Gorgon Reviews

Marry Little Batman was watched early as a screener. It comes out on Prime Video on Friday, December 8th!

Batman! Nununununununununun. I did not count if I put the right amount there, nor do I care.

This Christmas Batman movie is set in a Gotham where…Batman had finished the job! Like, the crime is all gone. Woo. So Batman (Luke Wilson) has been more settled down, and has a son, Damien (Yonas Kibreab). Mother? No idea, I don’t think it is brought up. Maybe it was a mitosis thing.

Either way, Damien is super young and likes to play, but generally in a mansion only has his dad and an Alfred (James Cromwell). There are toys, gadgets, and bat caves. Oh yeah, he knows about Batman.

Anyways, long story short, around Christmas, Batman gets in a jam, appears to be missing or dead, so Damien thinks he needs to done the costume before all of these villains come out and steal Christmas, or whatever.

Also starring Brian George, Dolph Adomian, Therese McLaughlin, and David Hornsby as the Joker.

Why does Alfred look like the world’s wrinkliest long penis? From the very first frames, it became incredibly clear that this is not a movie for me.

Style wise is the first indicator. The animation style was absolutely gross in my mind. Not because of a penis joke I made above, but the style instead just felt like, I am not sure, an early 2000s Cartoon Network show? Something that is super quick and easy? I don’t think animation needs to break the bank every film with futuristic drawing technology, classic is fine, but this isn’t even something appealing to me. It feels like a television show, in the worst way, but goes on for 90 minutes.

The next glaring category was the voice acting. I am not some purist that thinks a certain voice actor is the best actor for the job and should keep doing it. Changing people up is great. (Unless it’s Mario, then they should get an impersonator). But almost no voice really hit for me. Sure, Kibreab as the kid? Fine. Wilson is a great actor, but he never felt like Batman to me this whole film. Just felt like a silly dad. The catalog of villains were all forgettable, except for Hornsby as the Joker. He had some giggles, sure, and it just still felt really off and like I was getting the most reject version of his character they could have made. Something left at the bottom of the bin and ignored.

And finally, the story. It is wild a little bit that part of this plot would have the kid thinking his dad was dead for a large part of this film. And he is hearing his voice on the bat belt. It is played for comedy, and we know that Batman isn’t, but damn, this kid, whose size makes him look like he is 5 years old or younger (look, the animation style is BAD), but it is fucked up. I never feel compelled about any part of this story. I don’t get scared, or excited, or confused. I just watch in boredom, apathy, and a bit of disdain.

I am not saying some people out there might think this is just a cute Christmas movie. The good news for you if you like it, is that it is also turning into a Prime show at some point next year which, well, explains a whole lot more in that regard.

0 out of 4.

Candy Cane Lane was watched early as a screener. It comes out on Prime Video on Friday, December 1st!

Christmas is the best season to be and exist in, according to Chris Carver (Eddie Murphy). Now, it is debatable if he married his wife just because her name, Carol (Tracee Ellis Ross), fit in with the season so well, but his three kids, Joy (Genneya Walton), Nick (Thaddeus J. Mixson), and Holly (Madison Thomas) were certainly named that way for Christmas.

Except this Christmas things are shit. Chris just got laid off. His wife might get a promotion, but he feels bad. And his street always has a giant contest for the best decorated house. He loses to his neighbor (Ken Marino) a lot, who just fills his lawn with inflatable crap, whereas Chris has hand carved wooden sculptures and lights. Well, for some reason, this year there is a cash prize of $100,000 to the best house. That is a chunk of money that can save Chris. And so he wants to make this Christmas the best he can before his oldest runs off to college.

Long story short, he ends up spending a lot of money on a giant Christmas Tree themed after the the 12 Days of Christmas, that is wooden and robotic and spins. And through more plot (eventually), that stuff all comes to life to terrorize his life until he can reclaim all of the golden rings, least he get turned into a toy. Turns out making a deal with an elf (Jillian Bell) is more like making one with the devil.

Also starring Nick Offerman, Robin Thede, Chris Redd, and David Alan Grier as Santa.

Only people with Christmas Sweaters can win Christmas decorating contests, fact.Ah, Christmas movies. What is their goal overall? To make you excited about a holiday that you likely are excited about already? To make you feel a certain way? To make you remember it is coming up? To make you realize some people do holidays way better than you?

Hard to say. Having a main character as an adult just really love Christmas is an interesting idea. Hallmark movies do that all the time.

Honestly, at this point, I think I am just over Jillian Bell as a villain. She was also in the recently straight to streaming, Good Burger 2, as the bad guy. And has been the bad guy before in the past. And it has lost all meaning at this point. Kind of like Ken Marino playing a smug asshole. The side characters don’t do anything for me, which is more important given that Bell is in this movie a lot as a weird vengeful elf.

But what about the main family? Well, they just never really seem to deal with the issues the characters are going through. Murphy lost his job and is now spending a lot money, for a cause, and not looking for something else. That is an issue. The son is failing school class. The main plot line dealt with is the oldest daughter wanting to go to school out of state (and she is a senior, and this is December, so I guess it makes sense for this to be a last second conversation. Although she was also doing Track and Field for high school, which we all know is not in December).

Sorry, I am getting technical.

In terms of the actual plot, it is actually really bad. Collecting the golden rings in 24 hours. Is it figuring out clever puzzles? No not really. It is just aggressively themed ornaments who come into the families life at various points, and they just succeed when the challenge comes to them. They don’t have to go out from their normal activities to find them. No puzzles. Just…rings. Only a little bit of shenanigans, at the end, but hey, it is solved by counter-shenanigans so again, no worries.

Honestly, out of the side characters? I did love David Alan Grier as Santa. I wish he had a bigger part of it.

Candy Cane Lane is a safe movie, that maybe some kids will like the slight zany-ness of the situation that comes up. But it takes a long time before that even starts, and it is spread out slowly through the other slower family plots. There was potentially a good idea here, but it was played safe and slow.

1 out of 4.

This is a review for Totally Killer, out on Prime Video on October 6, 2023.

Oh Jinkies! Living in the year 2022 is so swell. Even for the people in the relatively small community. You know when it wasn’t swell? In 1987, when a masked individual, dubbed the “Sweet 16 Killer” terrorized and killed three sixteen year old ladies! That was totally uncool, and also fun fact, he was never caught.

For Jamie Hughes (Kiernan Shipka), she doesn’t care that much about it. How could it affect her life that much? Well her mother (Julie Bowen) for one. Because those three girls were her best friends, and she has been frightened ever sense. Sure, she has a nice supportive family now, and a protective husband (Lochlyn Munro), but that makes her mom overprotective of HER so Jamie can’t have any fun.

Anyways, SURPRISINGLY, the killer comes back, and comes for her mom. That is totally not cool. 35 years? What the hell dude. Because of plot reasons, Jamie actually ends up going BACK IN TIME, to 1987, a few days before the murders happen. Seems like she knows what to do, stop the killer before he can start! And thankfully, this was after Back to the Future came out, so she can reference that movie and maybe people will just totally get it.

Also starring a lot of people, some of them playing the same character in two timelines! Woo time travel! We have Olivia Holt, Charlie Gillespie, Troy Leigh-Anne Johnson, Liana Liberato, Kelcey Mawema, Ella Choi, Stephi Chin-Salvo, Anna Diaz, Jeremy Monn-Djasgnar, Nathaniel Appiah, Randall Park, Jonathan Potts, Zachary Gibson, Kimberly Huie, and Nicholas Lloyd.

I forget she did Sabrina and can still only think of Mad Men. 

Hey kids? Do you like Freaky? And Happy Death Day? Because this is definitely the movies they want you to compare it too, very much going for fun and death at the same time. Maybe some gnarly deaths, maybe some quirky references. The director, Nahnatchka Khan, is known for comedies, and not her horror, so you can tell that is clearly the bigger focus here. Always Be My Maybe was a wonderful, beautiful, and funny film.

But this is a movie that seems to just completely drop the ball on the scares aspect.

I think the only kill and chase that was only exciting was the first one in the film, when Bowen was attacked. She seemed legitimately afraid for the character. Everything else after that was just a disappointment. Even the final climatic potential scene, where our hero is trying to return to her time finally, with a killer coming towards her. It just felt bloated and didn’t actually live up to its location, where it could have been amazing.

Totally Killer is a GREAT idea for a horror/comedy. And it has the nostalgia element. The film itself looks nice, it just didn’t offer amazing kills, nor did it go beyond the low hanging fruits in terms of joke quality. It is certainly a movie, and you might still like it if you liked the other recent horror comedies. But I don’t think anyone will walk away saying its better than them, which is a shame.

2 out of 4.

There’s Something in the Barn was watched as part of Fantastic Fest 2023!

Bill (Martin Starr) is taking his family to Norway! You see, his Uncle owned a cabin and land out there, but he passed away, and Bill was left the property. So why not upend his whole life to a new place to start over.

You see, Bill’s original wife died in the past. So he had gotten a new wife, Carol (Amrita Acharia), but he had two kids before that, Nora (Zoe Winther-Hansen) and Lucas (Townes Bunner). His new wife, the kids don’t really full accept as a replacement mom, but she is trying. She is into self help seminar speaking. Bill is excited to open up a bed and breakfast place with their new land.

However, and forgive me as I say this, but there appears to be something in the barn. Only Lucas sees it at first, so of course no one believes him. But a local tells him about the Barn Elves that supposedly live in the land, and how they are different than those silly American lawn gnomes. They have rules, they hate noise, they hate bright lights, and will leave you alone if you leave them alone.

So no one cares, there are parties, and sure enough, the elf gets pissed. Time to get revenge with a bunch of his elf friends. Just like they did to the last owner.

Also starring Calle Hellevang Larsen, Jeppe Beck Laursen, and Henriette Steenstrup. And of course some elves were played by actors like Kiran Shah, Paul Monaghan, and Alexander Karlsen El Younoussi.

“I’m not even sure how the debt collectors found my new place in Norway!”

Christmas horror comedy flicks. Is this genre on the rise or what?

Now, I like the idea of a good multi-genre film. For example, we didn’t really have a lot of Christmas horror comedies, besides like, Gremlins sort of. Then eventually we got a Krampus and it became a big hit. And last year we had Violent Night.

I would put There’s Something in the Barn solely between those two movies. Better than Krampus (which was just okay for me), and not as fun as Violent Night. It IS a fun movie in its own right though. There are creative deaths, and a lot of silly moments. I mean, these elves are so dumb looking, it is hard to not find it humorous. But Starr is no David Harbour, when it comes to the physicality and outrageousness of his Santa.

Of course of course, this is not the point of Starr’s character. He is playing the classic screw up father, who is trying to make everything nice, when nothing is. In fact, this might be the first time he has ever played a dad on screen? He was a nerd on Freaks and Geeks and has been sarcastic asshole for so long, its weird that we are getting to that stage in his career.  Am I old now? (yes)

But back to the film. This film is 100% going to join the rotation of others of the similar genre. If you like comedy horrors at Christmas, you will like this one as well. I think it offers something new and interesting, including a bit of a rewatchability factor.

3 out of 4.

The Coffee Table was watched as part of Fantastic Fest 2023!

Can a piece of furniture ruin a marriage? Ruin a family? Of course it can. But is it really the tables fault? Probably not.

You see, for Jesús (David Pareja) and his wife (Estefanía de los Santos). See, she just had their baby. And they have been redecorating their apartment. But according to Jesús, she has decided everything. All the decorations. When they should have a kid. What to do with their free time. Even their son’s name, is a name that he despises. So they have had their arguments. For whatever reason though, she said in their redecorating, that Jesús can pick a new coffee table for their apartment.

So what does he do? Well, he listens to a salesman about a very exotic and recently on sale table. It is glass on top, unbreakable! And the legs are just two naked ladies, plastered in gold. It is absolutely gaudy, and his wife doesn’t like it, but he takes it anyways due to pride.

Now he just has to put it together. But it is missing a screw. These dang Scandinavian designed furniture, and it doesn’t even have all the parts!

It turns out, the missing screw is just the first and smallest of problems. Literally and metaphorically. Things get bad, and get bad quick. The coffee table was a bad choice.

Also starring Paco Benjumea, Eduardo Antuña, and Claudia Riera.

As you can see, the wife was right to judge her husband. 

The Coffee Table, if I had to say anything, is a hard film to recommend. It classifies itself as a dark comedy. And the DARK element of that is super true. I am used to dark comedies dealing with death, and things spiraling out of control. And usually I can find humor in this as well. But holy shit, this one went really dark, really fast. I wasn’t sure where the comedy part was hiding?

I mean, it is awkward still. There is an uneasy chuckle in a few scenes, and the beginning scene is played out for laughs. I was still downright horrified at the events and stayed horrified for the rest of the film, watching as things continued. The conversations were unbearably uncomfortable. I almost turned it off early on, after a scene. I didn’t think I could handle much more of the film. At the same time, I figured the impacts of the scene would move on and we’d see the spiral. But it actually never really moves on. It lingers and it makes you feel and deal with the events.

The ending is a bit predictable. You can tell where things will end up, and it does not disappoint.

The Coffee Table is not for everybody. Hell, it isn’t for most people. But it is for people who want an experience about why not all relationships can just wash away their problems.

3 out of 4.

The Wait (La Espera) was watched as part of Fantastic Fest 2023!

Sometimes being a simple man isn’t always so simple. For Eladio (Victor Clavijo), he doesn’t even know how to read, but he has a wife (Ruth Díaz) and a son. He works at a ranch, which comes with a free house to live in. What does he do at this estate? Barely anything to be honest. He maintains the grounds for the rich owner, who never comes out to visit.

But the main crux of the job is that sets up various stands to rent out to hunters to hunt deer and wild boar from. He makes sure the (normally ten) stands are safe and don’t overlap, so that they don’t have any crossfire. Other people find hunters to pay for the stand usage for the day, while they get really easy places to hunt! However, this time, his coworker says he actually already sold 13 stands worth of people. And if he doesn’t tell the owner, and sets it up for 13, he can get a nice under the table bonus. And his family needs the money…

Eladio takes the deal after his wife convinces him to. Sure enough, something bad happens. Which leads to another bad thing happening. And then hey, even more bad stuff happening. Oh fiddlesticks.

Also starring Pedro Casablanc, Luis Callejo, and Manuel Morón.

OH NO HE HAS A GUN! Oh yeah, there is hunting. Everyone has a gun.

Now real early on in the film, you can get a sense of what is likely going to go down. You could figure it out from my description. It is called foreshadowing. And sure enough, it does happen! But honestly, earlier and faster than I imagined. That is because a great deal of this film deals with the snowball effects of the events. Things get worse, because it makes sense for things to get worse.

But certainly, I can say the ending I did not expect at all. Things got weird, things got creepy, things got downright extra-evil. This became a sort of mystery film, instead of a sad spiraling drama. And for one, I can say, the ending feels like it lands on its feet.

Clavijo as our main character deals with his issues in very believable ways, and honestly, at no point do I not feel bad for him. There is not real gotcha moment where its like, surprise, he is a bad guy! This shit is at some point just how bad life can be and pile up on those in the lower working classes.

The Wait is a film that honestly really draws the viewer in, and is not something you should be waiting awhile to see before seeking it on your own.

3 out of 4.

Your Lucky Day was watched as part of Fantastic Fest 2023!

Winning the lottery is no joke! Just ask this guy (Spencer Garrett), as he finds out his ticket has some match of the numbers. Not just the numbers. A big chunk of the numbers. ALL OF THE NUMBERS. Oh my goodness. A Christmas eve miracle!

Now, this bodega is bustling. You got the shop worker (Mousa Hussein Kraish), who is surprised, a young pregnant couple (Elliot Knight, Jessica Garza) who are just waiting to get home, and a dude who just doesn’t think this is fair (Angus Cloud). And so what does he do? He decides to rob the old guy. He is already rich anyways. He hasn’t seen struggles! So why not dawn a stupid mask, and threaten to take it at gunpoint.

Unfortunately for everyone involved, a cop (Sterling Beaumon), happens to be in the back and jumps in when things are heightened. And some people die. But this robbery can’t really work well. The store has cameras. The ticket was scanned. What is going to happen to these bodies? There are a lot things that need to be figured out, and fast, with apparently more and more people getting involved. Who knows will happen to the ticket by the end of the night?

Also starring Jason O’Mara.

“Maybe if we take off their clothes people will assume they were just horny?”

First notable and sad fact. The lead(ish) character is played by Angus McCloud, who passed away only last month, from a drug overdose. I saw the reports, about a Euphoria actor, but I did not know him from anything, so was pretty shocked to see his IMDB page say 2023.

Now in terms of a “bottle movie” of sorts, since I would say over 80% takes place in and around the store, this has an interesting scenario. Not that I fully understand and know all the intricacies of what happens when one wins the lottery, and what happens to the store. But what they say seems legit and its easy enough to follow.

One of the stylistic choices for this film is just how rough it all looks. It adds another element of believability to the situation. It isn’t made with the most hi-tech cameras. The characters act realistic, they act scared. Heck, look at our main characters quick mask he made to commit the robbery. That looked so stupid, it had to be realistic.

Your Lucky Day offers up some of my favorite things in films, ethical dilemmas! A lot of money really puts things into perspective. Never know what you will do until you are in a situation. The film is a good thriller when it needs to be at the same time.

However, at the same time, during the more action heavy elements, I get a bit lost about what’s going on. There is a team of individuals who join in the movie later, and honestly, it detracts a lot of the movie from what I was expecting and made me lose a bit of interest in what was the original premise. Your Lucky Day is still more fun than what I normally get when I go to the convenience store.

2 out of 4.

SPOOKTACULAR! was watched as part of Fantastic Fest 2023!

In for a scare? Enter if you dare….

To the first ever Halloween themed Theme Park! Not just a haunted house, but a whole place with rides, events, songs, shows, booths, merchandise, actors, the whole shebang.

This one started in New Jersey, and for whatever reason, Hay Rides were super popular. So they decided to make a hay ride. But you know, maybe have it themed with a nice vampire, Frankenstein’s monster, all of that. They bought some farm land, made a track, had a few helpers, and it worked! And got immediately, super popular. Overnight success! Cars lined up the highway, people turned away because not enough space. Shit. A victim to their own success.

And with that, they got expansion. More buildings, more things to do for the residents of the area. They got celebrities, like Alice Cooper, Linda Blair, and more to come for autographs. And for some reason, a really big amount of time focused on Tiny Tim?

Either way, the rise of a business model, and eventually the fall of that business model. Of which has been replicated many times since then as well.

“Maybe if we take off their clothes people will assume they were just horny?”

SPOOKTACULAR! is an interesting documentary. Because it certainly is about a place and concept I had never heard of before, but one that seemed to touch a lot of people around the country, at a certain age. For example, they showcase John Krasinski telling a story about it on a late night show once.

While this place is a staple in the history of haunted theme parks I guess, or places that were more than just haunted houses. The documentary itself is one that is pretty much a standard fare. It has interviews from a lot of the people involved in its initial success, some celebrities who went there and just a retelling of what helped and what lead to their shutdown. Again, It didn’t seem to have that much material either, because of how much time was devoted to them securing Tiny Tim to play at their park, and getting his wedding there. It also gave us Bill Maher acting like an asshole, which I am used to at this point.

The rating reflects that at least the topic is a bit of an interesting reason for a documentary, whereas the actual documentary itself could have used a bit more polish and work.

2 out of 4.

This film was watched as part of Fantastic Fest 2023!

Check out my interview with the director, Nick Tomnay, here! 

In every horror movie, if it involves wishes, you know you are going to need to have a lawyer to go over the wish with a fine comb to watch out for loopholes. Hell, even the comedies about wishes usually follow the same rule. The Monkey’s Paw is a fierce and fickle bitch, as it were.

But thankfully, this movie just has Wish in the title, and isn’t about a sarcastic asshole djinn spirit.

What You Wish For is more just part of a saying with the words be careful. I guess the grass isn’t always greener in this thriller mystery. Huh, what a wild concept.

No joke here, I just had to edit the poster to get a second photo for the review.Ryan (Nick Stahl) has hit a bit of a rock. And that rock is on the bottom. He is a chef, with some excellent cooking abilities, but no great place to work, and he is broke. He also is a gambler! So not only is he broke, but he owes some nasty people some money, and he is on the run for his life.

Lucky for him, one of his old pals in cooking school has a place for him. Jack (Brian Groh), arguably not as good of a cook, is living an extravagant life in Latin America. He has a beautiful house, and he is a chef for some rich rich people. He is living the life anyone could dream, and yet, he is alone. And Jack invites him to a visit, perfect timing for Ryan.

But there is something mysterious and secretive about this arrangement. How can a chef afford such luxuries? How great is Jack’s cooking? Well. Ryan is about to find out, because he is going to be given an opportunity to take over from Jack, without knowing the finer details. And maybe he won’t have the stomach for what happens.

Also starring Tamsin Topolski, Randy Vasquez, Juan Carlos Messier, Penelope Mitchell, Ariel Sierra, and Greg Winter.

Fancy food? Hooray a film on how to cook, finally.I am trying not to hint too much at this. Because a creepy movie involving food usually means one thing. But hey, if you remember The Menu from last year, then you should know it can mean a lot of different things. Just. Food will be involved. For an expensive meal. And even if you THINK you can guess what happens, you won’t be able to guess the events around these actions still.

Nick Tomnay, the director, has only done one other feature film, and it was 13 years ago. The Perfect Host, with David Hyde Pierce. It was a charming film where people weren’t as they all seemed and there was a dinner! Oh great, similarities in his body of work.

For this film, the mystery was only part of it. Because by the halfway point, the mystery has been give away. It’s what you DO with the mystery that really gives the film its flavor. I am going with a cooking metaphor here, please accept it. I was kept on the edge of my seat, wondering how various characters would cope with the situation, when the stakes seemed to just keep getting higher. And the end is a stark realization that even when it comes to the elite and rich, no one can get by life’s cruel twists of fate.

Now I just gotta hope a similar situation comes my way for my dumb skill set so I can be rich forever. Just kidding. Kind of. Maybe.

What You Wish For is an interesting look at not the most interesting story, but it does its own unique blend of herbs and spices to give it a kick that is quite enjoyable.

3 out of 4.