Holy holy holy shit.
Let me let you in on a little story. In order to become a master of pop culture, I determined I had to watch every movie. Literally every single one. How else will I know all the trivia? How will I know if something truly is bad?
Originally my rules were that I would watch everything, but horror. True, I still consider myself a coward and might only half watch the screen when scary stuff is about to happen, but that ban has been lifted like, a year ish ago, just because.
But why did I have the ban in the first place? It is because I really…really…REALLY did not want to ever watch or see The Human Centipede. So when people asked me if I had seen it, I of course said no, don’t watch horror.
Now, I have nothing to hide from. So I present to you, MY 1000TH MOVIE REVIEW (Milestone Review): The Human Fucking Centipede.
What in the what what fuck?
Our story, like so many before it, takes place in modern day Germany. Land of freedom and opportunity. Just ask these two girls, Lindsay (Ashley C. Williams) and Jenny (Ashlynn Yennie). They are in the area to get their clubbing on, but one of them is pretty bad at directions so they get lost on a dirt road, with a flat tire, in the rain.
So after getting sexually harassed in God’s Language Deutsch by a fat man, they decide to go look for help instead of wait for help. Leading to a very modern looking house, with lights on, yay!
Don’t fret girls. You are going to get your tire fixed in no time!
Thankfully, the Doctor is in. Dr. Heiter (Dieter Laser), great surgeon, currently enjoying a break from work. Conducting his own research at home, for shits and giggles. But mostly shits. Heh… Heh… Heh…
Needless to say, he drugs them and after some resistance, they wake up in his state of the art basement/torture dungeon.
I mean, hey, at least its clean.
There, the girls learn their ultimate fate. Like what he did to his three dogs (who died), he wants to connect three human beings together.
Not by the hip.
Not by an arm.
Not by the neck.
No, by their entire gastric system.
Ass to mouth x2.
Why would someone want to do this? BECAUSE SCIENCE, THAT’S WHY!
Not to mention the strange contraption that will come out of it. But hey, if the science is sound, then it should work. Unless you ignore the fact that humans need vitamins and specific nutritional amounts that probably don’t exist in feces. But whatever, science and stuff.
He grabs another victim somehow, this time, Katsuro (Akihiro Kitamura), a man who only speaks Japanese, but more importantly, fits the blood type of our two girls. Yes excellent indeed.
After a close escape from Lindsay, the surgery can commence.
I hope no one ate anything before hand. That could have made this messy.
Huh, guess this is the second closest time I’ve gotten to showing “nudity” on my website. Can’t really be helped, when half the movie has two topless women in it, I guess.
The surgery is a success! But our “2 Girls 1 Jap” situation needs some getting used to. Just imagine moving your head, but not being able to, because you are attached to someone else’s ass. Alright now.
They have to be trained first. Trained to eat on command. To walk. To fetch. This creation is a new pet for one lonely Dr.
And it doesn’t need any shots!
Life as a third or middle piece is hard. You can’t talk. You can’t eat. You can only cry and moan. You bet your butt you still have your tongue. Eww.
Guys, guys, guys, if you haven’t gotten it yet, they totally get stuck eating only crap, and crap isn’t healthy.
House training takes forever.
Eventually, bad things start to happen. Infections mostly.
But even worse for the Doctor is when some other people show up at his door. Looking for the missing people. But also worried about what research he is doing. Good, this allows a distraction, time for the human centipede to make its escape.
But first….? STAIRS.
They make it up, but the visitors are gone, getting a search warrant. Luckily, the are still able to injure the doctor. Too bad the Japanese man still feels much dishonor, and, as per his stereotype, kills himself dead. Leaving two scared girls even more helpless and alone.
Surprise! Just one. Back girl dies of infection. Surprise two! Guys return, and the doctor kills them both as they kill him. That leaves one scared little middle piece girl, in a house of dead people, and a body full of shit.
All thanks to this man.
Well. I finally watched it.
And my thoughts? Yeah, that definitely was pretty damn gross. You know what else it was? Un-entertaining. Man, not much actually happens in the movie that is scary, just gross stuff. Gross out movies are super worse than just torture porn horrors. I don’t think anyone enjoys this stuff.
Obviously the acting was bad. This movie is going for shock factor only, and the problem with that is that once you have seen what it looks like, there isn’t much else to see. Everyone has now basically seen what it looks like before the movie. Nothing like the excellent actually scary looking cover.
So the only way to improve this is to go for something bigger.
Centipedes have 100 legs. Three people only allow for 12. Clearly, they need at least 25 people to make a real centipede. But who would have time for that. Not like they made any sequels for this and literally just want to make a longer centipede, right?
1 out of 4.