Gorgon Reviews

Yeah. We got a movie called Humans Versus Zombies.

Yeah, it was inspired by the live action game played on college campuses around the (world?) US.

Yeah, it was low budget and went straight to DVD. Well then, shall we?

But they know their audience. Bring on the nerd jokes!

This movie takes place, surprisingly, around a nondescript university. Something else nondescript happens in the world, and some homeless people might end up biting some people. But that doesn’t matter. Because it is Humans vs Zombies week at this university.

Cool, they can use nerf guns too! Our movie opens up with some rule disputes, but they are pretty pathetic.

Well, actual zombies start to appear, much to our main characters surprise. Who to we have? Random hot party girl Amanda (Melissa Carnell) who normally wouldn’t hang out with these guys. Virgin nerd who predicted zombies first and plays MMOs Danny (Jonah Priour), and he likes Amanda. Internet gamer girl who has a webcam show about games, causing nerds to send her free shit, Tommi (Dora Madison Burge). A jock-ish guy who actually likes her and her show, James (Jesse Ferraro). Dude who really fucking loves killing zombies and this whole thing, Brad (Chip Joslin). And of course, war vet turned campus security guard who is really good at killing zombies, Frank (Frederic Doss).

Yeah, fuck you, you just get humans, no zombies.

Ho hum. Well, like most low budget comedies with some horror elements, this one failed to entertain for long. To be fair, it had its moments, namely from the “nerdy virgin” character. One area, near the end, he developed a huge strategy for getting his group out of the hardware store to a more safe location using knowledge he learned from MMORPGs. They had a tank, DPS, healer, range, and wild card. Alright, the Wild Card might be more of a It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia reference. But still.

But one interesting scene does not fix the bunch. Most of it is so low budget feeling, the zombies are never scary, just ridiculous.

Having the college game component was such a non important addition to the film, this could have been any generic bad zombie movie. It maybe mattered for only five or so minutes, and used it as an easy way to introduce extra characters. That is it.

The ending almost left it open ending, so I also maybe got a laugh of it’s last minute decision to bring closure.

Basically, this movie has more in common with a shitty B movie straight horror movie trying to make money with sex and gore. They have some sex parts in it, and some gore, but not much of either. Definitely not with Dora Madison Burge. To see that, you’d have to watch season eight of Dexter. But then you’d have to watch season eight of Dexter. Not worth it, yo.

Puns. Puns are an often overlooked humor tool that are wildly taken for granted. In fact, some people respond to puns with groans!

Those groaners I have to imagine would not enjoy Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs 2 which has more puns than the number of acupuncturists who also happen to be backstabbers.

I wonder how many animated dicks could fit in his mouth. For research.

CWaCoM2 takes places immediately after CWaCoM, with the town of Swallow Falls in disarray and covered with food. Flint (Bill Hader) and his friends are excited for the rebuild, but they are forced to temporarily move to San Franjose, California, while Live Corp cleans up their island…for science! After all, Live Corp is run by Chester V (Matt Forte), Flint’s hero since he was a kid and the coolest scientist ever. It is usually a good idea to let trained professionals take care of a job.

Unfortunately, the clean up isn’t going as smoothly as they had hoped. The FLDSMDFR device was not destroyed after the first film, and it has created animal food hybrids to take over the island! They are also learning how to swim, and if they do, they will spread out and attack the rest of the world! Scary!

So it is up to Flint, with the rest of his crew to save the day. Sam Sparks (Anna Faris), girlfriend and meteorologist, Tim (James Caan), father, Brent McHale (Andy Samberg), former bully and current idiot, Manny (Benjamin Bratt), jack of all trades, Earl (Terry Crews), security guard, and Steve (Neil Patrick Harris) the monkey.

We also get introduced to Barb (Kristen Schaal), the ape. The fact that she is an ape, and not a monkey, is a very important difference.

Charles V reminded me a lot of Professor Hawk from Dexter’s Laboratory.

When I saw the trailer for CWaCoM2, I knew there would be an overwhelming amount of puns, but I still somehow underestimated how many they would actually throw at the viewer. At one point, the PPM (Puns Per Minute) value had to be greater than 10. Just constant puns, one after another, with hardly any time to comprehend them all.

Personally, I think the film was a bit too short to tell the story it wanted to tell. A lot of the movie felt rushed, especially once they first got to the island. In order to appease the kid viewers, they must have moved quickly to keep their interest. That has to be the biggest negative, not giving enough time to really flesh out the island and “foodimals.”

At the same time, I was equally impressed with the film’s ability to include “background jokes.” Once I saw the first few, my eyes were constantly watching the edge of the screen and I was surprised at how often they appeared. Heck, Joe Townee from the first film was snuck into this film twice. Unfortunately he had no lines this time, because his voice actor, Will Forte, was now voicing a new major character.

This film is filled with its fair share of low brow humor jokes, but an almost equal number of intelligent-ish jokes. I guess the point I am really trying to make is that this film has a lot of jokes, and they vary across the whole spectrum (outside of the adult themed joke territory). Despite the new writers and directors, I think it is a very worthy sequel to this franchise, and I would definitely watch a third one should it ever get made.

Don Jon is the first film written and directed by everyone’s favorite boyfaced actor. After having a few very strong years (Inception, 50/50, The Dark Knight Rises and Looper), Joseph Gordon-Levitt took a long break in order to work on this pet project of his.

Of course based on the character of Don Juan, JGL is hoping to add a very unique, and potentially controversial, spin to the tale.

JGL wrote this movie just to have movie sex with ScarJo a lot. Fact.

Jon (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) is a charismatic twenty something Jersey Boy. Jon is nicknamed the Don by his friends (Jeremy Luke, Rob Brown) for his ability to bring a woman home every weekend. Not average woman either, but 8s, 9s, and even 10s. He only cares about a few things in life: his body, his pad, his ride, his family, his church, his boys, his girls, and his porn.

What? His porn? Yep, turns out Jon has a little addiction going on.

Why does he like porn so much if he can always get “the real thing” in person? Well, that seems to be the million dollar question in this film. Jon just finds the real thing a bit disappointing compared to what he can find quickly on the internet. It is as if the women in these films aren’t like women in the real world.

That is, until he meets Barbara (Scarlett Johansson), the woman of his dreams, a perfect 10. He is willing to change for her too. Take her on actual dates, stop the playboy lifestyle, start taking night classes, you name it. But can he give up porn? Is she the one? She definitely disapproves of the practice, because she grew up sheltered and doesn’t accept that “everyone does it!”

Jon’s family (Tony Danza, Glenne Headly, Brie Larson) are both very supportive and destructive in his life, but he still cares about them as well. He also meets Esther (Julianne Moore), a strange older woman in his night class who has sage advice and is way too nosy about what he watches on his phone.

Hold me closer, Tony Danza.

Watching “Don Jon,” I bet Joseph is tired of being associated with the movies and TV shows he did when he was younger. That is probably he chose to write and direct a movie with such an intense subject matter. In America, it is pretty easy for a woman child star to break away from those chains, and it happens pretty often (and each time it is met with outrage) but it is practically impossible for a guy. I think we found it, folks.

What I am most impressed with for this movie is its sense of realism, especially amongst his family. The dialogue and arguments he faced with his father (Tony Danza, excellent in this role) and mother were just so natural, I feel as if they’ve known each other for years. All of my favorite scenes came in their household.

I will admit, I did find the subject matter very awkward to watch with a bunch of strangers in a dark crowded theater. I understand why a few people left early on, with a lot of scenes taken directly from Pornhub. . Scarlett Johnsson, despite being in a role I hated, definitely acted in a way I have never seen her in before, which was both exciting and frightening at the same time.

“Don Jon” also had a pretty unique ending. Joseph took it in a way no one would expect from the trailers. Despite being unique, I couldn’t call it fantastic or terrible, just an overwhelming meh. It definitely could have been better.

Overall, I’d say “Don Jon” is worth watching for a few reasons: the topic itself can lead to interesting discussions amongst your friends and loved ones, the sound “advice” it eventually churns out, and the great acting amongst the leads. Besides, when is the last time you saw Tony Danza in anything relevant?

A lot of buzz over the documentary Blackfish. What have I heard? So many people who have seen this documentary have swore off ever going to Sea World again for the rest of their life.

Shit, a film attacking Sea World? This might be interesting. Or sad. Crap, it is probably going to be sad.

I don’t really know what to do for pictures here. Here is an Orca!

The TL;DR version, Blackfish looks at Sea World and two other sea themed areas, and their track records with the Killer Whale. They never really call them Orcas at all, always Killer Whale. Probably intentional.

Now, I figured this would clearly be about the mistreating of these Orcas in captivity, bad conditions, whatever. Turns out, no, it is about the Orcas hurting humans and Sea World not giving a shit. Oh okay, less powerful subject. After all, I am fairly confident I will go throughout my life without getting eaten by an Orca. I will just not try to train them or hang out with them in the wild. I ain’t trying to get fed to water mammals.

This is basically the story of Tilikum, a famous Sea World male Orca. He was captured young, went to a place called Sea Land with two bigger females who pushed him around when he was in shitty conditions at night. Cramped quarters. Eventually he lashed out at an employee, Sea Land was shut down, and he was sold to Sea World.

He then attacked more people, killing them, including a case in 2010 that is still being fought in the courts. The courts rules that Sea World can no longer let trainers play on or with Orcas, but must always be behind a barrier of some sort, which Sea World is trying to fight. They claim that it is all trailer error, not aggressive animals. This documentary claims otherwise.

They are not saying Orcas are normally aggressive, as no human has been a victim in the wild (probably because they live all fucking cold climates where no humans live), but they are only aggressive because of being trapped in tanks, and not getting rewards too often for good behavior.

Ah. So that is the documentary. Multiple trainers have lost their lives, and some have had close calls. The documentary also pointed out that over 50% of Orcas that Sea World currently own are the result of the spawn of Tilikum, and that is bad. I think that is most of the movie.

Yep, still drawing a blank. TWO ORCAS.

You know what sucks? Dying to animal. We should be on top of the food chain. We lose it a bit when we enter the water though.

Know what sucks more? Your company then blaming you for your own death, and not the animal. Shit, if a dog bites someone, unfortunately, they might get put down. But if a whale does it, then it is apparently okay.

But do we need a whole documentary telling us the Sea World executives are assholes? Not really. This film is less than 90 minutes, with lots of testimonials from former employees, or people who were there when victims lost their lives, and that was disturbing to hear. But the movie just made me dislike Orcas more so than Sea World, really. Maybe we can give them bigger environments to live in?

I am definitely not anti-zoo, because the zoos where animals are in small cages really don’t exist anymore. They give them natural habitats and they increase public awareness of these animals, and are great educational tools. So is Sea World in that regard. I don’t think people should be dying if they get assigned Orca duty though. So the court made them stop, end of story, we should be good, right? Seems almost like it is unnecessary now, because the court already ruled against Sea World. This documentary literally brings up a problem, and also has it solved by the end, so I really don’t understand the point.

The point that they should be freed? Maybe. But I don’t trust you documentary. The fact that over half of the Orcas are now the spawn of Tilikum means jack shit. Aggression is not something attached to genes and passed on to children, so the point is really mute.

Hey Sea World. Don’t let your employees die. Treat your stuff a little better. No I am not boycotting. If I move to Texas, you know damn well I am going to get my seal on.

I can say with most certainty, that two months ago, I definitely had no urge to watch Stomp The Yard in my life. Ever. I forgot it existed, and my life was fine with that. But then two things happened.

1) One of my students said it was their favorite movie. Out of 48, only 5 students picked a movie that I hadn’t seen before, and that was one of them. Grrr… Kind of have to watch it now.

2) I saw Battle of the Year, made a joke about this movie, and realized I should hurry up and watch it.

I am not expecting really anything, some sort of college dance movie. Let’s do it. I mean, shit, I liked Drumline.

Hey, at least we have people doing flips. Like a cheerleading movie!

DJ (Columbus Short) and his brother Duron (Chris Brown) used to be street battlers. They had a crew who would battle other crews in clubs for cash. They also used to be alive.

After the battle at the beginning, they go cocky and accept a double or nothing offer. They win, pissing off the local crew even more, who want revenge. In the fisticuffs, Duron is stabbed and killed (Yes, Chris Brown dies). Well, that kind of puts a damper on things, so DJ quits the crew, moves out of LA and into Atlanta to live with his Aunt and Uncle (Harry Lennix, Valarie Pettiford), who got him into Truth University.

He gets a roommate, Rich Brown (Ne-Yo), and a new group of friends, but he doesn’t care about anyone. He just misses his brother.

Anyways, long story short, Truth University has two fraternities who are on top and great at stepping, both making it to the nationals every year. Unfortunately, one of them has won seven years in a row, and the other always comes up short. Guess who DJ ends up choosing? Well, after he is convinced that stepping isn’t just some pussy dance stuff.

He picks the underdogs, lead by Sylvester (Brian White), mostly because the girl he wants, April (Meagan Good), is dating Grant (Darrin Dewitt Henson), second in command of the other frat, and a total douche.

Then dance movie stuff happens, predictable plot turns like his past coming back to haunt him. You know. Normal stuff. Jermaine Williams is also in this movie, with a face that looks like I have seen him everywhere, but basically just in Fat Albert.

This movie is about step team dancing and colleges. Holy shit, why did no one tell me about this before?

I love watching step teams perform. Going to college in NC, I was actually able to see fraternities do this kind of stuff live. Probably not the high quality presented in this film, but it is still cool to see live. Honestly, only mainly black fraternities do this, so if you don’t live at a place with them, you won’t really know much about them. There are zero step teams in Iowa, for example. Just a guess.

As it is a dance movie, I must judge its dancing. Early on, when they were battling? That first part of the movie was horrible, a mess. The camera was all shaky, you couldn’t tell what was going on, just ugly. When they started stepping? Hell yeah. It got good then. But it could have been a lot better. The camera shouldn’t cut away as much, because part of it is watching the unison and everyone working together.

The plot was predictable, and some major drama moments just came up short. The overall story wasn’t too original. Pretty typical of a similar sports movie, about a kid getting off the streets. So there are no bonus points for the story. Only bonus points for the really fun dancing to watch and every once in awhile, a joke that actually made me laugh.

Well, Dexter had its series finale a week ago today and it was pretty much shit. Seriously. One of the worst series finales ever.

In honor of that, I decided to watch Quarantine for the day!

What…? Well, look at the main star, that is why. Quarantine itself is a remake of [REC], a Spanish horror movie, that has made at least four films on its own. Quarantine was only given a sequel, and that one has nothing to do with the rest of the [REC] films. So it must be lamer.

Quarantine is also famous for being a horror film that decided to spoil the ending in basically every format possible. The trailer, the tv spots, the poster, the dvd film cover. Every single way. Later The Apparition decided to try this method too, but no one watched The Apparition.

Oh, and I have decided to spoil that ending here as well. Because fuck it.

Angela Vidal (Jennifer Carpenter) is a news reporter, trying to make it big in the world, but stuck so far with side stories. Lame. Like tonight, she is doing a piece on firefighters. I guess it is a fluff piece, because she is just sent to interview the workers, and hopefully follow them on a fire or two, that would be awesome footage. Along with her cameraman (Steve Harris), they eventually get a call out to an apartment complex where there were reports from the manager that a woman has barricaded herself in her room, and she was making a lot of noise. Alright, boring issue, but sure, let’s film it.

OH SHIT WOMAN HAS GONE CRAZY AND BIT ONE OF THE COPS. Bitch has foam in her mouth! They race downstairs, the two fire fighters (Jay Hernandez, Johnathon Schaech), and the other cops to rush him to a hospital, but the apartment complex is boarded up. The fuck? They can’t get out. That doesn’t make any sense.

Apparently the apartment complex is under quarantine now, and they have no idea why. No worries, they will be out shortly, just one crazy man. A local vet who lives in the hospital, (Greg Germann), does his best to stop the bleeding.

This is still all sorts of fucked. Especially when the lady is still going crazy enough that they have to put her down. Apparently, according to the vet, her symptoms appear to be rabies which have no cure once they take over. But the affects of rabies normally take months to occur, this must me some sort of super rabies. Well shit, how did they know to quarantine off the building so quick? Who the fuck started it? How unlucky is it to be Angela?

Super Rabies. Worse than Hitler.

Oh no, a shaky came found footage movie! The end of the world! People tend to ask during these types of movies: Why the fuck are you still recording? Well, there are a few reasons here. 1) Journalistic integrity. This shit is the scoop of a lifetime. 2)That camera has night vision on it, could be helpful. 3)That camera is also the only light source once they knock out the power. So, shit is important.

So how did it do outside of ruining the ending? Well, eh, it was okay. Dramatically different ending from the [Rec] version, I have been told. That one involves religion. This one involves cults and super viruses. I guess religion trumps, since that series has more movies. Oh well, its in Spanish, don’t care.

It was kind of neat watching all the characters at the beginning of the film start out as alive, and then you know, become dead later, so you get to see tore up versions of people who we already met. In a zombie movie, most of the zombies you don’t know. In this film, each person “dies” to the virus, and then has to be killed again with the rabies. I think that made it feel a bit better.

Near the end it got pretty confusing, but I will say I was impressed with Jennifer’s scared shitless acting. Her character did feel different from Deb, and she didn’t just bust out swears every sixth word. It is an okay thriller. Things jumping out of the dark, basically every time you’d expect it. Hooray zombie rabies!

I definitely picked up Room 237 on a whim. The cover looked interesting. I was guessing it was an indie romp or some sort of hippie horror film. All of those hexagons yo. Who knows what was going on there?

Maybe indie hippie horror? Who knows.

Well, I was wrong. Room 237 is a documentary. A documentary about a movie. What movie? The Shining, of course. There are a lot of theories about this movie, it turns out, and I am about to watch a documentary going over a lot of them…

…

Yay!…

Ah, now I understand the hexagons.

Alright, so the whole movie is basically dialogue, spliced over mostly scenes from The Shining. Either randomish scenes, or scenes directly being talked about, with helpful arrows and slow motion when necessary. There are other scenes from Kubrick films too, and then a few random ass ones, but mostly The Shining. That makes sense.

The people talking? We don’t see any of them. Just hear their voices. Who are they? Mostly all random fans of The Shining, with their own forms of analysis and what they got and saw out of the film. Some of them might be actual “film experts,” hard to say, since we are just flashed their name and given their words.

So you are probably wondering what theories they had, yeah? Well, I won’t spend any time explaining them, but here are some thoughts!

The Shining is about the Slaughter of the American Indians. It is about the Holocaust. It is about sexual demons and desires, and their attractions to humans. It is about ghosts that love watching us. Someone made a map of the hotel based on the movie, and found many fake/impossible hallways/windows. That of course means something. There are parts that would generally be considered continuity error, but not in this film, because Kubrick. It could be about a minotaur and his lair. It is about the past…which past? All the past. Or its about how the moon landing was fake.

What?! Okay, that theory I have heard before, and a lot of those clues are pretty exciting.

One guy watched the movie twice at the same time. Once in forward, other in complete reverse, right on top of each other. He found apparently a lot of interesting scenes that mean a lot more, but come on. A man can’t design a movie like that.

Forward and backwards image. Pretty haunting, sure. But intentional? Ehh…

By now I bet you looked at the rating. You might be wondering why.

Well, just like I gave The Gatekeepers a low review, this one has horrible horrible horrible production quality. We don’t learn anything about the people talking, so we never get really any qualifications unless they decide to tell us. They switch between some talkers, or talkers come back later, but they expect us to remember what they said earlier in the film and who they are, without even getting to see them? JUST their voice? Shit, that is worse than The Gatekeepers.

The other main issue? It is boring as fuck. I tried to stay interested early on, but then eventually you get people with bigger axes to grind, who want to talk about everything, but none of it is in a really constructive way. Like, cool, a chair is missing between scenes. It is on purpose? Fine. Then they don’t tell me what they think it means? I can only hear the same shit so much. This movie is 100 minutes and it is insanely boring.

The same clips over and over and over again. Only hearing voices. It sure does make me feel like a dull boy…

One thing I can say about Rush going into it, is that it sure had a lot of trailers. At least three, maybe more, in theaters. They were also very long. This gave me two thoughts.

1) There are a lot of events in this film that just seem like a more serious Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby. Dude gets burned, big rivalry, one is more foreign than the other one, lots of jealousy, comeback, whatever.

2) The trailers gave…a lot away. Sure, this is a real story, but I can tell you that most people do not know this story. It is different than Lincoln, in which we all know what happens. I am afraid I know everything that happens just from the trailers, which bugs me. Could be a cool story, but I want some mystery still you know.

Besides the mystery wondering why someone with such lush hair could think about dirtying it up.

I was wrong. The trailers didn’t give a lot away, at all. Sure, some major points, but fuck, a lot happened in this film.

The movie takes place in the 1970s, roughly 70-76. In 1970, James Hunt (Chris Hemsworth) and Niki Lauda (Daniel Brühl) were both Formula 3 racers with big dreams to race in the Formula 1. Both outcasts by their family, they took different approaches to racing. James lived life every day as if it was his last, laughed in the face of danger, and burned out a lot on races. Niki was intelligent, not a risk taker, but good at driving. He was also a bit of an asshole, because he was honest, and cared most about winning.

Years later, both men were in F1 and constantly at the top of the pack, a fierce rivalry between the two, although both racers definitely respected each other.

1976 was the year when the most dramatic events occurred. Fiery crashes, a close finish for world championship, rain storms, disqualifications, you name it.

We also get some insight into their personal lives. Both had wives, James with Suzy (Olivia Wilde), Niki with Marlene (Alexandra Maria Lara). Pierfrancesco Favino played the role of a teammate of Niki’s, and he rocked the mustache well.

Our other star? No lush hair for him, so they can cover it up more.

Holy fuck. I really do mean it, a lot happened in this film and in this rivalry, and I didn’t feel like anything was really spoiled. Sure, that think that happened to Niki? That was kind of spoiled, but that was a big selling point to the movie, and they hinted about it right at the beginning.

I don’t know a lot about F1 racing, but I didn’t have to in order to enjoy this film. Major props to Ron Howard, who’s last film was The Dilemma and well, lame. I felt the fear that those riders must have felt during those difficult races. The way it was all set up really put you in the drivers seat at times. The dialogue was also really great, for both main characters, and I could hear them talk all day.

I think Daniel Brühl was the better actor of the two, putting his whole self into the role, although Chris did fantastic as well. Doing research, I was even more shocked to find out that Brühl was the main character in Good Bye Lenin!, one of the few German movies I own over ten years ago. The film was very graphic when it came to the crashes, accidents, and deaths, so when Niki got injured, it was incredibly cringetastic, yet I could not look away.

But here is the most amazing thing about this film. How close it matches the reality. These events were widely filmed in the 1970s, so I was able to actually watch a lot of the final race, of the race with the crash. I watched these soon after the film, and literally, the film filmed them EXACTLY as they happened in real life. The accident was like, frame for frame recreated the exact same way. How fucking nuts is that? Every race, I have to assume, was equally as correct and not made up. It is mind blowing that Ron Howard went into that much detail, and I am in awe of that ability.

The overall film experience is why it got the review. Sure, some parts I wish they explained better, like the different tire types, and other terminology. I had to ask a friend for some clarification, but holy fuck. Rush was an experience.

There is a serious problem happening in America. Right now! All around us! Unfortunately, most of us have closed our eyes to this problem.

We are no longer the best country at breakdancing, or “b-boying” despite the fact that we invented it. Hip-hop is losing its appeal in America, and it is sad. Grr, I hate it when we don’t win everything!

Because of these true indisputable facts, the movie Battle of the Year 3D was created. Sure, their trailer had the wrong release date until a few weeks before coming out (listing January instead of September) and looked entirely like a parody, but the director hopes to bring light to this definitely real tournament through exciting dance sequences, flashing lights, and Chris Brown.

Basically, the exact same thing he did six years ago with his documentary Planet B-Boy. (Except that one didn’t feature the internet’s most hated man.)

Step 1 to making a big movie? Cast this guy!

The movie starts off quite serious. A boardroom meeting lead by Dante Graham (Laz Alonso), a big hip-hop record executive who is worried about a decrease in sales. Why? Because no one in America cares about B-Boying anymore. Why? Because there is a big international tournament that we haven’t been able to win in 15 years (fact).

So he decides to bring in a coach this time to whip these young boys into shape. How about Jason Blake (Josh Holloway) who used to coach basketball successfully until he lost his family in an accident? Don’t worry, he isn’t some random scrub. He also used to B-Boy in the 80s with Dante.

Yeah. This will go well.

After hiring random office guy Franklyn (Josh Peck) as his assistant coach, he decides the only way to win is to get rid of the current team, and start from scratch. He wants to make a B-Boy Dream Team, the best dancers from the best crews across America. Then he will only have nine weeks to train them, make them a cohesive unit, and make very difficult cuts the entire time.

Of course during this time he has to go through almost every sports team problem in the history of sports movies. His two best dancers, Rooster (Chris Brown) and Do Knock (Jon ‘Do Knock’ Cruz) are at each others throat over a girl from years before. They have an openly gay dancer (Richard Maguire) and people who are pretty homophobic (Sawandi Wilson). They have players who sneak out at night consistently, last minute disqualifications, last minute injuries and a whole lot of ego that stands between them and the gold.

Let’s not forget the coach has a drinking problem! Crap, our hopes lie within a bunch of entitled young adults. At least they have a choreographer (Caity Lotz)? That will make a difference? Maybe?

“How do I reach these keeeeeds?“

Battle of the Year 3D is an interesting movie, in that you know the director actually cares about the subject matter, given he made the documentary a few years back. He also uses a a real event and real details. Of course the idea of the dream team crew is completely fictional, so I almost think that it is his own personal idea for bringing the gold back home.

At the same time, I feel like he also is just trying to promote his own stuff. There are many scenes in this film of the characters watching his own documentary, which one refers to as “The Bible of our culture!” Whoa now, Benson Lee, calm yourself down.

I learned that Chris Brown is actually a great dancer. Sure, I knew he was in Stomp The Yard, but who actually watched that movie? The majority of the actors in this film are actual B-Boyers so you know the dancing you get will be quality. The problem with this film is that it tries too hard to be a generic sports film instead of a dance movie.

What do want and expect out of a dance movie? Lots of dancing, of course! Unfortunately, most of the film is spent in the training, so instead of great dancing, we just get working out and small dance moves. Most of the dancing doesn’t happen until the end, leaving us only with sport cliches, and that is unacceptable. Also, the actual format of the competition means that the coolest dancing we see happen well before the finale, in the preliminary round.

A dance movie without a lot of dancing? What a mistake.

The crowd at the Battle of the Year events must be pretty bored. I think there was five shots of them throughout the film just standing around doing the wave.

Wait. This is a hip-hop competition that takes place in France, with the audience constantly doing the wave? Damn, that country is literally living 20 years in the past.

#900. Hooray. Not technically an important number, but it is 100 from 1000, which is sexy as shit.

For this milestone review marker, I have decided to tackle a movie that definitely falls outside of my time range. It came out in 2003, but was such a bomb, that I am pretty sure no one ever saw it, and it was given the Gigli treatment. The movie you know was bad before it came out, and were willing to trash it without seeing it.

I mean, I am not saying this movie didn’t warrant that treatment, for so many obvious reasons. But just how bad was From Justin To Kelly?

I mean, these two kids look like they are at least clean right?

But first, let’s make sure you all understand where this film came from. In 2002, American Idol was born. A huge sensation and hit, it captivated audiences, because it honestly brought something new. The viewer was given the power, it was live, not some just random panel of judges. Oh, and that Simon, he was a mean one.

Well, our final two contestants were Kelly Clarkson and Justin Guarini and America was left wondering who would win, who!? Well, clearly we know the winner now. Kelly Clarkson is a big star. Justin Guarini is better known as Sideshow Bob from The Simpsons. Despite that, a year later, they decided to ride their fame to the ground and release a movie that probably cost $5 to make, to make America love them even more!

They also had two announcers that year. Did you forget about Brian Dunkleman?!

No, fuck that. It is movie time.

Spring break movie time.

Unfortunately, this movie is rated PG, so any closeness to Spring Break will be missing from this film. Either way, this movie takes place almost entirely in the sun, on a beach, where people sing dance and sing some more!

Where a bro, can be a bro.

First we have our guys! Of course we have Justin, who gets to play himself, from Philly originally but now lives in the beach area. He and his bud, Brandon (Greg Siff) are working on starting a business. A party business, and what better place to start than Spring Break. They can make cash and have fun at the same time. Justin is the type who has a different woman every night, so this is just more opportunity for hot passionate hook ups!

Brandon keeps getting in trouble with the law, a hottie cop (Theresa San-Nicholas) giving him ticket after ticket. The third friend is Eddie (Brian Dietzen), who is a nerd and has been dating a girl on the INTERNET. Hah, what a creep! He plans on meeting her over the break, but he just can’t find her.

She ain’t one of these ladies, that is for sure.

Then we have our girls, straight from Texas. Our main lead is Kelly, and she is a bit shy and doesn’t get out that much, so her friends are responsible for bringing them along. Kelly isn’t really looking for anything, just a break from the mundane. One of her friends is Kaya (Anika Noni Rose), falls in love with a random bus boy, gross. Her other “friend,” Alexa (Katherine Bailess), likes to reject boys and play a tease. Ah, teenagers.

If you haven’t noticed, despite the even numbers, no, we don’t have three friends hooking up with three friends. That is good!

I really am telling a picture with these stories. Look how alone Justin is. He hasn’t found Kelly yet!

Well, eventually Justin meets Kelly, and it is love at first sight. Just kidding, then the movie would be over. But there is some interest, so Kelly gives Justin her number.

Too bad he loses it somehow! Shit, she is also complaining about whipped cream bikini contests. He is totally running one of those later in the week. Oh well, might as well lie.

Oh no, she is also dancing alone. God, why can’t they find each other and have the best love of all the times!

Well, he tries to get her number again from Alexa, who agrees, even though she is kind of interested in him too. Except she gives him her own number just to fuck with him. Alexa is a bitch.

So he is texting her for days but she will not meet up with him, despite their in person conversation. What is up with that? Kelly is left thinking that Justin is a player who didn’t really want her, just a trophy number. Neither side is having any fun. Even when they do meet, they fail to mention the lack or awkward text communication, and end up having their own real life problems. Jeez, why can’t it just work out perfectly?

Well, there is progress here. At least they are dancing near each other.

Long story short, EVERYTHING WORKS OUT FOR THE BEST. Kelly finds out Alexa is a whore. Kira gets with the bus boy who also doesn’t lose his job. Eddie makes other friends and his online girlfriend is for real! Brandon, after shenanigan after shenanigan, is able to meat the cop in her off time and she totally digs him too.

Oh, and Justin and Kelly found out they love each other or something. Time to give up those player hater days and foster this love that will totally last forever, since they live in Texas and Pennsylvania. Also, singing!

Boom. These pictures were a metaphor. And all basically the same bullshit beach.

Big cash cow organization makes a movie, and I am left wondering a few things.

1) Why the fuck did they not cast more members of the final six/eight. I know they have them all under contract, they signed most of them to deals and forced them to go on tour. They’d do anything to get their names out. Why cast even less well known people to star in the other roles. It’d make sense if they threw in a Matt Damon or someone real somehow, but this is just two formerly unknowns getting to sing and dance with a bunch of extras. That is it. How lame.

2) Half of these songs are not unique in anyway. The CD for the film didn’t even end up getting released, due to the large mass of boos and poor numbers. The only reason we know about some of them (because no one saw the movie) was their appearance on Clarkson fan sites and the main song, Timeless, appearing on Guarini’s first (and only?) album. Despite that, no one wants to hear a cover of That’s The Way (I Like It). No one. No one ever really wants to hear the real version either.

3) Where the fuck is my Ruben Studdard and Clay Aiken movie? They could have turned them into buddy cops who brought the southern soul to the streets of Memphis, or something. Fuck. I wish there was a movie for every season, especially because I’d watch them all.

The dancing was bad, the music was bad, the plot was pointless as fuck. The hate was well deserved, and we all knew it from the start. Time to go back to judging books by their covers.