Tag: William Levy

Resident Evil: The Final Chapter

This is part of Fantasy and Sci-Fi Week at Gorgon Reviews!

Fucking finally. Resident Evil: The Final Chapter. It has final in the name, so there will be no more without a reboot, those are the rules. Ignore whatever happened between Saw: The Final Chapter and Jigsaw, those guys are liars, they totally won’t be liars here.

If you read my long milestone review on Resident Evil franchise, there is a common problem with the films. Each film would end with a cliff hanger and a goal! Okay, fine. But the next film will either ignore the cliff hanger and have it resolve off screen and ignore the “goal” set by the previous film. It was especially egregious in films 4 and 5, where they decided to go a completely different route, creating their own excuses that were shit for changing the plot. It was fucking stupid. Although sure, the second film continued after the first where you would expect it to, so that is the only one that really felt connected.

Anyways, if that happens again, I might flip my shit. Also another reminder, one stuntman died during filming of a scene, and a stuntwoman had a shit ton of injuries, 2 week coma, and had her arm amputated off. Holy fuck, that is bad. That is not a good start to a movie, especially a movie no one asked for.

Dangle
But that’s okay, because at least Milla was able to dangle on her own.

At the end of the last film, Alice (Milla Jovovich) and crew had to head to Washington, DC, ready to take on giant waves of zombies at the White House. Wesker (Shawn Roberts) sent them there and was a good guy now, after being a bad guy.

Well this film begins with a backstory, which is different than backstory from previous films, and then jumps over the other films to bring us to now. Which is actually in DC! But some time has passed. Alice is now alone again, for reasons. Also apparently Wesker turned on her and the crew and is a bad guy, again. Seriously, all off screen pre-movie, they were like, lets make him bad again and do none of this DC plot, and let’s put it in a new direction, again. Fuckers.

So after some fighting with a goddamn zombie dragon creature, Alice gets contacted by the Red Queen (Ever Anderson, real life daughter of Jovovich and Paul W.S. Anderson) and gets an earfull. Apparently the Umbrella Corporation developed an antidote before this whole outbreak thing occurred. They wanted the world to fall to ruin, yes like a Biblical flood, then they would release the antidote into the air, killing anything with the T-Virus inside of them

The Red Queen wants Alice to get to the cure before the last human settlements are wiped out. She has about two days. And of course, the cure is at the bottom of The Hive facility underneath the now wiped out Raccoon City, where there are going to be some zombies, and fucked up shit inside. Hooray!

Also featuring Iain Glen, Ali Larter, Eoin Macken, Fraser James, Ruby Rose, William Levy, and Rola.

Chase
At some point in the franchise, the zombies just become Alice’s biggest fans and always follow her around town.

Resident Evil: The Final Chapter is a bad movie on almost every front.

First of all, it continues a story only in name, because it literally once again, tells a different story than the previous film implied. Characters have different motivations suddenly. Characters who were at the end of the last film are now gone and not mentioned. The entire backstory is changed at the beginning, just so they can do different things with this film. Yet at the same time, this is just another film where the goal is to go into an underground bunker, do a thing, then escape the bunker. A nice giant open world long fight, implied by the end of the last movie, would have been great.

There is technically action in this film, but good luck figuring it out. Even scenes of very little important are cut so rapidly I found myself barely watching the movie. It was hurting my head and eyes. It is one of those ways to cover up good action scenes by having quick cuts and to hide stunt actors. No good amount of choreography, just cut cut cut with flashing lights and confusion.

Acting is weak. The plot is extremely weak, with twists you can definitely see coming. There is nothing profound about this film, even with Biblical elements. You will just find yourself waiting for it to be over.

HOWEVER. Guess what! It is never over. It. Is. Never. Over. This movie ends on a cliffhanger. The story isn’t over. This is probably not going to be a final chapter. Meaningful conclusions are bullshit. Sure, the story seems like they finally finished the Umbrella Arc. But you know as well as I do that if there is another movie within a decade that there will be Clones or something of the important people, another hidden sect, and a story that just won’t die.

Like zombies.

0 out of 4.

Addicted

Sex sex sexy sex, boner boner uterus.

Sorry, just using some sexy words to get everyone in the mood.

After all, I am about to watch Addicted. What are they addicted to, you might ask. Cheese? Nope. Alcohol? Nah. Onions? Heck no. Silly intro sections to reviews? Maybe a little bit.

No! Of course not! A sex addiction! Shh, don’t say it too loud, people might hear.

Normally when I say “hold on to your butts” in a review, it is used sarcastically or as a Jurassic Park reference. If I said it this time, it would hold a whole new meaning.

Shower
Whoa now. Two people aren’t meant to share a shower. What is this?

Zoe Reynard (Sharon Leal) loooooves sex. Usually with her husband (Boris Kodjoe) of several years. They some times do it multiple times a day. But something is missing for Zoe. Some passion maybe? She doesn’t know, but it doesn’t feel the same.

While working her self starting art business, she runs into a fresh new hunk artist, Quinton Canosa (William Levy). He likes her a lot and compliments her, and sure enough, sexy time. This starts to affect her job and home life. She starts to lie about work, all to have more sex with Quinton! But he has other lady friends, and even he might not be enough. Because then there is Corey (Tyson Beckford)…

But with passion and cheating comes jealousy. Some people might get hurt, mentally and physically, due to all this secret funny business. And Zoe has the least helpful shrink (Tasha Smith) ever, who always runs out of time on a session before she can really help out. Also starring Emayatzy Corinealdi as her BFF and coworker.

Chest
If you like chiseled abs and not a whole lot more, this film is perfect for you!

I think I saw this movie before. Obsessed? No not Obsessed. That was a dude doing the cheating.

Ah yes. Tyler Perry’s Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor. That would be the closest parallel, except that one was more about “Sin” and religion playing a part in the morals. This one was just…well she just really wanted more sex and didn’t get enough from her husband.

So sure, she ruined her home life, almost got people killed, and was with two different men outside of wed lock. I guess that is the point. Cheat on your husband and do kinky shit, you will maybe die. And your grandmother will shake her head at you disappointingly. That is what I got out of the movie.

But let’s ignore the bad acting, the bad plot, the worse acting, and the poor and stupid ending. Was it at least erotic?

Hardly. This is the most tame sex addiction movie I have ever seen. No one gets naked, outside of random unnamed characters during one scene. Just a lot of mostly clothed dry humping and maybe some butt shots. Shame did sex addiction right. We got to see Fassbender dick and a whole lot more.

This just seems like a joke of a real affliction. And that is what this film feels like. A joke. A strangely hilarious joke that you might make fun of with your friends.

0 out of 4.