The Hole

Heh. The Hole.

Heh heh heh.

Heh.

Puppet
Oh. This isn’t that funny anymore.

Dane (Chris Massoglia), Lucas (Nathan Gamble) and their mom (Teri Polo) are moving to another new home, in another non descript good old fashioned US City.

The kids find a hole in they’re basement. It is deep. It is dark. So dark. Oh well.

Eventually they start seeing weird things happen. You know, a puppet moves around on its own. They see a tiny (dead?) girl creeping around the house and going into the hole. Just a lot of weird things. They also introduce their neighbor, Julie (Haley Bennett), to the hole, and it goes okay.

After talking to Creepy Carl (Bruce Dern) who lives down the street, he claims the hole as existed since the first fear existed. That’s right, it may be a funnel to hell, but it scares you with your greatest fears, and manifests them into a real entity that can hurt you. Shit. And these fuckers had to go and open it, dooming everyone.

Hole Hole
“Yep, that’s a hole.”

The only reason I decided to watch The Hole is because it was directed by Joe Dante, who brought us Gremlins and Small Soldiers, both scaryish films but decent for kids in their own ways. I like them both, and nostalgia aside, I think they are both rewatchable many years later. So I was hoping this movie would be similar to them in nature.

Well, I don’t think The Hole is really similar to them at all. Sad but true.

It goes for a horror-esque element, but nothing felt terrifying, just hokey. Hell, Small Soldiers still kind of frightens me when I watch it. This one is just lacking any of the same humor level and fear. It is just some kids being kids. Not an exciting topic for this adult.

This story reminded me of another horror movie I saw in my youth. The Gate. In The Gate, a group of kids find a hole in their backyard, not their basement, and it leads to hell. Demons come out, scary shit. I remember it vaguely, I remember it terrified me, even though it was PG-13 and I was the appropriate age. I can’t imagine anyone finding this one scary. So yeah, a very similar story. Not too original Joe Dante.

Shit. The Gate had a young Stephen Dorff in it. Very surprising, he grew up to be famous! I wonder if any of these kids will matter in 10 years. (Probably not).

1 out of 4.

Remember Me

Remember Me?

What have YOU done lately for me to remember, huh? Okay, one of you I guess was in Lost awhile ago. Went all crazy, had a baby. Then had some small pointless role in Once Upon A Time. So I can only really remember you from TV shows.

The other one? Well, you were just in Cosmopolis, and who knows what happened in that movie. You also gave Water To Elephants and kind of went passive Vampire for five movies.

Seriously. Not much to remember.

Cedric
Oh wait. No. I will always remember you, Cedric Diggory.

The movie begins in 1991. A little girl, and her mom, waiting for a train in NYC. Muggers. Mom gets shot. Daughter is sad. Her dad was on the job, and could not save them.

FLASHFORWARD TEN YEARS LATER.

Ally Craig (Emilie de Ravin) is still living with her dad, Neil (Chris Cooper), who has been a NYC cop this whole time. There is some guilt there, I bet.

Meanwhile, at a different part of town, Tyler (Robert Pattinson) has moved out of his parents home. His parents are divorced. His dad, Charles (Pierce Brosnan), works in some really big building/workplace in NYC, is super rich, but has no time for his family. That is why he and the mom (Ruby Jerins, who really isn’t in this movie much), got divorced. Also, because one of their sons ended up killing themselves. Eek. Now Charles is ignoring his youngest child, a daughter, and it really pisses off Tyler.

Two attractive people in broken homes in 2001. Of course they meet each other. Well, only because Tyler gets arrested by Neil, over a silly dispute. Tyler and his friend hate Neil now, so the friend finds out he has a daughter. So Tyler should totally go out with her, sex her up, and break her heart. That will show that lame cop. Yeah. Yeah.

But love, though. Love.

Couple
See? Love.

I reviewed this movie on purpose today, and I think I left enough hints. So if you missed them, you probably were skim reading and not paying attention to details. Probably not even a scientist! Either way, by now, you might realize something that happens in this film.

In fact, that something is basically the ending. Like a secret twist, that they were hinting at throughout.

Overall? I thought it was kind of lame, the ending. The event happens, they decide to not show any of it, and then we flash forward a year or so, to watch how all of the characters lives have changed in the meantime. It felt almost like a copout to me. I wanted more, damn it.

The rest of the film before hand I didn’t think was that bad. Sure, I didn’t feel too sorry for either characters situation. Neither actor really fit the role they were given, in my mind, so it was hard to believe.

But I did like the acting. Actually, I thought Robert Pattinson did incredible in this movie. Better acting from him than any other movie I have seen him in, and I have now seen NINE of them. Nine fucking movies with Robert Pattinson, holy shit. This is his top one. I think he had top notch emotions and really felt his anger over his father and family, despite not believing his role on its own.

Yeah, I don’t get it either. So unfortunately, despite his great acting, I probably will not remember him for this movie, because his other roles are just too gosh darn famous. But I’d say overall, it is okay on its own, if not a little bit slow. Sorry for ruining the ending. But not really.

2 out of 4.

Smiley

Watching random horror films is almost my go to now. Since I am so far behind, I look for one with a shitty or silly cover, and just go for it.

Smiley? That shit creeped me out. Dude has some sort of skin face, with eyes and a smile face stitched in, no real other features.

What is more surprising, regardless, is that the director of this film is Michael J. Gallagher, who you haven’t heard of. Why? Because as of Sept 1, 2013, he is only 24 years old, directing Smiley when he was 22/23. He has been directing shorts and other things since 2005, when he was 16, so the dude knows what he wants. It is just strange to see a movie at all directed by someone younger than 40, more or less. Kevin Smith directed Clerks when he was only 24, and look what happened to him. Can this guy be the next K. Smith?

Killer
That smile is like, mocking me. Go away creeper.

Trololololololol.

This movie takes place in a super modern world, where teenagers and college kids actually know about the internet. They have 4chan, Reddit, Anonymous hacker group and all of that shit. They also have a strange version of Chat Roulette. Okay, it is identical yo Chat Roulette minus the name. However, there is an urban legend going around that there is a dark entity that can kill people over video chat if you summon him.

“HOW DO YOU SUMMON HIM?” you ask, quite loudly. Well, you just have to type in the magic phrase three times.

“WHAT IS THE MAGIC PHRASE?” stop yelling.

I did it for the lulz.
I did it for the lulz.
I did it for the lulz.

Yeah. I am serious, this is true for the movie. You also have to want the person to die, it won’t work if you don’t believe. But when some college kids start testing its limits, they begin to freak out when they realize that Smiley knows what they look like, as he can see them through the other webcam. What if, after he kills for you, he eventually comes for you?

Starring Caitlin Gerard as our heroine, Melanie Papalia, Shane Dawson, and Andrew James Allen as other college kids, Keith David and Toby Turner as cops, and Roger Bart as an ethics professor.

Wait. Roger Bart? That dude. He was the singing voice of Young Hercules in Hercules. Weird as fuck.

I did your mom for the lulz
I did your mom for the lulz.

Smiley is beyond ridiculous. You can tell from my description I hope. A young director does mean we get to see a movie about things that teens and college people know about today, so that was interesting.

The ending featured a twist I can say I didn’t see coming, but I loved, even if it didn’t really make sense. What they were trying to get at was pretty cool, and the implications of it in the real world can be felt. Sorry, trying to not give away the twist, but I am just sounding like a Vague Valerie.

Shit, just watch it maybe. Or let me spoil it for you. Or look it up. Either way, kind of a shitty movie, but it was a bit entertaining.

2 out of 4.

Riddick

Vin Diesel is living out every stereotypical nerds dream. Most people know by now that he loves roleplaying. No, not just acting in a movie, but pen, paper, and dice. Heck, he wrote the forward to a book celebrating 30 years of Dungeons & Dragons. So the Riddick character is basically living out his childhood fantasies, with him as the star, and kicking major butt the entire time.

The movie Riddick, follows Pitch Black and The Chronicles of Riddick, while switching genres once again. The first film was Sci-Fi Horror, the second film was Sci-Fi Action Adventure, and this new film is Sci-Fi Action Thriller. Basically a cross breed.

This third project was over nine years in the making, and has gone through financial woes and rewrite after rewrite. Diesel had to put up millions of his own money just to keep filming when the cash ran out and also leveraged his own house. Let’s just say, he really loves the Riddick character, and is willing to put all of his eggs in one basket.

Chains
Take these shackles off my feet so I can dance.

Another day, another fight for survival.

Riddick (Diesel) finds himself trapped again on a desolate and unforgiving planet, stranded and alone. Left for dead, the Necromongers betrayed their new leader after the events of the second film, and Riddick has no idea how he is going to get off the world. He soon learns to adapt on this new planet, figuring out the meanest creatures and their weaknesses, while also taking in a pet of his own.

But a storm is on the horizon. A literal storm, I mean. It is slow moving, but the water appears to awaken a force buried in the ground, one that he cannot survive on his own.

So he decides to lay a trap. He lets the universe know where he is hiding, so he can ambush the crew and take a ship before it is too late. However, two bounty ships appear, both with very different motives behind them. One ship is lead by Santana (Jordi Molla) with six men (including Dave Bautista), looking for the bounty. The other crew is lead by Johns (Matt Nable) and second in command Dahl (Katee Sackoff), and they are looking for answers.

Panorama
Dude. Who gave him a cape?

The Riddick movie has two main acts associated with it. The first is his survival on a new planet, with little dialogue (but some voice over). It moves at a slow pace to really make us feel for his character. The second act introduces a variety of characters who bring with them guns, dialogue, and opposite motives for capturing Riddick.

Although the film attempts to give a few of them personalities, the only two bounty hunters who end up standing out are the leaders from both sides. I did get some chuckles out of Bautista, but I knew that was his sole purpose in the film.

I’d say I liked the first half a lot more than the second half. They took their time with combat and death felt like it was actually possible. The action became choppier and less scary when they introduce darkness and guns. Strange, I know. They probably had to rush filming the ending, along with the budget concerns, so that must be to blame.

On its own, I found the movie possibly more entertaining than the other two films in the franchise, but there is one drastic problem with it that cannot be overlooked, and something I don’t think I have harped on before.

Riddick has so much rampant sexism in it, that I almost got sick during the actual movie. That’s right, the excessive gore didn’t sicken me, just the Riddick-ulous amount of sexism.

There is only one woman character in the film who is given a name, and her name is Dahl. You might have realized on your own that it is pronounced just like Doll. I’d say over 90% of the lines said by her, or said to her, are sexual in nature. Literally, the character exists merely as a sex object. Sure, she is able to hold her own in combat, but she is also the only character to be given a small (and surprising) shower scene. With only one topic coming out of her mouth, it is hard to take any part of her role in the film seriously.

Her character also is a lesbian, because that is apparently the only reason she would be a mercenary and always talk about sex. However, it turns out her sexual orientation is no match for Riddick’s charm (And hornyness after being on a planet alone for a few years). Who does Vin Diesel think he is, Ben Affleck? (Affleck “turned a lesbian straight” in two films, Chasing Amy and Gigli).

I think if her character was more than some strange sexual fantasy, this movie could have been a lot better. The “brown filter” I thought would annoy me, but I was able to get over it. The not so amazing CGI I thought would annoy me, but I got over it. The rushed second half and treatment of women I really just can’t forgive or ignore.

 

2 out of 4.

Empire State

Empire State‘s cover looks like your generic action movie with no substance. Maybe that is why it went straight to DVD?

That’s not nice. I know plenty of straight to DVD movies I have enjoyed watching. I have nothing else exciting to say before the plot outline. 🙁

Mike
I will note that only one of these two gents made it to the DVD cover. Behold, the two main stars.

Chris Potamitis (Liam Hemsworth) wants to do good in his life. He really does. But life just keeps screwing him over. His dad gets canned after a long career, and the bills are piling up. He wants to be a cop, but he fails that test because he was arrested a few years ago for pot at a concert with his friend, Eddie (Michael Angarano). Shit. A one time mistake, and it has cost him.

So instead he is able to get a job at the Empire State Armored Truck Company. Kind of like being a cop. He gets a gun and a uniform at least. He just drives around collecting and storing money. Turns out, this company is chill as shit. No one cares, it is very slack. They don’t even count the money at the end of the day, they just stack them on crates between transfers. He is pretty sure people are skimming money off the top. The security cameras don’t even face the money!

Maybe he should take some money. The company itself is pretty scummy as well…

Dwayne Johnson plays a cop who is sent as the lead investigator for the post robbery. Emma Roberts isn’t really in this movie at all. She is like, a sister, or something, and in two small scenes maybe. Yet full cover treatment. Gotta love that stuff.

No. Fuck that. That is stupid. The cover shows Hemsworth, The Rock, and Roberts on the cover. They don’t show Angarano, the other male lead. They show Emma Roberts and she isn’t really in the movie. She has top billing on IMDB, and Michael Angarano has sixth. They put two other random people over him too. What the fucking fuck?

Rock
Shit, even the Rock barely looks like himself in this movie. Hiding in plain sight?

This sack of shit is based on a true story. Biggest cash heist in American history or something. Wasn’t really successful, because obviously they eventually got caught.

Somehow, they were able to take this story and give us one of the most boring action movies I have seen in recent memory. I know, I say action movies are boring a lot. But this one barely had any action in it at all. Everything after they took the money just had me falling asleep. Oh no, cops and mob people are mad at them. Oh well.

Watching Liam Hemsworth get beat up a lot I guess sort of redeemed it. A little bit.

But this film had scummy advertising, bad plot and action, and just overall felt very insulting to call it a movie. Sure, it was a movie. But barely.

0 out of 4.

Vamps

I don’t even remember why I first heard about Vamps. I think I heard it coming out to theaters, it never did, I was “sad”, then I moved on with my life as a normal human being.

But after watching Vamp U, I was trying to think of other shitty vampire movies. Holy crap, there is a lot of shitty vampire movie. Not even counting the Twilight Parodies, like Vampires Suck.

Thankfully I remembered it existed, and was able to rent it for like, a quarter or something. No one gave a fuck about this movie. I got the title though. Presumably, it is supposed to make you think of the word Tramps. If not, whoops, I am an asshole.

Club
Well, you know. If the shoe fits.

Goody (Alicia Silverstone) and Stacy (Krysten Ritter) are two vampires living the high life in New York City. They love going tot he clubs, and spending their nights living it up. Why not, they are both roughly 20 year old girls, just looking for fun?

Well, Goody was bit in the 1800s by Cisserus (Sigourney Weaver), who later bite Stacy in the late 1980s. Big difference. But Goody doesn’t want it to be weird, so doesn’t tell Stacy that fact. They consider themselves to be ELFs, or Eternal Life Forms, vampire is tacky. They also don’t feed on human blood, it is not pleasant. Rat blood will do.

Goody gets worried when she finds out that if their creator ever dies, then they will revert back to their real age. Not a big deal for Stacy, but for Goody, that would end her life. Shit. This only matters because a Dr. Van Helsing (Wallace Shawn) is in town specifically to look for Cisserus. Shit.

To make matters worse, Stacy has fallen in love with a guy in her night class, Joey. JOEY VAN HELSING (Dan Stevens). He also may have made her pregnant. I won’t go into that.

Malcolm McDowell and Justin Kirk also play some pretty important vampires. Richard Lewis plays an ex lover of Goody’s from the 1960s who has returned into her life. Extra weird.

Awake
“Night, bitch. Let’s get some sausage. Blood sausage. And penis.”

Huh, this was directed and written by Amy Heckerling who brought us Clueless. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. That explains Silverstone and Shawn in the film, I guess.

I will say that the movie got better as time went on, up until the end. The beginning was shit right off the back, but eventually it found its footing. It is a shame the ending was just super tacky and not really exciting in any way.

The film is meant to be comedic, but everything basically falls flat. They go for the easy puns and small references, but nothing is able to stick.

Finally, the acting is just ugh. Ugh and a half. I strive for descriptive descriptions here. Krysten Ritter might be one of the worst actresses out there today. Stop giving her roles. They are bad.

Join me next week, when I somehow find another shitty vampire movie to get disgruntled over.

1 out of 4.

The Iceman

A ha, my first review of a movie that has been guest reviewed! Here I am, following up someone else’s opinion, on my website. Not even mad. I try not to read opinions about film before I write my own, so obviously, my review of The Iceman breaks that creed unfortunately. If you want to read their review of The Iceman, click that link I just linked.

Gun
The flipped across the vertical line version of this picture exists on the internet. I…I don’t know which one is real.

The Iceman tells the true story of Richard Kuklinski (Michael Shannon), a famed Polish man who killed over 100 men as a contract killer in NYC. He was arrested in 1986, much to the surprise of his friends and family who did not know he was leading a double life for so many years to provide for his loved ones. Well, not his brother (Stephen Dorff), he was a dick and in prison already. For killing a man. What a criminal.

Of course, he didn’t start as a contract killer. He had a small time job, and came from humble beginnings. He met his future wife (Winona Ryder), and somehow charmed her into marriage, and had two kids. But when he accidentally fails the wrong customer, Roy Demeo (Ray Liotta), he has to repay a debt and does so through a nice assassination or two, which come with nice bonuses.

Eventually, his lives start to collide, as he is forced to work with a rival contract killer, Mr. Freezy (Chris Evans), and work amongst all the mob bosses in the city. The film begins and ends with his confession on the witness stand, and a whole shit ton of remorse. Kind of. Also, James Franco plays a small role who totally dies, and David Schwimmer awkwardly a mob man, and he freaks me out.

Cream
The Iceman Cream.

Michael Shannon has been a good actor for sometime. He was arguably the best parts of Man of Steel and Premium Rush, so it is nice to see him again in a leading role like this one. He knocked it out of the park, going completely in character, and nothing like his other recent roles. Dude knows how to act, yo.

In the early 90s, HBO released a documentary on the subject, called The Iceman Tapes: Conversations with a Killer, with actual dialogue with Richard. Presumably this fictionalized version was made to tell the twisted story after his death in 2005. I haven’t seen it, but I think it is on youtube, and I really kind of want to now.

A lot of the assassinations they show are generally really well done, with lots of planing/details gone in to making sure they are perfect.

By basing this movie on a true story, it adds an extra layer of chill as you watch it, knowing that it isn’t just another mob movie starring Ray Liotta. The ending is especially the most chilling aspect of the film, his final courtroom plead and communication with his family. You felt sorry for the guy, even though he killed hundreds of people. Shit, that is rough.

Definitely a movie I’d recommend as well. Even if you have to see David Schwimmer’s goofy face.

3 out of 4.

Getaway

Arguably, this has been a great summer for Ethan Hawke.

In a few weeks, he was seen in two completely different movies. The first was The Purge, which doubled its budget in earnings and was a surprise early horror hit. The second was Before Midnight, the end of an eighteen year long trilogy, which featured some of the best acting I have seen all year. If that one isn’t nominated for awards, I will burn something.

I’d like to think he got greedy though. Why not add an action movie, Getaway, to his summer releases? Then the only thing he is missing is a comedy! This is what happens when you fly too close to the sun, Ethan. Tisk tisk.

Hawke
Tisk motherfucking tisk.
The movie starts right away with our “hero” walking into a home in complete disarray. The Christmas tree is in shambles! Brent (Hawke) receives a phone call from an unknown number on his wife’s phone (Rebecca Budig), who of course is now missing.

The phoneman tells him to steal a modified Shelby Mustang Super Snake (cool name car, I will admit) and await further instructions. If he gets caught by the police, his wife will die. If he disobeys his instructions, his wife will die. Basically, Brent is The Voice’s (Jon Voight) slave now.

During his tasks, The Girl (Selena Gomez) tries to steal the car from him with a gun! No, she isn’t actually playing a thug from the streets, like the trailer implies. She is just a rich girl, who also is really good at technology, and claims the car belongs to her. Brent has to keep her in the car, to help with the tasks at hand. Or at least, that is what The Voice tells him. Can this former NASCAR driver turned regular Joe Schmo save his wife? CAN HE!?

Gomez
The exact moment in the trailer when you knew this movie would suck. Never before has it been so easily captured!
I will try to be fair and start with the positives of this pile of excrement.

If anything, you can argue that this film offers nonstop action. As an action movie, that is something most can only dream about.

Unfortunately, that level of action is also one of the weakest aspects of Getaway. Car chases and crashes are fine, but to amp up the action, the director, Courtney Soloman, decided to try out a thousand different camera angles.

We have views of faces, of the car, from above, from the clutch, from the breaks, from security cameras, from the cameras in the car. Flash flash flash flash. This movie may induce seizures with how fast the camera angle changes constantly. I can tell you I developed a headache watching this movie, and one of the main reasons is the constant ADHD feeling of the camera.

Honestly, we only need to see him slam down on his break and change gears so many times during a single movie, not every single time he does it.

The other headache inducing parts of the film have to come from the very weak plot and acting. I am not saying Gomez and Hawke are bad at acting normally, just they are in this movie. It can only be blamed on the script and directing. I won’t even talk about the plot, it is just so unimportant and silly.

The ending leaves a lot to be desired as well. It technically gives us some sort of closure, while also kind of feeling like a kick in the metaphorical nuts.

Courtney Soloman has only directed two other movies. I haven’t seen An American Haunting, so I cannot comment on it, but thirteen years ago he directed Dungeons & Dragons which was a slap in the face for an entire culture with its level of badness. It is sad to see that after thirteen years, he has might have actually regressed in his directorial abilities.

0 out of 4.

One Direction: This Is Us 3D

Since 2009, we have been blessed as a culture and as a nation to receive a summer concert movie every year. In 3D, no less!

At first we were given the Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience. Unfortunately, I can’t think of a single song I have ever heard from them, so I never even considered watching it. This one confuses me the most.

Then we were given Kenny Chesney: Summer In 3D, which is the only country artist to be given this treatment. I guess they were experimenting early on.

In 2011, we received the mac daddy of concert movies, as they kicked it up a notch with Justin Bieber: Never Say Never. If anything, we learned a valuable life lesson from his title alone.

In 2012, I can honestly say we were given the best 3D Concert movie yet, Katy Perry: Part Of Me. I laughed, I cried, I was entertained. I even became more of a fan.

Now, in the year the Mayans could not predict, we are given One Direction: This Is Us, a foreign band who I really don’t know anything about. From my research, these concert movies have been getting better and better each year, so I expect this one to make the most noise and win all of the awards.

Zane focus
They are in order of most important to least important.
“Oh my god, a boy!” These are not the words I expected to hear when I entered the theater a few minutes before the movie began. What I saw was one entire row full of middle school girls. They quickly informed me that they didn’t know each other, and were all fans who just met. There was also one mom sitting behind them already asleep.

“Hey, who is YOUR favorite?!” Well, crap, I am not at all prepared for this! I make up a lie, and try to go back to blending in, but that is practically impossible. It ended up being 19 middle school girls, 1 mom, and a neck beard movie reviewer.  Apparently I was not the target demographic?

“Hey, you don’t care if we scream and yell during the movie right?”

Go ahead. Go crazy.

3D has really made leaps and bounds since Avatar, but little did I know that they would go to these lengths to improve the overall concert experience. From what I can tell, they decided to put a row of screaming middle school girls in every 3D showing of One Direction: This Is Us. What better way to enjoy the songs, than with a gaggle of girls singing and screaming every time a member of the band removes his shirt? What I really wonder is how they are going to include this feature with the eventual Blu-Ray 3D release?

Regular Group
Actual shot from the movie. No one is shirtless, for your dissatisfaction.
One Direction is made up of five boys from the United Kingdom, who all auditioned for The X-Factor, and they decided to put them into a boy band! Plucked by Simon Cowell personally, NiallZaynHarryLiam, and Louis became an overnight sensation that rocked their island, then the world. They didn’t win The X-Factor, but that didn’t matter.

In this movie you get to hear a big selection of their catalog performed live and on stage for your enjoyment, while also hearing a few numbers acoustically while they practice. I will note, the 3D used during these concerts were incredibly well done, and high quality. You also get to see them with their families from their small home towns, superimposed with them wandering Europe, Asia, and more.

One Direction: This Is Us is definitely not the best 3D Summer Concert movie I have found, just the second best. Katy Perry made me cry, after all. Given the screaming girl fan base, I don’t see this movie bombing in any way, as it probably only took $10 million to make. As the great Drake once said, as long as the outcome is income, na’mean?

To answer your question little girl, I guess my favorite One Directioner is Zayn. He clearly has the most talent singing wise. I would follow that up with Niall, just because I feel bad for him. He has a strange name, doesn’t get to sing as much, and is (probably) the only one that can play guitar. Poor Niall.

Now if you will excuse me, I need to go back to youtubing all of their songs.

 

2 out of 4.

The Lords Of Salem

Shit, this movie came out in like, May or so to theaters. Just didn’t come out where I was living in a 60 mile radius. Why not? It is an independent Rob Zombie horror movie. I thought people loved Rob Zombie stuff?

Either way, I found out like a month later The Lords of Salem was already out in Europe or VOD or something, so I quickly bought it and forgot it. A few months later, oh yeah.

I slack so hard some times.

Women
See, even these old bitches love Rob Zombie.

Heidi Hawthorne (Sheri Moon Zombie, wife of Rob) is a local radio DJ in the town of Salem. She is a cohost of the most popular segment in town, along with her friends Whitey (Jeff Daniel Phillips) and Munster (Ken Foree). She personally receives a package in the mail from The Lords. It is a band they never heard of, but they listen to it anyway, and it sort of fucks with Heidi a lot.

So sure, why not play it on the radio? It is a strange eerie tribal chant like noise, with no actual lyrics, just noise. Pretty metal, in that regard. Their guest on the radio that night is Francis Matthias (Bruce Davison), a man who researches the Salem Witch Trials. He really finds the track they play unnerving, and the band name itself, so he goes on a research binge as the side story. The music itself causes all of the women in town who hear it to go into a trance like state. Very odd.

Anyways, long story short. Witches yo. Curses yo. They cursed Hawthorne’s bloodline, claiming it will eventually bring Satan into the world, and the witches will return and take over. Can they do it?! Judy Geeson, Meg Foster, Patricia Quinn all play witches.

What?
My mind is all sorts of wat right now.

Well, this is a weird movie. I haven’t seen any of the other Rob Zombie horror movies, so I can’t tell you if this is weirder than them or not. But it has to be weirder than Halloween. How could have made that one super weird?

I HATE the song by The Lords of Salem so much. It really grinds to the bone, which I guess is the goal. It is just a horrible sound, and I find it hard to believe they would have ever played it on the radio in the first place.

I wouldn’t say the acting is bad in this movie, it is just not an important part to the movie. It isn’t bad acting, it just isn’t good either.

As a certified coward, I can say this movie didn’t scare me in the slightest, just made me feel all sorts of weird. There was very vivid imagery, with low levels of special effects that made the whole thing look cheesy. Grotesque imagery is not what this movie was advertised as, and I was just left mostly confused. No, not of the plot, but confused at why I watched the whole thing.

The ending also is pretty lackluster, not really ending the story, but almost feeling like a strange 10 minute Jazz Fusion set in the middle of a rock concert. What in the what?

1 out of 4.