Tag: 2 out of 4

Today I watched four movies in one day. So what. I got my work done. Fuck you. Two movies starring Jay Baruchel in a day? Okay that is a legitimate note. But it was an accident. I really didn’t know he was in The Sorcerer’s Apprentice. My bad.

Who would have thought one man could be so diverse?

But hey! That chick. I know her. She was in season 8 of Entourage. She looks much hotter in this, and less British. Interesting fact about the brothers in this movie. I actually thought it was the same dude playing twins for a second. But then I realized they weren’t and that I knew them. The brothers were played by 2 of the 3 male leads in Perfect Couples, a show that I think should have had more episodes. Oh well.

Part of the reason I wanted to watch this was because I remembered Hockey being a big part of it. Just forgot it was Penguins. Whoops. At least it wasn’t the Blackhawks (damn The Dilemma).

In this made up world, it seems people constantly compare their matchups with potential and current dates. Like. Everyone. Constantly. I think people somewhat do that in real life, but not on the ridiculousness of this scale. The family interactions were some of my favorite moments, while the friends humor seemed to fail a bit more. The overly optimistic dude (who was in Mr. Sunshine) was a great character too, but I found the best friend to be too much of a tool, even if he helps save the day. I can’t say I will ever watch it again, because I didn’t find much quotable, but it was enjoyable for the one time view.

I didn’t think I’d ever watch The Sorcerer’s Apprentice when it came out. And by never watch, I mean watch eventually, because I watch everything eventually (I hope). All I knew about it is that it had Nick Cage, some dude, some other dude, and had maybe a magic card game reference or two. Realizing it was definitely a Disney movie meant it couldn’t be the level of badassery that I wanted.

This is the expected level. SLJ in Samurai garb with a ScarJo on the side.

Oh what? The main dude is Jay Baruchel? The Canadian? Well that is cool. I have always been a kind of fan of his since I saw Undeclared, despite now just always playing a sort of awkward nerd. The beginning of this movie was horribly cheesy. To me it looked like no one cared so I figured I’d mock the movie in my head the whole time. Not to mention the first time they are in NYC, it begins in 2000. It scared me, because I thought the main dude was supposed to be at least a teenager, not some kid. But thankfully there was a fight scene soon and then he got older.

What I appreciate out of this film is that there was an attempt to bring science into it. It is not the first movie to say science and magic are similar, but I always seem to prefer that instead of an entirely magical route. After all, who doesnt want the main characters in their movies to always be nerds? The effects in the movie are pretty good, which is another reason I wanted to watch it on Blu-Ray.

The plot falls where a lot of movies fall though. Spend the whole movie trying to lead up to this big encounter with the main character and the meanest super villain ever (not to be confused with the main villain throughout the movie) and the fight doesn’t last that long. I think it would be a lot scary if the big villain in these movies happened earlier, so at least then there isn’t all of this buildup that turns into a, “oh they used a cheap trick somewhat talked about earlier in the movie to win kind of easily after all”. This of course happens a lot. Tis a Cop Out.

It is like the opposite of Dragon Ball “bosses”.

2 out of 4.

What? This movie has nothing to do with school time shenanigans? Oh well.

I was hoping for a hilarious romp of avoiding the hall monitor and cutting class with all the cool kids!

Interesting concept. The wives of Jason Sudeikis and Owen Wilson (played by Christina Applegate and Jenna Fischer) give their husbands a week long “Hall Pass” from Marriage. They both go away for 7 days, to let their husbands live alone and do whatever they want. Stay our partying, hit on (or sleep) with other women. Whatever. They were no unfaithful before, but classified as way too horny/cocky whatever, because they think they can still hit the hot stuff if they were still single. So giving them the break allows them to find out they cannot, and hopefully be way more faithful.

I can see how the idea of a hall pass, if not a silly name, could help a relationship. But also could see how it could easily hurt one. The idea that it would always help would just mean that certain people are meant to be together, probably. But I review movies, not provide marriage advice.

That would be Dr. Phil.

Most of the humor comes from the fact that these dudes are middle aged and have no game. No one wants to hit that. They will swing and miss a lot. Fun stuff! I did enjoy the first half of the movie. However the ending seemed to be kinda meh for me. Just died down and didn’t really know how to end (which would explain why they went for the ending that they did).

So remember married guys, there is no way your life could have turned out better, especially now that you are old and married.

This is a kind of weird movie. It is kind of a documentary, but also not really. Which is the joke/reference it makes at the beginning. Howl has about three different parts: one the telling of the poem Howl by Allen Ginsberg, famous beat poet. Two, an interview with him about the poem and his life. And three, the court room precidings against his publishing company who were defending the work from being banned for being “obscene”. Allen Ginsberg in the first two parts is played by James Franco.

Sure. I could see him being a famous beat poet. I guess.

None of the events filmed in this are the actual scenes. But everything is word for word, the interview is the same, and the court room is the same. The telling of the poem goes back and forth between some art house small stage, and an animated work they made to go to the poem. The animation was very interesting, but I of course still didn’t understand anything about it. I was most excited about the courtroom parts, because I care about censorship, and wondered how it went down. This part featured everyones favorite actor, John Hamm, who did okay. Franco played Allen Ginsberg, mostly in the interview part, but also in the telling of the poem. I can honestly say I didn’t think it was Franco most of the movie, just didn’t have the Franco voice I am used too.

Even if you don’t understand or care about modern poetry, like me, this can be an interesting thing to watch. Clocks in under 90 minutes so it doesn’t take up too much time. You can also put a check mark on you “snobby nerd bucket list” probably.

Here is the actual story as to how I picked this movie to watch. I went in last night to Blockbuster knowing I’d only have time to watch one movie in the next two days. So I said huh. In honor of The New Girl, I will just watch the last movie Zooey Deschanel was in that I HADN’T already seen. So it took me way back to this one.

Oh Zooey, you are so Zany.

When I heard about the concept I thought it was horrible. He always says yes for a year? What is this, the unofficial sequel to Liar, Liar? Come on Jim Carrey, you can just keep making movies where you are obsessed with shit. Oh. You learn it isn’t some magic force doing this to him. It is his own choice. Also he isn’t a “Yes man” in a corporation, which I also assumed. SO what, how old is Jim Carrey now? He should definitely not be hooking up with Zoey. I am jealous of that.

The movies beginning was a bit too long. It really drive the point home that Jim is an unpleasant son of a bitch, who needs to not be such a negative nancy. I liked seeing Murray from FotC playing a very similar role. It was also weird seeing Bradley Cooper as a side kick who really cares about his friend Jim. If this was any movie after he became super big, Cooper probably would have kicked Jim’s ass for being such a jerk.

Bitch seats build character.

The movie was overall enjoyable. Had some funny parts. Other parts annoyed me.

Hey look, a low budget Ray Liotta serial killer movie. Here is some fun things about this movie. This is NOT a mystery! Not a whodunnit at all. They are pretty clear in showing you, the viewer, who is killing these people. If the obvious clues don’t knock the sense into you, the actual acts of him doing so should ring it in.

As you may guess The River Murders takes place in a small town with a River. Murders happen near it or around it, and this shit needs to get solved.

Because you know who did it, the movie focuses on the more interesting kind of question there is: Why? Why is this man doing these killers? How is it related to Detective Liotta? Why are there so many titties in this film compared to a National Lampoon movie that doesn’t feature Chevy Chase? (Oh that’s answered. Because the women are dead, having been raped and, pretty often, thrown into a river. So their lack of clothes explains that.)

“Ah-ha! Finally! Another movie with Rape! Let me out of this chair right now!”

I was interested in the outcome, and was glad this was rated R. The deaths weren’t graphically shown, but the aftermath could be, and it allowed the language to be a tad bit more appropriate. There are some cliches also heard in this movie, including the ever so fun “by the book!” phrase in every cop related movie. Will I ever watch this again? Nah, probably not. It felt like a made for tv movie, besides the dead bodies, boobs, and swearing. But it was decent one watch affair. Also, despite Christian Slater being in the movie, he didn’t add much to it.

Paper Man is a pretty weird movie. That becomes obvious if you have seen the cover. Let me help you.

Ryan Reynolds as a super hero maybe? (Is he called Paper Man? (Nope, Captain Excellent)) Jeff Daniels, not being in Dumb and Dumber? Lisa Kudrow, not in Friends? And wait, EMMA STONE? SHE IS IN THIS MOVIE? I would have probably bought this on that fact alone (you know, if I thought this was worth buying). All the times I walked by this movie, I could only see Ryan Reynolds, sitting there being bored. Never noticed it was Emma Stone, since she looks a bit different on the cover.

This is a serious story. Not a comedy! Jeff and Lisa are married, yet not doing well. Jeff is having a midlife crisis. Another author who never writes anymore. He actually sees make believe people, aka, Ryan Reynolds. Emma Stone is real, just some underage girl who lives near his cabin, who he gets to babysit his kids. (He has no kids. Pedo, pedo).

This isn’t really a joke, just a fact.

Somewhat comedic, but I didn’t really laugh. Jeff may or may not be trying to get it on with Emma Stone (as those are the only two options?). You see him deal with his crisis, and slowly seem to drift further and further from Lisa Kudrow. Also of course, Ryan fucking Reynolds wearing tights. Probably good for at least one watch, but it missed out on perfection by not having the strongest emotional ties behind it.

You have to ask yourself. In the URL, why is there not double dashes between the 1/2/3 given my title? The world may never know. The Taking Of Pelham 1-2-3 is more or less your typical negotiator + pseudo terrorist hostage situation movie. Of course the negotiator is not trained in negotiating, that way the bad guy wont have mind games played on them. But here is a different twist. This hostage situation takes place underground.

Damn it. Not like that, you hipsters.

By underground, I mean they took a part of a subway in NYC, and have themselves sealed underground where cell phones don’t work in one or two cars (You know, movies have to explain the cell phone stuff now in bad situations). John Travolta plays Crazy McCrazy, wanting 10 million within an hour or people die. People dieing sucks!

But thankfully Denzel Washington is now just working at a station, making sure trains are on time. Like Italy. And because he is the first person to communicate with Travolta, that is the only person he trusts. Basic hostage situation stuff happens, but this time the overall escape with the money scene afterwards seems to take a long time. Normally that is only a short bit of the film, but this thing is planned out and detailed. I found the escape the most boring part of the film. I kind of got lost with it too, as it involved tunnels and other ways of hiding. Since they no longer had hostages, it is kind of just like an action crime movie at the end (if you call Denzel a cop (he isn’t). In case you cannot tell, the ending was pretty meh to me. That makes the overall movie just okay, not great.

There was interesting dialogue too in the movie. When you find out Denzel’s secrets it gets super awkward, and thus interesting. Also, not sure if they answered how a dude got internet underground like that, nor do I think it lead anywhere either.

Another documentary! I already said I would stop watching political based documentaries with Hot Coffee, but I am fine with entertainment based ones. Doesn’t make this any less weird though.

This film is a documentary of Coco post NBC breakdown, pre TBS show, where he went on some 44 stop tour thing around Amurrika and performed. There are songs, jokes, bits, random celebrity cameos, and more. Also, most of it is of course getting to see the backstage of it all. Get to see Conan be himself.

Parts make him feel like a huge dick, like one scene early with his assistant, but that level of dickness dampens throughout it towards her, so one assumes that it was an obvious joke earlier on. Or something. Who knows. Edited things are edited. One show Jim Carey just showed up and came on stage to do things, apparently. Cause Jim doesn’t play by the rules. Andy Richter was also in this of course, and he acted more or less like he does on stage.

I guess it was interesting to see once, never really have to again. The funniest parts tended to be normal Conan as opposed to the scripted stage show. (But you know, all of the normal things could be scripted to. On a related note, what is actually real anyways?). I am giving this the average rating, because the only people who will watch this are those who love Conan. Those who don’t wont. Those who do will love it, and I assume the haters will give it at 0. So average review is average.

In other news, I want Andy Richter Controls The Universe to return as a TV show. So much for wants though, right?

2 out of 4.

I can’t say I ever saw the first Never Back Down movie, but I bet it sucked. I am not even sure if there is any related characters in this movie to the first. The sequel is actually directed by Michael Jai White, who is badass, and plays a great MMA fighter who has had cop trouble so instead sticks to training individuals in a secret dojo. Through different means, we have four main fighters who end up coming to train under White in order to compete in a large underground tournament, The Beatdown.

I bet Black Dynamite could win that tournament without even touching the ground.

Winner gets 10k, just needs 16 different fighters doing MMA. Some of these people in this movie are actual MMA fighters, I just couldn’t tell you who. Probably that big ass dude. Spoiler? The four people who train under MJW get to be the final four. One of the four ended up being a crazy asshat though, who also tries to get the cops to “break down” Michael Jai White. So the other 3 have to make sure he doesn’t win, but without being all, Karate Kid low kicking cheap. That is about it. Everyone has different reasons for fighting, but you can kinda guess who will win and what will happen. Acting isn’t the best, but I can at least say the film entertained me.

The ending is of course the tournament, which has the largest concentration of fights in it, but don’t worry, there are earlier fights as well. This movie also features a montage. This is supposed to be MJW’s first attempt at direction, which would would explain why everything his character does is just the most badass thing a person can do. Similarly, he may have just based it off of his own life.