Gorgon Reviews

Wow. That is one of the easiest words to utter after seeing a movie like The Tree Of Life. To say anything else would be a surprise. I can assure you, if you watch this movie, it will be unlike any movie you have seen before. The movie is so ridiculously different, for people watching it, I doubt there is any middle ground. No one is going to watch it and go “Eh, was okay. Kinda good, kinda lame”. No, the only responses you could possibly get are very good, or very bad.

I am fully with the latter.

I hope my opinion isn’t universe shattering for you.

Alright. First off the plot is pretty loose. In real people time lines, I think it is about Sean Penn, an adult, thinking about his upbringing as a child. His parents were radically different, his mother a hippy, his dad, Brad Pitt, very stern and strict.

And uh yeah. Scenes of him growing up. Hanging out with friends. Getting into trouble. Being mad at the dad. Being mad at the mom. Being mad at siblings. Missing the dad. Etc.

Also, a couple times in the movie they switch to the universe. Being born. Making planets. Life beginning on the planet. Animals moving from sea to land. Killing other animals. And near the end, I think the sun exploding, earth ending. ANd other WoOOoOoOooooOoo space stuff.

Throughout the movie is a lot of operatic / religious music, and random people (narrators?) asking questions. This is true for both the real life and space scenes. The real life scenes are meant to like snapshots of life, small scenes, built together. Lot of camera angles changing.

Life?

Obviously the movies not about the actors in it. Also, not about making a traditional movie narrative. You either “get it” or you don’t. I didn’t get it. Probably just means I am not smart? I dunno.

This film is WAY TOO ARTSY. And out there. I just can’t imagine recommending it to any one of my friends for an enjoyable experience.

Look at this movie. Burlesque? How does it not scream out “hey everyone, we have scantly clad chicks that will make you all enjoy me!” Well I didn’t.

“Enjoy me right this instant, damn it!”

The movie begins with Christina Aguilera being a small town girl who just likes to sing. She hates her life, and isn’t getting paid, so she suddenly she rushes off to Los Angeles to look for a singing job. But she fails. And she then walks into Cher‘s Burlesque club, seeing a bunch of scantly clad women dancing to Cher singing. SHe wants in. Doesn’t get a job. So she just begins waitressing there for free, to get them to notice her.

Christina A has that “can do” attitude! She also ends up moving in with the bartender, Cam Gigadet, because her money was stolen and she feels unsafe. Sure, he has a girlfriend, but theres no way having a girl live there can be a problem.

Oh yeah. Kristen Bell is the star of the show, but the only actual singer is Cher. They just dance and lip sync to already made songs. Why? Because Cher demands it. Doesn’t matter if Kristen Bell can sing too. She wont let her. So eventually Christina gets a job, and thanks to Kristen sabotage, Christina ends up singing a song instead of lip syncing. People love it. She becomes a star.

This is good. Because Cher is about to lose her club and blah blah blah. Profit. People changing. Love triangles. Women fights. Jealousy. Lessons learned. End movie.

Now, my problem with this movie is (besides the story being not too original) is that I feel like the movie was actually made just to be a showboat for Christina Aguilera. Since she sings all the songs but like, two (Cher gets those) it is just a movie about how good she can sing. And that is annoying.

When I saw the cast, and heard it was musical, I assume I wasn’t just going to get a Christina concert. Because of how the plot goes, no one else was supposed to get to sing. But damn it, I was expecting a Kristen Bell song or two, and so was she I bet. She was also the star of the show in my book.

Wait. You’re telling me the fact that she was always drunk was a PROBLEM?

Stanley Tucci is also in this as “stage manager dude” and most definitely the best role. Everything else is a formulaic blah set to Christina and Cher acting like they are the best singers ever.

You know what would make Grown Ups better? More SNL cast members. I don’t think they got enough of them.

Just kidding. That was the opposite of the truth. With at least 8 people who are (or used to be) SNL cast members (could be more? I am not an SNL addict), it helped the movie seem like a “old friends get back together” type event anyways.

Some people weren’t invited to the reunion though.

Alright, the movie is about a group of old friends from a smaller town. When they were younger, they won a basketball championship. Now? Their old coach is dead, so they are celebrating his life with a reunion for the weekend.

We have Adam Sandler, now rich, married to Salma Hayek. Kevin James, now fat, married to Maria Bello. Chris Rock, now a housedad, married to Maya Rudolph. All three of them have two kids each. Rob Schneider is on his third (or fourth?) marriage, and has 3 kids (two of which are babes). And last, David Spade, all alone and a bachelor.

OKAY GOT IT ALL? GOOD.

Anyways. Throughout the weekend they try and relive their childhood. They try and get their kids used to the outdoors. They try and fix each others problems, as they haven’t seen each other for a long time.

By the end, the kids are outside more. Their lives are fixed by each other. They are bigger friends. And their wives still don’t hate them. That is more or less the plot. Mostly just a bunch of random events and activities, where these now grown ups get to try and relive their childhood memories, and joke on each other the whole time.

I mean. Parts were okay? I thought it had a couple decent moments. But they obviously tried to make it too family friendly and just felt muzzled. I think Schnieder was badly cast as “weird spiritual vegan dude”, and Spade as a bachelor felt very child predatorish. He is the creepiest single man alive, and I would even compare that to myself.

No one else (outside of Bello and Schnieder)) probably had to do much acting. I think most of it was them just acting like they probably normally would act. So I thought that was kind of lame. Just everything seeming more or less normal. Oh well! I think we can all agree though that Rob should try going back to red hair, am I right?

Badly pixelated for your protection.

So yeah. Nothing really special about this movie. Just a subpar comedy.

From just the cover, this movie N-Secure looks like some crazy action movie.

Action PACKED

But guess what? As you have guessed with the tags, it is not. It is not only a drama movie, but an overly dramatic drama movie. So much drama! And such bad acting.

This movie stars Cordell Moore who has one of the lamest IMDB pages I have ever seen. I think he looks like Barry Gordy from The Temptations movie, and was sad to see they are different people. This guy is a controlling freak. Over the movie it shows his relationship with three women, Essence Atkins (the sister in Smart Guy!), Denise Boutte and Tempestt Bledsoe (Yes THAT one).

First with Essence and maybe fathering a child, and finishing with Denise. The movie begins with him walking in on Essence maybe cheating on him with another man, despite their wedding soon. So he flips a shit. Says the child is the other guys. And may have the other guy killed. Maybe. Did I mention Cordell is rich? Dude has a mansion. He pampers his girls, but only if they follow his every rule.

I am talking making lists for what they can and can not do in their relationship. Having to call him at a certain time when leaving work and coming straight to him. Having to even ask to answer the phone.

I guess because of the cheating he is a bit…insecure. Even though Denise realizes this relationship is bad, she is afraid to leave it. Thankfully, with them working together, they can really end Cordell for good. And legally.

So yeah. Spoilers? You aren’t going to watch this movie after all. They end up killing him during his fit of rage and get it wiped off for self defense. Yay.

What a killer instinct! I knew it all along. (Okay, she wasn’t there for the death).

So yeah. This movie was terrible. Pacing was weird. And it just felt like watching someone be abused for most of the movie, and you know, not calling the cops and stuff. It is just way over the top dramatic, and definitely wasn’t a role suited for this guy who has never really been in anything. Also the title? N-Secure? There is no reason from the movie to why it should be that over Insecure. None. That is dumb. Don’t be dumb movie.

This is the 200th movie review of the site! The only other “big milestone” was 150, as 50 and 100 existed with the site launch already. Because damn it, I want to provide content. To match the theme from 150, this will be a picture heavy review.

Twilight: New Moon is the sequel to the movie Twilight, and hopefully it will answer all of the questions that the first movie failed to answer. Like. Why do Jacob and Edward hate each other?

Actually. That is about all I really cared about from the first movie.

“u mad bro?”

The movie begins with Kristen Stewart turning 18. Like you would assume, this makes her feel like an old lady, to the hundred some year old Edward who is stuck at 17. In a decade, their relationship will feel pretty pedo-tastic. So they have a party to ignore the future, but one vampire smells her paper cut and flips a shit.

“bro, u mad?”

Edward does the right thing then, and breaks up with her and moves the family to some other miserably dreary town. That is about the first 10 minutes. THE NEXT 35 MINUTES IS HORRIBLE BORING TIME. Seriously. I don’t know whats up, but the next half hour is mostly about her being sad. Eventually, she starts hanging out with Jacob, because her dad is threatening to move her back to cheery Phoenix, and guess what, she likes his adrenaline. She also probably likes that he keeps taking off his shirt to clean wounds. Oh yeah. But after 45 minutes of movie, we find out that Edward is haunting her as a ghost.

“Bellllaaaaaaaaaaaa. Belllaaaaaaa!!!” He is really just missing some rattling chains.

At this point, a little bit more happens but I am kinda mad. Just like a bro would be. (Third reference is a charm?). If I don’t see any werewolves before the first hour, I just don’t see the point. Long story short, I am disappointed. Instead I get to see them watch a movie called Face Punch and Jacob get all testosteroned up and mad at some other guy. He then promises to love Bella. Sounds familiar. At least he isn’t an immortal freak monster.

Speaking of freak monsters, at minute 62 we get to see big giant wolves in the forest! They are chasing the Jamaican vampire from the last movie who was friendly. Apparently there is consequences for the last movie, and now they want to kill Bella. Him and the weird red headed one. 65 minutes in Jacob does very impressive acrobatics. 70 minutes in? SOMEONE TURNING INTO A LARGE WOLF THING. Gah. So does Jacob. Wolf fight!

I am so glad the internet knows exactly what I want.

As a side note, I am usually upset when a werewolf is depicted as just a large wolf. Not like, a standing up wolf, but just a bigger regular wolf. Other movies seem to be doing that now too. So the next bit of movie is them protecting her from the last vampire who wants to kill her. Fine. But she wants Edward back. So she jumps off of a cliff to make the ghost upset. It works, his sister shows up, and is all, oh. You are alive. Cool.

Jacob is upset because he is now madly in love with Bella. So he is mad at the vampires. Either way. Somehow Edward finds out about all of this crap, and thinks Bella is dead. So he does the reasonable thing. He goes to Rome to have the vampire law makers kill him.

Shirtless, of course, as its the common theme.

So somehow after all this, the final conflict seems to be getting there fast enough to make sure he doesn’t get himself killed? They do this. The council doesn’t care. But thankfully love happens, and she agrees to turn into a vampire. So they spare him? Yay. Very easy ending. And, much like the last movie, the final “oh no conflict” seems to have come out of no where from the first 90 minutes of movie.

So they vote, yay, she can be a vampire. But first? More Edward and Jacob Angst. Bella tells Jacob that she wants Edward, (probably just wants to live forever) and to get away. The reason why they haven’t been killing each other (because werewolves only kill vampires? What?) is some treaty crap. It ends if they ever bite a human. Like Bella. Dun dun dun. And scene!

But here is another shirtless photo, to take on the road.

So, overall? This movie was way too long. The first hour could have been condensed a lot more. Instead of being about vampires, it seems like the first half was about nothing at all. Then some werewolf stuff. Then attempted suicide far away (Despite Edward not being in most of the movie). Then some quarrels. Then end. Like. I feel like they didn’t even want it to be full movie.

Minutes 70-95 seem to be a real ending to the first movie, but they also put filler in between it. This stuff needs to be shifted so that the first movie could have felt more complete. Maybe take the next hour of the third movie and put it on this one for a better experience? I don’t know. I won’t for another 50 reviews.

I think we can all also agree that Anna Kendrick‘s role was greatly diminished in this movie, much to my disappointment.

The Other Woman? Yes. This movie is the unofficial sequel to The Other Man. And by unofficial, I mean not at all related. It still deals with people cheating though, so don’t worry.

“Yay infidelity!”

Natalie Portman stars in this movie as the other woman. Yes! She meets a guy at the law firm, they get together (the guy says his marriage isn’t working anyways, but…the kid! He wants to stay together for the kid). Who was he married too? Lisa Kudrow, who can be a mean old bitch if she wants to. She really hates Portman, and it is understandable why (I mean, broke apart her marraige). The movie is very disjointed, because it is told from the present (of her living with the new kid + lawyer), but with flashbacks of first meeting him, and getting knocked up, breaking apart a marriage.

So in a real time line? Portman meets Lawyer Dude. They shellack in a hotel. She gets pregnant. He divorces Kudrow. They get joint custody of kid. Portman now lives with them and sees Kudrow a whole bunch because of the joint custody thing.

At the same time, it shows her interactions with the “not her kid” kid, and how awkward it can all be. It seems that everything goes wrong too, which Kudrow is quick to throw in her face. We also find out (early early on) that Portman produced a child with her new man, but that child died of SIDS.

The movie is about both Portman never feeling accepted into her new situation (after all Kudrow harasses her and says she is bad with children) while at the same time feeling that no one else cares about her dead child enough, and never cared at all. Portman does some outlandish things that will leave the viewer very upset, and begin to think Kudrow is right. Except, also, Kudrow is also a mean bitch.

This movie is really just about two woman who do questionable things.

You know. Like home wrecking.

So the movie is okay. It is an Indie flick. I don’t really enjoy the ending. At first you feel sympathetic for Portman (but why? She ended a marriage) but her meanness makes you question that. You will never like Kudrow’s character, because even at the end, when she does something positively, it is still very mean sounding. Must be because she is a woman of science. So overall, it is okay. I don’t think you are normally supposed to hate all the characters in a movie though, so that is a negative.

But hey. Anthony Rapp and Lauren Ambrose (Six Feet Under / Can’t Hardly Wait) have small roles. Nifty!

Damn it, Liam Neeson.

“What?” – Liam Neeson.

My original review of this movie was just the first four words. But I asked three people and one wanted me to elaborate.

Neeson’s wife (Laura Linney), a shoe designer, died. He finds out she may have been sleeping with anOther Man. He finds out it is Antonio Banderas in Milan. He goes to Milan. He stalks him, talks to him, finds out the truth. And that is about it.

Spoilers???

The movie is slow. I don’t care about any of the characters. Liam Neeson is just raging, but it leads to nothing. Eventual closer, that is it. It is super boring. 90 minutes was far too long for about 15 minutes of actual activity it seems. Just don’t watch this movie, because the emotion you will feel is anger.

Sometimes movie titles like to lie to you. Sometimes they just note a cheesy line said in the movie. And sometimes they just describe the movie. Kick-Ass happens to be the third option (okay, the second one too. But still)

It is a good strategy too. Movies should just come out with titles like EXHILARATING and BEST MOVIE EVER.

I know you won’t believe me, but I assure you this scene is not a weird sex scene.

Aaron Johnson is just a nerdy kid. Women, like Lyndsy Fonseca, ignore him. He loves comics, but you knew that already because I said he was a nerdy kid. He thinks it is impossible that no one has ever tried to be a superhero, based on probability alone. So he buys a scuba outfit, modifies it a bit, and begins to walk the night! Then he gets stabbed. And hit by a car. Super hero-ing is hard stuff guys. Thankfully in his main painful months of recovery and post surgery, a whole bunch of metal plates are put into his body, so his ability to feel pain has greatly reduced. People also think he is cool now, cause they think he is gay.

OH WELL. BACK TO THE STREETS WHERE KICK-ASS CAN FIGHT CRIME MAYBE A BIT BETTER NOW!

Or just like, you know, in his room with some sticks.

At the same time we have Nicholas Cage (Big Daddy) and Chloe Grace Moretz (Hit Girl) are trying to take down a drug lord (Mark Strong) because he both killed their wife/mother, and got Cage wrongfully imprisoned as a cop because he wouldn’t go on his payroll. Pretty small world right? Big Daddy trained his girl from a young age to make her a fighting machine, great with weapons and guns and the ability to not freak out in a tense situation.

Anyone I miss? Oh yeah. Christopher Mintz-Plasse as Red Mist, the son of the crime lord, yet also nerdy super hero. But is he good or bad?

To me, this movie is fan-freaking-tastic. I laughed a lot and thought all of the action scenes were well done. I felt most of the basic emotions too while watching the film. In the “Kick-Ass unmasked” scene, when Big Daddy is yelling out different tactical commands to his daughter, despite his own excrutiating pain, just to save her. I was almost crying at that scene. In his first big moment, when Kick-Ass is explaining why he is not giving up, it is a very powerful and believable moment.

Not to mention right after this scene was a big costumed underage orgy.

I normally don’t compare things to their original books, but I think the movie is better than the graphic novel. In the graphic novel, a few more people end up dying. Also, certain characters reasonings for their actions turn out to be lies. And yeah. It is just more depressing and lamer. Stick with the movie, and have a fantastic time.

Wooo. Another movie in theaters! I don’t like movies in theaters normally. People are there. Yuck. Similarly I tend to like movies way more than normal on a big screen, so I can’t necessarily think straight.

I am pretty sure though that after seeing Immortals the big screen factor didn’t come into play at all.

It hit me like a spear in the head.

The movie starts off with some fake Greek mythology, alright. Fine. Theseus, played by Henry Cavill, is pretty bad ass. That is him with the spear. Mickey Rourke, a King, wants to fuck everything up, find some bow, and release the Titans. With the help of a thief (Stephen Dorff) an Oracle (Freida Pinto) and occasional god tamperings (like Zeus / Luke Evans), they must try to stop the King before he releases the TItans. Or else everyone will die?

First off, for an action movie, there was a whole lot of not action. The main character himself didn’t seem to be that good. He could get the jump on a big group, kill some, and then bam. Get captured. He kept failing against big groups, it wasn’t funny. At least twice. The only amazing things he really did were two one on one fights. He even found the magical bow, and lost it almost instantly. The plot had a lot of holes in it, but if I told about them, it would provide more than one spoiler. But the bow? I guess just by saying it is magical or powerful, it can do anything? Sure it made its own energy bolts. But when he somehow sent arrows so quick four of them hit four targets at the same time. But later? These arrows make powerful explosions that go through stone walls. Way different properties out of nowhere.

So instead of action, they had the bad plot with bad acting. Because of the holes, I kept getting confused at what was going on. Confused may be a strong word, because it was simple. But still. You know.

I also didn’t find the visuals to be good at all. Everything just felt brown. I think a less realistic CGI or something might have helped the movie a bit. Which yeah doesn’t make any sense. The ending? Besides the confusion gained from the plot holes, it just didn’t make overall sense. I cannot tell if they are just trying to set up a sequel, or what.

It does feature some nice God on God action though. Even though this scene also was pretty stupid.

Of course when I first heard of the movie Larry Crowne, I thought of The Thomas Crown Affair and was for some reason disturbed. How dare a main character have a name that is spelled the same and spelled differently. There is no room for that in my movie world. But I haven’t ever seen the latter, just Larry Crowne now. So I guess Larry Crowne is better on that merit alone.

That other movie was a remake? I don’t believe it.

Tom Hanks plays the titular character and he just got fired from his big box store. Why? No college education, can’t advance. Well shit. There is only one solution. Sell a bunch of your valuables, switch to a Scooter, and go to a local college. Take economics, speech, computer classes to get far in the business world, and TAKE BACK THE NIGHT! He can thank Cedric the Entertainer, his lotto rich neighbor the help.

He meets people in school too. Including a scooter gang he gets to join, run by Fez. His teacher for 8am Speech, Julia Roberts, hates her life. Because she is married to Bryan Cranston, and as we know he makes meth. Well, that wasn’t addressed in the movie, but he did like them big titties.

More or less, this is a story of how a guy can start his life over. Getting that knowledge, meeting knew friends, and seducing his college teacher. What? For shame Tom Hanks. She is married.

Half of the reason people take college classes is if their teacher is cool. It is a bonus if that teacher has a good voice to listen to. I think that also explains why so many people are in George Takei‘s Economics class.

If anyone can take Tom Hanks phone away, it is George Takei.

It was an interesting movie. Kind of a feel good ish flick. Happy ending. But nothing in particular was that spectacular about the whole thing. Disappointing in that regard, cause its Tom Hanks! I need some more epic, sir.