Piranha 3DD

Despite its flaws, Piranha had its moments. One of those moments being a geologist who kicked some sort of ass.

But the end of it did leave us with a cliffhanger. Turns out that the big Piranha’s attacking the lake from way back when were actually babies. The adults were much bigger, (as we saw in the last scene a character getting killed by this many meter long fish). Alright, reason for sequel! Piranha 3DD, because of boob jokes.

Water Slide
That’s what you get for going to a water park and expecting to have a good time. Right in the face.

“Fuck your continuity”. That is what the makers of this film said. Despite the knowledge gained in the last film, the only Piranha in this film are the same size as the last film. And smaller, if they want to be. Whatever.

Maddy (Danielle Panabaker, yes from Sky High, because I apparently want to mention that movie as often as I can on this website) is a 49% owner of a water park, yay. The 51% belongs to her step dad, Chet (David Koechner), after her mom died. And well, he is turning the park into a joke of itself.

In its grand re opening, he is trying to sell sex. He fired all the former life guards, and replaced them with strippers (who are technically certified) just to look hot. Has deals to get more women to come to the park, and an adult only pool, where clothing is optional. Oh yeahhh.

Either way, turns out the Piranha’s that fucked the world up last Spring (and apparently no one has noticed moving) have migrated to the local lake, where the water park dumps its water out. According to the mad scientist (Christopher Lloyd) they may be getting confused and start to go through pipes and drains to more populated areas. Uh oh. Like the water park!?

Maddy tries to stop the opening of the park, just in case, but to no avail. And then Piranhas happen. Worst opening day ever. With the help of her best friend who is definitely not gay Barry (Matt Bush) she tries to save the day! Too bad he can’t swim. There is also asshole local cop Josh (Jean-Luc Bilodeau), best friend Shelby (Katrina Bowden) (who we will get to later…) and even David Hasselhoff, playing himself as a “lifeguard”.

Heck, even Ving Rhames returns to reprise his Oscar worth role as a deputy, now without legs after the tragic events of the first film.

There’s no way a Piranha would be in her bath tub. Right?
That’d just be silly. …Right?

Here are some spoilers. The movie ends by setting up for a third movie, like the last one. This time saying the Piranhas are evolving to maybe grow legs and grow on land. But like with this movie, I expect if there is a third, them to say “fuck you” and lie about that as well. (Despite showing one on land, like the big one last time. Bah). Also, I am disappointed with some deaths. The step dad was just stupid. Most of the others were expected. Hated the lake scene before hand too, just because the woman was just incredible dumb.

Speaking of incredible, how bout incredibly painful. The biggest WTF moment in the show happens when you realize that Katrina Bowden’s character has a Piranha inside of her (small one I guess) that chooses to not eat anything. Skinny dipping was the cause, and I will let you figure out what happened there. This doesn’t lead to anything until she has sex where…well you can figure it out.

There was some nice self parodying in there. Hasselhoff put it the best, when someone was yelling for him to help and he refused to leave his chair. Pretty much said he won’t help, they are in a dang pool, once everyone just leaves the pool they will be fine. Not his fault they are all morons. Well put Hasselhoff, clearly the best part of this movie.

The movie did had some nice moments going with it, but by ignoring the first one’s big discovery (seriously?), and other factors, it was just not as good as its predecessor. Also the credits were like 11 minutes long, with extended scenes, bloopers, and more Hasselhoff. Was bizarre.

1 out of 4.

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