Vampires Suck

Hey look, an obviously bad movie in Vampires Suck. Looks like I can use the Q&A format again!

Truth talk.

Question 1: Oh gee willikers, is this another one of those Spoof movies? Does it just spoof Twilight, or is there at least some other things to look forward to?

Heck yes it is one of those spoof movies. Spoofing on Twilight also happens to be one of the easiest things to do. Seriously. I’ve tried to make fun of it three times myself, with at least one more coming soon. But don’t worry, if you don’t want to just rewatch the first two movies, but even stupider, there are also some other references to other things.

Like Gossip Girl, Buffy, Vampire Diaries, Alice in Wonderland, and Dear John. Pretty much stuff that “Teen girls” like, or at least vampire stuff. I am sure there is more stuff that I missed, but I don’t know all of the pop culture yet. Also, none of these references last more than a few seconds / quick scene, so after them it is just straight up Twilight stuff.

Question 2: The plot is just the first two twilight movies? Really? Do that thing where you explain the plot kind of anyways.

Certainly! All the characters you expect are in this movie. Jenn Proske plays Bella, and Diedrich Bader is her dad. Matt Lanter is Edward and Chris Riggi is Jacob. Also Ken Jeong plays random high up vampire guy. So yeah, the two people you might know are playing the least important roles.

Bella moves to Oregon, is all sad, likes the mysterious Edward kid, falls in love, turns out he can’t protect her, he runs away, falls for hairy Jacob, tries to kill her self (kind of but not really), makes Jacob all sad, tries to reveal himself to others, and she stops him. He turns her into a vampire, and bitches get crazy. So pretty much the first two movies. Also some villains in there. But just all of the scenes go from angsty to stupid.

Question 3: Well that doesn’t sound swell! Does the movie have any redeeming qualities?

Oh well. Erm. No. Not really. I guess it is good that they reduce the first two movies into one film, which is what I thought they could have done with the first 2 actual Twilight movies.

go go go
And that guy.

Question 4: I think you went in knowing this movie would be bad, and thus never gave it a chance. Shenanigans!

That’s not a question!

Question 5: Your mom’s not a question.

Alright, I get that the badly edited scenes and the jokes being inconsistent with the plot are on purpose, but holy crap. Why? Can’t they be wittier like the…well everything Mel Brooks has ever done?

0 out of 4.

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