Category: Uncategorized

Wow. Aftershock. Wow.

Here is a trailer.

I am not sure why the choice of showing stuff backwards, but for those two lazy to click on it, or on a phone, it opens with a young Chinese girl awakening in a pile of dead bodies. She is wandering around throughout the chaos, lost, and not remembering who she is. This story begins during the Great Tangshan Earthquake of 1976, where a mom and father are separated from their 5 year old twins.

The mom is left to a very unfortunate choice, where she has to abandon one of her children, and chooses her son. This is all super intense and what not in the first 20 or so minutes. Then next 110~ minutes of movies are of how their lives are affected from this choice, as both children grow up in different paths, and how it also destroys the mom mentally.

Of course this movie is subtitled, and long, but it is so worth it. I can’t say anyhting about the actors past works, bu the lady who plays the mom gives one of the best performances probably ever, in her own Sophie’s Choice-esque role.

The title is really good, and geology based, so therefore sexy. Aftershocks of an earthquake are obviously the rumblings after the main quake, and can be just as devastating and last a long time. Similarly, this movie has the earthquake happen early, but the aftershocks of the movie are over the next 32 years of each characters life.

Not gonna lie, sometimes I was confused about who was who. I might not be able to tell foreigners apart as well as I would like. I probably have a view of the world equivalent to the internet.

Except I spell it “Amurrrika!”

This movie may be my favorite foreign movie I have ever seen. I’ve done a few others on this site, which have been good, but never HOLY SHIT AWESOME GOOD. Obviously this movie is pretty emotional too. The special effects of the earthquake, kinda cheesy, kinda real. China has some weird censors, so that certain things can’t be shown, but I was amazed at how much I cringed during it.

When I first saw A Better Life I figured it would be pretty stereotypical. So I was guessing it would be the same as the others, and I’d probably just give it a 2 out of 4. You know, “well done but I have heard this all before”. Same reason why I don’t read any new Holocaust books. All the same stuff, over and over again.

The story is of an illegal immigrant (with a killer moustache) trying to make his way in LA with his younger son. He finally has the opportunity to have a secure paycheck, by buying a truck and equipment and starting his own business, instead of relying on labor corners, or whatever.

Not that killer though.

Eventually, some bad things happened, which while watching you will recognize and hope it wont. But it does. And it SUCKS. It feels bad, and you can’t fix it.

But thankfully these problems aren’t generally based on immigration policy in the US. Instead the overall focus of this movie is on the relationship between a father and a son. At this point in life, the son is getting to the age where he may quit school, join gangs, and ignores his fathers advice. It is a story of the father who just wants to reconnect with the boy he once knew.

I didn’t realize it while watching, but the dad is played by Demián Bichir, who played the Tijuana Mayor in a few seasons of Weeds. Wow!

This was originally to show the dude’s stache, and the kid, but man, I think that guy in the background is making a face at the camera.

First off, I am pretty sure this movie is secretly made by the creators of Gossip Girl. Two of the three main characters in this movie are from that show, which weirds me out. Leighton Meester and Katie Cassidy. The ‘star’ however is teen sensation (for some reason?) is Selena Gomez. I am sure it is some Disney reason. All I know about her is she is dating Justin Bieber. But seriously, two people from Gossip Girl? How can that be?

“That’s one secret I will never tell, XOXO.”

Damn you, Gossip Girl! Whoever you are…

This tells the story of two friends (Selena and Katie) who after graduating high school are going to Paris for a week. Surprise! Selena’s older sister is going too, Leighton. Somehow, a British Heiress is in the same building as them, and she looks just like Selena. So, they get confused for her, and get whisked away to Monte Carlo! Katie also has a boyfriend at home, played by Canada’s favorite almost 30 year old guy in Glee, Cory Monteith.

So, yeah. More or less they all have their own adventures, eventually get found out in the end, but don’t worry, everything will work out for everyone.

And it was sooo lame. This movie felt super long, probably due to boredom. The plot is just silly and unfeasible. Not to mention the whole thing seems to be based off of an incorrect Gandhi quote.

Gorgon Reviews, helping you avoid bad movies, and fix your quote knowledge.

At night time in Monte Carlo, fire rains from the sky.

1 out of 4.

First off, I must say I am absolutely disappointed this is not a sequel to Bad Santa.

They are pretty much the same title after all. What is next? Halloween not being related to Halloweentown?

The trailers I saw were also very misleading. They made it seem like it was about Jason Segel, a gym teacher, trying to get it on with some slutty/drunk Cameron Diaz. But he is barely in this movie, and it is mostly about Cameron Diaz. She quits teaching to get married to a rich dude, who breaks up with her, because she is shallow/golddigging. So she has to go BACK to teaching. But what does she need to get wealthy men? Oh yeah, a boob job. But first she needs more money. No, whoring never crosses her mind.

Enter Justin Timberlake, nerdy christian dork who is the heir to a watch making fortune, who has lost his way and is a substitute teacher. Later in the movie he plays a (bad) song, and that is when I remembered he isn’t actually an actor, but that singer guy in that band. He does a good nerdy person, despite you know, not being one at all. I also feel like Jason Segel is barely in this movie. You know while watching it what will happen by the end, but it doesn’t make it a sensical ending.

The thing you have to realize is Cameron Diaz doesn’t like teaching. So she is a Bad Teacher. She just wants to be rich without trying. I would like to thank this movie for reminding me what no movie has done since The Mask that Cameron Diaz can be super hot.

“So if you like the beat, take a lesson from Cuban Pete and
I’ll teach you chick-chicky-boom, chick-chicky-boom, chick-chicky boom.”

Phyllis is also in this movie, and pretty delightful. Also, Cam from Modern Family is hilariously different, but no good pictures exist on the internet of his role. Unfortunately it isn’t as funny as I hoped, only a few scenes. So it is good for one watch, just probably not a thousand watches.

Whoa. The director of How Do You Know is the director of As Good As It Gets. Holy shit. That movie was awesome. Maybe this one is too?

Nope. The only real constant between the movies is Jack Nicholson.

But less crazy dog love.

Unfortunately even Jack Nicholson’s character is particularly weak in this movie. The synopsis was a bit confusing, both in trailer and reading, so here we go. Reese Witherspoon is an olympic soft ball player who had just got cut from the roster (getting old there, Reese). Owen Wilson is a pitcher for the Nationals. Paul Rudd is executive who is suddenly being indicted because of, well, he doesn’t know why, and Jack is his dad/boss.

So through a serious of awkward dates, no one knows really who likes who. Well, Paul Rudd and Owen Wilson are sure they don’t like each other. So the title is asking the question, How Do You Know if you are in love?

But blahhh. Does it fall short. Neither Reese nor Owen are particularly good characters. While watching this movie, you won’t care for them, you will only care for Paul Rudd. You hope he is happy by the end, and gets out of the mess, but unfortunately (thanks to a nice list shown in the movie) even with his happy ending, it still has negative consequences on his life. He also is still jobless! That has to suck.

One of the better parts was played by the pregnant secretary. Her acting was crazy good, yet still for some reason I don’t provide a link to her imdb. That is just the way the world works.

Spoilers. In this scene, Rudd kills Witherspoon.

Part of the problem too is it just takes too long for the outcome. Doesn’t even give me the normal cheap joys a regualr romcom would. Barely any conflict. Just people being unsure about who is a true love or not. Borrring.

I shouldn’t have to describe this plot to you but I will anyways.

Charlie Day, Jason Bateman, and Jason Sudeikis are all friends. They all hate their bosses, but for different reasons. But more or less they are all Horrible….Bosses. Jennifer Aniston is sexual abusing Charlie at work, and he is engaged! Kevin Spacey is a crazy psycho and won’t give Jason Bateman his due promotion. Colin Farrell is an incompetent cokehead boss, who got the job over Jason Sueikis.

Also Jamie Foxx is a black man, and thus a murder consultant.

Sorry. I don’t make the rules of the movie.

Wait, murder consultant?

Oh yeah. Because they want to kill their bosses, fixing their lives completely. As long as they don’t do it stupidly enough to get caught, and get help.

The comedy in this I really enjoyed. The plot line, although ridiculous, somehow works out at the end. Do any of the bosses actually die? That would be a spoiler. But it is R rated, if you know what I fucking mean. Jason Bateman plays the role he always seems to play. Charlie Day freaks out and does his fast talk like normal. I am confused by how funny I find Jason Sudeikis, as he is generally a side character. But his characters have been funnier in other recent movies too. Farrell doesn’t add much to the film, but Kevin Spacey easily adds enough to make up for the both of them. Most of you would probably just want to watch this to see Jennifer Aniston in a new light.

As a brunette!

Some flaws, but very decent nonetheless.

Hey look, another sad movie. So here are some more jokes to make me feel less depressed.

Never Let Me Go is the sequel to the Titanic. It is the year 1975 and Jack is now a frozen zombie monster, searching for Rose who promised to never let him go, yet doing so anyways. It is a tale of humor, drama, and horror, as we find out the story you thought you knew of the Titanic was all a lie.

Really I am just glad a search for zombie yeti worked.

But seriously, Never Let Me Go is based off of a dystopian book of the same name. It is taken from a fictional song played a few times in the movie. In it the world is a better place! Life expectancy is now in the 100s, as a cure for most diseases has been found. And by cure, of course I mean just get rid of the ailing body part and replace it with a new one! Where do they get these organs from? Oh of course, Organ Donation Farms. More or less. Easiest way to grow new organs is to grow a new human. Schools/Compounds are set up everywhere where these clone humans are raised to be very healthy, so that in their mid-twenties they can give “donations” until they are “complete”. Whoa. Must suck to be those people. Which is why the film focuses on three kids from one of these places!

The main girl is played by Carey Mulligan, who really likes the boy played by Andrew Garfield, and the other friend who gets the boy, Keira Knightly. I can admit I have never heard of Mulligan before, but she was fantastic. All the actors did a fantastic job.

It is told in three parts: Of their life in school when they are young and learning, of their life after school in the early 20’s where they can live on their own, and of Carey’s life as a Carer, someone who helps the clones accept their fate and get better post donations. You may watch this going WHY, WHY DON’T YOU JUST RUN! The movie answers it so well at the end, that I would be a major asshole if I spoke of it.

Major Asshole!

Thankfully, all of you are going to watch it now. Because it is great. Might not have heard about it much, so that’s why I am telling you this movie was great.

Beautiful Boy? Alright, title alone, that sounds shitty. That is worse than judging a book by its cover. That’s not even getting an opinion on the cover.

I still decided to watch it, but when I read the description I thought it would be fantasmic.

Disney tells me this is a word. Autocheck does not. But autocheck isn’t a word. So what is really going on here?

A married couple on the verge of separation are leveled by the news their 18-year-old son committed a mass shooting at his college, then took his own life.

Whoa! That sounds awesome! I have always been interested in the lives affected by school shootings and the like. Not of those who were injured/killed/their families, but the families of the shooters. How does THAT feel? That guilt? That awkwardness? That attention?

My favorite episode of Six Feet Under had a workplace shooting, where the shooter got three people and himself, and showed the family of the shooter who attempted to have a private ceremony for him still (plus everyone’s opinions on the subject). It is WAY too interesting of a topic to never be talked about. Should people not be able to be grieved and honored if they do one bad thing out of a more or less normal life time? It is hard to say.

But this is a movie site. Carry on, self.

The parents are played by Michael Sheen and Maria Bello, and they were fantastic. One particular fight scene they had over the incident, involving a disk he sent home the night before the task was just so intense, I was scared. In the disk he would have explained to him why he did it, but it was never shown to the viewer. Probably to represent how these things are impossible to tell, in real life.

The shooting is never shown, but the attention it receives is just very real. Alan Tudyk also ninja’s his way into the film, so you know it has to be good.

Just ask Steve The Pirate

So yeah, obviously this is a serious drama, and the main two people in it did a great job. It could have been a bit better, but definitely a solid movie.

Hey look, a sci-fi action film! I will admit, when I saw the trailer I thought that this movie would be stupid. Some weird future where everyone sits at home, and they have much more prettier versions of themselves walking around doing shit, yet the user gets to experience the feelings so it is okay? These Surrogates probably just represent our dependence on technology/better video games, gone to an extreme.

Surrogates! They have become cheap enough so that everyone can have them! There was no real hobos to speak of (maybe, I will get to that). With the perfect robot body, everyone looks sexy despite their actual appearance, all they have to do is sit in a chair and take it. The rise of surrogates brought accidental deaths down to very low, and crime to an all time low. After all, With a world full of beautiful people, what could go wrong?

Oh yeah. Honestly, this shit still creeps me out.

BUT WAIT. Not everyone has conformed. There are colonies around the US (I am not sure if other countries are really talked about here) who think it is unnatural and want to just be humans. These may just be hobos too. They live together, have no other jobs. Follow a prophet who will help end the robot scum. Speaking of ending robot scum, one guy dies from some crazy gun. His surrogate explodes, and the user is killed (first time ever). That guy is the son of creator of Surrogates.

I wonder if I have to explain this picture?

Thankfully, Bruce Willis is on the case. He has to investigate this threat, and crazy enough, he has to do it without a Surrogate. Being a real person in a robot world is crazy. Crazy!

So while the story should have been good, it just…fails. Most of the things that happen are pretty obvious. The ending you may be already to guess, even. Action scenes seemed to be better described as chasing scenes. Some helicopters got destroyed, but you know, barely any people got capped. Given the surrogates. The surrogates are also creepy of course, as they all look too perfect, but that is what they were going for.

Despite being an interesting concept, the execution of the concept left me bored. I didn’t care what happened to anyone by the end. Not even the fat dude.

Surprisingly, this chick flick / comedy thing is only rated PG. Just seems weird to see.

You Again tells the story of Kristen Bell, having a shitty time in high school and moving away to become successful. Unfortunately, after she gets a sexy new promotion, loses the glasses and acne, and is less of a nerd, she goes back home to find her brother about to marry…her high school nemesis! Oh noes! But has she changed? Why doesn’t she remember her?

How could she forget such a face?

So cue a movie of hilarity of seeing if people change, if its right to bring up the bad past of a changed person, and other high school dramatics. Jamie Lee Curtis is the mother of Bell, and Sigourney Weaver the aunt of the nemesis. Turns out those two also had a high school falling out. You again!

Overall, the movie is pretty predictable. I enjoyed it for what it was for the most part. I would have given it a solid 2 out of 4. That’s a passing grade folks. But the ending. Oh did I hate the ending. The bully was a bully to Bell all of high school, and ten years later she is still a bully to her. She has different reasons, but she maintains the bully thing despite claiming change. She only apologizes and changes once everything goes to shit. Once she has lost it all.

So at the end (spoilers) she still gets the marriage and everyone is happy. Fuck that. You don’t deserve that shit. That is just her getting to have a worryfree life, except for that one moment. She may even be a cyborg.

There is no basis for me to call her a cyborg or to use this picture.

There are other smaller cameo roles here, such as Betty White, Victor Garber, and Kristin Chenoweth. Also, crazed ex played by Kyle Bornheimer was great. But overall, that ending made it bad.