Gorgon Reviews

Here is a movie that started out interesting, but got boring by the end. Relying on teen angst, bad special effects, and a “oh man sequels?” ending to attempt to bring it to the big time.

Shit, do I even need a review anymore after that?

Everything I just said is described in this picture.

I Am Number Four is about Aliens! When I first heard that, I assumed it was a spoiler. Turns out that is a very obvious and told right away fact of the movie. Main dude, played by Alex Pettyfer is the main character. Turns out when they were kids, their home planet was destroyed. Nine babies were taken to Earth. For some reason, they can only be killed in numerical order. So Four (the main guy) cannot die until One, Two, Three area dead. Cool for four. But what the fuck does that mean for one? Was he the “slaves child” or something? That is some bullshit for him.

Well it turns out the first three are dead! By the same evil aliens who took over their old planet. He also has a protector dude, played by Timothy Olyphant. Thanks to fucking up, he had to move again, this time to Ohio. He meets at school outsider/photographer Dianna Agron, and new friend Callan McAuliffe.

Blah blah. Eventually bad guys show up. Turns out they are supposed to protect Earth from them. Number Six (Teresa Palmer) shows up out of no where (And you know, isn’t afraid of dying). Blah blah blah. And yeah. End of movie. Looking for more survivors. He doesn’t end up boning Dianna Agron.

Which is a shame, because she is so Bumpable when she isn’t singing.

But as I said, it was way more interesting at the start of the movie. Then it just took some weird turns and made it less appealing, and then yeah. Ended. For shame, I Am Number Four. For Shame.

I think Drive Angry is the last Nick Cage movie in the last few years (outside of Bangkok Dangerous) that I have not yet reviewed. I have come to expect a certain amount of apathy from some of his movies, but not all of them. For every Knowing, there is a Kick-Ass. For every Season of the Witch there is a Sorcerer’s Apprentice. So who knows what the next movie will be like? He forces you to watch them all, damn it.

Cage: The human embodiment of an enigma.

This review probably has some spoilers, but I doubt those reading it will care. The movie stars Cage as a man who has escaped from Hell. His daughter was killed by cultists, and they took his granddaughter, a baby, to be sacrificed in three days in order to bring Hell on Earth. Satanists! Also an enigmatic group of people. So he, along with his Godslayer (a gun that can remove a soul from existence, stolen from Satan) are on a quest to catch up with the cultists and end them completely. Or at least just Billy Burke, the head guy.

He meets up with Amber Heard and borrows her car / helps her out quickly on the journey. There is also The Accountant, played by William Fichtner, a mysterious suited man following Cage and trying to bring him back to Hell.

This movie is a grindhouse-like movie. It is gritty, over the top action, bad effects, all on purpose. But what made the other “Grindhouse” movies entertaining was that besides all of that, the plot was decent and the action was awesome. This isn’t true for Drive Angry. It had all of the right parts, but the plot and action I found to be pretty boring. As you would guess, there is a lot of driving and chasing too, and even that seemed lackluster.

When you take the words “Hell”, “Driving”, and “Nick Cage” together, most people are going to expect Ghost Rider, another bad movie, and not this. This is accidentally too close to Ghost Rider (not in plot, just in keywords). That seems like another mistake on Cage’s part.

Wait, is that him with a badass gun in Ghost Rider too? What the hell?

It is obvious what kind of movie they were going for. They definitely succeeded in that. But Drive Angry just is not as entertaining as the other films of that genre. Probably the real reason Cage has been in a lot of movies since this one, to cover it up.

Roland Emmerich. You all know him. He brought us the new Godzilla, Day After Tomorrow, and 10,000 BC. Sure, he also brought us Independence Day, but some people don’t like that (I do!). But not really the others. All over CGI’d disaster films (like ID4. Shh) or just overly CGI’d mess, if not a disaster. So, as expected, 2012 is pretty much the exact same thing.

“Welcome to Earth!” – Will Smith, narrating the movie.

Plot of the movie is simple enough to grasp. 2012 in December is the end of the world. Why? Mayans “predicted” it. Or they just stopped caring at least. Oh shit though. Large solar flares fucking up the earth. I think melting the core (err) or something, causing crustal shifts and other problems. Oh man, the poles end up switching, land breaks apart, and so many earthquakes guys. This leads to Yellowstone blowing up (a supervolcano) and a lot of tsunami’s from the earthquakes.

There ya go.

Some people knew this may happen a long time ago. So they began making “Arcs” to hold the rich, the powerful, and the brilliant, to recreate the world once all this shit happens. John Cusack, who was camping with his son and daughter in Yellowstone, heard crazy old Woody Harrelson talking about it all, and started to believe him. Similarly, GEOPHYSICIST played by Chiwetel Ejiofor is trying to get DC to evacuate and stuff.

We also have Danny Glover as the president, who is getting two old for this evacuation shit, and his daughter, Thandie Newton. Who else? None other than Oliver Platt as vague political guy who wants to save himself. Amanda Peet plays Cusack’s ex wife and Thomas McCarthy as new husband, boob doctor.

That is probably enough.

So as expected, this movie is a mess. It is actually 2.5 hours long, so you will get your disaster on hard and you will get it on long. I am a big fan of a geophysicist not only being an important part of the movie, but also a strong moral leader for the other characters. Normally since geophysicist are usually seen as godless people anyways, its good that this one could be that and a good person.

What else was kick ass? Woody Harrelson as crazy conspiracy nut.

Neither left nor right wing, this guy isn’t even a bird.

So what was the bad parts? I could do a long article about how scientifically some stuff is stupid. But I won’t. But seriously? The supervolcano was actually UNDER exaggerated when it exploded. Which is crazy for any movie to do, but I guess they wanted to have a plot afterwards as well.

But a bigger complaint to have, that in terms of “Disasters” they used the same device three times to show panic and running away. Meaning, on three separate occasions, with the same group of people, there was a panic to hurry and have their plane take off with not much runway. Three. Times. In a row, actually. Every place they went, until the final “oh now its hard to land” scene. There wasn’t much creativity there at all. Very aggravating.

Effects were okay. Kind of got tired of them killing off people just for the sake of killing someone, instead of any good real disaster reason. (See: When they first get on the Arc).

Oh well.

Dreamworks is known as the CGI-animation company that is not Pixar. More or less, everything Pixar does is instantly praised, while everything Dreamworks does is hated on. Sure, Pixar has more good movies, but damn it, Dreamworks has some good ones too.

Like the first Shrek. And Kung Fu Panda. The first one got about fifty sequels, the latter so far only has Kung Fu Panda 2. And it is more epic than the first.

But Kung Fu Panda also lead to the worst rip off in recent years.

The plot of the movie is similar to the first. Someone is kicking a lot of ass and is evil, and needs to be stopped. This time, instead of training montages and noodle shops, Po (Jack Black) starts out as a kick ass warrior. The dragon warrior! Which we all know he became later in the first film. Now we get to ignore all of that, and go straight into lots of fight scenes.

One of the central plots is that Po realizes the goose is not his real dad! Shocking, I know.His parents were killed as a boy and he was orphaned. Killed by who? A peacock. Or at least an evil peacock (Gary Oldman). While they originally thought his threat was dealt with, he has been hiding away, building an army of wolves and gorillas, and making a weapon that renders kung fu and other fighting types useless. (Its based on fireworks, aka pretty).

Speaking of pretty, the CGI in this movie is fantastic on Blu-Ray. Everything was wowable, and noticeably better than the effects in the first movie. In addition to the normal CGI, during flashbacks to Pos youth, they used a more traditional style of Asian cartoon work, and it was pretty damn nifty. I’d have liked it if the beginning had a story similar to the one Po made up in the first to open the film. Had some of the better lines.

The same gang from the first film is also back, Crane (David Cross), Mantis (Seth Rogen), Viper (Lucy Liu), Monkey (Jackie Chan) and Tigress (Angelina Jolie). I still don’t like Tigress though.

The end of the movie also does what a lot of movies try to do and fail. Give us both a full story, and set up a possible sequel. I have reviewed numerous movies that have focused more on setting up a sequel than giving a satisfactory ending. But this one does a nice job and I want there to be a Kung Fu Panda 3.

Oh don’t look so shocked Po. I will let you wait at least three years first.

Overall? The fight scenes are pretty great and creative. I am sure Chan had a lot of influence on how they were developed, since he has a knack for that sort of thing. They were also comedic enough to laugh without taking away the seriousness of the fights/plot. Everything was weaved together well, plot, action, backstory, effects. Just the “inner peace” plotline seemed forced. Or Po is just that awesome. Not sure.

Fright Night! Rawr vampires! This is of course a remake of a movie with the same name. I don’t know anything about the older movie though. Besides it also had a “comedic” element to the horror trope and was self aware of that fact. I am sure it is a fine movie, and I have probably seen a few parts of it before on TV. So I think I would rather just assume that this new version and the original are only similar, and not actually alike.

After all, this movie had to come up with a reason why cell phones do not work.

“WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT ROAMING FEES?!?

The movie begins with a death! After that, yay school. Anton Yelchin is the main character, who used to be a big nerd but now is trying to be all “Cool” and shit. His old friend, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, thinks that their third friend not showing up to school is a bad sign. He thinks a vampire got him! But Yelchin is too cool for vampires. He doesn’t listen to him. You know. Until Chris also disappears.

So he starts to get all paranoid. Could his neighbor Colin Farrell actually be a vampire? (Yes). I know I know, its crazy. He is way too charming to be a vampire.

Unfortunately, of course, no one believes him either. Not even Peter Vincent (played by everyone’s favorite new doctor, David Tennant), the bad ass vampire hunter on TV and in Vegas shows.

It isn’t until Colin openly attacks his home, with his mother, Toni Collette, and girlfriend, Imogen Poots (can we all laugh at her name for a second?), inside does he finally get any help.

Now, I am not one for normally watching “Scary” movies. But the new releases this week were not plentiful, so I gave it a chance. This movie is definitely not scary, but more kind of bad ass. It was very very entertaining. No one is going to win any best actor/actress awards from it, but you will definitely have a good time.

Here is a scene of people not having a good time.

Honestly, all the vampire tropes you want will be in this movie. They didn’t invite a new vampire or anything silly. I was surprised at how much was actually packed in the movie. Halfway through, I thought the film was climaxing, but it got more and more intense instead. Which definitely was a good feeling.

I don’t think you will leave feeling screwed at the ending either. The worst part of some movies is the buildup of how powerful the bad guy is, but in the final fight something easy takes him down due to cockiness or love or something. But in this movie, the vampire proves he is a badass, and the final fight is actually worth it.

Probably would have been better if I watched this at night, instead of noon time though.

Champions. Or a film hard to find on IMDB because a lot of movies are called that. This one being a hidden one too, because no one really cares I guess.

It is also super hard to find pictures of the movie for, given that title. So here is something completely “unrelated”.

This movie is inspired by true events, but you know, only inspired. It is the 1930s or 1920s, and China is going to participate in their first Olympic games! Woo! Only like, running, and some karate show, and that is about it. The main character is played by Dicky Cheung (heh), and he is a master at some form of martial arts, and also just a charismatic guy. He wears hats for goodness sake!

This movie is pretty much like an older martial arts movie. Kind of cheesy, and lots of experts. It is just set to a different story. Dicky is in love with the best runner China has, but she won’t marry him. They have to do things like raise money to even make it there (damn cheap government). Not only that, but of COURSE a martial arts tournament takes place to see which group of people should go!

Oh yeah. And one of the gyms is “evil” and wants to fight too much. Also there was a plot about a stolen baby, that came WAY out of no where, and took forever to finish. It was super pointless.

The fighting was decent, but no one really changed or did as good as Dicky Cheung. Good at fighting, was pretty funny, and when necessary, sweet and dramatic.

This film came out in China in 2008 and is clearly just mostly propaganda. Just took a long time for it to come out to the USA on dvd (three years later).

“At this rate, we won’t make the Olympics until 2008!” – Real line, not real scene.

So yeah, unless you really like martial arts, you probably wont find anything exciting about the movie.

1 out of 4.

Oooh a kind of foreign film. Watching it now, you can tell that the director probably wanted this whole movie to be in French. Probably made one of the main characters speak English, just to get more viewers. I say don’t half ass it. Go full french, or full american. That way my senses don’t get boggled.

Boggled like Texas champion Peggy Hill.

Sarah’s Key is a story about nazis! Didn’t see that one coming.

First there is a journalist in modern day Paris, Julia (Kristin Scott Thomas), who just got a new apartment that has been in her family for decades. Not knowing much about it, she learns that it actually was taken away from a Jewish family in 1942 during the “Vel’ d’Hiv Roundup”. What is that? That is when 10,000 Jewish people around Paris were arrested and brought into a theater house. They were taken away in busses eventually, and separated to camps. Apparently the theater setting was about “10,000 times worse” than the Katrina Superdome incident.

So the story tells of the journalist trying to find out about the family who used to live there. She wants to return it to them, it just feels right. So outside of that story, we get to see the story of the family right before they are evicted and the many years after, intertwined through the story. That is where Sarah comes in! Played by Melusine Mayance. When the police arrive she hides her brother in a secret compartment and locks the key, thinking it is just another random visit that will be quick. She tells him to wait for them to come back. Once the family realizes that they won’t be returning anytime soon, they go into freak out mode. The story is mostly about Sarah and her desire to get away, and return to the home to try and find her brother.

That story, the one in the 40s. That is pretty interesting. The modern parts? Not as much.

Unfortunately the climax of the 40s story line happens around halfway through the movie, leaving the viewer with a lore more modern stuff. Sure it mostly ties up the story lines, but who really cares about those other story lines? So while the overall story is interesting, the excessive modern parts are ho-humable, dragging the movie down a peg.

I forced a King of the Hill reference earlier. Here is an actual helpful photo!

Hey look. Random indie movie! Not only that, but it is a coming of age story! Those are fun. And it is about a girl boarding school, not a boys boarding school? One named Tanner Hall? Outstanding! Oh and the previews before the movie are for Daydream Nation and Happythankyoumoreplease? I liked those movies! What could go wrong!

Oh. The plot and characters and boringness.

Also, all the pictures easy to find on google were lame.

Alright, we have a movie starring four girls! Two of them used to be friends as children, the other two just became friends thanks to you know, living there. We have Georgia King and Rooney Mara as the main two, but also Brie Larson and Amy Ferguson. Each girl has their own personality and boarding school girl stereotype. Of course one is super depressed, a cutter, and talks about stuff like it for attention. Another is more or less normal, but just angsty. Then there is the sexually confused one, who is never sure who she likes, man or woman. (The school has one boy student, the headmistresses son). And finally the hot for teacher student, picking on the fact that the teacher totally wants her. That teacher being Chris Kattan.

What? That guy has been missing for like, 5 years it feels like. Then he pops in randomly in some indie movie as a horny teacher? I think his role is more of a comic relief thing, but ehh. It is weird.

So, the problem with all of the character types is that they stay as types throughout the movie. No one really changes. In fact, nothing much actually happens either. Sure. They show rebellion. They sneak out of school to go to a fair, what rebels. They have lives. But ehh. Ehhh. It doesn’t bring anything really new to the “genre”, so it was just disappointing.

Wait a minute. Does every coming of age boarding school movie have a shot of everyone sitting/standing in a row?

As an added suck, it is kind of hard to tell how much time passes in the movie. Especially near the end. Just a boring, pointless movie.

Jennifer’s Body is listed in the Comedy section at Blockbuster. I think that statement is enough to show how the general public perceives this “supposed to be horror but also kinda not ish” movie.

But this movie is brought to us by the same girl who wrote Juno! It must be good! But if the same level of writing was used in both movies, it is clear what made Juno work was the actors and actresses involved, not the script.

Both movies cater to a different fetish group though.

In Jennifer’s Body, we have two friends, Megan Fox as Jennifer, and Amanda Seyfried as ‘Needy’. Dumb nick name, probably alludes to something. They used to be best friends, from the “sandboxes” of yore, and in high school, they still get along great. You know, despite the huge slutty cheerleader-ness of Jennifer, and the dorky whatever-ness of Needy. Needy has a steady boyfriend though, in Johnny Simmons, and is taking it slow.

But they go to the only bar in town to see some indie band play a gig, named Low Shoulder, with the frontman being played by Adam Brody. I have been told he was trying to imitate the lead singer of The Killers with his performance, but I really couldn’t say! Anyways, a FIRE happens, and a person dies in it at the bar! Next thing Needy knows, Jennifer has disappeared with the band, and has no idea whats going on. Then later she appears at her door, all being creepy and covered in blood!

Egads!

Then some people die in the school, namely boys. Who is doing it? Well, Jennifer is. Because she is some demon now, and only Needy seems to realize it. It is like the girl she used to know, is no longer there, but what has remained is Jennifer’s…body. Oh yeah, if you want to see both JK Simmons in his ugliest and worst role ever, this would be a great thing to pick up.

In a movie that has gore, death, Megan Fox acting, this is still the grossest thing.

So, somehow, according to the writer, this is a movie about women empowerment. But I get absolutely nothing like that. All I see is a movie trying to use T&A to sell tickets/dvds, with a pretty dumb and badly acted plot. Oddly enough, one of the reasons Megan Fox didn’t like working in Transformers is because she thought she was being exploited for her looks. Huh. Then she did this movie? Glad you have your priorities straight.

I need Amanda Seyfried to get out of these dumb teen movies right away. She was funny in Mean Girls, and was one of the stars in Mamma Mia!, but then she did this and Red Riding Hood? Stop it right now Amanda.

I have also heard this referred to as “Twilight for Boys” in the good way. What?? That would be assuming that guys only care about “hot” looking womens in their movies, nothing more. Clearly this is just offensive to guys (which may be pro women empowerment? Who knows.

As I noted (bitched about?) in the review for Mr. Popper’s Penguins, lately Jim Carrey’s movies have not been up to the same level of quality I have come to expect of him. Almost like after Eternal Sunshine, he stopped trying.

Well, I Love You, Phillip Morris is the exception to that rule.

Somehow, with the title and cover and everything, I didn’t know this was a “gay movie”.

This movie is based on the true life story of Steven Jay Russell, and book based off of his life, played by Jim Carrey. Steven was just a normal man, living in Virginia Beach as a police officer. He had a wife! Leslie Mann, and played in the local church band. But when he gets into a car accident and nearly dies, he realizes he has been living a lie. He is a gay man, and needs to live like one!

So he does that. Moves. Gets a gay man, does gay things. Even does some con artist stuff to get lots of money! But that puts him in jail. Where he meets Phillip Morris, played by Ewan McGregor! Steven Jay Russell is famous, not for the being gay thing, but for escaping from prison. Multiple times. And this movie goes over it!

Yes, what an interesting man. Finding true love in prison, escaping it on more than one occasion, and being a con man in order to become rich all the time.

You can’t make this shit up, folks.

Or this.

This movie is great guys. Not only hilarious, but the acting done by all the parties involved is great. Sure, it is sometimes kind of campy, but it is worth it. Hard to believe breaking out of prison was actually that easy. Oh the things people do for a bootycall.