Tag: 3 out of 4

Day 2 of Yay Women Week. I think it works as a theme title, so I have decided to keep it.

Everly came out a couple weeks ago and I picked it to review from both a suggestion and because it looked like it offered something different. I haven’t gotten to do the weirder movies as much as I had wanted recently and it is always good to shoehorn my viewings into the schedule. I blame the fact that too many movies hit theaters clearly. We should just cut out a third of them and make it so they were never made. Everyone would be happier, and more weird shit could get reviewed. Like, when is the last time I watched a shitty sex comedy B-Movie?? Exactly.

Everly is not that, although it does get suggestive at some points. I think the only thing that keeps Everly from qualifying as some sort of exploitation movie is the fact that the lead star people actually recognize.

Ah yes, the star of Fools Rush In.

GUNS AND NAKEDNESS. BANG BANG BOOM. SCREAMING.

That’s how we enter the bathroom of this apartment, where Everly (Salma Hayek) is beaten and freaking out. But hey, she has hidden a gun in her toilet, which she is able to claim and kill several men in her apartment. Da fuq?

Everly is a prostitute apparently. She lives in a complex with a lot of other prostitutes, working for one criminal overlord Taiko (Hiroyuki Watanabe). For whatever reason, he has sent men to kill her. That didn’t work. Guess he is going to have to offer a cash reward to the building to take her out.

This includes other prostitutes, other assassins, some sick motherfuckers, and the boss himself if it comes down to it.

Everly, mostly on her own, just wants to survive and leave the building. And to get in contact with her mother (Laura Cepeda) and daughter (Aisha Ayamah)!! who also end up at the place. Oh fuck.

And then some more guns and violence and guns. And a sadist (Togo Igawa).

Guns a blazin’, and we aren’t talking about the one with the bullets.

Arguably, there is not a lot going on in this movie plot wise. But neither did The Raid: Redemption. It also drops your off RIGHT in the middle of a bunch of shit going down and it makes you keep up. A very hectic movie, constantly moving, with a lot of fucked up scenes.

That is the TL;DR I guessed. It is actually quite lowly rated on IMDB. Surprisingly so. I think that it is just because it is a weird and non standard movie, most people just shrug it off immediately. One of those, “Well, it wasn’t in theaters, so it must suck and can’t win awards!”. One of those is true. No awards will be won.

But will you be entertained? Highly probably. If not you will be just grossed out and kind of hate it. I guess it could go either way.

If you think it is the type of thing that sounds exciting, you will in fact enjoy this movie. If you are iffy, then definitely don’t watch it. You will probably hate it. Simple enough!

3 out of 4.

What up Pitches!!

First of all, I accidentally themed this week. I present to you, Yay Women Week. It should be self explanatory.

I was excited for Pitch Perfect, for like, the year before it came out when I first heard about it. I love it when people make music with their mouths. And I liked a lot of the people in it.

So of course I was excited about Pitch Perfect 2. Well, assuming they had a plot that made sense. I was excited about the additions to the cast and the fact that Elizabeth Banks was directing. But I didn’t understand why certain cast members, who should be gone and out of the picture, have returned.

Rawr. Don’t make a nonsensical movie for familiarity sake! It is a big problem with high school and college movies or shows. I am looking at you Glee. You needed to let your members move on not take it away from high school.

But again, I will forgive it if the plot makes sense. But only then.

Or if I really like the music. That trumps a lot of potential bad other things.

The Bellas are back, Bitches! Like literally, most of them are still on the team (Anna Kendrick, Rebel Wilson, Hana Mae Lee, Ester Dean, Alexis Knapp, Shelley Regner, Kelley Jakle) and even Chloe (Brittany Snow) who refuses to graduate. The only newish member is Flo (Chrissie Fit), who is an immigrant and thus fulfills a lot of new joke material, offensive or otherwise.

Three years later, this is their senior year, and they totally won the next two years of competition too. However, while doing a nationally televised performance, some bad things happen, and the Acapella committee is going to disband their group to make sure everyone knows that things are bad. They can’t recruit, they can’t compete in the national title, nada.

Well, apparently every four years, there is a world competition though. And the winner of the American National always gets to go the next year, so they at least get that right. And sure, if they win, they can keep their team. If you follow the film time line, that means the Treble Makers would have competed in it the year Aubrey (Anna Camp) blew chucks, but you know, continuity things. They do get a new member in Emily (Hailee Steinfeld), because her mom was a Bella. She likes to sing her own music.

So there you go, a very simple plot. Beat all the other countries at singing, especially those very sexy, very well choreographed and amazing German singers in Das Sound Machine (Birgitte Hjort Sørensen, Flula Borg). Oh, but maybe there is more? Maybe Beca also has to worry about her life after college and actually becoming a music producer with intense internships? Yeah, jobs are still important!

And you know, this movie features a shit ton of people. Of course John Michael Higgins, Skylar Astin, Ben Platt and Adam DeVine. But also Katey Sagal and Keegan-Michael Key! And some of the Tonehangers with new people! And other cameos I don’t want to spoil or tag! And that Pentatonix group! And the Green Bay Packers!

I assume everyone in this picture is Aaron Rodgers.

I am officially flooded with actors, I think I can avoid tagging anyone in my next two.

Let me start off by saying that I am a bit disappointed that I didn’t get to give this a 4 out of 4. So when I talk about negatives, remember I still enjoyed the movie overall. It is hilarious. For the most part the songs are good. Sure, a few songs features I might absolutely hate in real life, but I got over it. I mean, fuck, the final song out of no where made me all teary eyed, just like the first time. I am actually mad I can’t get the soundtrack immediately to see if they messed up a few songs like he first movie. The friendship chemistry is fantastic. They “Expanded” on the Riff Off game from the last movie, in a new and probably better way. I laughed a ton. The analysts got even more dicey!

But my issues. Ugh. Most of my problems come from a misuse of the cast. Skylar, my favorite part of the movie, felt like he was barely in it. He got one main song, and was in the pseudo-Riff Off. But that was about it. He was so pointless, and he didn’t even talk about movies. Other Bellas, namely Cynthia-Rose, Lilly, and Stacie, felt like they barely had any lines or reason to be in the movie. The former got to sing a bunch, but their jokes went way way down and felt wasted. Even Ben Platt technically got less screen time. So many individuals who were there but didn’t seem to matter. THey tried to fit too much in the movie.

Hailee was wonderful though. Sure, they tried to force this weird Flashlight song down our throats. The original I kind of hate, but by the end of the movie, the few different versions seemed to grow on me. I am probably still going to grab this movie day one on Blu-Ray and watch it again and again, although arguably it is of some lesser quality than the first film.

3 out of 4.

The middle day of Blackweek and also the last expected review for this theme. I had said three movies came out in January with Black in the title, and you probably could figure them out. Day 4 and 5 are a mystery though!

Black or White is the first (and only? We will seeee) of the movies in this theme to actually have anything to do with race. Who the fuck even know what Blackhat was about, title wise. Some hacking shit.

This movie however does not feature the Michael Jackson song of the same name, nor a Macaulay Culkin cameo. Such a shame.

“If you’re thinking about my baby it don’t matter if it is while watching Black Or White!”

This movie isn’t about your ordinary child custody case. This one involves mostly grandparents. Elliot (Kevin Costner) and his wife Carol (Jennifer Ehle) have been looking after their granddaughter, Eloise (Jillian Estell). Her mom, their daughter, died during child birth due to complications. Complications that could have been stopped if hey were there, but she gave birth in secret hiding it from them, because the parents wouldn’t have approved of her relationship. Not just because it was interracial, but because of age differences and more.

Well, now Carol is dead too. So Elliot is over his head. He is also an alcoholic. Either way, he does the best he can, gets a tutor (Mpho Koaho), and takes time off work. But it might not be good enough. So, Eloise’s other grandmother, Rowena (Octavia Spencer) wants to sue for custody. She has a big support network, has culture and experience and believes has the better interest for the girl. Heck, she eventually even has the father (André Holland), out of prison and off drugs now, ready to be a daddy (maybe).

So let the digging up of dirt and lawyer shenanigans begin!

And maybe. Just maybe. Some life lessons along the way to learn to be good to people and not be racist. Or something.

Also with Bill Burr, Anthony Mackie, Gillian Jacobs, and Paula Newsome.

I am half tempted to give a tag to “sweet ass lawyer table.”

I will just go out and say it, Black or White was better than I gave it credit for. On the outside, it looks like a cliche family movie treading very lightly on the subject of race relations. I figured it would end with everyone hugging saying “Give Peace A Chance!” and warm happy rainbows. And hey it doesn’t have a 100% happy ending. It is more complicated. People get dragged through the mud and not everyone is a great person. Fantastic.

My other concern was Kostner. Last year at the beginning of the year he had Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit, 3 Days To Kill, and Draft Day, all of various meh to lame movies. So when I saw he had multiple movies within a month or so of each other, I figured we were in for a repeat.

I am not saying his performance was fantastic by any means. It was okay. But the characters and the story made this a worth while movie, not Costner getting old.

3 out of 4.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Do I even have to write an intro? Yes? Well. Fuck. Okay.

The Avengers was stupidly successful. I knew it would be in 2008 or so. Everything Marvel has done has been covered in molten gold, but in a good way, not a Game of Thrones way. So of course everyone is excited about Avengers: Age of Ultron. Honestly, I am more excited about the next Captain America movie and some of the new heroes like Black Panther and Doctor Strange.

But hey. Ultron is cool too. I will take what I can get before we get 3 Marvel and 3 DC movies a year, plus random other franchises.

Cool to the touch that is. HA HA HA HA HA.Shits crazy. If you haven’t seen Captain America: The Winter Soldier yet, then I can’t really help you. Spoilers on that front.

S.H.I.E.L.D. is gone, unless you watch the TV show then who knows. Hydra is fucking shit up. The Avengers have gotten together to stop them.

Our friends are all back, Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr.), Thor (Chris Hemsworth), Captain America (Chris Evans), Hulk (Mark Ruffalo), Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson), and Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner).

Remember the twins after the credits of the movie I just mentioned? Well, Quicksilver/Pietro Maximoff (Aaron Taylor-Johnson) and Scarlet Witch/Wanda Maximoff (Elizabeth Olsen) are also thrown into the fray. An evil fray.

Here’s the important facts though. The Avengers get Loki’s staff back pretty dang quick. And using its power, Tony Stark wants to return peace to the world. He would love to disband the Avengers because he doesn’t want there to be a need for them. So he uses the staff to help begin to build some AI to help protect the world from more outside threats. Shit goes badly. We got a robot that wants to take out all the Avengers now. The Avengers bring threats. They are dangerous. Without them the world would be better. Tony accidentally made an Ultron (James Spader).

What? Is that not enough characters for you? Well fine. We have some other appearances of course, and I won’t tell you how big or small their roles are. Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson), War Machine (Don Cheadle), Maria Hill (Cobie Smulders), Falcon (Anthony Mackie), Heimdall (Idris Elba), and Erik Selvig (Stellan Skarsgard). We also have newbie, Dr. Helen Cho (Claudia Kim), and of course Paul Bettany and ANDY SERKIS.

But Thor is my favorite so he gets his own picture, damn it. For movies like this, there is no way I can get through these things without rambling and talking so much. So fuck it. Let’s go classic here. A simple pros and cons list of the movie. Well, a likes and dislikes. Yeah. And with fancy bullet technology!

Likes:

• Hawkeye. They heard the complaints about him in previous films and they made sure he was an important character. A lot was added to him. He had probably two of the best lines, did cool things, and was fantastic. Everyone should love him.
• Hulkbuster. Hulkbuster guys. Hulkbuster. Amazing fight.
• The plot elements in the film are definitely related to the first Avengers. Characters decisions are constantly determined to make sure they don’t redo what was done in NYC.
• Characters shared the screen. It wasn’t just a one man show and his friends. A lot of characters got a lot of screen time. Most of the new guys got their motivations and back stories. Everyone got to fight and everyone fought hard.
• It wasn’t an exact repeat of the first movie. There are similar elements, but the threats feel different, the arguments are different, and the jokes are different.
• They didn’t dick around in the beginning, it starts with action and goes quickly into Ultron time.

Dislikes:

• Um. Ultron. I think. I mean. It is iffy. But from the many trailers, I expected him to be a bit scarier overall. He had creepy elements. Especially early on. But then he seemed to turn into a mostly joke cracking villain without the fear.
• Vision. I liked him but I don’t think they did a good enough job explaining him or giving him more things to do. He felt a bit wasted.
• Time. The movie is 140 minutes or so, but there are several times when the thing still feels rushed, especially in the 2nd and 3rd acts. There is a lot going on and a lot I liked, but some things made no real sense. Better explanation or more cutting would have helped a ton.
• Love. There is a romance in this movie. It feels…forced and awkward the entire time. It helps lead to some of these moments where you’d like more explanation.

Also, under both categories I could say the Future. This movie does a lot to set up future movies. Future Thanos battle. Elements for the Black Panther movie. Elements for the next Thor and the Civil War (Although I thought they should have gone way stronger on that side). At the same time, this film kind of feels like a big stepping stone for the future instead of its own amazing event. Too much focus on the later movies, which we know the next many years for and not enough about Ultron.

Overall, AoU is really fucking entertaining. Make no mistake. It was a nice ride, and good action and all of that. The characters are the ones we love with new ones you will love as well. But I think it had enough disappointing aspects associated with it to make me not as excited as I had hoped. With all the set up, I think the Civil War movie will be the one that all this hype has been leading up to. Makes sense, because after it is when we start getting all the new characters outside of Ant-Man.

Go see it. Go see it multiple times. I will buy it as soon as I can for sure. But you know, not perfect.

 

3 out of 4.

Documentaries about telephones are in right now. Just look at the Oscars from earlier in the year. The Phone Call won Best Live Action Short and Crisis Hotline: Veterans Press 1 won Best Documentary Short Subject. That doesn’t explain Hotline, however, which came to fruition thanks to Kickstarter.

And honestly, if it was nominated for Best Documentary, we might have had a very strange trifecta of victors if Citizenfour wasn’t so dang good.

It wanted to just examine the lives of many people who work at a hotline. All the hotlines too. Not just the sexy sex ones, although it definitely talks to two people in the field. No, we get LBGT based hot lines, suicide watch, homework hotlines, lonely based hotlines, and of course psychic hotlines. And they don’t just go completely for randos. No, we get some big named interviews with people about how they got in the business, stories, and more. And they also got the biggest name from all of this.

OH MY GOD MISS CLEO I LOVE YOU I CAN’T BELIEVE IT OHMIGOOOD

That’s right, Miss Cleo is in this documentary. She tells her whole story, how she got big, how the company abused her image, and how she got out of any lawsuits. And she is still doing her thing and doesn’t seem super scammy, so that is good.

We also get Jeff The Lonely Guy. I have heard he was famous for being a one guy friendly dude who just wanted to talk to people and be friendly, no strings attached. I never knew about him, he seems like a cool dude.

And really, this documentary is just a bunch of stories about people who answer phones for free or for cash, and their life. For whatever reason, that subject was actually a lot more fascinating than I figured it would be, and not just because of the star power of this documentary. It is pretty dang simple too. But sometimes simple things end up being kind of great.

3 out of 4.

FAST FAST FAST.

Nope. Too slow. Now you are just Furious 7. Look down. Look up again. You are Vin Diesel upset that Chuck Norris stole all of your internet jokes. Look at my hand. It is full of movies. THINK AGAIN. Just odd numbered Fast and Furious movies!

Blah blah blah. I have said before. I think the even numbered movies are either shit (2 and 4) or just okay (Fast and Furious 6). Some are well known to be bad, I went against the grain for the last one. Tokyo Drift has a good story though, which is why I like it and the first and fifth are entertaining. I was super stoked to watch Furious 7, before the death of Paul Walker, because I wanted the continuation from Tokyo Drift! I was ready for it all. And you know, 7 is an odd number.

And hey, Vin said this movie was amazing. Tears would flow and it should win Best picture awards. In that case I expect also hard hitting dialogue, some true events maybe, a new look at a modern topic, and maybe some death.

I don’t expect too much butt though.

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT ALL OF OUR FRIENDS COULD RETIRE AND JUST ENJOY LIFE. Just right then. Deckard Shaw (Jason Statham) shows up and starts killin’ people. He is the brother of the Shaw dude from the last movie and he wants revenge. Deadly revenge.

Well that is great, they have to deal with this asshole who has money, power, and explosives, and he will follow them around the world just to get his sweet deadly revenge.

Thankfully (?), a covert ops team lead by Mr. Nobody (Kurt Russell) wants to use Dom’s (Diesel) team to track down a computer program(er) (Nathalie Emmanuel) and a terrorist (Djimon Hounsou). If he stops the terrorist, they can use the special facilities to take out Deckard as well. Deckard of course will continually interfere with each step of that operation before he can be fully dealt with. Dom wants his crew though for the job. So he gets the leftover parts of the crew (Walker, Tyrese Gibson, Michelle Rodriguez, Ludacris).

Action, cars, people being mad. Dwayne Johnson is back in his role, Jordana Brewster is still Walker’s wife, Lucas Black reprises his role kind of, and Ronda Rousey is in this movie because modern action films secretly hate us.

Furious 7 is making shit tons of money. It is also is breaking records while doing it. Why? Is it because of its extremely diverse cast? (which is by the way, ridiculously diverse. Look at that group shot and tons more not featured). No, probably not.

The thing is, this franchise always made a lot of money. Six made almost 800 million, so the fact that this one already hit a billion isn’t a surprise. Because let’s face it, regardless of how good or bad it is, people wanted to go see it because of Paul Walker’s death. Just like The Dark Knight.

Now, sure, I might have had a tear near the end. My emotions are easy to manipulate in a movie. But I am still disappointed with their choice. I think a much stronger movie could have been made if they went real crazy and intense with it. I even knew I wouldn’t get the more intense and tear inducing finale to Walker’s character, because they announced what would happen to his character months ago. A literal ride into the sunset. Kind of disappointing, but I get it. I do.

Either way, some of the stunts in this film were insane. Most of them just involve literally the cars flying through the air and surviving big crashes. They are thankfully in vehicles a lot, so it keeps up with the theme, despite only one (and a half maybe) street races. And it didn’t feature an incredibly stupid ending like the last film. And the characters, all of which were still decently over the top, didn’t feel like superheroes which was another complaint I had.

But also, this one featured The Rock in a great scene involving a cast. That scene made the movie for me. I just really hope they don’t make another one. End up on top. Please no more. Don’t piss off Paul Walker’s ghost.

3 out of 4.

The Voices is a movie that came out in early February that I really wanted to see as soon as I heard the plot. But I am not talking about the plot right now, I am talking about Ryan Reynolds.

He had a relatively quiet year in 2014, but that is because he was working so hard to make 2015 a full year for himself. First with this movie, we have at least three other movies where he is the star or a main star coming out this year, across all genres. Family drama, dark comedy, action, sci-fi-drama. How diverse, Ryan! You really want to get away from the stoner comedies! And let’s not forget that next year he gets to be a Superhero and an animated voice again. Jeez.

Maybe it is just that he got himself a better agent. Or maybe ScarJo was holding him back and Blake Lively is actually good at something?

…Yeah, you’re right. Probably the agent.

All he really wanted was to dance more in his movies. The Sam Rockwell clause, if you will.

Jerry (Ryan Reynolds) is just you average loner guy. He doesn’t have a lot of skills, working as a worker in a factory that makes toilets. Like, lifting and boxing. Very minimal skills. He lives alone with his two pets, a cat, Mr. Whiskers (Ryan Reynolds) and a dog, Bosco (Ryan Reynolds). No, don’t worry, he isn’t dressed up as his pets. He is just their voices, because they totally can talk!

Well, only to him. No one else can hear them. Did I mention Jerry had an abusive child hood, where some seriously fucked up shit went down? Yeah. He is taking pills for his head voices, from his therapist Dr. Warren (Jacki Weaver). But the pills make the world a much sadder place and make everyone seem mean. No, he is happier without the pills.

After all, there is a cutie at work Fiona (Gemma Arterton) who gave him notice and danced with him at the holiday party! So he likes her back. But maybe she didn’t like him too much and she was just friendly. Oh well, either way, they should date.

Unfortunately, he doesn’t have many people to ask advice too, because he doesn’t have any real friends. Guess his pets will have to do. And his cat his a straight up dick. Also featuring Anna Kendrick and Ella Smith as the rest of the accounting department at his work!

In retrospect, maybe he should have played has the animals in costumes as well. It worked for Wilfred!

Yeah, we get to see Ryan Reynolds play a serial killer and make some pet voices too. Hooray! The first thing I noticed while watching this movie is that it was carefully crafted visually. Someone knew exactly what they wanted to show and how to show it. And the visuals again, were great. The use of color, the difference between his life on and off pills, how other people perceive him, all great. The next thing I really enjoyed was…Ryan Reynolds!

Hey, that is pretty good, because he is the star/main character of this movie. But he actually acts. He isn’t the douche bag role, or a simpleton nice guy. He is a full character and it was kind of impressive. Not sure if because I don’t expect that much from Ryan or what, but I really enjoyed it. Sure, his voices were fun too.

If I had any issues with it, I would just say I didn’t like the ending as much. Things started to unravel, everything went crazy, Jerry was losing it, which all makes sense. But the actual ending just felt a bit of a let down. I was expecting something more, and it just didn’t keep up the momentum that was building. Now the credits were great though. Hell yes to those credits.

Overall, still, a very interesting an enjoyable film. After all, it is pretty weird, and I fucking love weird.

3 out of 4.

I wouldn’t be lying if I didn’t say I was excited to see this documentary. I heard about it months ago, and my body was super ready. It just was ready too early, and then I forgot about it for a month or so…

But hey! Now it is out and watchable. An HBO documentary, so you know they could put money towards it.

Going Clear: Scientology and the Prison of Belief is a powerful title already pulling no punches. Obviously, this 2 hour documentary is about Scientology, like, the whole thing. From its founder, L. Ron Hubbard, to its start, to its current people in charge. And of course, their shady practices.

Shit, did I just describe the whole thing? Man, this was a quick review.

But I forgot to talk about celebrities!

In a way, it looks like this documentary was made and put together specifically for one person. John Travolta. When you think of Scientology, you think of two celebrities, him and Tom Cruise. Travolta used to be their poster child, now Cruise is. Cruise apparently is way too deep right now to be touched and is much newer in the group comparatively. But Travolta has had friends and close companions in Scientology who have now left and speak out in this documentary, about the travesties of the group, and what had to be done to keep the message from spreading.

So if he could hear it and believe, he would have a strong enough voice to help change a lot of people away from the cult and make a difference. But he has already said no thanks to that and defended it some more. Oh well, must have a lot of blackmail on him and Cruise.

Instead our biggest celebrity is Jason Beghe. And the documentary doesn’t get into the super hardcore rumors that you hear about. I guess that is because they didn’t want to get sued. So at the same time, while this documentary is super informative, if you saw the South Park episode on the same topic, you would know a lot of it already.

3 out of 4.

One word, relatively new, much fear.

Unfriended. How could someone be so cruel? Don’t you know they’re human too? …I’m gonna watch it anyways.

Sure, one could look at the title of the movie and the plot and think, “Yep, just another shitty modern horror.”

But for some odd reason I found it drawing. I thought it could have been made for me. But then again, I enjoyed the movie Smiley, which was also about modern tech things and a killer. Unfriended is already such a cold term, I can’t wait to see how they make fun of it.

And if you hate the title, you have to admit that it is better than the original name for the movie: Cybernatural.

Who would have thought the new face of evil was previously a sign of laziness?

Laura Barns (Heather Sossaman) killed herself. She was a pretty, relatively popular high school girl. But then she got super drunk one night at a party as a junior. Someone posted a video of her drunk, including the embarrassing after math and suggested she kill herself. Sure enough, she did it.

But that is old news. That is the past. That was a year ago today.

We should instead talk about sex. Because what is the point of skype if not helping take your long distance relationship to the next level? Or close distance relationship with over protective parents. Blaire Lilly (Shelley Hennig) and Mitch Roussel (Moses Jacob Storm) are teasing each other when they get forced into a giant Skype call with all of their friends. Fatass Ken (Jacob Wysocki), prep looking Adam (Will Peltz), and party girl Jess (Renee Olstead).

But hey, there is some glitchy other user in their chat. Some billie person. It can’t get kicked out, it stays when they restart the call, and it has no profile picture. Oh well, must be a glitch.

What is not a glitch is Laura randomly messaging a few people. Someone must have hacked her account and is trying to scare her friends. That’s not cool. Unless of course, it is a spirit doing all of this, and wanting to possess the group of friends into committing suicide. But that’d be awkward. Also there is Val (Courtney Halverson), as the random stuck up bitch other popular girl.

Sexting is so middle school.

Did I mention this entire movie takes place on Blaire’s computer screen? She has a mac of course, a nice laptop. Has the Spotify, the Skypes, the iMessage, the Facebooks, the ChatRoulette. She has it all. And the entire film, again, is through the screen. You might be thinking one of two things: Modern Family did it first. And that sounds terrible.

Technically, the Modern Family episode came out before this one, but this film was released a long time ago in film festivals. So who knows if Modern Family even knew that. As for the other fact, no, it is totally entertaining. Mostly thanks to the directors incredible attention to detail.

First of all, the movie is set in real time. The clock in the top right corner moves every minute, and by golly, it matches a real minute. The computer screen is incredibly realistic, as are Blaire’s typing speed, cursor movements, and literally just tabs open/search history. Everything. It feels realistic as fuck. Shit, there are even a couple hidden jokes I found in it.

At the same time, some of the attention to detail seems to be a bit lazy. For instance, previous messages randomly disappearing despite tabs never actually getting closed. There was one moment when Blaire had to share her screen in the Skype, which I guess is doable. Cool. But she never unshared it then did some awkward things after the fact, but it had closed by that point and that didn’t become a plot point for her being dumb. Long amounts of time with no one talking on Skype while Blaire does something else. Maybe she takes off her headphones during these moments, I don’t know. Things like that. The details are both infuriating at times and almost awe-inspiring. A lot of them they can just blame on computer ghost/hacker shit though, I guess.

Oh yeah, and this movie would have scared the poop out of me if I didn’t already poop four times that day. A huge part of it is the noise I would say. So many scares come from sudden noises. Incoming messages, Skype calls, wall posts, typing noises. All of it. Ahh. I never really want to hear a Skype call noise ever again, so I hope I can change it. I had to sit with my hands over my face so many times thanks to knowing that something fucked up was about to happen and I didn’t think my body could handle it.

Unfriended is new and modern, it has a unique enough twist, it is perfect at its 80something minute length, it is scary and tense, and it is overall a frightening time. Now excuse me while I burn the laptop that I wrote this review on.

3 out of 4.

I can say I was definitely not looking forward to seeing Paddington. When I first heard about it, sure, maybe. I vaguely remember child stories about the bear.

But then the film had drama. Colin Firth was supposed to be the voice of the bear, but then he left the project. They literally had movie posters with his name attached for a Christmas release at this point. But Firth left the project, mid production. Oh no. That can’t be good!

So I had a negative perception of the film. Turns out Firth left on his own because he just didn’t think his voice fit the bear at all. He was just too old. The bear had a youthful look and he didn’t feel right for the job. That’s fair I guess. Well, I saw it now damn it. And it is a 2015 movie instead of a 2014. And it is still very, very British.

Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear…

The titular bear, Paddington (Ben Whishaw) didn’t always go by that name. No, he used to have (bearsound) as an identifier. Also he can talk. He was found by a geographer with the rest of his family. The bear family was unusually smart, so he taught them English. They also really seemed to like marmalade.

Eventually, disaster strikes their home, and Paddington is forced to flee the jungles. He decides to head to London, as long ago, the geographer told him he would always be welcome in the Greatest Britain. So he makes it to London, but no one immediately takes him in, like he thought would happen. But then eventually the Browns walk by. Henry (Hugh Bonneville) is against taking in a bear, but his wife, Mary (Sally Hawkins) insists upon helping him out. So they take him in for just one night. Well, he is a clumsy bear who knows nothing about human stuff, so a lot of shenanigans occur.

Eventually they find out he is slightly truthful in his tale of the geographer, so they let him stay. Yay a pseudo-home! Too bad he is also being… hunted! That’s right. A crazy taxidermist (Nicole Kidman) has found out about his existence and really wants to stuff him. Not a euphemism. She gets the help of one of the Brown’s neighbors, a crockety old man Mr. Curry (Peter Capaldi) to help her get that bear!

Also featuring the kids of Madeleine Harris and Samuel Joslin, and Jim Broadbent. Because Jim Broadbent is the most British man I can imagine.

Who has two toothbrushes and is DTF? This bear!

Now, I’m not racist, but that bear had way more pizzazz than I thought a bear could have. Hooray for pizzazz!

I actually found the movie quite enjoyable. It was jolly good fun. Did you see the bear in the bathtub? Hilarity, my good sirs! Hilarity!

This movie was obviously British, but it was also super British. The only thing missing was the Queen herself. There might have even been a Constable.

Kidman’s character felt maybe too ridiculous for my tastes, but the filmmakers were going for a cartoon feel so it all made sense. The family versus the bear dynamic worked really good as well, and I am happy to say the bear never raged out and killed a baby or anything. Overall, it is a decently enjoyable way to waste an hour and a half with the family. I bear no regrets.

3 out of 4.