Tag: 1 out of 4

Three major movies came out on Christmas Day in theaters, but they all cannot be winners. Parental Guidance reminds us of that fact. Normally reserved for movies with a little bit more umph, Parental Guidance is the other side of movies, the family friendly bunch. Apparently, families sometimes go out to see movies on Christmas. Guess there is only so much bonding time you can allow between the presents and food eating before you snap.

“Alright fuck it, you kids put away your new toys! Time to watch a movie!”

I honestly think I wrote the intro to this review in my sleep. Does it make any sense?

Artie Decker (Billy Crystal) talks a lot, and for a good reason. He is a baseball announcer, has been most of his life, just for minor league teams. Just one day, one day, maybe he will work for the San Francisco Giants. But not if he goes and get fired for not being tech savvy enough. Whoops. His wife (Bette Midler) tries to be supportive, but eh, life sucks.

Speaking of life sucks, their only daughter Alice (Marisa Tomei) has three kids of her own, an overachieving oldest daughter, Harper (Bailee Madison), a younger son Turner (Joshua Rush) with a stutter, and a little boy Barker (Kyle Harrison Breitkopf) who ha imaginary friends and is overly hyper. But her husband (Tom Everett Scott) is a smart one, and he made a smart house after many many years. He is even winning an award, gets to go to some place in California for it. A nice vacation for the two of them, but all these kids and responsibilities…

Oh no, the only people are available are her parents! Their old fashioned life style can’t possibly interact with the new way of raising children, all sugar free, never saying negative things, letting them eat and dress themselves, technology enabled, never losing, and full of derp.

Frankly, I think she deserves this for wearing such an awkward looting sweater dress.

I think I tried hard to not have a bias going into this movie, but the movie sure did its best to strengthen the bias. I should note that Billy Crystal didn’t suck in this movie, after all, he is Billy Fucking Crystal. His character provided laughs and made the film a bit better than horse shit. I think that is what the director was counting on though.

The problem is that every time some good moments almost seemed to go together to make it a decent scene or moment, the film pace changed to crash it into a head palm moment. Not in the “Oh great, now the kids are back and annoying” or anything. Just certain decisions were pretty damn annoying.

Best non Billy Crystal part? Gedde Watanabe was in the movie. Here is one of his great scenes from UHF.

Haha! Ha ha ha! See what I did there? [Future readers will note the posting date].

Because of the really fucking large cast of New Year’s Eve, I decided that all of my tags will not list the actor name in parenthesis like normal, just tag the character. You can see the name if you hover your mouse though. That will make it at least a small mystery, if you don’t care. Maybe fuck with you a bit. After all, something needs to make it more interesting.

Except for Ryan Seacrest. He only plays himself, always and forever. Just like Bloomberg.

YEAH ITS NEW YEAR’S EVE IN NEW YORK CITY. Time to party! Well, maybe. People gotta work, shit is still going down.

Like hospitals! Turns out people still are giving birth. But did you know at this specific NYC hospital, they have decided to give away a $10,000 prize to the couple who birthed the first baby of the new year. One Man/woman couple has been planning this out for months. The other man/woman just found out about it today. Who can push out a baby first? Also, doctors. They are a thing.

The opposite of babies is happening, people are getting old and dying. Like that one old guy. His doctor doesn’t know if he will make it to the new year. He might though, hopefully the daughter will make it in time. But until then, a nurse shall keep him company, despite her own “Date” that night to worry about.

One woman is fed up with the holiday mess. She has a boss who sucks, and wont give her time off despite already promising it. So she quits, and really wants to complete all the resolutions she made last year before the new year. Well, its impossible. But she gets a courier to help her anyways.

The courier’s sister is having problems with her daughter, who really wants to go out to times square for new years. The courier’s friend is jaded about new years, after a bad break up the previous year. He gets stuck on an elevator with an uppity girl, who really needs to get to times square for her job. What job? Back up singer to Jensen, huge celebrity who is performing on the main stage!

Turns out he only agreed to do this job, to get closer to an ex girlfriend of his. She runs a catering business, and demanded that she cater the very fancy party. Pretty sneaky sis. Too bad he also has to deal with very busty fan girls.

One man just watched his last single friend get married. He is the last one! But no worries, he has to go to NYC tonight anyways to do a speech for his work. Good year or something. But last year he met the woman of his dreams, just didn’t get her name. Will she be at the location that she promised to be at a year later? Just who is she?

But lastly, when you think of NYC NYE, you think of the ball drop. Someone has to run that thing, damn it. The woman in charge is on her first year, and is good friends with the head of police too. But there is an issue. The only way to fix it is to call back a fabled old mechanic, who they fired earlier in the year. Whoops. Awkward.

Nothing says a new year, like Ashton Kutcher, right?

I can honestly say that I found basically none of these plot lines that interesting. That seems like a big problem. Unlike Valentine’s Day, which had some storylines that I enjoyed (and still need to review!), this one had nothing for me. Shit, I also have to review New York, I Love You, another similar movie (Except rated R).

The best part of the movie for me is that I got paid $18 to have it. My first copy didn’t work, got it exchanged at Wal-Mart, they messed up the return (Which I pointed out), but laziness occurred, an I profited. Hey, that’d be reason enough to give a 4 out of 4 in my book. More people should give me money to own a movie.

Yay Christmas!

Personally, my Christmas this year will involve waiting for 3pm to happen, so I can watch some kick ass movies in theaters all night. No special plans, just movies. Because movies are awesome.

Either way, I figured I should review a Christmas movie for Christmas, and there really hasn’t been that many this year or last I guess. So why not the British/American CGI family film Arthur Christmas?

“Wait is his last name Christmas?” No. No it is Claus. Fuck your sensible titles.

Arthur (James McAvoy) is a bumbling fool, the youngest of two sons, and has to spend most of his time answering letters sent to Santa (Jim Broadbent). He hasn’t been the only Santa, he is like the twentieth and is currently on his 70th year. But he is older now, and slower. In fact, the older brother Steve (Hugh Laurie) is very high tech, and delivered most of the toys using an army of elves and a giant ship.

He should be the next Santa, any day now…but current Santa is having an identity crisis and doesn’t want to stop! His wife (Imelda Staunton) doesn’t help, nor does his own dad, lets call him Old-Santa (Bill Nighy) who complains left and right.

Unfortunately, one present gets left behind. Although it is statistically insignificant, and they can always get it to the child later, no reason to risk being scene or anything. But Arthur doesn’t accept this as an answer. No, he takes Old-Santa, a present wrapping elf (Ashley Jensen) and another elf (Marc Wootton). Can they save Christmas for one special girl? Also, is it worth it?

I might have watched this completely agreeing with the brother the whole time.

I guess that sums up my point pretty accurately. I am far too old and logical to really grasp this movie. One kid doesn’t get a Santa Present (yet still get some other presents from parents)? Not a big deal. Hell, they are going to give it to her the next night, but if she doesn’t get it the morning of, before she wakes, the magic is all gone and there is no Santa? Come on now.

Such a small issue.

I mean, Steve had that shit down pat. Missed a child, at the fault of current Santa, will be better next year, good to go. Christmas spirit, schistmas spirit. I just could never really get into this movie. I thought the animation looked a bit old. It was weird that everyone sounded British as well. Didn’t really laugh, just kind of felt annoyed at all the stereotypical characters. It was good that everyone had faults though. Life isn’t perfect in the North Pole.

But really, it wasn’t for me at all. Maybe it will work for you! At least it focuses on the best part of Christmas, getting presents. Hooray!

You know what one of the weirder feelings ever is? Finding a movie that you have never heard of because it went straight to video, and actually having mostly really big actors in it.

I never know what is to blame for something like that, but I assume it is due to shitty post processing or whatever, a good idea that people liked became shit, and then they just had to try and bury it. It is not like Fire With Fire is a bad title, just kind of a cheesy one.

Firefighter with Firefighter would have been a completely different movie.

Yes, Jeremey (Josh Duhamel) is a firefighter. A nice bad ass one in Long Beach, California. But when he is celebrating a nice extinguished fire, he happens to witness a murder at a convenience store! Not just any murder, but in fact, the head of the local white power gang, David Haghn (Vincent D’Onofrio)!!! For whatever reason, he doesn’t have his lackies do his business, like Vinnie Jones, but does it himself. Oh well, sucks to be him.

Now Jeremy gets sent away for witness protection, to the magical land of New Orleans. The cop on the case, Mike Cella (Bruce Fucking Willis) is trying to rush the court date, so Jeremy can go back to living his life. Because once a criminal is in jail, he can no longer hurt you.

But first, he is going to fall in love with a cop in NO, Talia (Rosario Dawson). Eventually he realizes that yes, gang boss in jail does not make him safe, especially when they are able to find him in witness protection. So he does what any sane person would do. Go back to California, away from your escorts, and wage war on the gang himself! Maybe he can even get some of the crips to help, lead by 50 Cent.

I know everyone is excited to see Curtis Jackson back up and acting.

Alright, my apologies to the director or editor or whoever I blamed for post processing suckitude. Because that wasn’t the only problem, the writer has to share the blame as well. Turns out the plot was really bad, along with the acting/dialogue. At one point, when the mobsters find out his location in NO, the sniper fails to hit either of their vitals, but just Rosario Dawson in like, the shoulder or something. But the entire scene leading up to it with gun training, during it, and after, my head did not leave my palm. It was so bad to watch.

Unfortunately, that was early on in the film as well. The convenience store scene was bad, Bruce Willis was bad, it was just all bad. I found it very easy to start multi-tasking when he decided to go back to Cali and take down the gang by himself. Very easy indeed. Lets just say, fire got used.

Playing For Keeps is a popular phrase, and it happens to be one of my favorites thanks to “Talladega Nights“. Just yelling “I play for keeps!” at someone in an argument makes it all the more exciting somehow. It might also diffuse the argument completely into laughter. Win win right there.

Gerard Butler, fresh off of his last box office bomb Chasing Mavericks is hoping that he can, you know, make a movie that turns a profit for once in the last five years.

Spoilers: This is an even bigger let down.

George Dwyer (Butler) used to be somebody, he used to be a contender. He was a great soccer star in Europe, but got injured and had to leave the game. Some how during that, he also lost his wife (Jessica Biel) and son Lewis (Noah Lomax), moved to Canada to open up a bar and do real estate. Yeah, that makes sense.

But after some time, he lost it all again, and moved to Virginia to reunite with his son! Too bad “the man” has got him down, he owes a lot of money, and can’t get a job. He wants to be a sports caster, and wants his son to love him. So why not become the local AYSO soccer coach? Why not use your accent to bang half the town while trying to chase after your ex-wife before she gets married to some guy named Matt (James Tupper)?

Speaking of housewives, we have one housewife who is lonely (Judy Greer), a housewife who used to be a sports caster (Catherine Zeta-Jones), a housewife who is being cheated on and rich (Uma Thurman), said rich husband who tries to buy his friendship (Dennis Quaid), and the principal from Glee as the owner of his property (Iqbal Theba)!

Basically everyone in this suburban neighborhood is rich and powerful, yet somehow couldn’t get a decent soccer coach til George. Very strange.

He may have banged everyone in this photo. Maybe. Just saying.

Ugh. Ughhh. I feel like every stereotypical thing that may have happened in a RomCom, happened in this movie, and then some more. Ready for some SPOILERS? Well, surprisingly enough, the two do get back together by the end.

By the end, he also will realize his family is more important than his career, although the job he gets in Virginia can’t ever be as well off as his job at ESPN. Changing his life for the better monetarily will have to wait a bit.

He also is still able to let down his kid, mess up his coaching duties, and let everything blow up before he almost convinces his wife to leave her new fiance. Matt. Matt is a useless character. He is in a lot of scenes, but he barely has any lines, has no personality, and is just a waste of space. They really didn’t want you to pay attention to him at all.

Dennis Quaid’s character looked like he would have a heart attack, the entire movie. An interesting direction to take a character, but it was only annoying.

I am also not sure of the audience for this movie. It is rated PG-13, despite looking a lot like a family movie. Why the high rating? Because of Uma Thurman clad in lingerie in his bed, and the other sex scenes involving Judy Greer and Catherine Zeta-Jones. Nothing too graphic, but they do exist.

Playing For Keeps is a formulaic movie that also tries to include things that would appeal to many different groups, which in turn just makes it work for no one.

My 666th review is Devil. Need I say more?
God, I’m so fucking clever.

Hey look, some people in an elevator.

The movie begins with a person jumping off of a skyscraper and landing in a car, pretty far away. Okay. Like, super far. But Detective Bowden (Chris Messina) is on the case! After investigating, he sees that a skyscraper has a broken window, so we are good to go.

But uh oh, the elevator has stopped! That sucks. Must be out of repair. There are five people on it too, a security guard (Bokeem Woodbine), a salesman (Geoffrey Arend), a mechanic (Logan Marshall-Green), an old woman (Jenny O’Hara) and a young woman (Bojana Novakovic).

And uhh, the Devil might actually be one of them in disguise? Hell, they might all be bad people too, and needing to repent for their sins. That is what one of the security guards thinks (Jacob Vargas), and an older non religious guard (Matt Craven). Watching it all go down, except for when the power goes out randomly.

Hey look, an action scene.

Although not the director, it shouldn’t surprise anyone to find out that M. Night Shyamalan is involved with this picture. There might be a twist by the end, but I felt like I had the whole thing figured out as soon as I saw the cast. Might have had some twists and turns, but really, it is all pretty obvious. Don’t worry, someone is the Devil. They don’t pull a The Village.

But the acting is bad, Chris Messina, what the hell are you doing? Your character barely changed tone the whole movie. Not even during your sob story. Logan Marshall-Green I would say is the best character, while the rest of of the cast just didn’t give a single fuck.

Jesus Christ, the Devil is bad.

Not flipping over the table bad. But just bad enough for me to not even write 400 words about it. How could I? The plot is the devil on an elevator!

Lindsay Lohan has had a troublesome last few years, with her last film role being sexy daughter, in Machete. We all know about the arrests, the drugs, the drinking, the car accidents, but maybe, just maybe, she was doing all of that with a purpose?

Maybe she was secretly doing research on how Elizabeth Taylor might have lived. I don’t know if Taylor was ever into the partying lifestyle, I only know about her many husbands. In fact, getting hitched and divorced seems to be the only thing Lohan didn’t do over the last few years. I take it all back, it was probably just the drugs.

Just in case you missed it, I am saying that Lindsay Lohan is probably nothing like Elizabeth Taylor.

But Lohan needs a comeback, damn it, so she does what any good actress would do. She agrees to play Elizabeth Taylor in Lifetime Original Movie!

Liz & Dick is the “True story” of the relationship between Taylor and Richard Burton (Grant Bowler) and uhh, that is about it.

They met on the set of Cleopatra, and although they were both currently married, they eventually hit it off. Then they have sexy love time, fight a lot, star in each others movies, and then Richard Burton dies.

Hopefully you didn’t want any more detail, because that is about how much the movie provides. Around 90 minutes in actual screen time, “Liz & Dick” does a great job at rushing through every scene and telling as little plot as possible. Apparently the movie was filmed in about 20 days and boy does it show.

But they fight a lot! There is that! Yeah!

Taylor herself was a very successful actress and winner of multiple academy awards. Burton, despite the lack of awards, was known for his great acting especially on stage. Take two interesting people and make a movie of their love life, you’d think it would work out well, yet somehow this film fails to deliver. I am not even blaming this on Lohan. She was okay in her role, I guess. Bowler was a bit better, but combined, neither of them really told a compelling story.

Heck, it even had Creed Bratton from The Office show up for a small role, which means you know they weren’t going for quality.

Liz & Dick should be avoided at all costs. Some of you would say that was obvious given the cast and TV movie format, but that would be judging a book by its cover! Apparently an acceptable practice in this movie’s case.

With The Raven we have a movie based on Poe’s works! Hooray! But not just his stories. This is actually a tale set in the “Real world” where someone is off murdering all these people based on the works of Poe. Even better.

I’ve seen weirder concepts for a killer to copycat. I am hoping one day there is a movie about a serial killer basing his kills off of classic Simpsons episodes. But then something else happened. Turns out this is a fictional account of the last few days of Edgar Allen Poe’s life. No one knows about what happened to him before his death, kind of just found him all drunk and dead. So why not have the actual Poe help solve a case about murders based on his book? Ehh, that’s not weird at all.

I hate how much I still think he looks like Matt Macfadyen. Mostly because its all in my head?

Alrighty then. Poe (John Cusack) likes to drink. No one cares about his work, and he is poor. Life is hard, and having a hard life leads to great stories apparently. Some people recognize his work, but I guess at this time, most people don’t care. We all know an artist becomes much more famous once they are dead!

But as you know, some murders go down. Apparently the crime scene looks like The Murders in the Rue Morgue, a story of Poes! Detective Fields (Luke Evans) realizes this and naturally questions Poe. He is all, what in the fucks, and appalled. So he gets brought in to help solve the case! This is good, because he is into the Emily (Alice Eve), but her father (Brendan Gleeson), captain of the force isn’t okay with that. Well, maybe helping out can get him on the good side!

But yeah, he doesn’t really help too much. Stuff keeps happening, based on the Pit and the Pendulum, The Tell-Tale Heart, and more stories I have never heard of. But will the pursuit of the truth in this case be the death of Poe?

Well, yes. That isn’t a spoiler. We know he is dead by the end mysteriously. Hopefully he at least gets an answer though.

I watched this movie and still have no real idea what is up with this scene.

Blah. I either had a weird taste in my mouth the whole time I watched this movie, or I just found the movie itself unappealing. I guess I was a bit turned off knowing that Poe was actually in the movie, rather than just a serial killer imitating Poe’s works later. Which yes, is my fault. But still. Definitely was put off, making it feel like they are cheapening the real tragedy that was Poe’s final days.

It might not help that I didn’t get most of the literary references. I think I have read three whole Poe stories in my life. I probably know more, from TV show allusions or whatever, I just couldn’t name them off the top of my head. But overall I thought the movie was a bit boring, and possibly a rushed piece of work that was trying to cash in…something. I don’t know. Not like there has been any other Poe show/movies that have come out recently. Kind of on its own.

Oh well, I got nothing.

When you get a free movie rental, normally you use it for something you like. I prefer to use it on things I would normally never get otherwise. And that is why we now get to talk about the potentially frightening, laughifying, and hardening movie Zombies vs. Strippers. I have to throw some curve balls every once in awhile, keep you all on your toes.

Or maybe I am doing this just to increase traffic to my website. Who’s to say?

The Tough Titty is a strip club, but with a pretty dumb name. Who would want to go there? The answer is actually no one. They have basically no customers, and the owner Spider (Circus-Szalewski) is going to close up shop. Tonight shall be their last night, so why not officially lock the doors and party! Just the normal crew, and the four strippers on duty.

Sugar Hills (Eve Mauro), the no nonsense “lead” stripper, who is pissed at the news. Vanilla (Brittany Gael Vaughn), a sassy black stripper, because stereotypes are real. Jasmine (Adriana Sephora), a dumb big breasted blond stripper, because stereotypes are super real, and Bambi (Victoria Levine), a younger newer stripper, needing money for some sort of schooling, because the stereotype quota is actually based on hard hitting statistics.

Despite the talk of closing, they manage to get guests in that night, talking about the craziness of the city outside. Sure, some of those guests might be zombies confused at their location, but they are probably harmless. Instead we get low life rock star who wants to party Spike (Adam Brooks), a rich guy who has tons of money to waste (Patrick Lazzara), and a mini bike gang lead by sturn philosopher Red Wings (Brad Potts).

Fuck the characters. You want strippers fighting zombies. Well, eventually, a long time into the movie, that happens. But until then, some bad acting and boobs. Basically the American dream.

Will The Tough Titty be the last bastion of safety for the Human Race during the zombie apocalypse?

“WE ARE NOT ENTERTAINED BY YOUR GLITTER PAINT!”

Zombies vs. Strippers reminds us that when the Zombie Apocalypse happens, not everyone will be in a grocery store or at home. There are many types of jobs out there, and those bills have got to be paid. So of course there would be a strip club, oblivious to the going-ons outside the city. Especially if it was a shitty strip club.

Yet somehow, despite this clearly being a “boobs and laughs” picture, it still seems to be strangled by normal horror movie tropes. Dumb things like, the main actress won’t get naked, even if she is a stripper like the rest. Sorry to break it to you blokes. Also, I am British now.

There was a pretty extreme lack of zombies and strippers battling it out as well. Really didn’t happen until the end, and felt a bit underwhelming. You will probably be surprised at who survives until the end, and might even wonder what happens next. I have been told that Zombie Strippers, which came out four years prior is a much better film. Not sure if that is just because of the lead actress or not though.

But the mere existence of that film makes this one a cheesy “skinemax” parody of the other, unfortunately. It is important to note that this film delivered a bit of what it promised, but probably could have used more jokes, more boobs, and more zombies.

Miraculously, Chasing Mavericks is not a story about John McCain and his quest for presidential glory. Nor is this about an unbranded calf (definition on google). Apparently it is a local Californian term for a mythical giant wave that actually occurs somewhere near Santa Cruz!

Ah yes, the legend of the big wave. Only the coolest of surfers could be cool enough to surf them.

As awesome as Butler? We will see. You might be able to surf on his hair.

The story of Jay Moriarity (Jonny Weston) is one based around the ocean. He had it tough growing up. His dad left him when they were young, his mother (Elisabeth Shue) is bad with money and cannot hold down a job. But hey, as long as he has his surfboard, he is a happy man.

He was actually saved as a kid after falling in the waves, by one of his neighbors, Frosty Hesson (Gerard Butler). A successful handy man with a wife (Abigail Spencer) and kids, he told her he would give up surfing the big waves, but still does it anyways. Not like lying has ever gotten anyone in trouble.

Ever since that day, Jay has been fascinated with the waves. But one day he finds the secret cove where Mavericks form, hidden away and yet being surfed on by his beighbor! The biggest waves he has ever seen and some nice pointy rocks. Well he says he wants to surf on them, and eventually convinces Frosty to train him. He agrees to train his mental, physical, spiritual, and emotional sides in order to conquer these beasts. At the same time he is attempting to woo his favorite girl (Leven Rambin) by being a great friend. Hah.

This also takes place during the 1990s El Nino, fucking everything up, meaning it is making crazier, bigger waves. So big, the secret area is no longer that secretive and a lot of people (amateurs) show up to conquer the mavericks, creating a huge potential for death.

I am now going to call tidal waves “huge potentials for death” from now on.

If you didn’t know, Jay Moriarity is an actual person, and this is his biographical movie. So if you click that wiki link, there will be some spoilers. Basically, he is considered a soul surfer, someone who surfs for the love of it only and is not to be confused with the other recent biographical surfing movie, Soul Surfer. He was made famous thanks to a photographer capturing his picture at the top of a Maverick crest.

But enough history, the movie itself? Typical feel good sports training film. You know how it will end, he will surf the wave. If you know the actual person, you will be aware of other events that happen in the film too. The only other feature this movie might have for entertainment purposes would be cool surfing scenes. I would describe them as “okay.”

For some reason, Chasing Mavericks has an incredibly slow feeling. It begins with a quote that doesn’t make too much sense, and ends with a scene that feels forced and awkward. There might be some inspirational moments in here that speak to certain people, but all in all, the fact that this was a real kid isn’t even that impressive. I’d say it offers not much in the film world, and it makes me wonder if there are any good surfing movies out there.