Gorgon Reviews

When I thought about The Adventures of Tintin as a crazy CGI movie, I didn’t think much of it. I thought it would probably cost a lot of money and not do so well. I also knew that he probably wouldn’t go to Africa, given his old comics being racist and stuff.

Basically what you need to know about Tintin is he is a guy with a dog, that goes on adventures. He is a journalist, which means he gets around, investigates, and can also solve mysteries. He also knows how to do tons of things, like pilot all types of transportation sources. He probably speaks a lot of languages too, but doesn’t show off. What a well guy

Minus that guys nose, look at that “realism”!

Tintin (Jamie Bell) is just hanging out in Paris. The first time we seem him is actually hilarious. But I don’t want to spoil that joke for you. While looking for his dog, he finds a model Ship made by Sir Francis Haddock (Obvious reference to Drake is obvious), who was a famous sailor and rich, and had a ship named a Unicorn. Immediately after purchase, a guy tries to buy it from him (with a warning), then Rackham (Daniel Craig), an old rich guy tries to do the same. He seems evil, and this is a CGI movie, so he is.

Eventually Tintin finds a note stuk in the ship, written in another language and a poem. Eventually he also finds out that Rackham has a ship identical to his with a different note. Can these notes combined lead to a secret buried treasure?

Shooting, and kidnapping, and escaping happen, and Tintin finds himself on a boat (motherfucker, on a boat) where he meets Captain Haddock (Andy Serkis). The captain of the baot who is locked away in his room after a mutiny, with nothing but his rum. They eventually escape and realize there is a third clue. Also, clearly the Captain is a descendant Sir Francis, and wants to help out Tintin. But they have to race against Rackham and his crew, who want to stop them, and find the treasure first.

There is also Thomson (Nick Frost) and Thompson (Simon Pegg), two very similar bumbling constables, who want to help Tintin. I think?

Seriously. No idea if they are out to get him, or help him, or if all of their success is stealing the work he does and captures people?

Did you like that shitty plot description? I skipped a lot and left a lot out because A LOT OF THINGS happen in this movie. Holy crap, is there action.

Oddly enough this film is PG. The Captain is drunk 90% of his screen time, and one of the major plot points in the desert is that he gets sober and can’t remember certain things so they have to find him alcohol. What!? Also lots of guns. People in the movie die to guns, even. No blood spatter. But shot. In a pg movie! And smoking! I guess you can do anything in CGI eh?

I liked it all though. It was crazy to watch. Chase scenes, different countries, and a pirate hallucination that was super epic.

My one big complaint, which is true of the comic too (and thus true to the film?) is the dog. The dog just felt like one giant Deus Ex Machina, again and again. The dog was responsible for most of the plot advancement, randomly running away, randomly finding things etc. Just felt lazy that it kept happening over and over.

But really, it was a pretty nifty adventure that Tintin guy went on.

I hadn’t expected to watch two movies where Channing Tatum played a pivotal role in it so close to each other. Guy just has a face that bugs me, so I usually avoid his stuff. And by pivotal role, I mean the main character this time, damn.

Yeah. That’s the face right there.

This story is about the Roman Empire, fucking up Britain. Back in the 100s, when trying to Conquer Britain, a Roman Legion was lost and their flag standard, an Eagle, was lost with them. The leader of that division was the father of Marcus Aguila (Tatum), so there was some shame on his family. Since then he has become a commander himself, and has been sent to lead the troops at Hadrian’s Wall, a wall in GB south of where the legion had since been missing.

On like his first night, they get attacked and raided, but thanks to him they win. Too bad he gets fucked up. Oh well, honorable discharge and sent back home to his uncle (Donald Sutherland). Unfortunately he still hasn’t cleared his dads name. Gah! Once he feels better (albeit still crippled), he heads back to the wall with his slave and confidant, Esca (Jamie Bell), to go North of the wall in their own small group and try and find the eagle.

They have to deal with the natives (Britain was very uncivilized at the time), the lost legion, and friendship strains. Aww.

“Bitch don’t you know you’re about to get cut!?” – Audience member

This is a pretty gritty feeling movie. And it feels like a movie set way back when. Both were probably obvious I guess? Either way, it took me awhile to really care about the main two characters. Having the big going home after the first battle, downtime, relaxation thing, hurt the flow of the film for me. I think it would have been better if he just recovered at the wall, got discharged and instead of going home, going straight into the wild to search for the Eagle. His slave friend could have came to pick him up, or whatever.

Fighting was cool though. I could actually understand most of the fight that occurred at night, which is a great bonus. A lot of movie like to do shit at night just so they don’t have to make things obvious. Thought the ending was pretty swell too.

But there were also larger more boring moments that kept taking me out of the story line, weirdly enough. My favorite moment was when Aguila saved Esca from the gladiator arena. Such a small moment, but just really really liked it.

Its amazing how non observant I am in the real world. I recognized all the names on the movie Stone, but I must have gotten lazy after the first two and wandered off each time. Had I known this was a movie with Edward Norton, I would have watched this much sooner.

Doesn’t mean it is good. Just means I like his acting.

And his hair style choices. I have always wanted corn rows. Edward Norton is now saying I should try it out.

The story is actually about Jack (Robert De Niro), a parole officer who is a few weeks from retirement (of course). His next and last case involves the prisoner who wants to be called Stone (Norton), and has been in Prison for about five years in a nine year sentence. He claims to be on a new path, spiritually, and got put in prison for arson. He also describes his wife, Lucy (Milla Jovovich), as an Alien from another planet due to how hot she is. She is depicted as someone super active, sexually, and a elementary school teacher. Wooo.

Eventually, through some prodding, Lucy finally convinces Jack to meet up with him to talk about releasing her husband. And she seduces them and sex happens. Jack, who has never broken a law in his life, and never cheated before, but isn’t necessarily a good guy, just good at seeing through bull shit. He has been married for 40 years (to Frances Conroy), but the marriage is loveless and stale, mostly his fault, and she feels trapped in the house.

Eventually Stone gets out of jail, per Jack’s permission. BUT WILL I MEAN DIRE CONSEQUENCES?

Also, Milla is a lot more naked in this movie than you’d have guessed.

So, what starts off as a movie in the thriller suspense genre, at some point turns into straight drama, sort of spiritual based, sort of fate based. Sort of something else. I was definitely interested in the beginning of the film, but found myself bored and not liking the way it was going.

The acting in it, don’t get me wrong, it was good. Even Milla. But the story? That felt weak. Not only that, but unfinished to me, and then at the end, pointless.

I like there to be a point to my time watching movies, and I feel like I wasted 2 hours. Good acting is not the only important thing to a good movie.

I have been told that a Dilemma is having to make a choice between two equally bad scenarios. A dilemma is not just having to make a bad choice or ignore it. My friend wanted me to make that clear for all the readers, but I will leave it up to you to decide if there is any real dilemma then.

But in other news, I have been avoiding this movie because it features prominently the Chicago Blackhawks, as they are in Chicago and fans of the team.

Statistically, they were not fans of them six years ago though.

Vince Vaughn and Kevin James are best friends, have been since college. James is very smart, knows all he can about numbers and statistics, and cars. Vaughn is a great talker, speech maker, and can make any sale. Together the have at dream. To make electric cars less lame, and more reminiscent of the muscle cars of the 50s and 60s. Feel that vroom in your acceleration, while also not damaging the environment. They are in the middle of making a real prototype, and if they succeed, they get a long term contract, with long term benefits. Needless to say, this is a very stressful time.

James is also married to Winona Ryder, together for almost 20 years, while Vaughn is just dating Jennifer Connelly. He wants to propose, but he has a hard time getting to that point. He also used to be addicted to gambling, which has damaged his relationships in the past, including this one a few years prior.

But when Vaughn catches Ryder having an affair with a very tattoo’d Channing Tatum? He initially wants to tell his friend right away, but he is already at a highly stressed point and if anything else happens he thinks he might explode. So instead he confronts Ryder to tell him, but apparently he also once slept with her in college (pre the dating, but still) and never told James. So she is prepared to tell James that the affair was actually with Vaughn, and he has been stalking her for 20 years, trying to get more.

Well thats weird. So Vaughn needs proof first of her affair, and then he can tell his friend! But with his sneaking around, everyone thinks he is gambling again, both men having lots of trouble working for the contract, and even James and Connelly have their own secrets! (No, not another affair). Oh, and Queen Latifah is in this movie too, if only to say things to make everyone feel uncomfortable, like “lady wood”.

Shit gets real.

Remember when I said shit gets real? That is because this movie changes its idea of comedy throughout. It is marketed as a buddy slapstick comedy, and involving cheating women. This certainly happens in the beginning, but a large portion of the movie is much closer on the darker comedy level. Then some more slapstick stuff. I think it would have been much better if it stuck to one (preferably the darker route) than back and forth. My mood kept changing, and it felt weird.

But also a lot of the sillier stuff I didn’t find to be that funny. There is a long scene at a club where Vaughn refuses to dance with his woman, because he doesn’t dance. But then does a large silly dance with James instead. Talk about bad dating material.

I thought it was severely lacking in the humor department overall, but a weirder thing happened while watching. I cared about the characters. What?

Jackie Chan is a beast. Can anyone top this guy? He has been in a billion things, some good, some not so good. Hell, some times he is barely in the movie. But he is always the best part.

But for The Karate Kid remake, where Jackie Chan is trying to replicate the role popularized by the great Pat Morita? Can he do that? In a remake, will he still somehow be the best part of the movie?

Yes. Even while looking like some sort of sailor scout.

So there are notable differences between this movie, and the original karate kid. So I won’t go over them, they should be obvious.

But hey, Jaden Smith is the star, and he lives with his single parents mom, Taraji P. Henson. They are living in the best city ever, Detroit, but they are transferring her job to China. What the heck. So they move!

China sucks for Jaden. When he was trying to impress this chick on the violin, Zhenwei Wang, some other guy gets mad, Wenwen Han, and tells her to get back to playing. Serious business, the violin. So they fight, and Jaden loses soundly. Then he has problems at school, not knowing the language. He wants to fight back, but instead of ignoring the bullies, he actively pisses them off more, by throwing lots of dirty water on the group of kids.

He then gets beat up again. Rightfully so, that time. He had no end game there. Run until what? Thankfully (?) Jackie Chan comes out of no where and saves him. The kids are mad and try to fight him too. So at this moment you are thinking that Chan is about to kick six middle school aged peoples asses in a fight? Pretty much. He doesn’t hit any of them technically, but also, whatever, it looks like he is beating up children.

They try to get the dojo guy to make them stop fighting, and get thrown out. They agree to leave him alone though until a Kung Fu tournament coming up, if Jaden enters. So of course he does, unknowingly, because he doesn’t speak the language. Then training happens. Questionable training involving his jacket, but not actual Kung Fu. Just kidding, somehow it helps. He also sees the Great Wall, a temple, masters of the art, etc. Then a tournament. Shady dealings, and final kick.

Size of picture is intentional. Take it all in folks.

Here’s what bugs me about the movie. Jaden Smith. Son of the William of Smith. I didn’t like him in this movie, I didn’t think it worked. They made the target demographic way too young. This is all involving middle schoolers. These love felt gestures, these crazy tournaments, all of that. It just feels weird when they are so young, not even in high school.

But really that is my biggest problem. A miscasting of the technically main role. I guess they salivated at the mouth at the thought of sequels, so if they do it while he is young, they can make more movies before he looks like he is some 30 year old mugging people with Kung Fu. Oh yeah, Kung Fu? In the Karate Kid? What?

That decision is also questionable. But everything else I loved. The movie could have been shorter, and the mom less annoying. But man, China. Good call. Lots of nice scenes, training was great, tournament was great. The last last scene had a little bit of a surprise to it too. I don’t think what happened is possible, thanks to physics, but hey, I didn’t expect it. I even rewatched the last fight, and slowed it down. Still kind of confuses me.

I was forced to watch Eagle Eye. I really didn’t want to. When someone asked me, “Hey man. Want to watch Eagle Eye?” I said this.

That was my way of both answering the question, and providing a reason why.

The movie begins with the US Army fucking up some terrorists. Or else that is what it looks like. They are at a funeral, but is also a guy they have been looking for, for a long ass time. It might not be him, but 51% chance it is! The secretary of defense (Michael Chiklis) says no go, but the President says go. So they do it. Whoops, civilians.

Long story short, this movie is about a super computer. That supercomputer can gather intel from pretty much anything electric or connected via remotes or on a network. Computers, cell phones are the big ones. It doesn’t like that the president and others put people at risk by ignoring its advice. The Secretary of Defense is cool though, in its mind, and thinks he should be president. So she tries to kill off the president and the other people on the chain of command.

Shia LaBeouf (slacker with a twin brother who was in the army, died, was super good at computer stuff) is being blackmailed, and so is Michelle Monaghan (single mother, who is being told her son will die if she doesn’t do the plan) are both being called by the mysterious woman (computer) and told to do things.

Which is basically get a bomb to DC and blow up the president. No biggie. Also Rosario Dawson and Billy Bob Thornton are trying to stop em, and figure out why they are so good at escaping shit.

“Is this Michelle? No no nononononnono!”

Know what I hate? Shia LaBeouf, and Spielberg’s fascination with him.

Know what I like? Super computers. Super computers being too good.

Argh! Opposing forces! This has a ridiculous number of action scenes and chase scenes, that also go on for long periods of time. Heck that is most of the movie. None of them even seem plausible, even with the possibility of a super computer. But hey, you can stretch some imagination. But that is all the movie has going for it. Those scenes, because there is very little down time or real development. So its just okay. I like my super computer movies to have some nice philosophical discussions in them too.

Everyone loves Marilyn Monroe. This is what people are saying. Apparently she is big right now, according to Smash. I don’t know why, I haven’t noticed any people talking about her more than she has been talked about the last 10 years. But since people are saying it, it must be true!

And that is why we get My Week With Marilyn. Based off of Marilyn Monroe coming to London to do a movie, and having a very brief relationship with some guy.

There she is. What a camera whore.

Colin Clark (Eddie Redmayne) is just a guy. He wants to be in film and also likes Marilyn Monroe (Michelle Williams) but who doesn’t? He tries to work under the great Laurence Oliver (Kenneth Branagh), because Marilyn Monroe is coming to shoot The Prince and The Showgirl. Through persistence, he becomes the assistant director.

Hey, Marilyn Monroe is weird. She has her own acting coach, and keeps trying to do things weirdly, even refusing to get lines right because she says it doesn’t make sense for her character. Turns out Oliver doesn’t think highly of her, or her constant delays of the production, and claims he got her for her looks, not her talent. She hates that shit. Know who else hates it all? Arthur Miller (Dougray Scott), her husband at the time. He was making a play also kind of making fun of her. So they fight about it all and he goes back to America.

TIME FOR COLIN CLARK TO MAKE HIS MOVE. Even though he is also kind of dating the costume design girl, Lucy (Emma Watson). Despite her reputation as a heart breaker, Clark hangs out with her a lot more. And then they do some things (Each other), and then eventually she leaves to go back to America when the movie is done, leaving Clark all sad and heartbroken.

But you don’t care about Clark do you? You care about Hermione.

So how was it? Well first, my fault clearly, I didn’t think it would only be a week of her life. But then again, that was the title. I actually thought it would be a full Monroe movie. I’m sure there is already 30 of those, though. Also, this isn’t going for an accurate portrayal of Marilyn. It is going through Clark’s eyes, how she was and felt to him, and it shows. She seems otherworldly in this movie, and also crazy. But definitely on a pedestal the whole time, and almost like she is better than the rest.

But I found the entire thing uninteresting. It could have been about any actress I felt, and made them weird, not just Marilyn. The movie they are filming doesn’t seem to be that popular/important of a film either, so it doesn’t hold much cultural significance. Just the premise in general makes Marilyn seem like a person with bad morals, which I am sure she wasn’t.

Right? Right?

But yeah. Probably only interesting to someone who already likes Marilyn Monroe. Everyone else won’t care, and will find it kind of boring.

What story is more cherished than The Three Musketeers?

Apparently a lot of them. You know how hard it was for me to find someone who knew the actual plot of The Three Musketeers book? I had never read it, nor have I really seen another movie with them in it. Maybe a wishbone episode, but I don’t remember it. I know I am not comparing the book to this new movie, but while watching it, I knew pretty certainly that some of the events in the movie could not have possibly been in the book.

After all, if they had been, that book might be a lot cooler.

This scene was one of the few that made me question if this was the actual story or not.

The story begins with the Three Musketeers trying to unlock Leonardo da Vinci’s secret tomb, where his most awesome invention blueprints were stored. Athos (Matthew Macfadyen), Aramis (Luke Evans) and Porthos (Ray Stevenson) are all introduced (even with frozen framed name cards!), as is Milady de Winter (Milla Jovovich). Each are shown their general personality, and how they prefer to conduct business and fight.

But after acquiring the plans for the warship…betrayal! In the form of the Duke of Buckingham (Orlando Bloom). The Musketeer program is disbanded at that point. A year later, D’Artagnan (Logan Lerman, aka the Percy Jackson) is training with his father, a former musketeer. He dreams of going to Paris and becoming one himself, and so, you know, does that.

In Paris, he starts off on the wrong foot, pissing off Rochefort (Mads Mikkelsen), captain of the Cardinal Richelieu’s (Christoph Waltz) guard. Despite barely escaping, while running through Paris, he also encounters each of the Musketeers, offends them too, and offers them each a duel an hour apart. Then he is like, oh shit, Musketeers.

They get arrested for illegal dueling, but because they took out 40 men in the process, the king (Freddie Fox) reinstates the Musketeers. Just in time. Because the Duke wants to go to war with France. So he arranges that love notes be found in the queen’s (Juno Temple) desk, that say she was having an affair with the duke, and had given him certain rare diamonds (which he has hence stolen). The king will be forced to execute his wife, and go to war, but because he is so young, the public wont like it, and reinstate someone else instead.

Unless the Musketeers can fix the day! Also there is a hot lady in waiting Constance (Gabriella Wilde) who totally wants D’Artagnan.

Lerman (center) looks like his head is out of place each scene with that hair.

How’d you like that summary? If you actually read the book, you’d notice obvious differences. I think Milady plays a way more important role in this movie, than the books. I think also the affair is real in the books (maybe here too? Could be argued). Also, warships.

This movie is also VERY colorful. The colors pop out, at first kind of distracted me (in the first throne room scene), but I got used to it and overall liked it.

Also, this movie reminded me of TONS of other movies. The movie did had an overall epic feel, similar to Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of The Black Pearl, and not just because of Orlando Bloom. If anything this movie succeeds because of everyone else. There was also a scene that was a clear homage to Mission Impossible. But instead of lasers, I assume just had to see trip wires that would ring bells, or something.

Did I mention warships?

If I had a big complaint, I would say they didn’t flesh out the three musketeers personality wise enough. They do a bit at the beginning, and some other moments, but this is clearly an action driven movie. I will say that all the musketeers, in my eyes, did a fantastic job, and the kid. Seriously, they all kicked some ass. I liked the steampunk like warships involved, and found it odd that I was so captivated by a movie that did so bad in the box office.

GUYS. WARSHIPS. GUYS.

Hooray for movies nominated for academy awards!

That is what I would say if I was snobbish. But would a snobby person care about The Descendants, since the only thing it did was win best adapted screenplay? No one cares about that, unless you are the Dean from Community.

So lets just open this up in my normal way, and not a fake snobby way.

Hooray for movies with George Clooney!

Hooray for them not being political in nature!

The movie begins with a woman water skiing getting fucked up. Or at least her happiness right before the fucking up occurs. Then we get GC narrating. Ah, his wife is now in a coma, brain damage. That sucks. Their marriage has been drifting apart, sure. But this is not something he wanted to happen, or ever considered happening. She raised the children, while he was the breadwinner. While being a lawyer himself, he was also the sole trust member of the thousands of acres of land his family owned.

Why? Because he is related to King Kamehameha, and it has been passed down through the generations.

Due to some law, in a few years he will lose the land, so his family is looking to him to sell it to many potential buyers who would like to use it for tourist sites, ruining the natural beauty. He has all the power, but damn it, his wife is about to die! Both of his children are acting up, who he has never really had to raise or look after on his own before. Amara Miller is the younger daughter, living at home with him, and Shailene Woodley is away at boarding school.

The movie is about his character having to make such a great decision, while also dealing with the loss of his wife. Loss? Yeah, in her will she said she didn’t want to be supported on a machine with no hope of coming back, so the plug has to be pulled. He also has to tell all of her friends and relatives of the decision. Including one man he didn’t know existed, the man who his wife was cheating on him with.

Matthew Lillard plays that man, and Judy Greer his wife. The friend of the older daughter, Nick Krause, is also in this movie, as a jack ass who speaks what everyone is secretly thinking.

He also might get punched in the face pretty often.

So why is this movie good? You know why, George Clooney. He is an awesome character. Super relatable, minus the whole rich thing. I did bust out laughing at more than one occasion, but part of it was because the lines Clooney said wee so good. Id like to think I would say the exact same things as him, but I am not as cool.

Everyone else does a good job too, making the movie seem real, which was exciting. The Hawaiian feel didn’t hurt either.

The film was nominated because it was an all around good movie, and its not even artsy.

If you were booking a vacation, I can easily understand picking a place called Love Ranch. First I assume this isn’t a couples retreat, but a place for single people. Secondly, do they actually grow love there? Or just capture and brand it?

Shit, I don’t know anything about Ranches. This intro is dumb!

“Get rid of sin! God will win!”

Love Ranch was the first ever legal brothel in the United States. If you didn’t know, Nevada is a bit more slack with those laws. But how could you not know? Maybe you don’t know what the internet is, and are reading a print out of this review 200 years in the future. Hello future!

The owners and operators of this establishment are Joe Pesci and Helen Mirren, married. Sure they don’t sex as much as they used to, but they still love each other. Maybe. If you know anything about brothels, you of course know that they probably deal with gambling or something to right? Of course, especially in Reno.

But instead of just gambling, Pesci wants a boxer. A local boy preferably, to get lots of sponsorships, to put Reno back on the map. He finds a guy, Sergio Peris-Mencheta, and buys his rights and begins to train him. Mirren is placed as his manager, against her will, and she also decides to train him a lot.

Then a fight finally happens, he barely wins, but gets messed up hard. In the doctors office they find out he has had brain surgery before and has a metal plate in his head! I first though that mean an unfair advantage, but that’s because I am an asshole. What it really means is in a sport like boxing, he has a way higher chance of dying by getting knocked out, and he is lucky to be alive. Whoops.

Pesci doesn’t like how close they are getting. After all, pre-fight Mirren and the boxer had sex. HOW DARE THEY. Only Pesci is allowed to sleep with the workers. Fighting happens. Someone might die. Someone might be put in jail. And someone might get away better than ever.

Oh yeah, and prostitutes.

For a movie about the first brothel, there is an awful lot of the movie not about the Brothel. It seems like the fact that it is the first legal brothel is an afterthought. There are a few small scenes that I wanted to see more of, such as an unruly customer, and protestors, but they each were small scenes and overall meaningless. Because the movie was about everything but the brothel.

Lets talk about Joe Pesci. This is his first leading role for 13 years. Sure, he had a small role in 2006 with The Good Shepherd, and a supporting role in 1998 with Lethal Weapon 4, but his last leading role was actually Gone Fishin’, and thus the movie that ended his career. Yet somehow he was like, “Yes! Let me be the pimp who doesn’t do much pimpin’!”

Overall, the movie felt incredibly slow. There are some naked ladies involved, but the plot of the boxer, and Mirren sleeping with the boxer was also quite uninteresting. The boxer out of all three almost seemed like he had the most development, and stronger acting moments. But I think that is just due to the fact that he had blood on his face a lot.