Tag: 2 out of 4

I could never really get into Red vs Blue, but I also never really got into Halo. There could be a correlation there! I tried probably three times to start Red Vs Blue, but never finished season 1 despite liking it. Then years later I would try again, and of course start over to understand the “plot”, eventually stop before season 1 ended, and it continued on and on.

That being said, I am not entirely familiar with anything else Rooster Teeth has done. But they did make a movie, Lazer Team, and after being in theaters for only two weeks, it was released on YouTube Red. YouTube Red is a subscription based YouTube service that has no ads and lets you run it in the background on your phone as a music player. And hey, it has some original shows and movies on there as well, with Lazer Team being one of its first major films to be released on the platform.

How neat!

I mean, none of this says anything about how good it is. But it does show how neat it is.

I expect a piles of lasers in a movie with this title. All kinds too. Especially the pew pew variety.

In the 1970’s, the US government received a message from aliens and were able to secretly decode it. They found out that eventually an alien race would come to destroy the Earth. But in order to help them, the Antareans would send them a single power suit a few days before they get there so they would have a chance. So they found a gifted baby and raised him to be the perfect man. Adam (Alan Ritchson) would be the strongest, fastest, and smartest person they could develop, and he would save the Earth one day!

Or not. Now in modern day, after a series of events, we have a few modern slackers and dummies in the same spot. Hagan (Burnie Burns) is a low level sheriff in the small town and hasn’t ever done anything great with his life. He has in his custody Zach (Michael Jones), a talented high school football quarterback, who has the hots for Hagan’s daughter (Alexandria DeBerry) and is an idiot. Herman (Colton Dunn) used to be a quarterback at the high school, but couldn’t go on to college or pro because Hagan missed a block in their last game, giving him a permanent leg injury. And Woody (Gavin Free) is Herman’s dumb friend.

Due to alcohol and arguing, they accidentally end up shooting a UFO out of the sky, before it can make it to the military base. They discover the suit and begin to put the pieces on. Hagan gets a glove that makes a shield, Zach a glove that can shoot lasers, Herman some boots that can make him fast, and Woody a helmet that will eventually make him smarter. They of course don’t know any of this at the time, but eventually the pieces once activated merged themselves permanently to their body.

Which of course means, this group of losers have a few days to figure out how to work as a team, because they are now the only hope the world has. Also featuring Steve Shearer as the main military commander.

Only one of them even has a laser! How sad.

Lazer Team is a small budget sci-fi comedy, and knowing that helps lower your expectations going in. This is not going to be Turbo Kid, which is also an indie film, but had a lot behind it to make it something special. No, this is a movie where plot and effects are secondary, what the creators and actors are really after are the laughs. They want to make you giddy and smile.

And on that note, they still only do just an okay job.

The main character by Burnie Burns (aka one of the greatest names ever), the writer of this film and main member of Rooster Teeth, is playing the straight man so he rarely has the better moments. He is extremely passive and throughout the film I never really get behind him to root for him. No, the only character I care about is Zach, the dumb ass quarterback, because he is the funniest one. Michael Jones looks like a poor mans Adam Devine, but he works well in this film.

They had one character who isn’t smart, get the helmet to make him super smart. Unfortunately, a lot of those jokes don’t have a huge effect, because we barely knew him as a dumb character before the changes started. It did lead to some nice jokes, but most fell flat given the lack of history with him.

Even though the jokes were only just okay, I did end up liking the ending of the film. Some good action and explanation happen and it is an ending that can make one look forward to future films. Just disappointed that some of the action scenes earlier on didn’t seem to pack as much punch.

Oh well. Okay film, good first try, do better next time or I will come down on you with the rage of a lower-tier film critic!

I love Ben Affleck. Wait let me rephrase that.

I love Ben Affleck. Oh, apparently that is what I meant. I am not saying Affleck is perfect. He had the bad stretch in the early 2000’s. But he is making a hell of a comeback and I have been cheering him on the whole time.

I was excited to hear he was playing Batman from the get go. Finally, a Batman from Boston. Obviously he won’t be from Boston in this film, so one dream was crushed, but I still feel he has the look and power to pull it off.

That is why I am excited to see Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice. I hope that it is better than the mediocre Man of Steel. I am also glad that the slate of DC movies is now determined for the next decade or whatever. After MoS, they initially said there would be a Man of Steel 2 like, a year later, then Justice League film to bring in everyone. I guess MoS2 turned into this, a Justice League prequel. A much smarter move.

God damn, look at those dreamy blueish Batfleck eyes!

Metropolis got fucked over by Zod and Superman (Henry Cavill). You might remember it because it was a big source of frustration for many film goers at the lack of consequences. So in this film, they decided to make consequences.

Like by pissing off Batman (Ben Affleck). One of his financial buildings was destroyed in the fight, with many people who used to work for him killed and one worker (Scoot McNairy) lost his legs. His legs!

So now, two years later, Superman has been around for awhile and generally doing good. Lois Lane (Amy Adams) and the rest of the newspaper seem to be on his side and write good stories. Batman has been a vigilante for a long time as well, long before Superman arrived.

But now, two years later, a large source of Krptonite has been found in the ocean, and thanks to research by LexCorp and Lex Luther (Jesse Eisenberg), they have found that it can damage Kryptonian skin. Ooooh. He wants to build a Superman deterrent, just in case. You know, that is something that Batman can get behind.

And then a whole lot of other things happen. Like Wonder Woman (Gal Gadot)! She is here too, damn it!

Also starring Jeremy Irons as Alfred, Diane Lane as Martha Kent, Tao Okamoto as Luther’s assistant, Laurence Fishburne as head of the newspaper, Holly Hunter as a senator, and Callan Mulvey as a generic bad dude.

Shit, does everyone have glowing eyes?

Batman v Superman, because the s in “vs” is one too many characters, is a bit over 2 and a half hours. And if you haven’t heard, there will be a directors cut with the Blu-Ray release that is about 3 hours and rated R. Yes, they made the bold decision of announcing a director’s cut before actual theatrical cut, something that is mostly unheard of. I think it was to mostly announce the R-ness, after the success of Deadpool.

With a long run time, there is of course a lot going in. Even though everyone in the world knows about Batman, they still have to give us a bit of an origin story for him. For the majority of the film, it is implied that Batman has been Batmanning for a long time, perhaps even 20 years at this point. He has a lot of history that they don’t get into, but it is something I will believe, because it implies past Joker interactions, everyone involved in Suicide Squad, and more. But if Superman has been here for almost two years, you’d think the two of them would have interacted at some point before now, given Gotham and Metropolis being across a bay from each other.

I am coming from a very pro-Batfleck back ground, but I think he knocked it out of the park as our caped crusader. And not just because of his chin. We have a lot less material to work with still, but I think he is definitely better than Nolan’s Batman (Batlan?) already. He is raw, he is angry, and he is calculating. Jeremy Irons does a wonderful Alfred, but I’d be honest, I think I liked every Alfred.

Wonder Woman was also very exciting. We really only get to see her for one fight scene, but when she appears, she commands the screen. She shows no fear, fights like a god, kicks ass, and even uses one of her trademark weapons. I wanted more Wonder Woman, hell, I wanted all of the Jusice League, but the other characters were only teased.

Cavill as Superman is more of the same from Man of Steel. Nothing too drastically different here, although his 6th sense of detecting if Lois is in trouble gets a bit ridiculous. He is a bit more of a tragic character in this film, with the Christ allegations no longer being subtle.

Lastly, in terms of characters, Eisenberg as Luther I am still mostly unsure about. A lot of the character seems to be similar to half of Eisenberg’s other characters. Smart aleck, talks fast, etc. By the end, it almost seemed like they wanted to turn him a bit into the Joker with a sort of madness behind him. Let’s call him passable.

No cool glowing eyes, but hey, one group shot so I don’t show favoritism.

Back to the movie as a whole. This film is all over the place. And honestly, early on the plot feels a bit convoluted. Most of the Lois Lane plot in retrospect feels a bit pointless. Everything is supposed to connect by the end, in a shower of brilliant planning, but it feels instead like it is full of holes and unnecessarily complicated. (“Hey, that’s what convoluted means! You already said that!” – Gorgon Reviews reader complaint).

The actual Batman v Superman fight scene was really cool, but in all honesty it just seemed like it was mostly to showcase how awesome Batman was. Superman never really went “full Superhero” during it, and the ending of the fight seemed sudden and a bit tacky.

As for the actual big crazy fight scene, which I won’t spoil despite the second trailer doing just that, it was occasionally nifty, while also often being messy. I really enjoyed the fight scenes between Zod and Superman in the previous film because it did a great job of showing how intense a fight between virtual gods would be, but this one takes place in the dark, with tons of explosions and flashing lights. It is harder to follow actually what is going on, which was only a problem in the Krypton pats of the first film. Basically every fight is in the dark and at night, making it annoying. We do get to see how the different characters fight and they aren’t just all bam bam pow.

Annoyingly, Batman seems to do something in the final fight that makes no real tactical sense. In fact, it seems like it is him doing something that he was angry at Superman for doing. They try to explain it off with a line, but as it was spoken, I could only shake my head wondering how something so stupid could be included in the film.

Favoritism, schmavoritism. Batfleck was clearly superior and everyone knows it.

The film doesn’t go about explaining a lot of smaller plot points. Sometimes it makes sense, as it assumes the audience is competent and knows a thing or two about these heroes. However, on Batman’s side, there are a lot of weird…dreams, moments, and references, that seem to mostly be teasing for the future and leaving me a bit perplexed at times. They tended to feel out of place and actually slow the movie down since they aren’t relevant yet.

And finally, FINALLY, the ending. Good news, it might be controversial again although not in the expected way. The whole time I was sitting there, I was confused. There were two routes it could have gone. One would have been really bold and a creative direction to take the future films, the other would be very obvious to any movie goer and thus have absolutely no impact. And yeah, it went the no impact route. The last 5-10 minutes seem to be almost cancelled out thanks to final scenes. On its own it will rustle at least dozens of jimmies.

Here is the good news. I think this film is a step in the right direction. There is a lot of good in there, just also a lot of meh to overall bring it down some. But it did still have me excited for Justice League and excited for Wonder Woman. As for Suicide Squad, the trailers still have me as mostly indifferent. This could be a fantastic film franchise and a nice foil to Marvel, it just will take a few more steps than The Avengers took to get there.

Not growing up in the 1980’s, I didn’t have a lot of exposure to the Pee-Wee Herman character.

Heck, all I knew about him was the 1985 movie Pee-wee’s Big Adventure, which I had seen once, and Pee-wee’s Playhouse, a kid show I never saw. I just now learned the character had been in a Cheech and Chong film and used to be a stage act that was very adult oriented. He was toned down a bit for the movie and especially the kids show.

So I was pretty indifferent going into Pee-wee’s Big Holiday, a made for Netflix follow up almost twenty years later. And since it was rated PG, I let the kids watch it with me. I knew there might be some crude jokes hiding in the background, but as long as Reuben didn’t bust out his Pee-wee to pleasure himself during the movie, I figured nothing would really be a big deal.

Although I like where this is going.

Pee-wee Herman (Paul Reubens) is still up to his old hijinks. He loves Fairville, but he is afraid to leave it. Everything he needs is in this small town anyways. But then he meets Joe Manganiello (Joe Manganiello). Pee-wee and Joe hit it off right away. They agree on the best candy. They like the same things. They were BFF soul mates. And plus, Pee-wee had never heard of Joe before. He never saw Magic Mike!

So Joe invites Pee-wee to his birthday party, except it is in NYC on the other side of the country. And he tells him to not fly by plane, because he cannot discover himself that way. He has to road trip it up and he has five days to get there. And if they were really friends, he would want to go to his birthday party.

Pee-wee has never taken a holiday before from work. But after receiving a sign, he takes his car and crosses the rail road tracks.

And along the way bad things happen! He runs into three lady bank robbers (Jessica Pohly, Stephanie Beatriz, Alia Shawkat), a novelty item salesman (Patrick Egan), a farmer (Hal Landon Jr.) with nine daughters, Grizzly Bear Daniels (Brad William Henke), some extreme hair stylists (Sonya Eddy, Anthony Alabi, Dionne Gipson, Darryl Stephens), and a crazy rich lady (Diane Salinger).

Also Richard Riehle and David Arquette are in this one too.

One shake can change a man forever.

I really wasn’t sure what to expect for this film, outside of zany antics and maybe some celebrity cameos. I was definitely disappointed on the cameo front, because there was…one I guess. But I was not disappointed in Joe Manganiello, the super cameo.

Generally, when actors play parodied versions of themselves, I laugh. Like most of the cameos in Entourage. Or Matt LeBlanc in Episodes. Manganiello knocked it out of the park.

The bromance between him and Reubens, sure it is artificial, but it was a joy to see. Every time Pee-wee went to sleep he had visions of the party, but in slow motion and (spoilers) and they were hilarious. This film made me like Manganiello more than it made me care about Pee-wee.

As for the rest of the film, it had its moments. Most of the people are just extreme charicatures, like Pee-wee himself, so it is generally always moving. I enjoyed the Amish scene and the bank robbers added an element I didn’t expect in a PG movie (male strippers)!

A fine enough movie to distract you while you play on your phones, but not something you’d every really want to just sit down and watch again and again.

Who is General Tso? Was he a real man? Did he like food or chicken? Did he make Chinese food? Did he make Chinese American food? Why do people even like this stuff?

Well, if you have wondered any of this, you have come to the right documentary. The Search For General Tso answers all of these questions and more! Hell, it does it in under 80 minutes as well. That means you can watch even more documentaries in a single day!

First of all, we have to accept that you can go to any Chinese restaurant around the country and basically get the same exact menu. The same chicken dishes, beef dishes, fish, pork, appetizers. Hell, might even get crinkle fries. You will get some soy sauce packets, the orange sauce packets (whatever the fuck that is), some fortune cookies, and probably get your food in a typical container.

Look at the picture below. If you go to the store, you will probably see a visual menu with that bad boy on it, General Tso’s chicken, and it will look a lot like that.

Why is that?! Again, it will explain how that ended up working out.

First of all, I should mention that General Tso was a real person and a pretty bad ass warrior. He made the rank of General!

And this is food for any military commander.

So the actual search for General Tso ended up being pretty easy. Since he has museum’s named after him, and whole buildings in parts of China.

That means the next hour of the documentary has to talk about something. So it talks about everything. Chinese immigration to the US, lack of jobs for immigrants / policies to prevent the Chinese from doing a lot, turning traditional Chinese food into Americanized versions, the rise of Chop Suey, why everything looks the same, and the eventual decline of the food.

And what’s that? Oh yeah, when General Tso’s chicken came into being. Where it came from, who invented it, and why it became super popular after the fact.

The Search for General Tso is a weird documentary and clearly it goes over a lot of information. It is incredibly informative, but not necessarily on information you ever thought you would care about. I feel like I learned a lot in the time frame, but I also felt like I could have learned more.

This film felt like the post it notes on the subject. The quick and dirty to tell the story, but without getting into the nitty gritty details. They spent maybe 3 minutes talking about Jewish families and Chinese Food, but there is a lot of history there. There could have been more on other dishes that started and why they became familiar. They didn’t even start to touch on the Chinese Buffet phenomenon, which probably had an interesting story as well.

A good start, but damn it, I want more.

Miracles From Heaven is the latest close to Easter Christian film release to happen this year, the first being Risen, and the next one after this being God’s Not Dead 2. I figured I should tell you that these all exist, because it is easy to get lost in it all.

Miracles is by the people who brought us Heaven Is For Real from a few years ago, also based on a book based on a true story. And of course, Heaven is in both titles. They want you to know right off the bat what you are getting in to.

Sure, I almost never rate Christian films highly, because they are all pretty similar. Overacting, cheesiness, non realistic situations, straw men, whatever. But what annoyed me in particular about this one ahead of time was the marketing. I barely saw anything for it, but I did see a viral post on the Facebook. At the risk of giving this random person more views, here it is if you haven’t seen it.

Now, first of all, yes it is just the trailer. And the trailer is cut off on the left and right due to the actual size of the post. But this trend of having text on the top and bottom of gifs or videos is incredibly annoying. First of all, it takes away from the original creators of the gif/video, and puts someone else’s mark on it. It usually changes the distortion of the video and makes it smaller. But lastly, what an annoying thing to even write on just a trailer to get people to share. It feels underhanded and deceptive almost. I hope I don’t start seeing more of these, because people will fall for this way of advertising apparently and not realize how crap it is.

And of course, you also have to see the trailer for this film, which tells 100% the whole damn story of the movie.

Oh hey. That guy. I like that guy. Never mind, I need to see this movie!

Let’s journey back in time to a few years ago to Texas. Near Ft. Worth, not near Dallas. We will meet the Beam family, which is a strange last name to hear a lot as you will assume bean half the time. The patriarch is Kevin (Martin Henderson), a veterinarian, who recently convinced his wife, Christy (Jennifer Garner) to let him open up a bigger clinic. They have a lot of animals on their large farm, but also three daughters: Amy (Brighton Sharbino), Anna (Kylie Rogers), and Adelyn (Courtney Fansler).

Anna is our main girl though, the middle child, because she has stomach pains and no one knows how to help her. Eventually they figure out that her intestines are not working, they are basically bloated and paralyzed, so she cannot eat any solid foods. She has to switch to liquids. It is a disease with still no known cure, so it is mostly about making her comfortable through all the pain and living with her for the few months or years she may have. But Christy will not accept it. So no matter the cost, no matter the strain on her family, she will help her daughter. They even get her into the best doctor who works with kids with these sorts of problems. Dr. Nurko (Eugenio Derbez)! Except he is in Boston with a long waiting list.

Well, they will get through this. No matter who loses faith. No matter who gives up on life. No matter what strange accidents that might occur eventually and cure the disease surprisingly despite no known cure.

Also featuring some smaller roles from Kevin Sizemore, Queen Latifah, Bruce Altman, and John Carroll Lynch as the preacher.

Damn this family just looks perfect.

Okay here we go. Miracles From Heaven was not as bad as most other Christian cinema. It wasn’t overly cheesy, nor was it overly preachy. The acting was average to good, only poor acting coming from some random extras. It also did a lot better at connecting to the viewer on an emotional level. It doesn’t make it a great movie, it just makes it better.

Now of course, I am still a relatively new father. So movies that are about the potential (or actual) loss of a child, especially a girl, really get right up into my brain and make me feel the sad feels. So yes, Miracles From Heaven made me cry. Not just once, or twice, but several times. Just getting caught up in all of the emotions, the sad and the happy. After all, once you start flowing, it is hard to really stop. So obviously the film did a wonderful job there of jerking the tears.

In all honesty, a lot of me just seemed to feel bad for Kevin, who had to try and hold everything together, working long hours, still taking care of the kids and missing out on events, while trying to be an emotional rock for his family.

But enough about that. This movie did feel too long. And if you saw the trailer, there is not a whole lot of reason to see the movie outside of an emotional experience, because you see how she even gets healed. There were a lot of unnecessary scenes without any real payoff, like Queen Latifah’s character. You could cut her out of the movie easily and you wouldn’t miss out at all. It felt like there were several potential ending points, which kept me feeling tied down. And of course story wise, there isn’t a whole lot of plot.

Only one “prayer” scene felt really awkward or out of place, and that was when Christy was losing her faith and yelling at the sky. There was also a heaven scene that got really strange, but I guess it was required to happen.

Oh well. A decent recounting of the true story of a girl who had issues who then lost them after getting into an accident. What it doesn’t try to do is prove that Jesus is real through the story. It is only a small part. Unlike Heaven Is For Real, which is all about trying to prove it with terrible evidence, this is a story about a family going through a tough time and becoming stronger on the other side. Miracles is now the new film that I will compare all future Christian films to.

It took me so long to watch Sleeping With Other People, because I made a lot of assumptions based on the title.

I assumed it was about two people in a relationship who were going through a tough time. Their sex drives were low but their love was high and that was making them frustrated. So they agreed to let themselves sleep with other people. Just to spice things up.

I didn’t feel like seeing it, because I already saw that movie in The Freebie. And hell, I also saw Hall Pass which was similar enough and shares a main actor.

But I was wrong, and the assumption made us all assholes. Or something like that.

Shit, here they are sleeping with each other. What the fuck movie title?

Let’s start out in 2002 or so. I forget the year. Early new millennium! Lainey (Alison Brie) is banging on a dorm room door, trying to get some sex with some loser. Before she gets kicked out, Jake (Jason Sudeikis) says she is here as his guest, so they hang out and talk about her issues. And they have sex, both of them being virgins after a long night of getting to know each other.

Then you know, they lost touch over time. Now it is modern day. Jake is addicted to sex, full on. He has sex a lot, is known as a player, and has even gotten around to his job. He is trying to sleep with his new boss (Amanda Peet).

Lainey is addicted to…love! She breaks up with her boyfriend whom she has been cheating on with constantly. With Matthew (Adam Scott), a gynecologist, the guy who she tried to sleep with in college so long ago. Except he has a pregnant wife, but she can’t get over him.

Either way, Lainey and Jake eventually meet up and go on a small date. They both open up with their relationship problems and agree that sleeping with each other would be a bad thing. They should remain just friends, avoid sexy talk if possible, and just help each other with their issues.

But you know, this is romance thing. That’s all I will say.

Also starring Anna Margaret Hollyman, Jason Mantzoukas, Natasha Lyonne, and Andrea Savage.

Taking off shirts at a kids birthday party is one way to avoid sexy time.

Sleeping With Other People is one of those strange movies that doesn’t even show some sexy times occurring. I am not clamoring for penetration in film or anything ridiculous, just that the sex they show looks very unnatural, with the characters wearing all their clothes still and usually just collapsing at the end. Yes, this happens all the time now it seems, especially with the PG-13 Rating. But this movie is rated R. Let’s use the old internet sexist phrase, “Tits or GTFO.”

Sorry to be crass. But just an annoyance and a strange step away from realism that has been growing.

There are amusing moments in Sleeping With Other People, but I think the downfall of the film is in its dramatic moments. They tended to feel a bit more nonsensical than the comedic ones, which is normally opposite. I could never fully connect with either character, who both were living lies for months. They needed Mike Tyson to just walk up to them and say “Now Kith” to get it over with.

This analysis is dull, because the movie is just so damn average. It is a mediocre plot, with average acting, an occasional funny moment, and many without. Watch it if you like the actors, ignore it otherwise.

You may have heard of Malala Yousafzai. If you have not, then you live in a bubble somewhere. Or you live in a repressed country and they are actively making sure you don’t hear about her.

She made a book that was titled I Am Malala, memoirs of her life up to that point. Very political. You see, she is a girl growing up in Pakistan. Her name is important, because her father, Ziauddin Yousafzai, named her after a Pakistani folk hero. He imagined she would be great! He also ran a string of private schools and taught her to read and write and love education. In that time, women’s education became a hard thing to achieve, because of the Taliban occupation of Pakistan. In fact, they destroyed many all women schools and banned women from schools for a time. This is the crux of the issue. Women’s rights, and a child’s right to an education.

Starting around 11, she became to get involved in politics. She started as an anonymous blogger for the BBC, telling stories of Taliban occupation and how it affected her life. It eventually grew and eventually her identity was discovered. As it grew, she spoke more and more about the right of education and women around the world. Not just the middle east, but in other parts of Asia and Africa and South America, women often do not get any education training at all. This keeps them in the dark and does a disservice for their entire gender in terms of finding equality and being treated with respect!

So, in 2012, when Malala was just 15 years old, the Taliban ordered an assassination attempt on her, as she was doing harm to their public image. Which is a sad and funny sentence to write. Obviously she had received quite a few death threats up to that point, but no real bullets. Thankfully she survived, but the bullet did go into her head, neck and shoulder requiring immediate doctor attention. The left side of her face is slightly paralyzed and more, but damn it, she survived the Taliban officially.

Don’t stop, Can’t Stop, Won’t Stop.

That was a lot of introduction! But He Named Me Malala, the name of the documentary, takes place after all of this. It shows her living now in a normal house, still in school, with her two younger brothers, father, and maybe mother. I have no idea if her mother is still alive, because she wasn’t mentioned or talked about in the documentary at all. It could be a privacy thing, or a fear thing because she is a woman. I don’t know. Half of this documentary tells her story, of some of the activism she has done, about her life before and after the assassination attempt, and a few of her speeches.

Malala is a great girl who is very passionate and was lucky to have an education from her father at home. It allows her to speak well on all of these subjects and it is great that she is using it to help insure education for every child in the world. And she won a Nobel Peace Prize at 17! Definitely a worthy child to know about and support.

But this documentary doesn’t seem to do a great job at it. It feels very subdued. Or basic. Like it was done as a small piece for a news station about a person and her life. It didn’t have a journalist narrating over the film, with her and her dad doing a majority of the talking, but it didn’t seem to give her the right respect. They didn’t go into huge amounts of detail about the atrocities of the Taliban or the assassination attempt. It was more about what she was doing now and how it can be hard to balance this while also studying for exams. It just turns her into a regular girl who sometimes gives speeches and talks to politicians around the world. It is good to humanize her, but at the same time, by doing so it just seems to lessen her achievements.

Overall, this documentary was probably made too early. Hell, they barely talked about the fact that she won the Nobel Peace Prize, as it was only featured in a small segment in the credits. Like they did the whole documentary already and then it happened so they had to find a place to put it. She will do great things in her life and already has, so it is just too early. We don’t need her in a documentary every few years.

The same situation happened with the concert documentary Justin Bieber: Never Say Never. It came out when he was just 18, as if he had already peaked and was on a decline. So now we also already have Justin Bieber: Always Believing and Justin Bieber’s Believer because they did it too early. Hell there are probably more out there and there will be more again. We don’t need Malala to be given the Bieber treatment. Please no more documentaries for at least ten years, when you can make it serious and important and not feel like a “fluff” piece.

Say what you will about Triple 9‘s vague title, but I think we can all agree that it is a better title than just 999.

This is one of the rare fun times where I actually know nothing about the film outside of movie posters and actors involved! But the director is John Hillcoat, who also directed Lawless and The Road, two films I adore.

And the cover gives a nice terrorist/angry gunman feel to it. A bit dark, something that feels more like a September film, not a February film.

Some rumors say this is actually the real True Detective Season 2.

Michael Atwood (Chiwetel Ejiofor) and his group (Norman Reedus, Aaron Paul, Anthony Mackie, Clifton Collins Jr.) are robbing a bank. Why? Well, working for a client. They are all friends, but more importantly, they are all ex-military, special forces, or cops. Current cops.

So they know how to get shit done. However, when they deliver the package to Irina Vlaslov (Kate Winslet), they don’t get paid, she demands a second, harder job (for more money), and also ends up killing one of the crew to shows he is serious. Michael can’t walk away, because his son is basically a hostage in this situation.

However, the second job involves breaking into a Department of Homeland Security building. They have guards, private security, and the cops have it on speed dial. So they decide that the only way they can pull off the heist is to do a code 999. Kill a cop. Then everyone in the area will report, because every cop wants to get a cop killer. They know who to pick too. Chris Allen (Casey Affleck), who is one of their new partners, just transferred over, and the son of Sergeant Detective Jeffrey Allen (Woody Harrelson) who is also on their case.

But can they do it? The team is a unique group of individuals. Some are shit, some are good guys deep down in bad circumstances, and some are just train wrecks.

Also starring Gal Gadot, Teresa Palmer, E. Roger Mitchell, Luis Da Silva Jr., Michelle Ang, and Michael Kenneth Williams a transgendered prostitute.

That last note is really all the reason you need to see this film. Even if it is just one scene.

First of all, let me just talk about Kate Winslet. She is a goddamn chameleon. I had no idea it was her in this movie. Just like I had no idea it was her in Steve Jobs. Her role wasn’t as good as it was in Steve Jobs, but it was unique and I just couldn’t tell it was her at all. I love these surprises in the credits.

Triple 9 has a lot of twists and turns, and honestly, most of them were not easy to predict at all. It was keeping me on the edge of the seat throughout the film. In fact, it begins like we are already in the middle of a story. It can take awhile to catch up, but it gradually gives you bits and pieces to help put the whole story together, to find out why these men know each other and why they are in this situation.

It is a great way of doing things, but it is perhaps its biggest downfall.

Triple 9 is also a crowded film. There are a few plot lines going on, all at the same time, and not everything makes sense. Not just unexplained plot points, but character actions. For the life of me, I don’t understand how a criminal organization, wanting an almost impossible job to be done, would kill one of the five member crew before hand to show they are serious, making it even more impossible. Dumb criminals are the worst, especially when on screen they are played off as being intelligent and calculating.

Harrelson was also disappointing in this movie. His character felt like a shit version of his character from True Blood. Less accent, but all the self destructive behavior. There was no way this man was the lead detective for any precinct, as he acted like some beat cop the whole time.

The action is great, the twists are good, but in all honesty a lot of the plot is generic/incomprehensible. Worth watching at least once, just from the comfort of your own home.

Results, aka one of he many films I would have never known to exist if not for the Spirit Awards.

Except unlike a lot of Spirit Award films, I was actually a bit excited to watch this one. I knew the main members of the cast! Hooray for familiarity! New things scare me.

It was also filmed in Austin, Texas, which I learned. This boring intro brought to you by the vast expanse of Texas, nothingness.

This is basically the only picture that exists for this film.

Power 4 Life is your average small gym in a large city. They have a staff of energetic fitness people, teaching classes and being all personal and trainer-y. It is run by Trevor (Guy Pearce), who is Australian or New Zealander. He has big dreams of one day expanding the business and having a bigger studio.

His best physical trainer is Kat (Cobie Smulders), who always gets those results and is only a bitch to low-lifes who don’t pay. Because she needs more money and needs more clients. Also sometimes Kat and Trevor have sex.

Trevor is reluctant to give Kat a new client, a weird rich dude named Danny (Kevin Corrigan), because he is…well weird. He just throws his money away, going through some shit, so he wants to look better.

Sure enough, he gets weird about it all, and Kat doesn’t really help the case, but he falls in love with her. Strangely enough, this issue only takes us really early through the film. It goes a lot of places, but it is all tied to the strange relationship between Trevor and Kat.

Also Giovanni Ribisi is a lawyer in this movie. Woo lawyers.

The first time anyone has ever written “Woo lawyers” I bet.

Results is like a true indie movie. Sure it has some stars, but it like three genres. Not a full comedy. Not a full drama. Not a full romance. And it is hard to describe without saying everything that happens.

Unfortunately, the movie goes at a slower pace than most people would expect. There are some great scenes that I love. A great dinner scene. Some twists. Some weird shit. But the time in between them is not to be desired.

The film isn’t even overly long. A respectable 1:45, but I can imagine it getting to the point that much quicker. If it was an easy film to watch, it wouldn’t be an indie I guess.

Pearce was good in this movie, although it could have just been me getting lost in his accent and enthusiasm. Smulders didn’t deliver on the emotional scale, she seemed to be pretty stoic outside of one scene. Corrigan has never looked worse, appearance wise, but I guess that was the point.

An okay romance, a shitty drama, and an okay comedy.

Whoa whoa whoa, hold up. This movie Race is about a true story, inspirational sports figure, and it ISN’T made by Disney? They are dropping the ball!

Whoa whoa whoa, a second time. This is about Jesse Owens, famed Olympic runner, and he isn’t being played by Chadwick Boseman? I thought he had the monopoly on super famous Black historical figures now, what with Jackie Robinson, James Brown, and T’Challa, prince of Wakanda.

And hey, that title, Race. It is about a runner. But he was also black. Dare it…might it… be about his skin color as well?

A double entendre! And neither side is sex related! A movie miracle here, folks!

The only film that has made me care about the state of Ohio.

Early life be damned, let’s talk about Jesse Owens (Stephan James) in 193. This man was college bound. He is headed to The Ohio State University, land of the Buckeyes and people too ignorant to cheer on Michigan. He turned a few heads during a high school track meet in Chicago, breaking records left and right. So he was able to get a scholarship to attend. He isn’t a simple boy either. He has Ruth (Shanice Banton), who is working at a beauty salon, and a 3 year old girl he has to support. Sure he is going to college to run on the track team, but he also wants an education and a way to support his family, so he can marry Ruth and live a good long life with her.

Well, Larry Snyder (Jason Sudeikis) doesn’t have time for all of that. He doesn’t care about skin color, he just wants to win, like he did when he went to Ohio State. Almost went to the Olympics too!

And um. You know. Watch Jesse train, work, and make mistakes. He breaks many records, which the movie goes into, and qualifies for the Olympics! The Olympics that were being held in BERLIN, GERMANY, in 1936 before World War II (although they didn’t know it at the time).

So we also have the side plot of America maybe protesting and not going to the Olympics. Avery Brundage (Jeremy Irons) wants us to go, so he heads to Germany ahead of time to make sure there aren’t big human rights issues. Jeremiah Mahoney (William Hurt) leads the Olympic Committee and wants America to not compete.

Also starring Eli Goree and Shamier Anderson as fellow Black American racers. In Germany is Joseph Goebbels (Barnaby Metschurat), leader of the Olympic games, Leni Riefenstahl (Carice van Houten). director who wants to film the games, and Luz Long (David Kross), the best European racer.

That’s not him, he is Swedish, not German! But that is Jesse.

Race is 145 minutes long, telling the story of Jesse Owens, the fastest man in the world and winner of multiple Gold Medals. Kind of a lot of time for a guy who didn’t take a long time. It also tells the story of the movie Olympia, which depicted the games and was directed by a woman director. It also tells the story of Avery Brundage, a rich architect, who might have had bad dealings with the Nazis.

Race is crowded and too long. The other side stories are a little bit interesting, but they can get the fuck right out of here. It seems messed up for someone like Owens to finally get a biopic, and have to share it with a scumbag and a German director. Similarly, Owens had to face a lot of racial pressure. The NAACP didn’t want him to go, protesting Germany’s shitty human rights laws and compare them to the USA. So if he went, he could let down his race. If he didn’t go, he could let down his race. It was intense.

But this is also a true story. We know he went. We know he kicked back. The third or fourth time we had to see him threaten to stay home got ridiculous. Repetition only helps build the character so much.

It is a shame too. James acted great in this, and so did Sudeikis. I thought I had seen him as a coach before, but it was just a long commercial playing a Football coach. Check it out. They are the story here and you can tell they both care about the subject matter.

Race is just too bloated to tell the best possible story.