giving it away. But lets just say, this is a crazy interesting movie. There is a lot more naked man penises than I thought, and a scene similar to the Eurotrip beach scene almost. These are actually based off of two shorts (by the same Director), Rare Exports Inc and Rare Exports: The Official Safety Instructions. Both are complete on youtube. Yes, most of the movie is also in Finnish, so you will have to read subtitled.

Parts of the ending may have felt anti-climatic, but I will blame that on budget. I actually understood the ending even better thanks to watching the youtube videos after. If you watch them before, most of it is spoiled. But hey, you probably aren’t going to see this movie anyways. The name is obviously dumb, but it makes sense in a way. This movie also has zero female characters. Similarly, it is a very creepy overall movie, and it is a dark comedy at best. If you watch it before your friends, you may get cult classic movie points later in life.

Yep. Finnish “Santa” is way more creepier than “Coca Cola Santa.”

3 out of 4.

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