Gorgon Reviews

Yay Sci-Fi movies. I hadn’t heard a lot about Transcendence, outside of seeing the trailer only once or twice. But it looked cool! Even better, it isn’t based on a book and doesn’t star Tom Cruise. I don’t hate him, he just is in a lot of Sci-Fi films lately, and I demand diversity.

And all of these white people fill my diversity quota.

Transcendence takes place in the not so distant future. Let’s say, tomorrow or so. A.I. has gone a long way in the last day, and there are many companies trying to make a self-aware computer system. The most famous of these individuals is Will Caster (Johnny Depp), who is almost a celebrity, but not one who really wants it. He just wants a happy life with his wife, Evelyn (Rebecca Hall).

But a terrorist group strikes. They don’t like this A.I. progression. They think humans need to watch out for that shit. That shit is weak, they say. So an attempt is made on Will’s life and it is basically successful. He has about four weeks left, decides to give up the A.I. research and live his life with his wife. But she says fuck that. No. She is going to put his consciousness into their A.I. system to save him. After all, brains are basically just a series of electric impulses right?!

So she gets their other smart friend, Max (Paul Bettany) to help make code and lots of data, and yay it works! Max is freaked out instantly, but not Evelyn. She has saved her husband. They quickly hook him up to the internet in order to provide more power, and then eventually he becomes a threat to the world. Yay!

A few other people in this movie, I guess. Cillian Murphy is a FBI detective, Morgan Freeman is another A.I. genius. Kate Mara and Falk Hentschel play A.I. terrorists, and Clifton Collins Jr. plays a handy man, more or less.

Why does he look so bewildered? Because Morgan Freeman doesn’t understand technology, or his role in this film.

The only reason I am having a hard time writing this review, is because I am having a hard time figuring out where to begin with the list of things bad with this movie.

The idea behind it is not a bad one. It can be a great plot. The problems with the story come from how vague everything is. The trailer sets it up to be a very smart movie, but it ends up being a dumb movie about alleged smart things. Maybe afraid of people picking it apart, they went the extremely vague route for all parts of the science. Now, everyone can be pissed off at them for the same reason!

The flow of time is really weird in this movie. Apparently two years pass without any of the pissed off people doing anything about it. Really?

Acting wise, no one seems to care too much about this film, everyone collectively sailing it in. I guess Rebecca Hall is the only one with emotions in the movie, given her situation, but the robotic feeling from everyone’s a pain. I can’t remember, but Kate Mara might only have five lines in the entire movie.

The issues with the bad science means that the ending doesn’t make a lot of sense. They know how to fix it, but again, it’s hard to know why since everything is so vague. Speaking of vague. There is a point right at the end, where the computer says he only has enough energy for one of the two things. If I told you, it would be a spoiler. But if you heard it, you too would know that it doesn’t make a lot of sense.

Fuck. TL;DR This movie is senseless.

Bears.

Bears Bears Bears? Yes, Bears.

Okay, Bears.

We got a Disneynature film here, and they have been doing this for a few years. The only other movie that they did that I saw was African Cats, and man, did I love it.

So why not Bears? Why not a short movie in Alaska about a year in their life? Yeah, let me get some bears.

This is about a bear named Sky, and her two kids, Scout and Amber. They are new born cubs, and it starts with them in the den waiting for winter to end. We then get to see their journey from the mountains, to the coast, to salmon season, to hibernation. According to the movie, only half of all bear cubs survive the journey in their first years. Well, shit. There are two cubs here. Which one will it be?! The adventurous Scout, or the mama’s bear Amber?

Maybe one will take the other out in a fight well ahead of time.

They have to face avalanches, scarcity of food, big mean adult bears who want to eat them, foxes, raging rivers, and more.

We also get John C. Reilly as the narrator. He does an okay job. I get kind of annoyed, because he decides to “speak” for a lot of the animals, which has him then carrying on a conversation with himself. It is meant for humor, to add to the story and all, but I don’t remember African Cats having that bull crap in it, but still enjoying it.

I do find parts of the film questionable. I really don’t believe the avalanche scene happened as shown. I think some splicing went on there.

I am happy that during the credits, they showed a lot of the behind the scenes filming. So they had someone filming their camera man a lot, meaning it would show them filming, and then right after, what they filmed, to get it all into perspective. That was my biggest question with African Cats: How? And they kind of answer it! Really cool to see what they had to do to try and make this as natural as possible, without interfering. Although, you know, I doubt it worked out. Just by being there, they naturally interfere.

Overall though, this movie had a TON of awesome shots that are really hard to see, with great high definition. Even the salmon were exciting. Watching all of that shit was cool. I am glad they did it.

Come for the Bears, stay for the Bears. Unless your Stephen Colbert. He will probably hate this movie.

Alright, let’s just get this over with. Heaven Is For Real. Just in time for Easter. My least favorite holiday (note: I dislike most holidays).

Why is it my least favorite? Because I find it the most pointless, and hate that things are closed for it. Not to mention its ever changing day every year. And the shitty movies that deal with it, like Hop, or, well, this one.

This kid acts pretty strangely for a four year old. In fact, I bet he is secretly six.

This story is more about Todd Burpo (Greg Kinnear) than anyone else. Todd is a pastor at a small town church in Nebraska. He is super religious, a handyman, a volunteer firefighter, and pretty dang poor. He has bills, but you know, he trusts Jesus. He also has a few set backs that sidelines him for the church for some time.

But the biggest sideback comes from his son, who has a huge fever during flu season. This fever lasts for several days. Turns out Colton (Connor Corum) has had his appendix burst, so he has just been in pain. They take him to the hospital, people pray, he is fine, yay living. But then Colton starts to act a bit weird. He claims he saw outside of his body, that he went to Heaven and met Jesus. He met other family members who were dead, then he returned.

This is all very strange for Todd and his wife (Kelly Reilly) to accept. After all, he never was officially dead ever. Just was under surgery, just was in an induced sleep. But he “knew things that he couldn’t possibly know” so he must be telling the truth! None of this could be based on his upbringing, what everyone else told him was real or anything! Nope, proof, right there!

Also starring Thomas Haden Church and Margo Martindale as an influential couple in the town and church.

Ah, the big turning point in the movie! I mean, if I was six years old, maybe.

Don’t worry everyone. This movie isn’t as bad as God’s Not Dead. No, this one at least has some pretty scenes, decent CGI, nice camera work, and better acting. Come on, Kevin Sorbo was always hammy, so he isn’t great now. No, we get Greg Kinnear, who was nominated for an Oscar for his role in As Good As It Gets!

There isn’t a lot I can say about this movie either. They kind of go over everything. They literally explain most of the theories as to what could have happened, all of those theories make sense. Then all of those theories get ignored every time the boy says something. The problem with it is that he never says anything that is proof. All of the information that was kind of shown in the trailer? That is basically all the movie shows too. No cutting tape ruining it either. The dad shows the kid a picture of the grandpa when he was younger. “Yep, that is him”. That is all. He doesn’t describe him at all, just declines the old version and picks the young one.

Same with his description of Jesus. I mean, the fact that the Jesus he saw being white kind of proves that it was all just a bullshit dream anyways, right? Right?

My biggest reason why this movie doesn’t get a pass is the ending. It kind of just ends. Doesn’t really prove anything, just ends a little bit after a sermon that doesn’t make a lot of sense. It is an ending that is an extreme let down. The problems faced by them in this movie seem to be ignored. They owe like, 50,000 in bills, stuff going to collections. But whatever. They are having another baby, the town like him, and the movie ends.

For fucking sake, at least finish your dang story.

Overall, I’d say this story has the least amount of things happen in it that I have ever seen in a movie, for it to make the big claim that it does. Like absolutely nothing happens. It also features a lot of people getting angry over nothing and yelling without any real spark.

Ahh, Nerd movies! Not movies nerds would like. Nope, movies about nerds. The first two over the last few weeks were Lloyd the Conqueror then Knights of Badassdom. Now we have Zero Charisma. Given the way my site has been going lately, it only seemed natural that I had to watch and review this bad boy as soon as possible.

It even has a clever title. Zero Charisma. That tells us a lot about the movie. We are going to be dealing with someone very unpleasant, so get prepared.

Hah, who role plays without TVs or graphics anymore? What silly nerds.

Who is that unpleasant individual? Why, it Scott (Sam Eidson), who is overweight, living at home with his grandmother. He doesn’t have a job anymore, he got fired from the local gamestore. He wants to publish a game system he has been working on for a few years, but no publishers seem to care. But at least he has his weekly game group, yeah!

Except one of the regulars has to leave, because his wife is leaving him. Shit, hard to blame him then. But now he has a spot to fill, and no one wants to join the group because people kind of hate him. But then Miles (Garrett Graham) walks into the store. He apparently is into home brew campaigns, so agrees. Miles is great though, kind of a hipster. He is nice to people, has good stories, roleplays really well, and even created a nerdy website that is pretty popular. Shit. Everyone likes Miles, and not Scott, so Scott gets even more upset than normal. He even might…gasp…cheat.

At the same time, his grandma (Anne Gee Byrd) has a stroke, so his mother (Cyndi Williams) is staying in their house for the time being. She wants to sell the house, but that would make Scott homeless. She also hates his gaming, and makes his life even more unpleasant.

If Scott lashes out against everyone he knows, even his heroes, will even his best friend (Brock England) no longer support him?

Damn, Miles does look cool. Almost like James Franco. I’d rather play with him too.

One thing this movie definitely got right was the culture around RPGs in general. There are several types of people in this movie and they are all starkly based on reality. I guess you could call them stereotypes, but for us gamers, we all know someone like some of the people in this movie.

The main character is indeed an asshole, and he is an asshole the entire film. Many tantrums are had. Despite its level of “Realism” character wise, which a lot of indie movies do strive for, there is something else missing from this movie entirely. The entertainment aspect. Sure, early on, parts are entertaining, but it starts to dull out in my eyes and never really feels like I need to be watching it. Just a man digging deeper and deeper into his social outcast hole.

I’d be fine with that, depending on how it ended, but the ending came almost out of no where. The character showed a little bit of growth, maybe. But not a lot, and it seems like he was rewarded for being a jerk. He had to change his surroundings, but he is arguably in a better position by the end than he was at the beginning of the movie, so he basically learned nothing. So you know, its an okay movie. I guess.

Hells yeah. Took forever, but I finally get to see Justin Bieber’s Believe, his latest documentary.

I reviewed his first one awhile ago, Justin Beiber: Never Say Never which made a lot of money. There was a second and third documentary that I never saw, Justin Bieber: All Around The World, and Justin Bieber: Rise To Fame. No, I got stuck with Justin Beiber: Always Believe, which was one of the biggest horse shits disguised as a movie that I have ever seen.

But this one went to theaters! Released on Christmas! It has to be a better, higher quality, right?

Much like the first one, we get to see live performances of a lot of Bieber’s songs from whatever this album is. I think it was called Believe, the venue was in Miami. That also is really the only new information given by this documentary. At least the first one got to talk about growing up, his first fourteen years and how he got big. This one was filled with just behind the scenes tour stuff, a lot of which was focused on his dancers for whatever reason.

Here is Bieber trying to grow a mustache.

Lot of talk about the song Boyfriend, which is unfortunate, because that song sounds like pigs being slaughtered to my ears. That’s the only comparison I can think of, honestly. I know very little reason why it got popular. Beauty and the Beat? That is a song that makes sense. Even has singing in it. But Boyfriend? Get the fuck out of here. None of these songs really live up to his earlier work, in my eyes.

This documentary had a very large older man with a Bieber face tattoo. On his thigh. That deserved its own mention.

And uhh, that was about it. There is literally not much else in this documentary. Just behind the scenes crap of another tour, so nothing new outside of the songs being played.

What is kind of annoying is an interview in this movie where he talks about hos the paparazzi and media really want him to mess up and crash and burn. He says he hates it, but says he sometimes yells out at them so they get what they want just to leave him alone. But you know, that the bad life style isn’t for him.

Yeah. That explains everything he did since this movie came out then. What another waste of a documentary. Again, I don’t even hate Bieber. Just the song Boyfriend. I more hate Bieber haters, who only have like 5 of the same jokes, thinking they are so clever. Same sort of hate I give to people who say “still a better love story than Twilight“.

If you hate Bieber, then obviously you will dislike this movie. If you like Bieber, you will enjoy the new songs. If you are looking for new important stories or anything in his life, then this documentary will be disappointing. Consider me in that last area.

It has been a long time since I have seen a horror movie in theaters. Literally, this one coming out in April, is the first one to come out since the first week of January. That film was of course Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones, which literally came out on DVD before the next major horror movie in theaters.

It was a slow year, I guess.

So we got Oculus, a horror movie about mirrors. Cool. I hope it isn’t like Mirrors. I never saw it, but I did see a certain scene with Christy Carlson Romano from Mirrors 2. Okay, so scratch that, I hope it is similar to Mirrors 2.

Evil Starbuck? I guess that’s new. Definitely already scared going in.

Oculus is a hard movie to describe. So let’s just say it involves one family.

This family moved into a new house, but don’t worry, the house isn’t haunted. No, the dad (Rory Cochrane) gets a fancy antique mirror, and it starts to get him sorts of angry. There is a definite aura of bad in their house. The mom (Katee Sackoff) is starting to freak out. Needless to say, something bad happens, and the kids (Garrett Ryan, Annalise Basso) survive. The boy has to go to a mental ward.

Now many years later he is 21 (Brenton Thwaites) and his older sister (Karen Gillan) is glad he is back. Because now they can destroy the mirror. They know that the mirror destroyed their lives, so now they finally want to destroy it so that it doesn’t kill anymore. But first, they also want proof to show to the authorities. So they set up a series of cameras and tests to show the demonic powers of the mirror. No, don’t worry, this didn’t become a found footage film. Just a really fucked up one.

A fucked up film usually features a couple child actors, to maximize the fuckery.

Oculus is a strange movie. Did I already say that? Like, really really weird.

It doesn’t tell you the story in order, no. You get to see the story of the kids and their parents, spliced with the kids older and trying to test and experiment with the mirror.

Because of that, sometimes, it is really hard to follow along with the movie. Constant back and forth. Not to mention the whole point of the movie seems to be to confuse the viewer. The mirror shows you what it wants to show you. So every other scene has something not real occurring, meaning you never really know what is going on.

By the end, you know. Oh yes, you will know by sure. And it is kind of fucked up too. The film isn’t particularly gory and there isn’t a huge cast of characters.

So why the low score? Confusion level. It had an interesting storyline, decent characters, some cool stuff happen. But at the same time, I have no idea what was going on through most of it.

By and large, the trailer for Draft Day is one of the worst I have ever seen. If you haven’t seen it, give it a watch. It is two and a half minutes. It is almost mythical the way they made that trailer. It is both a trailer that gives us the entire movie while also giving us absolutely nothing at all. It is truly marvelous to comprehend that achievement.

I guess that is a negative. A terrible vague yet overly detailed trailer. It also was advertised a lot, so I got to see the same identical thing over and over again. The concept became slightly infuriating. Basically, it had a huge uphill battle to prove itself an amazing movie in my mind.

Look at how fucking laid back they are about this movie. Clearly they don’t care what I think!

A lot is going on in Sonny Weaver Jr.’s (Kevin Costner) life right now. His dad died a few days ago, one of the more famous coaches of the Browns. Ali (Jennifer Garner) runs their salary cap number stuff, and it turns out she is now pregnant with his kid. It is also 12 hours til the NFL draft, and as the GM Sonny is told he has to make a big splash tonight at the draft or his job might be done. So sayeth the owner (Frank Langella).

Good. He has the 7th pick though. Right now his choice is between a running back that fits his teams system, Ray Jennings (Arian Foster), that is also the son of a former Browns player Earl Jennings (Terry Crews). So Browns royalty, the obvious pick. But Sonny really likes this defensive guy Vontae Mack (Chadwick Boseman), good at sacks, can stop many great players, just might have some emotional issues.

But thanks to all of the pressure he is facing, he ends up trading for the number one overall pick for his first round picks this year and the next two. Shit. Now he can get Bo Callahan (Josh Pence), a great looking franchise QB. Their current QB (Tom Welling) has bad knees and got injured early on their last season. This pisses off the coach (Denis Leary) who feels his job is on the line thanks to Sonny’s boneheaded decision.

Yeah, then a lot more drama happens. OH WHAT WILL SONNY DO? Ellen Burstyn plays the mother, Sean Combs plays Bo’s agent, and Griffin Newman plays an intern.

Didn’t you know there was constant arguing and drama right before a draft pick?

If you hadn’t noticed, there are no real NFL players or coaches or GMs talked about in this movie. All of the plot points related to the Browns are of course made up. Which is why seeing Crews/Foster there was a bit weird. Oh wait, 98% of this is made up. But they also mention Andrew Luck, and that is probably the only mistake they do I guess.

Garner’s character didn’t really seem to fit the normal stereotypes of a woman in her situation. She was really calm, which is generally not how I see her in most roles. It was strange.

What they ended up doing by the end was a bit clever, but not really too realistic either. Basically, there is no reason for a certain other GM to have done what he did and that is the only main issue with it.

So overall, it is an okay movie. I am surprised it came out in April, since it is clearly just a giant commercial for the NFL, romanticizing the whole thing. The NFL is next month, so I figured they’d make it basically the same day. Most of the teams mentioned were bad, maybe to drum up support, outside of the Seahawks. I also liked Boseman in this movie. Pretty crazy. I have seen him as a famous baseball player, now a made up football player, and later this year, a famous musician. Pretty exciting film roles for this guy is all I gotta say about that.

Rio 2. Did it need to happen? The first film, Rio, told a complete story. I don’t remember how I felt about the movie initially, but I quickly grew to hate it.

That’s right, I now hate the first Rio. The songs are terrible, the story is dumb. The songs are really really terrible. After one listen, I knew I could live without hearing them again (but of course I did hear them again). But whatever, I don’t have to dwell on it.

But it got a sequel because it made money, makes sense. Now they have a family of birds, doing family stuff, and living in Brazil full time. At least this time the plot won’t be an inability to fly.

No, this time it is an inability to be fly.

Tulio (Rodrigo Santoro) and Linda (Leslie Mann), the humans, are off doing human things. Roaming the Amazon rain forest, looking for cool shit. They stumble on some cool shit, but also some bad shit. I am literally done talking about them.

Needless to say, the bird type that Blu (Jesse Eisenberg) and Jewel (Anne Hathaway) are have a huge home in the middle of the rain forest, away from humans. I mean, after all, they had to come from somewhere right? That’s right, Hathaway actually voiced the same character for the sequel, unlike the travesty that occurred for Hoodwinked Too.

So they take their family and friends to find the lost tribe. Or whatever. Living in the Amazon! Yay! There they meet Jewel’s dad, Eduardo (Andy Garcia) and former lover I think, Roberto (Bruno Mars). Now that Blu knows how to fly, he has to learn how to really be a jungle bird if he wants to make sure his wife still loves him…?

Oh, and uhh. Nigel (Jemaine Clement) is back, wanting revenge. He also has a poisonous frog friend named Gabi (Kristin Chenoweth) who really loves him for whatever reason. And there are loggers. And there are parrots or something that share the forest with the Blue Mckaws.

All of the random ass bird and dog characters are also back (Jamie Foxx, George Lopez, Tracy Morgan, and Will i Am) and yes, they serve even less of a purpose in this movie.

These two, plus ant eater, plus parrots, plus loggers, means like, 10,000 villains.

Rio 2 is a strange movie. Like I just said, there are so many dang villains, it just felt excessive. Because of that fact, Nigel didn’t have a great send off. When his plan finally came true, it all was super rushed and then the movie ended.

The music for Rio 2 was a little bit better, but not amazing still. This franchise’s problem is singability. I don’t want to go and sing any of these songs later, just like the first one. Just all of them are so erratic. My favorite song was the Poison Love in which Chenoweth goes full Broadway crazy on hitting all sorts of notes. Yes, surprisingly, her character was the funniest of the whole film. She didn’t even have that much time in the movie either it felt like.

I think, somehow they went even more stereotypical than the first movie. There is even a big soccer like match with the birds, including announcers acting exactly as you’d expect.

Everything else was ehh. Was hard to keep paying attention to the film, due to how pointless the plot lines felt. I hope there isn’t a Rio 3 in the future, doing the Olympics or whatever in a couple of years. That will be stupid.

Ah, LARPing. An easy subject to make fun of. I have never LARP’d, because actually LARPing involves having a character, having stats abilities and stuff, and doesn’t necessarily involve just hitting people with swords. I have done the thing where I hit people with swords though.

Movies that feature LARPing generally are just overall parodies of them, never really getting the actuality of it all (like anything nerdy in films). Recently I watched Lloyd the Conqueror and it didn’t trash on the subject. Still probably far off, but at least it wasn’t just making fun of it. I imagine this movie, Knights of Badassdom will do the same thing, but with a bigger budget and bigger stars.

There is an obvious joke here, but I will be the bigger man and not make it.

Some friends like to role play and have eventually elevated their play to the next level to involve LARPing. After one of their friends goes down with a paintball injury, Hung (Peter Dinklage) and Eric (Steve Zahn) need another member for their team before the big even this weekend!

Which is where they find Joe (Ryan Kwanten), their old friend, wallowing in misery. His girlfriend (Margarita Levieva) just broke up with him. He used to play D&D with them, but stopped. Using the power of drugs and alcohol, they convince him to join their band for the weekend. The rest of their team includes Lando (Danny Pudi), Gunther (Brett Gipson), and Gwen (Summer Glau).

But early in the weekend, Eric accidentally casts a spell from a book he found that unleashes a succubus upon the festivities. Weee, real demons!

Also featuring Brian Posehn for one scene, and Jimmi Simpson as the Game Master. Nerds, every single one of them.

In case you are curious, yes, the lightning bolt joke makes it here too.

Arguably, this is some sort of “horror comedy” or “black comedy,” I have heard it described as both. The only issue I have with both sides is the comedy element. I remember a couple amusing scenes, maybe, but most of it was sans chuckles. That sucks! I know most of the actors in this. All of them are amusing in their own way and definitely are “nerds” in terms of roles they play normally, so I believe that they are nerdy in real life as well.

But this film is just disappointing. Again, very few laughs. If there were more laughs, I could forgive the mediocre acting or plot or whatever. Kind of cool fight near the end but it isn’t enough to save it. Definitely a passable movie. I can’t even bring myself to describe it more than what I have done already.

I am still atoning for my year and a half of never really doing horror films, but Cheap Thrills is a new one. If you take a quick look at the cast list, you would probably assume it was bad. Most likely you haven’t heard of three of the cast members, and the fourth you will recognize but not for his talent.

I was definitely intrigued by the title and plot line, so I gave this lower budget film a whirl. It is a very simple concept but it can go a lot of places. Kind of like The Purge, I guess.

Cheap Thrills on a cheap set? Checks out.

The story is mostly about one man, Craig (Pat Healy). He has a wife, a kid, and now he is getting kicked out of his home. Evictions suck. But they both lost their job and are having lots of trouble making cash. Not looking too good for their house. So Craig goes out to get a quick drink. There at the bar he meets Vince (Ethan Embry. The main character from Can’t Hardly Wait with a beard), an old high school friend who dropped out and he hasn’t seen in years.

They drink a bit, both of their lives kind of suck for different reasons, but at least there is alcohol right?

But then they meet two strangers: The ever texting and silent Violet (Sara Paxton) and her talkative husband Colin (David Koechner). They are celebrating her birthday and they have wads of cash!

They are looking to have a little fun, so they invite the two “friends” along for the ride. They also start giving out cash like its nothing. In fact, they pay Vince and Craig for them to do some outlandish behavior.

But happens when it starts to escalate? What then? What would Craig do to help protect his family?

This Ethan Embry doesn’t believe in destiny so much.

Living up to its name, Cheap Thrills provides cheap thrills to the characters in the movie and to the viewers watching. Just kidding. The thrills in the movie are anything but cheap, with about 250 thousand dollars overall being up for grabs based on the extremity of the stunt.

With only four characters, three of which are vocal, they actually have to act. The three males all have personalities and we learn about our two friends more and more as the story progresses. Some of the moments were actually quite powerful. They both have needs, and if only one person can win, it can get quite serious.

Not much else I can think to say about this movie, but it took a simple concept and made it really work. Nice job, movie.