Tag: 1 out of 4

Upside Down hit theaters in the first half of March, but it ended up only getting limited release. I am not sure, everything about it made it seem like a movie America would go bonkers over. A nice love story, science fiction, CGI, famous people, and a decent sized budget.

But due to its limited release (11 in the USA its first week), and no one hearing of it, it might as well have gone straight to DVD. Very strange indeed. It was totally released in other countries first, including Russia all the way in August 2012. Fucking Russians, starting to get random foreign yet still American movies before us.

This is the second movie to feature Miss Dunst kissing in a strange way.

In some other part of the universe, we have two planets that rotate around a star. However, these planets are very very close to each other and spin together, around the star. They each have their own gravitation field and humans living on them. But an item that is created or born on one planet will only be affected by the gravity field on that planet. No, it doesn’t make sense in real science terms, but its a movie, so lets call it magic.

You can offset your weight with items from the other world and fall the other way of course, but the matter on different planets will get hotter over time if in contact with each other and eventually burn up. Apparently, in this movie, matter doesn’t include humans, just items.

Either way, one planet sucks, the other is rich. The rich one exploits the poor one, pretty standard stuff. Adam (Jim Sturgess) ended up accidentally meeting a girl from the rich planet, Eden (Kirsten Dunst) when they were kids, climbing mountains that almost go up to each other. Due to an accident they stop seeing each other and go on with their lives.

Ten years later, Adam has decided to join “TransWorld” as a scientist, the only building/company that attaches both planets in one miraculous building. He has been working on a special powder/cream that is anti-aging, or at least anti-gravity, if you catch my meaning. But really, he is doing it just to get access to the top planet, find out if the woman of his dreams remembers him, and hopefully woo her off of her feet. Figuring out how he can stay on their side of vice versa, without getting jailed is a problem to think about later.

Timothy Spall gets a shoutout here, for finally being in a movie where he isn’t a slimy villain like character.

So if you think about it, even Timothy Spall is topsy-turvy in this movie.

I did spend most of the plot outline going over just how the world works, in non spoiler-y terms. Not specifically what Jim and Kirsten actually do in this movie. Why? Well, the actual plot itself is very weak. They spend a good deal of time at the start going over the worlds like I do, and then apparently spend the rest of the movie ignoring their set in stone rules. Incredibly inconsistent with what is going on, numerous plot holes, and they use one of the laziest story writing techniques out there: Amnesia. Ugh.

The climactic ending scene ended up only being confusing, never sure which way was up, down, or who was in danger at any given moment. But it definitely had guns, and definitely had people with very poor aim. The actual end end scene felt cheesy and rushed.

Overall, this is incredibly disappointing. The concept is fucking amazing, with endless possibilities, but this film doesn’t deliver. It has many inconsistencies with the rules and what happens, so the sci-fi nerds will rage over that. The romance is a bit weak, so those romantics will also be disappointed in it.

It should be noted that the film is very gorgeous. It is CGI heavy and they put a lot of work into it. That is the biggest plus it has going for it, which is a shame.

1 out of 4.

I didn’t plan on watching Little Birds, it was right next to the movie I wanted in the store. But that movie was gone, so fuck it, why not. Could be good.

I will admit, I had a huge brain fart when I picked it though. I saw that it had Juno Temple as an actress in the movie, so I of course went, “Ohh, I love Ellen Page!”. Damn that movie Juno confusing me every time.

Come on Juno. You are on the back of a bicycle. Smile like you fucking mean it! The story is mainly about two girls living in Salton Sea, California and they are poor as fuck. Well, decently poor. Lily (Juno Temple) is shown with cut marks around her vagina, clearly there from some attempted suicide. Which her dad totally did. Her mother (Leslie Mann) is doing the best she can, and pretty dang caring, but Lily is super angsty at 15, so she doesn’t care.

Alison (Kay Panabaker) is living with her dad, who is a super alcoholic. She also lost her mom, but to the Cancer. She and Lily are great friends, except Alison actually has a positive enough outlook in life. Because she isn’t a cunt.

Eventually they meet some skater boys, and said see you later town, it wasn’t good enough for them.

Yep, they decided to leave the area, steal Alison’s uncle’s truck, and drive to LA a few hours away to meet the boys. Lily is totally into Jesse (Kyle Gallner), where Alison doesn’t really care for any of them, but gives into peer pressure. The leader of the boys is David (Chris Coy), who is a no good, do nothing. They all are runaways too, living in a not so very safe abandoned apartment.

So why not get into shenanigans? Outside of normal crime and skateboarding. Like setting up dates for Lily with middle aged men to steal their shit when they get back home. Yeah, that can’t go wrong.

It was pretty great living for the boys before Lily/Ali joined them. Well, this is an indie coming of age movie. It turns out most of these are all the same. We have unlikable characters, doing unlikeable things, leading me to not liking the movie. Crazy how that works out.

I wouldn’t say that the acting was bad, just I was incredibly bored by all of it. It took a long long time for the girls to meet the boys and go to LA, where any excitement started to happen. It was a chore to watch Lily bitch the whole film about her life and hate her mom, for no reason at all.

But then when we got to LA, it took awhile still to get exciting. The ending was a bit exciting, but I hate out they ultimately decided to go with the scene. Sure, it was unpredictable, but the predictable ending would have been a lot better and make more sense.

Kay Panabaker was the best part of this movie, although she has yet to be in any movie that I have rated decently. Come on woman, I liked you (ish) in No Ordinary Family. Make your sister proud.

1 out of 4.

Noobz is a funny word. It sounds like boobs. One of the best early memories of Pure Pwnage involved asking random women questions about gamers, including if they though the word noob was sexy.

The answer is no, because noobs are lame and thus not sexy. Gotta have skills to get the ladies.

Either way, I watched this movie for a number of reasons. One of which is a lot of video game references and jokes. Hurrah!

The second and final reason is motherfucking Jay.

Noobz is about a group of gamers going to a gaming competition in California. They are members of “Reign”, a clan who plays Gears of War 3. For whatever reason, Gears of War 3 is the biggest game ever during this time, and it is thus a competition that everyone who is anyone cares about. It is a best 2 out of 3, 4 on 4 match, and that is it. Not much gaming for a round, no, but hey, whatever.

Cody (Blake Freeman) is actually the fourth best in the world, and the rest of his team is no where near as good. He claims he would be first best if his wife didn’t get mad at him, and his shitty job as a realtor wasn’t getting in the way. Good news is, he loses that job and his wife leaves him early in the movie. Yay!

Andy (Jay Mewes) works at a gaming store, and wants to go to the fest. He is willing to pay Andy for a shot of some of his prize money. They also have Oliver (Matt Shively), who exists only as a really long gay joke. Because he does gay things, and claims he is straight. That is his only purpose. Their final member is Hollywood, aka a guy who was on Starship Troopers.

But yeah, they go to the fest to play Gears Of Wars 3. Trying to win $400,000.

There is also a side story of Greg “Armagreggon” Lipstein (Jon Gries) who was a big deal in the 1980s, doing the coin operated arcade circuit. He was world champion at everything. Everything but Frogger. This year is his comeback and his chance.

Also, Moises Arias is in this, but I don’t want to spoil his role. If you watch it.

She is in this movie for one scene. She has boobs. Not for noobs though.

Alright, well I wanted a lot of nerd jokes, and unfortunately this movie didn’t really have any. Like. Not many at all. For Serious. Some gamer language was used, and their gamer tags were a little bit clever, but most of the jokes came out as gay jokes, or slap stick only. Pretty weak.

Oliver’s gamer tag was of course Fragget. Or something similar, not sure.

There was also a love story, which made the ending a lot worse than it should have been. It was predictable unfortunately, so I’d rather not talk about it.

Mewes was okay in the movie.

The intro for them to get to their expo took forever, and didn’t have many jokes attached to it. Unfortunately, the best jokes were of course in the blooper real in the credits.

But this movie is not a 0, no no. Because jokes did take me by surprise and I did laugh a few times. It was just incredibly low quality, and underwhelming. That is all. Don’t watch it, for sure, but I was not pissed off by the time it finished.

1 out of 4.

I saw the trailer for Quartet once, probably. I think. Yeah, just once. Looked interesting. Comedy about a group of old people musicians. They might sleep around.

Then I realized. Literally, just now, that I actually saw a trailer for A Late Quartet, and not Quartet. Yep, two different movies about old people musicians within six months of each other probably. That explains why I thought I saw cellos on the cover of Quartet. Whoops.

Hey, statistically half of that applause is probably for the other film. Gloat less, please.

In the UK, there is a retirement home for older musicians. Basically, every single one of them end up going too, if they were a big deal, they are totally there. Strange that none of them just live out their life in luxury and want to go to the retirement home.

Well, despite all the big names, the retirement home is constantly fighting to stay alive. They have a yearly gala to raise money to try and stay afloat, where they all put on a show of music and singing. Some dancing too, maybe.

Big news! Jean Horton (Maggie Smith), famed opera singer is totally joining their ranks now that she has a bad hip. But, gossip side, she was supposed to marry Reginald Paget (Tom Courtenay), but cheated on him and left him broken hearted. She might not have known he was at the same home, even though it makes perfect sense.

Well, Reginald’s good friends, Wilf Bond (Billy Connolly) and Cissy (Pauline Collins), decided that they need to convince Jean to sing in the gala with them a special piece. A famous Quartet that they all used to do back in the day.

But Jean doesn’t want to, because she is worried she can’t sing as well anymore. Not to mention the awkwardness of being around Reginald. Oh boy, if they do convince her, will they actually be good? Also featuring Michael Gambon as the Gala director, and Sheridan Smith as the head nurse.

Maggie Smith’s contract says she cannot appear more than twice in the same review.

Fuck this movie. Shit. Like, nothing happened. This is the first time director role for Dustin Hoffman, and I couldn’t be more disappointed with the end result. It is actually just some secret love song for famous opera singers and musicians in the 50s to the 80s, and they might have used actual people to play the other house guests. So most of the film was old people singing to change between scenes, which is fine as a transition, but the scenes were never really that good.

It was slow. But more importantly I noticed something. The practicing for the gala was shown in a montage. I was getting worried they wouldn’t actually give us the group singing. After all, they are actors not singers. Lo and behold, when it came time for them to perform, we got jack shit from the actual actors, making this film feel like 100 minute of just teasing us. Come on, let Maggie Smith get her sing on, fuckers.

The only redeeming quality for this movie, and for why it is not a 0 out of 4, is for Billy Connolly. Hot damn, his character was hilarious, and pretty fantastic.

1 out of 4.

Some things in life are timeless.

A lot of those things are classic movie villains. Sure you have your Draculas and your Frankensteins. But in the 80s we were introduced to a new batch. Like Jason! And Freddy Krueger.

So with these franchises already past the point of overabundance, I don’t care if we get a remake. Why the hell not? It couldn’t get worse. They could even change everything about how it got started, and I probably wouldn’t care. Just give me cool deaths or something, maybe real scares, and make him terrifying.

Well, right now he looks like burnt beans. I mean that kid from Even Stevens.

Guess what. In this movie, people are dying in their dreams. There are Nightmares On Elm Street, and they are deadly.

Dean Russell (Kellan Lutz) is flipping his shit at a diner, and it appears that he slits his own throat in a dream like sequence. He is being attacked by a strange man, burnt face, hat, blades on one hand. Oh yes, the Freddy Krueger (Jackie Earle Haley) is all up on his life.

So I feel strange talking about the plot outline of this movie. It is fucking A Nightmare On Elm Street. He kills people in dreams, because he died a long time ago for being a pedo. SOmehow magic is involved. Some of the teens begging to die include Katie Cassidy, Kyle Gallner, and Thomas Decker. Rooney Mara gets to be our main lady, so she might survive. We shall see.

Oh, is Freddy a teacher now? There is no joke here.

Wait, did you see the cast listing? Outside of Mara, they have basically Twilighted this series. Maybe the original had some big teen stars too, but they didn’t have Twilight. This one is more obvious.

What really bugged me was the high quality of the camera work. It made the movie seem fake, having it set to ultra HD standards. The 80s movies are gritty, because that was the only quality available, but it also added to the fear. The crisp quality made me actually hate the movie, which I don’t think I ever said before. It just took me out of the moment.

Rehashing the story felt silly the whole time. Another problem? None of the deaths felt particularly creative or anything. The plot to fight back was stupid. The ending was stupid. The movie/remake was stupid.

1 out of 4.

A lot of work went into the PR for After Earth. The first trailer was pretty epic on its own right, but quickly got old the third time seeing it in theaters. But one thing you will notice is that outside of the trailers, the director information has been kept a bit secret. M. Night Shyamalan, famous director that people love to hate, has his name in small font on the posters. It is like they don’t even trust the director.

I think the film might be enjoyable as long as the main star doesn’t die in the first 20 minutes leaving only his son to do all the heavy lifting.

I was going to make an inference from this picture, but mmm, volcano. After Earth takes place in…the future! Surprising, I know. Mankind messed up Earth, forcing us to leave and Earth evolved without us. Unfortunately, the new place we moved to had deadly creatures as well. Creatures that were blind, but could smell fear and would go on a killing rampage against humans. Great new planet! Well, Cypher Raige (Will Smith) was the first soldier able to conquer his fear, making himself invisible to the creatures and helping us take back the planet!

Now he is a decorated soldier and lead commander of the armed forces. His son, Kitai (Jaden Smith), can’t even crack the ranger squad. In an attempt to bring them closer together, Cypher brings his son a simple transport mission which unfortunately runs into a freak teleporting asteroid storm, of some sort? The ship crashes down on a strange planet, killing everyone but our father son pair. Cypher has broken both of his legs, and the homing beacon is in the tail half of the plane, 100km across the planet.

Of course, it is Earth they have crash landed on. The wildlife there have evolved to take out human life! Even worse, the ship was transporting one of those blind “smell fear” creatures, who most certainly got loose on the planet and is looking for blood. Yay!

Oh hey, there he is, near the finale of the film. How convenient! Well, the good news is that Will Smith survived the crash. The bad news is, he didn’t really do anything in the film! His character gets to be a stoic commander, devoid of all emotion, which means he doesn’t have to do much in the way of acting. Just a lot of grimaces, and slowly talking to his son over an intercom.

Yes, After Earth is basically Will Smith trying to turn his son Jaden Smith into an action star. Which is fine, but people don’t like being duped into expecting an action movie with Will Smith as an action hero, and instead getting an “action movie” with Will Smith on the side. Speaking of action, I would define this movie’s genre of “Sci-Fi Drama Adventure”, as there wasn’t really much action. A lot of running away from Jaden’s character. So yeah, in addition to the ruse, we have a bit of a boring movie.

This isn’t even taking into account the recent theories that this movie is also a vehicle for Scientology. But I won’t get into that. I don’t care if movies are secretly religious, in fact, I liked Battlefield Earth. I thought it was hilarious.

After Earth turns out to be very predictable, giving nothing new to the genre. For those worried about the director, he really isn’t the problem with this movie, and there are secret twists to worry about. The problem is just the entire concept.

1 out of 4.

I am proud to say that I actually saw Despicable Me in theaters. Yes, now I see everything in theaters, but in 2010, it was rare as shit. But I was like hey, those yellow things look cute. Let’s watch the movie!

I figured I should probably write a review on it now, with the sequel coming out later this summer. Did you know know about Despicable Me 2? I find that impossible. Their ads have been everywhere since January at least. Open your eyes people.

Yeah, your eyes like you were on a roller coaster.

Gru (Steve Carell) is an evil genius mastermind! Trust me, he is wicked evil. The best at being a villain of all time. How do you know? Because he says so, and he has minions! Little tiny yellow minions, that are awesome. They speak inaudibly and they are the main selling point of this movie, really.

Either way, he isn’t so cool anymore. Some young upshot villain named Vector (Jason Segel) (because he has magnitude AND direction) has stolen the great pyramids. Yeah, what a dick. Now Gru feels inadequate and has to one up them by stealing the moon. Jeez. But he can’t get a loan from the Bank Of Evil / Mr. Perkins (Will Arnett) without a shrink ray in development, so he steals one! Success! Vector steals it from him though. Damn.

So Gru gets the idea to adopt three little girls, make them go to Vector’s house to sell cookies, so he can sneak in and grab the gun back. Then he can dump the kids off later. But they are rambunctious individuals. Ballet. School. Amusement parks. They are hard to take care of, especially when he isn’t cut out to be a parent. But then he learns…to love. Russell Brand plays Dr. Nefario, the scientist that works for Gru.

Aw shit yeah, I forgot I can have gifs on here. Look at how cute those fuckfaces are.

Did I mention I love the yellow minions? Yeah. Most people do. But that is about all I liked from the movie. The plot was a bit forced for me, and not at all exciting. Obviously it was all about him and the little girls, and obviously the girls were there to mostly be a thorn in his side, but actually learning to care for them in like, a day? How the heck did that work?

I just. I just can’t explain it. I re-watched it and was bored the entire time. Maybe the kids were all too young and that bugged me? Why can’t one of them have been more teenager-y? The oldest is close. But not too close. This was the first feature of Illumination Entertainment, who later gave us the bad Hop and the disappointing Lorax. I in general prefer these awesome sexy CGI animated movies to give us more realistic people, instead of the overextended ones (like Dreamworks tends to do).

Yeah. I know. I think people like this movie just for the minions and I am an old curmudgeon.

1 out of 4.

When doing my “What random shit should I review in between new releases?” run, I walked by Rampart and knew I had to watch it immediately. There is only one reason I know about this movie, and that is because of its horrible PR campaign to promote it.

Basically, on Reddit, Woody Harrelson did an ask me anything before this movie came out. Yes to promote it, but he apparently forgot it was an ask me anything. He only wanted to answer questions about the movie, ignored basically everything else, answer only a dozen or so questions, and most of them badly. One response he said “…i consider my time valuable.” So, the internet was scorned, lots of boycotts against seeing the film, and now no one really knows anything about it.

Don’t fuck with the internet?

Basically, that hobo is the internet, and Woody Harrelson is Woody Harrelson. This is based on the Rampart Scandal. What is that? Exactly. In the 1990s, the Rampart Scandal involved evidence of the LAPD having huge amounts of corruption and misconduct. Over 70 officers were found guilty of being dicks and abusing their power. Pretty serious deal.

Like Dave Brown (Harrelson). He hates everyone equally, so he feels like its okay for him to be a bigoted, racist, sexist, scumbag who beats his perps. I mean, he murdered a serial date rapist. That makes him a good guy right?

Well, he lives with his two ex wives (Anne Heche, Cynthia Nixon). Both of them are sisters, both had a kid with him. Yep, very scumbag.

But a video surfaces of Dave beating up a person who got into a car accident with him. He says it was assault with a deadly weapon, the people think otherwise. This leads to a bigger investigation, and more potential bad stuff Dave has done. They want a forced retirement, he wants to fight it. Silly Dave.

Also featuring Ice Cube, Sigourney Weaver, and Ben Foster.

Do you hear that? That silence? Yeah, those are the fans.Good thing the internet chose to boycott this movie. After all, if they didn’t, we’d have all went and seen it, giving them money, then hating it afterwards. Better to hate it before hand, because an actor doesn’t know how to internet, I guess.

Woody actually did a lot for this role apparently (according to the AMA). Lost weight, had to get in a new psyche of a complete asshole. But I would say most of his recent roles have been assholes to some degree anyways. I can’t imagine it was that hard.

Basically, the movie is just kind of boring. Drama with some action elements. I like dramas! I understand their pacing. This one was not done well is all.

Unfortunately, it will be remembered for all of eternity, as that one movie that pissed people off, not by the content of its character, but by the way it advertised its colors.

1 out of 4.

Some people think Jim Carrey is just a slapstick comedian way past his prime. But those who defend him always note that he doesn’t only do silly and zany movies. The two people talk about the most are The Majestic and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and to a lesser extent The Truman Show. (I am not saying The Truman Show is bad, just that it is still kind of silly. I love it!). But if they want to go a darker path, they will bring up The Number 23, the only “horror”-esque movie he has done. Horror is a very strong term, it is clearly just an eerie thriller.

But after hearing people bring it up, I knew it was my duty to watch it. One day (yesterday). Is it worthy of the praise of the other two films.

Let’s face it, you’d rather watch the movie over read the book right?

Walter Sparrow (Jim Carrey) is a pretty normal guy. Has a wife (Virginia Madsen) and kid (Logan Lerman). He is an animal control officer, basically the coolest job ever (outside of putting down animals sometimes. And the fact that it sucks).

Yep. His life is good. His wife finds the book The Number 23 in the book store, likes it herself, and gives it to her husband as a gift. Which is when things start to get weird for him.

He notices similarities between the main characters childhood and his own. Neighbors were described the name, his mother died the same time as another character in the story. His wife thinks he is reaching of course, because he is nothing like the main character, Detective Fingerling. (Heh). He doesn’t play the sax, doesn’t solve crime, and isn’t a detective. But once they introduce the number 23, and how a character in it becomes obsessed with the number, finding it everywhere in their lives, he too start to find it everywhere in his life. He even begins to dream of killing his wife, scaring him so much he gets a hotel to finish the novel and figure out why it is so dang similar.

Too bad the novel ends at chapter 22, with the detective about to take his own life. What a shame. Maybe the novel is a confession and he just has to figure out who the murderer actually is, not some silly pseudonym?

Who ruins a good wall like that? Bunch of savages in this town.

Well, for those people who point to this film to prove that Jim can be a great actor, I suggest they stop. They are doing a disservice to Jim. After all, he CAN be a great actor. Hell, even Mr. Popper’s Penguins wasn’t complete horseshit thanks to Jim. He has gotten older, and he is kicking ass when he wants to, but The Number 23 is not his best work.

Jim gets to play both Walter and his visions of the Detective in the movie, believing he truly is the star of the book despite the differences. The book is in a dark noir style, but skips around a lot, and basically involves him go crazy, while Walter goes crazy in real life (and drags his son into it). But the number 23 thing, the main plot of the film and title, is really the most important thing. I bet if I looked it up, I would find a lot of factual errors in terms of the facts they gave and what equaled 23. I heard a few in their quick ramblings that just werent true, which is annoying. Did they fact check their facts? (Or is to show that the characters were reaching for more 23s and making up things? How meta).

Either way, it is a strange movie that didn’t improve my life in any way. The only trivia question I can see in it is “What number does Jim Carrey become obsessed with in film?” Ah. 23. Done.

1 out of 4.

Case 39 is a movie I easily walked by hundreds of times before giving it a chance. Why did I give it a chance now?

Boredom, mostly. The cover is boring. The stars aren’t my favorite. I just never cared about ever seeing it.

That is until I found out that Bradley Cooper was in it. Okay, fine, let’s do this.

Neither of these two people are Bradley Cooper.

Emily Jenkins (Renee Zellweger) is a…social worker! Ah yes, social worker, of course. She is pretty full on her schedule too. She works on child neglect things around the city. In fact, she already has 38 open cases! But her boss makes her add one more. Let’s call it Case 39. Great. Fine.

Well, she goes to the house and finds out it is very strange. Lilith (Jodelle Ferland) is starting to do bad at school and her parents are strange. She is a little bit worried about her safety, so checks in her at night a little bit later and finds her parents trying to burn her alive in an oven. Oh shit! They be crazy! They get locked up and she needs a home. Lillith wants to be adopted by Emily, but that is ridiculous.

Too bad it happens anyways. Weird things start to happen. A few weeks later, another of her cases ended up killing his parents. Whoa. Serious business. But the detectives also find out that before it happened, the kid received a phone call from Emily’s home. We all assume it was Lilith, so she gets some of that psychiatrist talk from Doug (Bradley Cooper!!) to figure out whats up. Then Doug kills himself later. Whoa.

Does Lilith have some power over people to cause them to kill themself? Is she just mentally fucked up and brings dismay to others? Or is she secretly an evil demon in a kid body brought to bring torture to everyone around? It could go either way. Straight demon horror film, or psychological thriller. Also there is a detective to help figure out whats up with Ian McShane.

Put that kid in an oven. Kids love oven.

Spoilers? It is totally a demon. They give some hints that it might not be something supernatural, just a disturbed child. Too bad, we get a demon kid movie. She also goes full demon by the end. It is very confusing at what her actual purpose is in this film. It is very irrational, and I have no idea why she even pretends to be a kid instead of just going on a demon rage.

Unfortunately, this film was pretty boring. The psychological route would have made it better overall, with a lot of people slowly going crazy, and that poor kid being in the middle of it. Misery does breed misery. That would require better writing, but it probably would still only be a 2 at that point. The beginning of the film was interesting, but as soon as the social worker decided to foster a child, that clearly interfered with the job, I lost all hope that the movie would be interesting. Sucks to suck, Case 39.

1 out of 4.