Tag: Diedrich Bader

The Starving Games

Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer.

Know them. Hate them. Do whatever you want. I am happy to say I have only reviewed one of the movies they have directed on this website, Vampires Suck. No, not just directed, but written too. Most of the bad terrible “Movie” films of the last few years have been them.

And now, I am willingly of sound mind going to watch another. The Starving Games. Let’s say I did it honor of Mockingjay Part 1 coming out a week ago, and a reminder that things could always be worse.

This was an already dated reference when this movie came out.

Basic movie parody right here. Have you seen The Hunger Games? Well, that is really all you need to get this one.

But this one stars Kantmiss Evershot (Maiara Walsh), and that name alone makes me want to stop the movie immediately. She likes Dale (Brant Daugherty), but Peter Malarky (Cody Christian) likes her. And then she has to go to the Hunger Games.

And man, I really cannot talk about this movie really. It is the same plot as The Hunger Games, but worse in every aspect. Well, except it does feature a ton less shaky camera action, so I guess it has that going for it.

Diedrich Bader plays Present Snowballs (this guy was literally in Atlas Shrugged Part II, not that the later is high quality film or anything), Dean J. West as the games runner guy, Lauren Bowles as Effoff, Ross Wyngaarden as Marco, the best fighter, and Chris Marroy as not Stanley Tucci.

At this point, Avatar was already a four year old joke/reference.

Watching these movies is really a will power battle on how long you can go before turning it off, falling asleep, or wandering around your house cleaning because “holyshitanythingisbetterthanthismovie!”

I paid attention to the whole thing, because by golly, you guys trust me. For whatever reason, all of these types of movies have been cheap to make and make lots of money. But not this one, it made like, no money! It bombed! It might mean that these things are finally ready to be done! Maybe! I hope?

Nah. It will never go away. Like Two and a Half Men or Jenny McCarthy.

The references go beyond Hunger Games of course. But does any of it matter? No. This is the type of film that makes me wonder if becoming an existentialist is a good idea. But then I would know the only reason these films existed was due to my own self, and not someone else’s fault.

Yes this movie is worse than Scary Movie 5, yes it is unfunny, and yes, Netflix should feel bad for having it on its servers.

0 out of 4.

Atlas Shrugged Part II: The Strike

Holy shit, they made the movie.

I watched Atlas Shrugged Part I, the first part of a planned trilogy, and got almost nothing out of it. It was weird and confusing, a bunch of business stuff, all of it over my head. It also made about zero dollars.

What I do know about Atlas Shrugged is that its end message is that Capitalism is the best, and the Freer the Marker, the better the world. Right? Well, sticking true to that point, the creator of the film said they would only make Atlas Shrugged Part II: The Strike if Part I made enough money to cover the cost of Part II. Well, the free market said no to that, and that we did not want this trilogy to happen.

But here we are, with Part II out and in our faces. Not only did they make it anyways, they replaced THE ENTIRE ORIGINAL CAST WITH NEW PEOPLE. That is completely unheard of. Everyone character who is in both movies has a new actor or actress. I guess it makes sense. The first one bombed, replace all the people. Still an odd circumstance to happen for a movie.

Something sexist about cleavage and laying down rails.

At the end of the first movie, more laws and taxes were put in place in Colorado, so an oil tycoon decided to set fire to his fields, saying he left it as he found it, and now he is on strike. Oooh, guess where the subtitle came from? Well, he disappeared, but no one cares.

Dagny Taggart (Samantha Mathis) is kicking ass. Her John Galt line was a success, and her knew partnership with Henry Rearden (Jason Beghe) lead to a new metal that is lighter and cheaper than steel. BIG SUCCESS. Despite government interference, every thing is great for them.

Too bad the people aren’t having fun. The 99.97% or whatever are protesting in New York, times never change. Well, famous people keep missing. Nice pianists, for example. Dagny’s brother, James (Patrick Fabian) is running the company now, so he is rolling in the cash. Getting dates with random clerks (Larisa Oleynik, most famous for being Alex Mack from The Secret World Of Alex Mack, woo!) and stuff.

Well, long story short, Dagny finds some weird engine thing, somewhere. Most of the scientists are now disappearing, so she finds the last one available (Diedrich Bader) to figure out how to make it work. It could be even better for the future of energy, since gas is $40 a gallon! Maybe.

Longer story short, government hates everything happening. They make it so corporations can never change ever again. They have to sell to everyone. They cannot sell their business. They cannot change their CEOs. They must remain stagnant, and nothing will change, and no more patents. This is pretty intense. Dagny throws a fit, is losing her scientist, and really wants to find out who the hell John Galt is.

Ray Wise plays the Head of State, Esai Morales is Francisco d’Anconia, and D.B. Sweeney plays John Galt. Ah, that’s who he is!

When Diedrich Bader is your last hope to figuring out science stuff, you are totally going to get fucked over.

Here is one benefit of Part II over Part I. I actually could understand (mostly) what the fuck was going on in Part II. Part I I watched, read the synopsis of, and still found myself pretty dang lost. That’s a problem, and I would say Part II is a better movie because of that reason.

But it is bad. The CGI shows that the movie was made on an extremely low budget.

I also think it was probably too detailed and close to the book, but thats without knowing the book. I am sure this didn’t have to be a trilogy, and because it is split up into parts, it is “okay” to leave you with a cliffhanger ending like they do. Really it just annoys me.

Despite all this, I still want to see the trilogy get finished. First, I wont read the book ever. Or the plot synopsis. Second, I am excited to see the entire cast replaced again, which looks entirely likely. Third, there is a chance part III will be a musical. It is an old source, but fuck it, its the same guy in charge.

Come on. Shit on Ayn Rand’s grave and make her book’s movie (against the will of the free market) into a musical. Do it.

1 out of 4.

Vampires Suck

Hey look, an obviously bad movie in Vampires Suck. Looks like I can use the Q&A format again!

Truth talk.

Question 1: Oh gee willikers, is this another one of those Spoof movies? Does it just spoof Twilight, or is there at least some other things to look forward to?

Heck yes it is one of those spoof movies. Spoofing on Twilight also happens to be one of the easiest things to do. Seriously. I’ve tried to make fun of it three times myself, with at least one more coming soon. But don’t worry, if you don’t want to just rewatch the first two movies, but even stupider, there are also some other references to other things.

Like Gossip Girl, Buffy, Vampire Diaries, Alice in Wonderland, and Dear John. Pretty much stuff that “Teen girls” like, or at least vampire stuff. I am sure there is more stuff that I missed, but I don’t know all of the pop culture yet. Also, none of these references last more than a few seconds / quick scene, so after them it is just straight up Twilight stuff.

Question 2: The plot is just the first two twilight movies? Really? Do that thing where you explain the plot kind of anyways.

Certainly! All the characters you expect are in this movie. Jenn Proske plays Bella, and Diedrich Bader is her dad. Matt Lanter is Edward and Chris Riggi is Jacob. Also Ken Jeong plays random high up vampire guy. So yeah, the two people you might know are playing the least important roles.

Bella moves to Oregon, is all sad, likes the mysterious Edward kid, falls in love, turns out he can’t protect her, he runs away, falls for hairy Jacob, tries to kill her self (kind of but not really), makes Jacob all sad, tries to reveal himself to others, and she stops him. He turns her into a vampire, and bitches get crazy. So pretty much the first two movies. Also some villains in there. But just all of the scenes go from angsty to stupid.

Question 3: Well that doesn’t sound swell! Does the movie have any redeeming qualities?

Oh well. Erm. No. Not really. I guess it is good that they reduce the first two movies into one film, which is what I thought they could have done with the first 2 actual Twilight movies.

go go go
And that guy.

Question 4: I think you went in knowing this movie would be bad, and thus never gave it a chance. Shenanigans!

That’s not a question!

Question 5: Your mom’s not a question.

Alright, I get that the badly edited scenes and the jokes being inconsistent with the plot are on purpose, but holy crap. Why? Can’t they be wittier like the…well everything Mel Brooks has ever done?

0 out of 4.