Gorgon Reviews

Stoker is a movie I had to wait four months to see. It didn’t come to the local theaters, not even the ones an hour away. I was pretty disappointed, because the trailer not only looked really friggan awesome, but it was an original story. That’s right. It was not based on a book, a play, a short, nothing. Just an original movie that looked creepy and sexy.

I wanted it so bad. But I had to wait for the DVD release date. I also wanted to see it on Blu-Ray, but I missed out on that opportunity as well. Damn.

I couldn’t find the better shot where you could see her eye through the scope. I have failed the internet.

Death death death! The movie begins with the death of a father. Car crash, a few states away, burning to death. Very gruesome, very tragic. India Stoker (Mia Wasikowska) just turned 18 as well, and is kind of all sorts of distraught. She is like, seriously fucked up over this. Big sad times.

Her mom Evelyn (Nicole Kidman) is a dirty little whore. Okay, that is harsh. But still, her husband just died, who she hasn’t been intimate in awhile, and after the funeral she invites the mysterious brother, Charles Stoker (Matthew Goode) to live with them. That is pretty soon, you are a widow, you should be grieving.

Well, Charles is kind of a creepy guy. He stares a lot, right into your soul basically. He stares so fucking hard. India is uncomfortable around him too, and for good reason. Charles has many secrets of his own. But maybe India will like his secrets once he makes his intentions clear?

Also, Alden Ehrenreich has a small ish role in this movie, and he is basically the opposite of his role in Beautiful Creatures. It made me hate him a lot.

I guess, to be fair, she stares just as creepily as he does.

Woo! What a sexy movie, in a creepy way. Let me reiterate how disappointed I am that I didn’t get to see this movie on Blu-Ray, it would have been even sexier looking. The cinematography is fantastic in this film, in all ways. Camera angles, the way the camera moves around the scene, and the way scenes morphed from scene to scene. There was a scene that had a close up of Kidman’s red hair, that transformed into a grassy field, and I almost flipped a shit. It was such a good transition.

The acting is great in this film too, with only a few characters it is not too hard. Nicole Kidman’s character was just ridiculously flustered the whole time, Matthew Goode and Mia Wasikowska were both different levels of creepy.

I do think this film lacked a little bit. It was slow at parts, and not as life changing as I would hope. It was incredibly well done, but not over the top well done that I set it up for. So maybe that was my fault. But I don’t think if I went in completely blind it would be a 4 out of 4, still a 3 out of 4.

Too much talk, not enough ending to the review. Check it out. But it is obviously a dark movie. I loved the ending too.

3 out of 4.

There comes a time in every man’s life when they see a trilogy that makes them so hard for drama. That might sound graphic, but that is how I felt watching Before Sunrise, Before Sunset, and Before Midnight.

Have you heard? Before Sunrise came out in 1995, and it is about two people who meet on a train in Vienna. On a whim, they go out and explore the city together, having a long first date, and decide to meet each other again in a year. Before Sunset came out in 2004, nine years later, and was set nine years later. The man now an author, who wrote about their experience, the woman, still French, and an environmentalist.

So what happened? Before Midnight is ending their story, that I know of. It came out in 2013, another nine years later, and is set of course, nine years later. Holy fuckity fuck, that is ballsy. Same actor/actress, and same director.

I have seen them age and grow. I feel like God.

I don’t know how to write this review. I feel bad talking about the plot, because I really wish you have seen the first two movies before you saw this one, although I have a source that tells me you can enjoy this one without it. Let’s just say that I am going to describe their current state of lives, and they will kind of be spoilers. So, read at your own risk.

Jesse (Ethan Hawke) and Celine (Julie Delpy) have two twin daughters, both seven. They are near the end of a six week vacation in Greece, although they live in Paris. Jesse has written a few more books now and Celine is really high up on her career path. She is thinking of making a change, although Jesse isn’t a fan of it.

Jesse is also worried about his son from his previous marriage, who he only gets custody during the summer and Christmas. He lives in Chicago now, and his ex-wife hates him, understandably. But he wants to be closer to his son, now that he is in high school and is going to be an adult soon. He wants to be there for him. His wife doesn’t want to move to Chicago.

Here we have a day in their life, discussing their future, discussing their relationship, the lows, the highs, and the neutrals.

Spoilers, you get to see her boobs too. Like, a lot.

Fuck yes. I loved this movie. In fact, I want the whole trilogy in a nice cool box set. I would buy that so hard. Even if they offered to buy me a klondike bar to not buy it, I would give up that klondike bar chance. That is how much I love this franchise.

Why? Well, for one reason, it is all basically dialogue. That is great for those of us who love dramas. More importantly, a lot of the scenes are quite long, single camera frame, with them walking or driving in a car with no real cutaways. That means they are doing this all from memory, actually acting and being real about it. The realism is incredible, which makes the sweet parts that much sweeter, and the anger fight induced parts that much scarier/sadder.

You should watch these movies. Or else, you know, you are probably lame. Each one is fantastic (well, the second one is the least fantastic), and they probably deserve your money more than you.

4 out of 4.

It is a strange time for zombie movies, with the last few serious ones never really living up to the “George A. Romero” Standards. Who decides these standards? Well, fans of the old stuff, who hate everything new, basically. Thankfully with films like Warm Bodies, zombies that break the mold are becoming a bit more accepted by movie watchers.

However, the fact that World War Z (Trailer) has really fast moving zombies doesn’t seem to be the major concern with most viewers. It is the fact that the movie is almost nothing like the book (According to book author Max Brooks) that the name comes from.. I never tend to care about source material with reviews. If a movie is good on its own merits, it should be judged on its own merits. But even I can admit that making it nothing like the material and only borrowing the name is just a bit scummy.

I tried to tell Brad Pitt that I was disappointed in that fact, but with a face like his, how could I stay mad?

Let’s not even get into the luscious hair that he sports for this film.

The movie begins with a series of news reports letting the viewer note the currents state of the world. After that, we are introduced to the main family in this story. Gerry Lane (Brad Pitt) is now a stay at home dad, with two young daughters and a loving wife Karin (Mireille Enos).

About seven minutes into the film, they stop with all the boring drama nonsense, and get straight into crazy zombie madness! All around the world, zombie outbreaks are occurring, with many major cities falling. The Lanes are in Pennsylvania and find themselves on the run with the world crumbling beneath them.

However, it turns out Gerry used to be a pretty big deal in the United Nations, a smart guy, very tactical, and good at the surviving in extremely volatile locations. His former boss John Garang (Fana Mokoena) is able to lift him out of Newark, New Jersey, giving his family a space on the fleet in the Atlantic. Far away from any mean old zombies. Unfortunately, this lift to freedom doesn’t come without a price. Gerry has to go with a small team of seal soldiers and a scientist to help figure out the cause of the outbreak, or you know, the end of the world.

Let’s also not forget that Matthew Fox is in this movie as the important role of “Paratrooper.” Arguably a big name actor, he has less than a minute of real screen time I’d estimate. Danielle Kertesz plays a female Israeli soldier!

They would make great mindless cheerleaders. Dat pyramid.

Did I mention I loved that the action in the movie started so dang early? I thought I was going to be left with a lot of family drama, worrying about protecting the kids, but within the first half hour they are dropped off on the aircraft carrier and only a minor nuisance after that. When watching this movie, you are not going to care about his family, or any other character. Really the only important person in this movie is Brad Pitt. His youngest daughter is particularly distracting early on, mostly because she is a nine or ten year old girl acting like a four year old.

Another potential issue is that this film is only PG-13. The lack of blood and decapitated bodies seems to be a problem for the die-hard zombie fans, but it was a problem I could ignore. My biggest issue is with the sometimes sub par CGI. The mass hoards of zombies would often appear more blurry, which just ruins otherwise fantastic action scenes.

Despite the narrative flaws and less than stellar effects, the movie kept me interested throughout its almost two hour run time. I jumped out of seat on multiple occasions, often surprised how much fear was in the movie. Yes, it is zombie based, but the trailers made it seem like it would be action/adventure oriented. Brad Pitt survives some ludicrous situations, almost making me laugh at how ridiculous it all is. But he is a big movie star, I know he is going to survive inconsequential things like airplane crashes and stab wounds.

As a zombie movie, it is actually pretty tame, but I think it adds something unique to the genre.

3 out of 4.

For Legion, it is one the last of the main entries into Apocalypse Week.

I remember the trailers for this movie, and thought nothing of it. Random horror. I almost bought it cheap on Black Friday two years ago, but my brother said it was dumb, so I never bothered. But now, finally, I can see it. I love catching up on things I missed.

“…So then the bartender goes, why the long face?!”

The story begins with Michael (Paul Bettany) fighting off some demon looking mother fuckers, and being quite vague. Oh yeah, he totally had angel wings too, but has apparently got rid of them. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat.

Now we find ourselves at a diner in the middle of nowhere. We have quite a few people there, including: Bob Hanson (Dennis Quaid), the owner, his son, Jeep (Lucas Black), their cook (Charles S. Dutton), and a pregnant waitress, Charlie (Adrianne Palicki).

Well, they have some customers too, but who cares. We care about Kyle (Tyrese Gibson) a dangerous looking man who is going to LA. Yes, dangerous because of his skin color maybe. Either way, eventually, some old ass lady walks in and starts causing a fuss, turns into a demon, and tries to get her kill on. Kyle saves the day!

Mass confusion, then enters Michael. Oh, yeah, he seems crazy. He also has a lot of guns. Just because a small army of people who turn into demons attack the diner doesn’t mean he isn’t crazy still. You see, apparently God has lost all hope with the human race. He wants to smite them down, so has sent creatures to take out the Earth. Michael didn’t like that so he abandoned the Angel status to save the human race. How does he do that? By protecting the pregnant lady, whose child is apparently the key to humans winning out.

Great! One against many! Let’s do it. Kevin Durand is Archangel Gabriel too? Heck yeah. I am pumped.

Keamy from Lost has never looked more “cool.”

The plot of this movie actually excited me. Shoot out at a diner in the middle of nowhere, protect the girl at all costs, Angels are the bad guys, also demon things? Why not?

Well, the old lady demon was pretty dang silly. They used the climb on the ceiling tactic multiple times, one as an old lady, the other with a young little boy. Apparently that is all they had going. All the other demons had nothing special going on with them, besides awkward jaunts and large mouths. But still, cool fights and guns right?

Well, I wish. It seemed like post Michael arrival and the mini army, which was promptly dealt with, the movie went into a long lull of boredom before the next wave or anything really happened. Sure, things did happen. But I wanted more guns and demons, damn it. It felt like hours waiting for more things to attack. We are also left with a lot of silly different deaths, that bug me more than anything. Sure they are diverse, but they don’t feel creative, they feel lazy. Don’t take out my favorite character by having him be a hero for no reason, kay?

Just saying. Could have had a lot more cooler deaths and shootouts, and not a lot of downtime in between cool scenes. Really loved the Angel fight too, for some reason.

2 out of 4.

Stake Land is another movie I passed up on watching when it came out because it was probably “Scary”. Same story, different movie. Turns out it is about vampires AND apocalyptic. Great addition to Apocalypse Week, then.

Unfortunately, the title Stake Land makes me think of Scrubs, specifically, Steak Night. Yes, both words are different, but shut up. Oh well, I am probably just hungry. The cover image looks kind of cool though.

Oh god. I thought that was Jeffrey Dean Morgan for a second. Whew, that was a close one.

So yeah, Vampires are a thing now and they are kind of fucking up the world. It is kind of like the Zombie Apocalypse, but vampires. So day time is fine, but people have to fear the night, and blood thirsty animal like savages. They are different than zombies damn it. Still can’t stand a stake in the heart though. But who can survive that anyways?

Our hero is young Martin (Connor Paolo) who lost his parents to the vampiric plague. He was later discovered by a vampire hunter who just goes by the name of Mister (Nick Damici), and Mister has taken it up on his own to teach Martin how to survive, how to kill, how to make a living off the land, not being scared of what can happen.

Okay, that is kind of the whole movie. Vampire killing, surviving, and shit happening. They run into some other survivors who join their ranks, including Willie (Sean Nelson), an ex Marine, and Belle (Danielle Harris) a pregnant singing chick.

There is also this fucked up group The Brotherhood, with the local chapter being lead by Jebedia Loven (Michael Cerveris). They are super religious, but an extreme group, who often feed wrong doers to the vampires for being unholy. They are all sorts of fucked up, and a human presence that are almost work than the vampires running around at night.

“Jeepers Mister, you’re really strong”. I just quoted the Disney fucking Hercules, because it fit so well here.

Turns out I need to stop being such a jerk when it comes to movie covers. Sure, I didn’t watch it because I thought it would be a horror film. But if I did some research, any at all, I would have found it to be a drama with some horror elements at all. Maybe the cover itself made me think it was a B film as well. Either way, excuses are excuses, and I should have watched this movie when it came out.

Why? Because I kind of liked it. I could have recommended it to people for over a year now! Boo!

Either way, this movie reminded me a lot of The Road. Kind of like a man and his son, and the people they meet. The Road is a lot more bleaker, and that’s why it is rated higher. Because shit was real. This one had a lower budget, but more fight scenes and a lot more death (and a bit less sadness). But despite that, I think it was an interesting fresh take on vampires and apocalypse movies, so I am happy it didn’t disappoint.

3 out of 4.

It is hard to pull off a movie like This Is The End. The actors end up playing fictional versions of themselves, setting the film in “the real world” where the stars are stars and the random people in the background are real random people. I should also mention this film is part of my Apocalypse Week.

In fact, I’d say some of the funniest cameos in history have been actors playing fictional versions of themselves, such as Neil Patrick Harris in the Harold and Kumar trilogy. So here we have a movie using only that joke and setting it during the Apocalypse? I smell comedy gold.

Michael Cera smells pussy. Jay Baruchel (Jay Baruchel) is headed back to LA to visit his friend Seth Rogen (Seth Rogen). They used to be great friends, both being Canadian and growing up together, but now Seth is a lot bigger in Hollywood than Jay! So Seth he has new friends and seems to have moved on. Thus, Jay hates LA and all of Seth’s new friends.

But after getting high and chilling, Seth really wants to go to James Franco’s (James Franco) house for a killer party. He has a new place, it is supposed to be off the hook, and he promises to not leave Jay alone. They meet some of Seth’s new friends, like the ultra way too nice Jonah Hill (Jonah Hill), and the charismatic Craig Robinson (Craig Robinson). This might sound like a love story between Seth and Jay and in a way, it is.

Unfortunately during the party the apocalypse happens! Blue beams come out of the sky and take away the good members of society (meaning the actors are all left behind of course), leaving only the sinners and scum of the Earth left to wallow. We also get fires, sinkholes, darkness, ash, and maybe even the spawns of Satan roaming the streets, killin’ everybody in sight. Yay!

Too bad they also have Danny McBride (Danny McBride) stuck in their house, being the general unpleasant sourpuss that he is. For those curious, yes, he is identical to his Kenny Powers self.

We also a huge load of celebrity cameos, including Michael Cera, Emma Watson, Rihanna, Kevin Hart, Aziz Ansari, Mindy Kaling, Christopher Mintz-Plasse and more.

This movie was very aware, very funny, and very awesome. It had thrills, chills, laughs and gas. It wasn’t a straight up “stoner comedy” either, which was a big fear of mine. Was there drug usage? Yes. But it wasn’t the main plot point. After all, supplies run low really quickly during an apocalypse.

The last “meta”-esque movie that I enjoyed this much was Tropic Thunder. Although it wasn’t the actors playing themselves, it was at least actors playing other actors and extreme versions of actor cliches. However, I expect this movie won’t lead to anyone getting a nomination for Best Supporting Actor.

Long story short, I laughed constantly throughout this movie. I am sure over half of it is ad-libbed too, and yet I was still surprised at times at how far they went. I am excited to buy this on Blu-Ray to see all the outtakes. In fact, I bet even the commentary will be pretty dang awesome. It should also be noted that Michael Cera was even better in his small cameo than the trailer let on. If I had to change one thing, I would have added a lot more Danny McBride, who was by and large the funniest part of the film.

This Is The End isn’t for everyone, but it was almost perfect for me.

4 out of 4.

If you have talked to me about superheroes before, you will have found out I prefer Marvel to DC. Marvel sets its characters in real cities in the real world, generally makes their characters relatable, and almost always gives them character flaws, like Tony Stark and his alcoholism.

If you had to ask for my least favorite (popular) superhero, it would definitely be Superman. The idea of his character is boring. He is hardly relatable, being an alien from another planet who has ungodly powers compared to the rest of us. He is generally unstoppable, unless somehow an even stronger force appears, or a very rare substance from his home world magically shows up. Not even Five For Fighting could convince me otherwise.

Regardless, I was still excited about Man Of Steel (Trailer). It looks like their main goal was to make him a bit more relatable to us normal folks, which is one of the harder tasks out there. So if we can get some good drama, and for goodness sake, some good action in this movie, I might just like Superman again. Basically, make it the opposite of Superman Returns. Although it only barely fits, this is also part of my Apocalypse Week, because technically it could involve the end of the world?

I like to picture the helicopters as his Angel/Devil counterparts, telling him what to do. Of course, they are helicopters, so they are both telling him to fuck some shit up.

The movie begins on the planet of Krypton! You see, the elders there have expended all of the planets natural resources, so the planet is kind of doomed, threatening the entire race. General Zod (Michael Shannon) is attempting a military coup to fix the mess the elders have caused, while Jor-El (Russell Crowe) has an alternative answer. He believes his newly born son has the answer to their future, and sends him off to Earth to live and grow, while the rest of his kind perish.

So, Kal-El (Henry Cavill, eventually) finds himself in Smallville, Kansas. He is raised by the Kents (Kevin Costner, Diane Lane), taught to be a good person and to hide his powers from others, who might be afraid of him or use it against him. It isn’t until much later in his life, when he is on odd job #35, that he is able to find an ancient alien space craft. There he finds the answers to his past, his race, and his purpose.

This unfortunately also sets off a beacon into space, allowing General Zod and his crew to find his location. They’ve been amassing a giant army and are looking for a new home. Thanks Kal-El, you doomed the Earth.

They show up, demand Kal-El turn himself over, or else the planet is kaput. Surely he is a man true to his word and will actually leave Earth alone, right? We also have Amy Adams as Lois Lane, Richard Schiff as random scientist FBI guy, Laurence Fishburne as The Daily Planet editor, and Christopher Meloni as bad ass army man.

Not to ruin the movie for you, but the entire time I thought Zod looked a bit like Geoffrey Arend.

I’ve already wrote a lot about the movie, but hold on to your butts, I have a lot more coming.

Zack Snyder is the man who brought us 300 and Watchmen, both of which I love on their own right, and is a man fully ingrained into the superhero world now. He has the ability to make a movie visually pleasing, but sometimes relies on too many film filters to take me out of it.

I hated the filtering for Man Of Steel, but the fight scenes are quite worthy of praise. They mostly involve aliens who move much faster and hit a lot harder than we can even fathom, yet Snyder was able to create fight scenes that could both A) Be followed and understood by an audience and B) show off really cool visual effects. Often times in fight scenes, you will be stuck with blurriness in the action, just not in this movie.

It was great watching Superman doing actual super things, whereas in Superman Returns, the whole movie was him lifting progressively heavier objects.

In addition to Snyder, the film also features Christopher Nolan as a writer and producer, so he can hopefully add some deeper elements to the story that Snyder usually lacks. Unfortunately, I thought the plot and characterizations were probably the weakest part of the film.

General Zod is an interesting villain, mostly because he isn’t Lex Luther. However I think they spent far too much time on Krypton early in the film, which seemed to exist just to give Crowe even more screen time and show off lots of CGI explosions. Unfortunately right after that, we had a series of awkward childhood flashbacks while Superman is an adult hiding from the world, making the early movie feel disjointed and odd. I have to admit, I think a lot could have been cut from the 143 minute storyline to make a bit more exciting movie.

Yes, I am claiming large parts of the Man Of Steel were boring, a sad conclusion. Great action scenes, okay acting, boring overall plot and set up. I really disliked Costner’s character. That guy was an idiot and I felt nothing during his biggest emotional scene of the movie. Heck, you’d think people living in Kansas would also know that when a Tornado is coming an overpass is NOT the best place to run and hide. I know that, and I’ve lived in the Midwest less than year. That isn’t why the film got the rating, but it really grinded my gears nonetheless.

Overall, Man Of Steel is a decent showing for a DC character I hate, but it still isn’t enough to fully love.

2 out of 4.

The FP was the third movie added to my Apocalypse Week, after the This Is The End and Rapture-Palooza. Before I describe it, you will want to know how I found out existed.

The main character from this movie, JTRO, was actually in This Is The End, as a cannibal near the end. Same costume, random as fuck cameo that most people won’t get from this vague vague movie. Yep.

But here is how I was introduced to the movie, through the IMDB description.

In a post apocalyptic future, two rival gangs fight for control of Frazier Park by playing “Beat Beat Revelation”, a deadly version of Dance, Dance, Revolution(TM).

“What? Don’t be a playa’ hata’, we just want to dance!” Right now you are probably thinking “Nope. No Way. No way at all. This is fake.” Too bad. This is 100% real and happening. And also a parody. Need more proof. Look below.

No words needed. Yep, they are dancing alright. But what makes it deadly? Nothing. From what I could tell. I thought the loser would get killed or something, but no, they just dance for street cred.

Well, when the two gangs are fighting, BTRO (Brandon Barrera, who looks a lot like Josh Radnor in that first picture.) is going against the other teams leader L Dubba E (Lee Valmassey). Unfortunately, during an extremely challenging song, BTRO finds himself losing and eventually dies.

How? I dunno. Heart attack or something. But his younger brother, JTRO (Jason Trost) is completely miserable after this battle, so he swears off the gang and runs off on his own, never to dance again. OH NO!

Well, years later, Frazier Park is in ruin. The other gang has won and it sucks. After a series of big speeches from KCDC (Art Hsu), he comes back to the fray, earns some more street cred, and challenges L Dubba E for the title again.

Also he has an eyepatch. For some reason. I feel like I should mention more names of people in this movie. Like Stacy. Okay. That isn’t weird. How bout Beat Box Busta Bill, Sugga Nigga, and Stacy’s Dad. Damn that last one is weird.

Either way, this movie is completely ridiculous, as expected. But it wasn’t ridiculous enough. It is clearly a parody, everything is over the top, the dialogue is ridiculous, it cannot be meant to be taken seriously, so I won’t.

But seriously, where is my deadly DDR game? They only danced a few times in this game, and it all looked tame as shit. I wanted more extreme.

Maybe that was the parody part. Making me wish it was better? Either way, I can’t give it an amazing review. Just because the movie was a lot tamer than I would have hoped.

2 out of 4.

I have decided to have a theme week. Are you ready? Apocalypse Week. End of the world shit. You know. It seemed appropriate with the new movies coming out this week. In case you are curious in the future which movies are part of the week, I have tagged them all as Apocalypse Week as well as their normal tags.

This mostly came about because I finally had access to Rapture-Palooza and watched it a few days after seeing This Is The End. Similar theme? Heck yeah. It was pretty easy to find a few more to shoe-in too.

I’d like to get my shoe into Anna. Or something perverted/sexy. I am bad at this.

As already stated, this movie begins with the apocalypse! Yay! Lindsey (Anna Kendrick) and her boyfriend Ben (John Francis Daley, who you may remember from Freaks and Geeks) didn’t believe in any god figure, so they were left behind, along with most of their family. Well, their moms were set. Kind of. But that is it. So now they have to try to live life as if there was no fire and brimstone, because what else are they going to do?

Anyways, life is very different. We have wraiths running around to cause trouble, their neighbor (Thomas Lennon) came back as a zombie, but for whatever reason just wants to mow his line. There are meteors that fall from the sky, usually to ruin their day.

Hell, Ben’s dad (Rob Corddry) sold his soul to the devil. Satan, or as he likes to call himself The Beast (Craig Robinson) has taken up residence in Seattle, and is out to party. Rapture is basically over, hell on Earth has happened, and people are just trying to get by.

But then he spies poor little old Lindsey, and he wants her. He wants her hard. Not just because she is a virgin either. So he asks her out, knowing that if she says no, he will kill everyone she has ever loved. Well damn. Guess she has to go out with him. Not without working on a plan to kill/trap him for a thousand years first though!

Rob Heubel plays a security guard, and Ken Jeong plays…eh. I don’t want to tell you.

Basically every time they are together, you can hear Craig Robinson say graphic things to Anna Kendrick. Worth the admission price? Probably.

Craig Robinson may have saved this movie from being a total dud. Yes, it felt like he was just playing a very arrogant and cocky version of himself, but he really bombarded Anna Kendrick with some vile stuff, and she took it all like a champ.

Anna also served as our narrator and I found her voice and attitude great for the role, giving zero fucks about the world falling apart around her. I also enjoyed a few of the gags, including pot head Wraiths, and the part near the end with Ken Jeong…even if it made very little sense.

However, it wasn’t an amazing movie on its own. It is okay, decent, not horrible, just not amazing. I understand why it never hit theaters, it is just plain weird. Yes, I do like weird, but this is a different type of weird I’d say. Quirky maybe. It could have been a lot better, and shit, might have worked best as a TV show. I could see the whole movie being an entire season, not like 22 episodes, but a solid 10-12. Introducing new problems, and just kind of nonchalantly dealing with them and giving not a fuck in the world.

2 out of 4.

I am not sure why it took me so long to see Tooth Fairy 2. It definitely came out to DVD when I was still at Blockbuster and watching everything that came in front of my face, but we must have been closing soon, because it just never happened. Thank goodness I get bored enough to throw it on the laptop, and can write this review.

Here is what I won’t do. I won’t complain the same rant I did in Tooth Fairy. But it is still true, and it is still very annoying, and yes the rating reflects that, for sure.

Good news, they brought back the pink tutu joke from the first movie, but you know, made it for 3/5 of the film!

Alright, this movie takes place in small town who gives a fuck. Larry Guthrie (Larry The Cable Guy), yes his name is fucking Larry, is dating a woman (Erin Beute). Surprise. Well, en route to a nieces one year old birthday party, they stop at a bowling alley.

Oh hey, chance to win a car. Just have to have name called in a lotto, then get a 7/10 split within three chances. Surprise surprise, Larry gets his name called, and does the most ridiculous shot ever to not only get the split but also several strikes lanes over. He is a local hero! Woman is mad at him for missing party, despite winning a new car. She is a bitch.

A year later, he is alone, and she is going to marry a guy running for mayor now (David Mackey). Way to fail. Well, he ends up ruining the fact that the tooth fairy isn’t real. Because he tells a kid the truth, he gets punished by tooth fairy. He now has to do tooth fairy-ing, collect 10 teeth in 10 days or else they will take out his favorite memory.

Kind of fucked up. Do you see where this is going? Good. I am done with it.

Thankfully they give him a…better outfit eventually?

Fuck this movie. It is worse than the first one. It takes all the good parts of the first one, and replaces them with shit. Seriously. The last one at least had hockey! And a better story line!

This has a bowling scene, and a mechanic who learns to what? Not tell kid the truth? I am confused.

He learns eventually that family is more important, and swooning over a woman. But holy shit, he won a bad ass car in the most amazing shot ever. She be trippin’. He was right, it is a 1 year old birthday party, who gives a poop?

Whatever. This movie was a bad idea from start to finish, and I even kind of liked the first one.

0 out of 4.