Tag: 3 out of 4

As you all know, I am a patriotic American, so if there is a movie out there that will increase my patriotism, by golly, I will see it!

Not that I needed any more convincing to see Olympus Has Fallen. I love a lot of the actors in this movie, even though certain male leads may be pushing out a lot of crap in a row. But hey, this looks like Die Hard meets the White House! That is especially good news given out A Good Day To Die Hard turned out.

Arguably, both this and Die Hard 5 are going to be political. Probably. Mike Banning (Gerard Butler) used to be the best secret service agent there was, working for President Benjamin Asher (Aaron Eckhart). Unfortunately, after leaving Camp David on a snowy night, his limo hits a bridge and they are only able to save the President, not his wife. Mike didn’t do anything wrong, but the President just doesn’t want to be reminded of his dead wife every time he sees him.

Few years later, he now is stuck with some desk job. Can’t shoot anyone in the office (legally), damn it! He still relives that night, and his long term lady friend (Radha Mitchell) can’t seem to help him.

But unfortunately today is a day where everything will hit the fan. A fighter plane is able to make it into the DC airspace, and begins to open fire on the white house while the President has the South Korean Prime Minister under his care. But in the panic room, it turns out not everything is as expected. Surprise, North Korea is behind all of this! Not only have they locked the President and Vice President in the panic room, but they have taken over the building as well, and have pretty egregious demands for the country that they are holding hostage. Clearly only one man is good enough to save the day here.

Featuring Rick Yune as the bad guy, Morgan Freeman as the Speaker of the House and now acting president, Melissa Leo and Angela Bassett as government women, and Dylan McDermott as an also former secret service agent.

 

Honestly, to me this looks like they are just dancing. Sometimes you can get an idea that is so crazy, so wild, that it works on some grandiose scale, and I believe that is what is happening with Olympus Has Fallen. It is action packed (after the icy intro and set up) and entertaining. Sure, you can probably figure out how everything is going to end before its through, but that doesn’t even matter in this movie.

That’s right, no real big surprise twists! I think if the entire point of a movie is a twist at the end, it really loses its potential to watch it again for fun (unless you are watching with new people). That means Olympus Has Fallen is rewatchable!

Now there are some pretty dumb characters. I think the President is a moron, but at least he is a bit hard assed. Part of the conflict involves getting three passwords from three individuals, through torture! The President has the last password, and orders the other two to give up their own because there is “no way” he would ever give his up. You know, to stop their torture. Gee, I guess he didn’t realize that they will probably just torture his friends to get the password out of him, since it basically worked two times in a row.

But this movie is about Gerard Butler kicking ass, and damn it, he does. Nice fights, guns, explosions, and a high body count. This movie was so great that I am no longer looking forward to White House Down. When there are two similar movies within a few months of each other, one of them will always outshine the other. I don’t think there has ever been a situation where both have been amazing, but at least the other one has Jaime Foxx playing the President.

3 out of 4.

An Evil Dead remake is something that has been talked about for a long time. Heck, theoretically, Evil Dead 2 was a remake of The Evil Dead, in a way. Continuity and all be damned! But everyone knew this was going to happen for the last decade, and like everything kind of involving Sam Raimi, it took its sweet time.

After all, he has mentioned remaking it himself. Or adding a sequel. Or making a movie off the musical (which is fantastic). Just nothing happened with any of that, until now. But this isn’t Raimi’s film, this is someone elses. Can they do what he hoped to accomplish with the first Evil Dead, with a higher budget?

With some more “real actors” too, instead of just his college buddies?

Oh hey look, the movie begins before the actual plot. That is nice. Get your sacrifices on yo.

Much later, we have a cabin in the woods with a work shed. Mmm, work sheds. We have Mia (Jane Levy), out of Michigan St, with her friends, a nurse Olivia (Jessica Lucas), and high school teacher Eric (Lou Taylor Pucci). But they are waiting for her brother, David (Shiloh Fernandez) to get there. That asshat is late. Eventually he shows up with his girlfriend Natalie (Elizabeth Blackmore) and they are ready to start their stay in the family cabin!

But why? It’s old and decrepit. It also smells bad. Well it turns out that Mia is there with her friends and family for one main reason. To quit using hard drugs cold turkey. No matter what, they can’t let her leave, no matter how much she begs and pleads, and makes up excuses. I think you know where this is going.

It turns out the unbearable smell is coming from the basement, which is full of dead animals, burn marks, and a book wrapped up in barb wire and trash bags.

Then you know. Shit goes down.

Including everyone’s favorite Evil Dead cliche, tree rape!

Hey! Do you like blood and gore and outrageous scenes of decapitation and demonized people? Well, hopefully you do, since you are thinking about watching an Evil Dead movie. I think this film has everything that the first film wanted to do, which is great, because it was the goal and all. There is some sick fucking shit in this movie, and I definitely felt uneasy, but hey, that’s the point of this movie.

I love that there is little to no CGI in this movie, and that all the effects are done with make-up work and prosthetics. It makes it feel more real, and thus more gross.

Certain staples in the first and second Evil Dead made it into this film too, but they were not used the same way. I loved that the film was able to keep me guessing as to how all the events would go down. Hell, even the trailer did a good job of not spoiling everything, although it did feature scenes that did not make it into the movie. Probably a good thing in my eyes. They might be in the unrated version of the film, aka the version that originally was given an NC-17. Yikes.

Right now the current rumor for the future of this franchise is between two ideas. This current updated version is probably in the same universe as the beloved 80s version, and will either have a sequel or be a trilogy. If it is just a sequel, there is rumors that there will be an Army of Darkness 2 starring Bruce Campbell, then a 7th movie overall connecting the survivors of this franchise with Bruce in a final final film. I personally doubt we see an Army Of Darkness 2 (see earlier comments on Sam Raimi), so I think they will do the trilogy route then have the 7th connecting film. But hey, we will see. They could make surprise me and make me as giddy as a school girl.

Did I mention this scared the piss out of me?

Don’t forget to watch the entire credits!

3 out of 4.

Spring Break: a time for debauchery and nakedness! That is what I learned about it at least when I was growing up in the 90s, watching MTV six week specials. Seemed like the best time of everyone’s life, no worries, just party. Even Andrew W.K. would probably approve, although for different reasons.

But what if Spring Break itself offers some even darker and deeper undertones about society and the filth we ignore? That’s right. Spring Breakers is a movie with a message, and not just an R Rated Teen Sex-Venture. That means you have to get on your thinking (or artsy) caps before viewing!

But I will give you a minute alone first without your hat on if you’d like.

Four girls are from who knows where, USA. They are in college, lower middle class, and bored during spring break. They wanted to go to Florida, to live it up, to experience life outside of their normal boring mundane existence, to escape for once, but they just can’t as they have no where close to enough money. Until three of them decide to rob a local cafe, gain hundreds in cash, and go on the trip of a lifetime that is.

Faith (Selena Gomez), the morally sound one did not participate in the robbery, but still participated in its gains. Candy (Vanessa Hudgens) and Brit (Ashley Benson) perpetrated the crime with a mallet and a fake pistol, while Cotty (Rachel Korine) was their getaway driver. Drugs may have been involved as well.

But hey, whatever, Spring Break forever! Well, it turns out Florida isn’t just a party central where white privileged individuals can get their party on and do whatever they want. There can be consequences as well. Partying too hard gets them arrested, and they don’t have the funds to bail out of jail. Thankfully, a local, Alien (James Franco) is willing to lend a hand. But does he have ulterior motives (outside of hot girls needing some help) for them? Also starring Gucci Mane as another drug king pin in the area.

Let James Francos grill and corn rows sink in a bit before you continue.

Here is a plead. Don’t watch this movie without an open mind. That is all you need, I think, to maybe get something out of it.

The director is not a standard one, and the movie will maybe feel disjumbled and out of order (because it partially is). There is a huge lack of dialogue in terms of actual conversation between characters. Most of it can be heard as monologues during the events in the film. But a movie can have plot without dialogue — it can still tell a story.

Sure, there is a lot of repetition and not being sure of when certain events are occurring, but they aren’t that hard to get through. The music in the movie is there to help guide your journey, perhaps imitating a drug fueled trip on its own as our leading ladies experience the same.

But is that the point of the movie? Maybe. Depends on what you take out from it.

Personally, I think the point the director is trying to make is that white privilege is a real thing, college aged girls can basically get away with murder and still live out their lives, while other people of color or lower incomes are stuck where they come from and can never escape in America. Yeah, that is a pretty intense statement for a movie about Spring Break.

James Franco acted the hell out of his role, something I have never seen him in before. I am just mad he didn’t have that much passion (or creepiness) in Oz The Great and Powerful. He must have an On/Off switch somewhere. Don’t worry, this movie still features lots of naked women and dancing, if that’s what you want. It also had its problems, I only really knew one of the girls actual names in the movie, and couldn’t really tell Brit and Candy apart.

Most importantly, I think this movie offers something different than your normal cinema fare, and that excites me. It isn’t perfect, but I sure as hell think essays can be written about it later. Just not by me, I am experiencing my own post-Spring Break slothiness.

3 out of 4.

Again, with the random Redbox rentals, I usually try to find something that might give me a good review. Shitty movies can lead to great reviews, so picking things I’ve never heard of can be amazing. That is what happened with 1313 Cougar Cult. But with The Loved Ones, it looked like a random prom based horror. Could be hilarious accidentally. Not to mention it is foreign. Australia? Heck yes.

I mean, she is cute I guess. Kind of creepy with the power tool.

Prom is a wonderful time for everyone, except maybe those who don’t get dates. Take Lola (Robin McLeavy), she is a nice girl, but a bit lonely. She tries to ask out Brent (Xavier Samuel), but he turns her down. Not for any malicious reason, but because he has a girlfriend Holly (Victoria Thaine). Makes sense, no harm no fowl.

Well, unless you are Lola. She isn’t a fan of that. When Brent is on a self hike in Australia, he finds himself knocked out, and yes, awakening in a house, tied to a chair. Oh joy! Oh hey, he is in a tuxedo now, and Lola is there, in a dress. What in the hell?

Looks like he is indeed going to prom with Lola, and her crazy family, but prom is now going to be inside. Her dad (John Brumpton) is there to help with the festivities, and grandma to be all weirdly lobotomized and awkward. Can Brent escape from the date from hell, before he get tortured to death in this hell house?

It is important to note that not everyone has a bad prom night. His good friend Jamie (Richard Wilson) asks out a hot goth chick Mia (Jessica McNamee) and has the time of his life. She has a missing brother too. Interesting indeed.

This is what you get for not cheating on your long term serious girlfriend.

I know what you are thinking. This film is stupid. Well, thankfully I am here to tell you that it is much better than the plot makes it see.

It is kind of a torture porn, featuring one guy, but some serious fucked shit ends up happening, including that power drill, and a few attempts at escape. But really it is an interesting and kind of unique stuff happens. The ending basically blew my mind, when the secrets of the family and her past issues came to fruition.

But it is also easy to feel uncomfortable during this movie. Lot of screaming, and slow pain. The best pain? Not sure.

I wouldn’t call this a scary horror, jut uncomfortable. But there are also some comedic elements thrown in to break the tension at important points. I will put this under the win column for random foreign Red Box films.

3 out of 4.

Supernatural Teen Romance is a genre now, in case you missed it. Yes, it existed before Twilight, but Twilight really made it take off in a big way. I think it even has its own sections in book stores now. Unfortunately, that means everything will then be compared to Twilight if it has supernatural romance in it, which is of course silly. Twilight is a straight up Drama Romance, while something like Warm Bodies is a Comedy Romance (but not a RomCom).

Beautiful Creatures seems to fall somewhere in between the two.

Don’t be so scared guy, it is just a witch dinner.

This film takes place in Gatlin, South Carolina, which means two things – Southern Accents, and the Bible Belt. This town is the location of a small civil war battle, but that is the only thing it has to its name, so the town celebrates the reenactment every year. Ethan Wate (Alden Ehrenreich) loves to read and learn, separating him from most of the locals. Of course when a girl from a recluse family moves back to town, they all assume she is a devil worshiper and bad news.

Ethan doesn’t care, she reads books too, so she is perfect. Who cares if Lena (Alice Englert) actually ends up being a witch? A witch who doesn’t know if she will be good or evil until her 16th birthday, you know, when all female witches have it chosen for them, based on their “True self”. Why just the women and not men? Not sure, sexism probably. Can he handle a woman with powers, and her family (Uncle = Jeremy Irons, Cousin = Emmy Rossum, and mother) forcing her in different directions?

Also featuring Thomas Mann as normal best friend, Emma Thompson as his super religious mother, and Viola Davis as his guardian/librarian friend. After all, a story needs normal people in as well, or else we have nothing to make fun of!

I think he looks like an older Eddie Munster. Does that add to the supernatural feel?

Beautiful Creatures is of course based on the novel, and from what I can tell, if you like the novel, you might hate this movie! Like all great book to film transitions, things change, and frankly I don’t care how different it is from the book, because I like what I saw.

The main two leads are relatively new to the movie scene and I haven’t seen them in anything personally, but I loved them both. Alden made me laugh almost every time he talked, and not just because of his strong accent combined with “smart people” words. Alice and Alden had great chemistry together, and despite being a quick teen romance, I found it believable.

The movie had its issues of course, sometimes it felt like it had B-movie special effects, and it definitely was predictable at parts. I am confused at why they cast Kyle Gallner as the brother, who looks far too much like Robert Pattinson. That is just asking for more Twilight comparisons.

More impressively, the “dinner scene” was done almost entirely without CGI, a rarity in movies these days, and pretty dang impressive in general. I say give it a chance, and try not to get lost in the paper thin religious towns people.

3 out of 4.

If you saw the trailer for Side Effects, you probably found yourself confused. It tells you practically nothing; something about pills, a doctor/therapist/pharmacist getting in trouble, and maybe someone dying. There really isn’t enough here to convince the average person to check out the film. But what if “mysterious” is what the movie was going for? A trailer for a few weeks many months away, then nothing, and let the lack of any ads drive people in droves to figure it all out.

Yeah. That’s a terrible strategy.

No amount of thinking will make this a good strategy, Jude.

Emily Taylor (Rooney Mara) is a lonely woman. She used to suffer pretty hard from depression. Why? Because her husband (Channing Tatum) was sent off to jail for four years for insider trading.

Well he is finally back and they can get their life back on track and everything will be great again! Right?! Wrong! Bam, Emily crashes her car on purpose and sent to the hospital. There she meets Dr. Jonathan Banks (Jude Law), who reluctantly lets her back home despite the attempt on her own life, but only if she will come to therapy sessions a few days a week and take some anti-depression pills.

But every pill has its own side effects associated with it, which could lead to irrational behavior and other strange issues. Also featuring Vinessa Shaw as girlfriend of Dr. Banks, and Catherine Zeta-Jones as her former psychiatrist.

“I just don’t understand doc, what’s wrong with sticking your dick in crazy?”

Hopefully you noticed I still tried to keep the plot description vague, because frankly, it helps. Going in to see this movie, I knew nothing, which is how I prefer to watch films anyways. I am glad the trailer was vague and didn’t give the entire movie away. So I tried to keep the favor for you readers, but give you a bit more detail to hopefully spark some interest. Because, as it turns out, Side Effects is pretty darn good!

Not only is it directed by Steven Soderbergh (Who has given us the Ocean’s Trilogy, The Informant!“, and “Magic Mike“. Okay, one of those doesn’t belong), but it is apparently going to be his last film for awhile. Officially, he is retiring, but I am sure that within a decade he will be back.  The only person to successfully quit the film industry has been Rick Moranis.

Side Effects is more than a simple “Who Dunnit” story by focusing more on the why and the how. Throw in some ethical debates about the role of doctors and medicine, and you might also earn a minor in philosophy by the time the movie is through. While watching the movie, I found myself getting angry in the best way possible. I was mad at the events happening on screen, at the loopholes and the needs for a scapegoat, but most importantly I was mad that it was incredibly realistic. The actual events in the movie I don’t think would ever happen in real life, but the reactions to those events were so spot on, I almost did a little “This is what’s wrong with the country!” rant in my head.

If you want to have some emotion evoked in your movie watching experience, I suggest checking out Side Effects. Give Steven Sonderbergh a reason to come back to film in a few years.

3 out of 4.

My quest to see The Master has been a long and lonesome journey. I guess with a name like The Master, it is kind of hard to NOT have a quest.

But this came out to the theaters before I had a chance to go to all the new ones, it never went to the cheap theater, and it doesn’t come out until the week AFTER the Academy Awards. No, this picture wasn’t nominated for Best Picture, but it was nominated for 3 of the 4 Best Actor/Actress/Supporting categories, making it just as important. Gosh, why did it have to make me go to such unsavory methods to see the film?

At least Amour has a BP nomination, so I can see it through one of those movie theater marathons.

Oh shit, you are a charismatic looking man. I guess if you tell me to like the movie, I will.

Sex. Sex. Sex. Some people can’t get enough of it. Take young Freddie Quell (Joaquin Phoenix) for instance. He just got out of the navy, maybe a discharge. Loves the sex. Loves the drinking. Kind of a lost soul after the navy, no one loves him. Might have accidentally poisoned a guy too, whoops.

But then he finds a boat, wakes up on it not sure why he is there. Bunch of weirdos though, talkin’ ’bout The Cause. Lancaster Dodd (Philip Seymour Hoffman) is the captain of this here boat, and he is willing to take Freddie on. Just might do some testing on him, some personal questions to get into his core. He probed really deep.

Freddie finds himself attracted to Lancaster’s charismatic ways and agrees to stay on board and help him spread his message. A cult? Maybe, yes, but what else does he have going on?

Lancaster thinks he can help Freddie, cure him of his addictions to sex and alcohol, while Freddie is just looking for a place to fit in. But can he change? Just who is The Master anyways?

Also feautring Amy Adams as Lancaster’s wife, Ambyr Childers as his daughter, and Jesse Plemons as his son.

“You know what would make this morning go better? Some sex and alcohol.”

Before I saw The Master, I was pretty dang certain that Christoph Waltz would win the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor. He was amazing in Django Unchained, he was a main actor in that movie, and there is no way that Philip Seymour Hoffman would have done better.

Well… I am not as sure anymore. PSH was excellent in this movie (and again, arguably just as important as Joaquin Phoenix). The scenes for everyone were really well acted, I just think PSH stood above the rest. There are so many examples of fine acting in this movie, the most famous of which will be the first “questioning session” between the two. Not a Doctor Who reference, but the not blinking scene? Great. I mean, yes, I am annoyed that there was blinking anyways, took a bit of it away, but still a pretty great scene. I also loved his reaction to the individual who was calling him a cult leader. Fantastic.

The Master has layers upon layers of potential themes you can take away from them, so I will not spend the time to go over any of them. Really, the movie is what you make of it. I know I am going to see it again, at least once, to try and get an overall better grasp.

Just some minor nitpicky things would prevent me from giving it the big score.

3 out of 4.

Hooray, my 700th review, and a new chapter to my Milestone reviews! I promised about fifty review ago that my 700th review would be an indepth analysis of R. Kelly‘s Trapped In The Closet. This wouldn’t be the first time I promised something and didn’t fully deliver, so I am not too upset.

Basically, I had no idea how I wanted to write this review. As of right now, there are 33 chapters to this thing. If I actually wanted to do the real analysis, for all of it, it would be the longest thing I’ve wrote on here. TOO long. It would take a lot of time too, and well, I’d rather have all of these finished within 2 hours personally.

So I figure this will just be the first part of many for the Trapped In The Closet series. Videos have been (so far) released in four parts, but I figure dividing it into 3 is better.

Not to leave you poor saps hanging, here are links to the first 12 Chapters, in four parts. (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4). You have 40 minutes? Watch this shit right now. Seen it before? Watch it again. I think it goes without saying that this will be FULL of Spoilers.

Chapters 1-3…

The first five chapters set the entire series in motion as they were the original bundle. Not as many actors involved, but it keeps the rhythmic beat throughout it setting the tone for the rest of the Hip Hopera.

We get to meet Sylvester (Kelly) finding himself in a strange place, apparently having cheated on his wife with another woman Cathy (LeShay Tomlinson). Cathy, well, she cheated on her husband Rufus (Rolando Boyce) as well. Just a lot of people making bad decisions.

Like oversleeping. Kelly finds himself in the damn closet because the husband is home early, and knows what up. Too bad he finds Sylvester and Sylverster pulls out his gun! Guns solve problems of disputes, especially ones like this. But when Rufus reveals his secret that he has been cheating too, it just makes sense. The fact that it is with a dude, Chuck (Malik Middleton)? That is where the fan gets covered with shit. Sylverster is just stuck there, watching it all crumble. For whatever reason, even though he can easily leave, he chooses to watch it fall down. But eventually he gets sick of this shit, calls his home, and oh snap. A man picked up his phone!

Even Priests can get mad. Rufus so mad.

Chapters 4-7…

Shit Sylvester. You better get home, now that you are super damn mad. But not speeding. That is ridiculous. Look at you, getting a speeding ticket in the middle of your song. Come on guy, fix your shit.

He gets home, and well, there is just his wife Gwendolyn (Cat Wilson). Who was that man? Apparently her brother Twan, whatever. So they have sex, Sylvester bitches out, cramped leg, but finds a condom. Oh snap, bitches be lyin’!

So after another argument, and realization that everyone in the world cheats on everyone, he gets to hear the bombshell. That cop that pulled him over was her lover! Whaaaaaaat!

Originally after that, the series was over, and after Chapter 5, the series takes a few new twists and lyrical turns.

For whatever reason, the cop (Michael Kenneth Williams) comes back and pulls out his gun. Recurring themes and all. They fight for awhile, and shoot a gun. Then there is some missleading awkwardness for half a song, not saying anything about it. Somehow, there is a wild Twan (Eric Lane) on the ground! But don’t worry, he was in prison. He is fine, they kick the cop out of the house, and oh shit, Rosy the Nosy Neighbor (LaDonna Tittle).

With. A. Fucking. Spatula! In Her hand! How does that do anything about them guns!?

Chapters 8-11…

Well, now that THAT is all taken care of, everyone can be happy because everyone was cheated on. Let’s go see what the police officer is doing. Because Rosy isn’t exciting right now.

He gets home. OH SHIT HE HAS A WIFE TOO. SHE IS WHITE. A WHITE WIFE. A WHITE LITTLE BIT BIGGER WIFE. First white person of the series actually, and she is southern, despite it all being R. Kelly’s voice. Bridget (Rebecca Field) is all nervous too. Oh no, here we go again. SHE HAS BEEN CHEATING TOO.

EVERYONE IS CHEATING ON EVERYONE. SO MUCH SEX. But the man she cheated on him with is still in the house too, just not in the closet.

Good old copper finds the man under the sink. A midget. Bridget, with midget. A MIDGET. NAMED BIG MAN (Drevon Cooks). WHY? BECAUSE HE IS BLESSED.

So instead of working it out, people pull out guns. Bridget calls the random number she found in her husbands wallet, and hey look, its Gwen. So we get a big old Mexican stand off going on here. Not only that, but Bridget is pregnant. From the midget, not the cop.

This gets so crazy, they just leave right then and there. Fuck a resolution, let them handle their own shit. Twan and Sylverster can’t handle any of it.

Good old stripping midgets, knocking up the white women.

Chapter 12…

Fuck this chapter. No, seriously. By far the most pointless chapter in the series. Pointless and annoying to listen to. Did I mention pointless?

This whole chapter is a phone call between Cathy and Gwen. We found out they were friends, making Cathy even more of a bitch. The whole conversation is of the two talking about the shit that went down. Eventually Cathy realizes she was with Gwens husband, admits it, and that is it.

That. Is. IT! Then it was done, for two years. This lack of any sort of cliffhanger bullshit was how it ended for 2 whole years. It is just infuriating, given that we already knew everything in that chapter.

“Bitch, you were my friend!”

How can you describe a a movie as perfect as these 11 chapters with a shitty chapter tacked onto the end? Honestly, it is hard to describe it.

But if it does its duty, the tune will be stuck in your head for days. Maybe making your own rhymes to boot. Afterall, it was a pretty big deal. It got a South Park parody, and a Weird Al parody too. But even better, R. Kelly makes a fool of himself to make you laugh, and it works.

Just wait for part 2. Or watch them on your own on youtube. But in part 2, we get less cheating, and more fleshing out of characters. More new characters too, half of which are played by R. Kelly, channeling his inner Eddie Murphy.

Also, if you overall hate the first 12 chapters, you are literally Hitler.

3 out of 4.

Good news everyone! I am now officially willing to watch horror movies. Do I still cringe like a little girl when I see them? Yes. But I can usually control my outer composer enough to make it through without tears.

With that said, most horrors I will probably find scary, so it might not be too strong of a statement when I say that Mama was the scariest movie I have seen this year. Especially since in these few weeks I have only seen one horror movie.

Right off the bat, this movie is a world of NOPE.

Mama begins during the financial crisis of a few years ago. It really put the hurt on certain families, driving their bread winners to suicidal behavior. In this case, the father has just killed his wife and kidnapped his two daughters, speeding away on icy roads. Well, he crashes, because that is what icy roads do. Luckily, they all survive and they are able to find an abandoned cabin in the woods. The oldest daughter Victoria (Megan Charpentier) can talk, but has broken her glasses, and the youngest daughter, Lilly (Isabelle Nelisse) is still a toddler.

But a mysterious super natural force decides that the father is a deadbeat, kills him, and looks after the kids. Five years later, their uncle Lucas (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) finally finds them and they are all sorts of messed up. After some time with a therapist (Daniel Kash), they are released into his care with his girlfriend, Annabel (Jessica Chastain), in a sweet new house so they can study their behavior.

Surely the evil spirit will be happy to see the kids in loving real hands, right?

Bonus points to this movie for not parading Jessica in only revealing clothing.

As expected, yes, I found this movie scary. Guillermo del Toro was the executive producer, and you can really see his influence on the movie. For the most part, the camera work was top notch for setting up the scenes and making the whole movie seem eerily beautiful.

I loved the “cold open” of the movie, jumping straight into the action, but also letting full opening credits come in a bit later.

Most horrors have a problem where they lose a bit of the fear when they actually show a clear view of the monster, and unfortunately for Mama this is still true. In fact, if I wasn’t so afraid, I would probably find her a bit comical in nature.

It is also interesting to see Jessica Chastain in a movie like this, where she plays a dark haired slacker who doesn’t know how to raise kids, when her normal roles involve over achievers and perfectionists.

Finally, I loved the ending of the movie. The final scenes were set up so nicely and it had me guessing until the end. The plot didn’t entirely make sense to me, but I don’t think they cared at that point of the movie. I also doubt there will be any sequels to this franchise, which is a bonus is my mind.

3 out of 4.

Sometimes the UK scares me. But usually that is just when it comes to TV shows. It isn’t a normal like or hate relationship, it is more a like or “I don’t understand what the hell is going on, so I am just going to doodle while it happens until it is done, then never watch it again, because I am confused and I don’t understand what the hell is going on, so I am just going to doodle while it happens until it is done.”

It is really a 50/50 type of situation. Thus my initial fear of watching The Pirates! Band Of Misfits.

“Bitches don’t know about my swaaaaaaaaaaaaaag. And I mean swag in its real definition. I have a pile of gold in the hull.”

Set somewhere in the 1800s, Great Britain has taken over much of the world. But Queen Victoria (Imelda Staunton) doesn’t control the West Indies! Fucking Pirates are there!

This includes The Pirate Captain (Hugh Grant) the piratiest pirate that ever pirated. So much that he is going to inter Pirate of the Year, and win it for once! The only problem is, I lied. There are much better pirates out there. Including Black Bellamy (Jeremy Piven). Heck, The Pirate Captain hasn’t even gained any loot this last year. Just some ham. What is a pirate without loot?

So he starts a raidin’ and a plunderin’ but nothing seems to work. None of the rich boats are coming out to his area. When he goes for just one last boat, he is disappointed to find out that it is just Charles Darwin (David Tennant). According to him and his man-ape servant, the Pirate Captain’s parrot is actually a Do-do bird, long thought to have been extinct!

But apparently with these science shenanigans, there is a potential for real money. But they have to go to London first, a scary anti-pirate place. Hmm, I am sure it wont be a big issue, and no one will have to put their morals in check. Lets not forget his trusty crew, including The Pirate with a Scarf (Martin Freeman), The Pirate with Gout (Brendan Gleeson), The Pirate Who Likes Sunsets and Kittens (Ben Whitehead), The Albino Pirate (Russell Tovey) and The Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate (Ashley Jensen).

Going back to my earlier fears, I have never seen a Wallace and Gromit movie. Wallace just looks way too British. So the only reason I went this way was because of scurvy jokes, boy did it deliver.

The writing for Pirates was beyond clever, full of jokes and other smaller pop culture references. Heck, it even had a soundtrack full of real modern songs, including most of Flight of the Conchords “I’m Not Crying“. Damn, son.

I also didn’t completely hate the form of stop motion like I thought I would, another definite plus. Not sure if this is going to win best Animated Picture, but it certainly was a damn good one for 2012. I mean, Ham Night. Ham Night guys.

3 out of 4.